Lessons in Love
Our journey to Diamond City was almost boring in comparison to our trek into Goodneighbor, but we were focusing on making good time, and not looking for a fight. The alley that had been blocked with feral Ghouls was still clear from our last visit, and the cold weather had been keeping the human scavengers away. It was mid-evening when we entered our usual room #2 in the Dugout Inn. In the same manner as our last visit, I showered and changed while MacCready performed weapon maintenance, then he showered and changed into his spare outfit while I secured our noodle dinner and two spots at the bar.
Vadim was pleased to see us. He happily filled our requests for drinks, including presenting me with my own purified water to drink along with MacCready's beer, and even stayed to chat briefly until the demands of the locals took up too much of his time. As soon as we had finished our meal, we left the bar to return to the room.
I had barely walked into the room when MacCready cleared his throat to catch my attention. He stood facing me, with a very serious expression on his face, lit only by the light from the bedside lamp. "We need to talk."
Nervously, I turned to face him. "Um, okay," I responded trying to still the sinking feeling in my gut, "Is there something wrong?"
"Wrong? No, not at all." He didn't appear to notice my sigh of relief. "I've been wanting to talk to you, and now is as good of a time as any. After helping me get Duncan's cure from Med-Tek, I figure I owe you something. And I always pay my debts."
"Mac," I began firmly, "you don't owe me anything. I owe you for sticking with me for so long. I know Hancock duped you into this contract with such a vague time frame... you're too valuable a fighter to be traipsing along behind me."
He shook his head vigorously. "Nu-uh. A contract is a contract. Besides," he grinned slightly, "I'm having too much fun; shooting stuff, making caps, traveling the Commonwealth, sleeping somewhere other than the ground. It's a damn sight better than my time with the Gunners. But that's not the point." He went serious again. "You helped me save my son. I don't know if I can ever repay you for that, but..." he trailed off, looking suddenly determined.
Reaching into his pocket for a moment, he held out his hand, a small wooden toy soldier balanced in his palm. "Here. I wanted you to have this." He continued as soon as I had picked up the well-worn toy. "I know a carved toy soldier is a strange reward for risking your life, but this one's special... it means a lot to me. My wife Lucy gave this to me right after we met. I... I uh, told her I was a soldier and she made it for me."
He's giving me something his wife made for him? Something so precious he keeps it on him all the time? I felt tears sting my eyes at the thoughtfulness of his gift. "You're... giving this to me?" I cradled the toy gently in my hands, overwhelmed with emotion. "Thank you so much, Mac. This is a remarkable gift. I'll treasure it." Feelings I had been holding back, been ignoring, burst in my chest, and I closed my eyes against the rush of emotion, trying to deny what I had come to realize... how I truly felt about him.
He was continuing to speak as I struggled to contain myself. "Seems fitting to give it to you, a real soldier in the Army. I never could bring myself to tell her the truth... that I was just a hired killer. The soldier story was the best thing I could come up with. I didn't want to lose her because of what I was."
"Did she ever find out?" My voice was quiet, not wanting to break the moment.
"No. I'll always regret not telling her the truth. Damn, I miss Lucy." He sighed in remorse, shifting his weight a little, running his fingers through his hair. "No matter how bad things got, she was always there with a shoulder to lean on. It gave me... well, it gave me the courage I needed to press ahead, to never give up no matter how bad things got. When she died, I thought that feeling was gone forever." His voice had dropped, gazing at the floor in remembrance. Before I could reach out to comfort him, he looked up, his crystal blue eyes holding an expression that stabbed deep into my soul. "Then I met you." A small smile quirked at the corner of his mouth, and I felt my whole body tremble in reaction.
"You had your own problems; lost and scared, unarmed, unarmored, completely unprepared for life out here in the Commonwealth, and yet you insisted on helping me... lending me your shoulder like Lucy did. I just want you to know how much you... your friendship means to me."
I swallowed past the lump in my throat at his words. I gently set the solider figurine down on the bedside table, turning it to face the room just so, summoning my courage as I did so. Then, in a fit of irrational daring, I stammered out, "I... I was hoping..." steeling myself for the inevitable rebuff and the awkwardness that would follow, "maybe we could be..." my breath faltered on the last few words, "more than friends?" I glanced at the toy soldier like a talisman, closing my eyes briefly and hating myself for allowing my growing affection for him to get out of control. Face it, you feel more than just affection for him. My emotions were a knot of strong feelings burning deep in my core, and I was just waiting for his rebuff.
There was a long quiet pause, and I was about to turn around to crawl into a miserable lump on the bed when-
"Do you mean it?" His voice was almost inaudible, and he cleared his throat before speaking a second time. "... about wanting to be more than friends?" He had an expression of wistful longing I had never seen before. There was a naked look in his eyes, a hunger and a deep pain, and a swirl of strong emotions all caught in the cool crystal of his gaze that pierced my heart.
I held my breath, my whole body fluttering, and a deep ache started to grow in my belly. I nodded, barely moving my head, gazing almost pleadingly at him He slowly moved towards me, as if having to compel himself to do so. "I-" he began, voice hoarse and strained with emotion, " I mean, you know about me- what I am. I don't really know what to say."
He's upset. I blew it. I am such an idiot. "You don't have to say anything," I replied in a low dejected voice. "I'm the one who said too much." My fingers twisted back and forth in nervous frustration and resignation at the imminent rejection. I swallowed past the lump in my throat and continued, looking anywhere but at that face, those impossible eyes I wanted to drown in... "Fuck it; I may as well say it all. I care about you, Mac-"
"Call me RJ, Anne." A warm hand grasped mine, stilling my fingers. Shivering, I looked back up and into into those miraculous eyes of his, windows to the battered soul hidden deep inside. His voice caressed my name, the first time I had ever heard him speak it. A low throaty chuckle followed, "It stands for 'Robert Joseph.' That's my full name, Robert Joseph MacCready." A final gift, the gift of his name.
"RJ," I repeated, and his hand squeezed mine gently. "I- I love you, RJ MacCready." There. I said it, admitted it. "I love you." Three words that will forever change my life, again. Now, no matter what happens, however this ends, if and when I go home, he knows I love him... for whatever that's worth. A single tear escaped, tracing down my burning cheek, and I ducked my head in embarrassment.
His calloused hand reached out to trace the line of my tear, shifting to cup my chin gently between long dexterous fingers. Tipping my head up, his thumb brushed away the moisture from my cheek, the warmth of his caress chased by the cooler air in the room. He slowly leaned in until his face was mere inches away, close enough for me to feel the radiant heat from his skin, just before touching his lips to mine.
My whole body caught on fire, kindled with his kiss. Gentle at first, he pressed in more insistently, cupping my face in both of his hands, fingers moving to tangle in my hair. One arm trailed down to the small of my back to pull me closer. His lips brushed past mine, leaving a line of nibbling kisses across my face to nuzzle into the hollow behind my ear. The tickle of his light beard sent a shiver of desire down my back to explode deep in my core. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." he murmured, a light laugh threading through the low rumble of his melodic voice.
I shivered as he pulled away to gaze at me. "You have? Why didn't you say anything?" I asked curiously, drinking in the vision of his face in the low light, studying every shift of expression, every twitch of those amazing lips.
He smiled, a loving smile that lit up his face in a gentle glow. "Too damn wrapped up in the past, I guess. I have Daisy to thank for setting me straight, actually." His voice was low, rueful. "She's sharp. She could see how twisted up I was getting inside, trying to deny how I felt about you... the guilt of holding too tightly to a painful memory for too long. I'll never stop loving Lucy... though she's been gone longer than we were together." He ducked his head to look at his hands, recapturing mine as he did so, adding, "Daisy told me, 'If you can't go back, then maybe you should try moving forward.'" He raised my hand to his lips, lightly kissing each of my fingertips.
"I... I can never go back, it's true." His eyes glittered with unshed tears. "The past is done. Maybe, just maybe I can find the courage to move forward... with you. You're like my own personal angel, helping me be a better person like I promised." He smiled gently, and wiped his eyes. "Now that I know how you really feel about me... it was definitely worth the risk of saying something. For once in my life, everything's going right and I have you to thank for it. I don't think anyone in the world could ask for a greater gift than that. I love you, Anne."
He took my hand, guiding us over to stand next to the bed. I went willingly, almost dizzy with relief and our mutual attraction. Standing next to the beckoning mattress, he again leaned in for a lingering kiss, wrapping his arms almost possessively around me in a loving embrace. I tucked my arms under his, grappling his shoulders, pulling him as close as I could to feel his warmth, his strong wiry body against mine. Breaking free when we needed to come up for air, he smiled sensually, tracing one loving finger along my cheek. "You saved me, from myself. I- I'd like to show you how grateful I am... if you'd let me?"
I closed my eyes and nodded, trembling with my own desire. "Please. I would like that... very much."
