Disclaimer: I own nothing in regard to GWTW
Author's Notes: Thank you for all the reviews. I read them all. They make me think and a lot of time they help me remember I have left threads hanging out there. Sometimes I have plans for that thread.
Chapter Forty-Two
Occasionally Suellen, Aunt PittyPat, and Suellen's children would come to visit but it was painfully obvious that the ladies were uncomfortable around Scarlett. Melly was always busy when they came to visit which always made Rhett laugh. Of course, Rhett didn't want to be around the women either and would make Prissy stay in the room with Scarlett while they were visiting.
The conversation between the ladies was awkward and stilted. Suellen resented Scarlett despite the fact that Scarlett might die any minute. Suellen was jealous of Scarlett's life. No matter what happened Scarlett always came out smelling like a rose. PittyPat Hamilton was a little bit resentful that Scarlett and Melanie had put her in an uncomfortable position with the Mary Clark incident even if everyone was praising PittyPat for her courage to stand up for her principles.
Scarlett didn't care about the uncomfortableness of Suellen and Aunt PittyPat. The truth was that the only person Scarlett wanted to see was Ella which neither of the ladies could understand. Scarlett would smile so big when five-year-old Ella started asking a thousand questions. The one-time Suellen tried to make her stop, Scarlett had said, "Let her be. She will grow out of it." George was a little more than a year old and never noticed that his Aunt Scarlett wasn't interested in him. Suellen noticed it and it was another reason why Suellen disliked Scarlett. George was Suellen's favorite because he was an attractive child who looked just like her and for Scarlett to prefer Ella to George was not to be borne. It was extremely obvious to Suellen that Scarlett was snubbing George.
Scarlett's thoughts were still irrational in regard to Rhett. One moment she was cursing him in her mind and the next minutes she was wanting him to hold her. One moment she was wondering where he was then when he was with her, she would want him to leave. In her eighth month she became convinced that he was cheating on her again. Although the next moment she knew he would never do that again. She didn't share any of her irrational thoughts with Rhett until she couldn't get the thought of him being unfaithful again out of her mind. She knew Rhett had a strong sex drive therefore he must be using the whores again. He would lay beside her and hold her and nothing would happen. He must be using whores or worst he no longer found her attractive. Hadn't he once said all women's bodies were the same.
Scarlett asked Rhett one night when he was sitting with her, "Are you misbehaving?"
"No! Why do you ask that? How can you ask that? No, a thousand times no." Rhett said more sharply than he had meant to. He was so very worried about her and she was thinking he was with another woman. He was getting so very tired of denying he would ever do that again. He shouted at her, "I am worried sick about you. I rarely leave the house because I want to be here just in case you need me. I have neglected some of my business interest because I want to be here with you. I can't even go to the bank because I am afraid that something will happen to you while I am out of the house. I can't sleep at night because when I close my eyes, I see you in ….."
Rhett looked at his wife and her stricken face stopped him in mid-sentence. He got up and walked around the room several times. He finally sat back down and gently said, "Baby, why do you think that? How can you think that?"
"When you hold me you never get ….. " And she started crying, "I'm so hideous."
Rhett took a deep breath and the last of his anger evaporated. He lay down beside her on the bed and held her until she stopped crying. He said, "I am not getting an erection because I know we can't. I guess I don't even think about that. That it is not possible right now. If we do that it might kill you. That thought is enough to destroy any sex drive I might have. All I can think about is you and our son surviving."
"You once said, 'All women's bodies were the same. There are lots of women and lots of beds."
"I said a damn lot of stupid things. I will never do that again no matter what. I only want you and your body. Since I can't have you and your body then I don't want to have relations."
"I know you need to have relations a lot. And.."
"No, I want to have relations with you a lot. If it is with someone else my sex drive is not that strong."
"But you went to that whore house every night."
"I went there but most of the time I didn't do anything but play poker and get drunk. I am not going to lie. Occasionally I had relations with Belle but that was to be wanted more than it was to get sexual satisfaction."
"Alright."
"Do you believe me?"
Scarlett looked at Rhett and he was crying. Scarlett didn't even think he knew he was crying.
"Yes."
"Scarlett, there are so many things that I regret in our relationship last time. Having sex with a whore is one of the top five. Not only did I hurt you but I broke your trust in me. You have somehow managed to forgive me for doing that. No, I will never do that again. I will never be unfaithful to you ever again. I will never hurt you that way again. Please believe me."
She reached up and wiped the tears away. She knew he was getting tired of denying he would ever do that again but it had hurt so much in the first timeline. She needed to be reassured that he loved her as much as she loved him especially now that she looked so hideous. "Alright. It's just that I am so fat and ugly right now."
Rhett gave her a crooked little smile. He said, "My love, I know that you are a very vain creature. As am I. No, you don't look your best but you do not look hideous. You are swollen yes but not ugly or unattractive. You are not fat. You have a baby inside you. You are still so very beautiful to me. You are so very precious to me. When I get old, gray and with a paunch are you going to stop loving me? Stop wanting me?"
"How much of a paunch? I don't think I would like for you to be fat." She said and smiled to let him know she was joking.
Rhett laughed and pulled her to him. "I would still want you even if you were as fat as Mrs. Merriwether."
Scarlett looked appalled at even the thought of her being as large as Mrs. Merriwether. Then she smiled and said, "I love you, too."
After a little bit she said, "I know you are getting tired of denying you would ever do that again but it hurt so badly" She started crying again.
Rhett took a deep breath. He had created this situation by his own foolish, irresponsible actions. He needed to remember that she had given him another chance after he had hurt her so badly, so stupidly. He said, "I will continue assuring you that I won't do that again as long as you need me to assure you. I created this situation not you. It certainly wasn't my finest moment. I don't suppose it eases the pain for you to know I did it to hurt you not because I desired another woman."
"Actually, it does. You don't want to hurt me like that now. We both wanted to just hurt each other. We aren't perfect now and we still lash out at each other but not like then."
"Now we feel bad about hurting the other one afterwards. Baby, please don't worry. If Mr. Wilkes could do it for years, I am sure I can do without relations for several months. I would do without relations forever if I had to. I love you that much."
"Thank you, Rhett. I have too much time and I don't have anything to distract me from thoughts I don't want to think."
"We only have one more month then, we will make up for lost time."
They laid there for a while and finally Rhett felt her totally relax and knew she was asleep. Rhett laid there and held her close. He just prayed they would get old and gray together.
Will, Careen, and Gerald came to Atlanta for Christmas as did Elizabeth. At first Scarlett didn't want any of them seeing her because she looked so bad. Rhett finally convinced her that they loved her and they just wanted to be with her. She finally let them see her.
Careen and Gerald came into Scarlett's bedroom. Will chose to stay downstairs with Gerry. Gerald came over and sat in the chair that was by the bed. He started talking about what was going on in the county. He made a few unkind comments about his neighbors and he soon had Scarlett smiling. He got up and kissed her cheek. He said, "You get some rest, Puss." With that Careen and Gerald left Scarlett's room.
Gerald came by every evening and talked to his daughter. He never portrayed by word or action that Scarlett was less than her normal attractive self. When he was getting ready to leave her room Christmas Eve night he said, "Is Suellen's cook any good or do I need to eat before I go?"
Scarlett smiled and said, "She is pretty good but stay away from the yams."
Gerald laughed and kissed her cheek. He said, "Good night, Puss."
Elizabeth would come and sit with Scarlett while Bonnie was visiting her. After the visit she would take Bonnie and play with her. Rhett took care of business while Bonnie was with Scarlett. He had let some of his investments slide while caring for Scarlett. Careen came and talked with her while everyone was having dinner and would have dinner with her. They talked about their children and how unhappy Suellen was. They each thought it was such a shame considering she was the only one who married her childhood sweetheart.
Christmas morning Rhett got Scarlett out of the bed. He helped her put on her wrapper. He carried her downstairs where everyone was about to open presents. It was a boisterous time for everyone. Scarlett had a wonderful time and for a little while forgot how bad she felt. Rhett bought lots of presents. He gave the children candy, toys and clothes. He gave the men whiskey. He gave the women jewelry. He gave Careen ten yards of durable fabric and three yards of silk. He gave his wife clothes, candy and jewelry. Mammy had made her special breakfast cake that she only made for Christmas breakfast. Scarlett had three pieces and Rhett smiled at his little glutton. He was happy to see her eating so much. That was the most she had eaten in a while.
Wade came and sat down beside his mother and she put her arm around him. Bonnie wanted to sit with her mother also. At first, she tried to get into Scarlett's lap which was none existent. Wade picked her up and put her in his lap. Bonnie laid her head on the baby bump and Wade laid his head on his mom's shoulder.
All too soon it was time for the rest of the family to leave to go to Suellen's house. The family had Christmas dinner at Suellen's but Rhett stayed home with Scarlett. Melanie brought both of them a plate back. Scarlett was so emotional now that almost anything would make her cry. She was so irrational now that Rhett decided that it was a symptom of her illness. She was sad because she had missed the Christmas dinner but Rhett had managed to tease her back into a good mood.
When Scarlett asked Rhett how he did all that Christmas shopping without leaving the house. He smiled and said, "I delegated it to Prissy. You are right she is a lot smarter than she acts. She even saved me money by getting me some deals."
Scarlett smiled. The day after Christmas Careen, Will and Gerald had returned to Tara. Elizabeth was staying until Bonnie's birthday. Nobody spoke of any other possibilities.
Rhett bundled Scarlett up and took her outside on New Year's Day to watch Wade and Beau play with the firecrackers he had gotten them. Bonnie was having fun watching the boys and their fireworks. Bonnie wanted one of her own and Rhett was going to let her but Scarlett said, "No, precious. You are too young. Next year."
Bonnie started to pout and Scarlett said, "Just push that lip back in. It isn't going to do any good."
Scarlett and Bonnie had a staring contest and this time Scarlett won because Rhett hadn't given Bonnie everything she had asked for and Rhett hadn't interfered.
They enjoyed the rest of the afternoon until Rhett saw that Scarlett was drooping. He asked Melly to watch the children while he took Scarlett back upstairs. As he was lying her down in their bed, Scarlett said, "If I'm not here you can't give in to her. She is a strong-willed child. She is our child. You have to say no and stick to that no. Remember when you went against your better judgement last time."
"I will, baby."
"She will be all you have left. You will have to protect her from herself."
"I will, baby."
"Promise?"
Scarlett closed her eyes and Rhett knew she was asleep. Rhett prayed again that Scarlett survived because he knew he would not be able to say no to Bonnie if Scarlett wasn't making him say no. He knew she was right to say no to Bonnie. She had been right last time and he knew she was right this time. He just didn't think he was that strong without her love and support. He didn't promise her anything.
