Chapter 35 – Finding Solace

There was a series of enormous explosions, the sound of metallic scraping as gears and cogs moved, transforming something very large. Men's screams shattered the night, confusion, chaos and a single voice cutting through the maelstrom, ''OC! I love you!''

I sat bolt upright in my bed, drenched in sweat, my heart pounding. My cries of anguish died on my lips as I cast my eyes wildly about the room, unsure where I was or if that had been real. I looked down to my hand and saw clasped tightly within it the small blue, velvet box. I closed my eyes. /Not real, a dream, or rather more accurately – a nightmare!/. I exhaled deeply and threw the covers off. Glancing at the clock on my phone it read 2:30am. /Great/. I sighed. /Well, I won't be going back to sleep anytime soon!/.

Standing up, I slipped my shoes on and grabbed Chase's navy hoodie, slipping it over me. It seemed to swallow me up and wrapped me in comfort as though in some small way I was getting a hug from him. Placing my hands inside the front pocket and grasping the ring protectively, I made my way out of my room and down the hallway, trying not to disturb anyone.

As I stepped outside into the cool night air, I took a deep breath, trying to cleanse myself of the last vestiges of my nightmares. I glanced about. No one was around. I walked silently towards my destination – my little beach. I did not feel like being inside, I had missed my stars and I felt – restless. My heart hurt.

I pushed my way through the tree line and surveyed the area before me. I had missed being able to wander down here when I felt like it. It was a bastion of solace and comfort for me and right now, I needed both. I walked down towards the water, stopping where the grass met the sand and sat down. Pulling my knees up under my chin, I cast my eyes skyward. A billion stars shone brightly, like someone had flecked a brush covered in white paint against a black canvass. /If only the stars could talk/, I thought to myself. All the things they would have witnessed; the heartaches, pain, tragedies, destruction, the joys, happiness and wonders all played out on life's stage below them.

As I peered into the heavens, I found myself wondering where Chase's soul was. /Was he at rest? Was his soul wending its way through the cosmos? Was he here right now with me?/ At that thought I pulled out the box and opened it to look at the ring nestled inside. It shone in the moonlight and I pulled it out carefully to examine it. It truly was beautiful. /Couldn't have chosen better myself/. Placing it at the end of my ring finger on my left hand, I paused momentarily. /Chase had hoped to do this for me but that was not going to happen/. I felt a dull ache in my chest. I missed him desperately and I wanted to feel connected to him in some way. I sighed and put the ring back in the box. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not yet – maybe not ever.

''OC? Are you alright?'' came the tentative voice behind me.

I started. I had been so wrapped up in my own thoughts I had not heard Prime approach me. ''Optimus! You scared me. I couldn't sleep, I had a nightmare and decided to come down here for a bit. Sorry if I woke you,'' I cast my eyes up his tall frame to find his optics. They shone like two azure diamonds.

He carefully lowered himself, so he was sitting beside me. ''I know. I heard you scream out. I followed you down here to make sure you were okay. Forgive me for the intrusion,'' he begged.

I gave a small chuckle, ''Stalker alert!'' I joked.

Prime shifted nervously and cast his optics about, ''That's not what I intended…''

''I know Optimus, I'm stirring you.'' I sighed out loud, stretching my legs out before me. ''To be honest I am grateful for the company,'' I smiled up at him, ''and you are never an intrusion.''

He smiled back and we sat there in mutual silence for a moment before Prime's baritone voice rumbled through the night air, ''Lennox told me about why you were late getting here.'' I felt myself tense at his words and his gaze as it settled on me, ''I am so sorry OC, truly I am.'' He blinked once. ''Did you want to talk about it?'' he offered.

I shook my head, ''I don't think I can Prime. I am still trying to come to terms with it myself.'' I felt tears forming in my eyes. /Fuck! How is it possible!/.

''As you wish OC, but please remember, I am here whenever you are ready.'' He cast his optics out to the ocean then, watching the dark waters wrinkle and crash upon the shore. I took strength from his silent presence.

I felt inside my pocket and clutched at the box that held the ring. After a few moments, I closed my eyes and whispered into the night, ''I feel angry Prime. Unbelievably furious and so desperately sad that fate has stolen my chance at a life with him.'' I opened my eyes and fixed my gaze on the dark waters swirling and crashing before me, reflecting the emotions raging within me. ''I know about Transformers' spark bonding and I believe in Earthen customs and culture; marriage is the closest thing we have to that. Two people promising to entwine their lives together and commit themselves to each other.'' I looked over to him and he returned my gaze, listening intently to what I was saying.

I gave a snort of derision and looked back towards the ocean, ''Mind you, a growing number of people these days seem to take that commitment very flippantly and when the going gets tough, they bail.'' Without warning my mind selected a memory of my own parents, how their marriage fell apart as my ''gift'' became more apparent. ''My own dad couldn't handle the strain and stress living with my ''gift'' brought and after yet another move, he thought leaving would be his best option for a life of ''normality'' and he abandoned us all. So, I didn't really have the best example of marriage to start with,'' my voice was laced with bitterness.

I drew my knees up under my chin yet again, hugging myself, before I continued, ''But you see Prime, most women, myself included, we grow up hoping that we will find ''the one.'' That someday we will marry, make a life with and grow old with that person.'' I gave a small laugh before ploughing on, 'Despite not having had the best example, I always knew that if I found someone who loved me for me, that was willing to accept me, with all my faults and failings, I would commit myself to them, totally and utterly.'' I laughed out loud then in a self-depreciating manner, ''Mind you I never thought the day would come, I thought I was destined to live and die alone, but then I met Chase,'' my voice faltered.

Prime had been staring intently at me, listening as I poured my heart out, his optics glowing softly with sympathy. ''OC… I..'' Prime started to speak but I cut him off.

I pulled out the ring from the box and held it in my hand. ''He was going to ask me to marry him Prime. I found this when I was going through his things. He never…'' I felt fresh tears sting my eyes as once again what I had lost, what I had stolen from me, hit home. ''He never got the chance to ask and I never got the chance to hear those words - to say ''yes''. I let the tears fall and I held the ring tightly in my hand, as though I was somehow holding a part of Chase.

Prime brought his right servo out to wrap around me as I sat on the ground. ''Oh OC, I am so sorry. There truly are no words I can say that would comfort you save for these, spoken to me by a very wise person not so long ago.'' I wiped at my eyes, sniffed in a very undignified manner and turned my head to look up at his helm. Prime fixed me with serious stare, his voice rumbled gently, ''The people we love never truly leave us, they are always a part of us. Don't hide them away OC, carry them forward with you.'' His optics shone brightly down at me as he recalled the very words I had spoken to him all those years ago at Turtle Cove.

That did it.

I fell apart again, my shoulders heaving with great sobs and my cries shattering the night. Prime picked me up gently in his servo and brought me up to his chest, holding me close. I curled up against his chest plates, desperately trying to hug him. We sat like that for the longest time, Prime offering me silent comfort while I allowed myself to grieve all that I had lost.

After a long while my sobs began to subside and I slowly sat up, wiping my eyes and my tear-stained face. The first rays of dawn had started to streak the sky and I was vaguely aware of the birds beginning their morning chorus. I looked up into Prime's faceplates and saw concern, compassion and something else shining in his optics. I took a deep, steadying breath, ''Thank you Optimus, I needed to hear those words.''

I carefully stood up on his servo and held the ring reverently in my palm. I stared at it before bringing it up to my ring finger on my right hand. While I couldn't bring myself to wear it on my left hand, I wanted to wear it, to have it close to me. I took a breath and then slid it down my finger. It fitted perfectly and it looked beautiful!

I held my hand up to catch the first rays of a new day and the ring glimmered and shone. My eyes must have been puffy, my face a sight but in that moment I didn't care. ''Beautiful, isn't it Prime?''

He regarded me carefully, nodding his helm slowly, before he whispered softly, ''Yes OC. Beautiful.'' His optics shone brightly.

I brought the ring to my lips and kissed it gently. /Thank you, I love you/, I let the words flow through me into the ring, as if Chase were here himself and, in some small way, he was. All at once I felt tired, exhausted. ''Prime?'' I called out, ''Do you think you could give me a lift home? I suddenly feel so very tired and think I might try and sleep some more.''

Prime nodded his helm his voice rumbling to life, ''Of course OC, it would be my pleasure.'' With that he rose gracefully from the ground while holding me carefully in his servo, close to his chest. He walked back towards Autobot quarters, cradling me carefully. ''I have some meetings to attend to today but nothing so important that if you needed me, I could not be there for you,'' he glanced to me.

I patted his chest, ''Thanks Prime, but it's okay. I am sure I'll be fine. The way I feel right now I think I shall sleep the most part of the day anyway and if I don't, I will find a way to entertain myself. I will be okay, but I am so grateful for your friendship and your support, it means more than you know.'' I smiled at him once again.

Prime let out a soft chuckle, ''I have no doubt in my processor that you will be okay OC, and I do believe I have some idea as to what my friendship and support mean to you as I am only returning the favour you bestow upon me,'' he smiled down at me, pulling me closer towards his chest.

I tried to hug him, but ended up yelling out in frustration, ''Damn it! This really does suck you know not being able to give you a proper hug, you're too damn big Prime!''

At this he did laugh out loud, a sound that sent a wave of happiness through me, ''Works both ways you know OC, except reversed of course,'' and he gave the equivalent of a wink. I laughed back at him.

Arriving outside Autobot quarters, Prime lowered me gently to the ground. ''Sleep well OC, and remember, if you need me, you have only to call for me.''

I turned to look up at the towering colossus that was Optimus Prime, my dear friend. I may have lost Chase and my heart was still grieving but knowing I had not lost Prime, that he was still in my life, was a much-needed balm for a wounded soul. ''Thanks Prime, I will. I'll see you later?'' I asked tentatively.

''Count on it,'' he rumbled and with that he turned and walked towards Hanger 1 and whatever tasks awaited a busy Prime for the day.

I sighed and walked inside. My head had barely hit the pillow when I felt my eyes close and everything faded away as sleep claimed me yet again.