I was in the GQ, studying. That was where I was spending most of my time these days. I had both eyes on my most important goal: to get in the Auror's training program. For now, it was February 17th, and the teachers were more and more exigent on our assignments, constantly buzzling us about NEWTS and how it would be a game changer to perform great in those. I knew that already. And, since everybody were getting on my nerves, lately, I was locking myself up here most of the time. Actually, I was practically living here, most of the time, I didn't need roommates to distract me and social life was too time-consuming. My friends were always on my back, trying to get me to hang out more, but I was too focused to be bothered. Sirius wasn't even trying anymore. I guess that having a boyfriend during NEWTS year was kind of a bad idea to begin with. We didn't properly end our relationship, per say, but in my opinion, it was pretty much over.

My heart jumped as I heard the door open in my back. Who the hell could that be? My friends knew better than to disturb me, I thought, pissed off already. I got up to see who had the nerves to come and I was about to tell him or her off, when I saw that the headmaster was closing the door behind him, before he faced me.

- Professor Dumbledore? I said, too surprised to greet him properly.

- It's quite the perfect place to study, he said, nodding to our surroundings.

- How did you find me? I asked.

- Oh, your friends told me where I would certainly find you, he said, while coming to sit himself in the couch facing my armchair. Sit down, he said.

I did, frowning at him.

- So, Miss Meadowes, I've learned that you're doing pretty well in class? He asked.

- … I guess so...? I answered.

- Your mother would be proud! He said, looking intently at me.

- I guess she would, I shrugged. Is there a reason for your visit, Sir? Am I not allowed to be using the Room of Requirement? I guessed.

- Oh, no, not at all. I find that your use of that room is very appropriate, Miss. Meadowes. Except that I think that you should sleep up in your dorm, like any other student, he said, looking at the bed behind the couch. In fact, I'm here for something else.

- Which is? I impatiently asked.

- I'm here to talk to you about the spell you're using to refrain the pain of your loss, he simply stated.

I looked at him, understanding that I've been exposed.

- Who? How did you find out? I asked.

- That is not important. What is important is how to undo that unfortunate decision, he said.

- I don't want to, I said. I'm fine.

- Oh, to stay in this state is not an option, I'm afraid. I just wanted to tell you how it will go.

I stayed silent, seeing that he wasn't on my side.

- That is dangerous and restricted magic you've been using, Miss Meadowes. May I ask you since when you're under that spell?

- … Since my mother's funerals, I admitted, crossing my arms, pouting.

- So, it's been... nearly a month and a half, he calculated.

- I guess.

- Did you know how badly a long-term use of this spell can go? Did you know that people lost their mind by doing so?

- I didn't, I admitted, not caring at all.

- Here's what going to happen. You'll be fine, Miss Meadowes, but you'll need help. We're going to the Hospital wing, where Miss. Pomfrey will administrate a strong sleeping potion to you, plunging you unto a deep and dreamless sleep. Then, I will say the counter spell. You will be put to sleep for three days, and you should be able to function when we'll wake you up. Any questions?

- No, only a comment, I'll fall behind in my studies, I pouted.

- What I care for is your well-being, Miss Meadowes, I'm positive that you'll catch up pretty fast, he said, getting up. Shall we?

I sighed loudly, packed my things in my bag and followed him out.

I opened my eyes, feeling like I was once again on a terrible hangover. Merlin, I'll really need to stop drinking, it was catastrophic. My throat was completely soared, and I had a gigantic headache.

- I think she's awaking, I heard next to me.

I looked around and saw that I was in the Hospital wing. What was I doing here? I saw Pomfrey coming by my side and helping me to sit, then she gave me something to drink. It was feeling a little like James' potions, and I felt a little better already, warmth spreading through my body, my headache going away slowly. She moved and I saw that Remus was lying in the bed next to mine.

- Hey, he greeted me warmly.

I looked at him, but before I was able to answer him, I got submerged with a flow of souvenirs of the last weeks. Mostly, I was overwhelmed with pain. My mom. She was gone. Forever. I would never again see her or hear her voice... I couldn't refrain a pained sob from escaping me. Remus stood from his bed and came to sit on mine to hug me.

- Mr. Lupin, you shouldn't get up, yet, Miss Pomfrey weakly protested.

He was indeed looking very feeble and in a bad state. I guess last night must have been the full moon...

- My friend needs me, he just answered her, defying her to try to stop him.

- I'll... I'll be close by if you need me, she simply replied, before leaving us.

- Everything will be fine, Remus whispered to me.

The closeness was so welcome that I clung to him very strongly. It all came back at once, making me feel extremely dizzy. The souvenirs. The stupid spell. I had made myself numb, for a very long time. I pushed them all away, one by one. My boyfriend, my friends... Everyone... JAMES. Oh Merlin. James...

- James! I said, sobbing even more in Remus' neck.

- He's fine, he knows that... You weren't yourself... Remus said.

- I'm such an idiot, I sobbed. I'm so sorry...

- You were trying to feel better, he said.

- I ruined everything... I cried. I can't believe you're still friend with me, after what I did... I said, pulling myself back a little to be able to look at him.

I remembered how inappropriate I was with him.

Remus

A week ago

I needed to understand what was going on with Dorcas. It wasn't possible that she just turned unto that person. She didn't care about any of us anymore. It was like she didn't need or like anyone these days. Lily told me about Regulus' theory. I was kind of counting on it, because I couldn't accept that the girl I loved for years, that funny, cunning, full of life and loving person was gone. I was helping with research, but it seemed like we were going nowhere. I decided to try to talk to her about it. I was on my way to our GQ, where I knew she was spending all of her free time these days. I made the door appear, then politely knocked to announce myself to her.

- What is it? I heard her say.

I opened the door. She was there, all right, sitting in the armchair in front of the fireplace, surrounded by books. I closed the door in my back.

- Oh, hey, Remus, she said, without any enthusiasm.

I took a look around. I realised that she had made herself pretty comfortable. The girls told me that she was more than often just staying here instead of with them in their dorm. There was a comfortable bed at the end of the room, and a door, surely a bathroom... The bed was undone and there were scattered clothes on it.

- So, you're pretty much staying here, now? I asked her, turning to look at her.

- It's more practical, she said.

At that moment I really looked at her. She was seated comfortably in her armchair, her naked legs bent and reflecting the orange glow of the crackling fire behind it. She was wearing what seems to be only her school blouse, and the buttons were undone enough to get a good view of her cleavage. I was completely motionless, hypnotized by this vision. It looked like it came out from one of the daydreams I had about her...

- Everything's fine, Remus? She said.

- Yeah, of course, I didn't want to bother you... I said, taking a step back to the door.

- It's fine, I mean, now that you did... She said, tossing her books and getting up.

She was a vision all right. Her long legs were nearly entirely uncovered by the blouse which was barely long enough to cover her panties. Her hair was up, tied in a messy bun, some locks running free from it, framing her face. But the worst was the unbuttoned blouse, revealing just enough of her bra... I shook my head and gulped, trying to get back my brain. She was Sirius' girlfriend. Or was she? It wasn't very clear at the moment. But even so, I couldn't... I took another step back.

- Am I intimidating you, Remus? She said, smirking, as she was coming closer to me.

OF COURSE, YOU ARE, I shouted to her in my head. She was so desirable at the moment, that I was finding it very difficult to find it in me to just run away from her.

- I don't understand, I mean, you shagged Marlene for a while, surely a half-naked girl isn't something new for you? She said, while arriving in front of me.

I took another step back.

- You perfectly know what the difference is, Dorcas, I managed to say.

- You think you love me, yeah, I know. But maybe you're just mixing up love and lust. It's easy enough to verify, she purred, putting her hands on my chest.

- Dorcas, don't do this, I said, taking another step back, closing in on the door behind me. Think about Sirius...

- What about him? We didn't even spoke for days, she said, unbuttoning another button of her blouse, making me see her bra.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, NOW, I thought. I closed my eyes and took a breath, feeling my resolve dissolving pretty fast. I must act now, or I'll do what can be the worst mistake ever. Sirius would hate me forever.

- Merlin, Dorcas, what are you doing? What is happening to you? I sighed, shaking my head, before I got to the door and left without looking back...

Dorcas

- I'm mortified about that night, Remus... I said, still crying. I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. I remember it, all of it. But I was deprived of all my senses and emotions... I didn't care about anything or anyone. I'm so terribly sorry... You must think that I'm a whore...

He stood up and came back to sit on his bed.

-I can't deny that for a little while, that night, it crossed my mind. But I remembered that you were completely different. I... I knew that you weren't in your right mind. We all knew it, we just were unable to help, it was very frustrating... He sighed.

- Did you tell him? I asked, referring to Sirius.

- No, I'm not suicidal, he laughed.

- I hate lies, I sighed.

- I know, I feel the same. But some things are best unsaid... He said.

I sighed, my hands over my face in shame.

- At least, nothing happened, thanks to you, I said, mortified at the idea that I could have sleep with him that night.

- Trust me, one of the hardest decisions I've made, he said, looking at the window to not look at me.

- You're such a good person, Remus, I said.

- Please... Don't say that. Let's change the subject, he said, pain all over his features.

I was such an imbecile to put him through this. Wasn't it not enough that I wasn't returning his feelings, I really needed to torture him some more? I was a horrible person, even if I wasn't myself, the remorse I felt was unbearable.

- You know he came to see you every day, he said, clearly evoking Sirius.

- I don't know how I can be worthy of you people, I sniffed loudly and inelegantly. ... How did you guys managed to know that I was under that spell? I asked.

- Thanks to Regulus, he's the one who pointed us in the right direction... He said.

- Regulus... As in, Sirius brother?

- Yeah, the fact that you were acting friendly with him raised suspicion on his part and he's the one who told us to try to find a spell or a curse that could explain your state.

- He did?

- Actually, he's also the one who found it, in the Restricted Area, in a Dark magic book, he frowned at me.

- … I know it's bad. I found the spell in my mom's diary, I've learned later on that it was that kind of magic...

- Ahem... I heard in my back.

My dad was standing next to the bed, looking at us.

- I'll give you two a moment, Remus said, standing up and going to see Pomfrey at the end of the room.

My dad came to sit in the chair next to the bed.

- How are you feeling? He asked me.

- Like a wreck, I sniffed, still overwhelmed by all the emotions and feelings that were coming back.

- Good, then you'll know better, next time. Don't you ever do something that stupid again, you hear me? You're all I have left, he said, his voice breaking at the end.

- I'm sorry dad, it was just... Too much...

- Do you think I don't know that? You think you're the only one suffering? While you were losing a mother, I was losing the love of my life, he said, hiding his face in his hands.

- I know, I'm sorry... I repeated.

- This is war, Dorcas. We will lose people. You might lose me too, one day. Merlin, I might even lose you to those bastards... He said fervently. But for now, we're still here, we're still alive, I'm not giving up the fight, and you will join it too. People will continue to die, Dorcas. I know how painful it is, trust me, but we're on the good side of this war, and we'll continue, in hope that someday, things will get better. If not for us, then it'll be for the next generations of wizards, you understand?

- I do.

- You're allowed to miss her, Merlin knows I do. But you're not allowed to use that spell ever again, have I made myself clear enough?

- Yes.

- This is dark magic, Dorcas, you know better than this. And I know that Luvinia was using it sometimes. We fought often about it.

- Trust me, I won't use it anymore... I said, feeling very stupid.

- Great, now come here, he said, standing up to comfort me, as I was still hyperventilating from all the overwhelming emotions coming back at once.

- You can go, take that special permission, in case someone is asking why you're out of Gryffindor's tower after curfew, Miss Pomfrey said, giving me a paper that she wrote on and signed.

- Thanks, I said.

- Will you be fine, dear? She asked, looking a little concerned.

- Yes, I'm fine... Good night... I said, leaving the infirmary.

I walked back in direction of my tower, where all my friends will be. I didn't even know what to say to them... I was happy that it was kind of late, so the Common Room was nearly empty when I came in. As I arrived in front of the stairs, I looked at it, wondering where I should go first. To the girls or to the boys? My heart panged loudly as I was thinking about Sirius. And James. I needed to see James very badly. It was urgent. I climbed their staircase very fast, then knocked at their doors. James opened it. I just threw myself at him, and I cursed myself as the flow of tears came back again, and I just dropped all attempt at not looking like a crazy person and just began to sob. I heard him sighed from something like relief, as he hugged me back pretty tightly.

- James, I'm so sorry... That I was so selfish and stupid, and that I wasn't there when you needed me the most... I sobbed, while gripping him very strongly.

- It's fine, Meadowes, I'm glad you're back... He sighed.

I pulled back a little to look up at him. It's like I've not seen him truly in weeks. He looked tired, and sad, and thinner...

- You look like crap, I said, sniffing.

- You're not super pretty too, at the moment, he smiled at me. I missed you, pest, he nudged me.

- I owe you like, big, big time, I said, smiling between the tears.

- Fine, I'll be sure to remind you that you said that pretty often, he smiled at me. Come in, he said, pulling me by the arm to enter the dorm.

- Hey, Dorcas, Pete greeted me with a smile. Glad to have you back, I mean... You know...

- Yeah, I know, thanks, I smiled at him.

I turned my head in direction of Sirius' bed. Here he was, indeed, sitting on the edge of it, looking up at me.

- We'll... Come, Pete, mate, we'll go downstairs for a bit, James said in my back, while I wasn't detaching my eyes from Sirius'.

I heard the door closing behind me and that made me jump.

- Why? Why would you do something like that? He asked me.

I came to sit on Remus' bed, facing him.

- Because I was devastated. Because I was weak. Because I was a coward... I said, still feeling tears running down my cheeks. My mom... I just couldn't bare it, to lose her. And I knew about that stupid spell... I used it before, you know. That night, when I went to Mary's after the attack... And that other time... After you told me that you didn't want to be with me... I sniffed.

- You did? He asked me, his eyes wide.

- That night, Sirius, you broke my heart, I sighed.

- I didn't know... He said.

- Well, I began, anyway... It was... Practical, and I managed to turn it on again soon enough... After my mom's funerals, I thought... I needed a break, I thought... A week, or something? Thing is, it dulled me, and I it was feeling good, to feel numb... Focused on what I felt was important... So, I guess I just kind of forget I was still on it, after a while, or I just didn't care anymore...

He simply nodded, still looking at me with a serious expression.

- And now that it's gone, I continued, it all came back. The pain from my loss, the pain for James' lost, for pushing you away, you and the others. I regret this so bad, Sirius, you cannot begin to understand how much.

- And how do you feel, about me, now? He asked, his face still a little hard, I guess there was a little resentment... It was not the way he would usually look at me. I mean, before all this.

But I deserved this, I thought. He was fully allowed to be mad at me.

- I miss you so much that it hurts... I sighed. And you have all the rights to be mad at me. You should be... I said, my hands beginning to tremble from the ache of not being able to touch him.

- I was giving up on you, he sighed. If my brother wouldn't have found out that you were under a spell... I was clueless... He said.

- Are you feeling guilty right now? Because that's ridiculous, it's all on me... I frowned at him.

He stopped looking at his hands and raised his face for his eyes to meet mine.

- You won't do this ever again, right? He asked, very serious.

- Trust me, I feel so ashamed, it won't happen again. I'll just... Toughen up... I sniffed.

- That, and learn to rely on the people that loves you? He said.

- And by that, do you mean that you still love me? I asked, full of hope.

He didn't answer. I sighed and turned to look at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears in. I was tired of all the crying. He got up and came to face me. I raised my face to look at him. He was holding out his hand to me. I took it, and he pulled me up, then took me in his arms. I was overwhelmed by it. It was so good and a relief, that it was hurting me inside. His after shave delicious smell, his arms around me, the warmth given by our proximity... I raised my chin to look at him and he was staring intently at me too.

- I love you, I whispered.

He leaned toward me and our lips were so close that I felt his warm breath on mine. I closed up the distance remaining, and I grazed his lips with mine very lightly, slowly... His lips came back to mine a second later, then we kissed for real. It was feeling so good, as if it was our first time all over again.

- I love you too, he said back, when we stopped to take a breath of air.

I couldn't refrain a yawn, I was exhausted from the emotional maelstrom.

- Am I boring you? He smiled.

- Of course, not. But, I gotta say, I'm about to faint from exhaustion, and... I still need to make amend to my roommates, too...

- You came here first? He said, looking surprised.

- Well, yeah, of course... I needed to see you, and James was also a priority... I said. How is he coping? I asked.

- He's doing his best to bury himself in everything to not have time to think about it... Sirius said.

- He's clearly coping better than me, I smiled.

- Well, you know the bloke, he's annoyingly better at everything, Sirius smiled back at me.

- Don't push it, he's a terrible singer, and he's completely atrocious when courting someone, I laugh.

- He did get the girl, though, did he not? Sirius laughed too.

- Yeah, Lily always had a soft spot for retards, I laughed.

- That I've missed, too, he said, you were SO BORING, never laughing, the sassiness all gone... He nudged me.

- Well, I hope you made the most of this break, because the vacations are over, pal, Sassy Dorcas is back, I nudged him back.

- I can handle Sassy Dorcas anytime, he cockily said.

I was still buried in schoolwork in the library, managing to keep up despite the three days of class I missed, Remus and Lily were very kind to help me, giving me their notes and explaining the assignments we were to do. Lily, and my other roommates were fast to forgive me of my big mistake. They were mostly pitying me, I think... Actually, I felt incredibly lucky that all my friends and my boyfriend were loving me that much. I felt like I didn't deserve it, it was nearly too much. I've been an idiot, and they could have ditch me. Yet again, I don't think I would have reacted any differently now that I think about it. They were so important in my life, even more now that I've lost a big chunk of my family...

- So, I guess that now you're back hating me? I heard in my back.

I turned to look at Regulus, who was looking at me, hands in pocket.

- Strangely, I don't, I said.

- Really? How so?

- Call me naïve, but I don't think that you're a bad person, I said. I know that you think you are. You've been eager to gain the love of someone underserving of it, and you've turned your back to the only person who loved you for real.

- Sirius stopped to love me when he abandoned me there... He spat.

- Is it really what you think? Because he's thinking the complete opposite. That you stopped loving him when he left.

- It's life, we grew out of it. We followed different paths.

- You don't have to, you still can change your mind about this, I said.

- You don't get it. It's political. We, wizards, are tired to hide from stupid muggles. We're powerful, they should be the ones hiding, he said, his eyes dark.

- Rising by trampling others is an ugly victory, I replied. And you know what? I think you already know that it's wrong. I just fear that you'll back off when it's too late, when there's no possible redemption for you. I hope that you'll be able to live with yourself, when you'll truly realise how wrong you were. Hell, I simply wish that you'll still be alive to realise it...

He just stayed there, looking at me for a minute, his eyes piercing through mine. Then, he shook his head in disbelief and turned on his heels to leave.

- Thank you, by the way, for your help, I said to his back, making him stop in his track.

He turned back to me, with a small smile.

- Next time someone skilled in the dark arts helps you out of a stupid decision you made, try to remember that nothing is black or white in life... He nodded to me, before he left.

I couldn't argue with that, because it was partially true. He did something good, using his knowledge of the dark arts... I came back to my books for a while, trying to make sense of the Potions assignment and failing miserably, when I heard something coming from the alley at my right. It sounded like someone Pssssst-ing me. I turned to look and saw that Sirius was there, at the end of the alley, grinning at me. He then put his finger on his lips, mimicking me to be silent, then he nonchalantly turned the corner and disappeared. What was he playing at? I wondered, intrigued. I got up and went in his direction. As I was turning the corner, I saw him looking at me from another corner, still hushing me, and disappearing again. I followed him another time, more and more intrigued. We played that cat and mouse game for a while, until we were a the very end of a far and isolated corner, clearly not visited often if the accumulation of dust would be of any indication. He waited for me at the end of it, smiling his crooked smile.

- What are you playing at? I whispered to him, once I was close enough.

- You've been working hard, I thought that I could come and encourage you in your efforts... He said.

His voice was a little husky, his pupils were darker, I felt a warmth coursing through my veins just thinking about what I could be doing with him instead of stupid schoolwork... He pulled me to him, then kissed me fervently, confirming my suspicion that he was turned on. He then pushed me gently unto the bookshelf, his hand trailing on my left thigh, going up and under my skirt. His hand reached my panties and began to pull on it to remove it.

- Sirius? What are you doing? We're in the library!? I whispered to him but doing absolutely nothing to stop him.

- Don't you think it's even more fun, the fact that we could get caught?

I just gulped from the excitation. He smiled and nodded, knowing that I was unto it too. I mean, we haven't really done anything for weeks, and the last times we did, I wasn't feeling it truly because of the spell I was under... My body was craving him so much... He removed my panties and stuff it in his pocket.

- I'll keep those, he said, smiling at me.

- Why on Merlin? I asked.

- Don't worry, I'm not a creep who finds his kick sniffing underwear's, he laughed. I just want you to remember me, when you'll go back without it later, he added.

That being said, he kneeled in front of me.

- What are you doing? I asked him.

- I'm famished, he said, winking at me, before his head disappeared under my skirt.

Oh. Merlin.

- Oh, hey, Dorcas, I wondered if we should get together tonight to practice our presentation? Peter asked me as I was joining the group to dinner.

- Yeah, totally, since it's next Monday, and I have Quidditch tomorrow. We could prepare the presentation tonight, then practice it many times Sunday? I suggested, knowing that my Friday night would be boring, but, eh, it was for a good cause.

- Good plan, he said.

My picture of the blossoming Devil's snare (Yeah, I dropped the familiar name after it tried to kill me, call me spiteful if you want) was a complete success. I mean, it was incredibly beautiful, I've enlarged it and framed it, and I was planning to give it to Professor Sprout (I know, I'm a total sucker for extra points, I'm completely assumed about this). Now that the twenty-page essay was done, the only part remaining was to present it in front of class with Peter. I was serving myself a bowl of soup when Sirius arrived and sat in front of me.

- Where were you, mate? You nearly missed dinner, Peter, who was seating next to me, said to him.

- It's fine, I'm not that hungry, I ate plenty, earlier, he said, looking at me with a smirk.

That made me quite self-conscious that he still had my panties and that I was wearing none. I felt myself blush. I turned to look to someone else, trying to calm the blushing, then saw James looking at Sirius, then at me. He nodded and smirked to himself, clearly getting Sirius' dubious innuendo. Those bastards were definitely too close... I kicked Sirius' tibia under the table.

- Ow! What was that for? He asked me, feigning indignation, but unable to completely stop the cocky grin.

- For being an ass, I explained.

- What have you done? Peter asked him.

- Good question, Dorcas, what have I done? Sirius grin went wider.

- Arf... You're so annoying, I groaned.

- Luckily, he has other qualities, right, Meadowes? James mocked me.

- Will someone explain to me what's going on? Peter complained.

- You wouldn't understand, Wormtail, James said, ruffling his hair.

- Okay, you win, I'm out, I said, exceeded.

I got up and left the Great Hall. I didn't get very far before I felt a hand pulling me back unto my boyfriend's arms, before he pushed me on the wall to kiss me.

I guess we could say that we were back on track...