This is a good chapter to discover Gaslighting, don't do it!
Erik wakes up. This is not his bedroom. He's not in his bed. He feels a sense of panic. He does not know where he is or how he got here. He remembers being home. Meg. Meg is the last image in his mind that he can see that's coherent.
Erik sits up and looks around and tries to get his bearings. It comes to him, settles with him. He turns on the light and it takes a minute. This room. He's been here before.
He looks over, Raoul is asleep. He's with Raoul. Erik frowns. He does not remember coming here. He tries to think, he grabs onto his head and concentrates. Did Raoul invite him over? Why would Erik leave Meg alone? Is Meg being watched by someone? Did she come with him?
Erik peers over the bed and onto the floor. Red velvet suit. Red Death? Erik doesn't wear that unless.
Erik gets out of the bed and changes quickly. He makes a hasty exit. He'll send for Raoul later.
Erik makes a beeline to Meg's bedroom. He tries to get her door to open but cannot. He tries again and then something catches his eye; he looks down. Something is caught on the door—a piece of wood. He slides it out and opens the door.
He rushes to her bed. Meg is asleep. He places his hand by her mouth and nose, and waits, he does not have a mirror, he should really have a mirror, of all the times not to have a mirror.
Meg squeals and sits up. She's alive, that's a good. He takes a step backwards.
"You're not here to finish me off, are you?" Meg is pale and she moves away from him.
"Bad dream?" Erik asks.
"You chloroformed me!" Meg shouts. Erik recoils. He does not remember that. Meg can be terribly annoying, but he's never done that to her before.
"I wouldn't do that," he frowns.
"You did!"
Erik shakes his head.
"You watch horror movies before you go to bed. I told you to stop doing that. It gives you nightmares."
Meg considers this, she is sure he attacked her the previous night, but she does watch a lot of movies where that happens to characters. Meg grabs her head; she tries to think.
"I swear it was real. That it happened."
"You are niggling, but I would not do that. Not to you."
Erik sits down on the bed and holds onto her.
Raoul needs a day. He needs a good mental health day. So, he gets up, makes coffee, enjoys the coffee, and stays in his sleep clothes until 10 AM. He eventually drags himself upstairs and changes into something simple, dark slacks, a grey dress shirt and he's Gucci, thanks.
He steps outside and goes for a bit of a walk.
It feels weird to not be at work. Raoul feels very uneasy and half expects to be grabbed by someone, law enforcement perhaps, where he'll be berated and scolded for his skipping work and ignoring all kinds of adult things he should be doing.
He goes to random shops, to try to distract his mind and occupy his brain with something. He tries to catch a movie, he's alone, not many people catch films during the day it seems.
The lights go out and he blinks, and the end credits are scrolling. Raoul lost two hours of his day.
He has lunch at a café outside and he's not really hungry and doesn't remember what he ordered. He picks at the food, he feels empty. He pays the check and leaves
Mist. He feels like mist is moving around him and everything is growing darker as he moves forward. He's not really there, not present. He stares ahead, but he's not looking at anything. He's vaguely aware he's back at home on the sofa in the lounge area. He's in the dark. He has no interest to do anything, no drive to move, to go upstairs. He blinks a few times.
There are a million things he could be doing, but none of them seem important or that they matter. Raoul finds it in him to stand up and walk to the stairs.
Raoul closes his eyes, and he waits to disappear. He opens his eyes, and he is no longer alone.
"You skipped work today and everyone was on me to get shit done." Philly says.
"Sorry."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Tired," Raoul says, he turns away.
"Are you ill?"
"Yes."
Philly frowns, he checks out his brother, he leans over him.
"Did you get sick?" Philly looks for signs.
"No."
"Do you need anything?"
"Sleep."
Philly nods.
"If you need anything, I'm here."
Raoul stays in bed for the next two days. Raoul doesn't call for visitors and he sleeps most of the time. He doesn't eat the bread or broth his brother brings him and they continue to have one-word conversations.
Philly doesn't like any of this. This is how Raoul reacted the first month or so he came back from that cult. At the time Philly had no idea what happened with his brother, and those were hard times and Raoul's behavior is quite worrisome.
He's made some calls and brought in people who feels who could help him.
"So, here's the situation, Raoul is sad and he's not responding to my methods anymore, so that's why you're here."
"This is too much responsibility." Reyer says.
"You're into his weird, baser nerd shit, so maybe you can coax him into like some Doctor Homes Knightrider party." Philly says.
"There's so much wrong with that." Reyer says fighting back pain.
"And if nerd fails, you," Philly nods at Erik," maybe blow him or something. But can you," he motions his visage," can that come off?"
"I can remove my mask, yes." Erik is in a strange haze and is regretting his decision to come here.
"I get the feeling you're like 80."
"I'm not quite 40." Erik has a thing about his age, and he does not need this right now.
"I feel like you're 30 years older than my brother." Philly enjoys making others awkward. It says something about him personally, he's sure, but ehh, he'll deal with it later.
"Less than 20." Erik glares behind his mask.
"So, I'll send you first." Philly nods at Erik.
"What's he been doing anyway?"
"Reading."
I had a good talk with Toni today. She told me more about Erik and gave me a better understanding. She confirmed my suspicions, Erik has a split personality.
When someone goes through intense trauma, they can disassociate themselves and that can lead to an alter, a new persona or personality, it is a way of protection. Psychology is not my specialty, but I did have to take some classes.
I'm trying to gage, to document the differences, so I know whom I'm dealing with.
Toni warned me about his darker half, The Phantom, as she calls it The Phantom is psychotic, violent, cruel and it is extremely difficult, but not impossible to reason with.
I think this alter is supposed to protect Erik, again this is not my field. I can only go by my experiences and what I have been told by those who have experienced.
The Phantom is extremely sensitive to things and gets jealous easily and over things that normal people would not be. He is why they lost their twins. Toni paid too much attention to them. She loved them. So did Erik but. When you are sick and untreated—he needed helped 19 years ago.
"I tried to get him to see someone, but he's too good at manipulation. He knows how to play psychiatrists and other doctors. His talents are detrimental." Toni told me
Toni needs help too. I wish I could leave, but she would be alone with this madness. Toni used to have friends, she used to have a career, but now all she has is Erik and his madness.
If I leave, what will happen to Toni and baby Marguerite? I left before and I don't think I can do that again. If I stay maybe this time it will be different or I may lose my life outside this house. Erik has already asked to spend more time together.
"Now that you're back, I'd like to get closer." He likes to play with my hair. It is curly and he likes to twirl it. It annoys me,
He talks to me; twirls my hair and I try to relax. He hums and that is usually what gets me to relax.
"Want us to get closer?"
He nods.
"Take off your mask."
"Leto, what's the book?"
Raoul stuffs the diary into the mattress. Erik watches him like a curious cat. Does Raoul not know he could easily lift the mattress and retrieve the book, simple as that?
"What's up?" Raoul tries to play cool; he smiles and turns his body towards Erik.
"That's the second time you've hid that book from me." Erik sits on the bed.
"Is it?" Raoul tries to remain cool.
"You've been in bed for a few days. Are you feeling well?" Erik reaches out to him, but Raoul recoils and Erik takes his hand back.
"Do you remember, coming here the other day?" Raoul asks slowly.
"For dinner?"
Raoul shakes his head.
"Like, two days ago?"
Erik shakes his head.
"I woke up here, I don't remember coming. Did we drink?" Erik looks around the room for evidence of that, a bottle, something.
"You were, uh, really upset. You weren't yourself." Raoul is having difficulty and regrets starting the conversation.
"Did I do something? Did I hurt you?" Erik wrings his hands together and fighting back his own tide of emotion.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me? Something important? That I may need to know?"
"Does it have to do with that book you're hiding from me?"
Raoul shakes his head.
"Honesty is going to determine where we go from here. Erik, is there something you need to tell me?"
"You met Him?"
"When we had our trial run, you could have explained some things, and yet you didn't. Why didn't you—we could have—this is a huge thing to keep from me."
Erik holds out his hand and takes Raoul's.
"Hi, my name is Erik and I have this thing where I disassociate and become violent and homicidal. I lose hours of my day at a time, and have no control over my mind and actions, do you want to fuck me? Date me?" Erik kisses Raoul hand.
"Hello Erik, that's a lot to process, but if you gave me time, I think we could work something out." Raoul moves the hand up and down.
"You thought I was insane already and didn't trust me. If I told you, you would have walked away." Erik says unable to keep emotion from his voice. He coughs, trying to cover it up, it does not.
"It would have given me a better idea of who are you and why you are. You always say for me to not assume things about you, don't assume things about me or how I'll react." Raoul squeezes Erik's hand.
"That's fair. Am I why you're hiding in bed?" Fear builds up inside Erik and he's trying to keep it at bay. Raoul nods.
"I wasn't prepared, and I didn't know what to do or how to respond. You strangled me for a good minute, Erik. You were going to kill me." Raoul closes his eyes and touches his throat.
"I don't remember that and I do not have any ill will towards you. I know I am not always the best with emotions. The only thing that I can think of that would lead you to meet Him is if we had a heated argument?" It is hard for Erik to finds words.
"You kept going on about Christine. You were jealous. Was our dinner that much of a problem? You could have said something earlier. She's my friend. Did you spy on us? How'd you know she kissed my cheek anyway?"
Erik snaps his head at Raoul.
"What?"
"You came over, or, He came over and was pretty livid over Christine."
"Oh."
Raoul picks something up.
"'Who were you jealous over? Me? Or Christine? Erik? Why'd you want her to be the lead so badly?" Raoul takes his hand away from Erik.
"She's talented." The static is buzzing. Erik eyes flutter and he tries to remain calm.
"Erik."
"I gave her private vocal instruction and I wanted to show her off. She's my masterwork, that's all. My pride and ego are at stake."
"She's your student." Raoul bites his lip. Erik nods.
"Yes." Erik plays the fabric of the duvet.
"Erik, you were going to kill me over this, so I deserve your honesty." Raoul's anger is rising. Erik winces. Erik reaches for Raoul hand.
"I met her first," He whispers and Raoul's heard enough. He gets up from the bed and he points to the door.
"You asked for honesty and I gave it to you." Erik says, he's full of sorrow. He doesn't have the strength to stand.
"You don't respect me, that's fine. I don't need this. If you prefer her, met her first, be with her. I don't just understand, why. Why did you make me through all of this? You lied to me, you manipulated me. You deceived me, and I trusted you blindly." Raoul is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"No!" Erik cries and jumps to his feet, sudden inspiration and strength.
"This is where I want to be." Erik walks towards Raoul, who is shaking and turns away from him.
"I don't know if I can believe anything you say." Raoul shakes his head.
"I'm here." Erik tries to grab at Raoul's hands, who moves away.
"Does that even mean anything?"
"I want to be here. I care about you."
"You also tried to kill me!" Raoul shouts as he turns around to face him.
"'Which tells you that you matter to me!"
"What?"
Erik grabs him and pulls him close.
"I care about you." He grabs Raoul's by the sides of his face and kisses the top of his head.
"Oh, you are completely insane." Raoul cries, Erik holds him closer.
"I need you, I want you." Erik whispers and kisses Raoul. He turns Raoul around and backs him up towards the bed.
"Erik, this isn't going to solve our problems!" Raoul tries to fight him off, he backs up and away from Erik.
"If you didn't matter, I wouldn't have come after you!"
"Did you cheat on me or her?" Raoul cannot believe this is happening or he's having a conversation like this. His head is spinning, he feels sick and he wants to hide, to have the world go away and just put a button on all of this and never have to feel again.
"Both." Erik manages, his voice low, shameful. He's a wounded puppy. Raoul feels bad for him, he wants to smack him at the same time as hug him.
"How can I trust anything you say to me? You don't respect us or me or this." Raoul gestures between them. Erik rushes forward and grabs on him, pinning him down on the mattress.
"I don't want to lose this."
"Could've fooled me." Raoul tries to wrangle free.
"I will never respond to things normally, I am neither kind or nice. I enjoy tormenting others, but I don't like hurting you. It brings neither joy or pleasure and it's been a long time since I've had that with anyone. I didn't think I could and then I met you and we got serious. I can see tomorrow with you." Erik says this into Raoul's ear. Raoul believes him. Raoul feels bile rise and burn his throat, but he believes him.
"You say the words, but what do they mean? How can they mean anything?" Raoul eyes are on fire and his throat is strangling him with emotion.
"I intended to do this later, but I want you to know, to see, all of me." Erik's hands are trembling, they leave Raoul and he touches the edges of his mask. Raoul's heart leaps up.
"Erik," Raoul puts his hand and reaches out to him. Erik is shaking.
"Not like this, not like this," Raoul says. He grabs Erik's arm and tugs at him.
"You need something," Erik trails off, he looks down at Raoul. He's a mess too. Both shaking and sweating.
"You'd show me your face?"
Erik nods.
"You'd try to kill me Erik, I need time to deal with that. That wasn't okay. I can't be with someone who will abuse or murder me when they get upset."
"I'll see someone."
"You didn't before, why now?"
"I have a lot to lose and I refuse to have you and Marguerite slip through my fingers because of-I will take care of-I'll see someone."
Raoul is able to sit up and pull Erik into an embrace.
"We could go together. I'm probably fucked up too."
"You'll stay?"
Raoul nods.
