Whoa... after all this time, you guys are still here? Thank you!

Enjoy!

M.

Chapter 100

Thursday, February 21, 2013

All those years back, when she'd first started the recordings, Sam had wondered if it would be bad for him to see how much he'd missed. Then she thought he could decide that himself when the time came, (if the time came). That it was better to have them than regret it later, for not having done it.

Time, though, seemed to grow with every passing day. Unapologetically passing by, making her grow old without him. Making Parker grow without him. So, she'd kept the recordings of every special moment of their daughter's life. She'd let out a heartfelt 'I love you' before she ended every single one of those moments because she missed him every day and wanted him with them. The ultimate truth was, she was making those because she loved him.

Even if it was painful, they'd celebrated Father's Day in their own way. A special breakfast with his favorite chocolate cake. After that, it was Parker's time to talk to him. Sam had taught Parker, early on in her life, how to press play and stop so she could talk to him alone. So, Parker could confess her own feelings to her unknown father, without Sam having to bear with them.

She could pretend to be strong, but she just knew she wasn't strong enough to hear her daughter pleading for a love that she couldn't ever give her. She couldn't bring herself to listen to how deep the void created by his absence was. One that she couldn't do anything to fill up, even if she'd tried. That was also the first grain of sand in the avalanche of her self-hatred.

If there was such a thing as levels of hurt, Sam had walked through them all. Passed them with flying colors during the almost twelve years she was away. She had cried her heart out for him. She had missed him. She had loved herself thinking of him. She had walked the line, and the sidelines too, to return to him. Yet, nothing prepared her for the image of the man that had just opened the door.

His hair was a mess, sticking out in odd angles. A bit greasy due to all the times he had passed his hand through it. His shoulders were slumped, a silent witness to the weight he carried on his shoulders now. It was the eyes… It had always been the eyes…. That had stricken her the most.

Soulful brown eyes covered in so much pain. Watery from all the unshed tears that were still swimming there. Trying to be freed and failing.

She gulped. Noticing the faint trail of tears that had gotten lost in his stubble, having marred his face weirdly in the places where he'd wiped them clean. She'd seen him cry before. When they were tangled and desperate to gain something out of the feeble time that was scurrying away from them. She had seen him cry for her before... Yet she wasn't sure she was the guilty party of these tears. For once, she wasn't sure she was the only one to blame.

"Merry Christmas, daddy!" Came out happily from his TV set. A short video Parker had added by herself, it seemed, because Sam was sure she'd had nothing to do with it. That had happened in a second. She wasn't even sure he'd heard those words as he looked at her in something akin to shock.

"Oh, God!" she left out and embraced him tightly.

His hands tangled on her waist, bringing her close. Feeling just like home. They didn't say a word. What else could he say that he wasn't already showing? She pushed their tangled bodies inside, closing the door behind them with her heel. Not letting him go.

The thing was, she'd been that broken before. The only thing she'd wanted back then was one of his powerful embraces, just like this one. She hoped it was enough.

She knew it wouldn't be.

He wasn't quite sure if he kissed her first or if she did. He couldn't care. They were both so damn broken, and he needed her. He needed her to help repair what he wasn't sure could be repaired. He had tried and failed before, and so had she.

She kissed him, or he kissed her at a languid pace. One that reminded them of the few times they had taken it slow. To try to win something in their battle against precious time. Tears mingled with their lips. Saltiness reminding them how fucked up everything was. He took a step back, pressing her against the wall. She chuckled richly against his lips.

"Always the wall," she mumbled but kept kissing him. Helping him to rid himself of his clothes as he got rid of hers.

It dawned on them both, the reason walls and doors keep appearing in their lovemaking. Jack understood he was trying to keep her trapped between himself and something tangible. Something that wouldn't allow her to scurry away from him before he had her surrounding by him. Sharing the haven of her being pressed against him.

Sam understood she wanted him there. Needed him there. Pressing her against something that wouldn't allow an exit. Something that would keep her strong and firm. Grounded against him. Safely tucked in his arms as he brought her to new heights. Reminding her that she was his.

The wall, the doors… It only meant they needed each other more deeply than they had understood before.

She cried his name. He cried hers. Even before they joined. Even before they moved in synch in the rhythm of their own. Names were repeated as mantras confirming the other was there. Tight there where they were needed the most. Healing as they understood they needed each other to survive. They needed each other to heal.

They came together as Sam linked one leg up against his hip and brought him in deeper. He pushed hard against her. Pressing her as flat against him as her curvy body would allow. They didn't separate. They didn't talk… They kept kissing each other, searching for strength. For the immutable truth, that they loved each other beyond words. That no matter how fucked up everything seemed to be around them, they were still magnets pulling each other close. That no matter how words were lacking, they'd always been better at showing.

She lowered her leg. They cut the intimate link they were sharing. Still, he kept her pressed against the wall and she allowed him. He always was her rock. Just as he had always been hers. No matter that they needed something so stupid as a wall to act as a subconscious reminder of what they were really seeking.

Sam trembled. The cold sweeping in from her back, mixed up with the warmth coming from his body, sending shivers down her spine and raising all sorts of goosebumps on her skin. Wordlessly, he grabbed her hand and pulled her away. Their dog tags untangling as they separated. He walked her to the couch that he had been sitting on earlier.

He sat. Flinching for a second as his naked butt connected with the now coldish couch. Then he pulled her over him. She crawled on top of him, almost as if she wanted to be swallowed by his warmth. Her face found a hiding spot on the crook of his neck, and his nose and mouth played with her hair.

They were still crying, silently weeping. Mourning all that had been lost. Burning bridges and creating new ones. In the backroom, the TV went blue, casting a weird shade over both. Then it turned itself off and blackness engulfed them.

"Did they help? Or did they break you beyond repair?" She whispered. After a while, when their tears had run dry and their breathing had finally slowed down. Once their hearts were beating in synch. In the silence, she thought her question sounded loud and brusque. Quite harsh for her to ask such a blunt question after being so unable to ask anything or share anything with him before. He hid his face in her neck, his breath tickling her, his stubble leaving red traces on her sensitive skin.

"A little of both, I think," Jack confessed with a raspy voice. A reminder of how many feelings were there in between them. "I've seen her, Sam. I've seen what you've done to raise her. Now, talk to me. What have you done to come back to me?" Sam gulped.

It was her turn to hide her face, to search for some comfort. Yet, she took a deep breath and raised her eyes and found nothing but darkness. She chuckled.

"Darkness is always a good ally when you're to confess your sins," she said. Finding somewhat astounding that they were not only physically naked but willing to shed whatever veils remained between them. She took a deep breath wondering if she was finally ready to bare her soul to him and face whatever consequences it could bring upon her.

"You know mine, and you're still here." He said, interrupting her train of thoughts. Then he shook his head. "That's not entirely true. You knew mine… Maybe it'll be easier if I come clean first?" She nodded, prompting him to go on. "I searched for you, Sam. Even when you asked us not to. I searched for you and couldn't find you any fucking where. I kept watching those videos you sent me, but I kept forgetting you." He whispered. Taking a deep breath, he braved a look at her face. He caressed her face slowly, his thumbs finding closed lids. "I couldn't remember the shade of your hair or the exact color of your eyes by myself. I had to rely on SG-1 mission footage and those you'd sent to me, to remember you. How fucked up is it, that I couldn't remember the only woman I've ever truly loved more than life itself?"

She gasped for air and doubted about her next words. She had to let them out, though. "You know, the escort you brought home? She said… I should hurry up and return because I was breaking you."

"The escort?" He asked, surprised. "You knew? Oh, God... Sam… Nothing happened I was too drunk to…" A soft finger was placed over his lips, stopping him from continuing his unneeded apology.

"I know. She mentioned that, too." She gave him a self-deprecating smile. "You know, I would've understood if you did. It was years since you'd last been with someone. I understood that, when I found you leaving with her," she shook her head. "It fucking hurt, but I understood, Jack." It was her turn to caress his face, to learn him in the dark. "Trust me, I wasn't… I didn't know why I visited her. She told me that. I'm sorry."

"You… Did you have something to do with her disappearance?"

"Yes, but not because of what it could've happened between the two of you. But because I couldn't leave her around here. If someone found out…" She shook her head. "It was too risky. I'm sorry, Jack. She seemed like a nice woman. I would've understood if you wanted her."

"We certainly are something, aren't we?"

"We are." She smiled. "I made some videos too… I've been fighting with myself to bring them over and let you know my side of the story… I guess I wasn't as strong as Parker. You know, to put me out on the line like that again."

"Yet, here you are." He said. Then frowned. "What were you doing here to being with?" She blushed.

"I came to talk to you about visiting Parker. She's been on the edge since you took her box. She's worried about you not loving her. I can excuse you with work, but that can only work for so long, Jack." She whispered, resting her forehead against his.

"You want me to visit her?"

"What's so surprising about that?" She wondered. "I told you my reasons that day."

"And you? Do you want me to visit you?" He asked.

"No." She said, lowering her head, unable to meet his gaze. Ashamed of needing him so much. "I want you there for me, with me, all the time." He placed a finger under her chin and raised it to watch her. "I don't want your visits, Jack. I want you. I want us. It's all I've ever wanted." She gave him another half-smile. He could see how much it had cost her to let the truth out. It was risky in her mind to let it out, and he understood that.

"If that's truly what you want, Sam…" He smiled. She linked their hands and rested his hand over her lower belly.

"I want this one to know you from the start. I want this one to experience what Parker couldn't."

"This one?" He asked, frowning. Remembering then, the pills he had seen her taking. He had forgotten all about them, with his wallowing about what to do about Parker's videos.

"Yeah…" She shrugged. "I guess… We have to thank Shannon for it," she chuckled. "Well, and both of us getting so damn angry about Parker. Me, for the way you were ignoring your daughter at all costs, and you, well… Now I know it was because you thought she wasn't yours."

"We're going to have a kid…" He whispered in awe.

"We are going to have another kid," she amended. He frowned then. His watch had just ticked on the start of the new day. "Where's Parker?"

"It's Janet's free day today. So, I asked her if she could take care of Parker because I needed to set some things straight with you. She said she can use the bigger needles with you next time. If you don't get your head off your ass. "

"My head?" he asked, and she chuckled.

"I told her my head had been in my ass for far too long, too. We should've talked ages ago."

"I understand, Sam. You weren't ready to talk, and for sure, I wasn't ready to listen."

"Are you know?"

"Are you willing to tell me what happened? Are you really ready to let me in?" He asked caressing her leg.

"Hmm, keep doing that and I might…" she whispered. "Seriously, Jack… We need to stop avoiding each other. We can't keep doing that if we want this to work."

"I know."

"You'll need to push me for answers. You'll need to ask those questions that I'm sure I don't want to answer. I'm not sure I'll be strong enough to tell you if you don't. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go fully of the need to protect myself, to keep lying to everyone, myself included. Because I've lived so long like that. Pretending to be so many different women and learning to be them all."

"Well, Mrs. O'Neill. I can tell you I'm terrified of asking those questions. I've been terrified of learning that you've moved on…" He sighed. She looked up and caressed his cheek. "But if that's what you need if you need me to pull the truth out of you, that's what I'll do."

"Mrs. O'Neill?" She whispered. Her eyes twinkling with happiness for the first time in days. If not months or years.

"If you'll have me, that's it." He offered, albeit hiding his face in the crook of her neck. Not sure if he could take a no for an answer. She pulled his face from its spot and kissed him.

"Always." She grinned.

"Tell me, Sam… Tell me everything…" He whispered looking at her.

"I don't really know where to start," she mumbled, fidgeting.

"The beginning? What happened after I left you at that safe house? How did you become Emma Irvine?" She sighed; her shoulders slumped. She moved away from him. Embracing her legs and placing her head on top of them.

"She was my first one. The cover-up for Samantha Carter. Sarah Morris, the woman who that day introduced herself to us as Kira, was my first handler. She taught me how to become Emma Irvine. She taught me how to bury Samantha Carter so deep that she," Sam shook her head. "That I wouldn't come out. She taught me how to lie so perfectly that I could even fool myself." She took a deep breath. "It was really just luck that she was clean. Emma Irvine's handler wasn't. After becoming Emma, I was sent to Logan Wales or Rob Johnson… A Trust operative. It was just pure luck, that he didn't know who I really was until they killed me."

"What happened to Emma Irvine?"

"She became Isadora Willis… and I discovered I was pregnant." She grimaced. Searching his eyes for the bout of betrayal and pain she expected to find. Along with that, she found understanding.

"You said you never told me because it was risky. What did you do to protect her? How did they not know she was mine? How did you keep her hidden?" He wondered. Sam gulped.

"I checked the place I was given. There weren't cameras in my room. So, when I had a chance, I got someone drunk, and he passed out in my bed. Logan… Rob… He assumed it was his, an accident, a one-night stand." She grimaced.

"Smart woman. If you had a way to keep Parker safe. Why did you change names again?"

"Someone found out who I was, and no matter how well Isadora was settling in, I had to request a new life." She gave him a sad smile. "I had no choice."