If you are here, welcome back to Chapter 86! As promised… we're back in chapter 1.. kinda… To have you all on the same page(?) we are completely ignoring the previous chapter. So, you might want to get back to Chapter 85, and then jump to this one.
Above all….
Enjoy!
Chapter 86
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Everyone was gone by that time of the night, even himself. How badly he'd struggled all this time with having her so close and yet so far away. But Jack knew they all needed time despite being apart for so long. They needed time to adjust to this life with Samantha Carter back with them.
The two days of video calls had helped him a great deal. Yet, he knew Sam didn't smile as often as she did before. She was far more taciturn than they remembered. She spoke little with the others and even less about herself. That was also true way back then on those few days she was called back to active duty.
After her return, they all wondered where she'd been, what had happened to her. They all were giving her time out of the respect she'd always commanded.
Somehow this Samantha Carter was also a Brigadier General and in command of the SGC. He knew Hayes had a lot to do with it. The man wasn't disclosing his reasons or the way he'd managed that. Jack also knew she wasn't proud of that advancement. That for some reason, she thought she wasn't deserving of it. Her own reluctance to display her medals and anything related to her supposedly long military career. Had generated some distrust among the people who never knew her. The fact that Daniel had shouted that she'd climbed the ladder by bedding commander officers hadn't helped her case. There still were people who loved her, working inside the mountain, and every one of them were willing to give her a chance.
With little thought, he turned around and headed back to the familiar and yet so different house. He parked his truck in her driveway, right next to her SUV. Then he walked around the house, toward the garden where he hoped she'd still be.
He found her there, in the uncovered part of the backyard, covered in a warm coat and wearing winter boots with her dress. A trash bag in one hand and some plastic cups in the other made her whole outfit strange, to say the least. The heaters nearby were all turned off by then. She was standing close to a table that lingered under the tent, but she was outside. Her eyes lost on the moon.
Jack checked around and found no one. A soft melody was heard in the background. He didn't see her kid lingering inside or even close by. It made sense, he thought, as he glanced at his watch. It was late, and she'd excused herself to send Parker to bed earlier. Most likely her kid was asleep by now.
She'd felt his gaze on her. Jack knew this by the way she'd taken a step back towards the table. How she'd lowered the trash bag to the ground, not before having thrown the plastic cups inside it. Then she'd squared her shoulders. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with her, and he was sure she wanted the same. After all, they'd danced this dance not so long ago when Shannon had come visiting.
Jack walked to her, stopping behind her back. She held her breath, most likely getting herself ready for what was about to come. He didn't want the frenzied sex they seemed to be so good at using to relate or hide. Not after the calls, not while knowing there was much more than it met the eye.
"Wanna dance with an old man?" He whispered to her back. She turned around, looking surprised and half-amused.
"You aren't old! Besides, if you are, so am I." she pointed out. He chuckled.
"I don't see any gray hair coming out of your head, Carter." She rolled her eyes at him, but when he extended his hand, she took it without a doubt.
It surprised neither when they fit perfectly together. How her hand fell comfortably over his shoulders and her fingers played with the little hairs at his nape. How his hand spread perfectly over the curve of her back. Or how they could define home with the feeling that their linked hands placed above his heart send shivering down both bodies. It was this that they had been searching for, but struggling to ask for. So instead they'd fucked each other senseless.
Sam sighed, lowering her head to the crook of his neck. He took the opportunity to breathe her in. Her smell assaulting all his senses. It had been so long since he'd had a chance to hold her like this… They moved softly, entangled together for a while. Swaying slowly, not speaking. Afraid that if they did, the perfect moment would break. Terrified that they'd screw it up somehow.
Neither of them knew how long it was. The deep sigh that Jack left out what had her searching his eyes.
"Can you tell me something, Sam?" She took another deep breath.
"Yeah?" she whispered. As they still moved to the silence of the night.
"Why you called her Parker?" she frowned. That wasn't at all what she thought he would ask. Maybe now he finally wanted to know more about their daughter. Still, she struggled with the idea of announcing to the world that they shared a kid. "I mean, I heard your deposition. I know you were called Parker at some point…"
Sam saw him waiting for an answer. Giving her time to find the words or refuse if she chose to. "Because Parker saved me. Parker's one reason I could be here today," she smiled. Her glance never leaving his eyes.
"What do you mean? You weren't thinking of..." he wondered.
He'd thought about it. About taking his own life so many times. Knowing if he did, she'd never had a chance, prevented him from doing it. Maybe the kid did the same for her? She avoided his eyes for a second.
"If I never became Parker Bennet, I never would have managed half of the things I did," she said cryptically. Ignoring his last comment.
"Parker Bennet," Jack moved his head to look at her. "The name suits you. So… What did she do? You know… That Sam Carter couldn't?"
"Did you ever think the government would find the NID rogues?"
"No…" He shook his head. "I'd be surprised if they did without the help you gave them."
"I didn't believe they could either," she said. "Parker Bennet was barely the third woman I became, out of a lengthy list of people. She was the most important one by far. She met someone that changed the game for me," she said.
They both noticed that the music had stopped, but they continued moving in a rhythm of their own. One they'd found on their wedding day while they danced surrounded by his family. When things were simpler, and yet still awfully complex.
"How so?" he frowned.
"He never mentioned knowing me, but it turns out he knew who I was the moment he saw my code. He told me years later that he believed I'd come forward at some point." She grinned at the surprisingly fond memories. Jack frowned. "He was a substantial help during this entire time. He likes you too, by the way."
"He likes me. He knows me?" Jack asked, feeling more confused than at the start. Sam chuckled, that rich deep chuckle of hers. The one that sent shivers down his spine and ignited nerve endings, he thought he had long lost.
"Yes. He does. I've sent him your way before. You also tried to use him to find me." She pointed out, and he realized who she was talking about.
"That kid…. Jordan?" Sam nodded once. "How could he be so important?"
"Because he believed in me when I didn't. Without knowing it. He gave me the kick in the ass I needed. To start moving what I wasn't moving." Sam said.
"Geez, you're worse than me at this cryptic chat," he shook his head, amused. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."
"Nah. I'm good. I've had plenty of time to process every single minute of being away. I still don't know how to voice it or deal with the results of it in my present life," she smiled self-deprecatingly. "Truth is, I'm pissed at myself for taking so long."
"You're preaching to the choir here, Sam."
"We shouldn't dwell, anyway. It's not like we aren't dancing together now." She said as she gulped for air. She didn't know why, but she was willing to let more things out, now that she was in the safety of his arms. Maybe this was what Connor meant. "When I was Parker, I ended up working in the same company Jordan was at. He was a techie, and they assigned him to me for a project. One night, he said I was too good at coding. I should just ditch them and open my own software company and take him with me."
"Which you did." Jack pointed out.
"Yeah, but if he hadn't said that. It would've taken me a lot longer to figure out how to get funds to do what I needed to do."
"What was that?"
"Getting out of the program." She said another frown marred his face.
"I know I asked why you left before, but now, it seems by the third name you already wanted an out."
"I never felt comfortable. Still, I was with the program for years, Jack. It only proved to me that something was off. Too many names, too many failures. It looked like they wanted me found. As I've mentioned before, my handler also had her fears. So, I found a way to ditch them. I knew they were still trying to find me. I knew if I wanted to come back, I needed to expose them," she took a deep breath.
"Years later, I found someone willing to help me with the legal part, and here I am. I fought for so long to get myself back. That I didn't even stop to think about how I wasn't the same anymore. How you would have changed. How distant I am now from everyone I love and once loved me back," she grimaced. Some tears fell out of her eyes. "I never thought it would be so difficult to be me again."
"Oh, Sam," he whispered, bringing her closer. "We all love you."
"I know… It's just so awkward now. You love me but you have no idea who I am. Sometimes, I wonder if I know me at all. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't better if I'd remained in the dark. As dead as you all thought I was."
He stopped moving. Looking at her in the eyes and untangled himself from her embrace. "Don't say that! Please, don't," he pleaded with tearful eyes. "We never believed you were gone. We tried for years and found no one who could fill your shoes. Sam, we couldn't let you go. I never could let you go." He whispered.
"Jack… I…." He stopped her from talking, placing a finger over her lips. As he did, his other hand went under the collar of his shirt. He took his dog tags off his neck and unclasped the chain. Between his tags, the blue rock of her engagement ring shone brightly under the lights. She gasped.
"I held onto it, because I couldn't let you go. I can't let you go, Sam. You've always been the one for me." Jack confessed. He placed the ring on his hand and shoved his tags into his pants pockets. He gave her a self-deprecating smile. "Is it really a surprise that I couldn't?"
She shook her head and closed her eyes. More tears found a way out. He took her hand in his and slid the ring on her finger slowly.
"Still perfect," he whispered. She gasped for air.
"You don't get it, Jack. I'm not the one you love." She said grimly. "I'm not even close to the one you loved anymore."
He cleaned her tears, using the pad of his thumbs while she embraced herself protectively. Jack took one step closer, his hand finding her back again and pushing her close to him. She shivered. Her body's response to him was still as alive as it had been on day one.
Desire clouded her eyes at the show of possessiveness and the way his body reacted to her. Pupils dilated, lips parted, hearts beating wildly in their ears. They couldn't move. Lips inches away and yet so far apart. Completely different from the raw need they'd shared before.
Breath mingling together in a bittersweet reminiscence of what once had, of who they were once.
"You've always been the smart one, Sam," he said. Placing a strand of hair behind her ear. "So, tell me you don't want us. Tell me that what I'm seeing is not the truth. Tell me we can't work it out, and I'll walk away."
"I…" another tear fell. "I'm sorry, Jack. I'm not sure I am the one you want," she said. Jack didn't flinch but gave her a sad smile.
"I know who you are, Sam. I'm not worried about that. The question that scares me is… Do you still want me? Am I still good enough for you?"
She couldn't answer, instead, she licked her lips. Seeing that had taken the last restraint he had. He'd waited long enough before he'd claimed those lips for the first time. And almost twelve years happened before he'd had a chance to try to claim them again.
She could say she wasn't herself anymore, but he couldn't care the less. Learning who she was now could be a fun part of their new journey. He wouldn't let any chance escape him if this was what he needed to do to convince her. So… He kissed her.
If they were honest to themselves. It surprised neither of them when she answered his kiss with the same old passion that busted through the seams whenever their lips collided. Nor it was surprising, how his hands fell onto her back, bringing her impossibly close. Or how her hands fell on his neck, urging him to go deeper, to consume all of her.
If their tangled hands had felt like home. The kiss felt like arriving home, battered and bruised after an awful storm.
It was perfect and so different from the few harsh stolen kisses they'd shared in the dark of the stolen night. They relished on savoring it, healing from it.
Until something crashed inside the house and they broke apart. Only to find a horrified Parker staring at them from the inside.
"Fuck, Parker!" Sam said with widened eyes. "God, this isn't happening!" She shook her head. She looked at her hand, the ring shining on her finger. Then back to the house. Her heart fighting between the two loves of her life. Who needed her more? She thought. The man who'd lived without her for the past twelve years. Or the girl who'd known only her, her entire life?
The choice wasn't so hard. And yet, it was awfully painful. She slid the ring off of her finger and placed it on Jack's hand.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" she cracked out. Tears were a full cry now, as she turned away and rushed inside.
What she didn't know was that Parker was scared, because she'd dropped one of the few things her mom claimed to love. A vase that belonged to Samantha Carter's mom and had been in the family for generations. One that her mom had just retrieved from wherever it was hidden before she was born. Parker didn't know how her clumsiness had created a breach between her own parents.
Jack stood outside, the ring burning his hand. Feeling how his life had shattered into a million pieces. Wondering, not for the first time, what he'd done to deserve a life filled with so much pain and despair.
He walked away. Head cast down, hands deep in his pocket, squeezing the ring tightly. He shook his head. Maybe she was right, and he was better off walking away from her. Not that he wanted to, but she had just pushed him to it.
"She has a daughter, Jack. What would you do in her place?"
He was so consumed in his own despair. That he didn't notice as Sam came rushing out of the house seconds later, only to find him driving away.
The end(?)
A/N: Way back on May 8th… I forwarded this chapter to Loverustal (my friend and beta). This was intended as a bittersweet end to a bitter story.
She told me she'll kill me if I ended it here. So… For some unforeseeable reason, suddenly, I felt compelled not to end it here… Can't imagine why…
From here… bring a package of Kleenex and maybe wine, ice cream… oh, we take bribes? And yes... there is a happy ending for this.
