Chapter 85
Good intentions
Disclaimer:I don't own GG
Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.
Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering
Note: What better time than a fresh new year to take this full circle? Planning on wrapping this in couple of chapters(it has so many chapters it can be a book by now...) and get a fresh start. There will be a new story that will continue Rory's recovery as well as include Lane and Abigail as main characters with their own main storylines. All the regular people like Paris and Sookie will be there of course. It will also serve as fresh chance to see how things between Luke and Lorelai will develop. For now, let's get back to where we left off...
1.
Lorelai hadn't said a word about her trip to Rory yet, and it wasn't getting easier. Something had changed in her daughter since she returned. She seemed more lively and happy. She wasn't back in school, but she'd gone running- to Lorelai's utmost surprise- with Paris once. She went out with Jess regularly, sang with the band. She went to the support group and to therapy with determination as if she was going to war. She wrote down affirmations on flashcards to read daily, and tried meditating. She filled her mom in on the therapy and her diagnosis and what she went on with Jess. Not only had she seemed happy and stable, but she was once again talking to Lorelai openly about her relationship and her daily life. She wasn't 100% herself yet, but it seemed like a huge change after the last months. Being honest and no longer hiding how she felt seemed the most important to Lorelai. After learning about Derek and seeing her daughter withdraw in herself, and seeing her self-harm scars, she'd been scared, but the past couple of weeks were giving her hope. In all ways that counted, it seemed like Rory was stabilizing and improving in big steps in a short amount of time.
But she knew she had to be honest with her daughter as well.
Mostly because nothing had happened in the way of dating Luke in the last 2 weeks. Which made her made-up excuse for the trip fall apart more and more every day. It was just a point of time until her daughter started asking questions she couldn't evade.
Rory, in her own right, was indeed doing better. There was still a lot- to talk, to learn, to cope with. But such was life. And lately, she had started to feel more alive and stable, finding it easier to concentrate on the good moments. Her past was still haunting her, but she was coping with it as best as she could, actively participating in her own recovery, and that was something new. And she knew, she felt there was something Lorelai wasn't telling her, but a part of her wanted to postpone learning what yet. It was such a relief, to feel and enjoy the regular daily things, to sing, to talk, to run, to be with Jess. It felt like such a gift, feeling alive and present in her days. She didn't want to ruin that.
Yes, she was actively going to therapy and to the group, but she also was building up this new healthy part of herself.
And a part of her was afraid to crash again.
In the meantime, she did her best. She even took her homework from Paris and was happy to do it. She stopped at Sookie's one day, to bring her a freshly baked apple pie and thank her. It wasn't the best one she had tasted, but she felt it was important to make it herself, to thank Sookie herself for talking to her, and sharing her story. She even talked to Taylor about participating in the next town event and helping out. She was opening up, to the outside world again.
She had talked to Lane about music a lot, in these late spring nights, sitting at the bench on her front porch and doing their nails.
This was the way one day, after realizing how important the band was to Lane, she reached out to Abigail. She wanted her to see if she can find somewhere they could potentially have a gig in New York. To her surprise a few days later, Abi called her with a gig. It was late at night, but it was a real gig in a club in New York, and there would be musical producers and scouts there, and important people. People that could make or break their career. Rory was new to music and for her, she was only enjoying it so far, still too fragile to plan more than a month ahead. But she knew for Lane it was what she wanted for her life. This was the biggest chance they ever had. Abi would come there to support them, Jess too, and Tristan and Paris. It was forming into a huge get-together. Lane even found the strength to confess what they were doing to her father. He was a pilot on a big airline and he traveled often. But the small amounts of time, when he was there, he'd been more understanding and softer in his words than her mom. He'd been supportive about the gig and her desire to pursue music, but reluctant to tell her mom- he knew she wouldn't understand as much. He was going to be working on the night of the gig, but he promised to think of her and also help support her with telling her mom everything after the gig had passed.
All they had to do now was find a way to explain it to Lane's mom.
2.
(Rory)
She'd known she'd have to talk to her mom sooner or later, but the gig was coming up fast. She hesitated. Another day and they would sing in front of a club. She'd waited 2 weeks to ask about it, and she could wait another couple of days. Her therapist had urged her to resolve that sooner rather than later. But she knew, felt in all her being, that if her mom hadn't said anything, it was for a good reason. And she was afraid to take her concentration off the upcoming gig. This could wait.
And then it was the last night before the gig, and as it happens in life, things took a turn of their own. Sometimes we think the story is about one thing, and then it turns out to be about something completely different.
The plan was for Rory and Lorelai to watch a movie together, eat pizza, have a quiet night. Then Lorelai would go to sleep briefly, and Rory would go to the gig. Lorelai had set an alarm to wake up and be there when Rory got back. To support her.
The door rang, hopefully with their pizza. The phone rang too, but Rory missed it while her mom was changing in sweatpants upstairs and Rory was paying for the pizza. There was the short beep of a message being left. Rory threw the pizza on the table and headed for the machine. Lorelai was trying to change fast, having heard all that. Rory pressed the button to play the message. An older, deeper, but familiar voice sound from the machine.
'Lorelai? It's Derek. I got your number from the Inn. Please tell me you won't tell my family. I don't blame you or that man for what you did. But my family is innocent in all this. Please. I will send you whatever money you want, I will apologize a million times if you want. Just tell me you won't talk to my family. Call me back and I'll wire you money as soon as I can. Call me back, please. That's all, bye.'
Lorelai, who was rushing down the stairs previously, was fast enough to hear the end of the message. She recognized the voice though, and her chest hurt in pain for her daughter.
'Rory, just let me explain.'
It had taken her one look at the color draining from her daughter's face to know Rory recognized the voice too.
'No.' That was it. One syllable. She couldn't say more, wouldn't. She hadn't needed his name to recognize the voice that made her still wake in nightmares. All the contents of her stomach made her feel nauseous and she struggled to keep control. She didn't need to hear the story, despite the questions rushing through her head. She knew her therapist wouldn't approve, or Jess probably too. She couldn't stop herself. In a second something in her had broken and she shook her head. She didn't want to know tonight, neither his words nor her mom's. Since the message on the machine had faded, she felt like something large was squeezing her chest and her body and mind felt completely detached. She cleared her voice, but her face was blank, detached.
'I can't, I have a gig, I have 2 hours to get ready for a gig, I have a gig. I need to get ready, I have a gig...' Her eyes watched straight in front of her and her body started shaking with adrenaline from the fear.
Lorelai took a quick step forward to take her daughter's hands in hers. They were icy and although she didn't resist the touch, Rory didn't react either.
'Honey, don't you think maybe you shouldn't go? Stay in, we can talk about this? Please stay.'
'No. No. No. I have to go, for Lane.'
'She will understand. Honey, I think you're in shock. You're in no condition to...'
Rory pulled her hands away suddenly. ' And whose' fault is that? Two- it's been 2 weeks-.' Making sentences felt like she was speaking a foreign language.
'I know, but... Honey, honey you're shaking, sit down, let's talk about this!'
Entirely unable to control herself, Rory took another step backward. 'No, no, mom, no. I am going, I need to go, I need to get ready...'
In a frightening second her daughter had regained that haunting look that used to scare her so much. Lorelai tried talking to her, but she wouldn't. When she came out of the shower she refused to acknowledge anything had happened at all. She left for the gig, and Lorelai stayed on the couch, looking aimlessly at the TV, knowing that when her daughter came back they would need to talk. She wouldn't be able to sleep, not now. But she figured that her daughter having a good time at this gig might soften the blow a bit when they finally talked.
While they took the bus to New York, the whole big group of them, it was easy for Rory to hide behind one-word answers and leaving others to pull her into their joy and excitement. And to push everything else away.
She was supposed to check in what story Lane gave her mom, but she was too distracted. Lane seemed the same, and Rory thought she was nervous perhaps. Whatever it was, she didn't have the energy to ask. All she wanted was to get on stage and lose herself in the music.
3.
after the gig
(Lane)
The gig... was a huge blow. There was no one- almost - in the club. It was a Tuesday night and too little people had shown up. It wasn't a bad night though. They were a big group now, and they sang as in 2 and 3 people groups, drank, talked, dance. For what it's worth, Lane wasn't entirely disappointed. It was her first big night out. In New York no less. There would be other chances, for singing. And with her dad help, she could try being more honest with her mom. Maybe try to change that pattern of living a double life she'd had since forever. She should have known, that life was never that straight-forward.
But she didn't.
She wasn't prepared. She'd been preparing since she was 6, for this moment. Yet somehow she'd deluded herself into thinking she can get what she chose, for once in her life. That her father will help her, and she and her mom would get to some consensus, some agreement, some magical common ground. All the magic in the air, that tingly feeling she'd gotten dancing in a New York club with Tristan and a bunch of friends- that feeling that there was so much promise in life, so much more beyond what you knew... it all drained out of her when she quietly snuck back into her dark home, and opened the door of her room, just to find her mom, sitting on her bed.
Suddenly she was stone-cold sober, drained of any magical feeling, and shaking from the chilly night and the fear, sliding like poison through her body.
'Mom' Every hiding place she'd had, under floorboards, in fake bottoms of boxes, inside big books that were actually boxes, behind the fake back of her wardrobe, it was all out, on display, colorful and messy and sickening. The very real shame and disappointment washed through her body in sickening waves. Just a little more time, a little, and with the support of her father she would have told her mom. But it was too late for that now. One thing she could explain. A slip in her schedule, being late, one of these boxes or floorboards. One mistake was a mistake. This was a hurricane. 'I didn't want to disappoint you, I never want to disappoint you...but...'
'You didn't?'
Her mom didn't yell, and truthfully, it could have been easier if she did. She just gently shook her head, looking around the room. Her voice was quiet, deep, hurt. And she knew she'd screwed up, in a way she could never repair. Somehow, after so many years, she thought this would never happen. But it had, it was.
'Mom! I love you. I never want to disappoint you. Or live in a way you would approve of, but I just...'
4.
When Rory returned, she didn't want to shake off the wonderful feeling of the evening. She got in the house quietly and saw her mom sleeping on the couch, waiting for her. She smiled and went to put a blanket over her. Then she snuck a few blankets and pillows out of her room and nestled next to her mom, leaning on her and snuggling to go to sleep too. All the emotions of the evening washed over her in a wonderful dizzying wave and fell into a deep sleep almost instantly.
Suddenly, there was a really loud knock on the door, and they both awoke. It was still dark out and the persistent knock was disorienting. Rory stumbled towards the door, keeping one blanket around her shoulders for warmth, with her mom right behind her. She looked who it was, and then still as confused, but relieved, she opened the door.
'Lane?'
'Can I sleep here for a few days? Please!'
