Carson ran his fingers through her chestnut hair, letting the silky strands pass between his broad fingers like a shawl. The way it felt against his skin reminded him of some of the finest fabrics in the world that he had seen and dealt with in all of his years working at the Abbey. It had surprised him as to how thick her hair actually was now that he was able to touch it properly. Most of the time she had her hair up in a tight up-do and in the evenings, when he had been privy to it, she usually had her hair up in a braid to sleep in. It was the first time he had really been able to take stock of her in her most natural form. The way her hair hung down the side of her face and onto her back reminded him of satin, smooth and flawless as it highlighted the naturally pale complexion of her Scottish skin. In awe, he stared down at her, seeking out her eyes, seeing as they shone up at him with such sparkle it was like looking down at a diamond. She looked so content and happy as she watched him, satisfied with his fleeting touches and the way his hands explored her hair. During this time of closeness, he had used the utmost level of restraint to ensure that he kept himself held back, but he could feel it dissolving inside of him as he continued to touch her as delicately as he could. It was as if he was handling the most sacred of packages, and he didn't want to do anything out of line. Feeling the desire to be close to her, he moved down to gently press his lips against her forehead, sensing her deflate at his touch as he did. Feeling the warmth from her body, he held them there, relishing the intimate contact with her.
One of his hands had rested gently on her shoulder, whilst the other had delicately moved up to her cheek so that he could cup her face. There his fingers lay, gently cradling her head as if he was holding the most prized possession in all of the land. Not once did she move away, but instead he could feel her head move into his touch as if she was seeking comfort from the contact that he was giving her. To know that she wanted what he was giving her was enough to make him feel pride, contentment and insurmountable happiness. If he could, he would kick himself in the face for not acting on his feelings sooner. Now he knew what it was like to feel truly happy, and a part of him knew that he had been missing out. Something stirred in him like fire and so he held his breath. How could someone so perfect exist? How could something so perfect love him back? Was this even real? Was she real? Was this some sick and twisted reality that his broken mind had bestowed upon him after hitting his head? Even if it was, it would be bitter-sweet nonetheless. Feeling what he did, seeing what he did and being able to, whether in his head or not, made him burn with happiness. The disappointment at it not being real would also be crushing, but would it make him chase it as soon as he could?
Desire swooped in like an eagle, taking a hold of his heart and faculties, driving him to increase his contact with her. It was as if she was his medicine and the one that was keeping him alive. The restraint that he had to not kiss her properly had vanished like a breath on a cold night, and so he let it pull him from deep within, allowing the demand to drive him into action. As he adjusted his head to kiss her he could feel her rub the bottom of his back in gentle circular motions, and like a catalyst, they sparked him into life. The tip of his thumb traced over her lips, and he could feel her shudder against him as she took in a breath and held it, her expression expectant as she followed his eyes with hers. As if the gravity of her pulled him in, he wanted with all of his might to feel her lips between his, and so he adjusted his head.
The decline into her personal space was met with a wall of sweet and shallow breaths, her mouth slightly parted in an expectant pose. It was as if her breath was a tonic to any of his worldly problems and could keep him alive forever. Then his eyes sought hers, seeking approval from her gaze as he inched closer and closer to his warm pillowy goal. The look she gave him never faltered, and he could tell by her quickening breath that she was waiting patiently and with need.
As their lips connected, he felt her hands move to take his hips, taking a firm grip as her fingers kneaded at the slight overhang he had developed over the years. The warmth from her touch and the pressure from her fingers drove him onwards and so he continued. Their lips began to move in a synchronised motion, dipping in and out of each others warmth, their lips connecting in loving interludes. They moved in time with each other in sweet perfection, feeling more and more hungry at every touch. This created pressure in the pit of Carson's stomach and he could feel her begin to take control, her desire and need demanding more and more attention. Carson didn't want to get carried away, the rational side of his mind clicking to life, like a pinprick of light in the midnight sky. Feeling the kiss get more and more intense, he tried to move back, but she persisted. The way her lips held onto him, pulling him back into the blissful connection that he could not fight. It was perfection. It was desire. It was heated. It was love.
Warmth cascaded over his body as if he was standing under a shower of warm water and he could feel her move her hands up to take his lapels with force as she tried to quench her hunger for him. Carson found himself unable to think of anything but the contact that she had on him, the resistance having receded into the night, his lips continuing to seek contact in warm and even moments. Then she stopped, her lips around his, savouring the pause as she let out a small groan. Then he felt her fingers let go of his lapel and move to the top button on his shirt. It came undone before he had even had time to think about what was happening, her fingers dancing and opening the buttons without any resistance. Moving his hands to take hers, he pressed his hands down onto them and sighed. "Elsie," he whispered with bated breath as his heart hammered in his ears.
When he searched her expression, feeling the heavy breath from her mouth against his face, he could see the desire burning behind her eyes. Like a lighthouse on a stormy night, he could see what she wanted without her having to verbalise a thing. Everything crumbled. "We can't, Elsie." The tone in his voice was unconvincing even to him, and he couldn't help but move his lips back to her. There he teetered on the brink of unforgettable oblivion.
"Please, Charlie," she pleaded between kisses, her fingers delicately moving to undo the next button. The tips of her fingers touched the skin on his chest and Carson groaned involuntarily.
"Elsie," he whispered, taking his lips from hers, moving them across her face and down onto her neck. There he heard her moan quietly, her hands gripping him as tight as he had ever felt, feeling her pull him closer into her.
Carson opened his eyes and felt the cold sweat that seemed to envelop his entire body. It took him a moment to get his bearings, searching the room around him to see if she was really there. However, he was met with the familiarity of his dark bedroom, the springs of his old mattress pushing into his back like old friends. There was nobody there, and he realised that he had just been dreaming. Sitting up abruptly, he lifted the covers off of his sweaty body and stared into the darkness of his room with a hint of disappointment. It was based on the fact that a part of him was sad that it wasn't real, but the other half of him, the half that had ruled his mind for years, was scolding him for having such a dream in the first place. Never in his life had he been so consumed by a person, and it scared him just a fraction. It was all new, it was all special. Most people got involved with a person in their younger years, and he knew he hadn't gotten the experience of this when he was in his prime. What were her expectations? It didn't matter what he thought they were, he was willing to jump headfirst into anything if it was what she wanted. If she wanted to walk to the ends of the earth, he would follow without hesitation.
Mary walked out of the front door and caught a gust of cool wind that seemed to be running down the edge of the house. It moved her to the side, her bodyweight causing minimal resistance from natures breath. Being at the mercy of the elements made you realise just how small you were in the grander scheme of things. The wind aside, it was a pleasant day. The sun sat high in the cloudless sky, the blue gradient stretched out over the horizon, nestling against the rolling greens of the Yorkshire Dales where they met. Reacting to the chill, she made sure that her coat was done up as high as it could, contemplating whether she should go and get a scarf to protect her neck. Once she started moving she would likely be OK, so she carried on looking out into the distance.
When she had opened her eyes in the morning, she realised she had awoken much earlier than she normally would have, her body in an unusual state of timekeeping. There was a chill in the air, but she had gotten out from beneath the warm covers, still feeling uncomfortable with not having Matthew by her side. His side of the bed always remained cold, reminding her of his permanent absence. Moving over to the window, she wanted to see what the weather was like before truly committing to going outside. The last thing she wanted was to go out in horrid weather, and she certainly didn't want to drag others with her. The early morning haze had floated over the grass like smoke, stretching and twisting along with the morning breeze. If you looked closely enough you could make out the intricate patterns that were made with the haze moving in and out of blades of glass- it was almost hypnotic. In the distance she could see the birds fleeting in the sky like flecks of dirt, zipping and sliding up and down as they took advantage of the early morning quietness. The last time she had looked out of that window she had been shrouded by something dark. It had reminded her that she could sense that she had shifted partway towards daylight, like the early morning twilight before the sun broke from its night in prison.
There had been things on her mind that night, the tentative idea that moved in and out of her thoughts of going to see her son. It hadn't felt like the right time because she wanted to settle, wanted to build herself up enough to see him. Maybe it was an excuse? Maybe what she needed to do was do it without thinking so she didn't have the time to back out of it? It did feel like she needed a foundation to build on, a solid foundation. It needed to stop her sinking. Maybe tonight was the night? Maybe tomorrow was?
"Lady Mary," Carson said happily as he walked up behind her with Mrs Hughes at his side. It had been taking all of his might since he had gotten out of bed that morning to keep his mind on track. The vision of his dream kept dancing into his mind at unexpected moments, and he had to push himself to think of anything but that. It didn't help that she looked so happy when she had seen him that morning, reminding him of how she looked up at him in his dream. Carson didn't want to let on that anything was amiss, and so he had to persist with his charade. What he wanted was to kiss her, hold her, touch her as he had done. It was not proper to do so or to think about it, and so he kept scolding himself over and over.
Mary turned around when she heard the voice behind her, bringing her back into the present. "Ah, Carson, Mrs Hughes. I'm sorry to have you out here in the cold," she smiled at the pair of them.
Carson scrunched his face up. "Don't be silly, Lady Mary," Carson dismissed, raising his hand to physically wave it away. "It feels like I am still in some sort of limbo where I have no real purpose until I get back to work. It will be nice to get out and really stretch my legs."
"Aside from the chill in the air, it is a lovely day, My Lady. His Lord and Ladyship are still in bed, so the house is quiet. It will be nice, as Mr Carson has said, to get out and stretch our legs." Mrs Hughes did the second to last button up on her coat after a breeze managed to sneak into the gap at the top.
"It's not like them to sleep in so late," Mary said with a smirk on her face. "Although, his Lordship got himself into a bit of a state after consuming too much wine." Mary lifted her hand to adjust her hat so it gave her a shield against the wind. "Not that I blame him in the slightest."
"This isn't the first time they've slept in recently," Mrs Hughes said quietly. "I suppose with everything that's gone on they've needed the rest."
"I think he might be a little disheartened when he realises how much wine we went through last night. That, and the wine he decided to celebrate with," he said with furrowed brows because it was a very good wine. "It's not cheap."
"Well, it's nobody else's fault but his," Mary retorted with raised eyebrows. "I don't feel sorry for him. As you said, it was his decision. He has been drinking long enough to know where to push the boundaries and when to stop. If he enjoyed himself as he did then he needs to deal with the repercussions. We have all been there at some point or another, although I've never had to be helped up the stairs to bed in such a manner."
Light chuckling passed through them all. "You're not wrong there," Mrs Hughes replied. "Although, it feels like a lifetime ago since I was in such a state. It doesn't seem worth losing a day to alcohol any longer, and it's not as if we ever have the time. There are more important things to enjoy when we do get some time off." Mrs Hughes smiled, trying her hardest not to look at Carson as she did. It dawned on her that a lot of her spare time would likely be devoted to him now, and she couldn't be happier about the fact.
"Yes," Mary smirked, looking at the pair of them, seeing the smiles on both of their faces. It was like they were schoolchildren, denying their naughty school tricks, unable to fully hide it. "There are. Shall we get going?"
"If you are ready, Lady Mary," Carson said, adjusting his hat as he moved to line himself up with both women. "I wanted to say actually, My Lady, that we have both decided that I am to talk to his Lordship today about my intentions."
Mary smiled because she knew that it was coming. It was obvious to her that the pair of them were really in love, and it would likely be a struggle for them to be in the same room as each other without giving away hints. They needed not to though, not until it was common knowledge. There were ways they had to go about things, and the last thing they would want is for her Papa to find out from someone else. There were people in that house who would purposefully do something to try and muddy their names for their own benefit. It was a wise move for many reasons. "So soon?"
"Well, you agreed that we might want to sooner than anticipated. I think that it's a good decision, for everyone. It was maybe sooner than either of us thought, but I think that given everything that's gone on we need to move forward. Life is short and we're not getting any younger." Mrs Hughes smiled, turning to look at Carson as she said it, her stomach knotting when their eyes connected.
Mary bowed her head. "Life is short. You are right about that." The group of them went silent for a moment as they thought about the words that had been spoken. Mary was thinking about Matthew. Mrs Hughes was thinking about how she felt like she had put her foot in it, and Carson was thinking about both of them. "Do you want me to be there?" Mary said, turning to look at Carson with big eyes. "If you need me to?"
Carson smiled and shook his head. "No. I think I need to keep it to just his Lordship and I."
"I see," Mary nodded. "Well, if you need anything from me, I'll be there. Just say the word."
Carson hoped with all of his heart, like his life almost depended on it, that there would be no issues. Having to contend with the probable loss and grief to an aspect of his life dawned on him the more he thought about it. Either he would have to leave, she would have to leave or they both would. It would change everything about his world. No longer would he walk the halls of Downton, no longer could he be there to help Lady Mary as closely as he had and no longer would he live the life that he had been able to. Not that he would do anything different, because Mrs Hughes was going to be a part of his life now. "Thank you, Lady Mary," he replied with sincerity in his voice. If his Lordship embraced the idea with open arms he would be the happiest man in all of the world.
The walk into the woods was relatively quiet aside from idle chatter. Carson and Mrs Hughes followed her expectantly, trying to navigate the terrain on and off the beaten track. Carson had a sense of where he needed to go, but it didn't mean he knew with great accuracy and so he mainly left it to Lady Mary. The trees, tall and broad, cast ominous shadows where the overhead canopies were so dense they were able to block out rays from the sun. The animals were scattered along the tree-lines and down on the floor, startled by the sudden influx of humans into their habitat.
The wind moved through the branches, startling and awakening the orchestral noise of moving tree limbs that were succumbing to the power of the moving air. In contrast to the night when it had all happened, it didn't seem or feel as damning. The daytime light brought about a whole different feeling to the landscape around them, opening it out so that it seemed more infinite. The finalisation of darkness was immense, reducing your line of sight and making it feel like you were in a much smaller space than you actually were. The weather also seemed to be in their favour, pushing out warm tones and lights from the sky, easing the nerves of the woman who wanted to explain so much.
In reality, it didn't take that long to get there. Carson remembered the trek to that point taking much longer, but then that was likely because there had been no defined direction and destination. They were wandering without sight. When the three of them arrived into the space around the tree, they could all see the size of the broken branch which lay on the floor like a discarded limb. It was big, wide and it looked heavy. It was no wonder that Carson's face and head had taken such a beating, the thing was very big. It mustn't have been the main trunk of the branch that hit him because that would have caused him much more damage. He had been lucky.
"I can't believe the size of it," Mary said quietly, looking at Carson's head as she did. There was a dark patch to the side on the floor, where Carson had laid, and all three of them knew that it was blood. There must have been a lot of it to cause such a discolouration because it had rained since then.
"Let's not worry about that, My Lady," Carson said with a smile on his face, trying to keep the mood as light as possible.
"I was selfish, Carson. I know I couldn't help it, but it was selfish. I am truly sorry, Carson," she replied defiantly, maintaining eye contact with him so he could see that she really meant it.
"You did what you had to do given the circumstance. You reacted almost involuntarily to the grief that you were and still are feeling-"
"Let's not dwell too much on it. That's not why we're here. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry." Mary could feel her stomach twist at the thought of that evening, and so tried to move them on.
"I know you are, My Lady. I accept your apology, and although no forgiveness is required from my part, I extend it to you again." Carson gave her a reassuring nod.
Mrs Hughes didn't say anything because she had already made her feelings clear on the subject. This was not the reason that they were there, to reflect upon what had transpired, but to explain the reasoning as to why this place held notable memories. It must have been due to Matthew Crawley, and she wondered if the relationship that was developing with Carson would have their share of memorable locations that would mean so much?
Mary turned to look at the tree, the damaged limb leaving a wide-open space to see the sky above. As if nature itself wanted to bring more light, whether from the sun or moon to this once shaded area. It always made her feel small because of how high and broad the tree was. The hollow trunk, a haven from the elements, the artery of the tree itself, made her picture Matthew's face.
"I know it may seem strange, for me, the daughter of the Earl of Grantham, to have such a connection to an old tree that sits so nestled into the estate. However," she paused to turn to look at them. "When I met Matthew, I became more aware of how things have impacted our lives, how we can appreciate things even if there is no monetary value attached to it. This tree," she said, stepping back so she was by their side. "This tree holds a wonderful memory for me. It's painful but wonderful."
Carson and Mrs Hughes didn't say anything. They stood and waited patiently for her to carry on.
"This tree brought such joy to me as a child, as you know Carson. We climbed it, played around it, and used it as props in many of our games. Well, that was when we were allowed out and able to get near it," she said with a smile on her face. " I remember telling Matthew about it one day casually, as we were talking about games we used to play when we were children. Matthew wanted to know everything you see," she whispered, reaching down to touch the bracelet on her wrist. "Everything. There was no detail too boring, too minuscule or dull for him. Everything meant something to him. It fed him, or so it felt. Then one day I came down the stairs on an early afternoon. I don't remember why I had been upstairs, but he had timed it perfectly."
Mary walked over to the tree and ran her fingers over the bark, feeling the roughness under her fingers. "It wasn't overly warm, because we were in that transition between spring and summer when periodically the winter bite would rear its head. Matthew stood at the bottom of the stairs with the biggest smile on his face. I thought to myself that he had been up to something, and then I could see that he had a picnic basket in his hand and a blanket hung over his arm. When I returned my gaze to him, I could see the smile in his eyes. The brilliant blue that shone out, the softness around his eyes and the grin on his face, I knew that whatever it was had taken serious thought because he looked so pleased with himself. It was like the cat that had got the cream."
Mary moved back to stand next to the pair of them. "We walked, as we just did, through the trees. I remember how he looked around the woods as if he had stepped into something out of a storybook. Of course, it made me a little confused because he looked as if he had never seen woods before. I know now that it wasn't because of that, it was because they held such regard in my life. To him, they were my woods, and so he looked at them as if they were the greatest thing in all of the land. Then he asked questions about what we used to play, how we used to play it and if we had ever gotten lost. It was as if he was trying to fill the void that the years were to him before he met me. It was like he was trying to understand everything that I was and had been. I didn't appreciate it then, but I certainly do now. We arrived at the tree and his eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open. The basket and blanket were placed onto the floor and he walked up to it and ran his hands around the side, taking it all in piece by piece. You would think it was a long lost treasure of the ancient world," she said with a smile, remembering the way she had felt watching him, recalling the way she had watched him happily.
"We sat down and spoke for hours about the tree, the games and how happy it made me to spend time there when the weather finally lifted. We laughed, we joked and we ate. It was as if we had been transported to another world where there wasn't a care that either of us had. I forgot about the house, I forgot about everything that had been troubling me around that time and we appreciated the space we were in and what we had together. Then he said the most profound and wonderful thing to me and I remember it word for word. He said 'Mary, this tree has stood the test of time. It's remained tall and strong even after everything this estate has been through. Do you know what that reminds me of, My Darling? Us. Like the tree, we had to fight to grow, fight to find our place in this world. But now, after everything, our love will stand the test of time. We will stand tall. We will stand strong and we will remain for years to come until we grow old.'"
Mary sighed. "I believe that was one of the moments where I truly felt what he was saying. I believed it but I also really felt it deep within. Matthew was my happy ending. We sat for another hour or so, talking and being with each other in undisturbed company. Then he took something out of his pocket and walked over to the tree trunk. It didn't take long for him to do whatever it was he was doing. I remember standing up and peering over his shoulder to see him carving out our initials in the bark. It was something that school children would do. I asked him why and he said to me, 'Although our love will stand the test of time like no other, it will come to an end one day. This tree will outlive us. This tree will live on for almost eternity, like our love.' I didn't quite know what to make of it, a part of me thinking it was childish. When I sat upstairs in my room the night that I came out here I remembered it. I remembered what he said to me and how he said that our love would be forever and I just had to come here. I thought I would feel him again if I came to it. You may think it silly-"
"Not at all, My Lady," Mrs Hughes said quietly. "This place means something to you. It reminded you of a time and place that is held dear in your heart. We would never think you silly."
"I agree with Mrs Hughes," Carson said, nodding his head. "It was a sign of love, My Lady. It was a gesture of his unconditional love for you."
Mary nodded her head as she wiped at a stray tear that ran down her face. "Yes. I realised that after it was too late. I just needed to be here. I needed to touch it."
Carson moved to the side of Mary and placed his hand on her shoulder. "And that is understandable. Try to remember how happy it made you, how Mr Crawley wanted to do something special for you."
"I am," Mary whispered, trying not to get too upset. Matthew's happy face played out in her mind like a show-reel, reminding her of everything she was missing now that he was gone. A gust of wind rushed past them and she put her hands into her pocket, feeling something in there, reminding her of the other job that she needed to do. "That reminds me," she said quietly. "I told you that I had written you a letter. I want you to take it and read it tonight. You have a mountain of a task at hand today in talking to his Lordship about your intentions with Mrs Hughes, so I would prefer you to wait until we have a resolution there."
Carson felt Mrs Hughes come up beside him and take his hand as she stood at Lady Mary's side. Their fingers interlocked as she gave him a reassuring squeeze, letting him know that she was there to support him no matter what. "Thank you, My Lady," he said, taking it from her and putting it into his pocket.
"If Mrs Hughes is to you as Matthew was to me then you have something special there, Carson. Take moments that you can share and away from everyone else. Spend time getting to know everything about each other whilst you can, because nobody knows what is around the corner. Love is wonderful. Love is astounding. Love is painful. You choose your path in life, and I know that you would have pushed your feelings to the side to make sure that you were doing right with your work and your place in the home. But really, when you think about it, how happy did that make you? How happy are you now that you have both truly been able to feel and act upon all those repressed longings? Stay true to what you feel. I see there being no issue in you both staying, and as I have said, I would raise hell to ensure that it works out for you. You deserve the best, Carson, you do. If Mrs Hughes is that best then I will do what is in my stubborn power to ensure that. I get what I want. It's as simple as that." Mary gave them both a reassuring smile as she sniffed away another tear.
"Thank you," Carson and Mrs Hughes said in unison, their hands holding on tight as they both thought about what had been said to them.
"I think it's best we go back now," Mary said. "It is rather chilly."
"Thank you for showing us this, Lady Mary," Mrs Hughes replied. "I know it must have been hard, but I can see why you chose this place." Then she tried to give the younger woman a reassuring smile. "If you ever need anything, you know you can come to either of us at any time."
"I know," Mary agreed. "We will all get through this in the end, won't we?"
"Without a doubt in my mind, My Lady," Carson said firmly. "Without a doubt." Then he turned to smile at Mrs Hughes, keeping her hand firmly locked with his as they walked back, not letting go until the very last moment when they finally reached the treeline.
