Chapter 49
"Howdy, Harls!" Killer Frost said when Harley and Red Hood dropped down onto the roof of Gotham Cathedral where they'd decided to meet up at the beginning of patrol with her Suicide Sqaud teammates.
"Hey, guys!" Harley said cheerfully. "This is my fabulous hubby, Red Hood!" she proudly proclaimed as Jason popped his helmet off to reveal his domino-masked face.
"These are the Frostee Freezes, babe," Harley giggled as she introduced him. "Leonard Snart and Louise Lincoln. And this is Jay," she said to her friends.
"Another J?" Louise gaped at her.
"Girl," Len said very seriously. "I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but have you considered therapy?"
"Shut up," Harley laughed, smacking his shoulder.
"I am a far superior Jay in every way," Jason chuckled as he reached out and shook hands.
"You'd better be," Ouisie sniffed, "or I'll freeze your balls off and pulverize them. And then your head."
"Dude!" Harley said, putting her hands on her hips. "My man is high quality this time," she pouted, "but thank you for having my back," she smiled with a more sarcastic sweetness. "Coulda used it back when I was with Jokes, but hey, who's complainin'?" she snarked.
"Hey, you were off your rocker back then," Ouisie said, shaking her head. "Plus, we weren't teammates. Every woman for herself - especially when one of 'em is with Psycho Killer Clown."
"Well, I guess that's fair," Harley grumbled.
"Sweet new duds!" Captain Cold said admiringly, taking in Harley's upgraded uniform. "And color coordinated, I see," he said, looking from Harley to Jason.
"Thanks!" Harley said cheerfully. "Gift from the Bat," she giggled.
"Get out," Louise said.
"For real," Harley shrugged. "A wedding present, he said."
"The man has good taste," Leonard said, noting Jason and Harley's matching khakis, although Harley's were skin-tight and not exactly lycra, either - something reinforced, by the looks of it. Bat-tech, no doubt.
"I shoulda known the Bat was gay," Len mumbled to himself under his breath with regret. "The red sleeves are a nice touch," he added as Harley twirled, showing off how her kevlar top appeared to match Jason's red jacket despite being all one piece.
"Plus that crown," Killer Frost ooh'ed over Harley's blue jester crown, bejeweled with giant red crystals.
"It shoots lasers!" Harley beamed, demonstrating. "Jay put 'em in."
"And smoke," Jason smiled as Harley's laser beams lit up the night.
"Oh, that is badass," Leonard said seriously. "I wonder if I could make one that shoots ice…" he mused, tipping his head to the side.
"You ain't the Queen," Harley said. "You don't get a crown."
"Bitch, I am a major queen," Snart chortled. "I could totally strut that on our next mission. Get me a nice little royal robe to go with it..."
"In blue," Ouisie agreed, nodding. "Lined with fur on the edges."
"Faux fur," Jason frowned.
"Obviously faux fur," Ouisie griped. "What, you think we're gonna go kill a polar bear, dumbass?"
Jason gave her a look.
"Insults are our love language," Leonard smiled peacefully at Red Hood. "It means you're family," he said as he reached out and patted Jay's arm.
"Oh," Jason said. "Well in that case, go fuck yourself, Frosty Girl," he grinned.
"There ya go," Ouisie beamed at him. "That one was totally weak, though. I feel unloved."
"Quityerbitchin', Ouise," Harley said easily, although her mind was clearly elsewhere.
"Ya know, Lenny," she said, tapping her fingers on her chin as she thought, "you are the boss of the Squad now when I ain't around. I suppose an ice crown would be acceptable, since I'm gonna be workin' behind the scenes from now on instead of goin' on the missions with ya. It won't usurp my regal power," Harley generously declared.
"Waller will flip her lid," Ouisie cackled with glee, making Jason snort.
"Waller?" Lenny scoffed. "Floyd is gonna shit himself."
"Not as much as Croc," Ouisie argued.
"Nah, Croc's a thespian. He ain't gonna blink at a crown," Leonard said knowingly.
"Twenty bucks?" Ouisie asked him.
"You're on," Lenny said, reaching out to fist bump her. "Harley? You in?"
She giggled.
"My money's on Arthur. He's gonna give you the biggest damn lecture you ever heard about not taking the mission seriously and our patriotic duty to be GI Joe."
"Hood?" Lenny said. "Care to make a wager?"
"I'll take Waller," Jason laughed. "My girl just took all her power away so the bitch is brewin' for a fight. She's gonna out shitfit everybody."
"You shoulda heard her when me and the Bat blackmailed her," Harley said to her friends on a happy sigh. "It was glorious. Made my week."
"I bet," Snart snorted. "So, one last patrol, huh, Harls?"
"For now," she smiled. "I reserve the right to call on you guys in the future. But you've been the best helpin' me out this week while Ba-tman was outta town," Harley said.
Captain Cold gave her a suspicious look which Harley returned with a guileless smile.
"Seriously, I really do appreciate you guys having my girl's back when I wasn't around," Jay said, though, distracting Cold and Frost from their curiosity. "I know Harley could've handled all of Gotham by herself," he said, making Harley grin in agreement, "but it made me feel a lot better to know she had backup," Jason said honestly.
"Anything for Harley," Ouisie said.
"Totally," Snart agreed.
"Amen, hallelujah," Jason said.
"Aw, guys," Harley said bashfully, hanging her head with a little embarrassment as she hugged her arms to herself.
"Face it, baby," Jason said. "You're the best."
"I ain't," Harley said, "but I appreciate you all thinkin' so."
"Knowin' so," Jason said in a lower, sexier voice, putting his mouth up by his wife's ear. "And I'll prove it to you later," he whispered, making Harley squirm in anticipation before turning her head to catch Jay's lips in a hot kiss.
"I so need a man," Leonard groaned in envy as he and Ouisie looked on.
"We're gonna getcha one, honey," Killer Frost said comfortingly. "Tomorrow at the club."
"We'd better," Snart sulked.
Patrol had been fairly routine for the first few hours, much to the boredom of the Batlings running conn in the Batcave, until their ears perked up when Captain Cold's voice came across the comms with an "Aw, shit."
"What? What?" Steph said eagerly into the mic.
"What's the situation, Captain Cold?" Tim said briskly.
"Unless my eyes deceived me," Leonard sighed, "I just caught a glimpse of fucking Polka-Dot Man."
Steph squealed in excitement, although not into the comms. Damian gave her a reproving glance, but even he sat up eagerly in his chair and placed Osito on the console so that Bat-Mite could have his hands at the ready for instantaneous action.
"Where'd he go?" Red Hood's voice crackled across the comms.
"Dunno," Leonard said back. "Thought I saw him and then he disappeared."
"HOLY MOLY! Heads up!" they heard Killer Frost exclaim over a torrent of background noise.
"Put your video feeds on," Harley ordered her team.
A second later, Tim, Steph, and Damian were peering into the Batmonitors to a visual of a shooting geyser of water, apparently bursting forth right in the middle of a Gotham street.
"I got the manhole cover!" Frost crowed with pride, motioning on her cam to where she had caught the heavy metal disc with an icy blast before it could end its unexpected launch with a crashlanding on the pavement - or worse, on top of a pedestrian.
"Good catch, Ouisie!" Snart cheered.
"Freeze the water, too," Harley said. "That's too much comin' out, it's gonna flood the street."
"I don't like the looks of this," Red Hood said. "What's he up to?"
"We're down in the Financial District," Snart said as he blasted the water spout solid with his Ice Gun. "Maybe he's trying to flood it?"
"Yeah, me and Lenny weren't supposed to be working tonight," Ouisie said. "Abner couldn't have known we'd be here to freeze the water."
"One manhole isn't enough to flood more than the street, though," Harley said. "Unless he's gonna detonate more."
"I'm pulling the Public Works overlay up," Tim said into the comms as he drew up the city map on one of the Batcomputer screens. "Linking it into your phones now, team."
"I don't think Krill's end goal would be to flood the Financial District," Steph said as everyone scanned the maps, watching for further signs of chaos. "He's Polka-Dot Man. Flooding just one neighborhood seems like a pretty lame stunt for him to pull."
"Batgirl's right," Robin said. "No way would that go viral. Polka-Dot Man is an attention-who- hungry. Person. Attention hungry person," Tim carefully edited to Steph's giggles as he eyed Bat-Mite, whose eyes were glowing with excitement as he perched on the edge of his seat, gaze glued to the map.
"Indeed," Damian said. "The Financial District is not circular, thus it would not fit Polka-Dot Man's obsession with circles."
"I like your reasoning, Batlings," Harley said. "Thinkin' like a psychologist. Wonder who ya got that from?" she said with pride.
Tim and Steph grinned at each other, but Damian just tutted and shook his head dismissively while continuing to regard the Batcomputer screens.
"What if Krill loops up to the Fashion District, too?" Red Hood said. "If he directs the water towards City Hall, plus has the Financial District underwater, it could make a circular flood around Grant Park, if he somehow manages to keep the park dry."
"We'll go check out the park," Captain Cold said over the comms. "See if there's any sandbags or anything set up around the edges."
"Roger that," Harley said.
Tim pulled up the security cameras for Grant Park while Cold and Frost shot over to it, Ouisie dragging Leonard by the hand along her icy skytrails to get him there as quickly as her.
"Oh, no," Robin said. "There's a traveling carnival set up in the park with a mini Ferris Wheel."
"Dammit," Harley groaned. "Abner's probably gonna ride to the top of it with a spotlight on him while his flood donut swirls around him. Hood and I are on our way," she said.
Tim, Steph, and Damian watched the screens intently as Snart and Ouisie came up to the park.
"Harls?" Captain Cold said. "I'm not seeing any sandbags or waterproofing around the park perimeter."
"Let's fall back a little and check further out," Ouisie said, racing off again with Leonard in tow. "The park ain't a perfect circle; maybe he set them up a few blocks away to get the shape right."
"Look who's being all scientific," Snart chuckled at her.
"Shuddup!" Ouisie pouted. "Just cuz I know what a circle looks like does not mean I am putting my college degree to good use."
"Whatever, Dr. Frost," Lenny teased her.
Ouisie abruptly dropped Leonard's hand at the top of her ice cliff, causing him to slip and fall on his ass and ungracefully slide down her fifteen story frozen ramp. Damian giggled appreciatively from the Batcave.
"Frostyyy!" Len whined as he came to a stop at her feet. "If I bruise my butt, how'm I gonna dance tomorrow night at the club?"
"I am no longer Dr. Lincoln," Ouisie sniffed, "so I cannot answer your stupid question. Come on, lazybones. Quit holdin' us up," she said as she grabbed Captain Cold's hand again, hauling him to his feet and dragging him off after her.
"You're the one who pushed me," Snart pouted as they zoomed across the ice.
"I didn't push you. All I did was let go of your hand," Ouisie countered.
"Ohmygod," Tim groaned in the Batcave off-comms, hanging his head and covering his ears with his hands. "Can they do one thing without fighting like children?"
"We are children," Damian pointed out to Tim and Steph, "and we do not argue with each other like the Suicide Squad does."
"We're exceptional children," Steph said wisely. "Superior to all of our peers."
Tim side-eyed her but Steph's expression was totally serious and Damian was nodding his little head.
"That is true, Batgirl," he said. "That is why Father and Grandfather homeschool me."
"I know," Steph nodded back. "You would put your classmates to shame with your intellect and abilities, Bat-Mite," she said. "They'd get very depressed and envious."
Tim actually turned his whole head to look at his girlfriend now, but Damian was puffing up like a little penguin and looking quite pleased with both himself and Steph.
"I believe that you, Robin, and I will make a most outstanding team one day when Timothy is Batman and I am Robin, Batgirl," Damian said with thoughtful pride. "We shall work together most cohesively as a capable unit."
"We will," Steph agreed, looking at Tim pointedly.
"Yes," Tim quickly agreed, turning to Damian. "Steph and I are super lucky that you're so mature and talented, Damian," he said quite nicely. "We're going to make a great team one day."
Damian smiled and swung his little legs as he turned his attention back to the monitors, which as of yet had showed no further activity on the part of Polka-Dot Man.
Harley and Jason were still making their way down to the park, since they'd been in Crime Alley at the other end of Gotham, when Killer Frost came back in on the comms.
"Guys, me and Lenny ain't seein' nothin' anywhere that would stop a flood. Maybe this ain't got nothin' to do with Grant Park after all."
"Another manhole just blew," Tim exclaimed as the Public Works map lit up. "Just north of Miller Harbor."
"We'll head up that way and freeze it," Snart said.
"We're not far from there," Harley said. "We'll meet up with you and search for clues."
"No sign of Krill on any city cams yet," Tim said. "I'm pulling up the footage from the traffic cams around the second manhole from about five minutes before it blew, but I don't see Polka-Dot Man anywhere."
"He might be in the sewers," Red Hood said.
"Somebody could get killed if a manhole cover lands on them," Harley said with concern. "We gotta figure out what his pattern is."
The minutes ticked by without incident as Captain Cold and Killer Frost froze the second water geyser and were joined by Red Hood and Harley, who scanned the area with them before heading off to the next closest manhole so they could climb underground and investigate.
"You two stay above ground," Harley said to Cold and Frost. "Keep freezin' whatever Abner spouts off."
"Will do," Snart said.
Ouisie nodded as Harley and Red Hood disappeared into the sewers.
"Thar' she blows!" Tim suddenly yelled into the comms, making Jason laugh. "South Burnley."
"On it," Snart said as Ouisie took off with him in tow.
"Well, so far these three make a curved arc," Steph said, looking at the map. "Krill could be planning to go all the way around Gotham in a circle."
"Too predictable," Damian scoffed. "Polka-Dot Man may be a comparatively minor villain, but he thrives on creativity. I would advise against Snart and Lincoln moving west in anticipation of the next target."
"I'm inclined to agree with Bat-Mite," Red Hood said. "Plus, if he keeps following a circular trail, that's gonna land us close to Arkham, and Abner could have some kind of trap set up there with other inmates."
"Wait a second," Tim said. "Krill escaped from Arkham, right?"
"Yeah," Harley sighed. "And that's gonna be a real fun clean-up job for me, dealing with whoever helped him," she groaned.
"Sucks to be the Queen," Leonard teased, getting a raspberry blown at him across the comms.
"Ok," Tim said, "but why did Krill go all the way to the other end of Gotham to blow his first manhole, if he was going to loop back closer to Arkham with the next two? Why didn't he start with Burnley?"
"That's got to mean something," Steph nodded eagerly.
"I have deduced a second clue," Damian said, nudging Tim's elbow. "The first three manholes do not create a perfect curve."
"Maybe it was the best he could do," Tim said. "There's only a limited number of manholes in town to work with."
Damian shook his head.
"I do not believe Krill would be so amateurish as to resort to imperfect circles. Circles form the basis of his identity," Damian said.
"Bat-Mite's right," Harley said. "Abner is way obsessed with circles because of their symmetry. He ain't gonna do anything that isn't perfectly circular. It's part of his illness."
"Looks like Krill had a pretty complicated setup down here," Red Hood chimed in from his and Harley's sewer recon. "He's got a giant metal pipe hooked up to the manhole that goes even deeper underground than the sewer floor, and the pipe's kind of hot to the touch, but I can't figure out why. I don't see a power source or any heating elements on it."
"Get out of there," Tim said suddenly in a panic. "That's how Krill created the geyser. The pipe goes below the water line and he's heating it at the base to boil the water. It's going to erupt again as soon as enough steam builds up and with the ice blocking the top of the tube, the whole pipe might explode instead from the pressure."
"Yeah, ok, we are racing the fuck outta here," Harley yelped over the sound of feet quickly splashing through the currently shallow water of the sewer. "We'll get Abner to tell us where the power switch is once we nab him. I ain't looking to be killed by a wet'n'wild pipe bomb today."
"Ditto for me," Red Hood said as they ran.
"Cold, Frost, hold off on freezing the Burnley geyser," Tim ordered. "Freezing it might make matters worse for the city if the sewers start to flood from the exploding pipes."
"Eh, I think we should still freeze it," Captain Cold said. "It's not safe to have boiling water erupting all over the place. People are gonna get hurt."
"I agree with Captain Cold," Batgirl said.
Damian clicked around on the Batcomputer.
"A number of ambulances have already been dispatched to Burnley for injuries related to the boiling water," Damian announced.
"Ok, freeze it then," Tim sighed. "Hopefully we can figure out how to turn the heat off before the geysers erupt again."
"We should alert Commissioner Gordon," Batgirl said. "Ask her to keep Public Works crews out of the sewers for their safety."
"Good thinkin', Batgirl," Harley said. "You kids take care of that. I'm gonna make some calls over to Arkham while we wait, see who might be able to give me a lead about what Abner's endgame is."
"We just got to the Burnley geyser," Captain Cold said. "Freezing it now."
"Hang out by the Schwartz Bypass after," Tim said, "in case you need to get back downtown quickly for the next manhole, but there's no sense in leaving Burnley until the next geyser blows, in case it's closeby."
"Okey dokey, Batbrat," Killer Frost said, prompting an eye roll from Steph and a rude noise (albeit off-mic) from Tim.
"I believe we should assume that Polka-Dot Man is setting the geysers off on a timer," Damian said thoughtfully to Tim in the privacy of the Batcave, "since Red Hood did not find an obvious on-switch to heat the pipes."
"That would make sense," Tim agreed. "But that means Krill could be anywhere in the city."
"We have to figure out the pattern," Steph said, rejoining the conversation after hanging up from her phone call with Babs. "Maybe then we can figure out where he is. How many minutes apart was each explosion?" she asked Tim. "There was less time between the first two, it seemed like."
"The first two were six minutes and twenty-eight seconds apart," Tim said after clicking on the readings. "The second two were twelve minutes and fifty-six seconds apart."
"Twice pi and four times pi," Damian said automatically.
Tim and Steph's heads swiveled to look at him.
"A very logical time unit for Polka-Dot Man to use," Damian observed, "since pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter."
"Seven years old," Steph muttered under her breath to Tim.
"Basic math," Damian scoffed. "You could have deduced the answer just as easily had you not been neglecting your studies, Stephanie Brown."
"I don't neglect my studies!" Steph protested.
"Your report card says otherwise," Damian sniffed.
"Says the homeschooler who doesn't get one!" Steph snarked.
"Guys, please," Tim said, looking pained. "Don't turn into the Suicide Squad."
"Oh, God," Steph said in horror.
"My apologies, Stephanie," Damian said promptly, looking equally aghast.
The Batlings sat in abrupt silence for a moment.
"How much time has gone by since the last explosion?" Steph finally asked Tim.
"Almost eleven minutes," he said, checking the clock.
Damian tapped his chin.
"If Polka-Dot Man is following a numerical sequence, the next explosion should come at either six times pi or eight times pi," Damian said, "so no sooner than the nineteen minute and twenty-four second mark."
The Batlings settled in to wait the predicted eight more minutes until the next manhole cover would explode when they were suddenly startled by a new Public Works alert on the city map.
"Twelve minutes and fifty-six seconds!" Tim exclaimed. "Exactly the same as the last time. Talk about weird. Why did the first two explosions have a shorter time in-between them?"
"And this manhole is also in the Financial District," Steph said, pointing at the map and frowning. "towards the west end of it, but still pretty close to where the first geyser was. Curiouser and curiouser," she said in a puzzled voice.
Damian suddenly perked up in his chair.
"I have an idea!" he announced.
Bat-Mite leaned forward and began tapping on the keyboard, quickly googling and locating the website he wanted while Osito looked on from his perch on the console.
"Look!" Damian said.
"Detective D," Tim whistled.
"Sherlock Damian," Steph whispered, turning her head to stare at the tiny Bat whose feet didn't even touch the floor.
Damian shrugged modestly.
"It is elementary planetary science," the littlest Bat said, consciously biting his tongue instead of adding his instinctive insult in regards to his siblings' lesser intelligence.
It was somewhat of a struggle to not point out that Timothy and Stephanie should have immediately drawn the same conclusion that he had, but, well, Drake was correct that the Batlings should not stoop to bickering like the Suicide Squad, and Brown had made an excellent point earlier as well: she and Drake would most likely become depressed and envioius if Damian rubbed their inferiority in their faces.
The truth of their malformed minds should be blatantly obvious, even to Drake and Brown with their diminished mental capacity, and Robin and Batgirl no doubt already faced daily struggles with low self-esteem in light of Bat-Mite's obvious superiority to them in every way.
Yes, for the sake of team unity, which was, of course, an essential factor in the Bats' effectiveness, Damian could refrain from unnecessary (but still quite truthful) comments about Timothy and Stephanie's need for improved diligence in their studies.
They would, after all, continue to have Damian at their disposal in the future, as well as Father and Papi who also possessed shining intellects, not to mention Baba who could surely be called upon in an intellectual emergency. Perhaps, while still a glaring developmental defect, Timothy and Stephanie's lesser minds would not in fact hinder the work of the Bats, with so many geniuses available at the ready to supplement the future-Batman and once-and-future-Batgirl's mental mediocrity.
Yes, Damian determined. He could hold his tongue and be a model of self-control and restraint to further inspire his siblings, which would undoubtedly be more useful to their growth as crimefighters rather than castigating them for their failures. Perhaps Drake and Brown were so mentally deficient that they could not even retain such basic information as annual planetary orbital alignments no matter how much they studied outer space science, and it would therefore be unkind to attribute their lack of knowledge to lack of study.
Papi would be pleased that Damian was withholding judgment from those who were naturally inferior, Bat-Mite decided. In fact, he would inform Papi of his success tomorrow; Damian was quite sure that his new father would give him a big hug and a smile for being so gentle with the stupider members of the Batfamily.
Kindness of thought was a new skill for Damian, to be sure, and therefore one that he must be diligent to practice whenever appropriate, seeing as how it would benefit the Bats' overall mission and success ratios. Fortunately, between Drake, Brown, Grayson, and Gordon, Bat-Mite would have many opportunities to work on his non-judgmental stance towards his lessers, Damian thought with pleasure.
"Harley, team?" Tim was saying into the comms, completely oblivious to Damian's revolutionary generosity of spirit. "Bat-Mite figured out the pattern. Krill's exploding the manholes according to today's planetary positions, starting with Pluto and working his way in."
Timothy was very good at giving Bat-Mite proper credit, Damian observed with contentment. That was something else positive about his brother, so now Damian was even giving a mental compliment. Papi would be overjoyed! However, one statement of Drake's did need correcting.
"Pluto is no longer considered a planet in our solar system," Damian frowned. "It has been downgraded to a dwarf planet."
"And was Abner ever pissed about that," Harley groaned. "He took the categorical removal of a planetary sphere as a personal affront back when it happened," she sighed. "Of course he's startin' with Pluto."
Ah, that explained it, then. Harley was remarkably intelligent as to the social and mental make-up of humans, Damian reflected, which was partly why he held her in almost as high a regard as Rob. (Her stealthy ascent into the shadow Queen of Gotham was another reason that Damian respected Harley, but most especially he approved of her for killing the Joker to avenge his Baba, even though Rob had not of course been Damian's Baba back then; but Harley's prompt retribution for the evil clown's deed meant that Damian was not now obligated to assassinate the Joker himself – and Damian could not deny that he felt very glad that he no longer needed to kill anyone. Decorating cakes felt like a much nicer use of his skills and training.)
"All the rest of the manholes should blow twelve minutes and fifty-six seconds apart," Tim was saying on the comms, "because Pluto and Neptune are closer together distance wise but all the other planets are equal distances apart on the orbital map. I'm calculating their manhole locations now and sending them to you, team."
"Ok, so here's a question," Harley said. "Do we freeze the manhole covers shut before the geysers blow, knowing that'll cause a pipe bomb explosion underground? Or do we clear the area around them, let 'em rip, and then freeze them?"
"I'd say option two," Red Hood said. "Seems safer overall, especially if the GCPD can evacuate the surrounding areas, which they ought to have time to do."
"On it," said Steph, already dialing Babs again.
"Next question," Harley said. "Do we think Abner's gonna be waiting for the grand finale at the sun's position in this grand scheme? Or is he hangin' out on Manhole Planet Earth? Or somewhere else entirely?"
"Ooo, tricky," Ouisie said. "I betcha the power switches are on the sun. Abner, though?"
"The sun could be the location of a final, catastrophic explosion," Tim suggested. "It's right on the Reservoir."
"Oh, fuck," Harley groaned.
"Maybe Krill's planning to blow up planet Earth, too, destroying all life," Snart pointed out. "Metaphorically speaking, of course. Where would that be - oh. Shit," he said, reading the info that Tim had sent over. "The giant traffic interchange on the Upper West Side. Yeahhhh both of those locations suck. A lot."
"Ok, here's what we're gonna do," Harley said. "Snart and Hood, you guys take the Reservoir and me and Ouisie will take the interchange. First priority is to disable whatever bombs might be there. Second is to find fuckin' Abner."
"On it, boss," Ouisie said, dragging Leonard behind her as she raced south to rendez-vous with Hood and Harley.
On the Batcomputer screens, which were still linked to the team's video feeds, the Batlings saw Jason pull his hood off and lean in to give his wife a kiss before the pair split off in separate directions.
"Aww," Steph squeed, smiling over at Tim, who smiled right back at her.
"I love you, future Batman of Gotham," Steph said to Tim with hearts in her eyes.
"I love you, too, once and future Batgirl, also of Gotham," Tim said back, hopping out of his chair to bend down over Steph and kiss her just as sweetly as Hood had kissed Harley.
Damian sighed heavily and loudly.
"Hey, you having to deal with us smooching is way better than you having to deal with the Suicide Squad," Steph pointed out to her tiny brother.
"Anything at all is preferable to dealing with the Suicide Squad," Damian said.
"Yes, but that still means that we're the better option," Tim grinned at him.
"Refocus on our mission," Damian scolded him.
"There's not much left for us to do," Steph complained. "We have to watch everyone else have all the fun now."
"True," Tim said, "but we did crack the case. Good work, Bats," he said with Batmanesque pride.
Steph smiled at him and then at Damian.
"I think Gotham is going to be in real good hands when we take over from Bane one day," she said.
"Indeed it shall be," Damian said. "Villains shall be at our mercy," the little boy cackled, "even more so than they are now."
"I pity any villain who finds himself at your mercy one day, little D," Tim said with complete honesty.
"Not as much as they shall pity themselves," Damian beamed as he picked Osito back up off of the Batcomputer console and began bouncing him on his lap.
"Babe," Jason called to Harley over the comms. "Me and Snart are in the access tunnel running around the reservoir basin and it's definitely where Krill's operating all his power from, but he's also got the whole place rigged up with C4. Hang back at the interchange until we get it all disabled in case he spots you and has a kill switch to blow it early."
"Will do," Harley said with worry in her voice. "Be careful," she couldn't help but add.
"You, too," Hood said back with a small smile lighting up his face, which Snart couldn't through his helmet but definitely heard in his voice.
"I'll freeze the C4 and you can follow me cutting the wires?" Leonard asked Jay, who nodded.
"Yeah, that's probably the safest," Jason said.
Red Hood groaned, though, as Snart began casting solid blocks of ice around each chunk of plastic explosive.
"When did Polka-Dot Man get so fuckin' hardcore?" Jason whined as he carefully clipped the wires to the first block of C4. "We're gonna have to loop back around to pry all the frozen bombs off the walls after we disable them and then we're gonna have to lug them to a safehouse or else some idiot's gonna hijack them for another caper."
"Yes, it's much better for Red Hood to hijack them first," Snart teased.
"Hey, my daddy might be the Bat, but that don't mean he approves of my methods," Jason laughed back. "I gotta get my C4 where I can."
"How the fuck did that even happen, anyway?" Snart asked him. "That Red Hood's old man is the freakin' Batman?"
"Eh, well, I used to be Robin," Jason sighed.
"Shut the fuck up," Leonard said, pausing from icing the bombs to turn back and stare at Red Hood. "Which one? I thought Nightwing was the O.G. You're not as flippy as he is and the new one's still a kid."
"I was the second one," Jason said.
Snart stared even harder.
"Keep freezing, man," Jason said, nudging Snart forward.
"Ok, but didn't you die?" Leonard said as he began freezing bundles of C4 again. "We all heard that Jokes killed you."
"He did," Jason muttered. "Don't ask. I don't know why I'm back. Mysteries of Gotham. We should have our own TV show for all the weird shit that happens in this town."
"Please don't tell Ouisie you're the dead Robin," Len begged. "She watches way too many horror movies and she will freeze your zombie ass dead for the second time."
Jason snorted.
"Harley might take offense to that," he said.
"Yeah, well, if the choice for Ouisie is between Harley and zombies, I wouldn't take that bet," Len shivered. "I love Ouisie like a sister, but that dumbass never should've been a scientist. She got way too into freakish applications of questionable research. She believes one hundred percent in zombies and vampires and she's gonna take you being undead as proof of her theories."
"And then dead me again," Jason grinned.
"Don't put her to the test, man," Leonard said very seriously. "She made me rent a truck and take her to the hardware store as soon as we got our backpay so we could stock Harley's safehouse up with cratefuls of wooden garden stakes. Ouisie don't play."
"Did she get silver bullets, too?" Jason asked curiously.
"Silver, kryptonite, you name it," Len said, shaking his head.
Captain Cold slid his eyes back to Jason.
"Don't tell your dad about the kryptonite," Snart said.
"I don't tell my dad anything about my vigilante life," Jason laughed. "Hell, I wasn't even talking to him until a couple of weeks ago."
"And now he's DIY'ing you and your wifey matching outfits?" Snart said in surprise.
"Well, you know Harley," Jason smiled. "She has a way with people."
"She does, that," Leonard agreed.
"Babe? We got all the bombs neutralized," Jay's voice spoke in Harley's earpiece.
"Roger that, Red Hubby Hood," Harley said. "Me and Ouisie are gonna move in on the interchange. No signs of Abner yet?"
"Not here," Jay said. "We're gonna head down to the next manhole site, it blew while we were freezing the bombs and another one is gonna go off soon. But afterwards, we gotta come back and collect up all this C4 which is gonna take some time since it's all frozen to the wall now. We're gonna have to get some ice picks or something."
"Ok," Harley said. "Since Abner wasn't at the Reservoir, I'm guessin' he's up here by us. We'll get him all re-apprehended and then deal with the stockpiling of our new C4 supply."
Jay only grunted, and Harley knew that her husband was wishing he could be there to protect her, even though they both understood that Harley didn't need protecting (and that Ouisie, despite her cranky motormouth, was actually a quite competent sidekick). Jay was caring that way, though, and that was one of the many reasons why Harley loved him so much. He never tried to clip her wings and he had mad respect for his wife's abilities, but Jay still always wanted to have Harley's back.
"I never thought I'd ever find somebody to fall in love with," Jay had said to Harley when he was first suiting up as Red Hood again to help his wife take down the Demonic Darkness gang and Harley was fussing over whether or not her husband really ought to be putting his suit back on when he'd wanted to retire.
"The only kind of Red Hooding I want to do from now on is protecting my girl," Jay had said, stroking a hand over Harley's cheek and through her hair, "and I will always suit up for that, babe. Always," he promised her. "I couldn't stand being at home when I could be out there with you. Ok?" he'd said, brushing his lips over Harley's in a gentle kiss.
"Well, if you're sure," Harley had smiled up at Jay, standing on her tippy-toes to kiss her husband back more fully. "I do love the way you look in the suit," she giggled, "and, well, it means a lot that you want to watch out for me," she said.
"Mistah J, you know…" Harley trailed off for a minute, her eyes clouding over while Jason continued to cradle her face in his hand. "Joker," Harley continued after a pause, "he, uh, he never had my back when we were causin' mayhem. You know? He'd use me as a shield in a heartbeat, or toss me off to Batman so he could escape, or…"
Harley rubbed her nose instead of continuing before Jason pulled her into a tight hug.
"I love you so much," Jason said into his wife's hair as he squeezed reassurances into her bad memories.
"I love you, too, Jay," Harley sniffed. "Never thought I'd ever meet a good man. Hell, never thought I'd even want to, after what Joker put me through."
"I know," Jason teased her. "Ms. I-Don't-Keep-Condoms-In-My-Safehouse," he grinned.
"Well, we don't need condoms anymore, now, do we?" Harley had laughed, layering kiss after kiss into Jay's mouth before they reluctantly pulled apart to go get some vengeance for Harley's amends patient, Silvie.
Harley smiled to herself thinking back on the journey that the first team-up of Red and Harley Hood had led them on - confronting Batman, being lured by Damian and the Batlings into contacting the family again after Bruce's subsequent breakdown, and ultimately meeting all of the Bats - plus bonding with Bane - and repairing broken relationships throughout the whole family all as Jay found ways to make some peace with his dad, who was finding his own way into becoming a better father - but yeah, it sure was hilarious that the Bat had designed Harley and Red Hood's new uniforms.
Len was right; Brucie did have an eye for design, Harley thought approvingly as she lifted her hand up to caress the edges of her blue crown.
"Hang on," Ouisie had the grace to say as she grabbed Harley's hand and got ready to pull her along her icy paths.
"Oh!" Harley squealed with a sudden inspiration. "This situation totally calls for a smokescreen cover," she crowed.
Nevermind that it was nighttime. Couldn't be too careful, right? Right, Harley thought triumphantly.
"Yeehaw!" Ouisie cackled. "Let'er rip, Harls!" she said, shooting out their first ice trail.
Ouisie kept them low over the traffic on the approaching highway while Harley laid down her thick plumes of smoke, obscuring them from Abner's view, if he happened to be watching with night-vision equipped binoculars, or something.
"If I was a bomb, where would I be?" Harley mused as they got closer to the overpasses.
"On top of the bridges would be the easiest to plant," Ouisie pointed out, "but I think underneath would weaken the structural integrity more."
"Plus Abner has his little flying saucer polka dot," Harley agreed. "He could totally plant the bombs underneath."
Killer Frost flew them under the first bridge and cackled in triumph when she spotted the C4.
"Gotcha!" she yelled as she raised up her right hand to freeze the bombs while continuing to create ice trails with her left hand.
"Get us up close," Harley told her. "I gotta clip the wires or they can still blow."
Ouisie zoomed them in close so Harley could deactivate the bombs, and then bridge by bridge, the pair began to work their way through the interchange, carefully disabling the bombs as they went.
"Abner was gonna kill a whole lotta people today," Killer Frost commented after awhile in a voice that sounded more than slightly tinged with envy.
Harley gave her a concerned look.
"What?" Ouisie complained. "I'm just sayin'."
"Uh huh," Harley said in her I-know-what-you're-really-thinking therapist voice.
"Come on, Harls," Ouisie whined. "I'm just admirin' his methods. I ain't killed anybody in ages," she complained.
"Your last mission wasn't even a month ago!" Harley said.
"Like I said," Ouisie pouted.
Harley sighed.
"Are you using your therapy skills?" Harley asked Ouisie, even though she definitely wasn't her therapist.
"No," Ouisie sulked. "I ain't never needed to before."
"You were in prison before," Harley pointed out.
"Yeah," Ouisie muttered with a note of wistfulness in her voice that Harley, of course, picked up on.
"You havin' a rough time bein' out, honey?" Harley asked her.
Ouisie rubbed her nose with one hand as she led them to the next bridge.
"Not until this morning," she admitted. "We're all split up now, Harls. It ain't the same."
"I know," Harley soothed. "I can help you find an outpatient therapist, ok?"
Ouisie groaned.
"Do I gotta?" she whined.
"If you start killing people off the government's clock, you're gonna lose your pardon, Ouisie," Harley said. "You know that."
"I know," Ouisie mumbled.
"And you know Lenny needs you," Harley added. "He's lonely, too, getting out and having the team go separate ways."
"Yeah, I know," Ouisie grumbled. "We're gonna keep being roommates," she said. "And I did manage to get a date for tomorrow night," Killer Frost said, brightening up a little. "With this badass archer who calls herself Huntress."
"That's great, Ouisie!" Harley said as they disabled the next bomb.
"It does get easier," Harley promised while they continued to work. "I've left prison a bunch of times, you know, and the initial transition is always the roughest part. Once you've got a routine down and some regular spots you shop and hang out, you'll start to feel better. Plus, me and Hood'll have you and Len over for dinner once a week with June and Croc, and your new girlfriend, too, if she works out."
"Ok," Ouisie sighed, but she sounded a little less depressed.
"You could always visit Arthur in Arkham, you know," Harley added. "He's gonna be real lonely without us all in there with him."
"I guess," Ouisie groaned. "Arty's kind of a stick in the mud," she complained, "but maybe I could guilt Len into going with me."
"That's the spirit," Harley grinned. "And you know what? All of us, me and Jay'll come too, we should take a Suicide Squad road trip every so often out to STAR City to see Floyd and his girls."
"We'd have to get a van, as big as Croc is," Ouisie giggled, "but even then we'd probably have to take a couple seats out."
"Oh! Me and Hood own a van now," Harley said with excitement. "We're all set! And Floyd told me he wants to start doin' vigilante work on the side with Green Arrow. Maybe we could all patrol Star City together sometimes!"
"Oh, now that would be fun," Ouisie said, her eyes lighting up in excitement. "Green Arrow always walks around like he's got one of them arrows up his ass. I'd love messin' his town up - the criminals in it, Harley, geez," Ouisie smirked to Harley's raised eyebrows.
Harley ended up giggling, though.
"Arrow is pretty awful," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Worse than Batman."
"Oh, way worse," Ouisie agreed as they took out the final bomb on the highest overpass. "We'll have a good time givin' him migraines."
"Thanks, Harls," Killer Frost added in a voice slightly quieter than her normal screech, "for everything. I never figured a girl like me who lives for killin' would ever get to make a legal career out of it, plus get to be part of a team, which, I gotta admit, I maybe don't always completely and totally hate."
Harley gave Ouisie an understanding smile.
"Who we are at our core doesn't have to be a negative," Harley said gently. "There's almost always ways to use whatever we got inside us for good."
"Yeah, but I don't care about usin' killin' for good," Ouisie said.
"But you like the side benefits that legally killing people brings you," Harley pointed out.
"Well… yeah," Ouisie begrudgingly admitted. "I guess maybe I do."
"Don't worry," Harley winked, "It'll be our secret."
"Hood? Len?" Harley said into her comms. "We just finished disconnecting all the bombs. We're gonna go in and look for Abner now."
"Keep us posted," Jay said back. "We just froze Saturn," he said. "Moving onto Jupiter."
"We're gonna have to get the C4 off the overpasses, too, after we catch Ab," Harley sighed. "I'm seriously grumpy with whatever guard let him out. It's gonna be a long night cleaning up after him."
"Fucking Polka-Dot Man," Ouisie groused.
"Fucking Polka-Dot Man," Len whole-heartedly echoed.
"Well, let's go catch him," Harley said to Ouisie. "Bring us up slow to the top of the interchange, ok?"
"Ooh!" Ouisie suddenly screeched. "I got an idea! Krill's got a buzzsaw dot on his stupid ass costume. We can use it to slice through the ice and get the bombs offa everything way easier."
"But Dr. Lincoln isn't a scientist anymore," Lenny teased her over the comms.
"Shut up!" Ouisie snarked back. "I am a scientist when it fits my damn purposes. Like helping me not be out here all night when I have got a date tomorrow."
"Or freezing your ass solid blue so you could become a super-villain," Len added.
"Exactly," said Ouisie. "I believe in practical applications of science that directly benefit one person: namely, me."
"Regardless, that is a freakin' awesome idea about the buzzsaw blade," Red Hood said with relief. "Way to go, Ouisie. Snart and I will be on call to head back to the Reservoir in case Krill's not at the interchange, but I think Polka-Dot Man is probably ready and waiting to be King of the World."
"Yes, King of the Upper West Side Traffic Hellspot. How all of Gotham shall admire him," Len quipped with a tired sigh.
"Hey, hey, I, for one, am glad Abner didn't dream any bigger than the interchange and reservoir," Harley said. "Gimme a penny-ante villain any day over one like Mistah J."
"Well, I can't argue with that," Jason shivered. "Love you, babe," he added. "Keep me posted."
"Will do, Totally Superior To Mistah J In Every Way Husband Jay," Harley said. "Love you back."
"Aww," Ouisie said. "You guys are so cute. You think me and Huntress are gonna be cute like them one day, Lenny?" she asked her best friend over the comms.
"Yeah, you're gonna be adorable," Leonard said, rolling his eyes to Red Hood as they jogged towards Old Gotham and the Jupiter manhole geyser. "Huntress will trip and faceplant and you'll screech in concern across the room so loud that icicles will form in the air," Snart said to Frost. "It'll be totally precious. We could make you two into a Hallmark movie."
"A Hallmark movie?" Ouisie screeched across the comms, making everyone else wince and grab for the volume control on their earpieces.
"You said you wanted to be cute," Len shrugged.
"I didn't say I wanted to be cute, you moron," Ouisie screamed. "I asked you if you thought we would be, because that would be HORRIBLE. Ohmygod, maybe I should cancel my date," Ouisie moaned. "I refuse to be cute, Leonard Snart. I am Killer Frost. I kill people with my death icicles. I ain't no cutie-patootie sap!"
"Honey, honey, I was teasing," Lenny began laughing. "You're gonna be the opposite of cute. You could be a Universal Monster Movie, you two will be so awfully atrocious."
"You'd better not be lyin' to me," Ouisie said suspiciously.
"God forbid," Len said very seriously, winking at Red Hood, who was cracking up off mic.
"He ain't kiddin', Ouisie," Harley reassured her teammate. "Cute and Killer Frost do not belong in the same sentence."
"Well, ok then," Ouisie sniffed. "Although my girl can be cute. But not me. Nope. Never gonna happen."
"You have zero need for concern," Jason said.
"Why, thank ya, Hoodie," Ouisie said with great relief. "I suppose we can go catch old Abner, then."
"Yes, please," Jason groaned. "Let's get this damn patrol over with already."
"I think we should split up," Harley said to Ouisie. "See if you can drop me off at the far end of the highest overpass and I'll walk up to Ab, if he's up there, and try to talk him down. Hang back outta sight but be ready to swoop in for backup."
"Yes ma'am, Your Majesty," Ouisie saluted.
Harley giggled.
"It's the crown, isn't it?" she said.
"Totally the crown," Ouisie agreed. "I feel like I should curtsy but I ain't going to."
"As long as you lay out the royal ice carpet protectin' me from Abner's whirly-giggin' polka dots of death and destruction if he fires 'em, we're good," Harley grinned.
"Will do," Ouisie promised as she cautiously trailed them up under the bridge. "Here, I'll give ya a boost," she said, keeping them below the sidewalls so they wouldn't be visible.
Killer Frost cupped her hands and Harley put a hand on Ouisie's shoulder and stepped up, getting an additional alley-oop from her blue teammate that propelled her up high enough to grab the lowest guardrail.
Harley pulled herself the rest of the way up and slid legs first under the rail, quickly crouching and scanning the bridge for Polka-Dot Man. She frowned at the sight of a fairly large circular wicker basket, seemingly abandoned on the narrow sidewalk that lined the still bustling highway - which, ok, this was Gotham, weird trash showed up all the time - but weird trash with a metal framework rigged up overhead that, as she crept closer, looked suspiciously like it had some kind of fabric attached to it, draped over the far side of the bridge?
"Ouisie," Harley called softly into the comms, "fly under the bridge for me. See what it is that's hangin' off the other side."
"Okey dokey," Ouisie said. A second later, she said, "Are you kiddin' me?"
"Tell me it's not what I'm thinking it is," Harley groaned.
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" Ouisie giggled.
"Goddamit," Harley whined. "Seriously?"
"It's white like his costume with colored polka dots all over it," Ouisie said. "Pretty nice craftsmanship, actually. I think Batman would approve of old Ab's sewing skills."
"I'll tell him you said so," Harley sighed, even though a small giggle crept in.
"What exactly are we talking about here?" Snart said in confusion.
"A hot air balloon, I'm guessing," Jason said.
"Yep," Harley said. "Not inflated yet, but whaddya wanna bet it's a turbo fast lift off?"
"Want me to freeze it?" Ouisie said with glee.
"No, let me talk to him first," Harley sighed. "Maybe a hot air balloon ride before going back to Arkham will help Abner feel validated."
"Babe, are you sure?" Jason said. "Krill's got all kinds of punching and death gizmo dots on his suit."
"I know," Harley said. "I'll be careful. Ouisie'll cover me. But Abner worked so hard on this caper," she said with empathy, her inner therapist starting to come forward more strongly. "Maybe I can get him to see that if he had just broke out of Arkham and gone for a ride in the balloon that woulda been a kind of ok thing to do. It's all the mayhem he wants to cause that hurts and kills people that he's gotta work on curbing, not so much his inner showman."
"Ok, baby," Jason said, still sounding worried. "Well… you're the best at what you do," he said. "If anybody can get Krill to downgrade from Joker level clowning to a kids' carnival attraction, it's you."
"Thanks, Jay," Harley said warmly, a smile lighting up her face as she crawled forward on the sidewalk towards the basket.
Harley knew Jay wanted to be overprotective and tell her a thousand times to be careful, but he wasn't doing it, and it meant the world to Harley that her husband not only trusted her but believed in her, too. Harley paused about ten yards away from the basket and waited for a lull in traffic before quickly darting across the four-lane highway to the far side.
Once there, she crept slowly towards the deflated hot-air balloon, only rising once she'd checked over the guardrail to be sure that Ouisie was in position for backup.
Very gently, Harley stepped up to the chin-high circular container, and peered inside. Polka-Dot Man was seated on the floor of his carriage, gleefully watching the Gotham news reports on the latest manhole explosion, which had just gone off in the Diamond District.
"Hey, Abner," Harley said softly.
Krill's head snapped up but Harley's hands were already in the air in gentle surrender.
"It's ok, it's ok," Harley said. "It's just me. Cool hot air balloon ya got goin' on."
Krill had jumped to his feet while Harley spoke and extended an arm, his fingers hovering over round buttons on his mechanized glove, but Harley stayed still, simply watching him.
"The bat on your chest is definitely not cool," Abner finally growled. "Whose side are you on, anyway, Dr. Quinzel?"
"My patients," Harley said firmly, "always. And the people I hurt with Jokes. And my husband's."
"Yes, your husband," Abner said, rolling his eyes but lowering his arm, crossing it over his chest instead. "Red Hood. Shining example of mental health. But I'm supposed to listen to you, Doctor? Strutting around with a crown on your head? Superiority complex, much?"
Harley let a small smile quirk up at the edge of her mouth.
"You wanna know a secret?" she said, placing her palms down on the edge of the basket and leaning over it conspiratorially.
Abner scowled at her, but curiosity eventually won out and he asked begrudgingly, "What secret?"
"I didn't design my outfit," Harley grinned, "but someone with a ginormous superiority complex did."
Almost against his will, Abner snorted.
"Figures," he said. "But what doesn't figure is why you, Dr. Quinzel, are suddenly associating with that low-life psychopath who, if I recall correctly, you spent the last several years trying to kill."
"Now, Abner, we've talked about not throwing clinical words around carelessly," Harley said slightly reprovingly. "Batman has not been diagnosed by a mental health professional, so none of us can accurately label him."
"And therefore we should withhold judgment, blah blah blah, yes, I've heard this all before, Dr. Quinzel," Abner said with scorn. "Seems to me you're deflecting my question. "
Harley sighed.
"He's Red Hood's dad," she admitted. "Family is complicated, Abner. You know that."
Polka-Dot Man remained silent, but a glimmer of agreement seemed to flicker in his eyes before he looked away.
"You want to go get some ice cream?" Harley offered. "We could get Dippin' Dots…" she said alluringly.
Abner let out a loud, angry huff and glared back at Harley.
"Do you truly think that you can talk me down that easily, Dr. Quinzel?" he scoffed. "With ice cream? Really?"
"Worth a shot," Harley shrugged. "Can I come keep you company in the basket?"
Abner hesitated, his gloved fingers picking at one of the polka-dots on his sleeve before he finally said, "Fine. But don't try anything or it's a polka-fist to the head, and I'm pretty sure my dots hit a lot harder than your hammer."
"Fair enough," Harley said easily, pushing up on the edge of the wicker basket and nimbly swinging her legs over and in.
She leaned against the edge on the opposite side of Abner, who was looking increasingly twitchy and uncomfortable with her presence.
"The balloon really is cool," Harley said after a minute. "You think we could fire it up and go for a ride?"
"In a few minutes," Abner said with a wicked smile.
"Ok," Harley said calmly. "You must have worked really hard on building it," she said thoughtfully, stepping closer to the edge so she could admire the round sail.
"I did work hard," Abner sulked, "and Batman isn't even here to appreciate it."
"If we fly it around town, he'll see it later on the news," Harley pointed out.
"Not the same and you know it," Abner groused.
"Well, Abner," Harley said gently, "it's not the same. But what did we used to talk about? Expectations being planned resentments. Does that ring a bell?"
"Is it too much to ask that the Caped Crusader pay attention to me once in awhile?" Abner shouted back at her. "I spent much more time on my plan than the Clock King spent on his but do I get the Bat? No! I, too, get the traitorous narcs!"
"A narc?" Harley giggled. "Oof, that hurts, Abner. A narc," she mouthed to herself, shaking her head distastefully.
Krill simply pouted his lip out at her, and gripped his arms tighter around his chest.
"He was supposed to be back on duty tonight," Polka-Dot Man said, sounding almost close to tears.
"I know," Harley said gently, "but plans change, Abner - which is why it's unproductive to base your self-worth around another person's approval of you and your genius."
"Some genius," Abner scoffed, "if you found me here."
"Well, I personally didn't," Harley said. "Only one person figured out you were using the map of the solar system, and truthfully, I think that tiny detective is a little bit of a genius himself. And that's the thing, Abner," Harley said. "You can be a genius and still not be the only genius in town. So why base your sense of self around being the best, or the only, or on who pays attention to you?"
"Because lesser people than me get more praise!" Abner exploded. "How is that fair, Doctor? It's an injustice, is what it is!"
"It is," Harley agreed, "but that's life, Abner. Full of injustices and unfairness and unsung praises."
"Not for the Penguin," Abner countered -
" - who is currently in Arkham," Harley said -
" - or Two-Face,"
" - Arkham,"
" - the Riddler,"
" - Abner," Harley said patiently,
" - Joker,"
" - dead," Harley said, barely keeping the scowl from her face at the thought of her sadistic ex-tormentor.
"But they are more popular than me!"
Abner's voice took on a shrill whine and he sunk down into the basket to sit on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest.
"And I'm in Arkham, too," Polka-Dot Man continued sullenly, "so why should I not seek my due glory?"
"That," Harley said urgently. "YES, Abner. Exactly."
"What?" Krill said suspiciously.
"Seek your due glory, Abner," Harley said firmly, "not infamy and bad press."
Abner looked up at her curiously.
"What do you mean?" he said.
"Be Polka-Dot Man, king of circles," Harley said grandly, "but don't be Polka-Dot Man, the mass murderer, or Polka-Dot Man, who sent some homeless street kids to the ER tonight with second degree burns from scalding water raining down on them in their sleep -" Abner started guiltily, looking slightly ashamed - "or Polka-Dot Man, who floods the entire city and makes everyone's life a miserable hell," Harley continued to rail at him.
"Why can't you be Polka-Dot Man, who escapes from Arkham to sail his gloriously ingenious polka-dot hot air balloon through the skies of Gotham, showering down free Dippin' Dots coupons on the masses, before flying himself back to the big house in style with ice cream for all the inmates?"
Abner looked at Harley consideringly, chewing on his lip.
"That's -" he finally said, "that's -"
Harley waited.
Abner stilled.
"What about your idea for the revolving dart boards?" Harley finally asked Abner when the silence stretched on. "Where each circle rotated around at different speeds so the points were always moving targets? You were gonna design that and apply for a patent. What happened to that?" she asked him.
"Oh, I don't know," Abner said sarcastically, "my therapist who thought it was an amazing idea and said she'd help me apply for a grant for the patent fees up and quit her job in the most spectacular way imaginable," he spat.
"Oh," Harley said quietly.
"So much press around her dramatic exit," Abner continued to rant. "All anyone could talk about for months, really! Dr. Quinzel this, and Dr. Quinzel that, and Joker this, and Joker that, and Harley Quinn, wasn't that just the most charming name for the former Harleen Quinzel. Such a nice ring to it! Made all the headlines really snap."
"I'm sorry," Harley said softly, kneeling down beside Abner. "Truly, terribly sorry Abner," she said. "That wasn't my choice to leave you like that. To leave any of you."
"So why didn't you come back?" Abner said, spearing his former therapist with a sharp glare. "You're sane again, it seems, despite some blood on your hands. But I don't see you coming back to fix what you broke."
"This is me trying to, Abner," Harley protested. "I'm not a licensed therapist anymore. I'm not allowed to treat patients."
"Yet here you are," Abner said snidely.
"Yeah," Harley said. "Here I am, Abner. For you. Talking with you instead of hauling your ass straight back to Arkham. I want to help you, Abner, but… my ways and hows are more limited in some respects. And a lot less limited in others," she said.
Red Hood's voice buzzed in Harley's comm.
"Babe, are you ok? Frost said she lost eyes on you and it's been a minute."
"Yeah, Jay, I'm ok," Harley said when she turned her mic back on. "Me and Abner are just talking. We're fine."
"Ok," Jason said with relief. "Let me know if you need anything."
"Will do," Harley said with a smile. "Talk soon."
She clicked the mic back off while Abner watched her.
"Another J?" Krill said. "Really, Doctor?"
"Shut up," Harley laughed. "You and everybody are up on my ass about that."
Abner snorted.
"I mean, I had this therapist once who told me that when certain behaviors established an observable pattern, that might mean that they were becoming problematic…"
Harley laughed out loud.
"Why do you gotta retain that part of my therapy wisdom and bail on the rest?" she playfully sniped back.
Abner shrugged.
"Take what you like and leave the rest?" he offered.
"That's Al-Anon, dumbass," Harley snorted, before quickly clamping a hand over her mouth.
"Oh, shit," she said in a panic. "Abner, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call ya a dumbass, I just - arrrrgh, fuck!" Harley yelped to herself, rubbing her hand agitatedly over her mouth and taking several deep breaths in and out through her nose.
Polka-Dot Man was watching her with something close to sympathy when the former Dr. Quinzel blinked her eyes open a minute later.
"You ok, Doc?" he said gently.
"No," Harley. said in a very serious voice. "I mean, yes, but, no. No, no, no. You are not responsible for me or my problems, Abner," she said, making a concerted effort to sound more grounded.
"I am your therapist - I was your therapist," Harley corrected herself, "which is supposed to be a structured relationship with clearly defined roles designed to treat your problems and help you heal, and an essential part of that process is that you are not responsible for me and my feelings and my issues."
"It's not an equal relationship, Abner, and it's not meant to be," Harley said firmly. "It's supposed to be exclusively about you and your healing. Not about me - which is why I can't treat you anymore," Harley finished far more gently.
"I screw up, Abner. I can't keep it together and that's not only not fair to you, it could fuck you up really bad," Harley said. "You deserve a real therapist who's qualified to be working with ya. Not me. Not anymore. Ok?" Harley said softly.
Abner's eyes might have looked slightly misty when he quietly replied, "Ok, Dr. Quinzel. But… maybe we could still take that hot air balloon ride?" he said hesitantly.
Harley smiled at him.
"I'd like that," she said. "And, I got a hubby who is fan-fucking-tastic at picking locks so we can totally stop for Dippin' Dots before taking you back home."
"Ah, Arkham," Abner sighed dramatically. "There's no place like home."
"Eh, home is where you lay your head," Harley said, "and I happen to know you got a circular pillow in your cell," she winked.
"I do indeed," Abner sighed, getting to his feet.
"I got a lot more money now, you know," Harley said suddenly as she stood up with him. "I mean, it wouldn't be ethical in the slightest," she said, suddenly backpedaling as she thought her idea through, "and, well, you probably oughtta still apply for the grant for the patent fees if you ever decide to make your dartboard, because that would be a valuable life experience for you to work hard for something instead of getting it handed to you," she went on -
"... but?" Abner grinned at her.
"But," Harley smiled, "if, you know, the grant doesn't pan out, well, I'll take care of your patent fees," she said.
"Ok, Doc," Abner said. "We'll see," he said.
"Ok, Polka-Dot Man," Harley said gently.
"Oh!" Harley suddenly yelped. "By the way, we need to borrow you and your buzzsaw dot before taking you back tonight," she said.
Abner raised an eyebrow at her as he fired up the burner. The white polka-dotted balloon whooshed to life, rapidly filling up with air.
"Babe?" Jay was saying in her ear.
"Everything's cool," Harley said. "Me and Ab are gonna go for a little sail before he helps us cut all the bombs down."
"Before I do what now…?" Abner said, raising both eyebrows now.
"They're frozen," Harley explained. "Stuck on. Gonna be a real pain in the ass to get off."
"So make Batman do it," Abner whined.
"Dippin' Dots is on the line," Harley said ominously.
"You would deny me my Dippin' Dots if I don't saw my own bombs, which your own damn team froze, off the walls of the reservoir tunnels?" Polka-Dot Man said, his jaw dropping in aggrieved shock.
"And off these here bridges," Harley said. "You might've noticed we haven't gone kablooey yet."
"Goddammit!" Abner, who had not in fact noticed the time, yelled in frustration.
"Hot air balloon ride…" Harley sang, "Dippin' Dots…"
"The old Dr. Quinzel never would've bribed me," Abner commented snidely as the balloon finished filling with air and they lifted off over Gotham.
"Well, honey, the old Dr. Quinzel only makes very rare guest appearances these days," Harley said. "And that right there should make you feel extremely validated. You think I come out from behind my crazy for just anybody?" Harley said, shaking her blonde pigtails back and forth in the wind.
"So what you're saying is I'm special?" Abner beamed at his former therapist.
"Super special," Harley said. "To me. Always."
She wasn't Batman, but… well… maybe… maybe Dr. Quinzel meant a little bit more to him than Batman anyway, Polka-Dot Man thought to himself.
Plus, Batman had never gotten him Dippin' Dots.
A/N - Well, this one was a whopper! Sorry it took so long, but, well, you can see why. TWO CHAPTERS LEFT TO GO, GUYS!
If you have been reading this story and got this far, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease leave me some comments and tell me so. Longfics are a special kind of comment drought hell (but Casey525, you have been absolute ANGEL my friend) and I wonder if people are still reading, or still like it, or idk appreciate that I'm finishing it. I could some love, y'all! This chapter took a lot out of me and this whole story has been a massive labor of love for a story that I was itching to tell, but a massive labor nonetheless. I truly appreciate you all reading and hope you've been enjoying it.
TWO MORE CHAPTERS!
I would really LOVE to have this finished by Christmas, so Light in the Dark might not update this month. It'll be so much easier to work on other projects once Red Knight wraps. Endings seem to take wayyyy more time, so. Fingers crossed the last two chapters pour out faster!
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