Meredith sat quietly in the corner, rocking Elliana as she quietly breastfed against her chest. She was getting almost too big to fit in her lap comfortably. This was the only time she ever sat still. They were now eight months old, and crawling everywhere. She felt her heart break as she knew what was happening just in the next room over.
They had been in New York for two days now, waiting on the inevitable. When Derek got the call from Lizzie, he booked the next flight. Amelia arrived yesterday with Mark and Lexie. It was too soon, but they knew it was coming when they found the tumor after her third fall just after Christmas and she busted her head open. Carolyn was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma that had metastasized to every part of her body by the time they found it. It was too late for them to do anything and she decided against living the last few years of her life fighting. So Derek took every opportunity to fly out here, he was gone for a few days out of the month the last three months which Meredith didn't mind, she knew he would resent her to some degree if she fought it.
Meredith got up, putting a now sleeping baby into the pack n play they had set up in the Shepherd house. The kids were all at Lizzie's house next door where they were being watched by her oldest kids. Meredith slowly made her way into the living room where hospice had replaced her bed with a hospital bed. She didn't want to die in a hospital, she wanted to be surrounded by family. It was going to happen real soon, she had been in and out of it, she hadn't spoken since the day they arrived and hadn't ate in four days. All the Shepherd children and their spouses were scattered around the house. Each taking turns spending time with their mother. She couldn't make out what Derek was saying to her but by the tears streaming down his face, she knew he was saying goodbye. The house was so quiet, Meredith had never witnessed the house quiet. There were always children's laughters and chit-chat from the siblings.
She slowly approached him, putting her hand on his shoulder as she just tried to comfort him. She had never seen him in such a state, he was distraught and absolutely miserable. Anyone could see how tired he was, he obviously hadn't slept much. He said he didn't want to miss seeing her and wanted to spend every second he could with her.
"I'm going to miss you, ma. You can go whenever you're ready. We are all here. I know dad can't wait to see you," he held her hand tightly as he began to sob. He couldn't hold it in any longer as he broke. Meredith just held him as he cried. She had began to cry herself, the few times she got to spend with Carolyn she was always so warm and welcoming. She had such a love for everyone, she was the light in a dark room.
"Derek," she whispered to him as she wiped his tears but they still fell.
"There aren't words," she mumbled to him as she held him the same way he held her time and time again.
"Kathleen should be done cooking by now," she said to him, hoping he would eat. Amelia came in just as he was starting to say something.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom," he wiped his face with a Kleenex as best he could before he walked out. Amelia was taking it hard as the rest of them, her eyes puffy from crying so much.
"How you feeling?" Meredith asked her.
"I'm fine. Devastated, heartbroken, but fine," she pursed her lips.
"I'll let you have your moment," Meredith said with a genuine look on her face, touching her arm and giving her a reassuring squeeze.
"Stay, please. I don't want to be alone," she had a few tears fall from her cheeks. Owen wasn't able to leave since all of them had taken off at once. It was hard for him to be there but they all knew why he couldn't.
"Ok," Meredith nodded. She went and sat on the couch as Amelia approached her mother. She didn't look like Carolyn, she was pale and her hands had turned cold and blue. Her face was sunk in and she had lost so much weight.
"Mom, I'm sorry for everything. For all the things I've done to you while I was strung out and the things I've said to you. I never meant it, you are my mom. And you don't even get to see me become a mom. I hope I can be half the mom you are, she will be loved and I wish you could stick around to meet her," Amelia grabbed her mother's hand, rubbing up and down her arm. She had tears streaming down her cheeks, "I don't know if you are even still conscious or if you can hear us but we want to see you go be with dad. And please tell him I love him."
Meredith sat and watched, she didn't know what to do in a situation like this. She's never dealt with a death like this. Every single person she ever lost it was quick, it wasn't like this. Amelia slowly let go of her mother's hand as she went to sit next to Meredith. Meredith put her arm around her and held her as Amelia sobbed into her shoulder. This was so foreign to her, she doesn't remember what it was like to lose Charles. Those few days after we're a complete blur. They all ran together and she doesn't remember how she felt. But this was hitting her heart in such a way.
Derek walked back in and sat down next to Amelia. He grabbed her from Meredith and held her in a tight squeeze. The pair sobbed together as they sat in the silent room. Meredith felt like she was intruding so she slowly got up and went to find Lexie. Lexie was just as heartbroken as the rest of them, it brought back the memories of her mother dying which Meredith understood. She found Lexie on the front porch as she rocked Dalton in her arms in the rocking chair.
"Hey," Meredith smiled weakly at her sister.
"I'm about to take him next door, I just fed him," Lexie said to her.
"Yeah when the twins wake up I'll take them too," Meredith said. No one wanted the kids over to see Carolyn like that, she knew it would break all their hearts and some just wouldn't understand so it was best they stayed at Lizzie's house.
"This is breaking my heart," Lexie said to her.
"Me too, I mean I know I didn't know her like you all did but it still sucks. She was such an amazing woman and she was so open to everything," Meredith shook her head.
"I was the first girl Mark ever let meet her, I remember she told me I was special for that reason and she could see why. I didn't really understand what she meant at first, but now I know. How are you doing?" Lexie asked.
"I mean I'm heartbroken. This is so heartbreaking to watch," Meredith said.
"Do you know what day it is?" Lexie then asked.
"Thursday? Or is it Friday?" Meredith then responded.
"Oh Mer," Lexie stopped in her tracks and just looked at her.
"What?" She asked again.
"It's the thirteenth," Lexie said. Meredith felt an immediate sadness fall over her. Her heart wrenched a little tighter.
"Oh," she said again. She couldn't believe she had forgotten. With everything that was happening, it just slipped her mind. She had felt off all day, feeling like she had forgotten something but she couldn't quite find the time or the mental capacity to think that much over it. She brushed it up to Carolyn's worsening condition.
"Mer, it's ok. I mean I forgot too until I happened to open my phone and see the date. Do you need a minute?" Lexie asked.
"I- uh," she just stuttered her words before she could come up with a sentence.
"I'm going to go check on Derek again," she murmured before she turned and walked back to the house. Tears welling in her eyes, she felt guilty that she had forgotten. She should remember the day her husband died, it was such an important date. She couldn't hold back the few tears that slipped out of her eyes. She managed to get into the house unnoticed as she hurried up the stairs. She closed herself into the bathroom and stood at the mirror. She looked at herself, tears began to stream as she let out a silent cry. She couldn't break, she needed to be strong for Derek. She breathed deeply, wiping at the tears that continued to fall.
"I'm sorry Charlie," she mumbled in a whisper as she looked up. She felt the need to apologize to him, for forgetting one of the worst days of her life. She splashed a bit of water on her face, breathing slowly to get her tears to stop. There was a knock on the bathroom door which startled her.
"Just a second," she took another deep breath, flushing the toilet to make it seem like she had used the bathroom. She opened the door to find Amelia, her eyes puffy and swollen.
"Are you ok?" Amelia wiped her tears of her own.
"I will be. It's been two years today since Charlie died and I had forgotten," Meredith tried not to break into tears as she said the words.
"I'm sorry Mer, especially because I think it's time," she frowned and began to choke a bit on her tears trying to hold back. Meredith did the best she could, she grabbed her and wrapped her in her arms for a tight second.
"It's ok," Meredith hugged her tight and brushed her hand down her hair. She pulled away, taking her hand. It was like the world began to move in slow motion as she walked her down the stairs. They entered the room, each Shepherd stood around the bed as the hospice nurse stood close by. Meredith didn't say anything as she went and stood beside Derek. She leaned against him and he rested her head on hers, he had been crying with the rest of them. Meredith looked around and saw each Shepherd sibling being held by their husband. Mark held on to Lexie as she was crying just as hard, she hadn't really seen Mark this upset other than the time Lexie had her accident.
The room was filled with silence as they watched Carolyn's chest rise then fall, each time the breathing got slower as it was minutes between breaths. They knew the nurses had just given her the last bit of medicine she will ever have which just helped her slip away.
"She's gone," Lizzie muttered between the sobs. Meredith finally broke as she watched Derek's whole world crumble under him.
"She's with dad now," Derek wiped his tears but more fell as he patted her hand one last time. The nurse had called the funeral home to come pick her up as they stood in the silent sobs of the family. Meredith was shocked, legally none of them could call time of death because of the family but they knew she was gone as her eyes opened. She had seen it a few times in cadavers and some of her own patients, their eyes would open after the muscles relaxed which just made it harder to look at especially since rigor mortis had began to set.
"I am just-" Nancy began to spoke before she had tears down her cheeks. Derek let go of Meredith and walked over to his eldest sister. He pulled her into a hug as she returned the hug. Meredith looked at Amelia who had sat down, she held her small baby bump tightly as she was crying. Meredith slowly went over and sat next to her.
"I can't believe she's gone," Amelia mumbled under her breath. Meredith frowned and put her arms around Amelia.
"I know," Meredith whispered to her, she looked over and her heart was into a million pieces, she couldn't help but cry with them. It was awful, to witness all the happy, shiny Shepherd's who's worlds just fell apart. They lost the staple in their family, the one that held the glue. What hurt the most was watching Derek crumble into the mess he was. He had now watched both of his parents die, which was heartbreaking enough but to be here and watch the final days of Carolyn Shepherd. She wouldn't change anything about it unless she could take away all of Derek's pain. She wanted to help but there wasn't anything, anyone could do to take away the pain they were all feeling.
