Ninety Four
I don't know what came over me.
It was a mix of both loathing and fear, coupled with the desire to kill everything that stood outside that window.
The second I saw that long black cape flowing elegantly behind the tall figure, I knew we had been found.
It was mesmerising initially; it billowed seductively, the colour a stark contrast against the pristine white.
Then came the clarity.
I turn to Vau, he is holding Kad.
I watch as his eyes never leave mine and he slowly lifts the boys trouser leg up.
I knew what he was showing me.
Kad's Force bracelets were missing.
This osik just became real.
He's young, fek, just a child! I don't blame him.
I don't even blame Darman for not checking. Time and again Kad would remove the bracelets from his ankles, saying, "they hurt," or "I don't know why I have to wear them."
He was simply, too young to fully understand their relevance.
But I wasn't.
I quickly look to Gemma and Tomas and breathe a sigh of relief.
Both were wearing theirs.
They never hid them.
On their wrists for everyone to see the infliction that has now brought another fight to us.
My last fight.
They have all been through enough.
I look again to the men assembled outside, thinking of a contingency.
It was only then my blood ran truly cold.
That shabuir in the 212th colours, the one that robbed me of this life is standing apart from the others.
Atin doesn't know of him, but Darman does.
"Ah, Ner'ika," he says slowly down the comm,"you see what I'm seeing?"
"Copy that," is all I can manage.
My mouth is completely dry.
Vau knows we need to leave.
Las is about to lose her osik altogether, and I switch back to my family, to Gem.
She's holding Tomas firmly into her and she looks at me and smiles.
She's not frightened, she has faith in me and that's all I need, so I take charge.
"You should all leave and meet back at the compound. Vau?"
"I've contacted Kyrimorut, they are scrambling for immediate evac as we speak. Three ships ready to roll."
"Good," I clear my throat, "Atin, can you get everyone back and I will follow up with Darman."
"What are you going to do," from Gem, a question I knew she wouldn't like the answer too.
The truth?
She would never allow it.
I knew, as did the men, that there was no fighting our way out of this. We had to run, get away, but there had to be a diversion.
And I was the obvious choice.
I steel myself one last time.
For Tomas,
for Kyrimorut,
for that old bastard Kal,
but mostly, for her.
I've had a taste of a normal life.
I had experienced everything.
And more.
My wild musings had come to fruition and I had known true love.
It was my turn now to give back to that love.
Give into it the only way a soldier knew how.
I swore an oath to die for my brothers.
I swear one now to die for my family.
My family.
I can't help but smile back at her.
Give her the confidence she knew, and expected.
"Look, we need to get back to the speeders and get out of here," Vau knows we are running out of time. "Atin?"
He's all over it, moving Laseema out the back exit. He peers around the corner, his eyes truly alive. I hadn't seen that look since before it all went down.
"Ner'ika, we need to get them out now or we make a stand."
I move forward and kiss her hard on the lips, it takes my breath away momentarily. Then I kiss Tomas on the forehead and for a moment I falter, an overwhelming sadness comes over me, it grips at my heart.
"Cyar'ika, here," I push a velvet pouch into her hand and clasp her fingers underneath mine, "this is for you, I don't want to drop it. I'll see you at the compound with Dar."
"At the compound, we'll be there. Please hurry?" She nods, I reciprocate with, "see you soon." Nothing romantic, poetic, just functional.
The last face I see isn't the one I love, but the man who knows what needs to be done.
Walon Vau.
He was once a soldier too...
… you only need the light when it's burning low….
My mind then flick's over to a time when decisions were easy to make, when they were programmed into me. I'm mentally that person again. The machine that did as it was made to do. To finish the fight at all cost.
At all cost.
I'm on autopilot.
I reach for my wrist, "Darman?" My voice is controlled and for the first time, strong.
Resolved.
"Bakery at the front of the square, 12o'clock, 2 floors up."
I search through the sheer curtains.
I make out a shadow and I know he has my back.
I look at my helmet on the counter and take a deep breath.
The jingling of the door bell spurs me on...
…you only miss the sun when it starts to snow…
If I act drunk then it will take time for them to pick me up and apprehend me, aiding the groups precious escape.
It's a performance of a life time.
"Well, well, well, wad do we 'ave 'ere eh? Meat cans for lunch! Come 'ere and I'll open one of ya up and see waz inside. Whoops, I fall down."
Once on my knees I message Darman quickly.
"You got me Dar?"
"Affirmative."
"Numbers"
"Squad, plus Vadar and that fekker Gregor."
Back to play acting.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you be gentle there, I'm a Re-pub-lic Commanno," I slur and attempt to stand upright, all the time making it difficult for them to keep me up. I might not be as fit as them, but I am still as big, strong.
"There is no Republic. You're a deserter," some officious fool spat at me.
Down I go again, like a puppet, up, down, up down.
I'm on the clock.
"How you going to play this sarge?"
I hear the apprehension on his voice.
"You know what has to be done."
I am pushed and I stumble again, this time deliberately tasting dirt.
If I'm going out, I want Mandalorian soil on my tongue, beneath my feet.
"Ner'ika?"
"Make sure you don't miss," I whisper out quickly.
There is no response.
I know Darman is processing.
"Hey, easy there," I wobble around between two clones.
I'm still one of them.
But the others aren't.
Since the treatment they are no longer like me.
Then that fekking noise fills my ears as Vadar looms.
"Tell me where the Jedi are and I'll spare your life."
"No Jetii here General Skywalker."
It was worth a shot.
Waste more time.
He grabs my throat with his glove and lifts me up.
I immediately go for his ulna nerve, but grab the wrong fekking arm!
Vadar laughs and drops me down.
"Tell me where the Jedi are, I can sense them."
I stay down focussing on the sharp pain biting at my chest.
It's coming again, and this time I don't have Mij here to set things right.
No pill or rest time to reset what I did to myself.
So I have have to do it, set it right, now.
With Darman's help.
"Pull him up and bring him to the ship, if he won't talk now, he will with some coaxing."
It's now or never.
I'm on my knees.
…only know you love her when you let her go…
Slowly I sit back on my heels and stare directly towards Darman.
A quick nod, and I close my eyes.
A signal to any trained soldier.
…and you let her go….*
* Let Her Go. Passenger. All The Little Lights, 2012
