Chapter 97: Bereavement and Birthdays and All that Comes with It
It was late when Zuko returned to the compound that the group was calling home. He'd accompanied his Uncle home after the sun had set and they'd sat in the teashop for a few hours, sipping ginseng tea and talking about Lu Ten. Their time on the hill had been in silence, save for Iroh's song, however in the teashop they spoke and laughed and remembered.
Iroh had seemed more like himself when Zuko left; the grief had been tucked away once more.
Zuko entered the Avatar's compound silently, easing the front door closed behind him and quietly locking it. He headed towards the stairs, and to his room, but paused just outside the dark kitchen.
He said quietly, "Katara?"
Her voice was just as quiet when she replied, "You're home late."
Zuko held his forefinger up and allowed his chi to ignite, creating a small candle-flame at the tip of his finger. It cast enough light to show that the Waterbender was sat at the kitchen table, an empty teacup in her hands; she'd clearly been waiting for him to come home. The Firebender didn't know what to make of that, or of the strange expression on the girl's face. It was like she was sad and angry and grieving and… some other, indefinable emotion. It worried Zuko.
He entered the kitchen and eased out the chair opposite Katara, sitting down. He lit the candle in the centre of the table and allowed his own fire to extinguish.
He queried, "Everything okay?"
Katara was quiet a long moment. Then she said, "Why didn't you tell us?"
Zuko frowned, genuinely confused. "Tell you what?"
"Me and Toph went to your uncle's teashop today. We saw the sign in the window."
Understanding flowed through Zuko. He nodded slowly. "'Closed for mourning'."
Katara nodded as well. "Yeah. That sign."
Zuko opened his mouth to speak and then realised that he didn't know what to say. He'd not told any of the others where he was going, or why. Not out of any desire to keep secrets, he'd just… not known what to say.
He looked into Katara's deep blue eyes and read a sea of emotions. Sadness for her friend's pain, anger that that friend hadn't shared their pain, sympathetic grief for the lost loved one, her own grief rising up at the thought, and the final, unnamed emotion… just pure sympathy and compassion. There was another emotion there, one that Zuko didn't want to see because it gave him thoughts and ideas that shouldn't be there because she didn't feel it like him.
Love. He saw love in her eyes, on her face, in the actions she directed towards himself and the others every single day. But it wasn't like what he felt, it couldn't be; he could barely comprehend that she loved him as a friend, there was no way that it could be anything more.
He shook his head, pulling himself back to the present. He said in a hushed voice, "I didn't know what to say."
"So you didn't."
Zuko nodded. It wasn't a lie, just omission. He found himself making that justification a lot, if only to himself.
She spoke his thoughts aloud. "You do that a lot. Keep stuff to yourself."
He just shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable. A hand settled on his forearm, just above his metal bracer.
Katara said gently, "You can talk to us, Zuko. You can talk to me."
The Firebender thought about. He could to talk to Katara, to them all. He had. He'd told them all more about himself than he'd ever told anyone.
He sighed, but nodded. He said, "You're right. I leave stuff out a lot. Old, bad habit. One I should probably get over."
He fell silent and Katara kept quiet too, waiting. Finally he said, "It was my cousin's birthday today. His name was Lu Ten."
Katara's eyes widened slightly. "Your cousin… Iroh's son?"
Zuko nodded solemnly. "His only son. He should have been twenty-seven today. He died when he was twenty."
The hand on his arm squeezed tight. "I'm so sorry, Zuko. Can I ask… how?"
Zuko blew out a breath. "What do you know about the Siege of Ba Sing Se?"
The Waterbender's brow furrowed. "Other than it lasting 600 days and your uncle led it… nothing."
Zuko nodded. "It was almost ten years ago when my uncle set out to conquer this city; Cousin Lu Ten had not long since turned eighteen and he'd undergone basic training. He chose to accompany my Uncle Iroh to the front.
"They laid siege to this walled city for the better part of two years. Uncle is the only person in Ba Sing Se's history to penetrate its walls, and he only got past the Outer Wall. That's when it happened."
"What happened?" she asked in a low voice.
Zuko sighed. "I… don't have all the details. I think that Lu Ten was leading a squadron through the breach, into Ba Sing Se, when they were ambushed by a team of Earthbenders; probably the same ones we encountered on our way in. Lu Ten was buried under several tons of rubble."
Silence followed.
Katara eventually said once again, "I'm sorry."
He shook his head, sniffing slightly. "Not your fault. It's… it's war. That's what it was, what it is."
The hand disappeared from his arm and he looked up to see Katara standing and moving around the kitchen table to settle in the chair beside him. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders as best she could, grumbling a little about the pauldron on shoulder. He smirked slightly and reached under his arm to unbuckle the armour plate. He removed it and set it down on the table with a clink. She leaned against him more comfortably, resting her head against his shoulder.
She said quietly, "Iroh seems like he'd have been a good dad."
Zuko chuckled. "The best. From… from what I remember, he was funny and loud and embarrassing and he loved Lu Ten with everything he was. When Lu Ten d-died, when he died, it… it broke my Uncle. He—"
Zuko paused, wondering whether he should continue. Katara lifted her head to stare at him questioningly.
He sighed and said, "As soon as he received word about Lu Ten being killed, Uncle called off the siege. Sounded the retreat, right on the brink of victory, or so they say. And then… my Uncle disappeared."
Katara frowned. "What do you mean? He disappeared?"
"I mean that my Uncle was missing for close to a year. No one knew where he was. I still don't know where he was. One day, though, he just turned up at the Palace gates. And… he was different. Where before he was loud and jovial, now he seemed quiet. He could still be loud, of course, but it seemed more like an act he was putting on. Like he was playing a character."
"He was trying to be who people expected him to be. What they wanted and needed him to be."
Zuko looked down and saw absolute understanding in the Waterbender's eyes. He nodded.
"Yeah. That's exactly what it was like." He cleared his throat. "I saw a lot more of my Uncle after that. He took over the majority of my Firebending training and I actually started learning. Before him I just struggled and barely managed to achieve a flame. He's the one that got me training in swordsmanship, with one of the finest masters in the Fire Nation no less."
Zuko's eye fogged over slightly, as if he were somewhere else. He said quietly, almost under his breath, "We were what the other needed. A child without a parent and a parent without a child."
He shook his head and cleared his throat once more. He shifted in his chair. "Anyway, today was Lu Ten's birthday. Uncle always… Uncle always preferred to remember Lu Ten on his birthday rather than on the day he died. He said once that the squalling infant he once was bore more resemblance to Lu Ten than the body that was removed from the rubble, so that's how he would remember him."
Katara smiled. "I like that. We… Me and Sokka tend to have a little memorial on the day that Mom died and… I don't know. We try to remember her as she was, but it always feels more like we focus on how she died, you know?"
Zuko nodded. "Yeah, I get that."
There was silence again. Katara asked, "How was Iroh?"
Zuko shrugged. "Quiet, at first. Then… I don't know. He seemed to be keeping himself busy with other people. After that, the sadness came and it was there for a while. But we ended the day smiling. I think he's okay."
Katara smiled sadly. "I'm glad. I like your uncle."
Zuko smiled as well. "Yeah, me too."
They sat there, snuggled together, in the dimly lit kitchen until the candle burnt out.
