Chapter 13

"I wish I were a little girl again, because skinned knees are easier to fix than a broken heart."

Julia Roberts


As soon as our lips meet, a frenzy begins. The rest of the world slips away and any notion of time, past, present or future, ceases to exist. Our hands become almost violent as they move, gripping, clinging, stroking… Anything that may alleviate that carnal need that has exploded inside of us both. The passion between Paul and I has always been intense, but this… this is different… more unhinged… Rational thought is completely thrown out the window. Even affection is set aside, replaced by an animalistic need to connect… to join together and become one.

My back lands hard against the soft mattress, bouncing ever so slightly, before he hovers above me. Pushing the pile of my things to the floor with a loud clatter, he immediately begins working on my jeans, pulling both it and my panties off me in one quick swipe. Fingers trembling, I try to undo the buttons on his. However, before I've had the chance to complete my task, something feral flashes in Paul's dark eyes and in the next second my hands are locked above my head by an iron grip.

"Don't move."

Paul's rough command reveals a dark and dominant side of him that I've never seen before. I'm not given any time to really respond, because in the next second my legs are pushed open and his hot tongue is swirling over my clit.

"Fuck," I moan, throwing my head back, I force my hands to stay in place as I surrender to him completely.

The intense and almost painful pleasure that he is coaxing... no, commanding from my body, is unlike anything I've ever experienced. In no time whatsoever, I'm propelled over the edge as an almost violent orgasm washes over me. I almost don't notice Paul as he moves up my body, clothes shed without me ever noticing. When the heat of his cock suddenly nudges against my entrance, my eyes immediately fly open to meet his intense gaze. His hands move, fingers interlacing with mine as he slowly tilts his hips and slides effortlessly inside me. My breath hitches as I feel him move against me, my eyes locked on his, unable to look away. The urgency from earlier has been replaced by something far more profound.

Paul's lips fall onto mine, our mouths opening instinctively so that our tongues may join together in a sensual dance. His thrusts are achingly slow, but completely overwhelming and all-consuming at the same time. It's as though I've lost all rhyme or reason, my body no longer my own. Paul releases my lips, pulling back ever so slightly so that he can hold my gaze as he moves against me. The expression on his face makes my heartbeats stutter, before sending it into a full blown gallop.

The reality of what we're doing hits me like a ton of bricks.

He loves me.

There's no denying it and right now, with him hovering above me, holding me down as he completely owns my body, there is absolutely no way to avoid it either. Icy fear mixes with a thrill of joy unlike anything I've ever felt before. The conflicting emotions begin tearing me apart inside. Do I accept his love, or do I run like hell? As though he can sense the change in me, his thrusts increase in both speed and strength. His hard length brushing along a spot inside of me that instantly sets my body on fire.

"Ah!" I shout, bending my back ever so slightly as I feel the pressure inside of me build exponentially.

Paul loses some of his control as well, his muscles tensing as his thrusts grow faster and faster. His moans merge with mine as we both race to find our completion. The powerful wave hits me first, dragging me under as ripples of ecstasy run through my entire body filling me with an intense heat. Paul's final groan is so deep that I can feel it all the way down to my toes, but it is the warmth of his release that makes my heart stop.

Catching my breath, I try to calm the panic that is rapidly rising inside of me. Perhaps, I imagined it. But as Paul's body pulls away as he collapses next to me, I feel the unmistakable evidence of what has happened.

"You didn't wear a condom," my voice is still breathless from exertion.

"Hmmm?"

Paul is clearly still recovering, his newly sated body curling against my side. Praying that I'm wrong, I grab a discarded shirt and press it against me, when I pull it back I feel as though I've just been punched in the stomach.

"You didn't wear a condom," I repeat, my voice stronger this time.

Next to me I feel Paul move into a seated position, following my line of sight.

"Shit, Leah, I'm sorry. I didn't even think."

An old and painfully familiar feeling of dread flows through my gut.

"We'll be okay, though. You're on the pill, right? I've seen you take it every morning," he asks, but I'm too far gone to even consider his words.

Body frozen, my mind is taken back in time as though it's been stuck there ever since it happened.

"He didn't wear a condom either," my voice reveals how numb I feel.

Paul takes the dirtied t-shirt from me and quickly discards it, taking both of my cold hands in his.

"Baby, what are you talking about?"

"Sam."

I can sense Paul's shock, but I'm too far gone to even care.

"I snuck out to this party one night… I'd never done that before, but it was my senior year, so I figured what the hell," I take a breath.

"Sam was there, and for the first time in, I don't know how many years of pining after him from afar, he noticed me."

The vivid memory of him confidently leaning against the wall with a beer in his hand as his brown eyes finally really see me. How he'd made me laugh and feel special… wanted. The way we'd danced together for all to see, before he took my hand in his and led me upstairs.

"I hadn't even had a sip to drink that night, but still I lost all rational thought the moment he kissed me."

Paul's hands tighten around mine as though he's trying to tell me that he's here for me, but I can't look at him.

"I thought I loved him, so when he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs, I accepted. I knew what happened behind closed doors at parties like the one we were at, and I knew what saying yes would mean."

Dropping my gaze, I keep my eyes locked on where his strong hands gently cradle mine.

"Things kind of got out of hand once the door closed. He didn't rape me."

I shoot a glance in Paul's direction, but quickly avert my gaze.

"It was just over really fast and seeing as I was a virgin, it was quite uncomfortable," I mumble, surprised when I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment even after all this time.

"I'd asked him to wear a condom and he said he'd take care of it. So, when everything was over I didn't even think to worry about-," my voice breaks.

"The next day at school, he acted as though nothing had ever happened and about a week later I found out that he was back together with his on and off girlfriend Emily. I was heartbroken."

A small tear runs down my cheek as I remember the excruciating pain I felt when I saw the two of them making out in the hallway. The whispers and gossip that followed me everywhere I went... It was as though the entire school had been informed about what had happened between Sam and I at the party and they were all watching my every reaction like I was on some horrible soap opera. When Emily actually cornered me in the lunchroom stating for all to hear that I was an adulterous bitch and that I'd seduced Sam, I had enough. I ran, skipping school for the first time in my life. Later, when the principal called my parents to inform them of the fact, they'd given me hell. My Dad had been drunk off his ass and completely unwilling to hear why I'd run off in the first place. The next day I was forced to go back and things just got worse and worse from then on out. Emily's bullying began to escalate as she stole every friend I had and Sam returned to treating me as if I didn't exist.

"When my period was late, I didn't even notice at first. I wasn't used to tracking it and when I started feeling sick, the mere idea of me being pregnant didn't even cross my mind."

Paul's deep exhale distracts me, but when our eyes meet, he gently urges me to continue.

"My Mom insisted that I go to the doctor and even though I was almost 18, I didn't even think to go alone."

I release a sharp breath as I remember my mother's expression when the doctor gave us the news.

"I don't know which of us was more shocked by the news."

Paul surprises me by lifting one of my hands to his lips, kissing it softly as though he's trying to take away some of the pain.

"Things got really bad after that," I pause, my body visibly trembling as the memories flash through my mind, but I force myself to continue.

"My dad… My dad was livid. I'd never seen him so angry, but the worst part-," my voice breaks as my throat fills with tears.

"The worst part was after the Uleys showed up to talk about my "condition", they insisted that their perfect son had absolutely nothing to do with it and that I'd made everything up because I was infatuated with him. They basically called me a lying, conniving, slut and he believed them."

"Leah," Paul whispers brokenly, pulling me into his arms to bring me comfort, but I'm too far gone.

"After they left, he informed me that I was going to have an abortion. That if I didn't, I wouldn't be welcome in his home any longer. I hadn't even had time to think and my mom… she just stood there… accepting his decision without a word," I take a shaky breath, pushing away the deep sobs of bottomless pain swelling up inside of me.

"I've never felt so helpless and alone in my entire life. And then when I woke up to this horrible stomach ache and pulled back the sheets-."

As though I'm pulled back to that exact moment, I physically feel the same shock and fear I felt that night.

"There was so much blood, I thought I was going to die."

I feel Paul's lips brush against the top of my head as his arms tighten around me, holding me close as I relive one of the worst moments of my life.

"They rushed me to the hospital, but there was no stopping the miscarriage."

Paul gently rubs his hand up and down my back.

"I never even had the chance to make my decision if I was going to keep it or not," I whisper, a revelation I've never uttered out loud before.

"When I got home, my dad wouldn't even look at me and my mom… she just told me it had been God's will and that I'd get over it. That was when I realized that I couldn't stay… that I had to go and build my own life somewhere. So when my parents were away, I packed my bags, asked Jake to come and get me and left, without ever looking back."

Pushing away from the safety of Paul's arms, I make sure to hold his gaze as I inwardly dip into that mountain of shame and never-ending guilt that have been my constant companions for so very long. Inhaling deeply, I feel my thoughts click into place as I realize just how spot on Jake was earlier. I need to deal with my issues before they consume me completely and hurt everyone I hold dear.

"I'm broken, Paul."

Deep compassion shines back at me through his dark eyes and there is a part of me that wishes so earnestly that I was capable of accepting it.

"There's this war inside of me that's constantly raging and I don't know how to stop it."

A wave of new tears flood into my eyes as I slowly begin to understand exactly what I need to do. Unable to hold back, I cup his cheeks, tracing the lines of his handsome features with my eyes as I try to etch every inch of his beautiful face in my memory. His eyes search mine, unconditional love and affection shining through them as though it's the most natural thing in the world.

I break, unable to hold back a sob as I pull up my protective shield.

"I wish I could love you, Paul. I wish-."

"Sh," he shushes, pursing his lips as he pulls my forehead against his, a single tear rolling down the side of his face as he too struggles with what we both know needs to happen.

"I know," he whispers, his tear filled eyes meeting mine.

His jaw clenches and a grimace spreads, revealing just how difficult the next words are for him to say.

"You're not running this time, because I'm letting you go."

My body shakes as I cry, wishing so desperately that things were different, but knowing in my heart that he's right. I need to heal so that I can love him back the way he deserves and right now I can't do that.

His soft lips brush tenderly against mine, as he bids me farewell, the salt from our tears mixing together as we kiss one last time. Pulling back, his onyx eyes burn into mine for a final moment before he moves away, grabbing a change of clothes as he walks towards the door. Pausing, he turns and faces me.

"I'm in love with you, Leah Clearwater, and when you're ready to be loved, I'll be right here waiting for you to come home."

Then he walks through the door and disappears from sight.