Megan lay in bed trying to sleep. Sensing her mood, Sarge had convinced Kathy and Greg to accept Stark's offer to put them up in the property he used when he had to stay in the capital overnight. It had hurt to see Kathy's reaction when Sarge gently herded them out, but she needed time. Sarge was right in that her parents couldn't understand what she had endured. Besides, her spare room was full of exercise equipment.

"Ray?"

"Why did Steve give up?"

"I urge you not to draw any conclusions until you talk to Steve yourself."

"He dropped his shield."

"He was also very badly injured. The individual he was fighting, based on my analysis of the limited video clips available, was likely enhanced in some fashion. We need more data. It would be most prudent to simply ask him to explain what happened. Perhaps there is an explanation we have not considered."

"I don't see that happening, Ray."

"Isn't your relationship worth fighting for?"

"He promised he'd always try to come home to me. How am I supposed to deal with the waiting and the worry if he won't even try?"

"Again, more information is needed. In the meantime, perhaps a distraction is in order. As of noon yesterday, you are officially a consultant for Stark Industries. Your signing bonus has been deposited into your bank account. I have also forwarded the appropriate packets from HR to your email address."

"You can't—"

"I already did. Megan, you need to understand that you are important to me. You need health insurance and the plan for Stark Industries is both generous and comprehensive."

"Does Tony—"

"Your starting date is negotiable, your acceptance is not. You are going to allow me to do this for you."

"You seem sure of this."

"There are many things I cannot do. I was unable to keep you safe, much less evacuate you in your time of need. I found that to be very… distressing. You are of course free to seek employment elsewhere at any time. For now, however, you have the necessary health insurance to ensure you make a full recovery. The medical plan includes dental and vision as well."

"Of course it does."

"Sir is of the mind that a health plan that excludes body parts is not a health plan worthy of his name."

"That sounds like Tony, alright." Megan threw up her hands. "Okay. You win. Does this mean I have to call you boss?"

"Never. Try to sleep, Megan. Sarge and I will keep watch."


"I hate not being able to help you," Kathy lamented as she handed Megan a cup of tea and sat down on the couch beside her. "I can only do so much to stock your freezer with casseroles." Megan smiled at that. She and Greg had spent all morning and part of the afternoon in her kitchen, starting homemade soup in her crockpot before preparing untold repeatable meals to stuff in her freezer and baking a loaf of bread from scratch.

"You came. You're here. It does help. It's just a lot to process. I can't get her face out of my head. Every time I close my eyes… I'm killing her again."

Kathy pulled her close. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I can only imagine what that was like. I'm sure you didn't have another choice. In that moment, I know you did the best you could. And I'm proud of you. I know you'll find your way forward. Talk to Steve. I'm sure he's got some similar experiences."

"He broke his promise, Mom," Megan whispered as she fingered her pendant. "He threw down his shield and gave up. He stopped trying to come home."

"Maybe. Maybe not. But even if he did… is that broken promise going to be the thing that tears you apart? Or is what you have worth fighting for? You're both going to hurt each other. We always end up hurting those we love. It's one thing if the hurt is intentional or abusive. But if it's the hurt of being an imperfect human, you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad."

"I don't know…."

"Talk to him. Nothing has to be decided today. Give yourselves some time to rest and recover, then talk to him."

"Your mom's right," Greg said as he sat down in the nearby chair, no longer pretending to be ignoring them. "You've been through a lot the last couple of days, so it's not the time to be making any big decisions."

There was a knock at the door which made them all look at each other, on edge despite knowing Sarge wouldn't let anyone that posed a threat into the building.

Greg looked through the peephole and flung the door open wide before pulling Steve into a gentle hug.

"Careful, man. He's being held together with stitches, piss, and vinegar," a dark-skinned man said in a deep voice. "He checked himself out against medical advice."

"Sam, it's fine," Steve said, hugging Greg back. "It's good to see you."

Greg pulled back, studying Steve's face. "Go sit down before you fall over."

"Kathy," Steve said, holding his arms out for another embrace. "Thank you for being here."

Megan watched warily from the couch, meeting Steve's gaze over Kathy's shoulder. He nodded once back at her. They were on the same wavelength, at least.

"Sam Wilson, these are Megan's parents, Greg and Kathy Johnson, and that's Megan, recuperating on the couch." Steve gave Kathy's shoulder an extra squeeze. "Sam helped with the take-down of S.H.I.E.L.D. If you saw news clips of the guy with wings? That's him."

While Greg and Sam shook hands, Steve pulled out his wallet and handed several bills to Greg. "I want you two to take Sam to that Italian diner two blocks east of here. Sarge knows the place. Don't be surprised if some of his guys follow you. Actually, ask him to make sure they do.

"Now that you all had eyes on each other, let me take you home. I'm waiting for you to start leaking any minute."

"My bedroom window is broken, my living room wall is full of bullet holes, and there's blood all over the kitchen floor. Not to mention the paparazzi likely staking it out. I'm safer here. Megan, may I borrow your phone?"

"It's on the bar."

"Okay, take this with you," he said as he handed it to Kathy. "Have Ray fill you in on what's been happening the last few months. Sam will catch you up on the other part of the story."

Megan saw Sam's eyebrow go up as he looked at Steve. "You sure?"

"We're done keeping Hydra's secrets. I'm sure they're behind what Megan and I have been dealing with as well as what down at S.H.I.E.L.D. While you eat, I'm going to fill Megan in so we can plan what comes next."

Sam looked heavenward. "What comes next is you planting that ass in bed."

"That's my next stop."

"How do we make sure no one overhears us talking in the restaurant?" Kathy asked as she put Megan's phone in her purse.

"Ray will take care of that. That's why you're borrowing Megan's phone."


As Steve closed and locked the door, Megan saw him drop the Captain America facade. His shoulders slumped and his movements were stiff. "Come lie down with me?"

She nodded and heaved herself up. She could feel him watching as she put the crutch under her arm and started the slow trek back to her bedroom.

"Nat told me what happened to you. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." She raised her hand before he could say anything. "I'm not dealing well with it and I can't talk about it right now."

"Okay." His body was wilting with the guilt and despair he was carrying. She turned away and led them to her bedroom.

"Do you want help taking your shirt off?" she offered softly as he followed her down the short hallway. It was an olive branch, the best she could do right now. She knew he hated sleeping with a shirt on.

"Please."

She managed to avoid touching his skin as she lifted the fabric up and over his head, pulling it forward to slide down his arms. She'd known he had taken a beating, but seeing the evidence written on his skin was a different matter. There were bruises on his right shoulder that looked like a handprint. His entire torso was a collage of stitches, bruises, and marks that told the story of a horrible, close combat fight with both knives and bullets.

"Any broken bones?"

"I have three cracked ribs on my left side, two on my right."

"Do you need help lying down?"

He shook his head as he sat down on the edge of the bed and carefully eased himself down on one side before rolling to his back. Megan pulled the covers up to his waist and went around to the far side to get in.

The tension in the air was palpable as she lay on her side facing him. "Am I correct in thinking you threw down your shield at the end and stopped fighting?"

Steve closed his eyes once and nodded before turning his head to look at her. "Are you willing to listen to what happened, or do I need to find a hotel room?"

Megan started to cry. "Steve, I don't want to give up on you. On us. I've always known there were risks. But you promised you'd always try to come home to me, and now that trust is broken. That trust is what gave me the strength to wait, and I don't know if—"

"Megan, I get it." He lifted her hand and bruised his lips over her fingers. "What you went through this weekend was awful, and that was before Monday. But if you listen…if you know what happened, I think you might understand."

"So tell me."

He did.


"How did Bucky survive falling from the train? You told me how deep the ravine was."

"Zola. Looking back… after Azzano, he kept his distance. Hid any injuries. If I caught a glimpse of a healing wound, he'd make out like it was an old injury. We know Zola was working on developing a version of the serum that was better than what Schmidt got. At the time, I didn't think past the fact he'd tortured Bucky, but he must have experimented on him, too. That helped him survive the fall. Once the Russians had him… who knows what else they did."

"Amputated his arm, broke his will. All these years…. I cannot wrap my head around what he's suffered."

"He didn't even know me, but at the end, he was starting to question things. He had doubts. I was getting through to him."

"Then what happened?"

"The helicarrier fell apart beneath me. I don't remember hitting the water."

Megan frowned at that. "Natasha said they found you washed up on the bank."

Steve nodded and used his thumb to wipe a tear from her cheek. "He pulled me out. It had to be him. No one else would have been strong enough."

"I'm sorry I doubted you." She moved closer, letting him put his arm around her as she put her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I gave you a reason to." He sighed and hugged her tighter for a moment. "Back in the old days, we didn't have to deal with cameras everywhere."

That made her laugh a little. "Well, all this modern technology does have some uses. Beth called me when they saw you all getting arrested on live television. I knew then that something was off, even though I didn't know what it was. She brought dinner over later that night, so I didn't have to be alone."

"We need to have them over for dinner again. You can show off your new jewelry."

"My new…" she broke off as he handed her an oblong box he'd hidden somewhere over the edge of the bed. "How'd you hide that?"

"Natasha's a good teacher. Go ahead, open it."

He held it for her as she rolled onto her back, hissing a bit at the pain in her leg. She pried the lid open and saw a sterling silver charm bracelet that was loaded with charms. Most of them had an obvious meaning. First in line was the anchor. They'd talked so much about him finding ways to anchor himself in the modern era and move forward with his life. The tandem bike, his shield, the paint pallet, a little stack of books, a sewing machine, a microscope… those all made sense. The last one, fastened to the very last link, puzzled her.

"Steve, why an acorn?"

He smiled softly. "The charms of trees were all ugly or didn't show the roots. Did you know that trees have just as much biomass below ground as they do above?"

"I've read that statistic, too. It's really hard to collect that kind of data and it's just an estimate; I wouldn't put much stock in it."

"Work with me, here."

"Sorry."

His tone was teasing as he squeezed her again. "No, you aren't."

"I'm really not."

He nuzzled her hair. "I love your passion for science. But the acorn has all the parts of a tree, both the parts we see and what we don't. You taught me that. Inside that acorn is an embryonic plant with roots and leaves just waiting for a chance to grow.

"From the first day we met, you saw me. All of me. My pain, my loneliness, my isolation. You didn't try to fix me or make me a project. You just gave your friendship, selflessly. You reconnected me to my roots, my past. And in doing so, you made me stronger. Just like sunshine makes that tiny, baby plant grow.

"I know it's dangly and noisy and not something you'll wear very often. But, it tells our story. We can keep adding to it. There are so many things we can add to it."

"I won't be able to lift my arm." Closing the box, she laid it on the bed behind her and stretched up to kiss him gently. "Thank you."

"Thank you."

She laid her head back down and closed her eyes. "We'll find him. We'll find him and invite him to come home. But you need to rest and heal. You can't go looking for him just yet. He may have had doubts, but he may very well have gone back to them and I don't want you taking on what's left of Hydra all by yourself."

"I know. Natasha said she'd see what she can find out about where he was held. That's where I'm going to start looking. See if I can retrace his steps."

"Tony will help, too. Clint, Ray, all of them will help."

"I know."

"We'll find him, Steve. He's survived this long. With all of us looking for him, it's just a matter of time until we let him know it's safe to come home. For now, sleep."

Listening to her own advice, she closed her eyes and focused on the sound of Steve's breathing. They'd find their way forward together.

…. The Beginning.


A/N

On January 1, 2015, I was sitting in the treehouse at my mother's house (the inspiration for Kathy's house) and had an idea. I had lost my job after 12 years teaching at a university and my unemployment time was running out. I had not yet secured a new position. My daughter was in crisis with a toxic mix of what we now know was dyslexia, hormones, anxiety, and inherited wonky brain chemicals from parents she didn't pick carefully enough. I was trying to get back to fan fiction writing but was not ready to get back to my V: the LA Chronicles saga. My husband and I had recently watched Captain America the First Avenger together and I had fallen in love with Steve Rogers. We'd watched The Winter Soldier and my muse woke up.

My muse planted a few scenes in my head that intrigued me. I had the idea of a collection of Steve's belonging from the past being returned to him. I wanted to see what had been packed away and was waiting for him to look through. After all of his losses, that box of treasures had to be meaningful.

I wanted him to have a reunion with the dependents of the original Howling Commandos. I wanted to explore how he reconnected with his past while put down roots in the present, tying the two stages of his life together into a cohesive whole. Inventing an original character to get to know him at SHIELD seemed an easy way in. I'd give him a modern love interest and have their relationship both forced and secret in terms of their romance. Natasha was not going to know Steve was friends with her, so it was totally compliant with canon with Nat trying to set Steve up on dates. (I have a scene written post WS where Natasha finally got to meet Megan and give her thanks before having Megan go on with her life while Natasha helped Steve bring Bucky home. It was all very straightforward.)

There was one other scene I had from the beginning and that was the source of the title: the charm bracelet. Steve was going to give Megan a bracelet with a boat anchor and a large tree on it, along with his shield and some other trinkets noting their time together. It was his way of thanking her for connecting him to his past (roots) as well as helping him start to live his life in the present (anchor). It was going to be a simple, sweet short story.

To that end, Megan was based somewhat on my own life experience, as far as where she grew up, where she went to school, and the fact she ended up in Washington, D.C. Naturally, there are many, many things about here that are entirely different. But she wasn't going to be a major character in her own right. She was my vehicle into Steve's world and he was the focus. She didn't need more than some broad strokes of personality and a simple backstory. I was going to bang that short story out at about 20,000 words and move back to V the LA Chronicles.

Except the story kept on coming. The words poured out of me day after day. After so many years of having no energy left from teaching to be creative in my free time, it was a glorious change. My mom had a heart attack. I wrote. I job hunted, and I wrote. I took care of my family, and I wrote.

Story ideas kept forming in my mind and I wrote them down. New movies came out and I developed a way to tie Bucky in without ruining the canon of Age of Ultra. (Steve and Megan going to be okay but you see Steve in Age of Ultron and he's alone. I do not break my toys, but boy do I have some evil plans for them.) I could even tie in Black Panther and the end credits scene with Bucky.

I wrote. I dreamed. I wrote more. I got a job in retail that let me pay bills and do what my daughter needed. I continued to write. New job #2? New job #3? Done and done. Still writing.

I am now on the cusp of finally landing a job back in my actual field of science. I had some great interviews recently, made it to the final rounds, but didn't' get the position. It's coming, though. I am closer to success than I have ever been. I truly believe I'll land that medical writing position in 2021 and be able to work from home AND make money, as well as use my science training. Breaking in is the hard part, but I'm stubborn, like Megan. (If you have leads, hit me up!)

Through my eldest son's high school and college graduation, though depression and job changes, through a pandemic and my own fight with COVID 19, Steve and Megan have been with me. They talk to me on my drive to work and whisper ideas to me as I drive home at the end of the day.

They have brought me untold joy and endless frustration with their instance on turning my little story idea into an epic saga. Steve insisted on some of his own narrations, so I pulled out the nautical list of terms and realized that ballast was the perfect title. Ballast is used to stabilize the ship, but it can be thrown overboard. Those extra scenes Steve was insisting on could be tossed into a different file and maybe someone else would enjoy reading them.

Additional characters showed up and then insisted on becoming important in their own right. Sarge. Beth and Dave. Kathy and Greg. Emma. I needed a family for Megan, so I borrowed my own family, changed a lot of things, and plopped the characters into my mom's current house.

Megan had neighbors, so they needed details, and so Seth and Steve were born. It is out of control! I've spent six years chasing after these two idiots telling them I was writing a short story. They laughed and asked me how I defined short. (My definition is a lot less than the about 362k+ they insisted on.

I've also made numerous new friends.

Qweb has been here from the beginning and made comments on Every Single Chapter. AniSparrow, LunarFairyPrincess, and LoveFiction2020 have done the same though joined later in the game. (I post on both major fanfic sites). Supesfan helped with poker. There are others I know I have missed, and far too many people have made intermittent comments for me to list them all. And then we have Holsvick, who ended up being the sibling I didn't know I had, albeit with different biological parents! I have saved every single comment and remain grateful for each and every one of them.

You've either jumped on the crazy train from the beginning or joined later and stayed for the popcorn. I hope I have done justice to your expectations.

I do have plans for a sequel. It will start in the middle of the narrative and reveal the WHAM. It will then go back in time to journey with Steve and Megan up to that point, where you will know what is coming even if they don't. —I do this out of kindness to the readers—It will then move forward into a somewhat fuzzy future I haven't entirely settled on but is guaranteed to be happy and will most certainly ignore that mess the Russos made of the MCU after Civll War. If you love IW/Endgame, I'm truly happy for you. I wish I did; I don't.

This sequel is going to be a new approach for me, where I try to have individual characters tell parts of the story from their point of view. R&A was my chance to tell everything from one person's POV and it has been freeing and frustrating in equal measures. Due to timeline issues, I have to at least get up to the WHAM before I start posting because there are some things that take a certain amount of time to happen and there is only so much wibbly wobbly, timey wimey rule bending I can do and not lose you all to broken-down willing suspension of disbelief. I pray for your patience.

The last thing I want to request is for you to point out any lingering questions/dangling plot threads. I think I have tied almost all of them up here, except for a few that I deliberately left for the sequel. I do not want to miss a thing, but after 6 years, I cannot promise that every dropped breadcrumb has been remembered. If something jumps out at you, holler!

I want to publish this monster in a hard copy for myself, my mom, and a couple of dear friends. To do that, I need a clean, typo-free master file: one where my abused commas are brought under control, the spelling errors are zapped, and all of the punctuation marks are picture-perfect. I cannot do that. I am blind to them at this point. I have no idea how to find someone/someones to help with that or if a shared google doc would allow that without having me give up final say on changes. We are talking about a document nearly 400,000 words long! This isn't a weekend job, or even a month-long job. I will not be selling it or otherwise fundraising with it; AO3 rules are here for reason and I will never endanger fandom by breaking them. This is me wanting a hard copy to put on my shelf next to my doctoral thesis. I just can't justify the cost of even a limited binding job for myself if it has typos galore. If you have ideas on how I can accomplish that, I'm all ears.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope you are satisfied with how it ended up (so far). I look forward to any comments you have.