AN: Happy New Year all. My prayers and well wishes to all affected by this pandemic.

Chapter 42

Jane wasn't there when she woke again but Mordin was. Samara had never had a lot of contact with the salarian while he was on the Normandy. He was mostly secluded up in his lab where she favoured the lower crew deck and engineering, where the ship had felt the most alive. She had enjoyed being on the Normandy, the company of others and even the ignorance that the mostly human crew had towards her station as a justicar. It had allowed them to act with her freely and without reserve. She had observed them as they faced the fear of being on a suicide mission and she had experienced their triumph when they came back through the Omega-4-Relay, victorious.

And, she had engaged in their trauma, had on one occasion held Kelly Chambers as she cried in her arms mere days after their rescue from the collector's base. She had felt deeply connected to them and had loved them all as an entity that had given her comfort and support through the hardest act she had ever had to commit.

Even Mordin had been a part of that. She had always gotten the impression that he saw the Normandy as an organism which needed to be cared for, whose health needed to be assessed. He was the first to observe the young engineer's pregnancy and had been the one the person who had brought scale itch onto the Normandy had confided in. He was quite an enigma.

But he was kind to her when she woke, explaining to her that Jane had only left momentarily upon his encouragement. He told her that she was in his clinic and explained the circumstances under which she came here. And, he was surprisingly passionate as he explained to her the severity of her injuries, but the high probability of her full recovery. He was in the process of raising the bed so that she could sit up a little when Jane returned, her silhouette darkening the doorway as she observed them silently.

Samara could not remember the last few moments on the asteroid. The only coherent memory that she had was the realisation that Jane had been willing to die with her. That the woman's love for her was stronger than the duty she must have felt to saving the galaxy from the reapers.

Dying had not scared her in that moment but being responsible for Jane's death…

No, not another.

She had not wanted to be responsible for the death of another whom she loved.

Mordin didn't say anything when he left her, but paused at Jane's sideand murmured a few words to her. Jane nodded, but didn't take her gaze away from Samara. When the salarian left, she limped into the room and carefully sat down on the other chair. Samara saw her wince and remembered vaguely the pain she had felt in the woman when they melded. Taking Samara's hand, Jane leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, her touch warm and her kiss filled with love. The urge to meld with the human woman came and went because words were simply not enough to explain what she wanted to say in that moment. But she could not afford to do so again and she had also realised that for humans, words were all they had. And, Samara could sense that Jane wanted to speak to her.

Yet, despite the need she felt, the commander didn't speak for immediately but held onto her hand seemed to simply savour the moment. Samara wondered if she should initiate the verbal contact and squeezed Jane's fingers.

"How are your injuries, my love?" The two words came so easily, two words Samara had never thought that she would have the privilege to speak again.

Jane, who had been staring at their entwined fingers, looked up and smiled at her.

"I am recovering," she said. "Thanks to Miranda, I will make a full recovery and, I was told by Mordin, so will you."

Samara nodded slightly, though the action did make her aware of the pain in her skull.

"He assured me of that as well," Samara spoke. "And though he did not say it in so many words, I believe that he feels I am quite lucky to be alive."

Again Jane smiled, but the pain in her eyes was very real as the shadow of what they had faced together on the asteroid crossed her memories.

"I am grateful for that as well," she said. "And very lucky. Thank you."

Her words were a little surprising.

"Whatever for?" Samara whispered, tightening her grip on Jane's hand. She loved the woman even more when Jane blushed.

"For living," she said. "For not leaving me…"

Guilt came and went. Again, Samara thought. For not leaving youagain.

Jane continued, oblivious to her thoughts. "There was a moment, Samara… And I could feel it where I thought that you were going to die. But you came back… I… I would not be here if not for you." Samara wondered how many people in this world was privileged to the vulnerability that she could see in Jane's eyes in that moment. She took a steadying breath and carefully reached out with her other hand so that she could enfold Jane's hand in both of hers.

"I will never leave you again," she whispered. "Please, please forgive me Jane."

Words came to her. A memory of Jane lying on their hospital bed, barely conscious but angry, so angry.

"I'll accept that apology when I'm convinced you know why you should be saying those words."

She hoped that Jane understood what she was apologising for now.

There was a moment between them that hung in space as Jane weighed her fate, the memories of fragments of time they had spent together. Yet, when Jane made eye contact with her, Samara felt all of that vanish as simply she existed before her.

"You are forgiven," the woman whispered. "I never had call to be angry with you in the first place."

More memories stirred, this one feeling as if she was looking at it through a mind of broken glass.

"I'm sorry," Jane whispered as a kiss burned on her forehead. "I am so sorry… I forgive you."

Samara blinked the memories away, not even sure if they were real.

"I left you, Jane," she said, feeling tired suddenly. "I left you when you needed me. There is… nothing I can say to that. I simply used my duty as an excuse but… but perhaps I was simply scared. I won't do so again. Fear will never make me leave your side again. Or duty."

She didn't like the way Jane sighed suddenly and shook her head. "I won't accept that promise, Samara," she spoke. "Because it is not one I can make myself." She looked away but there was… something in her eyes. Something in the way she suddenly refused to look at her. It made Samara's heart tighten a little as she squeezed Jane's hand, trying to urge her to look at her again.

"You are leaving." Samara couldn't make it a question and her heart ached when Jane turned back to her and nodded. Her features were tight now, her pain barely hidden.

"Why?"

Jane bit her lip and pulled against her grip but Samara would not let her go, fearing the loss of her touch.

"Jane you can talk to me. Please."

Still looking pained, Jane closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

"The Alliance is here, demanding answers. I went in under the command of one of theirs, but… without their authority. Now, a star systemis being destroyed by the reapers and people want answers. And if they don't get answers, they will probably want blood."

Samara blinked slowly. "I will speak for you," she said. "For us…"

Jane shook her head sharply. "I don't want you to," she said. "I don't want you to be involved in this, Samara, too many are already or want to be." She sniffed and frowned for a moment, staring off into the distance. "Your authority might hold weight with the asari, but not in the rest of the galaxy, not before the Council and certainly not before the Alliance. I must try and manage this. And, I will be honest, if I don't do this now my mother might do so before me."

Now Samara was a little lost.

"Your mother?" She asked, feeling stupid. "What… does she have to do with this?" She had never even considered that Jane might have some family of her own. They had somehow never discussed this. Thinking back, she couldn't imagine that she had ever heard the commander mention any kin.

Jane glanced at her and grimaced. "Captain Hannah Shepard," she said, not making eye contact. "She commandeered the Normandy to come to rescue us. I owe her… your life. She had come to see me, but… of course I was in Ba'hak."

Samara tried to imagine what kind of woman would have a daughter like her beloved.

"She must be formidable," she murmured. "To go against your crew. I would… be honoured to meet her."

Looking embarrassed suddenly, Jane rubbed at her neck with her free hand.

"I…don't think that's a good idea, Samara," she said. "She has enough on her mind. And her… perception of aliens are unique. She is of the older generation humans and had fought in the First Contact War. And the Skyllian Blitz." Samara had studied quite a lot of human history in her time on the Normandy had had at first thought that the humans were a race that very quickly turned to weapons to resolve their problems and defended their own perceived rights and lands with blood.

"I don't remember reading of her," she murmured, a little embarrassed when she realised that she had spoken out loud. "But still, I would be honoured to meet her. I am sorry for interrupting you in such a manner Jane, I had just not imagined that you had family." She felt a little silly saying it but felt better when Jane smiled, her embarrassment clear.

"I… I have not done right by my mother, Samara," she confessed. "I had purposefully tried to keep her out of this new life of mine because I had thought that… it too would be fleeting. I did not want to put her through the loss of a daughter, twice. Our mission through the Omega-4-Relay should have been a suicide mission. You know this."

Samara nodded slowly, but could not help but think of what the older Shepard must have felt. The need to meet her grew stronger.

"I also know that a mother would do anything to save her daughter if she could," she spoke softly. "And this is what she wants to do? What you are alluding to?"

Jane nodded, squeezing her hand again as she composed herself a little.

"She wanted to take responsibility for destroying the relay," she said. "Still wants to, I believe though the time for that has come and gone. I believe that there are some of the crew who feels that she should, but I can't let her do that. And she didn't see what I saw."

"We," Samara corrected her quietly. "What we saw, you didn't do this alone, Jane."

The emotions on the commander's face were a too fleeting to read but Samara could tell that there were many of them.

"I know," Jane said. "And, I will never forget that, Samara. I will never forget that you stood with me when…" Her breath caught a little. "When I thought all hope was lost. The reason the reapers are not here right now has nothing to do with what we did, but it has everything to do with the fact that you saved me. And, if we live to tell the tale of our lives, then that is the story which I want to have told. That is what I want people to know. Not that you were… part of the horror."

Samara gave her a curious look and wondered where Jane's mind was at. "We did what we had to do, Jane," she said. "It was necessary. It wasn't duty, it wasn't good or evil. It was simply necessary."

"Yes," Jane breathed as her expression became defensive. "Just as it is necessary for me to lay claim to this on my own." She paused, waiting for Samara to object but the justicar chose to remain silent, hoping that it will encourage Jane to explain herself. The human watched her, cautious then seemed to relax.

"My mother doesn't believe in the reapers," she said. "She says she does, but… I can tell she is struggling. Nobody really believes it until they see… what we saw." Samara thought of the derelict reaper, of the mad ramblings they found on the recordings there.

Even a dead god can dream.

"So, she is like any soldier, she is willing to fight, only the war for her now is not the one I see but the war to keep me safe," Jane continued. "She'll take the fall not because she believes that what happened in Ba'hak needed to be done, rather she'll take the fall because she wants to save me."

"Can you blame her?" Samara interjected, unable to help herself as she watched Jane close her eyes and shook her head.

"No," she said. "I was dead to her. What would you do, Samara if…" She trailed off and blushed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't bring that up."

With her heart aching, Samara smiled gently and increased her pressure on Jane's hand.

"What would I do if I had the chance to see my daughter alive again?" She finished the sentence for Jane. "I would believe her to be a ghost." She thought of her time as a prisoner on the asteroid. "But, if I found out that she was indeed real, corporal and… and herself. The child I loved… I would burn the galaxyto protect her."

Jane's eyes were filled for sorrow as she shared in her pain.

"And that's what my mum wants to do," she said, her voice heavy. "And when people talk to her, they will see that. She… The reason you don't read a lot of her Samara is because she has done it before. On Elysium. She reacted aggressively in the field because my squad and I were pinned down by batarian terrorists and would have been killed. She broke orders, send in her squad to kill… all of them. She pulled me back from death's door out there, not caring that her actions would escalate a very tense situation to war. And, we all know it wasn't just that. But, when I began to rose to fame… I know that they tried to scrap all mention of her actions, so as not to tar my reputation within the Alliance military." Jane sighed. "She is ruthless when it comes to these things and that isn't what people need to see."

"Then I should be beside you," Samara spoke quietly. "So that all species would understand…"

"They won't," Jane said. "They will see a human woman who destroyed a batarian galaxy. They won't see the reapers, they won't see the threat that was there. They will see me. But, I can make them listen, I can make them understand in this. I told the others Samara that we… The Normandy has nothing left to do out here but wait for their arrival because the next battle we face has to do with the politics of making those in charge see what is out there. I thought at first that I would be able to do it out here but… I can't. So, it's time to change strategy."

Samara didn't disagree with her, however…

"But I can still be with you."

Jane shook her head. "No. In as human court, your rank and station would mean nothing. All of my alien crew are going to their people to champion my cause. Using this as proof."

Grimacing, Samara tried to think of her own people.

"And you want me to do the same?" She asked, thinking of her inability to convince the justicars of this very problem mere days ago. The memory felt very distant and she forgot it almost immediately when Jane shook her head.

"No, Samara," she said. "I simply want you to live and to be safe. I want you to heal. I don't know what will happen to me when they take me to earth, I might be incarcerated, I might be pardoned, I might be promoted." She shrugged, looking away as some of the fight left her. "Regardless, I won't be with you, not initially. So, I would hate for you to be in a place where I cannot reach you."

Hurting for her love, Samara tried to make eyecontact with Jane. "And what of me?" She asked. "Do you think that I can just accept this? Do you think I will simply accept it if they incarcerate you?" She felt a burst of worry. "Your kind has executed people for less."

Smiling at this comment, Jane shook her head. "We've stopped that practice," she said. "No, if I am incarcerated I'll simply be put in a cell somewhere. But I don't think it will come to that, Samara. They have to listen to me."

Though she could not claim to understand human nature, Samara had a feeling that it wasn't going to be that simple. She thought about their circumstances for a moment, sparing a thought and a silent prayer to the crew of the Normandy. She wanted to know what will happen to all of them, but she also began to sense that Jane was running out of time.

"I presume that trying to convince you not to do this will be an insult to your honour," she pointed out. "And, I feel you must know that I... feel that there has to be another way." Her gaze softened when she saw the anxiety of expecting an argument well up in Jane. "But I will honour your wishes. For now." She shifted, aware of the carcass her body was in that moment. Aware of the pain and severity of her injuries and Mordin's explanation of how long she might take to recover. "I don't think time will allow me to join you this time. But I won't stay away from your side. Not again."

Moisture welled in Jane's eyes and, when Samara felt her lift her hand to her lips, she didn't resist but made sure to make eye contact with her when she said the next.

"I love you more than anyone I have ever met, Jane Shepard. You are a part of me."

Sniffing as her tears threatened to turn to sobs, Jane kissed Samara's hand and then leaned forward brought their lips together. Again the urge to meld came and went but Samara controlled herself because she didn't want to miss one moment.

"I don't know if what I am doing is right, Samara," Jane breathed close to her ear when their lips finally parted. "But as before, I have to do something. I can't... I can't just let this go. I wish I could. I wish I could stay with you forever. But I can't."

Her own tears now flowed freely down her cheeks as Samara turned her head and kissed Jane again.

"I know," she said. "I understand. This is why I love you."

Sobbing softly for a few seconds, Jane closed her eyes and gently leaned her forehead against Samara. They said nothing more to each other, because now, words were not enough anymore. Samara was aware of the world moving around them. Of a nurse or orderly coming to the door and leaving again, hustle away by a harsh and familiar voice.

Jack.

Her monitors beeped at some point and then she felt a rush of drowsiness spread over her as the medication numbed her pain and threatened to rob her of consciousness.

"Jane," she warned her. "I might... I might fall asleep." Her heart ached suddenly, her emotions feeling a little bit rawer. "I don't know how to say good bye to you."

"You don't have to say it," Jane whispered, the grip that she still had on her hand becoming nearly painful. "And I don't know how to leave." She sighed and glanced behind her where Jack was now standing in the doorway, blocking all entry. "But I suspect I have to soon."

Aching, but feeling herself beginning to lose her grip on consciousness, Samara had to close her eyes.

"I will find you, Jane," she promised. "I swear this to you."

She felt lips brush her forehead and it was the last time she would feel Jane for a very long time, her words the last she would hear.

"And I you."

The End of Chapter 42.