"You're safe, Megan," Sarge said as she opened her eyes. "You're in the hospital and you're going to be fine. You're safe."
Sarge was sitting at her bedside and holding her hand. She felt cold and weak.
"I need to let the nurse know you're awake," he said as he gently let go of her hand and pressed the call button. "I'm sure you're not up to talking about what happened if you even remember it all. That's okay," he added as he gave her a pointed look.
"Steve?"
"He's in surgery, last I heard. There are three helicarriers crashed around the S.H.I.E.L.D. campus, one of them in the Potomac. Rumors are flying. Your parents are on their way here. Ray arranged for someone to drive them."
"When can I go home?"
"They're keeping you overnight at least." He squeezed her hand. "Hey, none of that. You lost a lot of blood. They're not letting you go until they're sure you're stable. But I'm here for now and Stark is sending a security team to take over for the night shift. With everything that went down, we're not taking chances. Let us take care of that. You rest."
A nurse strode into the room, looking pleased that Megan was awake. "Ms. Buchwald? My name is Amber. I'm your nurse for this shift." She looked at Sarge. "I need you to wait outside while I examine her."
"No can do. Pull the curtain for privacy, but I'm not leaving. With Cap still in surgery and her photo splashed in the news, we're not taking chances."
"Sarge, we've been over this already."
"And my answer is the same."
"Let him stay," Megan whispered, comforted by Sarge's protective streak. "When dealing with army boys, it's best to choose your battles."
Sarge snorted in amusement. "I'll be right here."
"Do you know where you are?" Amber asked her as she took Megan's pulse.
"Hospital."
"Do you know what day it is?"
"Monday, assuming I was only out a few hours."
"Very good." Amber unwrapped the stethoscope from where it hung around her neck and put the earpieces in place. "You're lucky you got medical attention when you did. You're still paler than I'd like but the transfusions did their job. Take a deep breath for me."
Megan obeyed, letting her mind drift as Amber did a basic exam. She was pulled back to reality when the nurse checked her bandages. "Please don't try to get out of bed on your own. The bullet went clean through but damaged some muscle in the process. I don't want you putting weight on your leg unless there is someone here to spot you. Have you ever used crutches before?"
Megan shook her head.
"Okay, it's just the one, to help bear your weight on that side the first day or so. We'll show you how to use it when you're ready. When you need to use the bathroom, call for me, okay?"
Megan nodded obediently.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired."
"That's to be expected. Can you drink some juice? It will do you some good and then I suggest you try to sleep."
"Can I get another blanket? I'm cold."
"Sure thing. I'll bring you one that we have pre-warmed for you."
"I need my watch."
Sarge turned away from the sports program he'd been watching. "They put all of your stuff in a bag when you came in. There's a clock on the wall," he added, indicating where with a nod of his head.
"Sarge."
"It's that important?" Studying her, he nodded once. "It's probably in the closet. I'll get it."
The pain from her leg throbbed with her pulse. It was a lifetime before Sarge held up her watch. "Right arm okay? The IVs in your left hand."
She nodded once, then watched as he gently strapped it on. Was it her imagination, or did the entire face flash green once? Regardless, her connection to Ray was restored. "Leg hurts."
"Press the big button," he told her gently as he showed her where it was. "Go back to sleep."
She did.
"Has she been sleeping all day?" Megan heard her Mom ask from a distance.
"Off and on. It was a very traumatic morning for her," Sarge answered.
"Jarvis told me you were on the phone with her?"
"Yeah, when she was hiding and bleeding out. She did a soldier's work today…no training to deal…."
Exhaustion pulled her under again and she stopped fighting it.
"…parents are staying at your place tonight. Stark's guards are at the door. You're safe, Megan. I wouldn't be heading out for the night if I had any doubts." Sarge squeezed her hand gently.
She tried to squeeze back, but he had already left.
"Wake up, Megan."
The voice was relentless and sharp. Commanding her to leave the void.
"There you are."
Megan frowned a bit at that. Natasha, disheveled and with her arm in a sling, sat at her bedside in dim lighting. "Natasha?"
"I hear you've been sleeping all day. Resting is fine, but you need to rejoin the living."
"How bad are you hurt?"
"Shoulder. I'll be fine. You will be, too, once you heal."
"No limp?"
"We'll build up the muscles you have left. It won't hold you back."
"Steve?"
Natasha looked at the ceiling for some reason, pausing before she answered. "It's been a bad few days. He came through surgery okay. The serum should do the rest. He hasn't woken up yet, but they expect him to by morning."
Megan waited, knowing there was more to Natasha's middle of the night visit than checking up on her.
"Tell me what happened."
"Is it safe to talk here?"
"You pay better attention to my instruction that Steve does." Natasha smiled a bit at that and opened up her jacket enough to show a small device poking out of an inside pocket. "While I'm here, yes, it's safe to talk. Tell me everything that happened inside S.H.I.E.L.D. today."
Megan sipped at the room temperature juice Natasha had handed her after she finished her tale and waited for her judgment.
"You did well, Megan. I'm proud of you."
It helped, but not as much as she had thought it would. "What happens now?"
"You live with it. You trusted your gut and it saved your life. Killing is easy in the moment, but it's hard to live with, after. It should be."
"How do you do it?"
Natasha snorted softly and looked away. "I have been trying to balance the red in my ledger for years. I signed up with S.H.I.E.L.D. and found out I was still on the wrong side. I'm the last person to give advice."
Megan reached for her hand and Natasha allowed the contact. "You're a good person. I know you well enough to know that. I trust you with my life, even now. Especially now." If Natasha's eyes were a little wetter than normal, she wasn't going to comment.
Natasha turned back to her. "You never explained General Ross carrying you out of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters."
"What?"
"I'm fine, Mom. Please stop fussing!" Megan snapped as she sank into her couch. "I'm sorry."
"Thank you." Kathy took a deep breath. "We're all shaken up." Kathy sat down on the coffee table and studied her daughter. "Do you need us here or do you need some space? Greg and I can go get dinner somewhere and bring a meal back for you."
"That would be good. I know you're just trying to help, Mom."
"It's okay to be rattled. We're all going to have emotions all over the place for a bit given what happened. I'm sure you didn't get much rest in the hospital. Your pain medicines are on the kitchen counter. Sarge is downstairs.
"Thanks, Mom."
Kathy leaned forward and hugged her. "I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're here to hear me say that, too."
"Me, too."
"No word from Steve yet?"
Megan shook her head. "I'm sure the place is swarming with people and I know he's in rough shape. He's alive, which is what matters."
As soon as Kathy and Greg were gone, Megan reached for the remote and turned on the television, muting the sound. Closed captioning was kinder to her battered psyche than trying to ignore the tone of the anchors. It was time to see what the news networks were saying.
"Ray, you with me?"
"Always, Megan. I was quite concerned about your well-being yesterday. Thank you for putting your watch back on so I could monitor your condition directly."
"I did it for me, Ray. You make me feel safe even when you can't do anything."
"Even so, I am most pleased to be able to monitor your pulse and temperature."
"I've read how emotions come from physical sensations. If you lose feeling, especially in your torso, your emotions are more disconnected. Maybe that's true for humans. But for you… for you, I'd argue you have emotions and I don't understand how they work, but I know in my heart you have them and I'm so grateful you have trusted me with your friendship." As she talked, she broke down, sobs wracking her body as the accumulated emotions poured out.
"Megan? Fair warning, I'm coming in!" Sarge called as he knocked on the door and then let himself in. "I've been waiting for this."
He sat down beside her on the couch and pulled her to his chest, holding her with his arm as he talked into her hair. "Let it out. Kathy and Greg are gone for a bit. You can let it out now."
When she was unable to cry anymore, she talked in a voice so low she wondered if he would be able to hear. "I killed her."
"Yup."
"I put the gun to her throat and angled it to hit the brain stem. I saw the blood. There was so much blood! And bone and brain and…." How was it possible to have even more tears? She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.
"War is a messy business, Megan. I'd never wish that experience on anyone. But, you survived."
"By killing!"
"Yes. By killing. The sixth commandment says thou shall not murder. The wording is very specific, even if old King James botched it with his translation. Taking a life isn't easy, it should never be easy. You were justified by the circumstances."
"What if I don't believe that?"
"There's no easy answer to this. There is nothing I can say that's going to make you feel okay with this. You need to grieve and give it time."
"Grieve for the person I killed?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes, you can only grieve for the person you were before it happened. You just have to feel it and learn to live with it while not letting it define you."
Megan finally straightened up and reached for the tissue box on her coffee table. After blowing her nose to the point where she was sure her entire head had been filled with snot, she sat back. "I don't know how."
"I have blood on my hands. So does your boyfriend. Do you judge us for it?"
Megan shook her head.
"So, you're a hypocrite?"
"No!"
"We're no different from you. Worse, even, because we joined up. Hell, Steve was actively trying to go to war. Plus, he's stayed active with S.H.E.L.D. and I don't believe for one minute that his missions have left the bad guys tied up with pretty bows for law enforcement."
That mental image made her laugh. "No. Okay, point taken." She glanced at the screen. "What the frack!?"
Sarge looked at the television. "Yeah, that clip has been a real favorite. The decorated military hero carries Captain America's wounded girlfriend to safety." He looked at Megan and raised an eyebrow. "'Course, anyone who knows where you were might wonder just why good old General Ross was visiting the R&D wing yesterday morning. I haven't heard a single reporter ask where he found you, much less what he was doing at S.H.I.E.L.D. yesterday. Secretary of State Alexander Pierce was there, too, you know. Turns out he was with Hydra. He's dead now, good riddance if you ask me. I never liked that man."
"You think Ross is Hydra?"
"I don't know. I just know I have questions that the press ain't asking."
Megan rubbed her hands over her face in exhaustion. "What do my mom and Greg know?"
"Very little. Pretty much only what was on the television, aside from Stark having people drive them down as soon as he got the word you'd been shot. You think your personal troubles are tied into this?" Sarge nodded to the TV.
"I don't know. I don't know either way."
"I might be able to give you some perspective," Ray spoke up from her watch.
Sarge jumped out of his skin, swearing as he did so. "Ray? Warn a guy!"
"My apologies, Sarge."
"That's why you wanted your watch back yesterday." He furrowed his brow. "Does he monitor you all the time?"
"I've asked him to. I'm sorry, I should have said something."
Sarge held up his hands. "We're good. I just lost ten years of my life, but we're good. Perspective, you said?"
"Agent Romanoff released all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s computer files to the internet yesterday and was even kind enough to open a secure connection for me to assist in alerting undercover agents and filtering out the release of information that would endanger agents in the field. I have retained copies of everything. While I am still analyzing them, there are several agents of interest who were tracking your project objectives. It is reasonable to hypothesize that your stalkers were part of a coordinated effort to obtain semen samples for a breeding program if the serum research proved not to be useful. I have discovered email correspondence expressing extreme frustration at your promotion and subsequent decisions to curtail several lines of research."
"That's not proof Megan's work problems are connected to her personal problems," Sarge argued.
Megan sighed. "My gut says they're connected. If Hydra is involved in both, we'll know soon enough."
"Indeed. I will continue my analysis of the files as they arrive."
"They are still begin downloaded?"
"Agent Romanoff did the equivalent of throwing open the front doors to the library and allowing all patrons unlimited access to the stacks. Physically copying the volumes on the shelves takes time. There are Hydra agents who are trying to close those doors. So far, I have successfully barricaded them in the children's section."
"Ray, I thought you were a security expert? You're a computer genius, too?"
"Sarge, in this era, computer security is a significant part of overall security. When do you sleep, dude?"
"I had the same concerns, Sarge. However, when I was in New York, I met Ray in person. He even hugged me. There's no need to fret. I assure you, Ray's both a computer genius and working there of his own free will." She patted his knee. "Is that video of Steve's fight?"
Sarge followed her redirect. "Yup. That's another favorite clip. Coming up, you'll see debris fall, and what I'd swear was his shield falling. Then Steve falls."
"He dropped his shield?" Megan's blood ran cold.
"It's hard to tell, but right…there… you see?"
"Ray?"
"I agree with Sarge's analysis, Megan. There was also no mention of Steve having his shield when he was found on the riverbank. Stark is modifying an aquatic drone to search the wreckage for it so it doesn't fall into Hydra's hands."
"That's it, then." It was the end of the fairy tale. She'd asked Steve for one thing, the only thing that would make a life with him manageable, and he'd broken his promise to her.
"Megan? Casper had more color than you do right now. Do we need to check your bandages? Are you bleeding on me?"
"He gave up."
"What?" Sarge looked between Megan and the TV.
"He gave up. Steve doesn't just drop his shield. He quit fighting. It's over." Megan whispered as she fingered her pendant. "It's over."
"Megan? What's over? We don't know what happened up there."
"I know Steve. He promised he'd always fight to come back to me…. Then he didn't."
A/N One more chapter to go. I cannot believe they are actually cooperating with me for once!
