Force Dyad

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A/N-thank you very much to everyone who kindly read and reviewed the last chapter.

Chapter Forty-Nine-Falling Apart

After a tumultuous few hours of vivid disaster-fuelled dreaming Ben was more awake than if a blaster bolt was fired by his ears. Commonly he remained in the inkiness, willing himself to return to sleep, unpleasant though it was. But he struggled. He lay still, becoming irater at his sleeplessness, and so decided to rise and start his day. He could get a lot done before the sunrise: exercise, food preparation, meditating. His personal organization was the envy of Tai and Hennix; but he'd give it all away to slumber until breakfast.

It had been three days since Rey had left with Han on their mysterious trip to destinations unknown in the Falcon. There had been no resolution to their argument before she went, and this plagued Ben, the thought that she was out there somewhere thinking he was angry with her. As soon as he walked away, he had regretted his outburst. Of course, she had a right to privacy. He had no right to question her every move, even if he was hurt.

If he was being honest, he hadn't overcome the trauma of what had happened at the jedi temple when he had so nearly lost Rey. Even though it been nearly two years he was still tormented by what could have been. It made him overprotective, more anxious when they were apart for too long. It had been different when he went to Naboo, even though he had fought with his mother for Rey to go with him, at least when he was gone, he knew that she was safe on the base. This trip with Han was something else altogether. Not only had she chosen to go without him, but he knew how reckless his father could be. What if this recklessness led to some sort of catastrophe and he wasn't there to save her?

In his quieter, more rational moments Ben knew he was being ridiculous - as Magda had pointed out to him once, Rey was well able to take care of herself - she was a seasoned fighter and a skilled pilot. She would be fine. And Han loved Rey like the daughter he never had. There was no way he would put her in peril needlessly.

Like he always did when he struggled with his emotions, Ben chose to bottle them up. But each day that passed, he found his head refused to cooperate. He tried so hard to focus on other things but it was like trying to run through water. His brain fogged up and his anxious thoughts went nowhere at all. One night he broke into his father's secret stash of Corellian whisky, anything to numb the pain, to wipe out the trauma. Then there were the times of clarity, sudden moments when he could see every detail and feel every feeling. The trigger could be something as simple as a wrong word, a turn of phrase, a smell and he would be right back at the temple, reliving the nightmare of Rey's loss all over again.

At the start Ben hoped it was a process to wipe out the bad memories, to stop him reliving them constantly. Now he learned it was not so simple. Locking down his emotions afforded some protection, but the price was the flashbacks and the times of confusion; the stronger the blocks became the more intense the flashbacks were - as if the neurones in his brain were fighting for their lives, anything not to wither away.

Those closest to him, like Tai, knew the warning signs. He had seen them in Ben before. He made sure to stay close to his friend, covered for Ben when he missed one of General Organa's daily briefings because he was nursing a hangover. Tai tried to get Ben to open up, but he remained stubbornly locked down, leaving Tai feeling frustrated that he couldn't reach him.

Ben didn't want to admit to Tai that his mental walls were crumbling, that he was once again hearing Snoke's insidious voice whispering in his head during his weakest moments. In order to combat the problem, Ben closed himself off more than ever, he trained harder, tiring himself to the point of exhaustion. He was desperate for sleep. Just for a moment's peace. It didn't work. It was then he knew that being tired could be a wearing of the emotions too, that it can come together with a tired body, and become an ingrained part of a life that isn't lived, but survived, endured.


One night, when Ben stumbled through the sliding doors toward his quarters on the Raddus after wrapping up yet another intense solo training session, he'd actually found his mother waiting for him. Leia sat with exaggerated nonchalance, sipping on a cup of Gatalentan tea, as if consuming such a rich drink was something a normal person often engaged in during the middle of the night.

He must look bad if even his mother had noticed.

Ben was greeted with a concerned smile from Leia. "How are you, Ben?"

Ben wasn't fooled. He tried to slink away from his mother after grunting a non-comital response, and had almost made it to his room before he was called back by the sound of:

"What's the rush, Ben? Why don't you sit down and talk to me for a spell? I could use the company."

Ben stared at her incredulously, and although he had obediently walked back in and hovered over a chair, he didn't actually sit in it.

"Mother, it's the middle of the damn night, I stink, I'm exhausted, and I've got to get up again in a few hours. Do you think we could save this conversation for a more convenient time?"

Leia gave him a knowing look that never failed to remind Ben of the time when he was six and had been caught with his father's blaster, a broken kitchen droid, and a guilty look on his face. Even though his twenty seventh birthday was just around the corner, the memory still made him squirm. It was weird how his mother, with just one look, could reduce him to feeling like a naughty child again.

"Well, I suppose we could, if you were actually around me for more then ten minutes at a time."

Ben sucked in a deep breath to contain his annoyance, but still managed to reply. "Well, maybe I would be around more often if you weren't so intent on moulding me into someone I'm not."

Leia blanched slightly at his harsh accusation. "That's not what I'm doing, Ben. I'm concerned. You're out training from the time the morning briefing ends until near day break every night. I'm worried that you're pushing yourself too hard…"

"You're the one always lecturing me about responsibility. I'm focusing all my energy on being the best that I can be and still that's not good enough." Ben broke in scathingly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed."

As the doors to his quarters slid closed behind him, a longing so strong it was almost blinding rose up inside of him. He missed Rey. He hadn't seen her in nearly five days, and suddenly he wanted to be with her so badly he couldn't breathe.

Ben threw himself down on his bed and closed his eyes. There was a tenseness to his muscles that made him more like a mannequin on the soft mattress than a man of flesh and bone. He wanted so much to melt onto the bed and drift into a dreamless sleep. Yet his brain remained a violent whirl of activity, trying to organize the chaos in his life. The talk with his mother had blindsided him. Like always, Ben questioned her motives, was she really concerned for his welfare or worried his recent behaviour meant he was straying off the path of the perfect jedi she had painted for him.

His defences were down and he was feeling vulnerable, Snoke chose the perfect moment to infiltrate his mind. Ben's face paled and a small whimper left his throat as he flipped onto his front and pulled a pillow over his head in an attempt to stifle Snoke's treacherous voice.

Ben was not okay, and suddenly, far away on Kashyyyk with Han and Chewie, neither was Rey.


Rey managed to hold it together fairy well for the rest of the evening as she and Han celebrated their reunion with Chewie. Han rarely showed his sentimental side, but seeing his old companion brought his emotions racing to the surface. Rey had been enjoying listening to the old friends swap stories around the campfire until the bond opened and Ben had effectively shoved a spike of agony through her chest. With a high-pitched, strangled little cry, she had run off, desperately needing to find a place to be alone and think.

However, solitude wasn't an option when she had a concerned father figure and his Wookie companion hot on her heels. Chewbacca easily outdistanced Han with his longer strides and was the first to reach her. Without stopping to think, he scooped her up in his furry arms as if she weighed nothing more than a child. Rey was sobbing frantically by the time he caught her. Chewie whined softly, asking her what was wrong. Rey couldn't tell him. She had been affected by Ben's emotions before, but never to this extent.

"What's wrong?" Han asked, ashen faced.

Chewbacca emitted another soft whine, telling Han to give Rey room to breathe. Han nodded, leaving Chewie to carry Rey the rest of the way back to the campsite. By the time they reached it, Rey's cries had faded to breathless whimpers. Chewie sat down gingerly, cradling her in his lap, and stroking her hair as if she was a small child, and waiting for her to calm down enough to talk.

Han settled down opposite them. He peered at Rey worriedly. "What is it, kid? What happened?"

"I need to go back." Rey whispered. Now the hysterical sobs had passed, she just sounded tired, her voice muffled by the Wookie's thick fur.

"But why?" Han ventured to ask. He exchanged a confused glance with Chewie. "We've only just got here…"

Hot tears slid over Rey's fingertips. She looked at Han through blurred eyes. "I can't explain it. Please, Han, don't ask me anymore. Just believe me when I tell you that we need to go back. Now."

Han and Chewie exchanged another long look. They had no idea what was troubling Rey and she was clearly not going to elaborate. Eventually Han raised his eyebrows and shrugged helplessly. Whatever the reason, he couldn't deny Rey what she wanted. "Okay, kid." He said in resignation. "If that's what you want."

A/N-thanks for reading! Please review.