WARNING: Mentions of unhealthy, extreme coping mechanisms and spiraling into insanity ahead.
Except he wasn't coming around.
A week went by without a word from Lyon. No call. No visit to the guild. Not even so much as a food order had been delivered to Gray's house. It was as if they'd been completely cut off from the world beyond their front door. If it wasn't for the fact that Natsu and Wendy, and surprisingly even Laxus, have been taking turns checking up on them from afar, using their superior senses to gauge what was going on inside, the team would have suspected some sort of foul play was involved and would have crashed into the house days ago.
So when Lucy finally received a call from Lyon, she answered before the first chime had finished sounding on her communications lacrima.
"Lyon! How's Gray? Do you need anything? How can I help?" she asked.
"I need you to send Loke over here to stay for a while. He's the only one Gray will accept. Also, we need to meet. The whole team, somewhere private," he replied.
"I'll send him over right away. Come to my apartment. Loke will tell you how to get here. I'll call the others as well."
Natsu was the first to arrive, Happy using max speed to get there. Lyon met Erza, Wendy, and Carla on the way, but wouldn't say anything about Gray until everyone was together.
"Okay, what's going on?" Lucy asked as soon as she'd closed the door.
"Gray went off his meds four days ago, said they didn't do crap for his pain, so he found something that would. He had a stash of liquor hidden in a cabinet in the dining room. He actually made himself go through withdrawal again, just so he could drink it without worry. I didn't know what he was planning until this morning, when I found him pouring himself another glass. He... he laughed at me... when I got angry. Said it was about time I showed an appropriate response for his behavior."
"This is serious! You let him go through withdrawal?! Without any medical backup?! What were you thinking?!" yelled Erza.
"I didn't know! He somehow managed to hide it from me! The symptoms weren't as extreme as before. With what happened to him recently, I thought the increased anxieties and agitation were just more manifestations of his PTSD. And he's always had nightmares and insomnia. I didn't think it was strange for those to get worse as well!"
Before Natsu could berate him for not seeking them out sooner, Wendy chimed in.
"Lyon-san, have you been sleeping? You look awfully tired."
"Hmph. I can only sleep when he sleeps, now, which is hardly ever. If I do fall asleep while he's awake, then to him, it's like I'm not even there. That first night after his memories returned, I don't even know if he'd ever slept. I found him on the floor the next morning, just coming out of a drift. I try to stay awake with him now, but with his insomnia...
"Plus, even in his darker moods, I can tell he feels guilty over me losing sleep for his sake. But it can't be helped. He's scared to death of being alone, now, but he doesn't trust anyone else to stay with him. He only allowed Loke to come over because he wasn't involved in what happened with you guys. That, and the alcohol put him in a more agreeable mood."
"Do you need to sit down? I can make some coffee," offered Lucy.
"No. Thank you. Standing helps me stay awake. We need to figure something out. Now. He can't keep going like this. It's only been a week, and he's falling apart... I think he's been hallucinating. I've seen him look up in shock sometimes, like he was surprised to see something that wasn't there. Something terrifying. When I asked him about it, he acted like I was mistaken, that he was just thinking about something. But he couldn't disguise the fear I saw. And he's always trying to get my attention, just to make sure I'm still there. Also, I know he was afraid of going into his bedroom, but now he absolutely hates it when I go in there. He acts like I purposely go in there just to avoid him, like there's a physical barrier within the open doorway, separating me from him."
"The first thing we need to do is to get him back on his meds, especially the ones for his heart. They'll help with his anxiety, as well. What he's doing is very dangerous. His heart can't function properly on its own. He's not thinking clearly right now," said Wendy.
"He ain't thinking at all. So let's go over there, force-feed him his meds, and beat some sense into him!" said Natsu.
"You'd better be joking about that," hoped Lyon.
"Hardly. But with the crap he's pulling now, he needs less hand-holding, and more of an ass kicking!"
"What did he mean when he talked about an 'appropriate response'? It sounded like he was glad you were angry," Erza wondered.
"So the jerk was trying to piss you off?" asked Natsu.
"He was probably happy you were finally mad at him," said Lucy, "Think about it. If it wasn't for everything that's happened, how would you usually respond if he provoked you? You'd pick a fight with him, Erza would scold him, Lyon would probably provoke him right back... He's tired of being coddled, I think. He was the same way when he was without his memories. He hates being treated like an invalid and a child."
Wendy responded, "There's no point in getting mad at him. He isn't thinking straight. Because he can't. There's no telling how his mind is wired right now, but I don't think he's able to rationalize anymore. Before, he never would've even considered going off his meds so suddenly. He knew how dangerous that would've been. Now? I doubt he realizes he's acting out of character. He won't be able to understand his own motivations. Nor the consequences. He's just reacting, now."
"He did go into his bedroom before," said Natsu out of nowhere.
"What? When?" asked a surprised Lyon.
"You said that he never goes in there, but he did. Some time before Christmas. I never figured out why he went, but he was crying over that old violin for some reason."
"Why would he do that? He told us he didn't even play. Maybe it has sentimental value?" asked Erza.
"I don't think it's that. He wasn't lying about buying it from a pawn shop. There's still an old receipt inside the case. And I think he does play. At least he used to. The strings aren't that old, but they're worn. And the violin itself is well cared for. It hadn't just been sitting around, collecting dust. Did he say anything about it?"
Before Natsu could answer, Virgo appeared.
"Princess, Big Brother sent me to bring you all to Master Gray's house. He says it is very urgent. He especially requires the presence of Lady Wendy."
That didn't bode well
(Before)
"Loke, nice to see you—" Gray paused to consider, then gave a cynical smirk and one of his hissing snickers, before continuing, "—or not, I guess. I'd offer you a drink, but my babysitter cut me off."
Loke eyed his friend with worry. Lyon wasn't kidding when he said he'd have his hands full. Gray was currently sitting on the back deck, dangling a piece of string off the side of his chair for Joy to chase around. It was overcast today. Forecasters have been calling for snow, finally. It's been such a dry winter this year. This only made Loke more concerned, since Gray was dressed only in a pair of black drawstring pants and a thin hoodie, which wasn't even zipped up. It was certainly cold enough to snow, so he must have been freezing. Accept he probably couldn't feel it because of the alcohol in his system.
"I didn't think I'd be welcome if I came."
"Don't be stupid. Cats are always welcomed here," Another snicker, "Cats are good at keeping secrets. They won't betray you. You promised. That's what you said... You knew... and you never told. You're a good kitty."
He clicked his tongue, and Joy jumped into his lap, happily receiving his loving attention as he continued.
"It's your master who's lost her free pass to the castle. The spoiled princess and her entourage, the selfish dragons, and the overbearing knight. I should have known they'd do something like that, you know? In the stories, princesses are always so willful, always demanding what they assume is rightfully theirs. The dragons are hoarders. They're consumed by greed, always gathering, always seeking. Never leaving well enough alone. The knight is a seeker of justice. But always their own brand. A perceived wrong needs to be righted... She never once asked... if the wronged ever wanted it made right."
As he spoke, he continued to dangle the string before Joy, smiling as he visualized her actions from what he could perceive by her movements on his lap.
Loke wondered, "And who are you in those stories?"
"The damned knave, of course. The scoundrel. The fool. The f*cking court jester. I'm the character that gets spat on, kicked while he's down, and laughed at for his misery. I think I've played that roll pretty well. Should get a f*cking award."
...
"You're usually much more jovial when you're drunk."
"I'm usually not a torture victim when I'm drunk. I'll let you know when I'm not one anymore."
Loke's eyes widened in shock and dismay at how Gray was able to mention his torture so flippantly.
Joy was starting to get tangled in the string.
"It's getting cold out. Why don't we go inside? I think you should eat something, too. You've lost weight."
"Not if that bitch is still in there."
Loke knitted his brow. "Who?"
"My new roommate. She'd moved in quite recently. Or maybe she was always there... Just like the others... Always there..."
Now Loke understood whom he meant. Very gently, he tried to explain, "Gray, she's not here. I know you think she is, but you must know that's impossible. Your mind is just playing tricks on you right now."
"It should have been impossible before!... She died... almost twenty f*cking years ago. She never should have been there in the first place. But she was! So don't f*cking tell me what's impossible now!"
Taking a step back, Loke tried to figure a way to calm him down.
"I know! I'm not belittling what you've seen. But the necromancer is dead. He can't bring her back anymore."
"Tell that to the f*cker who's always lurking outside my bedroom."
"... The... your bedroom?... Are you talking about the necr—"
"—Did Lucy tell you I'd died?"
She hadn't needed to. He was there, that first time his heart had stopped on the train. He had helped along with everyone else, performing CPR during that long ride toIris. 'But why is he bringing this up? In all this time, he'd never talked about it.'
Too lost in bad memories and worried thoughts, he hadn't even answered when Gray continued.
"I woke up one afternoon to find a pair of doctors, fresh out med school, in my hospital room. Guess you all had stepped out while I was sleeping. They were talking about my case, right in front of me. Must've seen me Gesture before, assumed I was deaf. F*cking idiots. Glad I could be such a fascinating spectacle for them. Dumbasses didn't even know how to read the monitors, couldn't tell something was off. They just walked away."
Loke hadn't heard about that incident. just one of those things not worth bringing up again, he supposed.But he wondered why Gray thought it important to mention now.
"Don't feel bad. When Natsu returned, he could tell right away something had set me off. Didn't take him long to track them down. I'm sure the whole ward knew how he felt when he confronted them afterwards. But their gossiping had certainly been enlightening. I heard y'all did a bang up job keeping me alive on the train. I only died once with you guys. Appreciate that, by the way. Three times I was dead on the table, before the nice folks at the hospital could get their shit together, and figure out what treatment wouldn't kill me again. If they could bring me back to life, without magic, then the bastard and his bitch can do far worse. Don't you agree?"
He'd said all that so blatantly, with no sign of unease at the mention of his own deaths, regardless of the short duration of each, that Loke wondered if the notion of dying again even bothered him. Again, his concern ratcheted up another notch. He had to steer this conversation somewhere else.
"...Gray, I can't say I know what you're going through. But I'm here now, and I can be here whenever you need me, for however long you need me. I'm not gonna leave you to face whatever is in there by yourself. Neither will Lyon. Come on. Let's get out of this cold. It's alright. You're not alone."
Loke looked down, noticing how tangled up Joy had gotten.
"Besides, your cat could use some assistance right now."
Gray had noticed Joy getting less and less mobile, and felt along her whole body, finding all but one hind paw bound in string.
"You silly little minx," he said as she nuzzled his hand, seemingly not too bothered by her own predicament.
"She may need a nap after all that excitement," Loke grinned softly.
"*sigh* You're not wrong... Fine. You win. Just... keep talking or something. Don't go quiet on me," he practically begged.
"If you want, I can tell you how my last date with Aries went."
As Loke helped Gray stumble inside, experience told him he'd need to at least get some water in his friend in order to stave off some of the massive hangover he was to look forward to tomorrow. Sitting him on the couch, he went into the kitchen, keeping up a monologue of just how ravishing Aries had looked in the dress Virgo had picked out for her the night before. Just to add some spice to the story, and to maybe get a reaction out of Gray besides the creepy, depression-laced diatribes he's given so far today, he was about to bring up how much he and Aries had both enjoyed his Christmas gift, when he noticed a knife sitting in the drying rack beside the sink.
He paid it little mind at first, as he filled a glass from the faucet, but noticed a small speck of blood that hadn't been cleaned off well enough. Pulling it out, he was about to give it another rinse when he paused, considering what he was seeing. Lyon wouldn't have missed that stain. But if someone who couldn't see had washed it... Also, Lyon had given him the rundown of what's been going on all week before he'd left. He knew for a fact that Gray hadn't been eating, especially meat, which Lyon had been abstaining from as well, just to keep him comfortable. What the hell was this knife used on, then? Upon closer inspection, Loke could tell the blood was still fresh, spilled sometime this morning. Maybe before Lyon even woke up?
Water forgotten, he returned to the dining room, walking back towards the couch, when he noticed Gray's demeanor.
Having gotten Joy untangled, Gray had sat back and waited after releasing her, nursing the slight headache he knew to expect from his drunken pity party earlier, when he heard Loke's voice suddenly stop. He tried not to worry at first. The lion spirit was probably lost in thought of just how "interesting" their Christmas date must had been. But when Loke didn't pick his story back up right away, he started to wonder. His wonder quickly gave way to fear, then to panic. He started reaching for the tally marks on his arm.
Seeing what Gray was doing, Loke immediately announced himself, feeling only a little sorry when he saw how much he'd startled him.
"Where were you? You promised you wouldn't leave."
"I didn't go anywhere. Gray... what did you do?"
"... What the hell are you talking about—"
"—I found the knife. There was blood on it. What. Did. You. Do?"
Gray looked genuinely confused, like he couldn't see what the big deal was.
"... The count was off. I had to fix it. But I'm afraid it's still wrong. I can't remember how many times I've drifted, so I just restarted the count from after my memories returned. It seemed right. That's when the bitch returned, after all. I'm up to eleven, now... Lyon hadn't noticed me drifting. Not every time. You're right. He tries to be here. He doesn't want me to be alone... But he's only human. It's selfish of me to expect him to lose sleep over me. Besides, it's not so bad, once the fear disappears. It's so quiet, and warm where I go... But the bitch won't just let me go. It needs to keep count. If I lose count, I might forget... I don't want to forget again... I don't... deserve... to forget again..."
Loke was really disturbed by where this conversation had gone. He didn't think he was talking about forgetting his count, either. How had Lyon not noticed this obscene descent into madness? Was it too gradual? Was he too tired to have seen the signs? Was Gray just that good at hiding it? He knew he was more than a decent actor. But he wasn't really trying to hide it right now. He didn't see anything wrong with what he's been doing.
Swallowing nervously, he asked, "Can I see?"
Gray sat there, staring off into nothing, either ignoring the question or not having heard it. Or he was considering his answer, as it turned out. He shrugged like it was the simplest of requests, and sat up the best he could, wavering slightly, before gingerly pulling his right arm out of the sleeve of his hoodie.
If he had been in his right mind, he would have been able to anticipate how Loke would have likely reacted. Instead, he was confused and taken aback by his urgent response.
"Shit! Gray, what have you done!?" he yelled as he grabbed his arm, turning it to better see in the light. His arm was messily wrapped in a blood soaked bandage. If he had looked more closely at the sleeve of the hoodie earlier, Loke would have seen the wet sheen of blood even through the black material. He was sure he'd see blood stains along the deck chair outside if he were to check later on. But he hadn't noticed. No one had noticed.
He could tell right away that the most recent wounds had yet to close. He unwrapped the dressing with no resistance from Gray, and gasped at what was revealed. True to his word, there were now eleven tallies total slashed across his forearm instead of the original five. Some showed signs of hesitance, were more shallow. The newer ones were dangerously deep, gaping, with no evidence of restraint in their inflictions. If Gray were to continue unabated...
"Damn it! Hold this here!" He yelled as he waddled up the dressings and placed it over the wounds, grabbing Gray's hand to put on top of it, getting him to hold it in place. He should have realized. He saw the bottles Lyon had tossed away. Most were still full. He hadn't really drunk that much to get as inebriated as he seemed, even while taking his currently low tolerance into account. He'd been bleeding himself all week, and he'd managed to hide it this whole time.
Gray wasn't cooperating, not understanding why Loke had such a problem with his helpful reminders. It wasn't like he enjoyed it. It was actually quite painful, to be honest. All he knew was that, for some reason beyond his ability to comprehend, it was important to keep count of his drifting. At least it had been. It must have been really important. Moms always knew best. It was a universal rule. She must have had a reason. It wasn't important. At the very least, the newer pains helped distract from the many other pains that have gradually made themselves known since he'd given up on his meds. Hmm, maybe they had been helping somewhat. Not all was lost, then. He'd learned something. "A" for effort.
While he was lost in his own thoughts, Loke was trying to further assess the damage. The wounds were warm, the skin red with infection. He couldn't handle this on his own. If only he could pull Gray into the Celestial realm with him, to take him to the infirmary right away.
"I need to call for help. Wendy or Porlyusica."
That snapped him out of his daze, and he wrenched his arm free, flinging drops of blood as he moved. He stood abruptly to push him away, though he swayed more than stood.
"I don't want them here! Not them, or anyone else from the guild"
"Listen to me! These are serious wounds. You need stitches, and antibiotics. Hell, for all I know, you probably need a blood transfusion!"
"Don't you dare bring those treacherous snakes into my house!"
Loke tried to stay calm. He knew Gray wasn't in his right mind, but this was more than he'd bargained for. Okay, if he couldn't bring their friends over, then how about...
"I'll get Virgo, then. And some water from the Celestial World. That will take care of the infection, at least. Just hang tight. I won't be long—"
"—Wait! Don't go! You said you wouldn't leave me!"
Loke's heart almost broke at the look of loss and fear on Gray's face, and he felt an irrational sense of guilt over the idea that he was somehow betraying him. He knew he was taking a risk by leaving him alone, but weighed against the other option, of having to wait for Wendy and the others to get here, on top of the very real possibility that Gray would have a total melt down and hurt himself even more if they did show themselves, then retrieving Virgo was the best option. It was also the quickest one, as well. He really wouldn't be gone that long.
"I'm sorry. More than you can know. But you need help. I promise, I'll be right back. I swear."
Loke was gone before he could witness Gray's anguished response...
Next chapter: The team discovers the true depths of Gray's sorrow.
