Chapter 40

"It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would."

- Edna St. Vincent Millay [Love is Not All]

The warm summer night was dark; illuminated only by a great expanse of stars and the waxing moon as it crept over the mountains. Rose took a deep breath, enjoying the scents of fading spring blossoms and the wind that swept up the earthy and watery scents of the Black Lake. The breeze whipped at their robes while they crossed the rolling hills of the ground towards the body of water, and she felt giddy and alive in the night air. Hooking her index finger around Remus' pinky, she smiled up at him as they walked, and the grin he gave her in return caused her heart to flip in her chest.

He paused when they crested the hill, and, glancing back at the castle to be sure they were far enough away from any prying eyes, leaned in and pressed his lips to her own. They were soft and warm against her skin and set her body tingling from her head to toe. When they broke away, the boyish smile she so adored was fixed to his face, his gray-streaked hair shining silver in the moonlight. Wrapping his hand fully around her own, he led her down to the misty edges of the lake.

"It's a perfect night, the mists are already out," he observed. Rose glanced about the shore keenly, looking for the flicker of lights. The previous week they had scoured the dungeons for redcaps, and Remus had obtained permission to bring Rose out that night to hunt for a hinkypunk for the final for his third-years. The mists that rolled in from the warm air hitting the still cool water of the lake were the perfect environment for the mischievous creatures.

"Remus," she whispered, leaning into his side and pointing off to their right. "Over there."

A pale light flickered in the mists, dancing lazily around the shore. Both Rose and Lupin drew their wands silently. Remus released her hand so the two could flank the creature. She did her best to keep one eye on the light and one on the ground she tread on. She knew that the hinkypunk would try its best to lead them into danger. This would be easy to avoid if they were not also trying to capture the hinkypunk. The creature's misty body blended into the mists so completely as to be almost indiscernible, only the small lantern it carried became clearly visible as they came closer.

"Lumos maxima," Lupin said quietly and his wandtip lit with an intense bright light. In that moment, Rose could clearly see the misty body of the hinkypunk which stumbled back in surprise at the sudden bright light. Rose inscribed tiny circles with her wand and conjured a glass jar around the stunned creature, stepping forward quickly to stopper it with a cork. The hinkypunk beat against the glass with its misty fists in obvious anger.

"Excellent job," he said, scooping the jar up with one arm and offering her his other. Rose took it happily and leaned into his side while they walked, letting her head rest against his shoulder. "Are you ready for your exams?"

"I think so. Other than feeling a bit nauseous every time I remember they start this week," Rose smiled.

"You're going to do great," he told her confidently. "Let me know if it's too much and you don't have time to help with setting up my exam. I can do it on my own; I just enjoy spending time with you."

"It will make for a nice study break," Rose assured him, grinning at the knowledge that he enjoyed being around her as much as she did him. "Are you going to be alright with the full moon coming up at the end of the week?"

"Don't worry about me, pet," he reassured, his warm eyes shining in the pale light of the moon.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you, silly man," she objected with a smile. They paused and he dropped her hand so that he could lift his own and run the backs of his fingers across her cheek, looking at her with an expression she couldn't name. Whatever it was, it made her heart flutter wildly.

"I haven't had anyone to do that for me in a very long time," he said, and she knew now that the look he gave her was one of both deep sadness and profound happiness. Grasping his hand, she returned it to their side squeezing it affectionately.

"You'll just have to get used to it," Rose informed him.

"I really think I could," he chuckled, and the pair continued their walk up to the castle. Rose could feel the warm blush rising into her cheeks at his response. She wondered if maybe, just maybe he was reconsidering allowing her to see him after the end of the year, but she was too much of a coward to ask.

"You do look better than you normally do before a full moon," she observed. Remus' face still held its usual tiredness, but none of the deep exhaustion that she'd seen in previous months.

"It feels like it will be an easy one… easier anyways."

"You can tell this early?"

"Sometimes. It can be tricky though."

"Do we have to go back right away," Rose asked as they approached the hill that would lead up to the path that would take them to the castle entrance.

"It's probably not wise to linger too long, Rose, exams begin tomorrow you should get some rest," he said kindly, but paused when she did all the same. Rose looked over the grounds—at the lake reflecting the milky way like a dark mirror, at the mountain range illuminated in pale moonlight, at the forests that spread around the valley for miles. Remus set the captured hinkypunk down in the grass, and she felt his arms wrap around her waist from behind. She leaned back into his chest, enjoying the warmth of his body.

"I can't believe it's almost over," and she wasn't sure if she meant being a student at Hogwarts or their time together. His embrace tightened, and she knew he wasn't sure either. "It's kind of terrifying."

"I remember that feeling. But it's just another chapter—one you get to start writing for yourself," he said, resting his chin on the crown of her head.

"Was it like that for you?"

"Well… when I left Hogwarts we were in the middle of a war—one we were losing. But even so, those first years with Lily, James, Peter… and Sirius, they were some of the best of my life. Then Dumbledore sent me to the colonies," he trailed off at the memory.

"The colonies?" Rose questioned, tilting her head to look up at him.

"Werewolf colonies. I'm one of the few who still tries to fit in with normal wizarding society, most of my kind band together and do their best to survive on their own. Back then Voldemort was recruiting heavily amongst werewolves," he explained, and Rose tried not to flinch too hard when he used the Dark Lord's name. "Dumbledore wanted me to keep an eye on things."

"How could he ask you to do that," Rose questioned angrily, her resentment towards Dumbledore spilling out slightly.

"We all had to do our part, Rose," he chastised, clearly taken aback by her tone of voice.

"I'm sorry, I just… I'm not the biggest fan of his methods," she said diplomatically.

"They can be hard to understand at times, but we have to trust that he knows what he's doing," he said. Rose found this a rather large pill to swallow given that his methods had led to her physical and mental abuse for two years and would have demanded far longer had those plans not gone awry, but she didn't argue the point. Dumbledore had given him a place at Hogwarts after all, first as a student and now as a teacher.

"How long were you there?" Rose asked curiously.

"A year."

"A year," she exclaimed in surprise.

"It wasn't so bad. I certainly missed being among friends, but at least I was around others who understood what it was like to have my condition. Some days in the wizarding world can feel much lonelier," he gave her a chagrinned smile, and Rose twisted in his arms so that she could embrace him in return. He ran his hand gently through her hair. "My greatest regret is that I was there when… when it happened. By the time I heard the news it was already all over, James, Lily, and Peter were all dead, you and Harry were taken, and Sirius was on trial for murder. In the end I was useless."

"You weren't useless," Rose said into his chest, and she felt his arms tighten around her at the words.

"Some days I wonder… if I'd been there, maybe I could have stopped it all from happening," he mused quietly, and she could hear the choked sound in his voice of tears being held back. Rose looked up at him and kissed his scarred cheek.

"Remus, if you'd been there, he would have killed you too, and I would never have met you," she smiled sadly at him, and leaning in, he kissed her deeply. When they broke away, his dark mood seemed to have passed.

"I expected you to say something cheeky. When did you get so serious," he asked, and Rose grinned at him.

"Sorry, can I have a do-over?"

"Just this once," he allowed.

"Remus, you need to do something about that big head of yours, you're hardly that important," she said in her teasing tone of voice, and a grin tugged at the corner of his lips.

"There's the quip I expected," he laughed. The pair turned at the sound of the bell chiming out twelve strokes. "I think it's time we both get some sleep."

Rose held his hand for as long as she dared as they walked to the castle. She had always sensed the deep melancholy within Remus Lupin, but he'd rarely spoke with her about it before. She had never really considered how on the same day she had lost her own family, Remus had really lost his as well—all of his dearest friends suddenly stripped away from him without warning. At least she'd had Lucius and Narcissa to rescue her from the deep sadness and loneliness. He'd had no one at all. Gripping his hand tighter, Rose dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, he had someone now.