Chapter 14

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed.

It means the damage no longer controls our lives."

Anonymous


Breathing in the fresh fall air, I take a moment to just check in with myself. The therapy session today with Carmen hadn't been as tough as usual, but I still felt quite drained. After four months of therapy, we'd worked through a lot of issues and unnecessary baggage that I'd been carrying around with me most of my life, but there was still so much left. I wish I could say that I'd felt an immediate change right after I started, but that would be a big, fat lie. In reality, things had gotten a lot worse for a really long time, before they slowly began to get better. I was still crawling my way out and every therapy session was a struggle.

During the first month, I almost gave up. I'd just read my mom's letter, which had honestly been an even more difficult read than my dad's, and I was hurting so badly that I couldn't eat, sleep or even function properly. That was when I reached out to Jake. And the very next morning my best friend appeared on my doorstep with a tub of my favorite ice cream and a strong shoulder to lean on. He ended up staying for about a week, never once mentioning Paul's name.

Bella also made sure to keep in touch. We'd mostly text, but sometimes she'd call, making sure I was informed about the status of our Gorgeous Goats Creamery products. I tried to help where I could, working my contacts to gain more publicity and help our sales. Business was booming and Bella appeared to be working around the clock, managing both her café and the GGC. She never complained though.

Feeling more centered, I begin my usual walk home, something I'd started with after my first month. The walk was a little over an hour long, but it always managed to clear my head and make me feel better, so I kept on doing it. I'd found this perfect route, which would take me through an incredibly beautiful community garden, where I'd always stop for a moment and think of Paul. I thought of him all the time, missing him so desperately it hurt, but I knew I wasn't ready yet. However, in the garden I always felt closer to him. I could easily imagine him here next to me which would always bring a smile to my face and fill me with hope.

Picking an apple from one of the many trees, I snack on it as I walk the final stretch home, my mind lingering on my recent daydream featuring Paul as my leading man. I'm still lost in thought as I open the heavy entrance door, and take the stairs for some extra exercise. Stepping into my hallway, I startle when I notice a small, hunched over figure seated directly on my doorstep.

"Bella?!" I exclaim, excited to see my good friend.

Her head instantly rises to meet my gaze, her green-brown eyes bright, revealing a round of freshly shed tears.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, rushing towards her.

Taking her hand, I help her to her feet before tugging her towards me for a tight hug. She sniffles.

"I'm sorry I didn't call to ask if I could come here, but I just-," her voice breaks.

Feeling my heart break for her as she sheds her tears, I quickly open the door to my apartment and lead her inside.

"You're always welcome here, you know that."

I take her coat and bag.

"Thank you," she whispers.

Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I motion for her to take a seat in my worn couch as I boil some water and get a teapot ready.

"I just had to get away for a bit," she reveals with a teary smile and I release a sharp laugh.

"Well, then you've come to the right place."

I get two cups and a small box of unopened Oreo cookies and bring it over to the table, returning quickly to get the teapot before sinking onto the couch next to my friend. Touching her thigh, I try to show my support.

"Edward's ex is in town," she reveals after a beat.

"And she is gorgeous, and perfect and…"

I see a fresh round of tears build behind her closed lids. Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, I hug her to my side.

"I'm going to lose him, Leah."

"Bells," I scold her softly.

"You didn't see him," she shakes her head.

"He still has feelings for her and she definitely has feelings for him."

I pour us both a cup of tea and hand her the cookies.

"What's she doing in Forks?"

"She's a journalist writing an article on modern farming or something. Honestly, I think she's full of shit, but everyone's all starry eyed and completely taken by her."

Bella pops a cookie in her mouth before grimacing ever so slightly. I laugh.

"Sorry, but unlike you, baking is not my forte. Here, store bought cookies go a long way."

I'm able to get a small smile out of her, which I take as a big success.

She goes silent for a moment, drinking her tea as she collects her thoughts.

"He kissed me. Did I tell you that?"

My eyebrows fly to my hairline, revealing the extent of my shock. Her responding laugh is sharp.

"Remember I told you about the business meeting we were supposed to have and where he didn't show?

"Yeah."

She sighs.

"Well, later that night he stumbled into my house drunk off his mind."

She shakes her head.

"He never told me why, but I got the sense that whatever was bothering him was connected to his dad. Anyways, he was in no condition to go home, so I insisted he stay. And let me tell you, in a tiny house there aren't exactly a vast amount of comfortable sleeping options, so we ended up sharing a bed."

Bella rolls her eyes at the look I send her.

"He passed out the minute he laid down and I figured he'd sleep through, but then in the middle of the night-," she sighs. "I don't even know what happened, one second I was sleeping soundly and in the next we were making out like a pair of horny teenagers."

Placing her cup back on the table, she blows her cheeks out in frustration.

"And then out of nowhere he just passes out again."

She shakes her head, sadness and disappointment returning to her features.

"The next morning he woke up hungover and didn't remember anything."

"You're kidding?"

Bella's expression makes it clear that she isn't. She takes a deep breath, her body sagging against the couch.

"I don't know what to do, Leah. I've tried, I really have, but he doesn't see me."

Her voice reveals just how close she is to giving up.

"And now with Tanya showing up."

A rush of air streams from her lips as she exhales.

I really don't like how broken my friend sounds and making a quick and impulsive decision, I grab her hand and force her to her feet. Bella looks deeply confused.

"Okay, that's enough moping. Get your jacket," I order, quickly cleaning up our dishes.

"Where are we going?"

Grabbing my own jacket before I answer, I send her a determined look.

"You are a beautiful, successful and confident woman who needs a little pick me up. So we are going to go treat ourselves to an amazing girls night-," I glance out the window noticing the bright sunlight, "day, whatever."

Bella looks as though she's about to argue.

"No, Bells, listen. We are going to go to a spa and then a beauty parlor, maybe we'll even do some shopping, but we're going to go and do this for us. Not because Edward's too blind to see what's in front of him, but because all women sometimes need a little pick-me-up and a confidence boost. So, are you ready for some fun?"

Bella's lips twitch as a wide, excited grin replaces her sad and positively pitiful expression.

Bingo.

§§§

Hours later, my friend is hardly recognizable as we fall back through my door in a fit of giggles. Her vibrant eyes are sparkling with wicked humor as we both try to get over the fact that my hot neighbor from two doors down just asked Bella for her number. Teasing her, I let out a loud wolf-whistle as she pulls off her jacket, shaking her freshly cut locks.

Bella ended up getting a major makeover at the beauty parlor. And if the looks she received while strolling down the streets of Seattle is any indication… well… Edward won't know what hit him. Her look is edgier now filling her with a confidence I always knew was in her. When she'd talked to the hairdresser expressing what she wanted, I wasn't convinced but now… Just WOW! Bella touches her short hair, the almost white color a strong contrast to her dark roots.

I shake my head at her and smile.

"You are such a badass babe now! Charlie's going to have to keep that shotgun of his at the ready."

She giggles and shoots a glance at herself in the mirror. I can see that she's pleased with what she sees, which makes me incredibly happy. Grabbing the bags with our take-out, I move to the kitchen and get everything ready.

"Leah, I can't thank you enough. This was exactly what I needed."

I smile, pushing her box of delicious pho towards her.

"I'm glad. Like I said, sometimes a girl just needs a little make-over to build her confidence."

Bella pulls out one of my barstools and makes herself comfortable at my kitchen counter, which also functions as a table.

"Yeah, well, I guess it's my turn to cause a little fuss in Forks, but just in case I'm going to call Seth later and make sure he can be my date for the Farmer's Ball this weekend."

Taking a bite of my food, I chew slowly as I contemplate her words. If she really wants to cause a stir and perhaps give Edward a taste of his own medicine, then Seth is the last person she should be going with.

"What about Jake?" I ask carefully, pushing my noodles around as I await her answer.

"Jake?"

Her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

Holding her gaze, I nod my head.

"Bells, I know I said that we weren't going to talk any more about him, but if you really want Edward to notice you at the Farmer's Ball, making him jealous might be the right way to go."

I let her consider my words for a moment.

"And Jake and Edward have always been competitive, so…"

She swallows heavily, clearly a little flustered by my idea.

"So… Jake?" she continues where I left off.

I simply nod.

We both eat in silence for a moment before she breaks it.

"I've really missed hanging out with you. I know firsthand how long therapy can take, but… How are things going?"

I sigh.

"It's good. I mean, as good as it can go, I guess."

We take another bite. Knowing that Bella has also been through therapy makes me want to open up to her.

"My therapist is really nice. She's a hardass and I've wanted to punch her face a few times, but she's really helped."

Bella nods, a deep understanding radiating from her. Feeling my heart race, I conjure up as much courage as I can to ask the simple question I've been dying to ask for months now.

"How is he?"

Bella's expression proves that she knows exactly what I'm asking. She pushes her food away and gives me her complete attention.

"He's lonely."

A deep longing builds inside of me.

"The farm is doing really well, so he keeps himself busy, but I know he misses you."

My eyes burn with unshed tears, the emotion hitting me so strong that it takes me by surprise.

"I miss him, too," I whisper.

Bella sighs, reaching out to touch my hand.

"I hate that something from the past can keep two people who are so obviously in love with one another apart."

My heart skips a beat at her almost half-hazard remark. Bella notices the change in me and releases a surprised laugh.

"Oh, hun, you are not incapable of love. You might not know exactly how to deal with it, but who does?" she shakes her head, before piercing her eyes into mine.

"Tell me this, when you look into the future of your dreams what do you see?"

I don't answer.

"Okay, let me make it easier for you. Who is it that you reach for right when you wake up?"

My heartbeats begin to accelerate.

"Who makes you happy?"

Bella smiles knowingly. She nods as though she can hear my silent debate.

"Leah, you love him, you always have. That hasn't changed through therapy, but allowing yourself to consciously love someone and to love yourself, well, that's where the work comes in," she pauses.

"Love has always been there, you just had to teach yourself how to accept it."

An image of Paul and I wrapped in each other's arms, smiling widely, flashes through my mind and for the first time, I allow myself to believe perhaps that I too am worthy of a happy ending.