Just to be on the safe side and not trigger anyone... There are thoughts of self-harm towards the end of this chapter.
Chapter 87
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sam rushed inside. All the thoughts about what had just happened in the garden forgotten as she crossed the door to find her daughter. To fix what she knew was broken. It was funny, she thought, that she found a broken vase lying in thousands of pieces on the floor. It was the perfect image of how she felt inside. She couldn't try to fix herself any more than she could try to fix that vase. Not when Parker was looking petrified in place.
She hadn't seen Parker this afraid, since she was seven. When somehow Sam had found herself a stalker. The man had found a way to follow them home. She had to explain to Parker back then, that the guy thought he liked her and was trying to be friends with her. She hadn't exactly revealed to Parker that he was stalking them, or how dangerous that could become. Thank god, it had happened in time with their next name change.
"Sweet P," Sam whispered. "Hey, everything is okay?" She asked as she tried to get near her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't… I couldn't… I…" Parker tried to explain, but she couldn't just put words to her actions. Sam reached her and kneeled in front of her. Embracing her softly at first and then tightly as she felt Parker tightening the embrace herself.
"Shh… It's okay, P. Everything is going to be okay."
"You don't get it, mommy," Parker said through her tears. "I wanted to give you some privacy and now… Now, I scared him away!" She cried. Sam frowned, completely confused by her words.
"What?" She wanted to facepalm herself for her lack of better words.
"I was walking backward," she sniffled. "So, you wouldn't know I was here…. And I hit the table." Parker looked awfully devastated by it. "I didn't want to scare you! I didn't want him to leave!"
"You?" The frown, like the confusion, only deepened. Sam wished she'd never felt this confused before, but she had. "You didn't… You don't?" She asked. Not quite knowing what she was asking but wanting to know the answer, nonetheless.
"I'm so sorry, mom." P wept. "If only I was less clumsy, you would still be looking…" Parker took a step away, "happy."
"You mean… You aren't angry about what you saw?" Sam asked. Desperately wanting her to answer that she wasn't. "This…" she waved towards Parker to explain what she meant by this. "It isn't for what you saw?"
"No! How could I be angry with you when you looked so happy after all this time?" Parker asked. Now as confused as her mom was looking.
"Oh, God."
Sam rushed out of her house, hoping that somehow, he was still there. Yet, just her luck, she only saw the backlights of his truck. As they disappeared into the night.
She let herself fall on the snow-covered ground in her front garden. Not feeling the cold biting her legs in the sightless. She was too shocked, knowing that she had shoved him away. And this time… This time there might not be a way of coming back. She had jumped to the wrong conclusion. She might have fucked up her chances once and for all.
How could she even hope to fix it? He'd spent almost twelve years pinning for someone she wasn't anymore. He had waited for his Sam to return and instead… He got her. She was as cold as the snow under her. Feelings around him were always so stupidly complicated.
Sam only noticed the cold when she rubbed her face tiredly with almost blue fingertips. Her palms had touched the frozen trail of tears she didn't even notice were falling. "How can you be so stupid? When everyone praises just how smart you supposedly are?" She mumbled, shaking herself and standing up. With her head lowered, she walked back inside the warmth of the house. Her whole body pricking as it warmed up.
Parker was nowhere to be seen. The scraps of the vase were also gone. How long had she been outside? She wondered for a second. She felt the blood returning to her fingertips and the overall cold mass she was. She needed to talk with Parker. Yet, she couldn't scare her daughter looking as disheveled as she felt.
Shivering, teeth clattering a bit too loud for the silence of the house. She headed for her room. She needed a warm shower. "Fuck," she mumbled. Knowing that Parker would be there, waiting to fulfill their little tradition. No matter how wrong everything seemed now. So, Sam hoped Parker wouldn't notice her entering her room. That way she wouldn't scare her even more than she already had.
Sam frowned when she didn't find Parker cuddled up in her bed.
Truth was, Sam needed her tonight of all nights. She needed her to gather the strength she was lacking. She knew it was a bit selfish on her part to need her daughter like that. But, after all the years alone, and all the distrust she had placed on the outside world. Parker was the closest thing she had to the man she loved. The man that, no matter how bad the situation was, had always managed to make her feel safe.
Getting rid of her soaked cold clothes. She turned the shower on as mild as she could, so she wouldn't cause herself a shock. As color returned to her extremities, she warmed it up until her chest was of a violent red. She got out. Dried herself and found the most comfortable PJs she had to sleep in. She toweled her hair dry before she did a quick job of blowing it dry. Then she finally thought she looked a bit better than she felt.
Knowing her daughter, Sam knew Parker wouldn't be asleep. Not when she felt like she had screwed up something. Most likely, and just like her mom, Parker would be going over all the things that happened and the ways to fix it. But her kid didn't have a say on this. Not really.
With a heavy heart, Sam walked to the other inhabited room of her house. Parker's door was closed. She knocked on it softly and got no answer. So, she opened it slightly. The lights were off, but the moonlight was enough to see her in bed.
As if she hadn't done that enough already, Sam's heart broke for the thousandth time that night. When she spotted Parker curled up in a tight ball in a corner of her bed.
"What are you doing here, sweet P?" Sam said her voice merely a whisper. Parker didn't move, but Sam noticed she was shaking.
'Fuck! You broke her too!' Sam thought as she padded closer to her bed.
"Hey, mind if I join you?" Sam asked, raising the covers and sliding beside her daughter's curled form. Parker said nothing. Sam gulped. "Why are you so upset, P?" She whispered, tugging her close. Parker turned around and clung to Sam's frame as if her life depended on it.
"I… You looked so happy! I screwed it all up! I broke your mom's vase! I only screw things up!" Sam gulped again. Trying to get rid of the knot in her throat.
"It's okay, P. You didn't screw things up. It's only a vase." Sam said.
"It was your mom's vase! The one you just got back!" She cried. Sam let her cry. She didn't really know what else she could do. Not when she couldn't find comfort in her own mind. It wasn't until Parker's breath evened out that Sam allowed herself to cry.
She was tired. So damn fucking tired of everything. Of how life kept screwing her up repeatedly. As if someone was just having fun with keeping her and Jack separated and suffering.
As she cried, she decided she wouldn't take it. There were all those videos she'd done. All those videos Parker had done. All of them directed to the same man. One they both loved but had to keep themselves apart with.
"Fuck this." Where the last words she mumbled before she finally fell asleep.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
He knew it, he just knew it. His gut had told him he had to stay the hell away from that woman the day he met her. Jack knew, by the way his heart had skipped a beat when she entered that room. How he'd been unable to keep himself from holding a breath when she challenged him. He knew that she was trouble.
Jack never thought just how much of trouble she was meant to be. How much she would mean to him or how much it would pain him not being able to have her. He shook his head. Despite the distance, he had seen the look of utter terror on the kid.
'Well, fuck!' He thought.
It was just his luck that the kid would come out when he was there. Proposing to his wife to get a life together again. It was just his luck that he had forgotten all about that kid, in the few moments they'd stolen that night.
Parking his truck in his driveway, he rubbed his face tiredly. Then his chest. The pain was oppressive and it was breath-taking. He wondered once more if this was it. If that would be the real heart attack that would finally take him out of this world of suffering, he lived in.
"No such luck," he thought as he entered his house, dragging his feet.
For all he cared, he was done. He didn't want to know anything else about the world or extraterrestrial crisis. He didn't want to try to fix everyone else's life when he couldn't manage to fix his. He was tired, defeated. Driving back to Colorado had taken its toll. So no matter how bad he felt. The moment his head had touched his pillow. He'd fallen asleep.
He dreamt of chasing her. He dreamt of having her. What was worse, he dreamt of her being trapped in Ba'al's fortress. That she was the one the cruel System Lord killed repeatedly, as Jack was unable to do shit to save her. The 'I'm not the one you want,' in her voice mixed with images of the cold RepliCarter. He wasn't sure how he could tell them apart, but he knew that wasn't her. Even if she looked and sounded like her.
He had slept, but he didn't feel rested at all in the morning. After showering to get himself more awake, he had drowned his sorrows in a large mug of coffee. It was barely five in the morning when he pulled out of his driveway and started his way back to the cabin.
Maybe he couldn't ever be happy with Sam. At least he had a family that would try to console him and bring some joy into his old sad days.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sam woke up at four. The first thing she did was take Parker's thumb drives out of their hiding place. A bittersweet smile since they were in the same place they'd always been. Just below a box that contained the only doll she had kept until that year. Shaking herself of her thoughts. She rushed. Grabbing a copy of each and throwing them in a bag. Then she did the same with hers. That had only taken her ten minutes at most.
After that, she paced in front of her door until Fred was there an hour later. She truly didn't feel comfortable leaving Parker with him. No matter how long it had been since they'd started to train together. The months that happened simply weren't enough to gain her full trust. They weren't enough to leave him alone with her most precious thing.
So she'd trained. Trying to get all the rage and frustration out of her body, before she could blow up even worse in front of Jack. Parker woke up around six. Her puffy eyes were witness just as to how much she'd cried. Sam knew because she had seen them while she kicked Fred's butt. Parker sat on the stairs watching them fight.
Sam had convinced herself that a call at six in the morning wasn't a good thing. So, she had waited until seven-thirty to place the call. To Sam's frustration, Jessica didn't arrive until an hour later. By then, she was already dressed and ready to bolt.
Somehow, she'd managed to drive slow enough not to scare anyone, until she knew they couldn't see her. She pressed the gas and sped through the Sunday morning's empty roads. The fact that his truck wasn't there, parked in his driveway, was already a bad omen.
Clenching her jaw, she parked. Taking a deep breath, she walked down to his front door. The house was dark. She noticed as she peered through a window. However, she knew him, or she thought she knew him well enough to know where he'd leave his spare key.
She walked around the house, finding the door that had taken her to this backyard the night they'd had dinner. And so much more. She patted the door frame until she found it. Sticking just a bit above it. She stood on her tippy toes and got a hand on it.
"Aha!" She mumbled. As the key finally was in her hand. She opened the door, only to find the coldest place ever. The drapes were pulled closed. There was no chance that the ray of light had even a sliver to filter inside. She patted her pocket to find her phone. Turning the flashlight on, she walked around his home.
It was as empty as she felt.
She wandered around until she found what she thought must be the master bedroom. The door was closed, so she had knocked on it. "Jack?" she called. She knew, she simply knew, he wasn't there.
Opening the door, she found his bed was made. There was slight disarray on one side. His side. Something told her he had fallen asleep over the covers and hadn't cared about fixing it before he'd left. Out of an impulse, she walked to the bed. Placed her hand over where he'd had to be laid before. It was cold.
She threw herself on his spot. Wondering if she wished hard enough, he would materialize right then and there. She knew that wouldn't be the case, not for her, at least. She didn't know exactly how long she'd lay there until she took a deep breath. She couldn't help herself as she stood up.
Feeling a bit of a stalker, she opened his closet. There was a sweatshirt that looked as if it had seen better days. Numbed by the pain of her reality, she clung to it. It smelled like the Jack that had fucked her against the wall. The same Jack that had had her in his yard and bathroom. The one she'd fucked on his floor and his couch.
If she was honest. She couldn't remember for the life of her if that was the same smell of the Jack she loved.
Maybe fate was trying to tell her something? Maybe she should've stopped this futile search? Maybe she should leave while she could. Maybe she should've let him go. Way back when she was simply Emma Irvine, and the WITSEC seemed like some kind of safe haven.
Maybe she shouldn't have screwed it all up. Bringing herself back to this life filled with pain. Dragging Parker along for the ride.
Parker… Parker deserved to know her dad. But did she deserve to be broken by the fact that he didn't care about her?
She saw Jack's safe and was drawn to it like a moth to the flame. She donned his sweatshirt before caressing the digits on the pad. Pressing some numbers, her birth date, she opened it. She didn't know if she was happy about it or if it was just another sad reminder of how much she'd fucked him up.
His secondary service weapon looked at her, tempting her.
Could she do it? Could she just press the cold barrel against her head and pull the trigger? She knew all her plans would still be in place. She knew Jack would get a call. Parker would end up with him. With the father, she never knew.
She took the weapon in her hands. The weight to unfamiliar and yet so comfortably known to her hands. She sat on his bed, weapon in hand. She looked at her phone. Maybe she should call him… Warn him of what she was about to do…
"No," she mumbled. "You know how calls in times of despair can end up." She raised the gun towards her head. She thought about her accident. That somehow, she was alive. Was it worth it? The pain she had put everyone through then? To end it all like this?
Her phone screen brightened up then. Showing her a picture of Parker. Illuminating Jack's bedside as it faded back to black. She turned the light on…
At his bedside, there was a picture of them. Dancing at their wedding. She looked lovely and carefree. He was looking at her as if she was his whole damn world. Beside it, a picture of Charlie.
"Fuck!" She said. How could she be so fucking selfish? Thinking of pulling the trigger of his service weapon. When she knew exactly what that had cost him the last time, someone did that. How could she add that guilt to his already frazzled mind? She dropped the weapon as if it burned her hand… Maybe not today. Maybe not like this.
