Chapter 34: There's No Place Like Home
Connie held her arms tight around James. He was in the sling against her chest but it still didn't seem secure enough. Her heart raced in her chest as her eyes moved constantly from Ella to Daryl to her surroundings.
The sun would be creeping over the horizon any minute but it was still pitch-black outside. She could barely make out Daryl's body in front of her let alone see what he was occasionally signing to her. She knew Ella would be okay as long as her hand was in Daryl's. But if she was being perfectly honest, she was terrified. Where is the damn sun? she thought to herself as she shuffled through the dark woods.
Connie had never felt more vulnerable. Never before had she been in a situation like this. Years ago, before she'd even met Daryl Dixon, she'd endured her share of dangerous and deadly circumstances. She had to stumble around in the dark and quiet but never with a day old newborn strapped to her body.
Ruby was right by her side. She felt the Labrador's wet nose against her arm and she immediately spun around to see what the dog was alerting her of. She couldn't see anything. She held her left arm tightly around James then pulled her knife out of her belt with her right hand. Her eyes went in every direction as she tried to catch her breath. She still couldn't see anything but the approaching smell let her know something dead was close by. By the time she finally saw the walker, it was inches in front of her. It lunged at her but she fell backwards to dodge the attack. She twisted her body to avoid falling on James and hit her head on the stump of a tree. The dead body tumbled down towards her. Its mouth was nearing James as she stabbed her knife into its head. She rolled the limp body off of her and the baby then blacked out.
…..
Connie opened her eyes slowly, trying to regain her consciousness. At once her hands moved to her chest. There was nothing there. Where is James? she thought in a frenzied panic. She sat up quickly and looked around.
Daryl stood close by holding James in the crook of his burly arm with Ella right next to him. Connie let out the breath she was holding. She brought herself to her feet but teetered from side to side when she got there.
"Careful," Daryl said clearly as he looked at her. He steadied her with his free arm and held onto her as he spoke. "You hit your head pretty hard. Probably got a concussion."
Connie rubbed the back of her head and felt a knot the size of a walnut. She looked at her hand and saw sticky blood on her fingertips.
Connie looked back up at Daryl and James. The baby's mouth was open wide and she could see that he was wailing. Give me the baby, she signed to Daryl.
You sure you're steady enough to hold him? Daryl replied. Connie nodded impatiently and Daryl placed the newborn in her arms. She carefully sat on the ground, pulled her shirt up and began to feed him. James nursed eagerly as Connie studied her surroundings.
It was lighter outside and there were nearly ten bodies strewn out on the ground all around them.
How long was I unconscious? Connie asked.
I don't know. Five minutes...maybe a little longer.
Connie looked around again at the dead laying nearby. And you killed all these walkers? All while I was passed out?
All but the one you got and a couple that Ruby took down.
Connie looked down at James who was thankfully quiet as he nursed. She shook her head in confusion and dismay before looking back up at Daryl. What happened? she finally asked him.
I was hitching up the cart. There were bats in the rafters. I should have left them alone but I didn't want them to spook Delilah. Daryl scoffed as he shook his head. I tried to shew them out but one bit Delilah on the ear. She kicked over my lantern and the hay bales went up fast.
Connie couldn't believe it. Less than 90 minutes ago she was warm in their bed. They were safe. Now their house was gone and they were out in the open, far from any safe refuge.
Where's Delilah now?
Don't know. She jumped the fence after she got bit.
"Is she dead Daddy?" Ella asked wistfully.
Connie waved her hand to get Ella's attention. No talking, Sunshine. We have to use our superpower. Ella nodded and Connie smiled back up at her.
Ella looked back up at her daddy. Is Delilah dead? she signed.
Daryl shook his head. I'm sure she's fine. He chewed on his bottom lip then looked at Connie. She looked back at him and nodded. Daryl knew that look well. Ella was old enough and deserved to know the truth. They were in a dangerous situation and it wouldn't be doing the young girl any favors to sugarcoat things. Actually, I don't know if Delilah is alive or not. She might be but she might not be.
Daryl kept watch while Connie finished nursing James then attempted to change his diaper. He cried the whole time which drew a few more walkers to them. Daryl dispatched them at once.
We gotta get moving, Daryl finally said.
Connie stood up and placed James back in the sling. She paced back and forth momentarily before she turned to look at Daryl. How are we going to do this?
Daryl noted both fear and cynicism in her demeanor. Traits usually foreign to her. What do you mean? he asked.
I mean how the hell are we going to walk almost 50 miles to Alexandria with a crying baby?
By putting one foot in front of the other until we get there.
You saying it isn't going to just make it happen.
Well it ain't going to happen because we're sitting here, fighting about it either.
How could you have let this happen when your only job is to protect us? Our babies – they're out here in the open. They're not safe. We're not safe and the only safety is 50 miles away.
I'm going to keep us safe! Isn't that what I've been doing? Daryl stopped talking and stared ahead, trying to consider what the next best move would be. We could go to Hilltop. It's a lot closer.
That's not safe either. The walls are down and no one's there.
It's only three miles away though. Barrington house is still standing. It's safer than being out in the open.
Ruby ran up to Connie and nudged her with her nose. Connie turned around and watched as yet two more walkers approached.
Connie moved in front of Ella, protectively shielding her daughter with her body. She wrapped her arm tightly around James as he stirred in the sling.
Daryl confidently raised his crossbow up and shot the two walkers one after another. They toppled to the ground. Daryl wasted no time retrieving his arrows from the dead bodies.
Connie's eyes rolled in her head as she stumbled. She held onto Ella's shoulder then hunched over and threw up.
Daryl rushed over to her side and helped her regain her footing. You definitely have a concussion.
I'm fine, Connie signed indignantly as she stared at Daryl with sharp eyes. I'm not worried about myself, just the kids.
We're going to Hilltop, Daryl said decisively. We can rest and maybe find more supplies.
…..
By the time they arrived at the Hilltop, the rain started again. Connie and the children waited outside with Ruby while Daryl cleared the inside of Barrington House. Although it was empty of walkers, it also happened to be empty of any food or useful supplies. But it was dry and safe, and that was as good as it was going to get for now.
It was close to noon by the time they were settled in and safe. Daryl locked them inside and went out by himself to try and find some food. He was gone for nearly two hours before he returned with three squirrels and a rabbit. He could have stayed out longer and tried to track a deer but he was more anxious to return to his family than to eat an appetizing meal.
Daryl came into Barrington House and locked it up securely once again. He went upstairs into the largest bedroom the grand house boasted and once inside, locked and secured that too.
He nodded his head towards Connie then went straight to the fireplace. He had a hell of a time trying to build a fire with old encyclopedias and ornate furniture but he finally managed. Less than an hour later, Connie, Ella, Daryl and Ruby were feeding on the meat.
By seven that night, Ella was sprawled out and fast asleep in the ornate, four poster bed. Connie sat in an over sized wingback chair and held James in the sling as he slept too. Daryl had barely sat down the entire day and stood by the window keeping watch.
Connie stood and walked quietly over to her husband as he stared at the dimming sun sinking below the distant horizon. Daryl looked away from the window towards her. You should try and get some sleep. You need it.
So do you. House is locked up tight and Ruby will keep watch.
I'll sleep. Promise. Daryl pushed her hair back from her face and looked into her eyes, examining them closely. How's your head? You still filling dizzy?
A little dizzy when I stand up too fast but my head doesn't hurt much anymore.
Is your bleeding any better?
Connie shrugged. It's under control. I'm fine. I mean as fine as anyone who just had a baby and a concussion could be.
Daryl let out a heavy thoughtful sigh then looked her in the eyes. She could read the worry all over his face. More I think about it, the more I think we should stay here.
For how long? she asked.
I don't know. I just know I ain't keen on taking you and the babies back out there. Alexandria's far. We don't have Delilah or much in the way of supplies.
We have ourselves. We can do it.
That's not what you said this morning. Connie looked down at her feet. He was right. Her confidence earlier that day was lower than Daryl had ever seen before and she took it all out on him. It'll be the same thing when we go back out there. We'll be in the middle of nowhere – no cover. There's only one outpost between here and Alexandria but even that's close to twenty miles away.
We can't stay here though, Connie argued. There's nothing for us here. No food. No water.
It's been raining enough that we can collect enough water to drink. I can hunt.
We need to get him to the doctor, she said as she looked at James and ran her fingers across the wispy hair on his head.
We ain't that far from home. Maybe we should go back there, see what we can salvage. The rain had to have put the fire out by now.
No we have to go to Alexandria. James needs to be checked out. I do too.
It ain't safe to go out there again.
As long as we're alone, there is no safe place.
We've always been alone. It's been just you and me for seven years.
We need people.
All we need is each other. If we go back home, we can sort this out. We have the cache we buried near the cabin. We can go back there and rebuild.
What is it with you and that cabin? It's just four walls and a roof. It's not even that anymore. We can't go back there. We need more.
What the hell are you talking about? Daryl replied as his eyes narrowed.
The walkers nearly killed us. James almost died when he was born. The cabin caught fire and we're running for our lives.
Daryl looked decidedly away from his wife and turned his attention to the other side of the window again. He stared outside for a long time before he looked back at Connie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let all those things happen. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you better.
Connie leaned her face onto Daryl's muscular arm, feeling the warmth and comfort of his sturdy body against her. It felt so powerful. He felt so safe. It soothed her and reminded her of how she always felt when he was near. He listened to her sigh before he felt her tears soaking through the fabric of his shirt. He turned towards her and looked down into her face.
What's wrong? Daryl asked. Connie shook her head and looked away, avoiding his eyes. Daryl pulled her chin up and brought her gaze back to him. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong.
Connie hesitated again before she looked straight at him and began to sign. I was cruel to you today. I was cruel and I'm not sure I've ever felt worse about the way I've treated another person...the way I treated you today.
That's it? Daryl scoffed. That's what's got you so upset right now? Connie nodded regretfully as tears fell from her eyes. I'm fine. You ain't got to feel bad about that. Daryl replied as he looked out the window again.
Connie moved herself in front of him. You can act like that didn't hurt you but I know you better than that – better than you know yourself sometimes.
Well you were right. I deserved it. I got us into this damn mess and I didn't keep us safe. I saw the bats and I knew I should have let them be but...Connie pushed his hands down, feeling even more guilt that he was taking the blame for it all.
You think the same thing couldn't have happened to me? Connie asked. It's not about the bats. It's not even about the fire or us being out here. It's about you and me. We're in this together. Our wins and our losses are together. Connie paced back and forth before she came back to Daryl's side. She took his hand in hers and looked him in the eyes before signing once more. I'm sorry I said what I said to you earlier..trying to blame you for everything. It was an ugly thing to say and I'm ashamed. I was scared...more scared than I've been in a long time. Until the last few days, fear has been such an unfamiliar feeling to me. You know how I get in the dark. That's not an excuse. I took it all out on you and that was unfair because you have done everything – everything within your power to keep us safe. You want to stay here because you're scared too. And the only reason you're scared is because I made you doubt yourself. I should have never done that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Daryl pulled Connie into his arms and held onto her securely. He rested his chin gently on her head and Connie could feel him let out a deep sigh. Connie pulled away slightly and looked up into his eyes.
If you think we should go back to the cabin, we can go back. If you think going back is the right call, than I trust you. Daryl stood still. He stared out the window for a long time contemplating a dozen different thoughts.
That cabin..., Daryl began to sign as he looked back at his wife. That cabin was the first time I had a home...a real home that belonged to me. It was the first place I ever felt safe. First place I ever felt happy.
I remember as a kid hating to go home. Hated the people there. Hated how I felt the minute I walked through the door, he continued. Some nights, usually when my pa was on a bender, I wouldn't even go home. I knew if I took one step through the door, I'd get a beating. I'd sleep out in the open, under the stars. It was cold and the ground was hard but at least I had some peace, you know?
Then I found you, Daryl continued as he smiled down at Connie, and we made that little cabin our home. We filled it with happiness and warmth and I felt safe there. It was the first place I had peace. Pretty much every good thing that ever happened to me in my whole damn life, it happened under that roof. And I couldn't wait to come home. I couldn't wait to walk through the door and have Ella throw her arms around me...and walk up to you in the kitchen while you're cooking or washing vegetables in the sink and kiss you. And then you splashing water on me because I scared you. Daryl stared dreamily into her eyes as he went on. Making love to you in our bed and then you falling asleep in my arms. Holding you next to me and staying awake just so I could have more time with you. Then James coming into our lives...all of it...it all happened there.
We can go back, Connie replied. If the cabin means that much to you, we can go back. If it's gone we can build it again.
The cabin, it's just a building. You said it yourself: it's just four walls and a roof.
I'm sorry I said that. It means more to you than that, Connie argued.
No, it doesn't. We're never going to live there again. We're going to Alexandria and we'll have a new home there...a new life. We'll be safe and Ella and James can have friends and go to school.
It doesn't have to be like that. I don't think I understood how much our home meant to you.
No I don't think I understood, Daryl expressed to her emphatically.
What do you mean? she asked.
Daryl placed his hand on Connie's face and caressed her soft skin gently. He leaned over and kissed her, letting his lips linger on hers. He moved back slightly and stared deep into her eyes. You're my home. You. Not a cabin in the woods, just you. I saw the house on fire and I thought I was losing it all. I don't know how I could be so stupid. Daryl shook his head and tears glistened in the corners of his eyes. Because it's you that makes me feel safe...makes me feel happy. You're my home, Connie. And if I have you with me and we have Ella and James...our babies. I'll always have a home.
A/N: There was a time in my life not that long ago that I was writing a chapter a week. I'm not sure how that was even possible since now I'm doing well to write a chapter a month. Anyhow, leave a comment to let me know what you think of this chapter or how you think it's all going to end. I'm praying that the Lord will bless all of you with a merry, memorable Christmas and a happy, healthy New Year. Love to you all!
