It wasn't until I was back in the artificially darkened classroom that I realized how much I had been worn down by the work I had done at recess. I was ready to hit the hay – or at least, a foam mat – for a fat nap.
"You lot know what happens now by this point, right?" said Mr. Pony nonchalantly. "Naptime. Quiet Coloring. Thematic music. I've got some urgent e-paperwork to e-file, so please just follow thee rules while I do that." They didn't even bother to use their biting tone of voice when pronouncing naptime. I didn't need any additional prompting as I already slouched towards the nearest nap-mat. As far as I cared, Randy could handle the rules. As I lay me down to rest, I cast a quick glance at who was at the quiet coloring table – it was the usual suspects, Rachel and Jacques, but also accompanied by Owen, Kiki, and Eli, meaning that this was the most people who had ever been quiet coloring at once. I had a feeling that was important for some reason, but before I could make a mental note of it, I drifted off to sleep…
I awoke seated in my assigned seat. Had I fallen asleep in class? I wondered. I quickly looked around to see a darkened classroom where all of my classmates were seated, though their faces were all censored. No. This is only a dream.
"Oh, you bet it's a dream!" came Mr. Pony's voice. They were strangely lit standing next to the easel pad, in contrast to the dark classroom. "And you know what that means! Time for another TED Talk!"
I was transfixed to my seat, unable to move even a muscle, as if I had sleep paralysis.
"By the way," continued Mr. Pony, "I have an important question to ask you. You know what a multiple choice question is, right?"
I was transfixed to my seat, unable to move even a muscle, as if I had sleep paralysis. Far in the distance, I could hear the sound of a large man guffawing loudly. I wanted to say yes. My brain said yes, it sent the command to say 'yes' to my mouth box, but no matter how intensely and furiously I concentrated, I could not move my jaw to speak the word.
"Ohoho," chuckled Mr. Pony, putting both their hands over their mouth mischievously. "Don't hurt yourself thinking too hard about the answer. It's a simple yes or no question."
I was, quite literally, screaming internally.
"Well, if you answered 'yes', I've got another question for ya. Did you know that the last question I asked you was a multiple choice question?"
I thought about this new question a little bit. I supposed? Was I supposed to answer yes to this one, too?
"Well, it was!" Mr. Pony put their hands on their stomach. "Did I lead you astray? You see, I tried to make you think the only answers to the first question were 'yes' or 'no', when in truth, it was a multiple choice question the whole time!"
I was wracking my brain, thinking very confused. Weren't 'yes' and 'no' already multiple choices? What on Earth could Mr. Pony be talking about?
"Sure, you can answer yes, or you can answer no, but that's not the point!" exclaimed Mr. Pony, putting a comical amount of emphasis on both of the 'can's in their sentence. "The point is that it's a multiple choice question, so there has to be multiple choices! You can answer anything your little heart desires!"
I felt my consciousness fading again, so if any further content remained in this bizarre TED Talk, I missed out on it. I felt like Mr. Pony had been trying to make some kind of point, but it had become muddled behind their usual zaniness, and my brain was too tired to think of it any further.
The sound of the iPhone alarm jolted me awake. Already? I thought. But I just fell asleep!
"Rise and shine, sleepyheads!" cried Mr. Pony, seemingly refreshed. Way more refreshed than I was, at least. Perhaps they were "gone" off that caffeine, as they would call it. "Naptime is over. Let's get to our next activity quickly, since it'll take a while to complete."
"Clean up! Clean up! Everybody Everywhere!" started chanting Randy, 'encouraging' his fellow classmates to put their nap mats back into the closet faster. Once that task had been completed, we returned to our assigned seats.
"Hey Jordan," said Kathleen from across the table. "Did you sleep good? That construction work takes more out of you than you think."
"Yeah," I agreed, before adding "Er, about the construction work being hard. I don't feel like I slept at all."
"You were working on the tunnel just now?" asked Jenny, a bit surprised.
"Yup!" replied Kathleen. Jordan, William and I all helped out. We found this cool room!"
"Wow, really? Man, I kinda regret going on the swingset then."
"Yeah, we'll have to show you it tomorrow," said Kathleen, before glancing to her left and saying "Whoa, that's a cool drawing, Kiki!"
"Thanks," said Kiki, as Jenny and I both looked at the paper in front of her as well. "I made it during naptime just now." I… couldn't tell what the drawing was supposed to be. It looked like one of those images that clearly has a lot of objects in it, but you can't really tell what any of the objects are.
"All right, you lot, we're going to be doing this the same way as last time. This time, since Julia isn't going to participate, We'll have five groups of two, with three people left over."
Julia sat nonchalantly in her seat with her eyes closed. If she had a cup of tea, she would probably be sipping it right now.
"Eli, Jordan, and Randy are going to be the three leftover people, since they were the rest of the top 4 behind Julia," continued Mr. Pony. I gulped. It was all so strange to have all this decided for me. "As for the groups, they are: Group 1: Jacques and Kristy, Group 2: Jenny and Kathleen, Group 3: Skylar and William, Group 4: Kiki and Rachel, and Group 5: Owen and Jeremy. Please come up to the front of the room and get in your groups."
While the other groups assembled in a line, Randy, Eli and I hung back, since we were still waiting for the next round.
"Let's get this started right away with Group 1," said Mr. Pony, sitting down at their desk and shuffling the stack of index cards. "Are you two both ready?"
"You betcha!" said Kristy, and Jacques nodded in affirmation.
"Okay, Kristy, your word is fire."
"F-i-r-e."
"Correct. Jacques, your word is bump."
"B-u-m-p."
"Correct. Flair."
"F-l-a-r-e."
"Incorrect."
"What?" asked Kristy for a second, raising a scolding, accusatory gloved finger. However, she soon realized her mistake and put her hand over her mouth in surprise. "Aw, no! I forgot there was two flare's!"
"Jacques, can you spell flair?"
Jacques looked at Kristy for a second, clearly thinking about what she had said. "F-l-a-i-r."
"Correct! Jacques is the winner for Group 1."
"Man," said Kristy. "That's kinda unfare. Spelled 'u-n-f-a-r-e'.".
"No," canceled Randy. "Remember last time that happened?" we all flashed back to earlier in the day where Kiki had misheard 'basis' as 'bases', and the ensuing argument. "If we want to be fair, we have to follow the ru-ules."
"Yeah, I get that," said Kristy, looking down slightly disappointedly and exhaling. "It's still a bummer though." She went back to her assigned seat, and it occurred to me that she had been the first person to lose, twice in a row. I suddenly felt much more bad for her.
"Okay, next group! Jenny and Kathleen!" Mr. Pony motioned for them to move along, like they always do. Just to make it through.
"Ready?" They both nodded. "Jenny, your word is edge."
"E-d-g-e."
"Correct. Kathleen, your word is clue."
"C-l-u-e."
"Correct. Frozen."
"F-r-o-z-e-n."
"Correct. Squid."
"S-q-u-i-d."
"Correct." There seemed to be a highly competitive air in this round, maybe it was because the two of them sat right across from each other in class. They exchanged a few more choice words of increasing difficulty, with neither making any mistakes. It seemed like they had both somehow improved from the first practice round.
"P-e-n-a-l-i-z-e-d," spelled Kathleen, crossing her arms and looking to the side thoughtfully.
"Correct. Geometric."
"G-e-o-m-e-t-r-i-c," responded Jenny, looking out at Mr. Pony from under her bangs.
"Correct. Ambulance."
"A-m-b-u-l-a...n-t-s."
"Incorrect," judged Mr. Pony. "Jenny, can you spell ambulance?"
"A-m-b-u-l-a-n-c-e."
"Correct," concluded Mr. Pony. "Jenny moves on to round 2! Well done, both of you."
"Ah, well," said Kathleen, putting one of her hands behind her head and closing her eyes disappointedly. "Good job, Jenny."
"Thanks," said Jenny, turning to head back to the end of the line. "Though I think I'll probably be joining you back at the table soon."
"Don't say that!" insisted Kathleen. "You're gonna win!" She headed back to the first table.
"Group 3! Skylar and William," announced Mr. Pony. Both of them stepped forward. I had a feeling there was a lot riding on this, maybe because Skylar looked pretty chill about it, but William seemed to be a little nervous. "Are you both ready?"
"Oh, for sure," answered Skylar, as William gulped and nodded.
"All right then, William, your word is dark."
"D-a-r-k," he said, a little stiffly.
"Correct. Skylar, your word is quiet."
"Q-u-i-e-t."
"Correct. Royal."
"R-o-y-a-l."
"Correct. Turkey."
"T-u-r-k-e-y."
"Correct. Spinach."
"S-p-i-n-a-c-h." William was starting to speak more confidently as he got into his element.
"Correct. Delight."
"D-e-l-i-g-h-t."
"Correct. Saturday."
"S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y."
"Correct. Victimize."
"V-i-c-t-i-m-i-z-e."
"Correct. Treasure."
"T-r-e..." began William, before screwing up his face thoughtfully, clearly trying to sound out the word in his head. "...s-h-u-r."
"Incorrect."
"Nuts!" said William.
"Skylar, can you spell treasure?"
"Totally," she said, masking a quick glance at William by brushing back one of her pigtails with one of her hands. "T-r-e-s-s-u-r-e."
"Also incorrect," evaluated Mr. Pony, and William let out a small sigh of relief. "The correct spelling is T-r-e-a-s-u-r-e." They flipped the index card around to show the two students. "Okay William, your next word is Radiator."
"R-a-y-d-e-a-t-e-r," said William, his confidence waning after making a mistake.
"Incorrect."
"Oof."
"Skylar, can you spell Radiator?"
Skylar looked like she was thinking hard. "R-a-d-i-a-t-e-r," she finally answered.
"Incorrect." They both seemed to be struggling out there. "It's R-a-d-i-a-t-o-r. William, next word is Asparagus."
"A-s-p-a-r-a-g-u-s," spelled William.
"Correct," said Mr. Pony. "Skylar, your word is Appointment."
"A-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t," she said.
"Incorrect. William, can you spell Appointment?"
"A-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t."
"Correct! William moves on to the next round. That was… a hard fought win, for sure."
"Yussss!" said William triumphantly. "I finally won!"
"Yeah," agreed Skylar, before beginning to return to her seat. "Congratulations."
That struck me as a bit of a strange reaction. I tried thinking about why, and eventually came back to what Skylar had said earlier today about not really caring about the spelling bee, so that explained why she was so dismissive of losing. Nonetheless, William trotted over to join myself, Randy, Jacques, Jenny, and Eli in the group for the next round.
"Group 4, Kiki and Rachel," called Mr. Pony from their desk.
"Check it out, Jordan," he said, approaching me first. "I made it past the first round this time!" He seemed excited, so I didn't really have the heart to bring up the possibility that Skylar might have taken a page from Owen and Rachel's books and lost on purpose.
"Congrats," I said, thinning my lips Britishly. I reached up to pat him on the shoulder as if he were an old fellow or an old chap.
"Incorrect," came Mr. Pony's voice. "Kiki, can you spell tuba?"
"T-u-b-a," said Kiki.
"Correct," said Mr. Pony. "Kiki wins Group 4."
"Word," said Kiki, doing the 'sup nod to Rachel, who headed back to her table shortly after.
"Group 5, Owen and Jeremy," proceeded Mr. Pony.
Owen pranced forward while Jeremy slunk alongside him sluggishly.
"Psst," whispered Jenny from next to me. "Do you think he's going to lose on purpose again?"
I put my hand over my nose and mouth thoughtfully. "I don't know. He was up to something weird during lunch, so I wouldn't put it past him."
"Are you two ready?" asked Mr. Pony.
"Yeah," answered Jeremy.
"Ready like some spaghetti on the serenghetti," agreed Owen. Jeremy tch-ed at him annoyedly.
"All-righty then! Jeremy, your first word is flag."
"F-l-a-g."
"Correct. Owen, your word is lift."
"L-i-f-t."
"Correct." Jenny and I both blinked in surprise. Was he taking it seriously this time? "Water."
"W-a-t-e-r."
"Correct. Queue."
Owen raised one of his fingers to his mouth, an expression of innocent curiosity on his face. "Can you use that in a sentence?"
Mr. Pony raised one of their hands to their mouth and tilted their head to the side quizzically. "There was a long queue to get into the hardware store."
"Q-u-e-u-e."
"Correct. School."
"S-c-h-o-o-l," spelled Jeremy, because that's where he currently was.
"Correct. Because."
"B-e-c-a-u-s-e."
"Correct. Cyclone."
"C-y-c-l-o-n-e."
"Correct. Midnight."
"M-i-d-n-i-g-h-t."
"Correct. Military."
"M-i-l-l-i-t-a-r-y."
"Incorrect." Jeremy scowled slightly. "Owen, can you spell military?"
"M-i-l-i-t-a-r-y," responded Owen.
"That is correct," judged Mr. Pony. "Owen wins Group 5, which means that's the end of the first round." I took a quick look around myself to double check who was left, besides me – it was William, Kiki, Jenny, Randy, Jacques, Owen, and Eli. I had no idea who I was going to get paired up with. I hoped it wasn't Eli again, though Jenny and Randy also seemed like good spellers. Owen was also still a wild card. My mind was racing in anticipation.
"We're about to start round 2," continued Mr. Pony, after scribbling a few things on a piece of paper in front of them, "so I'll go ahead and announce the groups for that right… now! Group 1: Jacques and Randy, Group 2: Jordan and Jenny, Group 3: Eli and William, and Group 4: Kiki and Owen." Everyone paused for a second to size up their competition. The tension in the air rose, as if it was climbing up the first big hill of a roller coaster. I could feel my heart beating in my ears. "Do you have any particular order you want to go in?"
"H-how about numerical order?" offered Eli, who was starting to look a bit spooked about having to perform in such a high-pressure environment. It was like he was about to give a presentation to the class, he didn't want to be first or last, but somewhere in the middle.
"That makes sense, as long as no one objects?" asked Randy. I looked briefly around again, to Jenny, to the rest of us for any response. There was none. "Right," continued Randy. "Whenever you're ready, Jacques." Jacques nodded silently and both of them strode forward towards Mr. Pony.
"Ready? Okay, Randy, your first word is mask."
"M-a-s-k."
"Correct. Jacques, your first word is fact."
"F-a-c-t." Jacques' unblinking eyes burned intensely, eager to claim victory against his flanneled, elegantly eyelashed, chiseled cheekboned opponent.
"Correct. Zebra."
"Z-e-b-r-a."
"Correct. Story."
"S-t-o-r-y."
"Correct. Bucket."
"B-u-c-k-e-t."
"Correct. Destroy."
"D-e-s-t-r-o-y."
"Correct. Required."
"R-e-q-u-i-r-e-d."
"Correct. November."
"N-o-v-e-m-b-e-r."
"Correct. Triangle."
"T-r-i-a-n-g-l-e."
"Correct. Vacuum."
"V-a-c-y-u-m-e."
"...Incorrect," said Mr. Pony after a short pause. "Randy, can you spell vacuum?"
"V-a-c-u-u-m." Similarly to how Julia did not open her eyes to spell the finishing word, Randy did not even uncross his red-and-black-flanneled arms while spelling.
"Correct. Randy wins group 1."
"What? Is that really how it's spelled?" asked a puzzled Jacques.
"Yup!" answered Mr. Pony, nodding and flipping the index card around.
"Huh. That is another weird word," remarked Jacques brusquely, looking down somewhat disappointedly, his eyes cooling off as he accepted defeat. He then scratched his head before returning to his seat with long-legged strides.
"Ahem, so if everyone's still Gucci with going in numerical order, Jordan and Jenny, you're up next," said Mr. Pony, putting a comical amount of emphasis on the 'u' noise in 'Gucci'. I stared off into space for a few seconds before finally registering that I was being spoken to. I snapped back to reality, like Eminem, and awkwardly hop-stepped forward to catch up with Jenny and take my place in front of the intrepid teacher.
"Are you both ready?" asked said teacher. "Jenny nodded, and I also nodded a second later. "Okay Jenny, your first word is foam." They put a sensible, but not comical amount of emphasis on the 'm' in 'foam' to distinguish it from 'phone'.
"F-o-a-m."
"Correct. Jordan, your first word is Video."
"V-i-d-e-o."
"Correct. Eraser."
"E-r-a-s-e-r."
"Correct. Volcano."
"V-o-l-k-a-n-o."
"Incorrect." I blinked. Wait, was that incorrect? What did I say again? I began panicking a little. "Jenny, can you spell volcano?"
"V-o-l-c-a-n-o."
"Correct. And… Jenny wins for group 2."
"Wait, what did I say?" I asked. "Did I not spell it right?"
"No," replied Jenny. "You said 'k' instead of 'c'."
"I did?" I asked, sounding spelling out the word in my head a little bit. Volcano. V-o-l-k… Huh. "Huh, I guess I did," I said, curling my hand to my chin thoughtfully and looking off into the distance. I guess that had just sounded right in my head, and I just didn't bother to check it. I felt like my stamp booklet had just flown over my shoulder and landed before coming to rest behind me as my eyes widened because I was not expecting this outcome. I felt like I was turning around dramatically to stare at my lifeless stamp booklet on the ground and say something like "impossible" or "no way".
"Maybe you really do have amnesia," joked Jenny. I just shook my head in disbelief. Not only did I lose because of such an amateurish mistake, I was barely a week into school and I was somehow becoming known as Jor-bah, the amnesiac stamp collector. In short, I was down bad. I trudged back to the first table slowly. Just like that, just by accident, I had been eliminated from the practice spelling bee. If this was my reality, it almost didn't feel real.
