Merlin walked through the castle, the halls empty and nostalgic like a bird's nest in winter. It was getting late now, the sky was a deepening orange, and the air was getting colder. Distantly, he could hear the clanging of swords and the yells of knights training down in the courtyard. Merlin leaned against the walls and slumped down to sit on the floor.
Gaius was right. About everything.
Arthur didn't need fixing.
It was Merlin who needed to change. He'd lied to Arthur and then expected no consequences to their relationship. He'd been more concerned with his magic and Arthur's safety than the repercussions of his lies. They hadn't even been simple fibs. They were unforgivable deceptions.
Like lying about Ygraine. Merlin had stolen Arthur's autonomy. He could have found another way. Interfering had only led to more suffering. He didn't understand how personal it was to Arthur. It was one of the first damning mistakes Merlin made.
Then with Kilgharrah and the attacks on Camelot. He'd watched Arthur struggle and suffer, desperate to save his people. Merlin freed Kilgharrah, and innocent people died as the dragon sought revenge. In the end, Merlin lost his father and told Arthur he'd killed the beast. Merlin's meddling had just hurt himself and everyone he cared for. His heart clenched at the memory of watching Arthur grieve for his lost comrades and subjects… watching the king blame himself for not being a better protector. But what was Arthur supposed to do? Everyone looks to him for guidance and leadership, but aside from the rare occasion he opened up to Merlin, Arthur had no one.
Merlin scrubbed harshly at his eyes, willing the guilty angry tears away. But his mind was already racing, and the list of his misdeeds piled up quickly. Uther's death, while an accident, was Merlin's fault. Morgana's betrayal certainly was, too. Merlin had poisoned her. He'd turned her against them, made her angry, abandoned her when she was afraid and lonely. And Excalibur... how much of Arthur's confidence as king came from that sword? And for what? Merlin growled frustratedly and thumped his head back harshly on the wall.
Arthur had confessed his doubts about Uther's laws. He rebelled against his father, and he went searching for the Mortaeus flower. Then Arthur helped Merlin and Morgana smuggle out the little druid boy, Mordred. And finally he'd turned to 'Dragoon the Great' for help when his father lay dying. And still, Merlin kept lying. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Every word had suffocated his spirit, and the brunet scratched uselessly at the strangled feeling in his chest.
Merlin had gotten swept away by the pressures of a great destiny. He had lost himself and forgotten the bright eyed hopeful boy he used to be. The only time Merlin felt like himself was with Arthur. He relied on him more than he'd realised. He became addicted to the 'Once and Future King' but neglected Arthur in the process.
Arthur had trusted him with his innermost thoughts, doubts, and responsibilities... and Merlin had taken it for granted. Arthur portrayed himself as some sort of oblivious comic relief character, and Merlin bought it. But when the truth came crumbling down, Arthur had done the right thing. He could have hated Merlin, but instead, he freed him. Arthur was fulfilling his destiny.
After all, what did the king do when he discovered Merlin's betrayal? Arthur offered him the position of Court Sorcerer and legalised magic. He proved all of Merlin's fears wrong. So why was Merlin still so scared? Did the mere idea of Arthur being 'competent' upset him? It revealed some truths about Merlin. He underestimated Arthur.
Arthur was incredible. No matter what happened, he pushed forward and did what was best for his people. Arthur stood toe to toe with monsters and men alike without hesitation. Without magic. He was just a man, but he was fearless. He always did what was right, no matter the cost.
Merlin had been dependent on Arthur for so long, dedicated his life to him. The warlock had created this false narrative where Arthur was helpless without him. But how could Merlin claim to care about Arthur if he blew up the first time the king was true to himself? Arthur had lifted the ban on magic. He'd done it. And when his decision was questioned, Arthur had stood behind it fiercely. His words echoed in Merlin's head.
"I have dissolved the ban on magic. It's prejudiced and violent, and it resulted in the deaths of hundreds. I have no need for it in my kingdom."
"Those with magic in my lands are still my people. They are not my enemies, they are my subjects, and I must serve them as such."
"Magic does not corrupt people. Fear does. And power."
"Yes, I am a young king, and I don't know what kind of king I will become, but I do have a sense of the kind of Camelot I wish to live in. One of equality and justice."
They could share the burden. Share the responsibility. Arthur wasn't being sabotaged anymore. Their destinies were intertwined. Arthur's part in the prophecy was equal to Merlin's. They were two sides of the same coin. For a while, that coin had laid on its side. Merlin's revealed to the light, and Arthur's pressed into the darkness. They had to find a way to balance. Merlin had to trust Arthur. He would learn from his failures, and he would apologise. Maybe, someday, he could earn back Arthur's trust.
Also, he would have to find a way to fix Gaius's floor... and go herb picking for a solid month to restock Gaius's cabinets.
Merlin sighed and stood stiffly and hobbled back to the physician's chambers. But then, as he rounded the corner, Merlin saw Arthur duck into Gaius's room.
