"Shit fuck fuck FUCK!" Mariana growled as she sprinted into the firehouse. After a night full of nightmares and tossing and turning, she finally fell asleep on the couch which was too far from her alarm to wake her up. She woke up with ten minutes before her shift started and she didn't feel right to drive. With her work bag slung over her shoulder, she had sprinted to work and made it seven minutes late.
Exactly seven minutes because Chimney was standing in front of the door and waiting for her. He clicked the button on the stopwatch and sighed. "Late again, Mari."
"Fuck off," she snapped. "I'm here, aren't I?"
"Mariana! This is the second time this week."
"Look, I'm sorry but I've been a bit busy with work," she growled. "Get off my ass."
"You look exhausted."
"I know my limits!" Her anger was so loud and so raw that the entire apparatus bay fell silent, all eyes staring at the dark haired woman. Her chest heaved with harsh, gasping breaths. "What the fuck are you all looking at?!"
Without another word to Chimney, she stormed off to the locker room to get in uniform. Buck glanced up from where he was tying his boots. Hen was tucking her shirt into her pants and Eddie was adjusting his wristwatch, not looking at the others in the room. An oppressive silence pushed down on them but Buck decided to break it.
"Hey, you okay?" Buck asked gently. Mariana snapped and threw her bag down.
"Why the fuck is everyone up in my business? Who the fuck do you think you are, okay? I'm fine! I'm peachy FUCKING keen." Mariana stripped out of her workout clothes and pulled on her uniform as she yelled. "Stop. Just stop caring. Stop asking. I'm fine."
Like a tornado, she was gone just as quickly as she appeared. The three glanced at each other and Hen sighed. "You ever want to know what Mari was like before Bobby joined this house? There you go."
/
Wind whipped stray tendrils of her hair across her tan skin but the latina paid no mind. Her eyes were fixed on the cars flying around the track before her. She wistfully watched them, a sense of longing settling in her chest.
"You're not fine," Chimney sighed from next to her. Hen and Eddie were transporting the husband and wife to the hospital, leaving Chim, Buck, and Mari.
"What gave it away?" she drawled.
"You're looking at that race track like it's the only place you want to be in this world."
"You're trying to play Bobby right now and it's not going to work."
"No, I'm being Chimney, your friend, right now."
Her golden eyes flickered from the racetrack to cast her gaze on Buck and Chimney caught the meaning easily. "Hey Buck, why don't you go put the supplies back and get prepped for our next call?"
Buck reluctantly made his way towards the truck while Chimney steered Mariana towards the cars. She leaned against one of the old beaters and sighed, her shoulders slumping as if the weight of the world was crushing her.
"You look exhausted," he observed, leaning against the car across from her.
"I am. Leslie is letting me work up to three shifts a week. I...I'm having nightmares." Her foot kicked a rock off in the distance and she refused to make eye contact with him.
"Nightmares about what?"
"Luis. The car crash, both of them. Jess. Shannon. All the people I couldn't save."
"You're letting the guilt eat you alive."
"Maybe I am. But at least I'm alive. That's more than they got."
For a twenty-eight year old, Mariana looked as if she was older than time itself. Exhaustion dripped off her bones and clung to her skin. Grief painted itself across her eyes, her lips, her smile. Where a snarky comment or a small grin used to live now only held frustration and hollow sadness.
"You can't blame yourself for Shannon's death. There's nothing you could have done."
"I know." She sighed and tilted her face back so the sun cast it's cloud covered rays against her skin. Shutting her eyes, the latina pursed her lips and then let a single, bitter quirk of her lips appear. "I shouldn't have fallen for her husband. I got too caught up in myself. I forgot what it felt like to hurt there for a bit."
It's not your fault. Love is a funny thing. Love hurts but love heals. We don't choose who we fall in love with. There's a million things Chimney can say to reassure her. Athena and Hen would wax poetic about how she deserves to be loved. That her heart was so big that it was bound to happen soon.
A silvery tear slipped down her cheek and she hurriedly wiped it away. "Who am I to fall for someone when I don't deserve their love? I promised Eddie I wouldn't leave. And all I want to do right now is run. I want to run and start over. Because he shouldn't have to deal with my fuckup."
He didn't say anything. He couldn't find the right words to tell her just how much Eddie and Buck clearly loved her. Can't you see? Can't you see that he would willingly put himself in harm's way to protect you? Can't you see that he brightens when you're near because your very existence makes the room light up?
All Chimney can do is hug her because he knows that nothing he can say will ever change the stubborn, bull-headed mind of Mariana Ramirez. But he did need to have a talk with Bobby, Hen, and Athena to discuss what the hell they were going to do.
/
When Chimney ordered Buck onto the ladder truck with Mariana, she didn't know whether to thank him or kill him. Regardless of "Interim Captain" being in front of his name, Howie Han would be strangled by the end of the shift.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Buck asked from the passenger seat. Mariana let out a hum of assurance as she followed the engine truck.
"Mari, I-"
His words were cut off by a voice coming over their headsets. "118, 118 this is dispatch. We got Bobby Nash on the line. He says it's important."
"Wait, what?" Chimney's voice echoed through the headsets. Mariana turned into the intersection and the truck exploded.
Asphalt met bodies, glass pierced skin, and acrid smoke and flames leapt to life. Mariana faintly remembers hitting the pavement, a cracking sound echoing in her ringing ears. She groaned, hot sticky blood dripping down her forehead, her arms, her neck. Her vision was hazy and smoke filled but she saw feet approach slowly and surely.
"Bitch," the guy snapped, his foot making contact with her ribs. Mariana let out a cry, searing hot white pain lacing up her chest and into her throat, her head, her hands.
"Mar-" a voice gasped out to her left. "Don't…"
"You're new," the kid crooned as he studied Buck. Mariana let her head fall to the side, her hazel eyes locking with Buck's blue eyes. The kid walked off, yelling for the captain. Mariana slowly picked herself up, inching her way towards Buck.
"Mari," he whimpered.
"Buck," she sobbed out, her hand tangling with his. He reached out slowly, as if she was dust, and gently touched her cheek. Mariana struggled to stay awake, gasping breaths tearing from her lips as it became harder and harder to breathe.
"Mari, I-"
"Don't." Her voice was raspy and pained. "Not...like this. Not now."
She let her eyes fall shut and he squeezed her hand. "Stay awake."
"Can't."
"Please."
She opened her eyes once more, a bloody smile with bloody teeth and hot, red blood spilling past her lips. "You'll be okay."
"Not without you."
Shouting sounded over the ringing in her ears and someone started to roll her on her back. Someone screamed. Was it her? Mariana felt herself growing weak and limp, but Buck wouldn't let go of her hand. He had to be in immense pain, but he wasn't going to let go of her.
"Buck, we've got her. It's okay. You can let go," Chimney assured him.
"Promise me."
He couldn't know if that promise would be fulfilled. Another paramedic team was boarding the pale, still form of Mariana onto the gurney, her hand limply hanging off the edge. Too many times they had seen this side of her. Too many times they had seen Mariana at the precipice of death.
But they've also seen her crawl out of hell and make her way to stand above whatever held her down.
"I promise she'll be okay."
A/N: alright y'all, I decided to go back and change the chapters to the original story so I can keep updating. If not, I would not be able to finish this story and that's unfair to you and me. If you have read this story prior to 2/2/2021, please note that chapters 35-40 are different and have lead into a different storyline. Thank you!
