"I just wish Dumbledore would reach out already. The tension is fucking killing me," said Sirius, pacing back and forth across the small room. "He hasn't changed a bit. Keeping us all in the dark, little pawns who are never allowed to see the whole board."
"Will you sit down, Sirius? I'm getting anxious just watching you," said Remus tiredly from where he lay slumped back into the ragged little couch.
Remus rubbed at his forehead as if staving off a headache. Sirius had been on edge all day. He was going on and on about increasingly dire hypotheticals to explain the lack of contact from the Order. He couldn't seem to sit still for more than a minute before he would be up and pacing again.
Remus could feel the migraine setting in. He wasn't as young as he had once been and the days leading up to his transformations had become increasingly exhausting over the years. Sirius was about to start off on another tangent when he caught the pained look on Remus' face.
"Fine," he huffed, grabbing a chair from the dining table and swinging it around to face the couch. He sat down quietly for a second. Only for a second. "You can't tell me you're not going crazy here."
"I want to get answers just as much as you, Pads, but there's no point getting worked up about it."
"It's not like I have any distractions here. I could really use a fucking drink or six. All these years, Moony, I don't know how you kept it up. I certainly wouldn't have had your self-restraint," Sirius said flippantly.
Remus gave him a funny look. Sirius had been making a lot of little comments like that over the past few days. He seemed to have come to some conclusions about the way Remus had spent those twelve years Sirius had been locked up. Remus did not feel compelled to correct his assumptions.
"Well just head down to the pub then. Take Buckbeak with you in case you think being the countries most recognizable mass murderer isn't quite conspicuous enough," said Remus sarcastically.
"Fine. Whatever," Sirius conceded. "So, what do you usually do around here when you're not harboring fugitives? Surely your life isn't this boring."
"Excuse me?"
"You want me to shut up about the war, then let's talk about something else. Come on, this can't have been all you did with your time before I showed up."
Remus sighed, sitting up slightly. Sirius had been laying off of the questions a bit, apparently trying to keep the peace after his little episode the other day. Clearly, he was no longer in such a diplomatic mood. Remus could tell he was getting frustrated with his lack of forthcoming answers, but he couldn't help it. Sirius wanted to hear about the life he imagined Remus had been living. He didn't want to hear the truth.
"What is it you believe I do with my time?" asked Remus with a raised brow.
"I don't know, Mr Cryptic. Fourteen years and you never made a friend? You don't go out? You traveled the world and you want me to believe that you spend all your time, what, gardening?" Sirius sighed. When he spoke again his tone was calmer, more sincere. "Come on, you have a life outside of this bubble. Tell me about it."
"It's really not that interesting. Sometimes I do odd jobs helping people in the community. I like going to the farmers' market. I don't really do a lot of socializing these days."
"You don't socialize? You? The same man who couldn't go one night alone without having a meltdown?" said Sirius with an incredulous laugh, not paying attention as Remus demeanor grew awkward. "Since when do you like being alone?"
"What can I say, people change," he said uncomfortably.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "So all these years, hopping from country to country, living your life, and you just never had friends?" he asked disbelievingly.
"No," Remus conceded, trying to be sympathetic to Sirius' frustration. "I had friends, I suppose. People who came and went over the years. Nobody I talk to these days."
Sirius paused a moment. "What about relationships? I never had any myself given that pretty much everyone in prison was either my cousin or catatonic. Bit of a turn off, you know?" he deadpanned.
Remus looked down at his hands, fighting a wave of nausea. "Sirius, please-"
Sirius laughed, though it sounded distinctly devoid of humor. "Relax, Moony. I didn't assume you were celibate. I certainly wouldn't have been if I'd had any choice in the matter. And for a catch like you, Professor Lupin," he said with a wink, "they must have been lining up around the block."
Remus smiled indulgently. "Funnily enough, I had other things on my mind during my year as a professor. There was a killer on the loose, you know," he said, trying to lighten the mood.
Sirius was staring again. Underneath the frantic energy and wide eyes he looked almost wistful. Remus clasped his hands together in front of him to stop himself from fidgeting.
"You don't have to hide it," said Sirius bitterly. "I know that you're trying to keep it from me. The fact that everyone else kept living while I was stuck in that cell, but I know that life went on without me. I won't be hurt by the fact that you had friends. Relationships. That you lived your fucking life. You're keeping things from me because you think I'm too fragile," he said with increasing paranoia. "You didn't owe me anything. We weren't even together at the end, not that it stopped you when we were," he spat.
As soon as he said it, Sirius wanted to take it back. Remus felt ice run down his spine. They had only spoken the once about Remus' past infidelity, the thing that had destroyed what was left of their relationship. Sirius had given the impression that he had let those old wounds go and Remus desperately wanted to believe it was true. Clearly that wasn't the case.
Sirius leaned back, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. He looked up at Remus' blank, impassive face.
"I didn't mean that."
"Forget it. Doesn't matter," muttered Remus.
Sirius studied his face a moment, desperately searching for a crack in the wall Remus had erected around himself. He found nothing. The man wouldn't even defend himself. Sirius stood up and began pacing again.
"I just don't get it. You've lived this whole life, become this whole new person. Do you think I'm jealous? I'm glad things were better for you. That you got your shit together after everything that happened. I know I wouldn't have if I was in your shoes. Not you though. You- fuck, Remi, you cook! You live alone! You were a teacher. You don't have to hide it all from me. I'm not that weak," Sirius finished in frustration.
"What is it that you think?" asked Remus, unable to restrain himself any longer. He didn't want to upset Sirius. He knew how much he was struggling, but there was only so much of accusation and insecurity he could take. "You think that all this time I've been productive and sober and traveling the world having whirlwind romances? Now I'm just trying not to rub it in your face? Saving all my pity for poor little Sirius, the only one who lost anything?" asked Remus incredulously.
"I wouldn't know! You refuse to talk about it! All I know is that after everything, you got better and I just got worse!" exclaimed Sirius, eyes burning. "You went off and lived your life while I was in that cell and Harry was in that fucking house and where were you? You were the last person left to love him and where the fuck were you? Did you even try to look after him?"
Remus' breath caught in his throat as so many years of pain began to well up in Sirius' eyes and spill over as tears. Sirius stilled. For a moment the room was completely silent. Sirius had not expected to say that any more than Remus had expected to hear it. Now that the words were out, though, he was glad.
The thought had crawled its way into his mind more than once. Where the fuck had Remus been that was worth leaving James and Lily's son behind while Sirius sat powerless in Azkaban?
"How can you even say that?" whispered Remus. "Of course I tried," he said, standing up and stepping towards Sirius. "I begged Dumbledore to let me take him. You think anyone was going to let me have a baby? I had no legal rights. I wasn't family. I wasn't the Godfather. Even if I was, you think anyone is going to award custody to a werewolf?"
"There could have been a way to make it work. It's one night a month. Dumbledore could have made it work. You could have convinced him!" Sirius accused.
"You mean you could have. If it had been you who was free, you could have kept Harry safe. That's what's killing you, isn't it? That I'm the one who was left and you think I just fucked off and forgot about it all. About Harry. About you. Do you think I didn't want to look after him? I couldn't even look after myself, and everyone knew it! Nobody in their right mind would have entrusted me with a fucking baby."
"Don't give me excuses. He entrusted you with an entire school of kids!"
"It's different! I'm not the same as I used to be. I don't even know why I have to tell you this! You knew me back then. You knew what I was like. You think that all just went away? Even you could barely stand me most of the time because I was such a fucking mess!"
Sirius shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. "Sure you were fucked up. We were all fucked up, it was a war! You're obviously got over it. Even before the end, you were clean, you were getting better. You could have done it if it's what you really wanted," he finished with such certainty.
Remus tilted his head, meeting Sirius eyes with a scrutinizing stare. Every new word hit like a punch in the chest. Every accusation that Sirius hurled at him an echo of the thoughts and fears that had haunted him through so many years. Thoughts that had almost broken him all over again when he finally met Harry and understood what he had been left to. What if he had only fought harder? Been better? What if he had protected Harry? What if, what if, what if...
He'd been working hard the last few years to understand that he had done what he could. That ultimately, Dumbledore had his own plans and he never would have given in to Remus, regardless of what state he'd been in. It tore him apart to know that Sirius thought he'd failed in all the ways he feared the most.
"I'm sorry," said Remus eventually. "If I could go back and trade places with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. You deserved to be free. You would have done so much more with it than I ever did. It would have been worth something. I wish I could give that to you. To Harry," he finished mournfully.
All of that frantic energy seemed to drain out of Sirius at once as a new, more desperate silence swept the room. Remus stood still for only a moment before he averted his gaze, striding past Sirius to his bedroom.
Sirius watched him go as a fog of shame descended upon him. Stupid. Stupid fucking idiot. Never knowing when to shut up or what to do. He only wanted to make Remus talk, he thought as the door clicked closed, leaving him alone in the lounge. He only wanted to talk. How could he have so little control? It was pathetic. No wonder Remus felt the need to protect him. No wonder he felt the need to handle him with kid gloves.
He hadn't meant it. Not really. It was just so hard to separate his fears from reality. So hard to tell the difference between a thought and a truth, especially when he was upset. He'd apologize later. He'd make it up to Remus. He wasn't about to drive away the only friend he had left.
