Of You, Me, and Us
Summary: "I like you." When those words left her lips, Botan had expected to hear him utter words of apology. After all, she didn't think he felt the same way about her. She didn't expect Kurama looking straight at her in the eyes before leaning closer to kiss her. And although he didn't say anything, one glance at the expression on his face was enough to tell her: she was his now.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
Chapter 43: Truth
It had to be done at some point.
It was an unspoken agreement between him and Botan that they would not proceed into marriage if they hadn't settled other issues - namely, the fact that Reikai didn't quite permit the relationship between them (something that was solved a few months ago, albeit in exchange for completely severing their ties with the spirit realm) and that he hadn't told his family the exact certitude of his identity. With Reikai out of the way, the only problem left was Shiori and the Hatanakas. It was the sole reason why they had postponed their wedding date countless times already, despite Shiori's protests - and utter excitement - that they should hurry up and tie the knot.
Kurama had beaten around the bush and attempted on multiple occasions to delay the inevitable - in spite of his many talents, the ability to face the inexorable wrath of his mother was not one of his forte. Of course, the cat was going to be let out of the bag sooner or later, with or without his preparations and it wasn't as if there was any right time to divulge the truth that you had been lying to your mother your whole life. It had to be done at some point, and when it did, Kurama found himself suffering an onslaught of Shiori's slaps - though they weren't quite painful due to her slight hesitance, but the obvious betrayal evident in the way she hit his face was testimony enough to manifest her disappointment. She had kicked him out when he came to visit and hollered at him to never come back. Botan's pleas for her to consider it over fell on deaf ears.
His mother was not a scornful woman. If anything, she was overwhelmingly gentle and kind-hearted - to the point it was almost impossible. But he had crossed the boundaries of her patience and lenience and it was the first time Kurama had seen her so angry.
They hadn't spoken for weeks, and Botan, unable to contain herself after seeing her fiance so overtaken by depression and seemingly acting out of character by moping around the apartment, visited Shiori and kept pleading for the older woman to let her in, in spite of Shiori's initial blatant refusal. They were seated on the sofa, Shiori on the opposite side of her as the benign mother went to fetch their tea.
"How is he?"
Botan spun her head around to avert her gaze to Shiori as the words resonated in her ears, cutting through the tension in the silent air like a knife through butter. There was a tinge of fury as Shiori's brown orbs peered at her, but there was also a latent sweet-temper in her eyes that she tried to conceal. The ex-ferry girl felt her heart sink deep into her gut, a snake coiling around her chest and rendering her almost out of breath at the pained expression on the woman's face. Shiori really was too benevolent for her own good and maybe she and Kurama had taken advantage of that by telling her convenient lies the entire time.
But at the same time, Botan couldn't blame her lover for his reluctance to tell her the truth - after all, it was not really a believable story nor was it an effortless feat to accomplish. How was he to tell her that he was a millennia-old fox who was much older than his mother, had seen and experienced more carnage than her and had perpetrated many awful crimes in his past life? It was not child's play for him to confess to her that a monster laid underneath his innocent and perfect son persona of Shuichi Minamino - albeit the demon within had mellowed down over the years. She had watched Kurama try so hard to come clean for so many times, yet his fear of losing his mother had rooted his words from coming out of his throat each time. Botan couldn't blame him - he was scared; she would have been to if she were him. And it wasn't as if Botan could prod into his personal matters no matter how much they adored each other regardless, because it was not her place to tell Shiori anything - and it was better if the older woman found out from him instead of a third party anyway. That said though, Botan didn't think it was going over the line to at least help them reconcile with each other.
Little Shuichi and Hatanaka-san had been shocked as well, of course, not to mention let down, but they had gradually accepted it after the course of a week or so as they understood the reason behind his actions. To be precise, if it hadn't been for Hatanaka-san convincing Shiori to let her in, Botan wouldn't have been able to attempt to smooth things out in the first place. Shiori was coherently more upset - considering she had raised Kurama since he was a toddler, thus had been suffering from a heavier downpour of fabrications. It was a miracle that she allowed Botan another chance to appease the current situation at all.
"He's… been quite," Botan paused as she contemplated the right words, "desolate, I suppose."
Shiori's rigid, wrinkled facial features softened only for a little bit at the notion that she was the source of her beloved son's agony, before she briskly slipped back on her mask of composure as she leveled Botan with another stern look.
"How long have you two been lying to me? This whole time?" Her voice was laced heavily with ire, a mingling touch of dismay passive in the tone she used. But if Botan tried to listen more closely, she discerned the small break at the end of Shiori's sentence - as if the woman was trying to stifle tears.
Botan placed the cup of tea in her hands back onto its tiny plate, a lump lodged in her throat as she swallowed, barely capable of deciphering the sweet taste as pain constricted in the middle of her chest once more.
"I couldn't have told you," she murmured, her voice barely audible but the desperate plea was evident. "I didn't have the right to, even if I wanted to. I was forced to lie, in order to give Kurama an opportunity to tell you the truth instead."
"Kurama…" Shiori echoed the name with a confused timbre, a frown coming to mar her forehead as the revelation slowly dawned on her that his friends had more than often let slip the name during her presence before they all but attempted to cover it up with another bluff.
She had known it was weird, but she had shrugged off the heavy weight in her chest each time and pretended to believe every word. Then again, when she looked back on it, Shiori realized that a part of her had been aware of the fact that her son and his friends, along with the girl she considered her own daughter, had been lying under her nose the entire time - but she had ignored it, dared not to confront them in trepidation of what she might find out. Perhaps, it was partially her fault. She had been deluding herself almost her whole life in order to not break the happy family picture of her and her son.
Nevertheless, Shiori could comprehend the basis of Botan's antipathetic demeanor so that she could avoid disclosing the truth to her. The younger woman had respected Shuichi's decisions and kept out of it for his sake, and also hers. It was true after all - things could have ended on a worse note if Shiori had found out from someone else instead of him, and Botan was merely trying to prevent such a scenario from occurring. It was infuriating, but it was poignant and understandable. Shiori felt only a little bit of the ice safeguarding her heart crack down as the notion of forgiveness began to creep into her thoughts - before she shook her head, decidedly choosing not to let them off the hook that easily. After all, it was 22 years worth of falsifications - it wasn't about to disappear so soon.
"It's hard for me to accept it, but I do understand where you're coming from," Shiori relented, but the firm tone never wavered. The tears were getting harder to suppress as she went on, "But why did he have to wait for this long to finally tell me?"
"Please understand," Botan beseeched. "It wasn't easy for Kurama to tell you everything. He has lived his life thinking that a demon like him is undeserving of love. He was afraid of the prospect of you looking at him in disgust if he were to tell you. But…" she trailed off, unable to find it in her heart to proceed.
"It had to be done at some point," Shiori finished for her, the solid fundamental in her voice finally faltering as warm tears eventually sprung free from the back of her eyes, the realization settling into her skin like freezing cold icepicks.
Truth be told, a part of her wished for time to reverse and Shuichi to have never told her anything - because it had changed everything; from her perceptions towards the world and her apprehension of their relationship. But was a life full of lies any better? Was it any more comforting to elude herself into the dreams that life could be normal again between them? Perhaps, it was more soothing - but it was cruel nonetheless. She deserved to know, no matter how brutal the reality really was. And it wouldn't do her any good to run away from the truth any longer. She would have to face it sooner or later - both her and Shuichi.
"When you said you moved into Shuichi's apartment because of family issues," Shiori started, trying to keep her voice from trembling. She wiped away at the tears streaming down her cheeks before blinking her watery eyes clear. "Was that also falsehood?"
It took some time for the blue-haired maiden to answer, and when she did her voice was barely above the octave of a hushed whisper. "...Yes."
Shiori noticed the look of hesitance flitting across Botan's visage before the younger female swiftly adopted a collected expression, but the mother had caught it, if only for a split second. "What really happened?" Shiori insisted, pushing away her own diffidence as she left no more room for Botan to avoid revealing everything.
"I was..." Botan took a momentary pause to gulp down her lump as her mind speculated the better ways to elaborate. Her hands flailed uselessly at her sides as she tried to communicate the words, before she heaved a defeated sigh. "I was… banished from Reikai. Kurama was the only person I could turn to."
The deep frown on Shiori's face visibly intensified as she persisted, "And Reikai is?"
"The spirit realm where every dead person goes to before they are sent to either hell or heaven," Botan riposted quickly, blurting out the sentence in fast syllables which matched the speedy momentum of her heart.
Shiori felt bile coming up her throat. "And what is your relation to Reikai?"
"I'm a ferry girl," came Botan's neutral answer, though if anyone were to pay more attention, one would perceive the slight nervous edge in her timbre. "A guide for dead souls." She paused, before adding, "I used to be anyway."
A quivering hand reached up to massage tense muscles in a silent command to slacken as Shiori felt a sudden headache perturbing her head. "So the whole story about you meeting Shuichi in college and being a stewardess was a lie?"
Botan forced out a response, "...Yes."
"Why were you exiled?" Shiori continued to prod.
"A relationship between a ferry girl and a demon is out of bounds," Botan explained, a bitter half-smile outlined on her lips. "We weren't supposed to fall in love. But I- I wanted to be with him."
Shiori seemed to finally be able to grasp the reason behind the long, sad exchanged glances Shuichi and Botan would sometimes share. It was something Shiori had discerned for a while as well, yet it was also another thing which she had brushed off as her imagination in the hopes of deceiving herself, in spite the fact that she should have known better. Come to think of it, Botan was the only woman other than her who was willing to throw everything away in order for Shuichi to be happy. The girl cared for her son to the extent of abandoning her busy schedule in favor of keeping Shiori company, only for the single rationale that she was her beloved's mother. She knew Botan grew to be attached to her the more time passed though, and so did she. The two women considered each other as their own family, despite not being blood-related. Botan was the daughter Shiori had ever wanted, and Shiori was the mother Botan had always needed. They had filled the voids in one another's hearts in full. It was why Shiori felt so betrayed when she found out.
But she had noticed the apologetic touch in Botan's pools of amethyst a number of times before - and though she had attempted to ignore it out of bewilderment, the small dots that seemingly made no sense prior to the truth unveiled connected and everything fell into place. Of course, Botan adored Shiori as the mother she never had. But she had loved Shuichi more than life itself. Of course Shuichi would have been her first priority - and though it must have been a horrible torment to keep fabricating everything towards the older woman, Shiori understood that Botan found it more important to go along with Shuichi's wishes. That, and also because it wouldn't have been the correct course of actions for her to butt in in the first place. It wasn't her right, and Botan knew that. Shiori understood quite clearly, but it still hurt.
"The times he told me that he was busy with helping Yusuke with charity, and all those business trips he keeps going to out of the excuse that he's thinking of helping Kuwabara with his company," Shiori pronounced all the bluffs they had showered her before, a sharp prickling pain striking at the middle of her chest, like a knife twisting through her heart as she muttered, "I assume those were not even close to the truth, were they?"
"...No," Botan reluctantly offered, her features matching Shiori's as her own flood of tears came free when Shiori broke into a sob at the response. "I'm sorry, I know it's not enough," she murmured, going to hold the woman's trembling hand, only to halt in her movements when Shiori pulled away.
"Tell me." Shiori was acutely aware of the resentment in her voice. "Where did he really go?"
"Missions," came Botan's low-notched mumble. "He's a member of Reikai Tantei. He told you that before…"
"Before I kicked him out of the house," Shiori cut in swiftly, her words a cold ice, a direct contrast to her usual warmth.
Botan clamped her mouth shut to quell the urge to wail as she observed the weird expression on Shiori's countenance - the woman was sporting a look seemingly bordering between anger and hate and also understanding and affection. It was as if she was torn apart between slapping Botan in the face or hugging her out of sheer forgiveness. Shiori was a kind woman - kinder than anyone Botan had ever met - yet her heart was also broken into pieces. Despite everything, she still gave Botan a chance. It was all the girl could ever wish for.
"So he's been going on dangerous missions," Shiori forced out the words, her voice a firm edge, "risking his life and getting himself hurt." Vaguely, she could remember one moment where she had noticed blood on his shirt before he all but abruptly took the dirty laundry from her hands. Offering an articulated set of lies all the while.
"It was for the sake of humanity," Botan quickly replied, the tone in her voice understandably panicky. "He had to do it. Or else this world would have been in danger."
Of course, Shiori knew that. She could fathom the whole thing even if Botan hadn't desperately given her an elaboration in order to alleviate the grieve at least a little. Pride at her sound swelled her heart, yet dread began to build into a puddle in the pits of her stomach. Shuichi had always been a good person - she knew that more than anyone - but she had never considered that his selflessness went beyond her expectations. Those boys suffered in bloodbath so that the human realm could continue to live in peace. Shuichi had blood splashed on his fingers, whilst she stayed behind with the rest of their step-family watching television. He probably had more than fatal wounds, while she laughed and went on dates with her husband. And yet he had never failed to tend to her needs, to offer her tender, loving smiles. The warmth and vibrance in her Shuichi's eyes had never diminished, even if the world around him was ruthless and dark. It was all Shiori could do to stop herself from letting out a startled gasp as the notion crashed down on her like a ton of bricks. Shuichi had committed so many sacrifices just for her to be safe and secure. It was touching, yet it also caused a deep anguish to grip at Shiori's sides.
How many times did he have to kill someone in order to avoid having harm from coming her way? How many times did he thread between life and death, pushing to survive, if only to return to her safe and sound so that she wouldn't have to be overwhelmed with worry? So many questions plagued the recesses of her mind, yet she dared not voice them out loud. She dared not find out. Or else she was sure she would beg for him to stop and come back to her. To leave that life and never return to it ever again.
Shiori had to swallow a lump in her throat before she could trust her voice again. "I understand," she tried to come off as calm, though the effect wore off as her voice broke in the end.
"Reikai doesn't want him to be a part of the Tantei anymore," Botan murmured, "but that life is never going to leave Kurama alone. He's a demon, and a threat is always lurking around the corner. He's made so many enemies in his life, that it would be near impossible for him to live fully in peace without being haunted by the nightmares of his past wrongdoings, and plagued by the concerns of his loved ones someday getting involved into a mess that he had sown countless years before." The words left her in harsh, clearly forced out syllables - as if it pained Botan as well to utter them, yet she had squashed the diffidence down in order to divulge the truth for Shiori. No more lies, no more deluding anyone into false hope. Her eyes had a determined glint as she firmly yet gently added, "But he will keep us safe, that I can assure you."
"I know," Shiori muttered, a bittersweet smile slowly forming at the corners of her lips. She fluttered her eyelids close in order to stifle another wave of tears. "I know," she said again, this time her voice was lower, yet more comforted.
It brought down a boulder of despair on her poor heart once Botan was finished with her declaration, but it also had a soothing effect on her that Shuichi - her pride and soul - had become more of a man than she had ever hoped for him to be. His responsibility was not one without consequences, but it was a burden he was willing to carry for the sake of everyone he loved, for the sake of keeping mankind from harm, and Shiori had no right to rob that away from him.
"One more thing," Shiori whispered, slowly sliding her eyes open to regard Botan with a stern look. But a touch of love and warmth lingered underneath as tears peeked from the edges of her eyelids. "Is his love for me a lie as well?"
"No, Shiori," Botan's firm response was immediate, as if she needed no time to mull over the answer. As if it was obvious. "He loves you, with all his heart. If it weren't for you, he would have stayed as the old Youko Kurama. Brutal, merciless and ferocious, but because of you he learned human emotions. And for that," Botan reached for Shiori's hand, and this time the older woman didn't withdraw as the girl's palm cupped the back of her hand in a soothing, affectionate manner, "I thank you."
Shiori shook her head, eyes shut close and long, thick eyelashes casting a shadow over her cheeks as they trembled. Tears cascaded down her face in warm, uncontrollable waterfalls before Botan extended her free hand to brush them away with her tender fingers.
"Tell Shuichi," Shiori's words were a mixture of a whimper and a choked sob, "I want to see him. Please." And she reached her own hand to grab Botan's, her fingers squeezing in a gentle manner.
"Mother?" Kurama's timbre dripped with heavy fright, anxiety evidently latent in his voice as he strolled towards the woman sitting idly on the couch. It had been an approximate 15 minutes after Botan had hurried him to see his mother.
"Come sit beside me, Shuichi," Shiori implored when his tracks stopped right behind the couch's armrest, his body a rigid line as if he was afraid to approach her.
A moment of hesitance hung painfully in the air before Kurama eventually walked around the sofa to flop down on an unoccupied space next to her. The fox did not dare look up out of fear, before he briskly suppressed the nervousness and lifted his head to direct his gaze towards his mother - the mother he loved so much. Shiori had dry tracks all over her cheeks, almost as if she had been crying. But her lips were curved upwards into that widespread, warm smile she would always shower him with.
"Mother, I…" he started but his words fell to leave his throat as Shiori silenced him with a finger against his lips.
"Hush now, Shuichi. Come lay on my lap," she ushered instead, pulling apart to pat both hands on the cushions of her thighs. Her smile seemed to broaden ever so slightly, but water was evident in the sockets of her eyes. "It's been a long time since I've spoiled you. The last you let me give you a pillow lap was back when you were in kindergarten. Come on," she insisted when he stayed still.
A fraction of a second passed as Kurama speculated whether he was deserving of the attention, only for his depressive line of thoughts to steer into a dead end as Shiori cupped the side of his head in one hand and pushed his head down her lap. Peridot irises widened in surprise, caught off guard by the abrupt, swift motion before shock soon died down, taking its place was deep remorse heavily building in his chest.
"Mother, I-"
"Tell me one thing," she cut him short, voice soft, yet loving, as she ran her fingers through the lustrous strands of his red hair. Her son was as handsome as ever as he stared up at her with guilt. "Are you still my son?"
"Yes, mother," came Kurama's hushed response as he darted his hand upwards to clutch hers when it went to trail lazy, soothing circles on the plump flesh of his cheek. His fingers gave her hand a firm squeeze, the gesture seemingly comforting as an odd combination of emotions perturbed his normally collected pools of green. His eyes appeared to convey all the sorrow, affection, repentance, and apologies he had suppressed for twenty-two long years. "I am Shuichi Minamino, yet I am Youko Kurama. I am a human, and a demon. I have killed and stole treasures. Yet I love you very much. I am still your son who loves you very much." A sob erupted from his throat as his composure finally ruptured, giving way for pure vulnerability as he cried and pleaded for forgiveness on her lap.
Shiori peered down at the man lying on her lap, a smile touching both her lips and eyes as her own tears sprung free, trickling down in less unstoppable floods than his. It was the first time she had seen Shuichi cry. And it was the first time she was finally able to see through who he really was.
He looked like a little boy as he laid there with tears on his cheek but a happy smile outlined on his lips as she gave him comforting pats here and there. She hushed him, cooed at him and he seemed to calm down.
"I forgive Botan. I forgive your friends," she whispered, eventually letting go of all the disappointment from before as she finally accepted him for who he was. And it felt like water down her back, like a boulder off her chest as she echoed the words Kurama had yearned to hear for more than twenty years,
"And I forgive you, Shuichi. Because I am your mother, and that's what mothers do."
A/N: Phooey. Finally done with this chapter. I've been postponing this one for a long time, simply because I wasn't sure if I could convey Shiori's emotions probably. Hope I did a good job anyway. I feel like we all agree that Kurama can't really lie to her for his entire life - I mean, she's gonna know sooner or later. Sorry if I made Shiori so stubborn to forgive him, but I felt like that was more realistic than her accepting everything just like that. I mean, of course she's going to accept him for who he is and love him nevertheless, but I think she would have taken some time to let go of the fact that he had lied to her since birth. I mean, she loves him very much and anyone would feel betrayed to find out that they've been lied to for such a long time. Of course, she'll end up forgiving him anyway - but I wanted to point out her struggles in understanding a world she never existed. A son she didn't really know the full truth from. I feel like it would have been hard for her to wrap her head around everything and just 'oh, okay' with everything being fabricated lies, but I feel like as a mother, it would also be more relatable and understandable that she would love and forgive him no matter what. Sooo.. welp, that was a long rant. Hope you enjoyed reading this update anyway!
And also, the reason why I dragged on Botan and Kurama's boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was because I felt like it would be impossible to proceed with marrying each other even though Shiori doesn't know the true reality of things. I felt like it wouldn't be fair for her, and I also felt like it would be more logical. That's just MY opinion though.
And sorry if you guys got confused with the switch between Kurama and Shuichi. I had to make it obvious which one was Shiori's POV lmao.
saillovelypines- Lol, Yume's never going to go away because she's intent on stealing Kurama's place in Botan's heart! Lmao jk. I just find the whole prospect of Kurama fighting with a cat for Botan's attention is really funny. Just imagine a fox demon dueling with a cat of all things. Quite the battle, I must say. XD
lovelyirl- Thanks! Though this chapter might be a little bit on the sad, bittersweet side for most. Not sure if I did a good job on it though lol.
h114- Lmao, Kurama's scary in general. Scarily tempting as well (sorry not sorry XD). I don't think that's crazy, I think everyone wants to be that close to their partner - myself included, of course. Lol, Yusuke's sensitivity is about as close as a rock, but he's a good guy. Well, I'm glad this story managed to make you happy. I like to balance everything out, because I feel like that would be best. And I love both the sweet and dark side of Kurama :). Although this update might cause you a little pain, it ends on a happy note! Right, isn't he cute though? The whole theory about Kurama being easily jealous is so fun to explore, and I just HAD TO make him jealous of a cat to show that he can be a little bit of child as well sometimes when it comes to the person he loves. I really want more doujinshis of KB to be honest, I feel like they deserve more love.
