Metal Hearts

It turned out you couldn't have everything. You couldn't have the guy who made you feel all tingly, whose kisses made your heart beat a mile a minute, AND keep your place as the undisputed queen of the school - the head of the coolest clique in Sunnydale. She had to make a choice. And she had chosen. She had worked too long and too hard for her place at the apex of the school hierarchy, she had spent too many hours training with the cheerleader squad and stirring up school spirit with the pep squad and campaigning for every title on offer and generally making sure she was the most visible person on campus to give it all up for a few pulse pounding kisses with Xander Harris.

He had to be cut loose. So she had cut him loose. A Queen always knew when to move on from those who could not increase her power.

It had been hard, she had woken up the morning after the Valentine's dance feeling lonelier than she had in a long long time. She saw the locket Xander had given her lying on her dressing table. It was beautiful - and it hurt her heart to look at it and know what she had given up. But it was something she had to do - she had a checklist and nowhere did it say 'give up everything for love' or lust … or whatever the hell it was she had with Xander. But still … it was too beautiful and it meant too much not to wear it. She put it on - fastening the clasp and adjusting the heart so it dangled right above her own ... and then she put on a high collared shirt to hide it.

But it was worth it - definitely worth the pain - to be sitting next to Harmony, in her rightful place with her gang of Cordettes. And when Harmony made a cruel remark to Xander, and all her friends laughed, Cordelia just looked at her feet and reminded herself that nothing was more important than being popular. Certainly not indulging in fuzzy feelings towards Xander Harris.

And he actually managed to make things a bit easier, make her regret how things had gone a bit less, when he stopped her in the corridor and demanded she return the locket. 'That was a gift!' she cried out in disgust. But he shook his head, yesterday it was a gift - today it was scrap metal.

She wasn't gonna let him know she was wearing it, not after that. So she pretended it was in her locker, hid behind the door and took it off. There was a painful pang in her chest as she unclasped it, but she fought it down, shook her hair back and then slammed the locker door shut - handing it over to Xander with a trademark put down carefully crafted to hide her feelings. 'There - now at least I don't have to pretend I like it.'

She saw the flicker of hurt in his eyes then, too - and wondered if maybe he was putting on a front as well. Maybe both of them being cold and hard to each other was nothing but a lie they were wearing, like armour, to protect themselves from the loss of the other… but she couldn't afford herself to think like that. She was back in the fold with Harmony - that was what mattered.

...

Until the next day, when everything went nuts and Harmony decided she now wasn't speaking to Cordelia because she wasn't dating Xander. And then her whole gang attacked her and then Willow had an axe - and then Buffy's mom was hitting on Xander … gross - and that was when Cordelia figured out that some sort of spell was in effect. Xander had done a love spell - and now all the women in Sunnydale, including vampires and wrinkling old grannies, wanted a piece of him. Wanted a piece of him so much they were willing to tear him into actual pieces to get it - and as Cordelia was with him, that put her in danger too.

They hid in the basement, trying to nail up the door - though the clamouring mob were beating it down from the other side, there were too many of them to keep out forever. And Cordy and Xander were back in the basement, in a life and death situation, yelling at each other. Just like they had yelled at each other before. 'If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass, I mean it!'

'None of this would have happened if you hadn't broken up with me, but no - you're so desperate to be popular', he retorted, hammering away at a nail.

'Me?' She was incensed. 'I'm not the one who embraced to black arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations! It worked.'

'Would have worked fine, except your hide's so thick even magic can't penetrate it.'

She caught her breath, and reached out to grab hold of his arm, 'you mean … the spell was for me?'

The moment was ruined by the door buckling. They screamed and ran deeper into the basement, the baying mob got in and surrounded them - nearly tearing them apart in their magic induced need to grope at Xander. And then just like that, they stopped. Someone, somewhere had broken the spell - and suddenly there was just a whole load of very confused women of all ages, wondering what the hell they were doing down in some basement. And Xander was just stood there like a big dumb lunk, so Cordelia passed it all of as a scavenger hunt and went home, not caring if anyone really believed the lie.

...

But she was lonely again the next morning. She headed into school and took her rightful place as Queen Bee - Queen C - amongst all her adoring friends, listening to their gossip and their chatter as they clamoured for her attention. But she was just ... empty inside. This meant nothing to her. She had worked so hard for it all, but it meant nothing - and no amount of trophies chased the loneliness away. And the gossip - god it was vapid! Harmony was so … dumb. She had nothing to say but she never stopped talking. And there was a whole world out there with vampires and monsters and stuff that needed killing, and here Cordy was talking shoes and boys - and not even nice boys - just boys that ticked off the checklist. That stupid checklist! Mentally, she screwed it up and chucked it away. There was so much more out there than popularity. Sure, being the most important person on campus sounded cool, but it was meaningless - she wasn't actually important. She wasn't doing anything important, she wasn't even happy...

She had always thought that Harmony would always be there, that she would be a bridesmaid at Cordy's wedding - when she would inevitably marry someone disgustingly rich and handsome, and maybe even famous, that they would go shopping together in Europe after graduation and send their kids to the same private schools... But now she listened to her prattle on and knew this was the end of the line.

Some things were more important than popularity. Most things were more important than anything Harmony had to say. And certainly tingly kisses and not being lonely was more important than being in the cool zone. She made her decision - and opened her mouth, to change the direction of her life forever. There would be no going back from this: 'Harmony. Shut up.'