Months ago, when he was first crowned king, Arthur had decided to promote Merlin. Honestly, Arthur had meant to do it a long time ago. He had written out the decrees of nobility and wondered what Merlin would like most. Land? Money? Titles?

'Maybe if I worked with Merlin and taught him to use a sword, or perhaps a bow, I could make him a knight? The servant charged headfirst into danger as it is. He could at least wear some armour and swing a sword while doing it.' Arthur reflected with amusement. He had tried to ask Merlin a few times, too.

"Now, tell me, Merlin... if you could have anything your little heart desires, what would you want?"

"Oh, so now you care about what I want, eh?" Merlin teased, lifting an eyebrow in a fashion increasingly similar to the old physicians. He milled around Arthur's room, clearing the dinner plates and munching on the leftovers. Ever since the sausage incident, Arthur had always left a few pieces of each portion, sometimes even half of the plate untouched. If Merlin noticed, he hadn't said anything about it. He just popped a piece of roast chicken into his mouth and barely avoided knocking over the wine. Again.

"I'll alert Gaius! You might be coming down with something. I've heard of this before... I believe it's called feelings, sire."

"I did not say that! I'm just wondering if you have any ambitions besides cleaning my boots?"

"Ambitions?" Merlin paused and glanced up at Arthur, who was leaning against his bedpost in faux carelessness.

"I don't know, Merlin! Most men want riches, or land, or power. Fame and fortune. Love, victory, health. Immortality."

"Well, I'm not most men."

'Of course, you're not, Merlin,' Arthur had thought, 'that's why it's so bloody hard to think of something to give you.'

"I know that!" The blond sputtered indignantly, "I'm just wondering. I'm bored, that's all. I need some entertainment, or my brain is going to melt out of my ears."

"What brain?" Merlin jested, clearly taken aback by the personal nature of the conversation. When Arthur refused to take the bait, he sighed and resumed stacking the plates. "I want peace. I want those I care about safe and healthy. I want…"

"Yes?"

"Well, a day off now and then wouldn't hurt!" And with a wink and a dramatic sigh, the sliver of honest openness Arthur had drawn from Merlin slipped away.

"You would live as a servant the rest of your life? Seems awfully boring. What else?" At this point, Merlin could say he wished to be the king, and Arthur would step down for him. 'Maybe.' Arthur thought, 'Just something to make this guilt go away.'

"Oh, you never let me get bored, do you? I have to save your arse weekly!"

"You would serve me for the rest of your life?" This time Arthur couldn't join in on the game.

"Well, who else would hire me? Apparently, I'm the worst manservant in all the Five Kingdoms."

"Merlin -"

"What about you, Arthur? What do you want?"

Arthur hadn't known what to say. There were lots of things he wanted but nothing he could confess. So he called Merlin a 'girl's petticoat', threw a pillow at him, and told him to 'go help Gaius or something if you're so eager to be of service.' Merlin had laughed but hesitated at the door.

"I'm happy to be your servant till the day I die, Arthur. You are my destiny."

And then he'd closed the door softly, and had Arthur held his breath as the sound of Merlin's footsteps faded. It was times like this that the king felt like he was drowning. A nagging thought pressed against the back of his mind. Frustrated, Arthur poured himself a glass of wine and drained it, trying to relieve the pressure.

So he and Merlin had stayed the same. Arthur kept up the persona of the rude royal, and Merlin played along as the bumbling servant. It was comfortable, and it was safe. And it was unchanging, unlike everything else in Arthur's life. He knew it was less than Merlin deserved, and he hated it, but he didn't do anything about it. He was too scared of change.

Now, Merlin stood frozen in the doorway of Arthur's chambers. The warlock looked like a wide-eyed fawn, his eyes round like saucers and his arms gesturing shakily to the mess. Arthur tried to feel guilty for the poor servant who'd have to clean it up later. Part of him hoped that they wouldn't. That they'd leave his room like this, so he had tangible evidence of his power and strength. But it still didn't feel like enough. All of the anger that boiled in him as he learned more and more secrets was overwhelming. Ygraine, The Great Dragon, Morgana, Will, Balinor, Excalibur, Uther, Freya, the Sidhe, the Griffin...

Everything that happened around him suddenly made sense. Things he'd been unaware of for years, his entire life even. But when he raised his head to look at Merlin, who kept more secrets than anyone, he couldn't convince himself to admit it. He wouldn't tell Merlin about Edith. Now, Arthur had a secret to keep. He had a power over everyone else, and they didn't even know it.

"I no longer require your services, Merlin."

"You what?" Merlin looked terrified. 'Perhaps he still thinks I am going to kill him...' Arthur thought.

"You are dismissed. Gauis will now be your sole employer. I would like you to study your magic with him as much as possible. I'll meet with Geoffrey soon to discuss more magic books for you. And I'm proposing a new position to the council tonight. You will be able to utilize your skills more there than you could as my servant." Hopefully, that would ease Merlin's worries.

"But… I've always been your servant…" Merlin shook out of his stupor and tried to follow Arthur's thinking. Was this a promotion? If Arthur was saying what Merlin thought he was... then he wanted Merlin to be his Court Sorcerer. To train under Gaius, who once held the position himself. It should fill Merlin with joy. He was finally being recognized. But somehow, it felt like a punishment.

"I no longer require a manservant. If you need anything for your apprenticeship please feel free to let me know at a later time. I have a meeting to attend to. Excuse me."

"Oh no, you're not going anywhere! It's been a week without a single word from you. Then I hear - from Gaius, not you, I might add! -that you've lifted the ban on magic? And when I come to thank you, I find your room looking like a bloody tornado went through it. We have to talk about this! You… this room is… it's destroyed! You don't think this is any cause for concern? You don't think it's a little important?"

Arthur hummed stiffly. As Merlin got closer he saw more of the physical damage done to the king. His hands were swelling, and surely he'd broken knuckles. Merlin reached out gently, and Arthur's grip loosened from the quill. His palms were bloody from crescent-shaped cuts, his fingers swollen and red. How Arthur was even moving them was a mystery and likely causing even more damage. "Arthur, your hands! We have to get you to Gaius! I know some healing spells, but I can't set broken bones. They'll heal wrong..."

"That's precisely why you should commit to your studies. I will visit Gaius after this meeting. You should leave, Merlin." Arthur shook his head and snatched his hand away. "I'm fine.

"No, you're not! Arthur, what are you doing?! What is going on? You're not acting like yourself. Is this because of my magic? Do you no longer trust me? I only use my magic for you, I swear it."

A little voice, the gift from kind Edith, whispered to Arthur. 'True.' Merlin wasn't lying.

"Yes, well, I believe we can both agree that your talents would be better suited to healing the weak and injured. Not scrubbing floors and polishing armour. For you to continue as merely a servant would be a waste."

"Merely a servant?!" Merlin was positively fuming now. He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced frustratedly. This was all wrong. He'd been so relieved when he heard the news: The ban on magic was lifted. But a thick shell of coldness and distrust still encased Arthur.

"If you would prefer another position or a recommendation for transfer, that is also an offer..." Arthur tried weakly. He didn't understand what Merlin was so upset about. He was trying to be respectful... to right his wrongs. But it felt like every word he said only infuriated the warlock more.

"Stop talking to me like that! I don't want another position! I don't want to be sent away! I'm sorry I lied to you, alright? I thought you forgave me. That you believed magic is good!"

"I also believe that your magic was meant for more than the chores of a manservant. Whatever you want, you may have it. Perhaps a job does not suit you... you have wasted many years looking after me already. Would you prefer an estate? To go home to Ealdor?"

"Stop talking to me like that!"

"Like what, Merlin?!"

"LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE!"

Arthur halted midstep and turned away from Merlin. He looked out his window to the knights' courtyard. It was true, he supposed. He didn't really know Merlin. He knew the clumsy servant boy, the character Merlin had presented for him. But now, knowing everything Merlin had done, both good and bad... It was hard to imagine that Emrys, the powerful man Merlin was supposed to be, was the same person as his faithful servant and trusted confidant. Merlin had done so much for him, suffered for him, killed for him. He should be grateful -and he was - but Merlin had also used him. He'd lied to him every day for years. Merlin told Arthur what Morgause said of Uther and Ygraine was untrue. He'd taken away Arthur's free will. Merlin had betrayed him.

"...Like you've forgotten our years together. Like you've forgotten everything we've been through. Like you don't even remember who I am, how to bicker with me, or how to be honest with me! Why won't you just talk to me, you fucking prat?!"

"... I appreciate everything you've done for me, Merlin. Truly, I do. I'm certain there are still many things I am oblivious to. I apologize for being unable to grasp the lengths to which you have gone for me. You are not to blame. However, I can not in good conscience allow you to waste your gifts as my servant. So when you have come to a decision, be sure to inform me." Arthur spun on his heel and marched past Merlin to the doors. He sighed, and his hand that reached for the handle floated uselessly in the air. "I believe you, Merlin. I've had my doubts about magic for many years now. You know that. And yet you lied to me..."

"YES, I LIED. I'M A LIAR. So do you hate me? Is that it? Do you want me to apologise?"

"No-"

"Well, I'm sorry! I'M SO FUCKING SORRY, ARTHUR! I didn't want to lie to you. I wanted to tell you. I swear I did. I was just scared... and I was selfish. I told myself I lied because I didn't want to make you choose between me and your father. That I would tell you when you became king. But then it had just been so long, and I was afraid to lose you. And everyone told me to lie to you because destiny was too important and you couldn't know yet. I know it was cruel... I feel so guilty, and you just won't look at me. You won't talk to me. I just want everything to go back to the way it was! I shouldn't have lied to you! I'm sorry." Merlin's voice cracked, and a tear slipped from his eye before he could stop it.

The two men stood, like ancient stone statues, unable to face one another. Arthur steeled himself and twisted to look at the warlock tiredly. Merlin bit at his bottom lip and searched Arthur's eyes for a spark of something recognizable. Suddenly, Arthur's face hardened. He stalked back to his desk and reached into the bottom drawer. Merlin heard a faint click. A secret drawer...

Arthur let out a wounded laugh, a choked hysterical giggle, and pulled out a thick and messy stack of papers. He threw them towards Merlin and up into the air, letting them float around the room.

"Is this what you wanted, Merlin?"

The warlock snatched a paper out of the air and flipped it around to read the messy scrawling. He froze, and his breath caught at the title.

To Dissolve the Ban on Magic

Draft No. 62

Merlin struggled to read the rest of the page, but it was covered in some sort of spilled ink. The date made the deep pit in Merlin's stomach feel even heavier. It was from three years ago. Arthur had wanted to dissolve the ban this entire time? Merlin stared at the frankly overwhelming number of parchment pages that covered the room.

"I came so close to repealing the ban, Merlin. It was at the forefront of my mind almost every day."

"I- really?"

"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset you. Not after you relatedly told me of your opinion on magic. That it was evil. Remember?'' Arthur's eyes bored into Merlin's, and despite himself, Merlin became defensive.

"I was just doing what I thought was best…"

"For who, Merlin? Certainly not for yourself. Or were you just that determined to make yourself the most unlikely suspect for sorcery? Your commitment is extraordinary."

"No, for you Arthur. I didn't think you were ready…" Did Arthur not understand how much Merlin had suffered? Everything he'd lost? Did Arthur think so lowly of him?

"I wasn't ready? So what was your plan, Merlin? Never tell me anything? Feed into all of my doubts and all of Uther's teachings? Then sit back and just wait for me to figure it out on my own?"

"The dragon-''

"The dragon you released on my city? That killed dozens of my people? Innocent people? That dragon?"

"How did you -" Merlin stiffened, and he felt his heart pound painfully against his ribs. How could Arthur know that? Merlin had only told Gaius, and the old physician would never tell a soul.

"I turned to you for guidance because you were the one person I thought I could trust."

"You can trust me!"

"You just wanted to use me, didn't you? To accomplish your destiny? To become more powerful. What do you want from me, Merlin? I don't understand you! Was I just a pawn in your game?-"

"No, I was protecting you, you ungrateful idiot!"

That seemed to trigger something in Arthur's mind. Suddenly, his angry and hurt expression was replaced by a calm and blank face. Merlin reeled and stuttered under the sudden distance and coldness.

"You're right, I apologise. It wasn't your fault, Merlin. You were doing what you thought was right. You couldn't trust me, and I'm sorry for that. I'll find some way to make it up to you."

"What? No, wait! I didn't mean that. What is this? 'It's not you, it's me?' That's not like you, Arthur!" Merlin's voice was hoarse and thick, quieter now, "Call me a traitor or yell at me or throw something or threaten me with the stocks! Just give me something! Are you firing me or breaking up with me, you big girl?"

Just a little smile… Merlin prayed. A retort. Embarrassment. An insult.

But still nothing.

"I'm still here, Arthur. I didn't leave you. I don't want to leave you. I don't understand."

Merlin stared at this odd version of Arthur. The blond man looked away uncomfortably and pulled open the door.

"I really must go. There is a dispute in court surrounding the repeal of the ban on magic. I am required. Goodbye, Merlin."

He wasn't even saying Merlin's name right. Not in the drawing tone, not with the first syllable exaggerated annoyingly.

Merlin couldn't find any more words to say as he watched his best friend and king walk away.