While a large number of people have expressed shock and dismay that Kazuma never defeated the Devil King, I will point out that since my grandfather's celebrated victory, no Devil King troubled the land until after his death. True, he perhaps does not deserve the credit he's given, but I think it's telling that I had to go help blow up the latest one now that my grandmother is getting up there in age. -NS
We emerged from the tunnel a few hundred meters from the smoking ruins of the fortress of the man formerly known as the Devil King. Despite the fact that he looked like a shut in NEET, Hanzo seemed to be in relatively good shape, having been parading about with all that heavy armor on for several decades. Even carrying around Megumin, he didn't seem too terribly winded.
"Right, so, here's our story," I said as we walked back towards the rubble pile. "Hanzo, you have been imprisoned by the Devil King for the past while, kept alive by dark magics and forced to use your Divine Item for the Devil King to recruit his army."
"I mean, that's basically what happened anyway," Hanzo agreed. He eyed me, looking perturbed. "So, what do I call you?"
"Huh? You call him Kazuma, like everyone else," Megumin said, peering around to frown at Hanzo. "Are you dumb? That would be unfortunate. You have a sufficiently dramatic backstory, but I do not why my fiance to be stupid."
"WHAT!?" Hanzo dropped Megumin, who landed with a thump in a sprawling heap. "What do you mean, fiance!?"
From her position flat on her back, Megumin grinned wickedly. "You have given me a ring. In the Crimson Demon Clan, that is a traditional sign that you wish to wed a maiden. As I accepted it, we are now engaged."
"But, but you threatened me!" Hanzo protested, sounding half panicked as he yanked at his hair. "This is terrible! I'm going to get arrested! I'm nearly 80, and you look like you're twelve! I'm a lolicon but it's not worth-" Hanzo moaned and fell beside Megumin, clutching at himself where she had just delivered a vicious kick to the family jewels.
"I am 15! A grown woman! How dare you disparage your bride to be so! Apologize!" Megumin ordered.
"S-sorry," Hanzo gasped, his eyes watering and snot running down his nose as he struggled to a kneeling position. "B-but, aren't you, you know, upset? I mean, I'm a dirty old man…"
"Well, you look like you're younger than Kazuma, and you act like it too, so as long as you keep your story straight, no one will notice. Besides, do you not wish to marry a beautiful and powerful maiden of the Crimson Demon Clan, who will become the Devil Queen that we might rule as the dark sovereigns of this land together?!"
Hanzo looked up at Yunyun and I, his expression that of a man who is scared, confused, and very aroused. And also, in a great deal of pain, though he was getting over that.
"Um, well, I mean, I think you two should take it slow, you've only just met," Yunyun said, blushing and looking worried. "B-but, you're both our friends, so…"
"Congratulations," I told Hanzo. "It's a tsundere. She's not going to leave you alone until you agree with her. Might as well enjoy the ride."
Hanzo blinked away his tears, and looked down at Megumin, cocking his head to one side. "Well, I mean...she is pretty cute…"
"Ha! I knew once I defeated the Devil King I would land myself a man!" Megumin declared. "Now pick me up! We need to work on your story. Kazuma's is boring. You see, this was not our first meeting. When I was but a girl, you came to me in a dream, revealing that you were being held captive by the Devil King to me, the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan. And so, I set out on my quest to master Explosion Magic, the only force capable of freeing you, and allowing me to save my one true love from the clutches of evil…"
You've probably heard the entire sordid tale, as Megumin got a series of books published about her supposed life and romance. The Legend of the Crimson Terror has been a best selling series since its inception. Arue and Hanzo actually write most of them as Megumin just dictates. Personally, I can't stand them, as the prose is so purple as to be ultraviolet, but someone must like them.
I'd say poor Hanzo, but he actually seems to be rather content with his lot in life, even if it's often to be Megumin's chauffeur to and from her latest pyrotechnic displays. Poor man lost millions to her Explosion, and despite the best selling books they're perpetually impoverished due to having to pay off various debts incurred by Megumin's reckless use of her magic.
We should just all be grateful they never succeeded in raising that army and conquering the world, and instead spent all their time killing every single Demon Lord that looked like they were trying to become the next Devil King. Apparently, there is nothing Megumin hates more than competition.
Anyway, we arrived at the ruins of the castle to find the others frantically digging through the rubble.
"Sorry for the bother," I called, causing Aqua to pause in her weeping as she picked up and threw a block of stone nearly as big as she was. "Seems we made a bit of a mess after dealing with the Devil King."
"BIG BRO!" Iris cried, scrambling out of the rubble and tackling me in a hug. She even lifted me up over her head like some sort of baby. "You're alive!"
"So it seems," I said as Iris set me down, then I smiled and gave her a hug. "It's over, Iris. You can marry whoever you want now."
"Good, because marrying you would be super gross," Iris said, wrinkling her nose. She glanced at Yunyun, who looked as though steam were coming out of her ears she had gone so red. "Also, I wouldn't want to make my good friend Yunyun upset."
"T-that's good, I wouldn't want to have to kill you," Yunyun said sweetly. Iris laughed, I laughed. Yunyun didn't.
I have to remind myself every now and again I married a terrifying super-being, and not just Red Eyes of Friendship.
"So, you defeated the Devil King?" Eris asked, eyeing me, then Hanzo as she came over.
I met her eyes, and nodded. "He'll trouble the land no more: the Devil King has been vanquished. Though, really, I don't think I deserve all the credit, I just-"
"The true conqueror is none other than I, Megumin! For you see, after rescuing this poor prisoner, my heart burned with passion, and I-"
"Hey, who's this dork?" Aqua asked, coming over and frowning at Hanzo. "Have we met before?"
"L-lady Aqua," Hanzo stammered. "I'm er, you see-"
"This is my cousin, Hanzo. You reincarnated him here a bit before me. I'm afraid he's been a guest in the Devil King's palace, somewhat against his will, for the past while," I told Aqua.
"Wait, what?" Chris demanded, coming forward. She frowned at Hanzo, then Aqua, then looked to Eris, who groaned and put her face in her hands. "Ha! Oh, you have got to be kidding me! This is priceless!"
"What?" Aqua asked, looking worried. "What's so funny?"
"Your face!" Chris giggled.
"Sister, we do still need to regain your goddess status," Eris sighed, drawing her hands down across her cheeks. "Besides. We both should have known this was what would happen with Kazuma and Yunyun in the mix."
"And me! I am the TRUE victor here!" Megumin shouted, but no one was really paying attention to her, save Hanzo, who quickly nodded.
"Of course you were. You did blow up the, er, Devil King's castle…"
"What happens now, Friend Eris?" Yuki asked, looking concerned. "We have inflicted great pain, but now the Devil King is dead. What do we do now?"
"I'm not actually sure," Eris admitted. "Normally when an Adventurer defeats the Devil King, the gods arrive to grant them a wish."
"Well, that just means that Rista and Hestia are goofing off. Probably making out with their boyfriends or something," Aqua said, making a face. "They're totally gonna get dinged by the no boinking rule if they're not careful. You didn't do anything like that, right Eris?"
"Oh please, even as me we behaved ourselves," Chris snorted, rolling her eyes. "Not like it might not have been fun, but we were good little girls and followed Da Rulez. Even if Upper Management is a bunch of wackos."
"Right well, I guess my vacation is over," Aqua said with a heavy sigh. "Oh well. HEY RISTA, HESTIA, GET OFF YOUR BUTTS!"
At first, the rest of us merely flinched at the sudden bellow from Aqua. Until a golden glowing portal appeared in the air, and two goddesses stepped out of it.
"Yeah, yeah, what?" Hestia demanded, glaring at Aqua. "You finished or something? Or-"
"We defeated the Devil King," Aqua said, pointing. "Now we have to grant these mortals their wishes!"
"Wait, really? What, did that stupid Isekai Plan the Chief Goddess came up with work?" Hestia asked, peering at the rubble.
"I think it's a good plan," Ristarte muttered, flicking a bit of blonde hair out of her eyes. She studied us all, then blinked and pointed at Chris. "Um, Eris, I don't mean to be rude, but...who's she?"
"I'm Eris. But you can call me Chris. Aqua was an idiot, and granted my other half as this bozos divine object while, um, OK look. This isn't actually totally Aqua's fault," Chris admitted.
"I had sort of created an avatar in Belzerg," Eris admitted, picking up the tale. "When Aqua granted me as a Divine Gift, I was, well, I was goofing off a little and playing with Chris. Which meant when I was sent to Belzerg in my Goddess form, part of me was trapped in the mortal body as well…"
"Half. I got half," Chris insisted, then grinned and made a V sign by her eye. "The cool half! She's the lame, fussy priest half. But I'm the super cool Thief part! Anyway, Kazuma defeated the Devil King, so since he's a reincarnator, he gets a wish."
"I do?" I said, blinking.
"Hey, what about-" Megumin began, but Aqua clamped a hand over her mouth. "Shhh. Don't screw this up kid!"
"Wait, you only give the reincarnators wishes? That's dumb," Hestia said, frowning. "Well, there's three goddesses here-"
"-four!" Chris interrupted, but Hestia ignored her,
"THREE goddesses here, so he gets one wish from each of us," Hestia declared. "Aqua, you're the screw up, so you go first."
"I did not screw up! It's the pedoNEETs fault!" Aqua protested. Then she rolled her eyes. "Ugh, fine. You get a wish from me, Kazuma. But it had better be a good one!"
Chris and Eris turned to me, their eyes pleading.
I rubbed my chin in mock thought. "So if I were to wish for ten billion eris…"
"I'd kill you," Chris hissed.
"Normally people wish to go back to their home," Aqua pointed out. "You know, get brought back to life in Japan."
I made a face. "Pass. Fine. I wish for Chris to be restored to Divinity. Or whatever you call it. Make with the Apotheosis."
No sooner had I said the words than a golden slight began to emanate from Chris, and she was lifted up into the air. Aqua extended her hands to Chris, and a stream of rainbow light shot out into her body.
"By the power invested in me by The Divine Comedy Division, and Chief Goddess Suzumiya, I grant the wish of this mortal, who has defeated the Devil King and saved the world!"
Chris slowly descended, the glow fading as her feet touched the ground. She held up her hands, grinning. "Alright! I totally got my powers back! Blessing!"
I felt a rush of energy, and knew that I'd always hit the jackpot on any slot machine I played.
"Now, remember Chris. We've got a lot to do. Our followers have been without their goddess for a long time," Eris lectures. "We have to-"
"Oh will you relax? Sure, I'm the cool one, but I'm not going to abandon our followers," Chris said, rolling her eyes. "Not looking forward to the paperwork and catching up we'll be doing, but it'll be worth it."
"Right, I suppose it's my turn," Hestia said, stepping forward. She winked at me. "Now, I expect a good wish! Not something stupid like money! I mean, I get being poor sucks and all, considering my life, but this had better have to do with true love or something!"
I blinked, then looked to Yunyun, who smiled and hugged me. "We don't need a wish to have true love, we already have each other!"
I nodded, grinning. This was my chance! Here I come, 100 billion eris pay out! Just then, I felt a tug at my sleeve, and look to see Yuki hunched over towards my ear.
"Friend Kazuma, I have a favor to ask," he said in a noisy whisper. "I wish to be human, that I might marry my Master and continue to provide her with pain and pleasure for the rest of her life!"
"Pain?!" Hestia gasped. "What the heck does-"
That was when Darkness let out a low moan, blushing. "I-if you would not mind, Kazuma, I...I would like for Yuki and I to be wed. I would consent to marry a robot, but we could not have children, and my father does wish for some...I have told Yuki I do not mind him as he is, but…"
I mulled my options over. On one hand, 100 billion eris. On the other, if there is one person (aside from Yunyun) whose bad side I did NOT wish to be on, it was Yuki's, as they view inflicting pain as a hobby and torture as a calling.
As always, I opted for the less painful path. "Well, you asked for True Love. What truer love could there be, than between a masochist and her sadist robot?" I asked, which made everyone wince and look away awkwardly.
Save for Yuki, who hugged me. "Oh, friend Kazuma! I can't thank you enough! I promise, I shall inflict as much pain on you as you desire. Provided my Master gives her permission, of course."
"Can't breathe," I gasped. "Need to still make the wish."
"Oh, yes!" Yuki stepped away, looking eagerly to Hestia.
"I wish for Yuki to become a real bunny boy," I sighed. "But keep his, er, unique skill set."
"Well, I mean...if that's what you're into," Hesita said, wrinkling her nose. "Fine. Yuki shall be metal no longer. Become flesh!"
Instead of glowing, Yuki just stood there. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, he gasped, holding up a hand. Slowly, it started to change, a rippling wave of energy passing over it. The wave spread across Yuki's body, from his arm down his legs, then up to the tips of his ears, which twitched wildly. He reached up and grabbed them, running his fingers over the downy fur. "I can feel it! Oh, Master, look, I am a real boy now!"
With a happy cry, Darkness wrapped Yuki in a hug, squeezing him tightly. "I promise, I'll give you as much pleasure as you do me, Yuki."
They were happily and disgustingly married for 50 years. It would have been longer, but even at 68 Darkness insisted on picking fights with the most horrifyingly powerful of monsters. She died with her boots on, as they say, which is as stupid a way to go as any, even if she did save that village from a windego. Yuki died about a month later. Just didn't get out of bed one morning. I don't exactly know how old he was, but he was older than most rabbits, that's for sure.
And so Ristarte turned to me, smiling. "Well, you have given two wishes for others, Kazuma Sato. What is it that your heart desires?"
Obviously, what my heart REALLY desired was 100 billion eris. But then, I looked around at my friends, looking at me expectantly. I glanced at Yunyun, who was smiling and holding my hand, and I realized something:
If I wished for 100 billion eris, I'd lose this. For some reason, and I still can't fathom why, these people all liked me. I had to think of something else, something useful.
Which is why it's so bloody typical that I spoke without really thinking about it.
"I wish for Yunyun to be the greatest chief the Crimson Demon Clan has ever known."
Sometimes I wonder just what is wrong with me. I was given three no strings attached wishes. I could have asked for anything. Money. A complete collection of Playboy Magazine. A Nintendo Switch with every game and unlimited battery life. Or perhaps an actual harem. Then I remember the kiss Yunyun gave me after that, and I know exactly what's wrong with me.
I was thinking with Arthur.
"Your wish shall be granted," Ristarte told me. "Together, you and Yunyun will lead the Crimson Demon Clan into a new age of prosperity and happiness. Now, I am afraid we must depart. I have my own worlds to watch over."
I turned to Eris, feeling a sense of sadness I didn't think I would. After all, I was getting rid of her. No more insane quest to kill the Devil King. It was over.
"I suppose this is goodbye, then," I said stiffly, giving Eris a slight bow.
"Oh, I don't think so. I think Belzerg and the rest of this world will need checking up on. You most of all, Kazuma. Someone's got to help Yunyun make sure you behave," she told me with a wink. "I'll be around."
"Wait, we can do that?" Aqua asked, surprised.
"I do it all the time," Hestia laughed. "I live with my Familia after all! Even if we're small, we're mighty! You just gotta use a time dilation spell and get your work done while your body sleeps at night."
"Sweet!" Aqua said, a wide grin blooming on her face. "I'm totally coming back. I wanna see the Crimson Demon village. Plus, Cecily and I didn't get to hang out nearly enough."
That announcement made Cecily's expression resemble that of a deer caught in the headlights, but she managed a manic grin and nod as her left eye twitched slightly. "I...I look forward to it, Lady Aqua."
"I'll be sure to get a tab going for you at Nerimaki's bar," I told Aqua, hiding an amused grin. If nothing else, having Aqua around is always good for a laugh or two, and she's never tried to drag me into danger. I imagine my life would have been a lot easier if she had been my bonus instead of Eris.
There were hugs all around, apparently Yunyun is OK with goddesses giving me a squeeze, and then our friends said goodbye, and departed through a portal back into the Divine Realm.
"Well," I said, looking around at the devastation and scratching at my head. "Now what?"
"I guess...I guess we go home?" Yunyun said, frowning slightly.
"Hmm, probably," I agreed. "Probably need to swing by Axel first though."
"But, we live in Axel," Yunyun pointed out. "That's where the mansion is."
"True, that's why we'll need to get a realtor. I don't want to go through the bother of selling it myself," I mused.
Iris frowned at me. "Why are you selling the mansion, Big Bro?"
"Well, I'll hardly need it," I pointed out. "I assume you're going back to the capitol. You do have a palace there."
Sighed and nodded. "I guess. But you'll come visit, right?"
"I'm certain I'll find the time," I agreed. "And as for me, I did forget to ask for one wish while Eris was here, but I suppose now's as good a time as any."
"What wish do you have?" Yuki asked, frowning at me. "You shouldn't have used one on me if you had something you wanted, Friend Kazuma."
"Well, it's not really one Eris could grant," I admitted. Then, I took a deep breath, and knelt in the torn earth. I reached into my pouch and pulled out one of the jeweled rings I'd pilfered from the Devil King's hoard while we rescued poor Hanzo. I held the ring up towards Yunyun, who was gaping at me in shock. "Yunyun, I wish...I wish to marry you. Could you ever accept a scoundrel like me? I...you mean more to me than anything else in life. If you want to live in Axel in a mansion, we can do that. Or in a hut in the middle of nowhere. But I'd especially like to live with you, in the Crimson Demon Village. Would you...would you make me the happiest man alive?"
Instead of taking the ring, Yunyun threw herself on me, weeping and hugging me. I didn't get an answer out of her for a solid five minutes, but by that point we'd also been kissing for about five minutes, so I think I got the general gist of things.
That evening, poor Iris and Ravi made a variety of disgusted faces and noises, loudly complaining that their party members were all being "gross." They also looked at one another and blushed a few times, but both were also adamant that they were being mature and had no interest in one another. Iris finally got fed up with things and challenged Ravi to another fight, which she lost, badly. Or so she whined about the next day. I wasn't really paying attention.
Our two poor young wards were, of course, the only people who hadn't managed to find a romantic partner on our quest. Or, well, rather, it would take them about three more years to get there, then another year of Iris displaying some rather impressive tsundere traits before Ravi won her over. I honestly think she just wanted to "win." Which makes sense that she was the one who proposed to him on her 16th birthday.
Vanir, despite his earlier complaints, did not seem to mind the extra attention from Wiz at all, and they ended up retiring to their tent before anyone else. Apparently, spending several decades as a lich meant that Wiz was making up for lost time now that she had a mortal body back. Their first child was born almost nine months to the day after her resurrection. Brod has his mother's sweet disposition, but thankfully his father's business sense. He's done rather well for himself in running Wiz and Vanir's Shop and Sundries, even rising to a prominent position on Axel's merchant council.
Despite the fact that she'd known Hanzo for all of about three hours, Megumin took some manatite, then had him take her for a "walk" in the star light. Considering said walk lasted several hours, it doesn't take a genius of the Crimson Demon clan to realise she lured him to his doom out there. If Hanzo wasn't already her loyal slave/general, he certainly was a willing first recruit to the Crimson Terror's army after that. Actually, aside from Komekko and the two sister's assorted pet demons he's basically the only recruit.
For the sake of all of our sanity, Darkness and Yuki also took a long walk away from the wagon. If they also took Yuki's weapons and some of us heard strange noises in the night, we were polite enough not to remark on such things.
As for Cecily and Claire, they both had a few glasses of wine, then vanished for the evening. Despite the changes to how the religions of the world worked, some prejudices don't disappear overnight. When they returned to the capitol, both found doddering old husbands who didn't ask questions when two young brides who had helped defeat the Devil King accepted their offers. They both had two children each, at which point their husbands had the decency to die. I think it was of old age, but Claire does have a vicious streak. Neither ever remarried, at least publicly, and no one has been stupid enough to comment on the fact that the two young widows moved in with one another in Alcanretia and raised their children together. Well, not after what happened to Alderp, anyway. No one missed him at any rate. Claire's a bitch, but even I have to admit she does good work when she puts her mind to it.
As for me, well, after everyone else wandered off, leaving the two of us alone, Yunyun took me by the hand. I realized I had unlocked her H Scene, and felt nervous and worried. I dragged my feet a little as we made our way towards her tent, and she noticed.
"Kazuma? Do you...did not want to…?"
I swallowed, and shook my head. "No, I just...I have a hard time believing you actually love me, Yunyun."
"Kazuma, you're my best friend. And...and we're going to get married. I think...I think I want to spend the night with you. You're not…you don't mind?"
"No, I do too, I just...you're not still mad at me, right? I mean, you did take a bath with me when you thought I was gay. That was...well, that was pretty lewd of me."
Yunyun's eyes glowed in the night. "Kazuma, I think I'm going to show you just what I wanted you to do during that bath."
It turns out, I'm not the only one with a filthy mind. Yunyun's quite creative and vocal when she wants to be. She just has to get comfortable first. For example-
I'm ending things there. Kazuma was remarkably frank in some of what he said. I nearly burned these pages when I realized what was going to happen, but instead I gave them to my grandmother and she decided what was suitable for someone beside her to read. Apparently, she rather enjoyed reading them, after a good cry that is. -NS
