By two weeks later, Kurt had been fed up with his hand being in a cast for far too long. He was annoyed by how much is slowed down his sewing because he couldn't turn his wrist to position his left hand the way he was used to – the way that was most practical. Due to sheer pig-headedness, Kurt had managed to keep up with what he was assigned. He went in for his 3-week follow up and was told that he needed to do less and take it easy and to come back in 10 days for another follow-up appointment.
He had missed two hours of work at the shop to go to the appointment that he thought he'd be returning from cast-free. He walked back into the shop really frustrated, but took a few deep breaths before he went to find Jared in the bay area working on a car.
"Hey, Jared?"
He slid out from under the car. "What's up, Kurt?" It took him a second to process the fact that Kurt had a bright red cast on his hand. "You have a new cast."
"Yeah, about that. I was told that I've not been letting it rest enough. I have an appointment again in 10 days to have it x-rayed a gain."
"And the red cast?"
"A fit of frustration. I figured if I absolutely hated the way it looked, it would be the perfect reminder to lay off using it so much."
Jared laughed. "So, you need light-duty for the next two weeks basically."
"I do." He pursed his lips and willed himself to relax.
"Too bad you have school. You could get Sebastian to go back to Florida with you and relax there."
"Yeah, but I have three classes, including Advanced Costume Design. I'm going to have to enlist him or maybe two of my other friends to help me hold the fabric so I can sew without putting so much stress on my hand."
"Sounds terrible, but I pay people to sew my buttons back on when they fall off because when I've tried it myself, they just fall off again the next week." He laughed at himself.
Kurt shook his head. "I could teach you."
"Well, that might save me some money in the long run. I'll think about it."
"I really need to do well. My professor is quite well known and I know for a fact that a lot of people go to her with projects and she can't possibly do them all herself, so she refers people on to her best students. Doing well in that class could get me professional paid work in the future, the near future even."
He nodded. He thought for a few seconds. "Buzz has been wanting to take a couple of days off. How about I talk to him and see what I can arrange. I can only pay you what he makes for the time that you're doing his job at the front desk, but it would be better than taking the time off with no pay. He could have 4-day weekend. He might go for that."
Kurt nodded. "Thanks. I'm really sorry."
"Hey, Kurt, relax. You did the right thing that night. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, but that doesn't make it less right. Hopefully, if you let up, your hand will heal up the rest of the way sooner and you can get back to doing things quicker. If you don't do what you're told, you're just going to drag it out longer."
Kurt nodded. "Let me know what you figure out." He turned and walked out of the bay area and out through the customer service area to the sidewalk.
Once he was outside, he walked towards the flat.
He decided that he was still going to make dinner for Sebastian like he had planned. He just needed to come up with a plan. An idea popped into his head. He had seen a recipe for one-pot burrito bowls and emailed it to himself. He pulled it up on his phone and headed to Mercado sin mancha and bought everything he needed that they didn't have at home already.
When he got home, he prepared the full recipe so they would have leftovers for the weekend. While he was cooking, he called Dani.
"What's up, babe?"
"I need a favor."
"Sure."
"Well, I've been told to take it easy on my hand and I got cast 2.0 today which is bigger and more annoying than cast 1.0 was. I'm going to need someone to help me with holding some of the things I need to do needlework on. I honestly think we might be able to get it so you can read while you hold what I'm doing the stitches on. That is if you're willing."
"Sure, babe. No biggie. I'm sure we can come up with something. Plus, I got the audiobook for the book I'm supposed to be reading for my history class. I can just plug in my earphones and listen while I hold whatever you're sewing on. Problem solved."
"You're the best. You know that right?"
"I do. But thanks for saying so. Santana and I are ready to perform that song with you, by the way."
"How about later tonight? It will be super dead at that karaoke place we went to that one time, so if we mess up, it won't be a huge deal. Or maybe we should practice it here first."
"I vote for doing it at your place first. We'll practice in your spare room. Sebastian can wear headphones while we practice and then we'll perform it for him as our first live audience."
"Sure. How about 7:00?"
"We'll be there."
"Thank you. I really appreciate you dropping everything you might have had planned and coming to help me."
"Would you stop acting like I solved world hunger because I'm a decent person?"
Kurt was stunned silent.
"Kurt, babe. I'm sorry. Listen. We're friends, like real friends. The kind you've not really had before. I need to remember that. You do things for me. I do things for you. It's all good. If I were there, I'd hug you. Now, cheer up because we're going to sound awesome on your song. We'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay."
"Love you, babe. Ciao!" She disconnected.
Kurt stood still, just holding the phone. He refocused, put the phone in his pocket and went back to cooking. He thought about what she had said. She was absolutely right that he still had not become accustomed to a friendship that didn't involve keeping score on how many times the other person had helped you out. And one where whatever he did was never worth as much as what other people did. One night of Rachel making dinner had been worth at least a week of Kurt making dinner.
He took another deep breath. He thought he was past all of that. And he realized that he was past feeling aggravated and annoyed about it. It was in the past, and he had moved on.
What he didn't realize was that he hadn't yet moved on enough to accept friendship on equal footing. He wasn't at the bottom of the heap groveling for a bit of attention from Dani. They were equal and what they did for each other depended on what needed done, not on who had helped the other person the most or in a more worthwhile way.
It felt good, but he knew that he needed to keep working on it, just like his song said.
X-X-X-X-X
Sebastian came in the door a few minutes after 5:30. Kurt was sitting on the sofa reading his history textbook. Sebastian zoomed around the corner and stopped, sliding a bit in his socks.
"Babe, it smells amazing in here. What did you make for dinner?"
"It's a surprise. It will be done in five minutes."
He dropped his bag next to the sofa and straddled Kurt's lap. He took his textbook and put it on the cushion down a ways. He put his hands on the back of the sofa, caging Kurt. He leaned down and kissed him. "Good afternoon, beautiful. I missed you."
Kurt smiled. "Well, I've been thinking about your all afternoon."
Sebastian looked down. "Either my brain is playing some kind of color-size trick on me or that new red cast is bigger than the black one was."
"No trompe l'oeil. Your assertion is quite accurate. I was admonished for doing too much and not letting my hand rest enough to heal properly. Jared's going to let me know about working customer service Friday, Saturday, and Monday – for minimum wage. If not, then, I'm just off without pay."
"Is the red the physical manifestation of the anger you were feeling as your hand was recast?"
"It is. Ten days with the red cast on."
"I'm envisioning you wearing a lot of navy."
Kurt laughed. "You know me so well. I invited Dani and Santana over. I need some help with my sewing and I know you have a lot of schoolwork."
"That's true, but I'd still help you if I can."
"I know. You're sweet like that." He pulled Sebastian closer and kissed him.
The timer went off on the oven.
"Dinner's done. Up you go."
Sebastian stood back up and kissed Kurt once he was standing up. He followed him into the kitchen and washed and dried his hands and grabbed two plates. Kurt put the stuffed red and yellow peppers on their plates and Sebastian carried them to the already set table.
"This looks amazing. My deductive reasoning skills tell me that you went to Mercado sin mancha this afternoon."
"I did indeed." He poured them glasses of ice water and sat down. "I tasted a bite of it before I stuffed the peppers. It's really good. I packed up the rest up for this weekend."
"Good idea. I have quite a bit of work to do tonight, but I can do it while they're helping you with your project. After we eat, could we snuggle for a while on the sofa?"
Kurt waggled his eyebrows and winked. "You read my mind."
"A super power with a double-edged sword. I think I'll pass."
"Yeah, not the super power that I'd pick either."
"This seems like a topic you've thought about a lot. Do tell."
"Well, I have only seen Stars Wars once, but the Jedi can wave their hands and put a thought into someone's mind. I think it would be super fun to have the power to do that with the stipulation that the power can't make anyone do anything harmful to themselves or others."
"So, explain how this would work."
"So, let's say you see someone wearing a $2000 overcoat and $400 shoes and they're standing inline behind a young mom in line at the grocery store. I could move my hand in a discreet way and think, 'Pay for that mom's groceries.' And the rich man would just step up and offer to do it."
"I don't think I've ever heard anyone come up with such a cool super power."
"What would you pick? I'm assuming you've pondered this question as well."
"Well, if you had asked when I was young, I would have said the ability to fly like Superman because I just thought that was the coolest thing ever. He could just stand on the ground and propel himself into the air. I thought it would be the most amazing thing to just decide I was going to go visit my grandparents and the rest of my family in Paris and just fly there and eat dinner with them or go spend the weekend and just fly right back home when I was ready to."
"Your explanation makes your choice make so much sense. What would you pick now?"
"I can never quite decide, but quite often I think I'd like to have the ability to work like a human transporter."
"Like in Star Trek?"
"Exactly. But the details are vague. I think I'd like it to be able to work if I can see the scene, even if it's just through a phone. But at the same time, I wouldn't want this power because I know I would feel like I'd have to use it every moment of every day. It would overtake my life. I'd have people contacting me 24/7 about situations that are dire that can't be solved without teleportation powers. People in wrecks, fires, fights, you name it. So, it would be amazing and terrible because every call I missed I would feel responsible for a negative outcome."
"The double-edged sword again."
"Yes. I need to think about it again. Your idea is cool and no one gets hurt and it wouldn't overtake your life because it only works when you're involved and you wouldn't get contacted by anyone because you'd be completely anonymous. Very creative." He put the last bite in his mouth. "This was delicious. We definitely need to keep the recipe."
"It was actually super easy too."
"Even better. I love to cook, but sometimes we just need something fast." He took Kurt's plate and put them in the dishwasher. He turned and kissed Kurt who was waiting to put their glasses in. He took them and put them in as well. He turned back and wrapped his arms around Kurt. "Snuggle me?"
Kurt kissed him. "Of course."
X-X-X-X-X
"So, let's have that talk about my lack of sexual experience that you found to be strange – the talk I put off a couple of week ago."
"Okay."
"First off, I want to thank you for not pushing and for giving me time to work through a few things before we talked about it."
"Just so you know, I'm not pushing for you to tell me this. Just because I find something to be unusual or I'm curious about something does not mean that I'm entitled to an explanation. You're allowed to share or not share as you feel comfortable doing."
Kurt nodded. "I think this will help you understand me, so I'm going to tell you."
"Okay."
"When my dad gave me 'The Talk', he had pamphlets to explain the physical aspects. His talk was about intimacy, but he never actually used the word itself. He told me that having sex felt great, but that it would affect more than my body – that it would affect my heart as well. He talked about how having sex was a way to connect with someone. I listened, and I took his words to heart. I was really hesitant on the whole idea of sex anyway. Letting anyone that close to me was completely unappealing. I had zero experience with anyone being trustworthy enough to agree to take my clothes off with them."
"I get that."
"Anyway, when he talked to me about sex, it solidified what I already thought about it. It was something that two people who really cared about each other did together. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of one-night stands or even kissing someone I didn't know pretty well. So, I wasn't ready the night I told Blaine that I was. That was on me. But I was already really deep into the 'Only Blaine will ever tolerate me' frame of mind by then. I had let myself be changed by Dalton and Blaine when I had never let the bullies at McKinley change me. I clapped back to their bullying with verbal taunts of how they would work for me one day. I wore what I damn well pleased and didn't give a care what they thought. After I met Blaine, that changed. Eventually, he became more important to me than myself. Giving him what he wanted was more important than waiting until I felt ready."
Sebastian didn't interrupt. He paid careful attention as Kurt spoke.
"After we had sex that night, I didn't feel what I thought I would. I didn't feel any closer to him emotionally. I actually felt more alone because I didn't have anyone to talk to about how I felt about what had happened. I chalked it up to inexperience and tried to feel okay about it. Blaine seemed fine with it, so I decided that it must be me that had the issue. I worked at assigning positive thoughts, emotions, and feelings to the activity that weren't happening naturally. I thought that maybe I was just not letting go enough to feel what other people felt, maybe I was in my head too much and not in the moment. I'm not saying that it didn't feel good. It just didn't feel like a bond was created between us in any way."
"I get that because my arrangement with Jean excluded doing any of the relationship type things. So, it was specifically designed to be what you just described – a physical release for a physical urge. What you're describing sounds a lot like a friends with benefits arrangement."
"But it was supposed to be more than that. I put my all into it and was a generous lover, but my efforts were met with none of the reciprocity that I had expected. I thought our overall level of intimacy and physical contact would go up, but he was still just as uninterested in holding my hand at school, even in the choir room. A lot of the time, he didn't even sit with me when it was the only class we had together, even though most of it was after school. And when he only lasted two weeks before he turned to someone else to sleep with, it really shot me through the heart. I had loved him with everything in me and I gave him something I wasn't really ready to give to him, but I did it because I loved him and I wanted to make him happy."
"And you thought he'd turn to me."
Kurt looked up. "Stop that. At the time, I did see you as competition, but in all honestly I should never have had to compete for what was supposedly already mine."
"That's true. Even if I had wanted him, it wouldn't have been for a relationship, it would have been a rebound for Jean. And I would have stuck with him just long enough to fuck out my frustrations out and move on. I wasn't ready for a relationship then. So, at most it would have been another friends with benefits situation."
Kurt snorted. "He wouldn't have accepted anything less than your full attention."
"Which is why it probably wouldn't have lasted longer than a week of fucking and I would have ended the arrangement because he would have been needy and clingy and I didn't have it in me to be a good partner to someone then."
"Most likely true. He needs to be the center of attention."
"Back to what we were talking about. Can you pinpoint something about the experience that made it not be what you expected?"
"The general lack of intimacy."
"There's more meaning behind that statement than I'm getting from just the words."
Kurt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "He and I never made out like you and I do. This." Kurt motioned indicating how they were sitting. "This kind of thing never happened. You know, he never complimented me or made comments about being attracted to me? He never said anything about my overall level of attractiveness, like I was hot or cute. He once said I was adorable when I was nervous before Regionals. Not really a libido inducing statement. Oh, when I was in Lima the week before the proposal, he told me I looked 'dirty cute'. Whatever that means. I think it was Blaine-speak for 'Since you're in Lima, will you fuck me like you did a month ago?' I'm not sure what else it was supposed to mean. I was meeting with Mercedes and Mike to have coffee before going to my dad's oncology appointment with him and Carole. I'm not sure how Blaine knew I was meeting them, but he skipped school and was there. He said that to me, and then sat across the table from me making heart eyes and putting his hand on mine when I was fiddling with the sugar packets."
Sebastian remembered his nervous habit from the day they were in the coffee shop after they left Dalton.
"There is no mistaking that you and I are together. You put your hands on me in public all the time. While we've been sitting here, you've pulled me closer several times. There is no ambiguity about whether we are friends or dating. You take drinks from my straw. You take bites off of the food I offer you. You skewer the mushrooms off my plate and eat them when you think I'm not looking." He smiled and pecked Sebastian on the lips. "It's clear that you're with me. He was never like that."
"Mmm." He kissed Kurt. "I like your cooties," he teased.
"You're a goof."
"But I'm your goof."
"That's true. I love you so much." He pressed in and kissed Sebastian again. "You asked what's behind the words 'lack of intimacy'. It's all those things I just mentioned. Plus–" he signed heavily. "–whenever we had sex, it was all about him. He had ideas about how he wanted it to be. I gave him what he wanted. And he clearly enjoyed it, but it always seemed to be about the ways that he wanted me to touch him. None of it involved him reciprocating. It was me doing all of the work from behind. I could reach his back and neck, but there was no kissing. He didn't touch me. He wouldn't wash the gel out of his hair. Even the two times he tried riding me, he came before I did and he climbed off and lay down beside me and fell asleep."
"Wait, he just left you hanging and took a nap?"
"Fairly frequently, yes. I'd get up and shower in his en suite bathroom and finish myself off, if I was still in the mood. I'd get dressed and leave. I couldn't spend the night at his place, even after I graduated. So, I'd go over and we'd fool around and it felt good, but it was very transactional or peformative."
"I think I hate him now. He's an awful person."
"I stayed in an unfulfilling relationship because I thought anything was better than nothing. I thought he was the only one who would put up with me and that I should accept what I was being offered. I tried to believe that things would get better with time. I've realized that I was wrong about that. I deserved better from the start."
Sebastian kissed him gently, building in intensity.
When they broke for air, Sebastian said, "You absolutely did." He went back to kissing Kurt. "I love you and I know that you love me." He kissed up Kurt's neck. "And I'll tell you now that I don't fall asleep afterwards."
"Oh, really?"
"Really. And I will definitely make sure that you've been satisfied. Us being together will be mutually enjoyable and repeat worthy."
""Well, that will be welcome and new. Do you have any idea how turned on I am right now? I seriously need a cold shower before the girls get here."
"How about a nice warm shower – with me?" To the tune of the Ghostbusters theme he sang:
I ain't afraid of no cast.
Kurt cracked up. "I love you so much." Kurt got up and reached out for Sebastian. He offered to pull him up.
Sebastian took his hand and managed to spin him and divest him of his t-shirt in one smooth move. He kissed across his shoulders. "I love you too." He pulled his own shirt off and hopped over the sofa so he was just steps from the bathroom door.
Kurt laughed and went around the end of the sofa to follow him in.
