Authors Note: First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you've all had a lovely day.
Just wanna clarify again to all the readers worrying that Brittana are gonna get together and the story will end, this isn't the case. I have lots of plans for them building their relationship, learning to communicate, sweet fluff couple-y chapters that they deserve, and a future together etc.
It's taken a long while to get here, and as it's loosely based on a film that does end with them just getting together, that's possibly why. But it was never my intention to leave it there, especially as it's so drama filled. So hopefully that will make you guys happy.
I really hope you enjoy the chapter, probably my most re-written yet, because I wanted it to be perfect.
A month went by, and it seemed like both the quickest and slowest month of Santana's life. On one hand, things were happening way too fast, and Brittany was going to be Mrs Evans sooner than she would have liked. On the other hand, the wedding talk, the fittings, the planning was all dragging for Santana. Each meeting geared towards the wedding was just a painful reminder of what she could have had. Suddenly, they had found themselves on the eve before the wedding, and Santana needed more than one bottle of wine to help her get through for the impending day ahead. She was more than grateful that Quinn was with her tonight, offering a shoulder to cry on.
As soon as Brittany had left on that fateful day, where she had arrived in Lima to ask Santana to be her maid of honour and told her how happy she was with Sam, Santana had called Quinn in hysterics. Quinn couldn't even decipher why Santana was so upset, until she got in the car and drove round to Santana's, demanding that she told her everything. And Santana had done just that. She told her literally everything, about how she had harboured this love for years, her issues with Dani, how she had gone to tell Brittany but chickened out so many times. Quinn, who could be unpredictable in such situations, had been non-judgemental and listened calmly to everything. She didn't give Santana that "I told you so" attitude, even though she had told her so many years ago. The news didn't really shock Quinn, and she just took it all in her stride. But in seeing her best friend grow more and more heartbroken as it edged closer to the wedding, she was growing increasingly frustrated.
As they sat out on the porch, Quinn listened to a weepy Santana for the thousandth time, analysing everything that had gone wrong with Brittany.
"It's like Kate and Leo in that scene on the deck" Santana moaned.
"Only you would compare your real-life situation to Titanic, Santana" Quinn laughed, trying to make light of the heavy situation, but with a strong feeling she wasn't going to get anywhere.
Quinn couldn't stand it anymore. She had lent Santana an ear all month and tried to hint at her to do the right thing, but Santana wasn't having any of it. On the eve of Brittany's wedding, she needed to be more upfront, and encourage Santana to be bold. To stand up for what was so rightfully hers.
"Santana, Brittany is yours. Anyone with eyes can see that, and I've been telling you for years now that I could see something between you. The girl has written you a letter professing her undying love for you. I don't understand why you're not doing anything about this before she goes and ahead and does something she quite clearly, is going to regret".
"Quinn, she wrote that letter ages ago, I was too late! She loves Sam now" Santana exclaimed "And plus she's my best friend…"
It was that one thing that had always got in the way. That fear that their friendship would be ruined, so don't say anything and carry on as normal, that had messed them up so badly in the first place. Quinn was exasperated and she stood up to face Santana. Desperate to get through to her.
"No, I'm your best friend. Get it yet?" Quinn shook her head impatiently, wondering what it was going to take for Santana to finally woman up and do something about this.
"We just keep missing each other" Santana sighed, looking down at her feet, a few stray tears escaping her eyes, as Quinn grew more agitated. "You know, maybe we're just not meant to be" Santana shrugged.
"Arghhh!" Quinn groaned. "Right, let me try and explain this, in a language you might understand. There's a ship, there's an iceberg. Ship hits iceberg. Mayhem. Horror. Ocean of ice. And then Brittany…on the last lifeboat. One space left. Is it Sam…or is it San? Who's it gonna be?"
Santana looked at Quinn through tear-filled eyes.
"Come on Lopez. You know the answer. So just…do something about it before it's too late. For everybody's sake!" Quinn urged, leaving the thought hanging heavy in Santana's mind.
February 8th 2020.
This was supposed to be the happiest day of Brittany's life. So why wasn't she feeling on cloud nine right now?
She was grateful that the morning was so busy, filled with last minute touches and having her hair and makeup done, photos, champagne and bridesmaids milling excitedly around her. She barely had a minute to breathe, let alone to have regrets.
The same went for Santana. Even if she wanted to tell Brittany not to marry Sam, to marry her instead, the way they did in movies; she couldn't because the morning was so busy, and she couldn't even grab Brittany for a minute alone.
It wasn't until she heard Brittany send the other bridesmaids on their way in a hunt for items that carried tradition, that Santana could finally creep into the room and have a moment alone with her best friend.
"Brittany, you look so beautiful" Santana whispered, as she appeared in the room, seeing Brittany in her full wedding get up for the first time, and admiring the sight. Of course, she had seen the dress, but she hadn't seen Brittany fully ready, and the picture brought a tear to Santana's eye.
Brittany's own eyes watered, and she stretched out her arms, beckoning Santana to come forward and take her by the hands.
"I feel like I've barely seen you all day" Santana admitted "I just wanted to have a minute alone with you before everything gets crazy".
"I know. That's the whole reason I sent the other bridesmaids off, so we could have some time alone. I don't really believe in all those traditions and superstitions. Well…maybe I do but…it was still an excuse to just have a moment with only you" Brittany laughed, causing Santana to laugh along with her, because what Brittany had just said was so typically Brittany.
"How do you feel?"
Brittany shrugged and shook her body to rid herself of the nerves.
"I don't know. Nervous, I guess? Happy, excited. Scared I'm going to trip down the aisle. All sorts of feelings"
"You won't trip babe" Santana laughed assuredly, before turning serious and reaching out to caress Brittany's upper arms "I can't believe you're getting married Britty".
One of the childhood names she had for Brittany, casually slipping out.
"I know, me neither. It's just…well, it's crazy really" Brittany shrugged.
"You know that I love you, don't you?"
Brittany frowned at the out of the blue statement.
"Of course I do, I never doubt it"
"Good, just checking." Santana smiled.
"And you know that I love you too" Brittany said sternly, and Santana nodded, face filled with emotion.
The two of them locked eyes, Santana still caressing Brittany's arms, the tension between them clear for anyone to see. But in the eye of the storm, the two of them couldn't sense it themselves. They could only see their own feelings, not the ones that were reciprocated and gleaming right back at them.
Suddenly, Brittany's inner thoughts were spilling out like word vomit.
"Santana…do you think I'm doing the right thing?"
This was it. This was Santana's chance. If she was ever going to stop the wedding as Quinn had advised, it was now.
"I can only ask you what I always ask you Brit. Are you happy?"
And Santana yearned for Brittany to admit that no she wasn't. She wasn't happy because she wanted to be with her instead. She'd take the stand again that would lead them to their happiness. Because as much as Santana wanted to be the one to bear her heart, Brittany had always been so much braver.
But Brittany didn't do that. Instead she recomposed herself and said;
"Yeah, sorry. Sorry, it's just nerves that's all. Ignore me. I can't wait to marry Sam"
And Santana didn't really know where she could go from there. She tried to hard to formulate the words and say what she felt, but she couldn't do it. Brittany was happy. She had to leave her be and let her run towards that happiness. The ache in the pit of her stomach, which gravitated up towards her heart, seemed almost unjustifiable. Because it was her own cowardly self that had landed her in this position in the first place.
Santana swallowed, and forced out words that she somehow meant but didn't mean all at the same time.
"I'm really, really happy for you".
Because of course Santana just wanted Brittany to be happy, and if that was with Sam then so be it. But knowing that she could have been the one to make Brittany happy once made that happiness seem bittersweet.
Brittany reached forward and took Santana into her arms, and the two of them shared a long and meaningful embrace. Santana closed her eyes, getting lost in the moment, and unbeknownst to her; Brittany was doing the exact same thing. Suddenly the contact became too much and Santana recomposed herself, a nervous laugh escaping her lip as she held out her hand for Brittany to take. Brittany's emotions were evident, her blue eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Right then Miss Pierce! Let's get you wed." said Santana. Emotions off, doting maid of honour mode on.
Brittany had organised the procession so that the bridesmaids would walk first, with her to follow, and Santana thought this was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it was going to be the only time Santana got to see Brittany approaching her in a wedding dress, but on the other she had to deal with the pain of it being to marry somebody else, watching her face light up in joy as she walked towards her husband-to-be.
"Well…this is it" Santana thought, as the music started playing, and the procession began the way they had rehearsed.
The three bridesmaids walked first. Sam's sister Stacey, Brittany's cousin Hailey and Zara, one of Brittany's good friends from New York, shortly followed by Santana. Last to walk before Brittany, was Mila, who was the flower girl. But instead of carrying flowers, she was holding a wooden sign that said, "Here comes your childhood sweetheart!".
And as much as Santana wanted to cringe and hate it, she couldn't not smile at her 10-year-old, who was still so adorably petite she could pass for an 8-year-old.
Then came Brittany, and although Santana had just seen her moments earlier, the sight of her walking in so elegantly and looking ever so beautiful, physically took Santana's her away. Sam was one lucky, lucky man, and Santana just hoped he knew exactly how lucky he was. What she would have given, to be the one standing there, waiting to marry Brittany. She wondered what Sam's facial expression was, if he was bawling his eyes out at the beautiful angel walking towards him, if his face was illuminated with pure joy. She look turn to find out, because she couldn't take her eyes off Brittany.
For Brittany, walking down the aisle with Kurt who she'd gone against tradition in choosing to give her away because she wanted him to play a big part, was a surreal moment. She couldn't believe she was actually getting married. Everything had spiralled so fast. It wasn't intentional that the first pair of eyes she found and settled on when she walked in belonged to Santana, she just naturally gravitated there, and the two of them shared an intense look. She could see Santana was crying, and that in turn was making her cry. She also couldn't get over how breathtakingly beautiful Santana looked in her maid of honour dress, but before she could stare much longer, she forced herself to rip her eyes away and focus on Sam. The man she was about to marry. The man she was about to spend the rest of her life with.
And as the wedding began, both girls pushing any doubts firmly to the back of their minds. Both of them feeling as if they were watching somebody else's lives unfold rather than living out their own situation; the chance of a future together floated further and further away.
Santana shifted uncomfortably under Quinn's intense gaze that she could feel, knowing that Quinn was wondering why on earth she hadn't put a stop to this and owned up to her feelings. She avoided eye contact, focusing on Brittany and only Brittany instead.
When they got to the part about anybody knowing any reasons why Brittany and Sam shouldn't marry, Santana wanted to cry out, and she could have sworn her lungs were aching from physically holding it in. But of course, she didn't. She stayed silent, as always. A sure sign that this wasn't a movie, it was a reality, and one of them that they were just going to have to live in.
Before Santana knew it, the wedding was over with. As she watched the new Mrs Evans happily kiss her husband, she let the tears run freely down her face. Everybody would think they were happy tears, but they weren't. Quite the opposite. They were tears that strongly symbolised the end of an era. The end of life as Santana knew it. She didn't know who she was without her yearning for Brittany, it had almost become a personality trait, and that saddened her. She finally allowed herself to look at Quinn, and shot her a look that said, "It's really over now, time to move on".
The reception was well underway, and Santana was well aware that any moment now she'd need to stand up and deliver her speech. She was sure her words were going to deceive her, and that every person in the room was going to see through her "happiness". She'd written and rewritten something, several times. As of yet, she didn't know whether she was going to stick to the script or improvise on the spot. The words she had written just didn't seem sincere enough, but if she spoke from the heart, she feared she'd become emotional. But as she heard the round of applause for Pierce, signalling his speech was over, she knew it was time.
Santana sighed. She had to pull it together, show how happy she was for her best friend, for her Brittany.
She stood up and cleared her throat, hoping the guests wouldn't see right through her and sense the nerves in her voice.
"Hi everyone" she started, glancing down at the tattered bit of paper that held her speech, with numerous annotations and crossings out.
"For those I haven't had a chance to say hi to properly, I'm Santana, Brittany's best friend."
She offered a small half-wave to the crowd, before sucking in ready to say the next bit. Be authentic Santana, be authentic.
"And this has got to be one of the happiest days of my life…" she looked to Brittany, who was staring at her with an encouraging smile, and from that she found the strength to continue.
She read through her words, doing everything in her power not to look at Brittany again, knowing those blue eyes had so much potential to make her crack. She went through the motions, following the generic set up of what a speech like this should have. She thanked everybody for coming, thanked the wedding party, shared how she knew Brittany since they were 5, and then forced herself to recall the unmemorable occasion when she had first met Sam. She didn't have a specific time for that, she just made something up about noticing him at school, and when she chanced a look at him, he seemed to go along with it. Her speech had been pretty solemn so far, but she hoped the next part would gain some laughs. She sure as hell needed it, to cover the nerves she was sure could be felt in her voice.
"Word of warning for Sam. Brittany can hold her drink to an almost lethal degree" Santana began, bringing her eyes to meet Brittany's "Something I decided on my 18th birthday when she decided a night of tequila shots was the way to go…"
She laughed, grateful that the other guests seemed to laugh along with her, but Brittany herself stiffened. The night of Santana's 18th birthday, the night that they had first kissed, was something she wasn't expecting Santana to bring up.
"Well you know when people say they were so drunk that the whole night is a blank? And you always say, 'no way, not possible!'. Well…believe me. It's possible…"
Another round of laughter, but Brittany was still motionless, pensive of Santana's words. Sam turned to her in his own laughter, and she forced a smile.
Santana returned to the piece of paper, before deciding it was no good. She only had one chance to deliver this speech, and Brittany deserved it to come from the heart. Not some half-arsed manufactured speech based off various internet templates. She folded the piece of paper away and stared straight at the beautiful bride, letting whatever words came to her mind spill out unreservedly.
"Choosing the person that you want to share your life with, is one of the most important decisions any of us makes…ever. Because when it's wrong, it turns your life to grey. And sometimes…sometimes you don't even notice until you wake up one morning and realise years have gone by. We both know about that one Brit".
Her eyes bore meaningfully into Brittany's, a charged beat between them, before Santana swallowed her emotion and continued.
"Your friendship has brought glorious technicolour to my life. It's been there even in the darkest of times. And I am the luckiest person alive for that gift…I hope I didn't take it for granted. I think, maybe I did."
And Brittany's breathing was heavy, because she didn't know where Santana was going with this.
"Because sometimes you don't see, that the best thing that's ever happened to you is sitting there. Right under your nose. And that's fine too. It really is." Santana nodded in clarity; her speech directed solely at Brittany at this point "Because what I've realised is that, no matter where you are, or what you're doing, or who you're with. I will always, honestly, truly, completely…love you."
Santana's voice cracked with emotion, and she allowed herself to get lost in shock filled aqua eyes. Right there, in that moment, there was nobody else in the room but Santana and Brittany. The raw impact of Santana's words had been delivered straight from the heart, and she'd had no control over what she was saying once she begun. Years of harboured feelings had spilled out in a minute.
For Brittany, she couldn't quite process this. Was Santana declaring her love for her, just hours after she had married somebody else? Her head was spinning with epiphanic realisations, throat burning with words that she desperately wanted to say.
It was the hushed whispers of the guests that brought Santana back down to reality, and she quickly snatched her eyes away from Brittany's. She noticed everybody staring at her questioningly, including Sam. She looked to Quinn, who for once in her life looked gobsmacked. She'd told Santana to do something about this and tell Brittany how she really felt, but she didn't expect her to do it after the wedding, mid-speech. Quinn took a large gulp of her wine, the tension in the air felt unbearable.
To Santana's defence, she hadn't expected or planned it either. It had all just fallen out, desperately and uncontrollably. But as she looked around the room at the shocked faces, the confusion, the frowns, including Brittany's own dazed expression, she panicked. What had she just said!? She quickly thought on her feet to redeem herself, guard shooting firmly back up.
"Like…a sister loves a sister. And a friend, loves a friend." Chocolate eyes darted from side-to-side, a giveaway she was lying to those who loved her the most, but luckily for Santana, the majority of the guests didn't know her well enough, and the frowns and confusion began to dissipate.
"I will always stay in guard of your dreams Brit. No matter how…weird or twisted they get."
And Brittany's mouth twitched, her watery eyes never leaving Santana's, because she was still having all of these sobering realisations.
Santana's voice was by now, merely a quiver, as she raised her glass to finish her speech.
"So please, everybody, join me in a toast. To the bride, and groom."
Brittany wiped a tear from the corner of the eye, finally looking away from Santana and to the man she had just married. Just married for goodness sake!? She was married, and still thinking about Santana.
But after that speech, how could she possibly not?
As soon as the reception was over, Santana ran outside to get some air, her frantic sobs taking over her body as soon as she was out the door. All the emotions of today, of the past few weeks, of the years of secretly loving Brittany hit her full force.
She heard the door close behind her, and she frantically wiped at her face, not wanting to have to explain to anyone why the maid of honour was standing alone on a rooftop fire escape in floods of tears.
"That was quite the speech San"
Oh god. It was Brittany.
"Brittany, I…" but Brittany raised her hand to stop her, and she walked over to join Santana. The two of them faced outwards to stare at the Lima skyline. The air heavily clouded with yet more unspoken words.
"Mila looked beautiful today, just like you". Brittany began, her tone giving nothing away.
"She did…" Santana managed, the emotions in her voice palpable.
"Just…so grown up. I can't believe she's turning 11 next month"
"I know, me neither" Santana shook her head in disbelief, the time when she was a scared, pregnant 18-year-old now seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Then before we know it, she's in middle school, that's when the fun really starts." Said Brittany, nudging Santana playfully.
"Oh god…don't remind me!" Santana laughed lightly. She wasn't even perplexed by the spontaneous conversation about Mila on Brittany's wedding day, on a rooftop of all places, considering how much they talked about the little girl who was growing up so fast.
"That might be where she meets her first boyfriend, or girlfriend. And you'll probably be tearing your hair out when she does".
Santana laughed again, nodding her head in agreement. She was definitely going to be a protective mama bear when the time came, hopefully years away from now.
"You're an amazing mom Santana, I tell you that all the time. But…can I give you some advice to give to Mila from her Aunty Brit, for when she does meet that special someone?"
By now, Santana was confused where Brittany was going with this, but she figured there was always a method in her madness. It wasn't unlike Brittany to say something completely random and off topic.
"Of course, B" Santana smiled.
"Will you tell her to be mindful when it comes to love? She's a mini you, and she has all your best traits. But that can also mean that she can be stubborn and insecure and defensive. So, if somebody comes along that she really likes, will you tell her to put all that aside and think twice about rejecting them? Even if it's the kind of love that shocks her like say, I don't know…she falls in love with her best friend?" Brittany rambled "Yeah okay, let's go with that. Let's say Mila falls in love with Lily, but she's scared by that because they've been best friends since they were children and it all feels so daunting to add feelings into the mix, so she rejects her."
Santana frowned in confusion, and went to open her mouth to speak, but Brittany continued.
"If she rejects Lily, Lily is going to make it her life mission to find somebody else, just to try and get over Mila. She'll end up marrying this…guy and spending the rest of her life with him. And he'd be a nice guy and she'd tell herself that this guy is perfect." Brittany swallowed, composing herself "She really must be happy. But…it won't be Mila, you know?"
Santana stood frozen. She knew exactly what Brittany was doing here. She was recounting their own past and showing her own feelings under the guise of Lily. Santana of course, being the Mila in the situation. Did Brittany seriously only marry Sam to get over her? Santana's head was chaotic with thoughts, yet numb at the same time, struggling to process everything after a heavy 24 hours.
"Brittany?" she questioned, seeking more clarification, not really knowing where to go from here.
Brittany laughed nervously, shuffling her feet, preparing herself for what she was next about to say. One of several epiphanies that she'd had during Santana's speech.
"I didn't realise until tonight Santana, that you forgot…"
Santana looked at Brittany searchingly.
"Your 18th birthday. About…5 tequila shots in? I think…" Brittany laughed, in an effort to hide the nerves "Right before you fell…we kissed".
Santana's shook her head with confusion; because this was all news to her. How could she have forgotten a kiss with Brittany? Even if she was as drunk as she was.
"The next day I…well, I was really excited about it. But you told me you wanted to forget everything, because you were so embarrassed" said Brittany, and Santana dropped her head because she couldn't bear the sadness in Brittany's tone, knowing she was the reason for it. "I didn't realise you had actually forgotten about the kiss, and that you were you talking about the night in general, falling, having to be picked up by my parents, all of that. I thought that was just your way of rejecting me".
Suddenly, Santana was having all these epiphanies, just like Brittany had when Santana had delivered the speech. She didn't know it was so possible to be angry at a version of herself from 12 years ago, but she was. Her drunken 18-year-old self had quite possibly ruined everything. Things could have been so different, if she had remembered.
"So that's why you insisted on going with Sam to the prom?" Santana asked sadly.
Brittany swallowed, the burn of letting Santana go, in order to go to prom with somebody else, still hurt all these years later. It was the start of their pain.
"And you went with Puck…" Brittany said, her voice small. She was unable to look at Santana anymore.
And suddenly Santana realised just how brave Brittany had been on more than one occasion over the years. The letter was just one aspect of it. Meanwhile, she herself had done nothing, apart from lose all control during her speech and accidentally blurt out her feelings, before covering them up again.
Despite the fact Brittany was now married to someone else, and it was seemingly too late, Santana knew she needed to be brave now. She needed to be as brave as Brittany and make it abundantly clear how she felt, in a bid to ease all of this rejection Brittany had been carrying all these years.
To try an make some sense of all this miscommunication between them over the years, that had landed them where they were today.
"Your letter…" Santana began, causing Brittany to look back up at her startled "I only got it months after you sent it. Dani found it before I did, and she opened it and kept it from me. I'm still so furious with her for doing that but…she did the right thing in the end. When we split up, she gave me it, and that's when I realised how you felt. I called you straight away, but Sam answered. It was the day you told me you had gotten engaged. Brittany you just sounded so happy, and I assumed you'd moved on from me. I couldn't stand in the way of that. I didn't realise the extent of your feelings until…well, until what you just said".
Suddenly the tears were spilling down Brittany's flushed cheeks, and she didn't even care that all of her wedding makeup was smudged all over her face. Santana still thought, even with mascara tracks fresh down her face, that Brittany was the most beautiful bride she'd ever seen.
"And what would you have said, if Sam hadn't of answered the phone or…if I hadn't mentioned the engagement" Brittany sniffed, biting her lip as another sob escaped her.
Santana took Brittany's hands, not wanting to cross any lines knowing that Brittany was now married, but also wanting to make her next words assertive. They were so important. And finally, she was being brave enough to say them.
"I would have told you what I wanted to tell you years ago. That I love you, Brittany Pierce. Not as a sister, not as a friend. That I am so ridiculously in love with you, that it hurts to look at you sometimes, and know that you're not mine. But at the same time, looking at you is the cause of my biggest smiles. Being with you is the reason for my heaviest laughter. I would have told you that it's always been you, Brit. And maybe I didn't realise it as soon as you did, but once I did…" she placed her hand under Brittany's chin to stare her deep in the eyes "Once I did, I never stopped".
So they finally know how they feel about each other. Clearly they've got a lot more to talk about, so stay tuned, but I hope this has been a nice Christmas present for those waiting for them to finally have this moment of realisation, and a positive end to a drama-filled 5 days.
As I said, stay tuned, next chapters are all about where they go from here :)
