WARNING! THIS IS PART 2 OF A 2-PARTER! READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER FIRST, OTHERWISE, THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE!
SEQUEL (noun): A cheap cash-grab that is never as good as the original
PROLOGUE
OH, I TOTALLY WOULD, BUT THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER! OUT OF TIME!
{You… little… fucker…}
...THE END…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 35: What Conquers Love?
By: I Write Big
True love's kiss.
Thanks to Disney, society as a whole views this as a cure-all for every evil magical problem imaginable. But what happens when the evil magical problem is a little blue peacock-thing who is literally the metaphysical incarnation of Emotion… including Love?
In such a case, true love's kiss would be like throwing gasoline on a fire.
And kissing the actual incarnation of Emotion? Ha! Don't be ridiculous. No one would ever be that stupid.
"I can't believe how stupid I am," Hawkmoth muttered as he spied on the park.
("Sentimonster!") A grotesque swamp thing made of licorice came into existence next to the swing set! It growled incoherently among the dozens of other nonsensical creatures made of shaving cream, tires, week-old apple pies, the most random crap! Over them all, their summoner crafted more and more with a neverending barrage of feathers. ("Sentimonster! Sentimonster! Sentimonster! And pause.") Mayura took a moment to appreciate the flowers. ("Flower Sentimonster!")
"Uh, excuse me," Jade Turtle called from his Shell-ter atop Bubblegum Sentimonster. "You let me go now?"
("No can do, you're my snack for the road. Nothing hits the spot more than turtle soup on the road to world conquest.") Mayura chuckled darkly. ("Ooh! Road Sentimonster!")
Hawkmoth slowly backed away from the growing army. "Well… at least it can't get any worse."
Fate, now as blind as Mrs. Tsurugi, shivered in ecstasy at the temptation and began to salivate.
Near the Eiffel Tower:
A pillar of gold dust struck the ground. The particles solidified into Miracle Queen. Around her buzzed millions of glowing wasps, and in her arms was the Miraculous Box.
"Go forth, my minions, and sting me an army!" she cackled.
The swarm flew into Paris to spread their chaos!
At the Cesaire Apartment:
The entire Cesaire family and Nino were dining happily together.
"Haha! That's a good one, Nino," Mr. Cesaire laughed. "It's so nice that you and Alya haven't let your breaking up ruin your friendship."
"Totally, Mr. Cesaire-Dude, nothing is more important than friendship."
"Uh-huh, yeah, sure, look at all the girls I've banged since you left me!" Alya impatiently shoved her phone in Nino's face.
"That's great, Alya. I'm glad you've moved on," Nino said pleasantly.
"I'M TRYING TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU'RE MISSING! WHY WON'T YOU BE JEALOUS?!"
A cloud of wasps burst into the home and stung everyone! Instantly, their eyes turned to solid gold and they stood there, slack-jawed.
On a street corner:
The futuristic pod opened with a hydraulic hiss. Max and his mom gawked in awe at the spacesuit that waited within. "Claudie Kante," a computerized voice said. "You have passed the French Astronaut exam."
"I did it! YES!" the woman cheered. "Am I going to the ISS? The moon? Mars?"
"You will be the conductor of French NASA's monorail."
"I'll take it! Choo-choo, motherfuckers!"
The celebration was interrupted by the cloud of wasps. Max and his mom were stung too!
At the public pool:
"Into me?" Kim marveled at the statement Ondine had made. "But you're not in me. You're clearly outside of my body."
Ondine went weak in the knees and drooled over the boy. "Yeah… keep being dumb, Kim. It gets me hot."
"Hot? Then you should take a dip in the pool. It's quite refreshing."
Before this poor excuse of dating could continue, everyone in the pool was stung!
At the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:
Andre and Audrey came to the front door, hand in hand.
"What do you say, snookie-wookie? Give us another chance?"
Audrey haughtily sighed. "hhhWhy not, I can always trade husbands with Cousin Melania if I hhhwant to."
"That's my queen! We've learned nothing!" Andre squealed in delight and carried Audrey bridal-style into the hotel to continue the cycle of abuse.
Both were stung!
At the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere:
"Wait, you're not our daughter?" Tom asked The Pastry Maker who still wore the Ladybug costume under her casual clothes.
"Nope!" she chirped. "You couldn't tell? Wowie-wow-wow, I must be super good at being a baker!"
"Then who are you?" Sabine wondered, cautiously raising her candelabra.
"Ooh! A name! Wowie-wow-wow! I don't have one of those! How about..." The nameless girl peered through the window and spotted an ornate bridge. Walking across that bridge was an IT guy. The girl was struck with inspiration. "I know! Itbridge!"
Tom and Sabine stared. "You mean Bridgette?"
"That's even better!" The bubbly girl who looked exactly like Marinette but could never remove her Ladybug costume pointed dramatically to the sky. "I am Bridgette!"
This fan service was interrupted by a swarm of stinging wasps.
By the Agreste Mansion:
The front lawn was still in ruins and Marinette was still kissing Luka!
"AAAH! Not the bees! Please, Big Red X, no! Not the bees!" Nicholas Cage wailed as he ran past. But still they kissed, both oblivious to the world around them. Bliss and comfort were all that mattered. Marinette had never felt safer.
Her eyes snapped open.
"GAAAH!" She jumped out of Luka's arms and flailed like a fish. "I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that! (You're not my Adrien!) NO! That doesn't matter, because you're Luka and you're sweet and you're always there for me and (not my Adrien!) Shut up!"
"Would it help if I wore this, Miss?" Luka held up a blonde wig.
("YES!) NO!" Marinette grabbed the wig and hurled it into the air. Both watched the golden locks disappear into the sky and escape Earth's orbit. "Wow, I've gotten way stronger." She turned back to Luka. "You don't need to look like Adrien or pretend to be whatever this tough biker-rocker persona thing is. Just be you, Luka."
The boy glanced past her at the hidden Papa Jagged who gave him an encouraging thumbs-up. Luka smiled and took her hand. "Does this mean you've made a decision, or do you still require time to 'not know?'"
The question hung in the air for quite a while. What excuse did Marinette have left? Adrien was with Kagami. Chat Noir was with his mystery girl. And here Luka was, patiently waiting for her. He'd probably wait for the rest of his life if she asked. She would never do that to him though. She had no reason not to say—
Luka suddenly stood up straight and his eyes turned to solid gold. The cloud of wasps poked their mass over his shoulder.
"Oh, look! An excuse not to make an important decision! Thank you!" Marinette happily ran for her life. The magic wasps chased.
"You're officially the worst," Tikki said.
"I need time to think!" Marinette shot back.
"About what?"
"Things!
"What things?"
"Things! Important things! Very important things! How am I supposed to think about things when I'm running from wasps! Don't rush me!" Marinette stuffed a Magic-aron in Tikki's mouth and called out, "Aqua-Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Mermaid-Ladybug and dove into the Seine River.
The cloud of wasps stared.
"Bzzzt-bzzzbzzbzzzzt-bzz, bzzzzt?" buzzed one wasp, which roughly translated to, "That girl who juzt tranzformed into Ladybug iz Marinette Dupain-Cheng, right?"
"Bzzzt," another buzzed back, which meant, "Ayup."
"Bzbzztzz zzbzzz-bzzzztbzzbzzzz Bzzz?" the first asked, which was Wasp for, "Zhouldn't we tell our Queen?"
"Bz, bzzz bztzzzb zzb bzbzzz bzzt-bzzt." That meant, "Eh, I'm not feeling like a buzy bee today."
Nobody laughed.
A few blocks away:
Adrien and Kagami were going to town on each other; limbs, hair, and spittle flying in every direction. Several people who happened to walk by were immediately weirded out by the ferocity, concluded it was impossible to tell whether they were making out or trying to kill each other, and walked the other way.
Suddenly, Adrien pulled back.
"Hold on." He smacked his lips a couple of times. "Huh."
"What is it, Boyfriend Adrien? Do you require lip balm? I only have the Japanese version." She held up a tube of solid soy sauce.
"No, it's not that. It's just..." He kissed her again for ten straight seconds. He pulled back and licked his lips with an unsure look. "This doesn't taste the same." Another long kiss. "It's missing the…" Another. "the…" One more to quintuple check. "GLAAAWLALAWLAAAAL."
"Is that a Westerner breath mint?"
Adrien didn't know why but in the back of his mind he was starting to have doubts. "We've kissed before, right?"
Before Kagami could answer, her eyes turned to solid gold and she went slack-jawed. The cloud of wasps swarmed over her like a tidal wave.
"FUCK!" Adrien scrambled away.
"So..." Plagg poked his head out with a mischievous look. "I know we're running for our lives and stuff but what was that about taste?"
"I don't know. It wasn't how I remembered when she kissed me as Ladybug. The passion was there but it was missing… something. Maybe I didn't kiss her right."
"Or maybe Kagami isn't Lady—" Plagg's mouth was clogged by a wedge of Magic-amembert.
"No time! Aqua-Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Merman-Chat Noir and he dove into the Seine.
The wasps stared.
"Bzz Bzzb Bzztz bz Bzzzzt Bzbzzz? Bzz bzzt-zzbz zzbz-bzzzzt zzz Bzzz!" one wasp buzzed. Which meant, "And Adrien Agrezte iz Chat Noir? We have to tell our Queen!"
"Bzzzb, bz bzzt Bzzt-bz zzzb bzzt-bz-bzzzzzbz bzzz Bzzb. Bzzzt bz-bzz bzzzz." another buzzed back, meaning, "Dude, we don't zpeak Frenglizh and zhe doezn't zpeak Wazp. Juzt let it go."
"Bzzzzzt," the first sighed. That meant, "Fuuuuck."
Back near the Eiffel Tower:
Miracle Queen felt her influence over the people of Paris grow. It was time. She extended her hand and called out, "Half-bred lessers, heed your Queen. The time of secret identities is over! Those who fight behind a mask, come to me!"
Her decree was heard by everyone who had been stung and they obeyed. One by one, those who had ever wielded a Miraculous came to her and kneeled. Max, Alya, Nino, Kim, Kagami, they were all exposed!
"How pitiful," Miracle Queen sneered. "To think Ladybug would choose you pathetic losers over me. What's so special about you, huh? Why do you get—"
Mr. and Mrs. Dupain-Cheng kneeled before her.
"Whoa! Uh, I don't think you two fit the body-type."
Bridgette, Miss Mendeleiev, Principal Damocles, Mr. Ramier, Fire Chief Cobra Commander, and Ape-Man kneeled before her.
"Okay, stop! When I said 'those who fight behind masks,' I meant only Miraculous—"
Luka arrived and kneeled.
Miracle Queen stared at the boy she had never seen before and her yellow cheeks slowly burned orange. She dialed a number on her spinning top.
"Yes, my Queen," a voice droned on the other end.
"Sabrina, remember how we agreed that I could bang one other person and it wouldn't count as cheating? I've chosen." She hanged up before the screaming started. Twisting a lock of her hair in her finger and giggling like the little schoolgirl that she was, Miracle Queen nervously approached the tall, dark, handsome stranger. "Hey there, new guy. You're a cutie, you know that?"
"Yes, my Queen," Luka droned back.
"You probably know who I am. Not a surprise. Yes, it is I, Miracle Queen, a-k-a, Queen Bee, a-k-a, Chloe Bourgeois, the most refined and rich elite girl in Paris, kind of a big deal. I'm also on the market for a little swinging."
"Yes, my Queen."
"Ooh, your voice just makes me tingle. It's so welcoming and accepting. Reminds me of a doorbell for some reason. Anyway, I'm sure you're dying to ask me out."
"Yes, my Queen."
Miracle Queen pretended to think about it and sighed haughtily. "Fine, I need a royal concubine after all. I suppose a pauper like you will do. Proceed."
"Yes, my Queen." Luka proceeded to smooch her feet.
"Ah, it's good to be Queen," Miracle Queen said pompously. She shoved the Miraculous Box at the remaining teens. "Suit up and get ready, losers."
All except Nino and Kagami donned their Miraculous. In many balls of light, the kwamis appeared and transformed their humans.
"Yes! Yes! Look at all the slaves!" Trixx laughed with Alya's mouth. "It must be time for the final hunt!"
"The bloodshed shall be marvelous, darling," Kaalki said primly with Max's mouth.
"It'sss about time," Sass grinned with Luka's mouth.
"Bet ya I can mindfuck everyone!" Shippo dared with Kim's mouth.
"Listen up, plebeians!" Miracle Queen shouted. "I'm in charge here. As Queen, anything I say goes and I say—" her commanding posture snapped to pathetic pleading, "—tell me you love me and will never abandon or forget me."
Her soldiers exchanged confused looks. "We love you and will never abandon or forget you…?" they replied, completely lost.
"Hooray! This is everything I ever wanted. Friends, respect, and a brand new boy-toy." Miracle Queen pulled Sass to her side and gave his tush a spank.
The snake-boy blushed. "Oh! Pollen, I had no idea you felt that way about me. It'sss flattering."
"Ewww," Miracle Queen drew back from Sass. "No, that lisp is not acceptable." She snapped her fingers. Wasps stung Sass and the rest of the fighters for good measure.
"Yes, my Queen," they all droned, zombified again.
"Much better." Miracle Queen shook her fist at the sky. "I will be loved forever! Nothing will stand in my way!"
("Yes! Nothing will stand in my way!") Mayura cackled as she turned the corner. She stopped cold and stared at Miracle Queen and her small but powerful Miraculous troops.
Miracle Queen stared back at Mayura and her far more massive army of mind-bending, incomprehensible monstrosities. On the back of a bear made of moldy socks was a glowing green ball that contained a short old Chinese man. Another Sentimonster made out of barstools was continuously headbutting that green ball.
Tension thickened the air as Mayura and Miracle Queen glared at each other.
"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Miracle Queen hissed.
("Definitely,") Mayura hissed back.
They high-fived. "Team up! Go girl power!" They both cheered.
Meanwhile, in the Seine:
"What am I gonna do? M'Lady was stung and now I have to face this alone," Chat Noir muttered to himself, his voice magically clear underwater.
"Don't come any closer!" a familiar voice screeched. He spotted a blushing face peeking from behind some algae-covered rocks.
"What the— LB?" He swam toward her. "You're no longer petrified? How did you—"
"I said stay back! I'm wearing nothing but a polka-dotted starfish bra and jellyfish panties!" Ladybug screamed. "What pervert designed these costumes?!"
"Hey, hey, take it easy, Bugaboo. Your body is beautiful. Be proud of it." Chat Noir flexed in his Merman outfit, which consisted of nothing but a conch shell on his crotch and a black starfish bra.
"Turn the fuck around! Right! NOW!"
"Okay, whatever makes you comfortable." He faced away from her and Ladybug discovered the conch shell didn't cover his butt. "Better?"
"Yes," she said, grateful her drool was lost in the Seine's waters. Mmm, that kitty-booty is tight, Lady Noire purred into her ear. In a trance, Ladybug reached for the treasure that was so glorious that she never noticed the Adrigami tramp stamp.
"What's going on up there, M'Lady? Did Master Fu say anything when you returned Ryuko's Miraculous?"
"Huh?" Ladybug snapped out of the enticing hold of the eye-candy and stopped herself from taking a squeeze. She ducked back behind her rocks. "Oh! Right! Uh… so, funny story, I sort of, maybe, kinda accidentally led Hawkmoth right to him."
"You what?!"
On the surface:
Chat Noir's battle-staff extended out of the water and reached high into the air. A pair of cat-eared binoculars popped out of the top. On the other end, Chat Noir peered into his periscope and scanned the land.
"Where on your costume were you storing that?" Ladybug asked.
"Oh my Big Red X, LB! It's worse than we thought!" Chat Noir said. "Everyone in the city has been stung!" It was true! Everywhere he looked, Parisians stood like statues, their eyes solid gold. Then he saw something much worse. "Oh no! Chloe's been akumatized again! And she's teamed up with Mayura! And she has Master Fu! And the Miraculous Box! And… Kagami?" He zoomed in on his girlfriend on the shore, then glanced at who he could've sworn was Kagami behind the rocks.
"And what?" asked Ladybug.
Chat Noir took a second look and spotted the golden-eyed Miraculous fighters, including Rena Rouge. He heaved a sigh of relief. "Phew, just an illusion. Never mind."
"Okay, this can work, we can deal with this without violence," Ladybug said, barely keeping her cool. "We can talk this out with Chloe and Mayura like reasonable people and not have to throw a single punch."
"By the way, Chloe has hypnotized all of our Miraculous allies into becoming her foot soldiers."
"All of them?!" Ladybug snatched the periscope and took a look. What she saw was Miracle Queen lounging on Viperion's lap like the boy was her throne.
Ladybug's eye spasmed. She strapped on the Miraculous Choker of the Dragon.
With the bad guys:
("So it's agreed, you get tyrannical rule over both Americas and Europe, I get Africa and Asia, and we'll alternate control of Antarctica every other generation,") Mayura said, finishing dividing up the world map.
"And all the people I conquer will love me forever and never abandon me?" Miracle Queen asked.
("Yeah, sure, whatever.")
"You got a deal." She shook Mayura's hand. "I have to say, this whole co-ruling thing is going a lot smoother than I thought. For a second there I was convinced you were going to try to take everything for yourself."
("Whaaat? I wouldn't do that to you, Chlo-Chlo,") Mayura said, then darkly muttered under her breath, ("Yet. Hehehe.")
"What was that?"
("Nothing, nothing.")
Viperion, the human-chair, droned into Miracle Queen's ear, "We're only working with Duusu to betray it later, right, my Queen?"
"Um, duh?" Miracle Queen whispered back like it was obvious.
("What was that?")
"I said, flex your abs more, concubine! Your Queen is especially thirsty today." She snuggled against Viperion's scales, then saw something. "Hey, when did it get so cloudy?"
Indeed it was. The once spotless blue sky had almost abruptly darkened with ominous thick angry clouds. Thunder rumbled. The smell of rain and ozone filled the air.
("Ooh! Umbrella Sentimonster! I should write that down.")
BOOM!
A missile shot down from the storm, only it wasn't a missile. It was a girl with the form of a dragon slithering through her polka-dots. On a gale of wind she rode, with a tidal wave of water on her heels. In her hand sparked and crackled a sword of lightning.
("GET OFF MY LUKA, MOTHERFUCKER!") roared Dragon-Bug.
"Uh oh." Miracle Queen went pale.
Dragon-Bug's blade impaled the cobblestone and a shockwave of electricity expanded from the impact, striking everyone at the same time as the wall of water hit them. Bodies jittered and stiffened before dropping to the ground. Dead wasps fell out of the air and splattered everywhere.
Chat Noir slowly came to Dragon-Bug's side. "Whoa. Badass. I thought you'd have more hang-ups with fighting our allies."
("MUST SAVE LUKA!") Dragon-Bug charged blade-first for Miracle Queen.
Charred and singed, Miracle Queen scrambled behind Viperion. "Protect your Queen, concubine!"
"Yes, my Queen." With a twist, Viperion activated his Second Chance.
Blinded by bloodrage, Dragon-Bug aimed her sword for Miracle Queen's throat and swung! SNIK! Viperion's severed arm dropped to the ground.
"GAAH! I'm so sorry!" Dragon-Bug grabbed the arm and twisted the Miraculous on the wrist.
A Few Seconds Ago:
Blinded by bloodrage, Dragon-Bug aimed her sword for Miracle Queen's throat and Viperion caught the blade between his hands. The impact formed a crater under their feet, throwing Miracle Queen back.
With Viperion distracted, Chat Noir easily slid close and snatched the Snake Miraculous off his wrist. In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed back to regular old Luka. "Good strategy, Bugaboo," Chat Noir commended. "Viperion would've easily been our toughest opponent."
"Yeah, sure, strategy," Dragon-Bug agreed too quickly, her arms and legs tightly wrapped around Luka and her face buried in his chest.
"Uh, are you gonna let him go or—"
"This is part of the strategy!"
Enraged at the loss of her fine piece of ass, Miracle Queen called out, "Mayura, a little help?"
("Oh, I would, Chlo-Chlo,") Mayura said from atop a safe roof, ("but Europe is your territory and the Nation of Duusu lives by a strict Swiss neutrality policy. None of the conflict, all of the moral superiority. HAHAHA!")
"So… you don't want us to start the world invasion?" Dishwasher Sentimonster asked.
("Of course I want you to start the world invasion. This is a double-cross. Fly, my pretties, fly!")
The Sentimonster army fanned out, many aiming for the farthest corners of the world in order to cement Mayura's rule!
("I'll be here...") Mayura grinned down at Dragon-Bug. ("It's almost time for the punchline. Heheheheeh...")
"You're useless! Utterly useless!" Miracle Queen declared. "Get up! Protect your Queen!"
The rest of the hypnotized Miraculous wielders shook off the static discharge and readied their special moves. Volpina blew an earsplitting note on her flute and the tip glowed orange. King Monkey summoned a deadly stuffed frog doll. Pegasus readied his Voyage.
Chat Noir slipped on the Snake Miraculous and in a torrent of turquoise transformed into Snake Noir. He activated his Second Chance. "Ha! I can take you all on. I'm not the pushover Chat Noir who loses instantly anymore. I've been training with the strongest fighter I know. You're nothing compared to—"
A katana burst through his chest.
Snake Noir's gushing blood turned to ice. "Oh no..." He twisted the Snake Miraculous.
A few seconds ago:
Snake Noir spun around and blocked the katana. With absolute dread, he peered into the deadly gold eyes of Kagami.
"Fuck..."
Meanwhile on a nearby roof:
"This fine. This fine," Jade Turtle whimpered to himself as Barstool Sentimonster made yet another crack in his Shell-ter. He figured he had a few minutes left. Ten, maybe eleven if he was lucky.
"Yo, buddy," a much smaller Sentimonster made completely out of leaves poked Barstool Sentimonster. "It's me. I'm Bush Sentimonster. Bush, bush, twigs, and dirt. Boss lady says take a break, I'll tag in."
Barstool Sentimonster gave them a barstool-up and left. As soon as it was gone, Bush Senimonster pried apart some of its leaves to reveal… Hawkmoth!
"AHH! No! Me already told you! Ladybug and Chat Noir is Marinette and Adrien!" Jade Turtle cried.
"I commend you for committing to that obvious lie for so long, Fu," Hawkmoth whispered, "but I'm here to rescue you."
Jade Turtle did a double-take. "R-Really? Why?"
"You're a Guardian, aren't you? You've spent your entire life studying the Miraculous and the kwamis. If there's anyone who knows how to put a stop to Duusu, it's you."
Jade Turtle avoided all eye contact. "Oh yeah! Sure! Me am best Guardian. Me not janitor who spend entire life mopping. Me know exactly how handle this. You try true love kiss yet?"
"That only made Duusu stronger."
"Oh." Jade Turtle looked around, completely out of ideas. "Ummmm… hmmmmmm… wow… you… uhhhh… that usually works."
"Yo!" A Sentimonster made out of sledgehammers stomped over to them. "Bush Sentimonster bro, why aren't you beating the little man out of there?"
Hawkmoth quickly covered his face with leaves. "I was just, uh, I forgot a weapon."
"You did? Then use mine, bro." It tore off one of its sledgehammer arms and gave it to Hawkmoth. "I'm right-handed anyway."
Hawkmoth took it and gently tapped the Shell-ter, smiling widely at the Sentimonster.
"Yeah, that's it, keep up the good work, little bro."
Down in the fight:
"Hello, look at me, I'm Kagami!" a crowd of identical Kagamis said as they bore down on Snake Noir with matching katanas and interchangeable goofy grins.
"I don't understand!" Snake Noir said as he blocked the many blows, all of them felt too real. "How can you be fighting me here and everyone else over there at the same time?"
He chanced a glance over his shoulder to make sure Ladybug was still beating the rest of their former allies away from Luka like a lion protecting her cub. Luka continued to stand there like a statue.
"This—It isn't possible—It has to be some kind of advanced super Mirage!" He cartwheeled over the girls and stomped Rena Rouge's face into a lamppost. She dropped like a ton of bricks. Snake Noir eagerly turned to the Kagamis.
Half of them crumbled to golden dust.
"Uh, uh, ooh! An alternate Kagami from a parallel universe summoned by Pegasus' Voyage!" He jumpkicked Pegasus into a wall where he stayed.
Portals opened under the Kagamis and took most of them home. Only three remained.
"You're a madness induced hallucination!" Snake Noir gut-punched King Monkey and piledrived his head through the sidewalk.
Two burst into a pile of bananas. One Kagami remained.
"Wow," Dragon-Bug remarked at the triple-play. "You have gotten better at this."
Snake Noir's head whipped back and forth between the two girls, sweat beading down his face. "But-But-But-But—" Kagami lunged and swiped, locking blade with Snake Noir's staff. "AH! My perception of reality is breaking!"
"You take care of Kagami, Snake Noir, I'll handle the rest." Dragon-Bug turned to Miracle Queen and raised her fists. "It's over, Chloe."
"Not yet it's not, Ladybrat!" she snarled back. "I still have one last Miraculous pawn to use! Go! Protect your Queen!"
Out stepped… Nino.
The unpowered boy threw a pathetic punch that Dragon-Bug didn't even feel. "Okay, this is officially sad." Dragon-Bug shoved Nino away with a flick of her pinky. The boy flew back and collided with Miracle Queen, making her fall on her spinning top and let out the Akuma.
Dragon-Bug divided into Ladybug and de-evilized the insect. Miracle Queen disappeared into bubbling darkness, leaving behind Queen Bee. All of the hypnotized people were freed.
All across Paris, people cheered and whooped and huzzahed, and then panicked at the sight of the thousands of invading Sentimonsters.
The Miraculous fighters continued to be unconscious and very much in pain.
Only Luka and Kagami snapped out their trances without a scratch on them. "Oh dear, how did I get here? Why do I have the distinct feeling that my arm got chopped off?"
"Greetings, Hero Chat Noir, are we in the middle of a duel?" Kagami asked.
"Can't… cope… you're not… Ladybug," Snake Noir stuttered out.
Ladybug finally breathed easy and patted Queen Bee's shoulder, "Don't worry, Chloe, you're free from Hawkmoth's control."
"Yeah, about that..." Queen Bee socked Ladybug across the jaw. She flung her spinning top at the nearest roof. It sailed past Mayura, through the army of Sentimonsters, and plunged into the depths of Bush Sentimonster's leaves. It came out with Hawkmoth's cane.
Everyone stared at Bush Sentimonster.
"Ummm, I'm Cane Bush Sentimonster…?" he excused.
"Hi, Cane Bush Sentimonster," the army pleasantly replied.
The cane was dragged back to Queen Bee who popped open the top. A dark butterfly waited within. "Come to mama!"
Ladybug squashed it with her yo-yo. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You're not akumatized! You don't have to be evil anymore!" Queen Bee shoved her off and shook the cane upside down like a ketchup bottle until another black butterfly squirted out. Ladybug squashed it again and yanked away the cane. "Stop it! What are you doing?!"
"Nothing," Queen Bee said casually. "Can I have the cane?"
"Depends. Are you gonna try to re-akumatize yourself?"
"Maybe."
"CHLOE!"
"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" Queen Bee screamed back. "All I ever wanted was to be a hero like you but you never gave me the chance! I spent months trying to be nice but it was never because I wasn't nice enough or because I didn't have pay-chance or because Hawkmoth would use my identity to his advantage!"
"Huh," Hawkmoth thought out loud. "I had honestly never considered that."
"It was because YOU FORGOT ME!"
Queen Bee's voice echoed across the city, stunning everyone into silence. Hawkmoth gaped. Snake Noir gawked. Mayura munched on some popcorn, ("Preach, sister!")
"Well?" Queen Bee spat. "Go on! Tell them what you told me!"
Everyone watched Ladybug, unsure what to believe. Even Snake Noir, who would support his Lady in anything, hesitated. After a long while, Ladybug opened her mouth, "You're right, Chloe. I did. I completely forgot you existed and I wish I hadn't."
The regret in her voice gave Queen Bee pause.
"There were tons of times where you could've easily solved everything for us and I just… forgot. My head's been getting scrambled more and more and I've forgotten entire days but that's no excuse. It was wrong of me to forget you. I'm sorry. But you don't need Hawkmoth, Chloe. You don't need an Akuma or any powers to be a hero. Why do you think Hawkmoth and Mayura kept targeting you? It's because you are the toughest bitch Paris has ever seen. You'll literally pick a fight with anyone, even supervillains, with your bare fists if you have to. It doesn't matter if they're stronger than you. You even punched me just now. Me. No one else has the tits to do that. Only you, Chloe."
Then, to everyone's surprise, Ladybug offered her the cane. Queen Bee didn't know how to respond.
"You don't need this to be great, Chloe. You already are."
Queen Bee gently took the cane. There was no desire in her face anymore, no more greed. She weighed the weapon in her hand as if considering, then clenched her fist.
"You're right, I am great," Queen Bee said and chucked the cane away.
Everyone sighed in relief.
("Booooo!") Mayura whined.
"I don't need to go all evil when I'm already amazing," Queen Bee continued. "I don't need the approval of villains when I've got all the love I need with my new boyfriend." She pulled Luka close and puckered her lips for a kiss. Both Luka and Ladybug stared at the waiting girl, not sure how to react. Even The Beast was too dumbfounded to attack.
"Uh, my apologies, Miss, but have we met?" Luka asked.
Queen Bee's smoochy lips sagged like a pair of wet noodles. "Oh, fuck you." She shoved the boy away before pulling every Miraculous from the Box and started putting them on!
("There we go!") Mayura cheered.
"No!" Snake Noir cried.
"Relax, guys," Ladybug said, not worried in the least. "Her body can't handle all that magic. She'll just collapse and be unable to move."
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
An eruption of magic split the air, deafening every ear! Pure, unbridled energy radiated off of what used to be Queen Bee like fire! Every Miraculous glowed with power and infused Her essence with strength! The mighty creature bellowed a warcry that made the heroes shrivel!
Ladybug started to sweat. "Or not. Quick, Snake Noir, use your Second Chance!" She turned and saw regular old Chat Noir sheepishly holding the Snake Miraculous.
"Sorry, I already took it off."
"Why?!"
"Because it was itchy," he whined.
The kwamis barely had to time spawn before they were dragged into their Miraculous and added to Chloe's power. One kwami shaped like a bunny took its few moments of existence to wave to Mayura and say, "Hello there, you must be Tikki's slave. I feel sorry for you."
Mayura snickered back, ("It's me, Fluff. Duusu. Aren't you going to compliment me on what I've done with my human?")
"I AM MIRACLE EMPRESS!" the new God proclaimed. Her voice collapsed several buildings! A new channel in the Seine River tore open! Airplanes crashed!
"M'Lady, get away!" Chat Noir yelled.
"No, I got this!" Ladybug desperately wound back her arm and punched with everything she had!
Her fist bounced off Miracle Empress' cheek with a squeak.
"I don't got this!"
Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug and pulled her away as the magic began to gather and clump around Miracle Empress, making Her grow and grow. "IT ENDS HERE! NO ONE WILL EVER ABANDON ME OR FORGET ME EVER AGAIN! I SHALL BE LOVED!"
("Damn, Chloe, you do not disappoint! That's what I call emotional baggage!") Mayura laughed. ("Let's tear this world a new one! HAHAHAHAHAHA!")
Nearby:
"Hurry, Fu, hurry," Hawkmoth pestered, still lightly tapping the Shell-ter.
"Me looking." Jade Turtle furiously swiped through the Miraculous Book on his phone. "Come on… come on… 'How Remove Transformation Chalky Aftertaste?' No. 'How Get Magic Stains Out of Underwear?' No."
"Don't Guardians have the book memorized or something?"
"Is long read. Me skim. Aha! 'How Defeat and Seal Away Duusu!'"
"Finally!"
"'...was lost to time and is complete mystery.'"
"Fuck!"
"But that means there is way. We need only rediscover it before we die in next five minutes. No pressure."
Arguably the two stupidest and laziest men in Paris put their heads together, scrunched their faces, and thought as hard as they could. They chewed their lips and tore at their hair. They sweated bullets and groaned like they were severely constipated.
"Me got nothing."
"Yeah, I'm drawing a blank. How the hell do we defeat something that is made stronger by love?!"
"Ooh, is this a puzzle? I adore puzzles!" Pints of Beer Sentimonster trotted over to them and eagerly clapped its hooves made of overflowing steins of lager. "Let's see… If love is the strength, then the opposite must be the weakness."
Hawkmoth and Jade Turtle exchanged looks. "The opposite of love?"
"Ooh, is it pancakes?" guessed Pancake Sentimonster.
"Tea parties?" Tea Party Sentimonster suggested.
"Lack of proper communication coupled with rampant dishonesty?" Pints of Beer Sentimonster proposed.
"It's none of those!" Hawkmoth said. "It has to be a meaningful gesture. Something as powerful as true love's kiss. But what is an anti-kiss?"
Jade Turtle consulted the Miraculous Book. "Uhhh, cursed apple? Cursed spindle? Has to be something cursed, right? Ooh, me can curse her into frog."
"No." Hawkmoth stopped pacing. "No, please." Where the thought had come from couldn't be said, but Hawkmoth knew the answer and he didn't like it. "I can't do that to her. There has to be another way."
"What? What way, gweilo?"
Hawkmoth didn't respond. He watched Mayura on the far roof cackle madly at the pandemonium. Nathalie was still in there somewhere. He could save her. He needed to save her. No matter what. Hawkmoth reached into Pints of Beer Sentimonster's belly and ripped out a tall glass of liquid courage. He chugged it.
"AH! My kidney!" Pints of Beer Sentimonster cried.
Hawkmoth got a refill.
"AH! My other kidney!"
Down in the fight:
Miracle Empress had expanded bigger than the Eiffel Tower! She had become a colossus of magic and rage! And She was still growing!
"Oh dear," Luka whispered.
"Potential-Friend Chloe has surpassed Godzilla," Kagami said in awe.
"Oh my Big Red X, M'Lady, what are we going to do?" Chat Noir whimpered.
Ladybug had no answer.
"YES! COWER, YOU FOOLS!" Miracle Empress bellowed. "COWER AT THE SIGHT OF MY AWESOME VISAGE! KNEEL BEFORE ME! KNEEEEEL AND BOOOOOW! AND WITH YOUR CHINS IN THE DIRT, LOOK UP! LOOK UP AND SAY, 'WHO IN ALL THE HEAVENS IS MIGHTIER THAN MIRACLE EMPRE—' Pre-pre-caaaah!"
A raspy wheeze echoed through the sky. The heroes watched Miracle Empress' legs shake and convulse. What was going on, they could not tell. The rest of the massive girl was hidden above the clouds.
"Is—It sounds like—Is she choking?" Chat Noir asked.
"I think she grew so big that her head reached outer space," Ladybug said.
("Huh, looks like all that power went straight to her ego, but, damn, do her hips look fine!") Mayura laughed herself silly as Miracle Empress toppled over, Her face landing somewhere beyond the city limits. The Seine splashed up, spreading its water across the city. ("Well, that was anticlimactic. Anyway, enough of amateur hour. Time for the Headliner. KNOCK KNOCK!")
Mayura's eyes shined red.
Ladybug suddenly doubled over, grabbing her head. The wrench wound which had been practically dormant these past months stabbed with pain. She could feel The Beast ripping the gates asunder, clawing its way into her mind. It was just like when she'd jumped off the Eiffel Tower after the fake Adrien, but the pain was so much worse. There was no sweet laugh of Duusu lulling her guard down, only a furious claim.
("Who's there? You. You who? You. Are. MINE!")
She was barely aware of Chat Noir, Luka, and Kagami huddled over her, so close and yet their pleas of asking what was wrong were so distant. A sudden thought occurred to her. It was their fault. Stupid, sexy Chat Noir. Stupid, sexy Luka. Stupid, sexy Kagami. If it weren't for them, she wouldn't be so confused all the time. If it weren't for them, she'd have her Adrien all to herself.
("You should just get rid of them.")
And with those words, Ladybug was gone. In a blur of motion, The Beast charged at the three distractions.
Mayura cackled madly as the culmination of her grand plan come to fruition. All around the world, her Sentimonsters were making their move.
In England:
A towering terror made of 5G cell towers demolished Buckingham Palace.
"Blast," Queen Elizabeth II said. "It appears those conspiracy theorist wankers were right. 5G really is killing us all."
In Japan:
A flock of fearsome furies made of falafel overpowered Godzilla and dragged the King of Monsters and His kaiju-sized Gabriel-brand sweater into the ocean!
In America:
An awful amalgamation made of aerosol cans shared an obviously fake news story. The Sentimonster was instantly elected President.
In Russia:
Ding-dong!
Vladimir Putin answered the Kremlin's door and found a hulking horror made of helicopters!
"Hello! Do you have time to talk about your new Dark Lord Duusu?" it asked pleasantly, then held up the severed heads of Putin's military generals, "Because these guys didn't."
Back in Paris:
"Kagami, Luka, get back!" Chat Noir shouted as The Beast lunged. He got them out of harm's way just before the claws shish-kebabed them and caught The Beast's bite on his staff. Summoning all of his Miraculous strength, Chat Noir threw The Beast across the plaza, through a glass window, and into a bank vault. The three teens raced after it and slammed the vault shut.
There were several tense seconds of thumping as the thing rammed around inside but the vault held. For now. The lion-like roars of anger made them tremble.
"I'm going in there," Chat Noir said.
Luka and Kagami both gasped.
"We need Ladybug to put everything back together and I've handled her when she's like this before. I know what needs to be done." He fixed the other two with a stern grimace. "No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I may beg you, no matter how terrible I may scream, do not open this door or we won't get her back. Do you understand? Do not open this door."
They nodded.
Bracing himself, Chat Noir cracked open the vault and slipped inside. He heard the steel lock behind him.
It was at this moment that he knew he fucked up.
This was not the angry Ladybug he was used to. It wasn't even the red-eyed uber-pissed off Ladybug. There wasn't a trace of Ladybug left. This was a monster. One growl was all it took, and he knew it would kill him.
He turned right back around and banged on the vault. "Let me out! Let me out! Get me the hell out of here!"
A few feet away:
Luka and Kagami listened with admiration.
Punch, punch! "What's the matter with you people?! Don't you know a joke when you hear one?! HAHAHAHA!" Punch, punch! "Big Red X, get me outta here! Open this damn door! I'll kick your fucking heads in! MOMMY!"
"Hero Chat Noir is brave," Kagami said solemnly.
"Indeed," Luka agreed.
In the vault:
The Beast finished shaking off the safety deposit boxes and let out a monstrous howl! It stalked on all-fours toward its trapped prey. Chat Noir whipped around and pressed his back against the wall. There was no way out. No backing down. He swallowed heavily and did what he did best.
"Hello, beautiful," he flirted.
The Beast paused. Its deadly claws stopped mid-swipe and from its throat came a puppy-like, ("Huh?") It looked around in search of who Chat Noir was talking to.
"You're a good looking gal, do you know that?" he pressed on, hiding his terror behind a smooth-as-silk smirk. "Look at that cute face. Look at the sweet smile."
The Beast touched its salivating fangs with a hint of embarrassment. ("Really?")
"And that bod. Do you want to talk about physical strength?" Chat Noir kept on flirting, the words coming much easier. "Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? Look at these guns you're packing, girl. You are a goddess!"
His praise filled The Beast with pride. No one had ever told it these things before, made it feel these things before. They felt good. Like internal bleeding only… nice.
"And you know what's the sexiest part?" Chat Noir said, leaning so close that The Beast began to blush. "I know that deep down inside, under all this scary, rip-your-head-off routine, there's a sensitive side waiting to come out. I know you are not evil. You are good." They gazed into each other's eyes and shared a warm moment.
("Nah, I'm totally evil, but thanks for the compliments. I'mma eat you now.")
"AAHHHH!"
Meanwhile:
("Hey!") Mayura called, leaning as far as she could over the roof's edge. She couldn't see into the bank. ("What's going on down there? Are you dead yet?")
Mayura suddenly felt someone grab her shoulders. They yanked her around and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man who really didn't want to do this. ("Oh, hey, Gabe. Figured you'd be cowering in a hole somewhere by now. You enjoying the show?")
Hawkmoth hesitated, just for a moment, then said. "It's not gonna work out."
("...Say what now?")
"You and me, Nathalie. We just don't work well together, and that kiss made me realize I've got Emilie and Adrien to think about."
Mayura's eyes widened. ("You're not saying—but no, you can't! You and Nat, you're made for each other, Gabe. I've been around since before the concept of time and I've never seen two humans so perfect together. Please don't do this, you're just the cutest. Think about all the good times you and Nat have shared, think about that adorable grumpy face she always makes when you do your evil laugh. You love that.")
She tried to take his hand, but he pushed it away. "I'm sorry, Nathalie, I—" his voice hitched but he pressed on, "I don't feel the same way."
Mayura stumbled back, gripping her chest as if she'd been staked through the heart. There were actual tears brimming. ("N-No… Stop…")
"I think we'd be better staying—"
("Don't say it!")
"...friends."
("MY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!")
Mayura's explosive cry made the city shake more than the fall of Miracle Empress. All across the planet, her Sentimonsters simultaneously imploded. The rainbow of Love which had filled her before now ejected out of her body with great force. Guided by unseen hands, the power was siphoned back into the clouds.
Hawkmoth caught Mayura's limp form and held her tightly.
Then…
"Sir?" she whispered, not a hint of madness.
He let out a shuddery breath. "Welcome back, Nathalie."
In the Realm of the Gods:
The Love crashed through Hathor's apartment window and splattered everywhere.
"For the love of Ra, there's Love stains all over my couch!"
"Sorry," a sad voice grumbled from above.
Hathor craned Her head back and spotted Marinette stuck to the ceiling with a glob of Love. "Oh, if it isn't Miss I-Don't-Have-Time-For-Love-Quests-Because-I-Only-Love-Adrien. How's that migraine going for you?"
"It's going great," Marinette said through a forced smile. "You know, except for the fact that now I also like two other boys and I got possessed by a dark spirit that wants to disembowel them and one of them just asked me out andIdon'tknowwhattodoHEEEELP!"
"Wait..." Hathor grinned and Her cow horns sparkled with excitement. "You have a love problem?"
"Yes! Please, God of Love, help m—"
"Finally! It's been so long!" Hathor began digging through an Ancient Egyptian trunk. "Should I break out the net trap that teaches how love can be a tangled web? Or maybe the quicksand pit that teaches love needs to be approached cautiously? Ooh! Of course!" She pulled out a regular looking wooden stool. "The Uncomfortable Stool of Absolution that teaches you sometimes you need to just sit on your love problems and deal with it! Perfect!"
"Put that away!" Marinette ordered. "No riddles, no quests, no metaphors."
"Just a teeny tiny metaphor?"
"No. Just tell me what to do."
"Tell you? Uggggggh!" Hathor collapsed on the Uncomfortable Stool of Absolution and uncorked a bottle of Ancient Egyptian chardonnay. "Guess that means talking about feelings. Modern love, blegh, kill me now. So, lay it on me, mortal, why can't you make up your mind about who you love?" Hathor asked before taking a chug.
The blunt question made Marinette stammer. "I, uh, I, um, who could? Adrien is so dreamy and Chat Noir is so loyal and Luka is a downright sweetheart and Kagami—whoa, did I say Kagami? That was a slip of the tongue, hehehe."
Hathor kept on chugging.
"But, uh, if I were to hypothetically put Kagami on the list, I'd say she's probably the most caring person I've met. Not that I like her like that."
Chug, chug.
"And then… there's… me…"
Hathor stopped chugging and belched. "There it is. Go on."
Marinette sighed, the glob of Love drooping along with her attitude. "I'm a klutz, I lose my temper way too easily, I'm a magnet for disasters. I'm so insecure that in an alternate timeline where me and Chat Noir dated I practically made him my prisoner. How could any of them want to be with me? I'll just mess things up."
The God hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, you will."
"Hey!"
"You wanted my help, never said anything about my sympathy." Hathor finished off the chardonnay. She extended Her cow horns and began to slice Marinette free. "You will mess things up, and so will Adrien and Chat Noir and Luka and Kagami. You'll all mess things up. Relationships are messy. I should know, I was married to my dad-brother and gave birth to my husband-son."
Marinette stared. "...W-What?"
"It's a God thing. The point is you will make mistakes and some will suck so hard they will end relationships. That's part of love. Are you gonna let that stop you from even trying?"
"But I don't want to hurt them."
"Why not?"
"They're my friends!"
"Good. Better to perv on a friend than some rando at a bar." The last strand of Love holding Marinette in place was snipped away and the girl fell flat on her face. Hathor lifted her up. "Why do you think they're your friends to begin with? It's because they see in you what you see in them." Between Hathor's horns appeared a flaming golden disc. In it, Marinette saw herself. Her blushing as Adrien praised her fashion designs to anyone who would listen. Her failing at guitar while Luka patiently taught. Her laughing along with Chat Noir at yet another terrible movie. Her frantically stopping Kagami from decapitating the mailman when she offhandedly complained about her package being late. More and more moments of shared happiness, strife, overcoming hardship, joy. Friendship. And in all of them, Marinette saw one common factor. Her.
"People care about you, Marinette, even love you. Maybe you should try loving yourself too."
And in this moment a thought occurred to Marinette which had never occurred to her before. Adrien, Luka, Chat Noir, Kagami, they were all incredible people who deserved to be loved.
And so did she.
Hathor gave her horns a rub and a rose sprouted before Marinette. "Now, speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours."
She gently held the flower and said, "Marinette Dupain-Cheng."
Hathor smiled triumphantly. "Ha, snuck in one last metaphor."
In the bank vault:
Ladybug opened her eyes, as blue as bluebells without a spot of red, and found her teeth wrapped around Chat Noir's throat.
"GAAAH!" She spat him out. "What happened?!"
"Oh, welcome back, Bugaboo," Chat Noir whimpered, having reached a new level of trauma. "Nothing happened. We were just necking. Ha… ha… ha…" He covered his crotch. "Either I discovered a new fetish or I need a therapist."
Later:
Ladybug and Chat Noir stormed out of the bank and spotted Hawkmoth hammering away at Jade Turtle's Shell-ter.
"Come on, gweilo," Jade Turtle complained. "Me thought we connected."
"We did. But now I don't need you anymore. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" He sneered down at the heroes. "Checkmate, Ladybug and Chat Noir. I have your Guardian. I have won!"
"Fine. Keep him. He's useless anyway," Ladybug said, ignoring Chat Noir's gasp.
Hawkmoth was shocked too, but then he got it. "Ohhh, reverse psychology. Nice try, Ladybug. You only want me to think Fu is a bumbling idiot who doesn't know what he's doing, when in reality he is secretly the wisest Guardian to ever exist and the most valuable weapon I could take from you. I won't be fooled so easily. He is mine!"
"Curses, you've seen through my tricks," Ladybug said, setting a new world record for heaviest eye roll.
"MUAHAHAAHAHAHA!" Hawkmoth cackled, amping up his hammering.
"Come on, Ladybug. Stop joking. You need me," Jade Turtle begged. "Me one with Miraculous Box."
"You mean this Miraculous Box?" Ladybug took the Box from Chloe's unconscious titanic form. "Oops, looks like I have it now. Give me one good reason why I should save you."
Jade Turtle started to sweat. "Uh… me have excellent personality…?"
Ladybug said nothing.
"Fine! You no want me? Me leave!" Jade Turtle got to his feet and cried to the heavens, "ME QUIT!"
"Quit?" Hawkmoth sputtered.
"Quit?!" Chat Noir cried.
"Whoa! Fu hasn't quit in over 150 years?" Ladybug asked. "That's actually impressive."
"ME ALSO NAME LADYBUG NEW GUARDIAN!" Fu quickly added.
"WHAT?! YOU SONUVA—"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A wave of pure white light expanded from Fu's body, shattering the Shell-ter. The beams shot down to the street, aiming for Ladybug!
"No!" she screamed. "I don't want it! Go away! I don't give consent! AAAH!"
The beams arced around her and hit Chloe. All of the Miraculouses were magically removed and her massive body slowly shrank back to normal size. The Miraculous Box opened in Ladybug's arms and the Miraculous gathered inside. In an explosion of magic, the oriental wood melted away, leaving behind a shimmering red orb covered with black polka-dots. A little plaque spawned on the orb's top that read, Property of Ladybug. If Found, Please Return to Miraculous Temple.
Ladybug's eye twitched.
"The new Guardian," Chat Noir marveled. Then he grinned perversely. "Mmm, this sort of makes it like having a thing for my teacher. I like it."
Her eye spasmed.
"Could I get some extra credit, My Lady Guardian—" Ladybug grabbed his throat. "Sorry, I forgot to turn it off," he wheezed.
"FU!"
Ladybug stormed her way to the roof where one last Sentimonster made of leaves in the shape of a man hefting an unconscious woman on his back stood over Fu's body. "Hello there, I'm Cane Bush Sentimonster, the most non-threatening, not Hawkmoth Sentimonster there is. Ignore me."
Ladybug already was. Her murderous sights softened to despair when she saw Fu. He was sprawled on the ground, not moving.
Chat Noir arrived and gasped. "Oh no, is he…"
"Hold on, I'll check." She dropped the Miraculous Orb on his stomach. The man immediately groaned and awakened.
"Fu, you're alive?! Thank Big Red X, I thought you died," Chat Noir said.
"Sadly yes," Fu nodded somberly. "But me lived!"
"That's great!" Ladybug lifted him off his feet. "Now I can kill you myself."
"Huh?! I mean, uh, um, uh—Oh no! Super secret toll of being Guardian revealed! My memory! Is fading! No!" He pulled out his phone and flashed the light in his face to simulate magic. "Me forget entire life and all Miraculous secrets! Uh, who? Who is Fu? Who you? Who me? What is orange?"
Ladybug squinted at him with suspicion.
"His memory?!" Chat Noir cried.
"Well, that's just great! Now how will he tell me your secret identities?" Cane Bush Sentimonster harrumphed and stomped away.
"Y'up, me feeble old man now. No memory, no consequences to actions. Me go now. Goodbye, scary polka-dotted clown me never met before." Fu ran for the fire escape, only for a yo-yo to lasso him.
"Wayzz, is he faking?" Ladybug asked.
Sweat poured down Fu's face. He eyed the frowning green kwami. "Oh? What this? Is this flying mini-turtle? Me never see before." He shook his clasped hands at Wayzz, silently pleading with him. "You know what, me no like this place. Me go far away, faaaar away, and never return."
Wayzz smiled. He liked the sound of that. "Okay, yeah, it's for real."
"Phew," Fu said.
"Eh," Ladybug cracked her knuckles. "I'm still gonna beat him up."
Meanwhile:
Gabriel carefully loaded Nathalie's weak body into the back of the Agreste Limo, wiping away the leaves and doing his best to ignore Duusu's endless chatter.
"You didn't really mean it, right, Gabe?" it asked frantically. "You don't wanna just stay friends. That was a mistake. Now that you've lost her, you've realized how much you love Nat and I can get my Ultimate Power back. Whoops. Did I say that last part out loud? That was a brain fart. It meant nothing. I just wanna make it clear that me insinuating that my power is directly connected with how much you love each other was a joke. Get it? HAHAHA! Please say you love each other."
Gabriel shot a scowl at the mad kwami, but before he could retort Nathalie coughed.
"Sir..." Another cough. "Look." Her shaky arm barely lifted to show something clenched in her fingers. Gabriel's eyes lit up. It was Fu's tablet.
With a swipe, the screen showed the digital Miraculous Book which had been painstakingly translated by the old Chinese man. At the top of the page was the title: How to "Fix" your Miraculous.
A pair of matching grins appeared on Gabriel and Nathalie's faces. They turned to Duusu who had become a particularly pale shade of blue.
"Hehehe, come on, guys, let's be reasonable here. Heheheh. Nat, Gabe, haven't I been a good friend? Haven't I brought laughter into your home? If it weren't for me, neither of you would be honest about your feelings for each other. Hehe—" Nathalie grabbed it out of the air and squeezed. "HEEEEEELP!"
Later, at the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:
Chloe stomped through the front door to find her parents holding each other next to Officer Roger.
"Miss Chloe Bourgeois," Roger said. "According to Ladybug, you knowingly chose to be akumatized and voluntarily mind-slaved everyone in Paris with the intention of making them love you against their will and then you voluntarily chose to side with Hawkmoth and Mayura in order to take over the world. Your actions speak volumes about your disregard for your fellow man and are on par with the most heinous of war crimes."
"hhhThat's my girl," Audrey planted a proud kiss on Chloe's head.
"But you're still young and growing." Roger continued. "Kids make mistakes and the worst thing we as a society can do is take away a child's chance to change. I've talked it over with the Police Chief and he's willing to let the charges slide as long as you don't be a Karen and apologize."
Chloe smiled. "Oh. An apology? That's all you want? Sure, here you go." She flipped him off. "Fuck. You."
Later:
Chloe stood wide-eyed in her new jail cell. "Well, that was a mistake."
A few days later:
Fu walked with the stiff, trying-not-to-piss-his-pants walk of a man with a gun pressed to the back of his head. Directly behind him was Marinette Dupain-Cheng, scouring for any hint of recognition.
"You remember who you are yet?" she hissed.
"N-No! Oh my! What this big long metal tube train-like thing? Me never see before."
Marinette kept squinting at him with distrust. Somewhere nearby, the conductor made the last call for passengers. The door of the nearest car opened and out walked…
"Marianne!" Fu exclaimed and hugged his old girlfriend tightly. He then heard the crack of knuckles behind him. He immediately let Marianne go. "Oh! Who you, beautiful lady me never see before?"
"Don't worry, Fu." Marianne placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'll take care of you. It's time for me to do the protecting, my brave little man."
"Brave, right," Marinette scoffed. "It's still creepy that he's old enough to be your great-grandpa."
"Don't kink-shame, young lady," Marianne said.
The train whistle tooted. Minutes to go. Marinette peered carefully at the sweat-drenched Fu, searching for a hint of betrayal. She got nothing. "Alright," she sighed. "I guess this is goodbye, Fu."
Fu internally shouted in victory. On the outside, he said, "Thank you for ride, girl me not know. Me hope we never meet again."
"Such a shame too. I was actually warming up to you and wanted to cut you in on the Ladybug merchandise sales."
There was a pause.
Fu flashed his phone's flashlight in his face and acted like he was waking from a deep slumber. "Huh? What? Where am me? What happening? Marinette? Is you? Me remember who me am now! Is miracle!"
"Aha! I knew it!" Marinette grabbed his collar. "There are no merchandise sales, you phony!"
"AAH! NO!" Fu flailed and ripped off his own shirt to get away. He dove tackled Marianne onto the train just before the doors hissed shut.
"Stop! Stop the train!" Marinette ordered but it was pointless. The train took off with Fu and Marianne. The spurned girl roared, ripping apart Fu's Hawaiian shirt. "I will find you, Fu! You can't hide! Do you hear me? I! WILL! FIND! YOU!"
Clink.
Something metal dropped out of Fu's shirt. Marinette picked it up. It was a key.
Later:
212 said the key. It was a tiny key, much too small for a house door, but the perfect size for the public train station lockers. She found 212 and unlocked it. Inside waited the mystical record player, an old photo of Marianne, and a postcard that showed the Empire State Building. Under the Statue of Liberty was the hand-written note: Escape Plan.
A bloodthirsty thrill channeled through Marinette as she drenched everything else in gasoline and lit a match. The scent had been found. She'd give Fu a couple days head start. And then the hunt would begin. She moved to add the postcard to the flames when she spotted a small block of writing on the back.
Remember! Much of my life-savings in record player. Is lot of cash. Is enough to start new life. Do not forget!
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Later, at the Seine:
Marinette, covered in soot and bandages, accepted the ice cream cone Andre Glacier offered her. "Well, I just lost a lot of money. How are things going for you, Andre?"
"Wonderful, Marinette! I feel like a brand new man, as if I have been cleansed of an unholy spirit and can begin a new chapter in my life. You know that feeling?"
She spooned some of the cherry scoop into her mouth. It tasted blue. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I do." She joined the rest of her classmates by the Seine. They were already paired up. With a brave face, she passed Adrien and Kagami.
"So… just to be clear, you're not Ladybug?" Adrien asked for the fiftieth time.
"I am not, Boyfriend Adrien. Are you only dating me because you thought I was?"
"No!" Adrien grinned forcefully. "Let's kiss some more and forget I mentioned anything."
"Agreed."
Marinette hadn't heard that exchange. She'd already pushed forward, passing the other couples of her class. Juleka and Rose. Mylene and Ivan. Nathaniel and Marc. Alix and Max—
"Hold up." Marinette took a few steps back and stared at the last two. "Alix and Max? You guys are a thing?"
"We're more of a time traveler and her travel-buddy kinda thing," Alix said. "It was his one time travel favor."
"Indubitably," Max confirmed. "We've embarked on multiple enthralling historical adventures that boggle the mind."
Marinette continued to stare. "I feel like I missed an entire subplot," she finally said and moved on. At last, she arrived at the only person who sat alone, strumming a guitar. She took a seat next to him.
"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng," Luka said. "I've been searching for you. I came across something floating in the river in the aftermath of that nasty skirmish with Miss Bourgeois." He pulled out Adrien's lucky charm. "I believe this belongs to you."
Relief filled Marinette at the sight of it, but the moment was bittersweet. Just a few feet away, the boy who had given it to her was kissing Kagami. Marinette braced herself for The Beast to pounce. To her surprise, it only made the barest squeak, no more threatening than a mouse. There was no urge to eviscerate or claim Adrien for herself. She was in control.
Marinette took the charm, feeling its familiar shapes in her palm, and wondered what this meant.
"Don't fret, Miss," Luka assured, following her gaze. "I'm more than sure that given enough time the Young Master will—"
Marinette grabbed the neck of the guitar, stopping the music. "Let's do it," she said firmly.
"P-Pardon?"
She took a deep breath and tucked the lucky charm into her pocket. "Luka, let's give us a shot."
Everyone else's heads whipped around so fast that Juleka tumbled into the river.
Luka smiled. "Splendid!"
ROLL CREDITS
MIRACULOUS MIGRAINE
WRITTEN & EDITED BY
I Write Big
BASED ON
Miraculous: The Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir
Created by: Thomas Astruc
STARRING:
Marinette Dupain-Cheng…...A Recovering Yandere Who's Thirsty
Adrien Agreste…A Learning Rich Idiot Who's Horny
Tikki…... The Real Victim Here
Plagg…...The Mastermind Plotter Who Has No Idea What He's Doing
Nino Lahiffe...Happy to have Pants
Alya Cesaire...Still Not Over Nino
Kagami Tsurugi….…..Kuudere as Fuck
Luka Couffaine...….….…The Perfect Boyfriend
Lila Rossi….Liar Liar, Set This Bitch on Fire
Bridgette…..Yes, that Bridgette
Fu…..…..…..…..On The Run
Chloe Bourgeois…..Sentenced to 10 Years
Sabrina Raincomprix…...Attending to Chloe's Need in the Next Cell
Jean-Something...Downton Abbey
Andre Bourgeois…..…..…..Whipping Boy
Audrey Bourgeois...…..….The One Doing the hhhWhipping
Andre Glacier…..…..John Wayne Gacy
Ella and Etta Cesaire...The Intended Audience of Miraculous
Principal Damocles...The Actual Audience of Miraculous
Anansi Cesaire….….….…The Ideal Female Specimen
MID-CREDITS SCENE
"There. It's done," Gabriel said, putting away the duck tape. The Peacock Miraculous shimmered on Nathalie's chest for a moment, then became whole. They turned their attention to Duusu, still struggling in Nathalie's grip.
"No! Let me go! You can't do this to me! I'm Duusu! I will destroy you—" The same shimmering engulfed the kwami. There was the booting up bwommm of a macbook and Duusu was suddenly smiling a dopey smile. "Well, howdy-ho there, folks. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Duusu!" Nooroo wailed. "What have they done to you?! Speak to me! Tell me a Knock-Knock joke!"
"A what-what now? Sorry, neighbor, but I don't partake in such vulgarity. Humor is nothing but a shield cowards use to hide from their problems."
Nooroo gasped and backed away in horror. "You're monsters!" it shouted at Gabriel and Nathalie and flew off in tears. "MONSTERS!"
"I'm actually starting to feel better, sir," Nathalie said, managing to sit up on her own. That wasn't a lie. The aches were starting to fade and the faintest feeling in her legs was returning. She tried to pry off the Miraculous. No luck. It remained firmly attached to her like a leech. Then Gabriel put his hand over hers.
"Nathalie… what I said to Mayura… about us… I… I didn't—"
"I know, sir."
No more words were needed. She took his hand and squeezed. He leaned toward her. Their eyes fluttered shut and their lips—
"Ship!"
Both froze. They glanced at Duusu who was covering its mouth. "Oh, excusez-moi. I think I may have the hiccups—Ship! Ew. This feels yucky. Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship!"
Gabriel experimentally let Nathalie's hand go and leaned away.
Duusu's hiccups stopped. "Oh, I think they're gone—" Gabriel took Nathalie's hand, "—Ship! Gosh dang it! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship!"
He let go. Duusu stopped.
They went for a kiss.
"SHIIIP!" Duusu roared and radiated with Ultimate Power! Gabriel and Nathalie stopped and so did Duusu.
"That's going to be a problem," Nathalie said.
CO-STARRING
Gabriel Agreste…..A Sociopath Who's Just Realizing He Might Be The Bad Guy
Emilie Agreste….….….The Banana
Nathalie Sancoeur…...The Third Wheel
Nooroo….Nerfed
Duusu…..Lobotomized
Ape-Man…..The New Banana
Felix Graham de Vanily….….…Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat
Amelie Graham de Vanily….May Be A Worse Mother than Audrey
Marianne Lenoir….….….…Grandma Fetish
Mrs. Tsurugi….….….….…My Mom
Jagged Stone….…..….…My Dad
Miss Mendeleiev….….….…The Future Savior of the World
Trixx….….….…The Most Dangerous Game
Sass….….….…Owns Over 50,000 Rubber Bands
Pollen….….….…The Fourth Reich
Fluff…...The Only One Who Knows What's Going On But Can't Tell Anybody
Wayzz….….….…FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM!
The Adrinette Task Force….….….Worst Friends Ever
The Culinary Titans….….…Best Parents Ever
The Beast….….….…The Rancor from Star Wars
SECRET POST-CREDITS SCENE
Somewhere across the Atlantic:
The scorching sun beat down on the desert. A vulture squawked somewhere. In the seemingly endless plain of brown, a single weather-beaten shack sat under an old rusty windmill. In that shack, lounged a lone bushy-browed man, his leathery skin thickly tanned and his wiry hair whiter than snow. He finished off a beer and crushed the can as he flipped through the news channels.
"—and America is again on the brink of civil war for the 46th month in a row—"
Next channel.
"—flagrant voter suppression that isn't even trying to pretend to be legal—"
Next channel.
"—the leader of the white supremacist group said, 'We haven't done anything yet. This racism is on you guys—'"
He turned the TV off. Just another day in the good ol' US of A. Nothing to worry about. All was well. He grabbed another beer.
Then something crashed through his ceiling and smashed into his TV! He carefully stood and examined the crater. In the remains he found… a blonde wig. Intuition pricked at the back of the man's neck and he stroked his chiseled chin. He brought the wig to the far wall where the prophecy waited. The first image: a golden ball streaked with lines falling to Earth, crashing under the windmill. That golden ball was an exact match to the wig.
He'd always thought it would be a star.
The next image: a ladybug and a black cat eating sparkly hotdogs above a radioactive Statue of Liberty.
Under the indecipherable future waited a hexagonal box covered with Native American iconography. The man cracked open the beer.
"Oh shit, here we go again."
TRUE END
In loving memory of Adrinette. You were taken before your time.
RESULTS
Story Completed
SEASON 2
SEASON 3
Game Mode
EXPERT
Total Chapters
40
Total Views (FF+AO3+WP)
20,000+
Total Time
10.5 months
Total Marinette Crushes
4
RANK
SS
Unlocked
Ladybug: Astronaut Costume & Boyfriend (Luka)
Chat Noir: Astronaut Costume & Girlfriend (Kagami)
New Stages: New York & Shanghai & Brazil
And that's it. We've officially caught up to the series. Based on the fact that season 1 premiered all the way back in 2015?! WHAT THE FUCK?! I think it's safe to say Season 4 will be wrapping up around late 2022. Damn, these French bastards milk their shows for all their worth, huh? If I feel the urge, I may continue this fic when we're well into Season 5. Who knows?
Until then, dear readers, remember, I write slow, I don't write often, but when I do…
I Write Big.
