Nathan sat in Dr. Shane Cantrell's office, nervously bouncing his leg up and down. He eyed the therapist sitting on the couch across from him with calm eyes, who had insisted on being called Shane rather than Dr. Cantrell. Elizabeth sat at Nathan's side, waiting for one or the other to begin speaking after the initial introductions.
"So, Nathan," Shane said, hands folded in front of him, "what brings you here?"
"Nightmares," Nathan said succinctly.
Shane raised his brows. "Okay. What kind of nightmares?"
"Nightmares related to a traumatic experience several months ago," Nathan replied. "Elizabeth was kidnapped by a very evil man, and I was shot and nearly killed. The nightmares are about everything that could have gone wrong then." He hesitated, glancing at Elizabeth. "And they usually involve Elizabeth being hurt and sometimes killed." He let out a breath. "They always end the same - with me falling over the edge of an abyss into darkness."
Shane wrote something on his paper, taking in the way Nathan's eyes kept darting to Elizabeth as he spoke. "Mrs. Grant, can I ask you to step outside for a few minutes?" he asked.
Nathan's eyes widened. "What? No, I need her to stay here…"
"It's just for a few minutes," Shane interrupted. "I promise it won't be long."
Elizabeth smiled at Nathan, pressing a hand to his cheek. "I'll be right outside," she said, her voice reassuring.
Nathan watched her go, feeling hesitant. He looked back at Shane. "Why did you send her out?"
Shane leaned forward. "Nathan, I need you to be detailed about these nightmares. I could tell that you didn't want to get into how bad they were with your wife in the room, especially since she's involved in them. I need the facts if I'm going to help you." He leaned back again. "If you have it, PTSD can take some time to recover from. It's not a diagnosis I make lightly." He looked Nathan in the eye. "I'm not going to lie to you. These sessions will probably be emotionally painful for you, at least for a time. You're going to be dragging up memories you'd rather keep hidden. Sometimes it's best to do that alone, with an objective third party listening. With someone you love nearby, you might filter what you say, and I don't want you filtering anything."
Nathan's mind resisted, but he knew Shane was right. He would filter his dreams if Elizabeth was with him. Slowly, holding eye contact with the counselor, he nodded. "Alright."
Shane nodded. "I'll let your wife know. I need you to start thinking of everything that led up to this traumatic event, and then you'll need to tell me all of it."
Letting out a breath, Nathan felt fear rise, but he nodded. "Everything."
Shane went to tell Elizabeth that Nathan would be doing the session on his own, giving Nathan a minute to think. By the time Shane sat down again, Nathan sat up straighter, resolved to do what he needed to get better.
"Alright," Shane said. "Let's start at the beginning. Don't worry about making sense or even thinking through what you're saying; just let the thoughts out."
Nathan did. Starting with his original bust of Wyatt's human trafficking ring and ending with his long recovery process, he let it all out. He had no idea if it was cohesive; he just talked. More than he ever had in one sitting before. By the time he was done, he felt exhausted but also lighter. It felt good to get it all out in the open to a stranger, someone who wasn't connected to all the bad things that had happened.
Shane finished jotting down some notes, then looked at Nathan with compassion in his eyes. "You've been through a lot," he stated simply. "It's no wonder you're having nightmares. When did they start?"
"A month ago," Nathan said. "For four months I was fine, but this last month has been awful. It's affecting my sleep." He frowned. "And why would it be starting up now? It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't they have started right away?"
Shane shook his head. "Not necessarily. From what you told me, you were healing for three of those months physically, and then it took some time to get back into your normal routine after that. By the time you were physically healed and back into your life, your brain began replaying what was happening. Your fears are manifesting in nightmares." He glanced at his notepad, then back at Nathan. "Tell me about these nightmares. Are they the same? Different?"
Nathan pressed his lips together. "They're usually similar, though the details sometimes differ." He hesitated, not liking to remember the dreams. "They almost always begin with me looking for Elizabeth, knowing she's in danger but unable to find her. Sometimes I come across my friends, Carson and Faith or Lee and Rosemary, and they're always in danger too, but I can't help them. Something bars me from getting to them. Then Elizabeth's cries become worse, and I see Wyatt, sneering at me, taunting me, telling me I'll never find her." He drew in a deep breath. "Then I find her, thinking she's about to be safe, and Wyatt appears behind her…" He trailed off, closing his eyes.
Shane's calm voice encouraged him on. "I know this is difficult. Take the time you need and then continue."
Nathan nodded, taking several long breaths before speaking again. "Normally a few things happen. Either he sexually assaults her or tries to kill her, sometimes both." His throat worked, hating the memory that stirred up. "Then I charge him. It always ends with me getting shot multiple times and then falling off a cliff into total darkness. And then I wake up." He grit his teeth. "I always feel so helpless when I first wake up, as if I can't protect the ones I love."
Shane studied him. "I think that might be the key," he said finally. "I'd hazard a guess that your most deeply rooted fear is losing the ones you love." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. "You're a protector by nature, aren't you?"
Nathan nodded. "I've been told that a time or two."
"And you just experienced something that rattled that protector instinct," Shane said straightforwardly. "You couldn't protect your friends from a man who was after them to hurt you, and then your wife was taken. But you did save her, didn't you?"
"Barely," Nathan said, still seething at the memory. "He would have raped her if I had been a minute later…"
"But you weren't," Shane said, his gaze direct. "You got there in time to save your wife. And from what I understand, you saved her from the bullets as well. You rescued her twice."
"This time," Nathan said, chewing his bottom lip. "But who's to say next time will be the same?" He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but something about Shane Cantrell made Nathan trust him.
"You can't live in 'what ifs'," Shane said matter-of-factly. "The fact remains that you saved Elizabeth, and the man who caused all this pain is dead. So now your nightmares are a reflection of the fear you experienced in that moment, as well as the fears you have of losing Elizabeth. Maybe Wyatt has become a representation of the evil in the world, and you're afraid you won't be able to save Elizabeth from that evil."
"Maybe," Nathan conceded. "I couldn't bear it if something happened to her."
Shane nodded. "I can tell." He glanced at his notes, then looked back at Nathan. "Our time is about up for today, but I want you to know that I think it is likely you're suffering from PTSD. I want to take a couple more sessions before formally declaring that, but that's probably the case." He stood, holding out his hand. Nathan stood as well, shaking it firmly. Shane smiled. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell your story. I believe I'll be able to help you."
Nathan allowed a small smile. "I hope you can."
Elizabeth watched Nathan as he slept. After a month of seeing Shane Cantrell, Nathan's nightmares had been lessening. He still had them a few times a week, but just speaking about his fears and his nightmares in the open had lessened their power over him.
As happy as she was that he was getting better, sometimes her heart ached when she caught in him a nightmare. Just a few minutes ago she'd woken to Nathan thrashing around in his sleep. Heart breaking, she'd placed a hand over his heart, whispering words of love to him even though she knew he couldn't hear her. But it had worked; Nathan's thrashing stopped, and his breathing turned deep and even, a peaceful look on his face. Even seeing him at peace, Elizabeth couldn't fall asleep again. She simply watched him, happy to see him resting.
She snuggled close to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Love for him overwhelmed her. She hated seeing him so distressed, but she was thankful he had been open to getting the help he needed. He wasn't where he needed to be yet, but he was getting there.
After an hour, Elizabeth gave up trying to sleep. She slipped from their bed and walked quietly to the kitchen. It was 4:30, earlier than she usually started her day but late enough to make falling asleep again futile. She started the coffee and then pulled ingredients from the fridge and cabinets. If she was awake this early, she might as well do some breakfast baking.
As she pulled the finished blueberry muffins from the oven, she heard Nathan moving around in their room. Placing the muffins on a hot pad, she started on the eggs. Within a few minutes, Nathan joined her in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her and pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Good morning, sweetheart," he said. "Something smells amazing."
"Muffins and eggs," Elizabeth replied, smiling at him over her shoulder. "And coffee, of course."
Nathan held her close for a few moments before releasing her. "Thank you for making breakfast," he said, giving her a big smile as he poured two cups of coffee. Elizabeth finished the eggs, then brought the food to the table. They ate together, enjoying their morning before the work day started.
"Did you have a nightmare again last night?" Elizabeth asked, sipping her coffee.
Nathan's eyes were reflective. "You know, I remember one starting, and it was shaping up to be a really bad one. But then I heard your voice calling to me, saying how much you loved me and that everything would be alright. The nightmare vanished, and I don't remember any dreams after that."
Elizabeth's eyes watered. "You heard that?" she whispered, a hand at her heart.
Nathan raised a brow, looking slightly confused. "Yes…"
She took his hand. "You were thrashing around last night, and it woke me up. I started talking to you, and you calmed down. I didn't realize you could hear me."
Nathan smiled at her tenderly, raising her hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to her fingers. "I heard you, sweetheart." He looked deeply into her eyes, and she saw his love shining from his heart. "Thank you."
She smiled back, finding joy in their tender moment. Nathan glanced at the clock and sighed. "I have to get going."
"I know," Elizabeth said softly, gently releasing his hand.
Nathan carried their dishes to the sink and started washing them. "When do you have to go in today?" he asked.
Elizabeth stood. "Not for another couple of hours," she said. "I think I'll head to the cafe and talk with Faith."
Nathan smiled. "Good plan." He looked at her, pausing in washing the dishes. "Has she said anything more about us adopting the baby?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "She hasn't made a decision yet. She told me she had an appointment yesterday to see how things were progressing, so maybe that helped her with figuring out what she wants to do."
Nathan dried his hands, walking over to Elizabeth. "Are you going to be disappointed if she decides to give the baby to a couple she doesn't know?" he asked softly. "I know you want to be a mother, and it hasn't happened for us yet. How attached are you to the idea of raising Faith's baby?"
"Honestly?" Elizabeth said. "I haven't gotten attached to the idea since I know there are so many different options Faith could choose. She still has three months left in her pregnancy, and she may very well decide she wouldn't be able to handle watching her child grow up with someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up wanting the baby to go to a good family, but a family she wouldn't have to see every day. If we adopt her child, she will have a constant reminder that she chose to give the baby up. It might be too much for her." She placed a hand on his cheek. "I'll be fine with whatever she chooses. And as for us becoming parents, we've only been intentionally trying for a baby for three months. It may not have happened yet, but I'm sure it will soon."
Nathan smiled and hugged her close. "I'm glad you have a level head about this, Elizabeth. Faith is lucky to have a friend like you." He pulled back, running a hand through her hair. "And our children are going to be incredibly lucky to have you as their mother."
"Not to mention how lucky they'll be to have you for their father," Elizabeth said, reaching up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. "Now go get ready. We don't want you to be late for work."
A half hour later, after saying goodbye to Nathan and getting ready for the day, Elizabeth walked into Coffee and Books, finding Faith behind the counter. It appeared to be a slow day, and Faith smiled sunnily when she saw Elizabeth. "I was hoping I'd see you this morning," Faith said. "Can we talk?"
"Of course," Elizabeth replied. "I was hoping the same thing."
"You want a raspberry white mocha?" Faith asked.
Chucking, Elizabeth nodded. "You know me so well."
"Friends know friends," Faith returned, her smile bright. Elizabeth studied her. There was a peace and a happiness in Faith's eyes that she hadn't seen in a while. Whatever Faith wanted to talk about, Elizabeth had the sense she'd come to a decision about her baby.
The two women got settled at a table, away from anyone else so their conversation would remain private. Faith settled her hands around a cup of herbal tea while Elizabeth sipped her mocha, waiting for Faith to begin. Faith looked like she was wondering how to start, and Elizabeth smiled. "You've come to a decision, haven't you?"
Faith simply nodded, a hand resting on her stomach. "I have," she said, the calm look in her eyes accompanied with joy. "I'm keeping the baby."
Elizabeth felt a rush of happiness for her friend. She reached across the table, taking Faith's hands. "That's wonderful!" she exclaimed. "I'm so happy you were able to figure out what you wanted."
Faith smiled a little tentatively. "You're not disappointed?" she asked, searching Elizabeth's eyes.
Elizabeth laughed. "Not at all. I told Nathan this morning that I've been keeping myself unattached to the idea of adopting the baby since you hadn't decided anything. So I feel nothing but joy for you."
Relief washed over Faith's face. "Oh, good," she said, laughing lightly. "That was my one concern about telling you."
Elizabeth shook her head. "This was always about what was best for you, Faith. And to be honest? I think you made the right choice."
Faith nodded. "I think so too." She laughed freely. "It's funny, I'd been so paralyzed with trying to make a decision that I didn't let myself understand the reality of what was going on inside of me. But now that I've accepted it and decided to keep her...I can't explain to you the complete sense of love I feel for this baby."
Elizabeth smiled, then paused. "Wait. Did you just say 'her'?"
"I did," Faith said, her smile widening. "At my appointment yesterday, Dr. Yost let it slip that the baby is a girl. I wasn't planning on finding out since I was trying to keep myself unattached, but when he said that, I couldn't help picturing having a daughter. And then I saw her on that screen, Elizabeth. I hadn't let myself look at the ultrasounds or at any images of the baby, but when I saw her yesterday, I knew I couldn't let her go. It made it so real. She's a part of me, and I want to be her mother. Her biological father might have hurt me badly, but he will never truly be a part of her. Carson is her daddy." Her face softened. "And he's going to be a wonderful daddy to our little girl."
"Was Carson excited about your decision?" Elizabeth asked.
Faith nodded, chuckling. "I've never seen him quite so excited. It was as if the knowledge that we're truly going to be parents together sunk in, and he was literally bouncing with joy."
"Oh, Faith," Elizabeth said, wonder in her voice. "You truly are one of the strongest women I've ever known. You've born this with bravery and fortitude. It's been amazing to watch. And now, seeing how happy you are…" She shook her head. "I'm glad it all turned out so well."
"Me too," Faith said softly. She bit her lip, then smiled. "Actually, Carson and I have a question for you."
Elizabeth raised her brows. "What's that?"
"Will you and Nathan be her godparents?" Faith asked. "We want you both to be a part of her life."
Elizabeth clasped her hands. "Really?"
Faith laughed. "Yes, really."
"Of course!" Elizabeth said, jumping up to embrace her friend. "We would love to be her godparents!"
"Good," Faith said, her eyes twinkling. "Because we're also naming her after you. Her middle name is going to be Elizabeth."
Elizabeth's hand floated to her heart. "I don't know what to say," she stammered, tears filling her eyes.
Faith put a hand on her shoulder. "You're my best friend, Elizabeth. You've been at my side through thick and thin, and you've been a rock for me in these past tumultuous months. I want my baby to know that she's named after an incredible, strong woman who is compassionate and loving."
Elizabeth enfolded Faith in another embrace. "Thank you," she whispered. "That means the world to me." When they pulled back, both were wiping tears from their eyes, which made them both laugh. After they sat again, Elizabeth took a sip of her coffee before looking at Faith. "Have you come up with a first name?"
Faith nodded, smiling. "Her name will be Hope. Hope Elizabeth Shepherd." She looked down at her stomach, rubbing the small baby bump that had finally made an appearance. "Her name will be a reminder that even in the darkest days, in the worst moments in life, something good can come of it. Hope lives on, even when darkness tries to snuff it out."
Elizabeth felt tears filling her eyes again. "Oh goodness, that's beautiful!" she said, wiping her eyes. "What a wonderful outlook, Faith."
Faith chuckled. "I can't take all the credit for it. It's been a combination of God's grace and counseling that's gotten me to this point."
Elizabeth nodded. "A good combination. And you cooperated with both, my friend." She smiled. "Hope is going to have a wonderful life thanks to you and Carson."
Faith smiled gently. "I think Carson and I will have a wonderful life thanks to Hope." She looked up at Elizabeth, her smile widening. "And thanks to our wonderful friends who have helped us through this time."
