I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone my heartfelt gratitude for sticking with this saga. I love all the comments and messages I receive! Wishing you health and an abundance of happiness for 2021! God bless!
"Oh my God! You're soaking wet!"
Beth held the door open as I helped Sodapop in on shaky legs. Behind us Pony struggled, but didn't complain as he navigated himself and his crooked leg close behind.
"S-sorry, s-sis." Soda stuttered with chattering teeth.
Beth reached out to hold Soda's face by the chin, and the stern look on her face made me wonder if she was going to lay into him or not. She quickly glanced at me and her face softened, and then cocked an eyebrow.
"You're lucky you're cute. I'll get some water boiling for tea." Beth mumbled.
"Hot chocolate, Beth!" Pony's voice rasped out from behind, and I turned around to give him a grin.
"Of course, pumpkin. Hot chocolate it is. Get those wet skivvies off of him before he dies of pneumonia." Beth instructed before she headed towards the kitchen.
"C-cripes almighty! She-she's as bossy a-as you!" Soda griped as I pulled his right arm tighter around my neck.
"I heard that!" Beth called from the kitchen.
"C'mon, little buddy." I urged, but Soda dug his heels in.
"I-I ain't str-strippin' right here!" He looked at me indignantly, and I just rolled my eyes at his antics.
"'Course not, ya jerk. We're goin' to the bathroom. Gotta warm you up. Pony, think you can manage to grab a blanket for Soda?"
The twinkle in Pony's eye at my request for help gave me mixed emotions. His struggle to be 'normal' was one he'd had for years now, and on one hand it made me feel good to bring him a sense of being needed and useful. On the other hand, it was breaking my heart.
"I can warm it up even!" Pony smiled.
"Sounds good, little buddy. Why don't you change into some dry clothes while you're at it? Soda got ya all wet."
Pony nodded and headed for the bedroom without commenting on my own state, but I'd never be that lucky with Sodapop.
"L-look who-who's t-talkin'. Y-ya l-look like a dr-drowned rat." Soda continued to stutter as his body shook.
"Nobody's askin' the peanut gallery for comments. Let's go." I grumbled, which just made Soda laugh.
I frowned in spite of myself as I managed to wrangle his ass to the bathroom; shutting the door behind us for privacy. I tried to get Soda to lean against the wall while I turned the shower on, but it was as though his legs couldn't hold his weight, and he sunk to the floor.
"You okay?" I looked over to him worriedly, and he nodded as he waved his hand for me not to fuss. "Get out of those wet clothes." I ordered while I turned the hot water on full blast so it'd make a warm steam in the room.
I struggled as I yanked my own sodden layers over my head, and tossed the shirts carelessly over my shoulder while I contemplated the full feeling of my bladder and if I should just go ahead and use the toilet. We didn't exchange any words as I wondered how we were going to move forward. I sat staring at the water falling from the shower head with the sound of my brother shivering in his own skin when the bathroom door opened, and I didn't think of anything until I heard the sound of Ponyboy choking on a sob.
I turned and saw Sodapop.
It wasn't just the shock of really seeing him for the first time with no arm, but it was also the testament to the violence and brutality of what he'd survived. His left arm was amputated about three inches down from his shoulder; the skin wrinkled and scarred so much it made it look almost rubbery. What alarmed me just as much was the angry, red scar on his chest—raised and round, clear and obvious where he'd taken another bullet to his body.
A wound he never spoke a word of.
"Sorry, I forgot…" Soda reached for the t-shirt he'd taken off, but became distracted when Ponyboy sunk down in front of him.
"Can I touch you?" Pony's eyes were wet as he tentatively reached out towards Soda's stump.
"Nah, honey. It's ugly. Just lemme put my shirt back on."
The room was foggy with steam, but I could still see how self-conscious Sodapop was over his body and it shook me because Soda was never self-conscious over his looks or his physicality—ever. He seemed almost ashamed as he tried futilely to cover his stump with his soggy t-shirt, but thankfully Pony managed to take it from him and toss it away.
"Can I?" Pony asked again, and Soda shook his head.
"Just forget about it, Ponyboy. It's ugly. I'm sorry I upset you. Don't look at it." Soda was fighting to stay calm.
"They hurt you! I'm upset 'cause they hurt you! And Steve is gone 'n it ain't fair! And your arm ain't ugly. It's beautiful—you're beautiful and you'll always be beautiful and I love you so much! They did this and we thought you died! We thought you were dead and we wanted to die too, Soda!" Pony broke down into a sobbing mess.
"Alright now," Soda reached out to hold Ponyboy by the back of his neck so he could pull him closer; their foreheads pressed together. "Don't be gettin' all worked up. Y'know how much that scares me."
Pony continued to cry, but nodded before whispering, "please?"
And Soda gave in; nodding back with his forehead still against his brother's. I was suddenly submerged under the tidal wave; horrified to see how much despair Soda was in as Pony lightly traced his fingertips along the marbled flesh of his amputated limb, and a high pitched whine escaped from within my brother.
His eyes were squeezed tight, but his tears flowed freely on their own regard as his head fell back and the high pitched cry got louder. I'd never seen Sodapop so exposed. Naked as the day he was born, sitting on the floor, hunched in on himself with his suffering out in the open with nowhere to hide anymore.
The light tap on the door alerted me that Beth was there, and I couldn't take my eyes off my brother as I opened it but a crack; feeling the warm comfort of a heated blanket being placed in my hand.
"Darry, what's going on?" The worry on Beth's face was obvious, as the tears spilled over from wet eyes.
"He's okay. He's okay. We just need some time alone. I'm sorry." And I realized that my own eyes were no better at hiding my emotions.
"I love you," was all Beth replied.
"I love you too. It's okay, I promise." I sniffed before slowly closing the door.
I slowly knelt down next to my brothers and had to bite back my own need to sob as I watched Pony trace his fingers around where a bullet had pierced through Soda's chest, and then curled himself up into his brother as Soda's cries echoed off the walls.
I gently wrapped the warm flannel around Soda as he continued to howl, and I wasn't sure how to proceed except to tuck the blanket around him, and remain solid as a statue as I felt Soda begin to sink into me.
I thought I heard him yell out "daddy", but it was just my name garbled in with the tears and saliva as he was consumed with everything he'd lost, and my heart pounded as I pushed and pulled him—tugging and turning him around on that floor so that he could see on my face how much he meant to me.
"Shhhh…Soda…"
My voice broke as I tried to keep my emotions in check, but I just couldn't anymore. My hands cradled his head as he fell into me; Pony still wrapped around him like a cocoon.
I clung to him tightly like I always had, and let my hand fall from his head and move down—down his neck until I reached the top of the flannel where I gently pulled it loose. And my own hand glided down over the curve of his shoulder; downward until my calloused fingers felt the smooth bubbled scars where his left arm ended, and I held him there.
I heard him hiccup, but then he just sort of stilled while he let his brothers surround him, and I wasn't sure what he was thinking at that moment, but it became quiet aside from the sound of the shower running.
I held still for Soda and Ponyboy, not wanting to jostle or disturb them, and soon enough I could feel the weight of Soda sag deeper into me, and could hear his breathing deepen with the occasional hiccup.
"You still with me, Pony?" I whispered softly.
"Yeah," he whispered back.
The door opened slowly and I watched as Beth stuck her head in; her hand resting on her chest once she got a look at us brothers curled around each other like a litter of pups.
"What can I do?" She mouthed at me, and I nodded towards the shower so that she'd know to turn it off for me.
She quietly shut the door behind her as she stepped over and around us to reach the tub. The sudden silence worried me—I didn't want Soda to rouse and have another breakdown, but his breathing continued it's deep and steady rhythm, and I gave Beth a small smile of thanks.
"Greg called. I told him you brought him home. He said he had a quick errand and he'll be back." Beth whispered.
"I need to get him to bed. Pony, can you get things ready? I need a bit of room to carry your brother."
"M'kay," Ponyboy replied as he very slowly extricated himself from our brother; covering the parts of Soda with the blanket that had previously been shielded by him.
Beth helped Pony to his feet, and kept hold of him while they walked to the door.
"Take the bed, babe. I changed the sheets and threw a few extra blankets on there to make it nice and warm for Sodapop." Beth turned back once Pony had left.
"They'll be okay in their room," I started, but she cut me off with a sad smile.
"They need their big brother, Darry. They need you. There's more room and it's more comfortable. Plus I can keep my eye on you boys easier this way."
I huffed a small laugh as she rolled her eyes at me, and she snickered back. I couldn't help but think back to all those years ago when we'd met and when we'd fallen for each other, and she promised she'd never stand in between me and my brothers. Now we were here, and it was clear that she'd just become part of all of us.
"That's a good idea, doll. Thank you for doin' that."
"Of course." She smiled and then turned to leave.
It was a little reminiscent of how things were back before we were faced with a war and losing another friend; back before were were faced with losing each other. The bedside lamp was on to keep the monsters away from Ponyboy, but I was oblivious to its effort to thwart a decent sleep from being mine. I felt fucking exhausted, but I'm Darrel fucking Curtis Jr. and I didn't have the luxury of being exhausted. My brother needed me, so as part of me slept soundly, another part was still vividly aware and on guard to fight the fight that needed to be fought on behalf of the two souls that were sharing my bed with me.
It was Sodapop's turn to take up the middle, with Ponyboy tucked into his left side. Their heads were leaning into the other; always touching and always connected somehow whether conscious or not. Soda's right hand was turned up with his fingers wrapped around my own, and I memorized the wounds he'd carved out for himself on his arm, and let the fingers on my other hand follow the path up and down the scarred skin where he tried to take his own life. I wondered foolishly if it would help to end his pain before I closed my eyes again.
When I opened them again it was light. Soda lay awake with our baby brother sprawled half on top of him, but his eyes were watching as my fingers were still tracing the lines on his right forearm as though they were moving without my control.
"Why?" My voice cracked as my curiosity got the better of me.
Soda's eyes shot up to look at mine, and I wasn't sure if he'd shrug me off, try to bury his demons again, or tell me to stick it up my ass, but Sodapop had always been full of surprises.
"Didn't think I could come ever back." He whispered, turning his head towards Ponyboy to nudge his face against his brother's.
"Whadaya mean? Why would you think you couldn't come back?" My fingers continued tracing over his forearm and Soda didn't pull away.
"I killed people. They put a gun in my hand and I killed people, Darry."
"Soda Patrick Curtis, they threw you in the middle of a war! It was kill or be killed!" I looked at him incredulously.
"Still did it. I thought I was there to patch guys up, not take 'em down. That makes me a murderer, don't it?"
I couldn't let Soda slip away again as I felt him gently wrench his arm from my hand. I hadn't fought in his war, but the two of us shared a darkness that was never really spoken of.
"So am I."
Soda's eyes shot up to meet my own again.
"So am I, little buddy and even if the fuzz found out what happened to that piece of shit—even if they threw my ass in jail for what I'd done I wouldn't change a thing. Not after what he put Pony through. Not after what he would've done to you if Pony hadn'ta stepped in."
Soda sighed looking thoughtfully around my bedroom, and I didn't want anymore doubts in his mind.
"Soda, you survived. You did what you had to, and you're here. I can't sit here and pretend to know what you're going through. I've never had to lay down my life like you did—like Steve did."
"Ain't true, Darry." Soda curled his fingers tightly around mine and squeezed hard. "You been layin' your life down everyday for me 'n Ponyboy."
"But it ain't war," I started, but then broke out in a grin as I remembered how hard it was with Ponyboy when our parents first died, and how Pony and I only served to get on each other's nerves. "Well, not anymore, anyway."
Soda pushed his head back into the pillow and tried to stifle a laugh, and I chuckled in spite of myself while bringing my fist to my mouth, trying not to wake our little brother.
"I think outta all of us, you changed the most. I mean, Ponyboy yeah because of what that bastard did to him, but you…" Soda paused and smiled. "I never thought you'd let everyone see what I already knew."
"Yeah, and what's that?" I frowned; trying to hide my embarrassment.
"That you're a big 'ol teddy bear." Soda chuckled as I rolled my eyes.
It wasn't the first time Soda had told me that, and I wasn't sure if it was a compliment, or just his way of trying to embarrass the shit out of me.
"You still cold? How're ya feelin', little buddy? You okay?"
"Mhmm," Soda was still smiling. "Forgot Ponyboy's a little furnace. Y'know all those nights camped out in the shit and the rain I'd sit 'n wish for this—the three of us huddled together 'n gabbin' 'bout life and all that. Sometimes I'd wish so hard I'd fall asleep thinkin' y'all were really with me. When I'd wake up…" Soda's face became somber as he closed his eyes.
"I dunno how I feel, Darry. Right now I'm okay, but I don't know what's gonna happen five minutes from now. The doc in Florida kept mentioning to take things one day at a time or some bullshit like that. Maybe there's somethin' to it?"
"I think she was on to somethin'. What else can anyone do?"
"I guess so." Soda got a far-off look on his face as he turned his head towards Ponyboy.
"Part of me can't believe you're really here. When they came to tell us you died…" my throat closed off as I thought back to seeing the military car in the driveway, and all the shit that followed.
"I'm sorry for that. I wish I coulda changed that 'cause if it'd been me gettin' the news about you or Pony, I don't think I'd make it."
"We didn't." My voice croaked and I felt Soda squeeze my hand.
"What happened, Darry?"
I didn't know how to respond. He deserved an honest answer from me, but I knew Soda enough to know he'd take what happened, internalize it, and use it to hurt himself even more. My brother was hurting enough. He'd paid his dues—we all had and there was no use in wallowing over what was already done. Nothing could change what'd happened to any of us, but we could move forward together.
"Turns out Pony and I can't seem to function well without ya." I smiled softly at him as I shrugged.
"Don't try 'n sugar coat it, Darry." Sodapop of course knew exactly what I was doing.
I was protecting him.
"It was hell, Soda. It was hell on earth and I never wanna feel that, or go through that again. You know you two mean everything. My life ain't worth a pile o' crap without you two."
"And Pony…" Soda's eyes bore through mine.
"He had a real bad spell, but he's getting better everyday. With you home he'll be okay. We both will. We'll be okay." I squeezed his hand reassuringly.
"It's been awhile since I've felt right Darry, but this is the closest I've come since that night—since losin' Steve. I just don't wanna let you down." Soda's eyes spilled from nowhere and I realized how scared he was, and the pressure he felt being back home.
"Hey," I let go of his hand and let mine rub through his hair. "I ain't here to set you up to fail, little buddy. You've never let me down, you never could. You're my brother. You ain't doin' this alone no more."
"That don't mean I won't disappoint you. Bein' your brother don't make me perfect, Darry."
"Pretty damned close, if you ask me." I grumbled, wanting Soda to quit feeling so inadequate.
His laughter burst out unexpectedly, and it took me by surprise. I wasn't the only one taken aback by the boisterous sound filling the room. Ponyboy's head shot up from his brother's shoulder, and he looked on at his brother with an exhausted curiosity that had Soda laughing harder. The corner of Pony's mouth slowly curled up as Soda continued to laugh, and I could feel a smile start to shape my mouth too.
Soda caught his breath, his arm moving up to hold Pony's shoulder while he took a deep intake of air.
"God, I love you two." His voice cracked as his eyes spilled over before he closed them.
