AN: Happy Christmas Eve all! Hope you're ready for the big one tomorrow :)
Take that double meaning as you will...
Santana tapped her fingers against her mug as she waited for Dani to arrive and pick up more of her stuff. She hadn't seen or spoken to in a week, apart from to arrange Dani coming this evening. Her phone buzzed, and she smiled when she saw it was Brittany.
You holding up okay angel? Call me afterwards and let me know how it went xx
As always, Brittany had been a great support to Santana when she had told her about everything that had gone down with Dani. Truth be told, she was fine though. It was a little sad that it had come to this, but really finding out about Dani's cheating just prematurely ended a relationship that was going to end anyway. Santana knew it was only a matter of time where she was going to detach herself from the family setup she'd created, the fear of judgement from family and friends and the worry of upsetting Mila, to actually break up with Dani and chase happiness. It had been on the horizon a long time and Dani's affair had just brought it to the surface earlier. It was almost a blessing in disguise.
She hurriedly typed back her response to Brittany before hearing the doorbell chime. It was Dani. It was sad that she was now ringing the bell to gain access into a house that was half hers, but Santana could only see today as a positive. A new start for both of them, that they so sorely needed.
Brittany's phone sounded, signalling Santana's response, a smile creeping on to her face as it always did when she was texting Santana. The action didn't go unnoticed by her fiancé.
"Who is it?" Sam smiled.
"Santana." Said Brittany, returning the smile.
"Have you told her yet?" Sam asked curiously, causing Brittany to sigh slightly.
"No, not yet. I think it'll be best coming from me in person when we go to Lima at the weekend" she said earnestly.
She really wasn't sure how Santana was going to react to the news that she was so suddenly engaged. As well as the fact Santana had just broke up with her girlfriend, meaning Brittany felt guilty spreading her own joy, Santana had always been so protective of Brittany, and Brittany was sure she'd think she was being ridiculous for jumping into something so quick. Not only that, she needed to tell her parents. As happy as they were that Brittany was back with Sam, and as much as they'd been waiting for her to settle down for years, she couldn't imagine they'd mean this quick. The engagement was undoubtedly going to shock them, especially when they found out how quick they were planning to get married. So, they had made the decision to go back to Lima at the weekend and tell everybody then, including the Evans family. Brittany figured it would be much better coming from her and Sam in person.
Sensing Sam's disappointment, knowing how eager he was to shout it to the world that they were getting married, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"Just 3 more days, then everyone will know and be able to celebrate with us".
"Well I think I got everything I need for now." Dani said, glancing around
"If you have forgotten anything, just let me know and I'll drop it round." Santana smiled; glad they could be civil about this. "How are you holding up?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. It is, what it is. It's been good for me to stay with my mom actually. We've done a lot of talking. And…I made the first steps towards speaking to someone about dealing with everything, the drinking, all of that…"
"That's amazing news Dani. I'm really happy for you." Santana said sincerely, pleased her words had got through to the girl at last.
An awkward silence formed around then, and Dani took that as her cue.
"Well, I should get going. But before I do, you need to read this" Dani swallowed, pressing an envelope into Santana's hand.
Santana looked down in confusion at the torn envelope addressed to herself and stared back up at Dani with a questioning frown.
"It came for you a couple of months ago. I opened it and I hid it from you. It was wrong of me, I know, and I'm really sorry. But…you have it now. Use it wisely." said Dani.
Santana was so confused; she had no idea what Dani was talking about.
"Goodbye Santana" Dani said, picking up the box in front of her and heading out, leaving a bewildered Santana standing there.
She closed the door behind her and headed into the lounge, tracing her finger around the writing on the front. She knew that writing. It belonged to Brittany. She removed the letter and carefully unfolded it, as she began to read it aloud.
Santana,
You deserve someone who loves you with every beat of her heart. Someone who will always be there for you and Mila, and who will love every part of you, especially your flaws.
I know Mila has bonded with Dani, and being the amazing mom you are, that might impact the choices you make. But I want you to be truthful to yourself in how happy you really are in this situation. I don't want to intrude, and if this is all wrong just ignore it and I promise I'll never broach the subject again.
Dani's not the girl for you Santana.
Too many times I've let you slip through my fingers. Let's stop being afraid and take the chance. I know now I can make you happy.
I love you Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything's possible.
And the truth is, I don't remember a time I haven't felt like this about you.
I won't make things awkward by bringing this up. I'll act normal unless told otherwise.
But…let me know if you feel the same way.
Love, Brittany
She found herself nodding along with every word, agreeing with everything that Brittany was saying. It was as if Brittany had climbed into her body and delivered the words from her own heart.
As she came to the end of the letter, Santana had tears flowing freely down her cheeks.
"Oh my God" she said aloud. "Fuck. This can't be real?"
She loved her back? Her beautiful, innocent Brittany, who was everything good in this miserable world, actually loved her back.
Her heart was intensely hammering against her rib cage, and she couldn't stop the smile that flooded on her face. It was the type of delirious happiness that made Santana want to run out into the street and jump and shout. A sob escaped her, and it was quickly replaced by an incredulous laugh. She couldn't believe that after all this time, Brittany, her Brittany, felt the same way as she did. She turned to the notice board full of memories, her eyes homing in on a photo of her and Brittany from Sophomore year of high school, smiling close together in their Cheerios uniform.
"She loved me all the way back then" Santana thought to herself.
A number of emotions surged through her body.
Surprise. Elation. Shock. Disbelief. Excitement. Relief.
She should have been furious with Dani for keeping this from her for 2 months, but she was far too happy to care.
Fear had held her back for far too long to go for her dream, but not anymore. There was no more time to waste and she frantically searched about for her phone and hit the FaceTime button.
She was finally going to tell Brittany everything, and let her know just how much she loved her, and how really, she was the only person that had ever held her heart.
"Pick up! Pick up!" she urged, impatiently waiting for Brittany's face to appear.
She heard the chime signalling the call had been answered, but when the picture appeared, she wasn't greeted by the face she loved so much, but someone else instead.
"Sam?" she frowned.
"Hey Santana"
"Why are you…I mean, what are you doing there?" she asked, observing the backdrop. He was obviously at Brittany's apartment. How much time were they spending together exactly?
"I live here now. I moved in…" Sam frowned. Hadn't Brittany even told Santana that?
Santana opened and closed her mouth in shock like a fish and shook her head to rid it of the confusion. Moved in since when? She knew that Brittany was seeing him again, but she didn't think it was that serious. Brittany was always seeing someone new.
"Oh. Well…is Brit there?" she asked, trying to keep her tone calm. Although she wasn't entirely sure how she was going to make her big confession now that Sam was there. It reminded her of the time she had showed up at Brittany's house to tell her the news about NYU and had been greeted by a half-naked Sam instead. Afterwards, she had gone straight to the Pharmacy after throwing up again and found out she was pregnant. The only source of comfort being the rude girl who worked there, who now happened to be one her best friends, Quinn. She couldn't help but think about how things could have been so different that day if Sam hadn't been there. She probably would have thrown up while in Brittany's house, and they would have gone to the Pharmacy and found out about Santana's pregnancy together.
So many things could have been different over the years, but Santana couldn't even let herself think about all that right now.
"Brittany" Sam called "Santana is here on the phone".
She waited in an awkward silence for Brittany to appear. Luckily, she didn't have to wait long. She could tell by the look on Brit's face that she was nervous and almost guilty looking, knowing Santana had likely just found out about their living arrangements.
"Santana…hi!" Brittany said, her tone completely giving her away, as if she had been caught out.
Santana didn't want Brittany to feel like that, or to feel like she was judging her, but she had to wonder why Brittany hadn't told her she'd made such a big step.
"Baby?" Sam turned to Brittany, and Santana immediately felt her blood run cold at the pet name, "While she's here, why don't you ask her that thing we were talking about?" Sam whispered.
Brittany looked unsure, and Santana frowned, as she wondered what "thing" they could possibly be talking about. She hadn't signed up for a FaceTime call to watch them drool all over one another.
Encouraged by Sam, Brittany spoke out.
"Erm…Sam and me, er. We…we thought why hang around, you know. So…we've been organising the whole thing and of course your name come up to be my…" Brittany paused, unable to get the words out, while Santana pursed her lips in the upmost confusion. She had no idea what Brittany was rambling on about.
Sam laughed and shook his head at Brittany, before taking her hand and doing it for her, holding it up to the camera and showing off the ring.
"I asked Brittany to marry me last week and…she said yes! And she wants you to be her maid of honour"
There it was. That feeling of the air being sucked out of Santana. Something she should have probably felt when she found out Dani was cheating on her, but instead she was feeling it now, on hearing that the love of her life who actually loved her back was suddenly and ever so quickly getting married to someone else.
This wasn't how the movie was supposed to end.
What was it with them, where they couldn't just have their happiness? It felt like this was finally it, and now yet another hurdle. Santana couldn't believe it. It felt like an out of body experience.
She realised she hadn't said anything, and she had zoned out, until she came back to her senses and was met with Brittany's worried face and Sam's confused one.
"I…wow. Wow that's…that's so great! It's amazing, honestly. Congratulations!" she forced out, her eyes suddenly glassy with unshed tears, and she hoped Brittany and Sam would put it down to happiness as they began to spill down her cheeks.
"All because of you Santana! You told me to come here and seek Brittany out again, and I did, and now we're going to spend the rest of our lives together" Sam beamed, staring at Brittany adoringly.
Hearing that felt like a genuine stab to the heart. Why had life played her like this? Why would it make her fall in love with Brittany, then elate her with the idea that Brittany felt the same, before ripping her away again. Sending her into the arms of another man, with the actions caused only by herself. It felt like the cruellest form of torment.
Brittany hadn't said a word and looked very conflicted. Santana knew what would be going through her head. She would be worrying about Santana's reaction at the fact she hadn't told her straight away, when usually they told each other everything. While that did go through Santana's mind, and she was concerned at how quick Brittany was doing this, it was the least of her upset right now. It was the fact Brittany was marrying somebody else that was killing her, knowing that if she'd said something earlier, this wouldn't have happened.
"Well…that's awesome news guys, and I'd really love to sit here and carry on talking about it with you, but I gotta go pick Mila up from my mom's. But, congratulations again, and…I'll speak to you later" Santana spluttered, itching to get off the phone so she could let her feelings out.
After some quick goodbyes, with Brittany looking increasingly concerned by Santana's reaction, Santana went upstairs and let it all out as she curled up in a ball on her bed and cried. Mila really was with her mom tonight, but she was lying about having to go pick her up. She was staying there for the night, and Santana couldn't be more thankful, because she needed to be alone so she could have a good cry.
The feeling of having Brittany dangled in front of her like a carrot only to have her snatched away moments later was worse than thinking Brittany didn't love her.
It was now that she could feel angry about Dani hiding the letter. If she'd received it two months ago when intended, things could be so different. No wonder Brittany had moved on so fast with Sam, she probably thought Santana just didn't love her back and that she'd ignored her. Like Santana would ever do that, even if she didn't feel the same way.
She wanted to call Dani up and scream at her, but she didn't. She lay weak on her bed and cried. This couldn't all be pinned on Dani. She should have plucked up the courage to say how she really felt years ago.
Now Brittany was going to belong to somebody else forever, and Santana only had herself to blame. She lay weeping all night, thinking about all those missed opportunities, chastising herself for not being brave enough to own up to her feelings.
There was nothing she could do now. That invisible string she had always believed to be there between them, had officially snapped.
The next morning, Santana was awoken by the doorbell. She rubbed the sleep from her swollen eyes, extremely groggy from her lack of sleep. The bell rang again.
"Okay, okay! I'm coming!" Santana yelled, slipping on her robe and trudging down the stairs with a sigh.
When she opened it, she was surprised to see Brittany standing there, looking adorable as ever and all wrapped up in her winter clothes. Blonde hair hanging in loose curls, the way Santana loved it the most.
Santana swallowed and closed her eyes to compose herself. She couldn't do this right now. How could she stand and be normal in front of her after everything? Why wasn't she in New York. She plastered on her best fake smile, gritting her teeth in the process.
"Brittany, what are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?" Brittany asked, tentatively.
Santana opened the door wider to allow Brittany to step inside, she didn't really have much choice. Another reoccurring theme in their relationship. Brittany just showing up out of the blue and catching Santana off guard.
Brittany cut straight to the chase.
"I know you're not over the moon about me being engaged to Sam, so I came here to explain everything".
"Brit, I didn't say that. Of course, I'm happy for you, just…a little shocked that's all".
"Santana, I know you" Brittany said firmly "Can we sit down and talk?"
Santana nodded, and lead them through to the living room, making the conscious decision to sit on the adjacent couch, rather than next to Brittany.
"I know it's quick okay?" Brittany began, but Santana cut in, her emotions rising to the surface.
"Quick!?" Santana spat "Brit you've been back with him for all of five minutes. You told me a couple of weeks ago you'd reconnected, and it was still early days. Now he's moved in and you're getting married? It doesn't add up".
"I know" Brittany nodded "And what I told you on Christmas Eve was the truth. It was early days. I had no idea he was going to propose when he did, and believe me, when he did it, I had the exact same reaction as you. I told him to stand up and stop being so ridiculous. I thought he was crazy."
"Well what changed?" Santana scoffed.
"Just…I don't know, the way he explained things to me. There's no right or wrong way to do things in life, people just think there are because they're pressured by society. But if something feels right you've gotta ignore judgement and just do it. Make sure you have no regrets in life"
Santana listened carefully. What Brittany was saying made sense. No wonder she was the one who'd been brave enough to pen her feelings about Santana, not that it seemed to matter now.
"When did he do it?" Santana asked.
"New Year's Day,"
"8 days ago, and you didn't tell me?" said Santana, her tone laced with hurt.
"I haven't even told my parents yet. We haven't told anybody. I knew people would be shocked by the news, so we wanted to tell everybody in person. The plan was always to come to Lima at the weekend, and we were going to tell everyone then. Yourself included. That's what Sam was talking about because I was going to ask you to be my maid of honour. So please don't think I just haven't thought about you San, because I have." Brittany exclaimed, reaching out for Santana's hand and feeling relieved when Santana didn't pull away.
"When I saw how shocked and upset you were on FaceTime last night, I knew I had to come here and explain everything to you. Sam had work, so he can't make it until Saturday. Please don't be mad at me, Santana. I love how much you care about me that you're just worried I'm not thinking this through enough, but I hate it when you're mad at me. Or worse, upset".
Santana sighed, and gave Brittany's hand a gentle squeeze, finding it difficult to meet her eyes due to the butterflies forming in her stomach. For her next words, she forced herself to do it, meeting apprehensive aqua eyes.
"I'm not mad at you Brit. I'm just…yeah like you say, worried. This all seems so rushed"
"I know. And I completely understand why you think that. There's something else as well that you're not going to like…" Brittany hesitated, and Santana held her breath. What more could she say that was any worse.
"Go on…" Santana urged, unable to stand the anticipation much longer.
"We're not having a long engagement. The wedding is going to be in a month's time. February 8th".
"A month!?" Santana exclaimed.
"I know, it's crazy, I get it. Right now, you think I'm even more insane. But Sam really wants us to do this before he's back on the road again and things get busy for him. February is his busiest time, what with it being fashion month. We just…don't want to wait around when we know this is what we want to do"
Santana rubbed her forehead in an attempt to ease the fog. She couldn't get her head around this. How had everything span so frantically in the opposite direction, so quickly. If she didn't already feel like the world had been turned on its head, she sure did now.
She swallowed thickly and let out the one question that was most important to her.
"Are you happy?" she asked simply.
Brittany hesitated. She was happy actually. Happier now that she was opening herself up to love again, instead of chasing desperately after Santana. Happier now that she had put her feelings out and had clarification they weren't returned, instead of the wilting pain of not knowing. Happier that she had the basis of a future on the horizon.
She wasn't as happy as she would be if she was with Santana, but that was never going to happen, so this was second best. We can't all have the things we want in life, and Brittany had come to accept that.
"Do you know what Santana, I really am. I never would have envisioned me to end up back with my high school sweetheart again. And I certainly didn't think I'd ever get married this quick. But Sam is so kind, and he treats me so well, I'd be foolish to let that go and not grab this opportunity with both hands. As crazy as I thought he was to propose so soon, he started talking to me about the future and babies and…when I heard that, it all made sense to me"
Brittany reached out and tilted Santana's chin up, so that Santana was looking at her.
"You know how much I have been dying to be a mommy, how much I long for that second chance. And I'd lay awake some nights just…terrified. Terrified I'd never meet anyone, and that I'd never get that chance again. That I'd just be stuck with this…void, forever. I'm almost 30, and time isn't on my side as much as it was 5 years ago, and that scares me. I did the whole traditional long-term relationship and milestones thing with Denver. Look how that turned out. I just want to do this differently and get that second chance that I know I deserve. This is my shot; I know it is".
As bitter as a pill that was to swallow, Santana fully understood Brittany's reasonings and she believed in her happiness. There was so much she wanted to say and do, but she'd never do anything that risked Brittany's happiness, even if it meant neglecting her own feelings.
Clearly Brittany had loved her, but clearly, she didn't feel that way anymore. She was with Sam now, and she was going to have a family, and Santana just needed to accept that the way Brittany had when she had felt like the rejected party.
"Well then, I'm really happy for you Brittany. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart" Santana smiled, eyes twinkling with her hidden sadness.
Brittany breathed a sigh of relief, and pulled Santana into a bone crushing hug, the two of them just enjoying the moment, until Brittany pulled back.
"Wait! You didn't answer my question. Will you be my maid of honour?"
Santana swallowed nervously again. There couldn't be a worse pain than standing by Brittany's side as she married somebody else, but this wasn't about her.
"Brittany, there's nowhere else I'd rather be than by your side when I watch you marry the man of your dreams. Of course, I will!"
Brittany shrieked in glee and pulled Santana back in once more.
"The man of your dreams. Really Santana? Which god awful romcom did you pull that line from in an attempt to be fake happy?" Santana thought to herself.
And as Brittany started excitedly talking through the plans she had made so far, Santana nodded her head enthusiastically as a best friend and maid of honour would. But inside her heart was aching as she pondered on the fact that in an alternate universe, the two of them would be planning their own wedding, together.
