A/N: this chapter holds a tw for mentions of sexual assault.
Princess Leia Organa would attend the press conference being prepared for her, sure.
First, though, she needed to speak to her brother. She needed to at least try and make things right with him again before she could make amends with the entire galaxy at large.
And if that caused the press conference to be even more postponed than it already was? Then so be it.
Hence why she suddenly found herself in the squadron's lounge, looking for a particular blonde blue-eyed boy that tended to blend in with the crowd, even though there was nothing ordinaryabout him. She found him sitting on the couch, apparently trying to make small conversation with Marlow while Marlow looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but next to the rebellion's hero.
Leia gently laughed; she saw a lot of potential in the young girl, Marlow would only need to work past her timidity issues first, especially if she wanted to follow Mon Mothma's steps into a public political career.
The constant chatter in the room started to die down when the pilots came to notice her presence there, even though she had been trying to blend in. The sudden silence was all it took for Luke Skywalker to look up and find his twin sister standing by the entrance in a fancy dress and arms crossed under her chest. He made eye contact with her and left his stare there.
"Everybody, clear the room."
Her tone carried tenderness while also commanding everybody out, and it didn't take long for pilot after pilot to walk past her. Leia briefly looked at Marlow, and Marlow understood the order applied to her as well. She got up.
"Your Highness," Marlow greeted her, bowing before the princess. Leia only wished she would stop doing that.
"Padmé is securing us a landspeeder in the main hangar so we can follow to the Senate. Meet me there."
Marlow nodded and left the room.
Then, there were two.
They stared at each other for a while until Luke grew uncomfortable and dropped his gaze to his lap.
Leia sighed.
"I hope I haven't caught you in a bad time?"
"No," Luke said. "I was just biding my time, you know, talking to Marlow, but — I don't think she likes me. At least, she definitely didn't want to talk to me."
Leia snorted. "She's just shy, especially when interacting with big heroes. I've known her for months and I still can't get her to stop bowing before me every time I see her."
Luke chuckled, but the sound was hollow.
Sighing again, Leia closed the door to fully assure nobody would interrupt them. When she turned back around towards her brother, she found him with his jaw fallen down, his eyes bigger than she had ever seen them.
Leia grew slightly uncomfortable under his stare.
"What? What is it?"
Upon realizing what he was doing, Luke's gaze dropped again.
"N—Nothing," he stuttered. "Aren't you supposed to be at a press conference?"
"It can wait," Leia assured, walking towards the couch where he was sat and awkwardly took a seat next to him. "I can't afford to go out there when my mind isn't in the right place."
By then, they were both looking ahead, barely acknowledging each other's presence. "Is that why you're here?"
"Yes," Leia nodded. "I wanted to talk — to you."
"Talk?" Luke seemed perplexed, "Or yell?"
Leia grimaced. Her brother had every reason to be angry at her, but his anger when she had come after him to try and make amends only made things harder.
"I am — trying to do the right thing here, Luke."
Her voice was a mixture of smoothness and shyness; somehow, it had been enough to calm Luke.
"Sorry."
"You're not the one who needs to apologize," Leia shook her head. "I am. And I will, but — I wanted to have an honest conversation with you before it came to that."
Pursuing his lips on a thin line, he agreed.
Leia turned so she would be staring at her brother's side profile.
"I couldn't sleep last night. By the end of the day, I was simply exhausted, from the things the Empire said I'm responsible for, from my fight with Padmé, from my fight with you," Leia reminisced with a heavy chest, although she kept from informing him of her father's message. That message belonged to her and her only. "Yet, I couldn't fall asleep. There was too much on my head, and I couldn't turn my mind off, no matter how much I tried. No matter that there wasn't anything more I wanted to do than — sleep. Just sleep."
For the first time, Luke dared to look at his sister again. His anger had been replaced with something else — pain? Worry? Guilt? Leia couldn't quite tell.
"Is that why you disappeared today?" he asked, "Because you — you were tired? It's not like you to forfeit on your duties, Leia, and for a moment — I was really worried for your wellbeing."
His eyes were ahead of himself again.
"I still was, until I saw you coming in here," he admitted. "I knew you were still — alive, I could feel as much, but—I couldn't feel anything else."
"I'm sorry for worrying you," Leia apologized earnestly. "I never wanted to worry any of you. I was just so tired, Luke—"
"—That you thought of giving up?"
Leia made a face. "No, I wouldn't say I was thinking of it. I felt like it, I felt like giving up, but I never thought about it. Ah — I don't suppose this makes much sense."
"No, it does," Luke sadly concurred. "After I learned that Vader was my father, I often felt like that, too."
Leia smiled sadly at that. At the end of the day, they were still no more than two children traumatized by what their father had done to them.
"I couldn't stop thinking about our first fight when Padmé came back to us," Leia commented, and Luke made a face at her choice of words; whenever Leia spoke of Padmé's return, it was always when Padmé came into the picture, or when Padmé appeared, but never — when Padmé came back to them. He wondered what had suddenly changed, and he couldn't help but want to smile at it, too. "I know that, back then, lots of things were said in the spur of the moment, things that we didn't truly mean, but… they still had their share of accuracy."
Luke scowled, trying to remember the day. Truth be told, they had engaged in a lot of fights, most of them turning out to mean nothing, and he couldn't pinpoint exactly which one she was referring to.
"You told me, very clearly, that if I ever ended up alone, it was because I wanted to," she reminisced. "Then, yesterday, you said that I drive away anybody who could possibly care for me."
Luke swallowed roughly. "Leia—"
Leia held her palm up. "You were right, on both accounts. I've been so absorbed in my own grief that I pushed away every good thing that came to me, and I pushed away everybody who tried to help me. I hurt you, and Padmé, at every opportunity I could, and that wasn't right of me. That was selfish, and entitled, and you both deserved better. You deserve better."
For reasons he couldn't explain, he didn't quite enjoy hearing her explanations. "Leia, it's okay—"
"No, it's not," Leia said firmly. "You can't enable this sort of behavior coming from me, or from anybody else, without ending up normalizing it. Luke, you're the gentlest soul I know, you're the most caring and the most loving person I've ever had the honor of meeting, and you shouldn't allow people to take advantage of your best traits. You can't tell me it's okay right after I've hurt you, otherwise I'll continue to hurt you because I know you'll still grant me absolution by the end of the day."
"I know you'd never hurt me willingly, Leia."
As to prove a point, Leia picked him up by the arm, right where he had gotten a nasty cut the night before when she brutally pushed him away.
"Ouch—okay, I'm listening."
"Thank you," she said, letting go of his arm. She breathed out, "I've hurt you more times than I can remember. That was always cruel of me, that was always — evil."
She breathed in like oxygen was broken.
"Looking back on my deeds, I've come to realize something," she spoke sadly. "Luke… I never thought I could hate you, but I do. I hate you, because… You inherited all the good in her, whereas I only got the bad — in him."
Luke clasped his hands together, feeling so small and vulnerable under her confession.
"Hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on somebody that you don't like."
"I guess," Leia anxiously nodded. "But that's the thing, isn't it? It would all be incredibly easy if I didn't like you. If I didn't — love you."
He felt his eyes watering.
"I love you too," he said, still not daring to look at her. "But if I may — I think you got a lot from Padmé's goodness, too. I think we're both an amalgamation of the two of them. And I think that's what makes us so — unique."
Leia smiled again; her brother, so clumsy with words, yet saying the most beautiful things.
"I like that."
Awkwardly, Luke gave her knee a gentle squeeze.
Their brief interlude lasted too little; they still had too much to work through before they could be alrightagain.
"I didn't come here to try and excuse my actions," Leia started again, leaning on her thighs once he pulled his hand back to himself. "Still, I would like you to understand—"
"I understand," Luke was quick to assure, "You don't have to explain yourself, Leia. I understand, I truly do."
"No, I don't think you do," Leia said softly. "Luke, you've got back the two parents you've never known. I've lost the two parents I've ever known. And it hurts, Luke, to see Padmé every day when I'll never get to see my parents again. My parents, who were my whole world, who were stolen from me when they still had so much to live."
Luke reluctantly nodded. She was right — he couldn't relate to that.
Padmé was the mother he had dreamed of every night when he was a child; she brought back the warmth that he had always longed for, and he dreaded to lose her again.
"Padmé isn't at fault for that, even though I've blamed her for it more times than I can count. Than I can redeem myself for," Leia continued, eyes gazing down at the floor. "Yet, for reasons I cannot fathom, Padmé absolved me of my every misdeed. I guess… For the same reasons that you chose to redeem Vader. Because you were both desperate for a love that was unrighteously stolen from you."
Luke nodded again. "You're not Vader, Leia."
"No," she concurred. "I still hurt you and Padmé, for the sole reason that I was hurting and I needed to lash out, so I made you an outlet for my own sorrows. From what I've come to understand about Vader… He chose to bring immeasurable pain to the galaxy all because he was hurting from all his losses. Essentially, that's what I've done to you."
Luke crossed his arms; he didn't appreciate the comparisons, not when Leia's deeds were so small in comparison to the things their father had done.
"Well," he spoke in a grave voice. "I forgive you."
"I haven't apologized yet."
"I'd forgive you even if you didn't."
It was Leia's turn to place her hand on his upper arm. "That's not how it works, Luke."
He sighed.
"Although I've come to — understand Vader's pain," Leia prompted, "I still can't forgive him, and I hope you can respect that. I know it comes as a little hypocritical of me, to be here praying for my brother's forgiveness when I won't ever, ever redeem Vader, but—"
"You've never hurt us like Vader hurt you," Luke spoke on her behalf, and Leia shyly nodded. "You don't have to explain yourself, Leia, not for that, anyway. For what's worth, I will never forgive him for the things he did to you and Padmé, either."
Wrapping her arms around her torso, Leia made herself small.
"What about the things he did to you?"
Luke shrugged as if they didn't matter at all — even though Leia knew they hurt Luke more than he was willing to admit.
Respecting his personal space, she let it go.
"Yesterday, I wasn't in a good place," she confessed, then scoffed at herself for pointing it aloud when Luke already knew. "I will always carry the burden of what happened to Alderaan, but hearing the Empire saying those things, accusing me of being complicit in such big destruction when all my life I've been fighting to make the galaxy good again — it was like a blow to my chest, and I couldn't breathe. Yesterday, I was trapped back inside the Death Star, with no hopes of ever escaping it. Even though I knew I was safe, I didn't feel like it, and every second into the future was another terrifying second wondering how they would choose to hurt me next."
Leia cleared her throat from the lump there starting to form; she could do it, that was her brother, the one person she didn't have to be afraid of being vulnerable with.
"So… When you sneaked up behind me… and you placed your hand on my shoulder…"
Luke brought his hand to his mouth in a quick display of shame and despair. The memories of his visions from the last time he had meditated came back to him and he felt like the worst person ever, both for doing it and for lashing out when he clearly had been in the wrong.
"I thought you were Vader."
"You thought I was Vader…!"
They spoke at the same time, and Leia frowned as she didn't know how he had jumped to that conclusion. Still, from the new wave of emotions in his voice, she could tell that the assertion had deeply hurt him.
"It's not — that I think you're anything like Vader," Leia tried to repair her statement. "When I was aboard the Death Star, they… they made me watch. Watch as they destroyed my home, I mean. And Vader — Vader secured me by my shoulder, to make sure I wouldn't look away, and his grip was so tight that it bruised me for weeks. You're not Vader, Luke, but you—you can't touch me when I'm not expecting it, much less when I'm having a bad day. I can't control my triggers or my reaction to them."
Luke turned to look at her, his eyes shining.
"I'm sorry, Leia—"
"You didn't know," unlike him, she couldn't bring herself to face him.
"No, but I—" he choked on his words, "I knew. I knew, yet I did it anyway."
"What are you talking about," Leia mumbled, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable at his insinuations. "I never told anybody that."
"The Force showed it to me," Luke said, "A few days ago."
"Oh," Leia was surprised; she didn't know how she felt about the Force showing other people her private turmoils. "Why?"
"I would say — the Force wanted to prevent me from making any mistakes," Luke suggested, a little embarrassedly. "Unfortunately, I did not know how to interpret it back then."
Reluctantly, Leia nodded.
"Did it show you anything else?" Leia asked coldly, her back rigid. "Regarding me, I mean."
Looking at her side profile, Luke noticed the tension on her jawline and wondered whether she was referring to the door that the Force had shown him, but out of respect for his sister, he hadn't opened it.
"It showed me the depth of your guilt for Alderaan," he said instead, a blow of air escaping Leia's lips in relief. "I know that it can't be easy for you, especially when the Empire tries to use your liability to diminish everything that you've achieved — even though you're not at fault."
Leia shivered. She wasn't there to talk about that.
No; she needed to save all her strength regarding Alderaan for the press conference she was still required to attend.
Likewise respecting her discomfort in talking about that, Luke let it go.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Leia."
"You didn't hurt me—"
"I did," he interfered. "I might have not done it physically, but I hurt you nonetheless. Even worse, I scared you, then I threw a tantrum over it, calling you selfish and all sorts of things when you were just doing your best to stand."
"You didn't know, Luke," Leia said. Even if some sort of Force had tried to warn him, she believed she could only rely on the tangible: having told him of her triggers herself. She wouldn't fault him for that. "Besides, I did hurt you. Physically, I mean. I pushed you so violently that you stumbled back and cut yourself. You had every right to be mad about it."
He looked at the small wound on his arm; it now felt so small and insignificant in comparison to everything they were talking about.
"Something has been bothering me, actually, about that," Luke said, eyes still glued to his arm. "Just before I left you — I told you, very plainly, that I didn't care."
Leia drew in a sharp breath.
"That isn't true. That will never be true," Luke whispered. "I have never cared for anything or anyone more than I care for you, Leia. Nothing will ever change that. I regretted the words the moment I stepped out of your room."
"It's okay. We both said and did things we didn't mean," Leia assured. "Luke, I am so sorry that I pushed you. I'm so sorry for all the hurt I've brought you as of the past months. You're my twin brother, you're my better half. You've always been kind and patient with me and I lashed out at you at every chance I got, and yet you never gave up on me. Back on the Death Star — you found your way back to me on the worst day of my life, and it was like the Force was trying to give me something good to rely on to make up for all the pain from losing Alderaan that I was enduring. Ever since then, you've been this giant force in my life, you've given me strength. You came into my life when I needed you the most, and I'm sorry for all the times I've been emotionally unavailable when you needed me, as well as I am sorry for every time I willingly or unwillingly hurt you."
The apology came, so Luke could finally say with his whole chest, "I forgive you, Leia."
He said it so easily as if it had never mattered at all, and Leia wanted to laugh.
"I guess I couldn't really sleep last night, either," Luke confessed. "I hate being on bad terms with you. And I hate not knowing how you're feeling."
He referred to their lost Force connection; Leia shivered.
"I know you've always been shut off to me, that you've always valued the privacy of your emotions to keep your walls up, but… I hate not being able to tell if you're alright anymore," he said with a heavy heart. "So much has happened as of late, and you've been much more concealed than usual, and I don't know what to do. I know I'm supposed to give you space, to respect your boundaries, but… it's hard, especially when I'm so used to know how you are at all moments."
He frowned at his own words.
"I don't mean to be creepy, though."
Leia snorted; that was the brother she had fallen in love with.
"There's been a reason, actually, as to why I've been so drawn off as of the last few weeks," Leia admitted with a low voice, fidgeting with the fabric of her dress over her thighs. "I've always tried to run away from my problems, from my traumas, to ignore them in the hopes that they will magically go away. Pretending they didn't exist, for a while, for a long time, even though it was doing my mental health more damage good, was my coping mechanism. Until Padmé started to unravel me layer by layer — and I don't mean that in a bad way, not at all — and I started to… come face to face with everything that has happened in the course of the past few years. Admitting my traumas aloud gave me the chance to think about them, more than I would like to, and… Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's been good, but I've got to think of them and remember things — that were not okay."
Luke's heart thundered fast inside of him; he wished his sister would look at him again, although he understood how hard it must have been for her.
"I'm going to tell you something that — only Han and Padmé know about it so far, and even so it took me a long time to tell them," Leia carried on, forcing the words out. She did not enjoy talking about it at all, although she knew she had to. If she and her brother were ever to have a completely healthy relationship again, she needed to trust him enough to be open with him.
Luke gently placed his hand on her back; if he couldn't offer her some of his strength through their mental connection, then he would do his best to give her some physical comfort. Because — he knew what she was referring to. The door that the Force had shown him and he chose to walk away to preserve his relationship with his sister. Even if he didn't know the details, he knew how much those events had scarred her.
"It's okay, Leia. You don't have to tell me," he said, feeling her shiver under his touch. "You're not under any obligation to tell me about your turmoils. So long as you're alright, that's all that matters."
"No, Luke," she interrupted, slightly leaning forward to escape his hand on her back; luckily, he seemed to understand her aversion to his unwelcomed touch and drew back. "I need to tell you, because… You're part of it, too. And as I tell you, I need you not to cry. You can cry afterward, once you're alone, once I'm out of your sight, but… You can't cry to me, Luke, because I can't be the strong one when I'm in a place of vulnerability. You can't cry because this is about me, and how I feel—how I felt. Do you understand?"
Pushing all his fears and anxieties deep inside of him, Luke searched for her eyes and did not speak until she found in herself to look at him again.
"You can trust me," he promised, "I've got you."
He smiled, even if he was hesitant to do so.
She found solace in his gentle eyes and easy expression, choosing to focus on them as she started to speak.
"What I'm about to tell you — is one of the things that hurts me the most. It hurts differently than Alderaan because this was a crime committed against me, against my body, not against my people and my loved ones, like Alderaan was," she started, stumbling on her words and not caring if she didn't make that much sense. "This concerns what happened on Tatooine, what happened after Han's rescue went wrong and we were held prisoners. What happened until morning came and you arrived to rescue us."
Luke nodded uncomfortably; the memories of that day never got easier, despite how much time had passed ever since then.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, "To make it easier for you."
"You can listen," she demanded, a little too harshly. Her eyes would occasionally drop back to her lap and she had to force them on her brother again. "Luke — I was sexually assaulted at Jabba's palace."
Leia had been right; the tears came to his eyes the moment he heard her words. He had always assumed that she had received the worst treatment when chained to that disgusting slug, but never that. His hand made its way to his mouth as he forced any choking sounds back inside his throat, as well as forbid his tears from falling.
Because Leia was right — this wasn't about him.
Leia watched his reaction closely. Telling him had worried her the most, regardless of how difficult it had been to say those words aloud every time. Padmé was a woman, she understood the depth of undergoing sexual trauma despite never having experienced it herself. Han had worked for Jabba, he had seen the horrors of the galaxy beforehand, and somehow he had known — or at least inferred — what had happened long before she had brought herself to tell him. But Luke — she was scared for his reaction.
Especially when the way he had acted during his rescue of theirs had bothered her the most.
"I can't believe it, Leia" Luke mumbled, indignant; he couldn't believe such a terrible thing would happen to his sister. There was a strange ache coming from his chest, one that he had never experienced before — and he thought he had already experienced everything in his short-lived life.
Making a face, Leia pulled slightly away from him. Was she truly fucked up in the head or had her brother just admitted that he didn't believe her?
Widening his eyes at her sudden reaction, Luke struggled to understand what he had done wrong. He hadn't cried, although he very much wanted to. Had she interpreted him in the wrong way?
"Leia—fuck, that's not what I meant," Luke cussed. "Of course I believe you. I will always believe you, and I'm sorry I made you think otherwise. I would never discredit your words, I promise. I just — I can't believe that happened to you, Leia…! You're my sister — nothing bad should ever happen to you."
Her cheeks blushed and she made herself smaller, embarrassed. Hating her brain for making such a quick assumption when that was her brother. What was wrong with her?
"I'm sorry," she apologized in a quiet voice. "I don't know why I reacted like that."
"Don't apologize," Luke demanded gently. Doing his best to keep his anger hidden inside of her, as he feared she would misinterpret his reaction and think he was angry at her when in reality — his anger resided with all the people that hurt her, and if they weren't already all dead, he wouldn't put it past him to go back to Tatooine and kill them all. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Doing her best to let it go, Leia pulled one of her legs under her.
"There's something else, actually, that I need to talk to you about," she said hoarsely. "But it's not going to be easy to hear."
Although frowning, Luke nodded. Honestly, he doubted he would ever hear anything as bad as her previous confession.
"This concerns your initial attempt at rescuing us from Jabba's palace." she continued, looking down. Talking about this while making eye contact with him would be impossible. "And the way you… acted towards me. The way I felt there."
Luke tilted his head, unsure of where she was going with that.
"There's no easy way to put this, so I'll just be blunt," she warned him. "Luke — when you came to rescue us, I was chained to Jabba, posing as his sex slave, and you didn't even look at me…!"
"Of course I saw you there, Leia," Luke said, a little taken aback. "How could I not—"
"Exactly! How could you have not looked at me?" Leia threw his words back at him, her eyes filled with tears. "Your own sister, your best friend, stripped almost naked in front of thousands of perverted eyes who wanted nothing more than to finally have their chance with me. Stripped away from my dignity! How could you have not looked at me, Luke?"
Luke swallowed uncomfortably; he didn't know how to answer that without making it about him.
Leia pressed her lips on a thin line upon his silence.
"The way you treated me back then — hurt, almost as much as what they did to me," she spoke gravely, struggling to keep her emotions together when she couldn't afford to ruin her makeup. "No, I think it hurt just as much. I had just undergone one of the worst nights of my life and, when you arrived, I thought to myself — finally, finally a friendly face that's going to make all of this a little less difficult. Instead, I was only met with your complete disregard for me. You didn't look at me, you didn't even address me. It was always Han and his friends, but never me, your sister being displayed as some sort of possession, some sort of prize right in front of you. When I look back on that day, more often than not that's what gets me the most."
It suddenly became very hard to breathe; that was not how he'd intended to be perceived back then, not at all. However, he didn't know how to address it without making it worse.
"So, that's that," she continued, extremely bothered by his silence. By then, her voice had become small, barely proof of all the life she carried inside. "I've been struggling with that for a long time now, but I've always kept it to myself because I didn't want to hurt you. But Luke — back then, you hurt me, and if we're ever going to have a healthy relationship, then we need to be honest with each other. Today, that's the terrible truth I have to offer you, and I hate that this is going to hurt your feelings, but I can't apologize for that."
Anxiously, Luke tapped his foot against the floor, rubbing both his hands across his thighs.
"I… I don't know what you want me to say, Leia."
"Anything!" she exclaimed, a little louder than she had intended. "Anything, really. Your silence is troublesome. Your silence makes you complicit in the oppressing system that allowed me to be there in the first place."
"Okay," he clasped his hands together, trying to think of the gentlest words. "I would like to start by saying that I knew something bad had happened the moment you went radio silent after infiltrating Jabba's palace. Back then, I still didn't know you were my sister, but we already shared our Force bond, even if neither of us was truly aware of it. I… I felt your pain, I felt your suffering, even though I didn't know the reason behind it. Had Han died or had something worse happened, I didn't know. So, when morning finally came and I reached Jabba's palace and I found you like that… Leia, my heart broke seeing you like that. The way they had made you dress, and that undeniable sadness in your eyes… It was unbearable to witness. And I know how selfish that sounds, after all, I wasn't the one going through the things they made you do, but… I couldn't look at you, otherwise, I would break down. And I needed to remain strong, to be on the top of my game. I needed to get you out of there, Leia, I needed to get you into safety again, and that was the only way I knew how to do it. I didn't look at you not because I didn't care for you, or had little regard for you. On the contrary. Leia, I care for you more than I care for myself, and I know how reserved you are as a person, and out of respect for you, I didn't look at you — because I was afraid of how uncomfortable it would make you when you were forced to dress like that. Back then, we found ourselves in an impossible situation, and that was the best way I found to get through it. But I sincerely apologize that I made you feel like that, that I didn't care for you. I'm sorry that I hurt you, Leia, and that you had to carry this burden with you all this time. I'm sorry that the memory of my mistreatment of yours has been hurting you ever since."
Leia's lower lip started to tremble as she listened to him, her heart beating fast on her throat. How could she have interpreted it so wrong? How could she ever think that her brother would ever treat her as anything other than the most precious thing in his world? What was wrong with her?
"Leia, you're not at fault for feeling that way," Luke added, feeling a sudden increase of her guilt through the Force. "You have this awful characteristic of thinking you're responsible for everything, and that's far from the truth. You're not to blame, Leia — not for Alderaan nor for this."
Sniffing discreetly, Leia forced herself to nod.
He sighed, looking at her when she refused to offer him her eyes.
"Since we're talking about this, can I just say how much it pained me to have seen you so silent back then," he reminisced sadly. "All throughout the rescue, and the attack, you didn't utter a single word, and that bothered me the most because you're never one to be quiet, regarding anything. You're always adamant to make your voice heard, and it was like they had stolen your voice from you. And here you are, silent again, because you think it was your fault when it wasn't. Please don't be silent, Leia. Don't be silent ever again."
Leia weakly smiled at that; she appreciated his words more than anything.
"I won't. I promise."
"Thank you," he said, a goofy grin taking shape on his lips. He extended his hand towards her, hoping she would be comfortable enough to accept it.
She stared at it hesitantly, then intertwined her fingers on his and let out a loud exhale.
"No, thank you," she said, at last looking at him again. "I confess to being terrified of telling you, and how you'd react and… I'm glad I was wrong."
He gave her hand a tight squeeze. "I'm sorry if I ever made you think you couldn't come to me."
She nervously nodded. "It's just — Padmé is a woman, you know? She understands. And Han, well, he was just so kind and sweet and I knew I could trust him unconditionally the moment he stopped me from trying to have sex with him because he knew that I was unconsciously doing it for the wrong reasons. But you… You love so deeply, Luke, your love for those close to you is your greatest strength and I knew you wouldn't take this easily, that it would hurt you and it would make you angry. But even if it did, you still put me first, and I thank you for that."
"You don't have to thank me for being a decent human being, Leia."
"I know," she sighed. "Still. You never made it about yourself. About how angry you were that this would happen, or how hurt you are that this happened. From my side of things, that makes all the difference."
"I'm sorry that happened to you, I truly am," he said. "You didn't deserve to go through that."
"No woman does," she smiled sadly. "I'm relieved I told you, Luke. It's like — one less weight off my chest. I don't want the galaxy as a whole to know about this, they aren't entitled to know of my every burden, but… I've come to understand the importance of telling my close family about it. To have people to rely on when I need, and to have people that still love me all the same, and don't look at me differently because of what happened. You, Han, and Padmé are this family to me. You're more important to me than I've ever demonstrated."
"Thank you for trusting me, Leia," he declared. "I know it mustn't have been easy to deal with this on your own, so I hope you'll come to me if you ever need me. If you need to talk or if you just don't want to be alone with your thoughts — I promise I'll be here."
"I know."
Out of her element, Leia leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. Feeling warm and home when he embraced her and she was reminded of how much she relied on her connection with her twin brother, and how a part of her had been missing ever since she broke their Force bond.
Remembering all that she had lost, she closed her eyes and held him tighter.
"Luke," she whispered his name. "I think I am ready."
"Ready for what?" he questioned, still holding her close.
"To restore our bond."
He was surprised, and when she pulled back, he saw all the determination written in her eyes.
"Are you sure, Leia?" he asked nonetheless. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable. And if you're not ready, it's okay. We can wait, it doesn't matter."
"It matters to me," she said harshly. "Luke — it's been too long."
"It has."
"I can do it. I'm certain that I can."
"Okay."
"Okay," she repeated, showing more nervousness than she had anticipated. "How do we do this, then?"
He turned completely on the couch so he was half sitting on his legs and facing her.
"Alright. I want you to close your eyes and focus on the veil of Force. The Force is your ally and it has accompanied you throughout your entire life; now, you just have to listen to it and find it."
Bringing her hands to her leg, she straightened her back and did as she was told.
"Good. Now, open your mind. Allow yourself to connect to every part of this giant world that binds us together. Allow yourself to become one with the shroud of the Force. Feel everything, from the tiniest creature to the most powerful one. And when you feel me, let me in."
So, Luke closed his eyes too. When he touched the Force, he found her presence stronger than ever, and he reached out to her. His ethereal energy found its way to her; it felt like coming home.
Leia sensed the presence of her brother; she knew it to be him, so familiar to his print she had once been that she could easily find him. She felt him reaching out, and she opened herself to him. She lowered the walls around her mind and he came to meet her.
He entered her mind, looking for her, and Leia's heart started beating faster. The all too familiar sensation of having someone probing through her mind, through her most private memories, made her panic; she couldn't do it.
"Stop. Luke, stop."
Luke immediately pulled away upon hearing her words. When he opened his eyes, he found her with her head buried in her hands. He leaned forward to touch her before realizing that wouldn't be a good idea.
"Leia, it's okay—"
"No, it's not," she cried, desperately. "I want you back, I need you back with me, Luke. Vader isn't supposed to ruin this for me, too."
"It's okay," he repeated, "You're just not ready yet."
"I am ready!" she shouted, lowering her hands. Her eyes were red. "Luke, I am ready to reestablish our Force bond."
"But you're not ready for me to enter your mind," he laid it out for her. "Vader did too much damage to your relationship with the Force when he entered your mind without your consent, you still carry too much trauma regarding that. I can't restore our bond when you're still afraid of the Force, I refuse to. It will only bring you further harm."
Looking down, Leia breathed heavily. "I need this, Luke. I need this normalcy again. I need something good to come out from the Force again."
He sighed, thinking of what else he could do.
"Well…" Luke tilted his head, an idea suddenly coming to him. "Why don't you try to reach out to me instead?"
Leia frowned. "I don't know how to do that."
"Yes, you do," he said, "You've already done it so many times, whenever you looked out for me when we were still connected. It's the same thing, you'll only have to find me first."
Leia swallowed roughly. "You think I can do this?"
"I'm certain," Luke assured. "You're very strong in the Force."
She sighed and closed her eyes again.
Leaning on the cloak of the Force again, she didn't have too much trouble looking for him. There he was, calling for her, and she reached out to touch him. She sensed his familiar warmth, and she heard his invitation. Drawing her in, calling her home.
She touched him, and just like that, they became one.
When she opened her eyes, she smiled. So did he.
"It worked."
Proudly, Luke nodded.
"I can feel you with me again," she beamed happily, too happily.
She was complete again, and it felt good.
"I don't ever want to lose you again," she communicated with him through their newly established bond. Testing boundaries, but also speaking with him about things that belonged to them only, and nobody else was allowed to hear it.
"You never lost me, to begin with," he replied, offering her a reassuring smile. "Sometimes, we have to get a little lost to find each other. Sometimes, we have to take a step back to truly find ourselves."
Leia smiled; Jedi wisdom suited her brother all too well.
"I want to give you something," Leia abruptly said, immediately after pulling a pendant from under the fabric of her dress and unclasping it from her neck. She placed the japor snippet on his hands.
"Padmé's necklace," he exclaimed, surprised.
"Anakin made it for her when they were just children," Leia said, watching him as he fascinatedly twiddled with it. "She gave it to me a while ago, to help me better understand where I came from, and how my roots don't dictate my identity."
Listening to her, he couldn't remove his eyes from it. "And it worked?"
"Yes," she admitted. "It helped me more than I thought it would. Now, I want you to have it."
Hesitantly, he flickered his eyes between her and the pendant. "Are you sure? I can feel how much this has aided you."
"I'm certain," Leia assured, reaching out to him and closing his hand around the japor snippet. "I hope this will bring you the same comfort as it did me when I needed it. I hope this will help you make sense of your existence, and how our blood ties don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. We choose our own journey, not our ancestry. And when you feel like you've gathered everything you could from it, you can give it back to Padmé."
Assenting, Luke brought the pendant close to his chest.
"Thank you, Leia. I will cherish this and look after it with my life."
Chuckling slightly at his overreaction, Leia bowed with her head.
"Well, I think I should go," she said. "I still have a press conference to go through."
"Wait, before you go," he urgently placed his hand on her upper arm to impede her from leaving. "I'd like to ask you something… If it wouldn't make you uncomfortable to answer…"
Although she frowned, she permitted him to proceed with it.
"When you walked in… I couldn't help but notice the, ern..." he gesticulated around the back of his own head. "Your scars."
"Oh," her hand unconsciously made its way to the back of her neck, concealing the red lines forever perpetuated on her skin. Still, she waited for him to enunciate what was troubling him.
"I couldn't help but wondering… Worrying, really," he struggled with his words. "Did you do that to yourself?"
Leia's eyes widened.
"That would be a terrible place to hurt myself."
Unlike her, he didn't find her remark amusing.
"No, Luke…" she sighed, bringing her hand back to her. "I'm afraid that's just debris from the Death Star."
Luke chewed on his inner cheeks, thinking — had Vader done that to her?
The answer came to him far too easily.
"It's just — I've never seen them before."
"I never wanted them to be seen," she explained. "I always hid them away with my hair and with my clothes."
He nodded. "Are you ashamed of them?"
"No, not ashamed," she quietly replied. "I'm not proud of them either."
"I understand," he said, "I feel the same with my mechanical hand. I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me anymore, but… It does. Not because I lost it, but because of the way I lost it, that it was just another attempt of my father's at hurting me. And he succeeded. My hand is a reminder of the monster that my father once was, and I'll always carry proof of his evilness in the palm of my hand."
Sadly, Leia agreed.
"Someone wise once told me that our scars don't dictate where we're going, only where we've been," she reminisced a conversation she had had with Ameera such a long time ago. "I'd like to believe that's true. I'd like to believe we are more than the hand that our father took from you, or the marks that our father left on my skin."
"Is that why you're showing your scars today?"
"In a way," she nodded. "I want the galaxy to know where I've been, and that I wasn't there out of my own volition. If they still choose to turn a blind eye and accuse me of being complicit in what happened to Alderaan, then they're no better than the ones that tortured me and destroyed my home out of their sick pleasure."
He reached out for her with the Force, offering a comfort that no words or physical gestures could provide. Leia smiled gently at his effort.
"Do you want me to be there with you?" Luke asked, referring to her press conference.
"No, it's okay," she said. "Padmé's already coming with me, and… I've got you back with me, anyway."
Snorting, he agreed, and stood up after she did.
She was ready to leave, but she refused to before giving him another hug of gratitude. This time, their height difference was borderline comical.
"Luke?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you for not crying."
He huffed again, lowering down to kiss her forehead.
When he watched her walk away, he clasped his hands behind his back and thought at her.
"May the Force be with you, Leia."
Holding tight to the words echoing on her mind, Leia smiled and left the room with her head high.
A/N: whelp, this was a rollercoaster of emotions.
let me know what you think!
