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M

Chapter 98

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sam closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Parker hating her, rushing away, and slamming her door shut. While Jack looked at her, bewildered, was not exactly how she'd imagined the reunion happening. In her mind, that should've brought joy, never-ending hugs, some happy tears, and love… So damn much love back to her life.

She could be such a mastermind planning stuff. But fixing her own damn life was something she was terrible at. The events of the morning proving to her, once again, that what she'd wanted for herself was not even close to what she'd gotten.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she found the strength to look up.

She grimaced. What else could she do? Drop herself to cry on the shoulders of the man who'd caused this situation to begin with? Cry on his shoulder because she couldn't take it anymore and he was there… Available and looking at her with love and worry in his eyes?

She avoided Jack's eyes. The truth was she had pushed her anger towards him because he was there, and available. After she found out Fred had called Jordan to help her. Fred, who had been on the other end of her kicks, punches, and screams, had chosen to meddle, after all. Especially, now, when she knew Jordan wasn't doing so great either after his girlfriend broke up with him. So she hadn't found it in herself to tell him her own bittersweet news about the little bean on the way. Not wanting to burden her friend with her own despair and worries. His 'I'm not here from you,' might have come out from his own poor skills at communicating that he sometimes had, but it hurt in the worst of the ways. She'd felt his rejection of her. That he accepted it was all lost. They'd lost each other, and there was nothing more than just pieces of themselves to pick up... Also for Parker and the little bean.

God, she still had to figure out how to tell him about the one on the way! She cringed at the thought. Then, she raised her eyes slightly and found Fred looking at her, worry etched on his face.

"Come inside, Jack," Sam said coldly, to the love of her life. Breaking herself for treating him so poorly. When she wanted to be nice and gentle. She wanted to love him without restrictions. But she was afraid. So damn afraid he would continue breaking her. No one ever had so much power on her as Jack did. She was sure he didn't quite know exactly how capable he was of pushing her closer to the edge with so little effort.

"Don't worry, Fred. Jack is…" she sighed. She wanted to say harmless to make Fred a bit at ease, but she couldn't get herself to let that word out. Jack O'Neill might be harmless in the sense that he would never touch a hair of her head violently. But he had been constantly -and most likely unknowingly- breaking her apart.

Molding her.

Fixing her, strengthening her, and then breaking her all over again. So, she was once again dealing with her pieces, until she could reinvent herself. Set stronger walls and make herself unreachable. Untouchable by his overwhelming love.

"He won't…" She stopped again and forced herself to voice the next words. "Hurt me."

"Are you sure?" Fred asked, words laced in doubt.

Jack had to frown at that. Why would the other man even believe he was capable of hurting Sam? He didn't know him at all to be so quick to judge. This Fred couldn't know that he could go to extreme lengths to keep her safe. He had, after all, taken her to that damn safe house, away from him for eleven years. If only to protect her. Could he know what it was to let someone you love to be free? Seeing her disappear from within your arms with no means to contact her? Did he understand what it was like to know she was alive? That there wasn't a chance for him to find her without getting her into more trouble than she was, to begin with? Did he know how fucking much loving Samantha Carter hurt?

"Yes, Fred. He's right. He's Parker's dad and they should get a chance to get to know each other." Sam said, still avoiding Jack's eyes.

"I know you can take him if needed, but you've got my number. Call me if you need any help at all. Okay?"

She nodded and wanted to smile at the offer. But she couldn't. She was too damn broken to feel anymore. Instead, she followed Fred with her eyes until he waved at her from his car and drove away.

Jack was standing still by the porch. Not quite knowing what had just happened, after Parker had rushed away telling her mom she hated her. Not understanding why a perfect stranger could believe he could ever hurt Sam.

"Do you plan on coming inside? Or do I need to broadcast this to the whole damn world? So they can all see how much of a screw up I am?" She said bitterly.

"Sam…" he said, taking a step inside and closing the door behind him. "I'm sure she didn't mean it."

"Oh, she did." She shook her head. "I know at some point she will forgive me for it, but right now… She does hate me."

"Don't do that to yourself. I'm sure she…"

"Stop! I know she does. Not because I'm victimizing myself here. I know she does because I know her. She's too damn like me… It's what I would've been feeling. Hating whoever lied to me and myself for allowing myself to be lied to. So, follow me or leave. I need to make her something to eat and I'll see if she wants to speak with you." She said moving towards the kitchen.

"What? No cereals?" He tried to joke. To take some tension out of the air. He failed.

"It's Saturday. So, no cereal." She said emotionless. "Have you eaten?" She asked. As she headed for the fridge to grab some bell peppers. He followed her like a lost puppy. He wondered if she knew he would follow her wherever she asked him to.

"I…" He sighed. 'What the fuck have you done?' he thought then. "Do you need help?"

"Now you ask?" She chuckled dryly. Shrugging before she turned her back to him and started cutting the peppers. She then turned the stove on and placed the peppers on a pan, broke some eggs inside them. "She likes how they look like flowers." She offered for no other reason than to let him know something about the girl he'd made all the effort not to get to know before.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, but the only thing he got as an answer was a slight nod.

He couldn't see her trembling hands or how she was fighting with herself to keep it together. He couldn't read in her mind how she should just stay around until baby two popped out of her, so she could sign away her parental rights. Let them be happy without her. Could she do it, though? Could she walk away from them? Leaving Parker behind? Leaving Jack behind after all she'd made to get back to him? Could she be strong enough to leave all she loved behind…. Again?

With her back to him, she set three bowls with yogurt, granola and grabbed a couple of fruits to throw in it too. She pushed one to him before she grabbed a couple of plates to throw the eggs on. She set one of each on a tray, placed some cutlery in, and squared her shoulders.

"Eat." She ordered him. There was no space for questions there. He noticed her getting some water and grabbing a bottle of pills from one of the cupboards. She took a pill and swallowed it.

"Headache?" he asked.

"Something like it." She said. Hiding the bottle back in its place before she grabbed the tray and walked away. Worry set in the pit of his stomach, seeing her so distant. So bluntly lying as to what she was taking. He waited until he knew she was far away enough to find what the heck she'd taken. He snuck into the cupboard and grabbed the pills.

'Samantha Carter. 400mcg folic acid. 400IU Vitamin D. 300mg Calcium. 70mg vitamin C. 3mg thiamine. 2mg riboflavin. 20mg niacin. 6mcg vitamin B12. 10mg vitamin E. 15mg zinc. 17mg iron. 150mcg iodine.' He read.

"This is not ibuprofen at all," he said. He recognized the vitamins, but it wouldn't hurt to ask, right? So, he grabbed his phone and took a quick picture of the details on the bottle. Before he returned to the eggs and yogurt, she'd placed in front of him and made a quick work of them.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sam stopped in front of Parker's door. Tray in a hand and squared her shoulders before she knocked on the door. She knew what was coming from having created that experience for her parents a long while ago. When she was young and stupid, and she thought her parents were immortal. She was so wrong. Her mom had passed away just months after the last time she'd screamed 'I hate you' to her.

Her eyes teared up a bit, and she looked up so she could try to keep the tears at bay. She wanted her mom, now. A desperate hug that could fix everything, coming from the one person who loved her no matter what.

"Parker, open up." She said. Cleaning the tears that had stubbornly fallen with the back of one hand as she balanced the tray with the other.

"Go away!" Parker shouted.

Sam took another deep breath, opening the door, nonetheless. She lowered the tray on the desk. Then she turned around to watch Parker. The view broke her battered heart. Her little girl was hiding under her covers and had made a tiny ball of herself.

"I'm sorry, but I won't go away," Sam said, pulling the covers from her daughter's face. Parker fought with her for a while. "Look at me P, please?" she whispered.

The broken tone was what made Parker lower the covers and look at her mother. She noticed the teary eyes and the red nose. Things that she had always wondered why they happened were now caused by her, and she knew it. She knew she'd made her mom hold the tears back. To show herself as the strong woman Parker always thought she was.

"Yes, I know you hate me now, and… To be honest, I can't blame you, P," Sam tried to caress her face, but Parker cowered back. "I lied to you about him knowing you existed. But that's on me. So hate me, blame me. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Okay?" She saw Parker struggle with that.

"But I let you convince me that he loved me!" She pouted. Sam embraced her tightly.

"That's the thing, P. He might not have known you existed, but I can promise you, that man outside… He loves you more than you know."

"But he pushed me away, he ignored me this whole time!" She cried on her mom's shoulder.

"Oh, P! I bet he has the explanations for that. I can't quite tell you why he did that. You need to talk to him. You need to know him." Sam said, pushing her slightly away to look at her face. P suckled her lower lip.

"What if… What if he doesn't like me, mommy?" Parker whispered.

"He will adore you, P. Trust me on that one. I'm willing to bet that he's more terrified about you not loving him back than you are about him not loving you. You're both so wrong…" She said caressing her hair.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I love you both… and I know you both." Sam gave her a watery smile. "It's just a lot more complicated for me to love him than it will be for you, P. Give him a chance."

"There's so much he doesn't know about me, mommy." She pouted.

"Yes. Yet, you have ways to show him, right? That's why we kept all those records. So, when the time came, you could show him. So, he could learn things he missed from watching you grow up. The time has come, P…"

"And you?" she asked.

"I'll be in the kitchen having some breakfast. I need to call Jordan too. I'll be right outside while you two talk and you eat. Okay?"

"No. I mean… Will you be all right?" Sam wanted to cry. Instead, she smiled and shook her head.

"How many times will I need to tell you, I'm the adult and I'm the one who should worry?"

"Until I'm old and I can come home back to you, to cry over a broken heart?" P asked with a shy smile. Sam chuckled.

"Wherever did you get that from?"

"Cassie…" Parker shrugged. "She said she lost one mom, and then Auntie Janet adopted her. That she couldn't imagine what life would be for her if she'd lost Auntie Janet too. I can't imagine what I would do without you, mommy."

Sam took a deep breath. What could she say that wouldn't be so fucked up, that would break Parker a little bit more?

"Then, I'll make sure you won't lose me for a long time. Okay?" She offered. Knowing that she had just taken her option of running away off the table.

"Deal."

"So, should I send your dad in?" She smiled. P's eyes widened.

"My dad…" She let out in an awed whisper. "I'll finally get to meet my dad."

"Only if you want to…"

"Want to? I waited for him for my entire life." She whispered back.

"I'll go get him," Sam said, standing up and walking towards the door.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, P?"

"I think I don't hate you anymore."

"Yeah, you do, but it's okay. It'll go away, eventually. Trust me, it won't be the first time you do." Sam winked at her before she walked away.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Jack heard her approach and took a deep breath. He could feel her eyes on his back and his heart started to beat wildly in his chest. This was it. He would know if Parker was willing to give him a chance after he'd behaved like an asshole with her. Utterly ignoring her whenever she was around.

"I'll take you to her room," Sam said. She saw the breath he was holding, being let out.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." He turned around to face her then. "Why are you doing this, Sam?" He asked, looking at her, searching her eyes. He found a lot of things in there, but not exactly what he was looking for. She sighed and diverted her eyes.

Leaning against the counter, she embraced herself by the middle and crooked her head.

"Sometimes I wonder… If you knew me at all." She said. "Isn't the reason obvious, Jack? I know what's like to lose a parent. I know what's like to lose a father to stupid circumstances. To drive your family so far away that you don't get Christmas invites. Or that you learn your dad has cancer, and he doesn't want you to call him. I know what's like to try to fix a family relationship that's so damn broken, that it doesn't look like a family at all. I never wanted that for you. I never wanted that for her." She took a deep breath and fought tears again. It was hard to keep them at bay when she found tears pooling in his eyes too.

"Sam…"

"No. We might be screwed up. We might not have a chance, and we might not have a clue how to unfuck what we fucked up, but Parker doesn't deserve to grow up fatherless. She deserves to know how perfectly you love when there are no limits and no regulations. She deserves you, Jack. She deserves the man I knew, the one that could mend broken spirits with his touch." A tear fell from her eyes. "It's just me who doesn't deserve you anymore…" She shrugged.

"Come, I'll show you to her room." The finality of her words and the steps she already took away from him. Took away any chance of replying. Any chance of taking the guilt and saying to her that the one who didn't deserve her was him. The one constantly screwing things up was him. That she'd made a bridge, and he'd burned it with his stupidity. She knocked on a door and a soft "Enter" reached his ears.

Sam walked past him, stopping for a second. She took his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze. "She loves you, Jack. There's no way you can fuck that up." She said. Walking back to the kitchen, leaving him to face the daughter he didn't know. The kid he'd neglected.

"Help me, Lord."