A/N: I hope I pulled this all together properly, but I honestly don't know why any two sane parents would do this to their child.
He did not wish to wake his mother up in the middle of the night, but he knew he would know no rest until he had an answer. He went straight to her bedroom and burst through the door with rather more force than he intended. Frigga sat bolt upright and clutched the covers to herself, only relaxing when she recognized his outline against the light from the corridor.
"Loki? My son, what is the matter?" she asked.
"I know," he said.
"You… know?"
"I know your secret, Mother. I know the truth behind the lies you've told me. What I don't understand is why?"
"I see. How did you find out?" she said.
"I went to Jotunheim. I spoke to my brothers. They remember you fondly."
"They were good boys. They deserved better than to be raised by that monster. Did they know you?"
"No. They thought I probably died when Odin attacked Utgard. You, they felt, would have been rescued. They were glad of that much."
She nodded. She patted the mattress beside where she sat. "Well. Have a seat, and I'll tell you what you want to know."
He came into the room and sat down next to her on the bed. "Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?" he said.
"Two reasons that really boil down to one: Odin commanded that I don't."
"What are the other two? Why would he make such a command?"
"To protect my reputation… and to protect Thor."
"Protect Thor from what?"
"Think about it, my boy. He's more than two hundred years older than you."
Loki's eyes widened. "I just assumed him dim enough not to realize you were never pregnant with me, but it goes beyond that, doesn't it? You are… are not his mother."
Frigga shook her head.
"How does he not know?" Loki said. "How does he not know? If you were in Vanaheim before my birth, he never knew you. Mother, he was a schoolboy when I was born."
"To understand, you have to know the story of Thor's real mother. Her name was Gaea, she was a Midgardian spirit. The rigors of the throne and of mothering a prince proved to be too much for her, apparently, and she abandoned Odin and Thor when your brother was still quite young. From that day onward, Thor said never a word to anyone. He just… wandered the palace, like a lost child. You can understand, your father was quite worried about him. The healers said he would come out of it in time, but time kept passing, and Thor stayed lost in this place where no one could reach him."
"And then the war," Loki said.
Frigga nodded. "Odin found us both in Utgard. You were not with me – Laufey took you from me after your birth, and perhaps it is good for you that he did, because as I saw things you looked like a god baby when you were born. Then either the touch of the midwife triggered the change or perhaps you opened your eyes and saw her, but you changed. And I knew you had power. Laufey had the powerful god child he wanted for his heir."
"Then why did he abandon me?"
"I can only guess, but I assume he saw you as you appeared to be, a small-sized frost giant infant, and believed you were not what he wanted. If the midwife tried to tell him about your change of appearance I doubt he would have heard her. Laufey was not in the habit of listening to mere women."
"And then Odin came."
"Odin found me first. I was in… a bad way, from the birth, and he wanted me to return with some of his men to Asgard immediately to seek medical attention. But I refused to go. I knew you were still somewhere in the palace and I would not leave without you. I begged him to find you. He agreed to search."
"And he found me."
"Yes. You changed for him, and he knew you were a god. He brought you to me, and he saw the love I had for you, despite… the circumstances of your birth… and he thought that Thor needed that kind of mother in his life. So he asked me to marry him. He said that he would adopt you and raise you as his own. He seemed honest about it, so I accepted. Perhaps I was wrong."
"No. I understand now that, no matter whether Father put Thor before me or not, I could have had it much worse as far as fathers go," Loki said. "What happened with Thor?"
"You and I were kept in the Infirmary for a bit, but after a time we were released and the marriage occurred. I was introduced to Thor as his new mother. He didn't respond. I gave him a hug. After a moment, he hugged me back. And in a few months he was speaking, laughing, playing, acting as if his long silent time had never happened. He called me Mother, called you Brother, and seemed to have no clear memory that there had ever been a time where I at least had not been in his life."
"Did Odin do something to make him think so?"
Frigga shook her head. "No. Thor created the memories himself. Since then, Odin has been afraid that something would trigger a memory that would send Thor tumbling back into that lost place. That's why he lied to you when you found out about your truth. That's why he made me lie to you as well."
"So to prevent one son from finding out that his mother was not his mother, you had to make the other think that neither parent was his? That's stellar parenting right there," Loki said.
"I know. But by the time Odin woke from the Odinsleep and started doing damage control on you, the damage was already done. You knew Odin had adopted you, you convinced yourself that I was not your parent either – there was no way to tell you otherwise, because we did not know where you were. And when you came back to us, Odin thought perhaps that it would send you back into a downward spiral if you knew the truth. So he was trying to protect you as well."
"Really, Mother? Or did he simply think I was incorrigible and did not deserve the truth?"
Frigga reached out and stroked his arm. "No, he never thought that. But he did think that he did not want both his sons crashing down like that."
"Thor is stronger than that."
"Thor had just come back from exile for being an arrogant, boneheaded moron. Odin didn't want to risk him going back to that place, either."
"I still don't understand why you could not tell me."
Frigga stroked his arm again. "Because you wanted to hurt your brother. Odin did not wish to give you ammunition."
Loki sat looking down for a moment, then, "I suppose I can see that. I would certainly have wanted him to feel some of that pain for himself… at the start of all this."
"Will you tell him? Now that you know?" Frigga asked.
"He should know, Mother. He's living a lie. If he finds out for himself, it won't be good."
"It won't be good either way."
"True. But at least he can retain some respect for his parents if they tell him face to face. He's a grown god."
"Have I lost all your respect?"
Loki closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "Mother, I love you dearly, but… the lying hurts."
She hugged him. "I know, my boy. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I only agreed to lie about your true parentage to protect you."
"The people must have always known I was not Odin's son," Loki said.
"Odin let slip the rumor that you were the result of a misguided tryst between myself and King Odr. The people accepted it as the truth."
"Your sister's husband? And you let that rumor stand?"
"It was not good for my reputation, but Odin felt it was better that they think I was guilty of an indiscretion than that you were the product of a rape at the hands of King Laufey. If they knew you were half frost giant… who knows what they'd do."
"How is it I never heard these rumors of my true parentage?" Loki said.
"We kept you sheltered, as much as we could," Frigga said. "I knew it couldn't last, but… you became a grown god before I knew it had happened. I couldn't protect you any longer. It was inevitable that the truth come to light. The way it happened was the least likely way of all."
"I was in the army a thousand years ago," Loki said. "You had time to tell me."
"No parent is ever ready to admit that their child has grown, Loki. I'm sorry. You came back for that very reason, didn't you? Judah was growing too swiftly."
"Judah was mortal."
"It doesn't matter. All children grow up too swiftly for their parents' liking. I cannot make up for the wrong that was done you, my son. I tried to protect you, and I failed. I would ask your forgiveness, but I do not deserve it."
Moving hesitantly, Loki lay over so that his head rested on her knee. "For all the wrong I have done, to you and everyone else, I am sorry, Mother. I don't know why you do not hate me simply for what I represent."
"You're my son. Why would I hate you?"
"Because of what happened to you!"
"What happened to me was terrible, it is true, and I have had to deal with that for many years now. But you are not to blame for that."
"But I'm his son!"
"You're my son," she said firmly, and patted his head. "I say it again, it was good for me that your father never realized you were a god."
"Well of course. He might not have left you behind to be rescued if he thought you had given him the child he wanted."
She paused. "I suppose that may be true, but I actually never thought of that."
"Then what did you mean?"
"Loki, if he thought you were a god, he would have taken you away from me. Whether he kept me prisoner or not, I would never have seen you again. He couldn't have you raised by a captive mother, giving you dangerous ideas about how gods may be. He wanted a god child raised his way, by his mindset. As it is, allowing his other children to interact with me seems to have had some residual effect."
"Was the older one always blind?" Loki asked.
"Helblindi, yes. Yes, he was. His younger brother, Byleistr, led him everywhere. Helblindi took the brunt of Laufey's ire in those days. His disability rendered him… 'unacceptable.' I am glad to discover he survived, at least."
"He seems remarkably un-Laufey-like," Loki said. "They both do."
"Good. Perhaps Jotunheim will prosper again under their rule. And hopefully they'll be kind to their children."
"It's not every goddess who could do what you've done," Loki said. "I understand truly now why you are the goddess of motherhood."
"I do not think I would be able to blame any woman who could not bear to raise the offspring of rape," Frigga said. "But for me, there was no choice to make. I literally had none – Laufey gave me no choice but to go through with the pregnancy. And when I first saw you, I knew I loved you, no matter what."
"Would you say the same if I had been born a frost giant?" Loki said.
"I certainly hope so. I cannot lie and say it would be easy to raise a child I could not safely touch, but every child deserves love."
"Do you believe that a child can be born bad?"
"No, I do not," Frigga said, rather aggressively. "Nature is not carried in the genes. Mental illness, perhaps, but not actual evil. It is the way a child is raised that determines 'good' or 'bad.' And you are not bad, Loki. I know you think you must be."
"Mental illness. Mother, I am crazier than the proverbial shithouse rat," Loki said.
"You are not. You have emotional problems, but anyone would who'd been through what you've been through. And you never answered my question. Will you tell Thor what you know?"
"No. But Father should. You both should."
"I agree. But I cannot make your father agree."
"At least talk to him about it."
"I will. And you should talk to him, also."
"Me? Why?"
"Because you've been avoiding him ever since you came home. He's your father, Loki. He loves you, and he misses you. You said yourself that you realize you could have had things much worse. Don't you think it's time you at least spoke to him at the breakfast table?"
"I… yes, I suppose I probably should."
"Promise me."
"I promise, Mother."
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "That's my good boy. Now go to bed. It's late, you're injured, and I can tell you're exhausted. Get some rest. You need it."
He sat up. "Good night, Mother. I'm sorry I woke you."
"It's all right. I understand."
Loki left his mother's rooms and returned to his own, but though he tried to go to sleep, he lay wakeful the rest of the night.
