Mariana Ramirez had two thoughts when she returned to the land of the living: drugs made her mouth taste funny and she felt like she was hit by a bus.
She had been awake before, but not fully coherent. She remembered snippets of hushed voices, soothing remarks, and a gentle touch on her hand and brow. Part of her wanted to lean into the touch and cling to the softness being shown to her. The "rational" side of her mind told her that it was wishful dreaming before she slipped back into a seemingly endless sleep.
But this time, she was coherent and fully aware of what was happening around her. With a pained groan, her head tilted to the side to find a face she never expected to see. The last time she saw him was years ago when he came by to visit their abuela and the Ramirez siblings.
"Hey gordita," he greeted softly, leaning forward so he could see her better.
"Carlos," she whispered out. "What're you doin' here?"
"The hospital called me as your family contact because your team was spread thin," he explained. "Hopped on the first plane from Austin to LA and came straight here."
She shifted slightly to alleviate the pressure on her back and legs. The slight movement sent a searing pain through her body and she bit back a shout of pain and instead let out a low groan and collapsed back against the pillows.
"Hey, take it easy. You've had a bit of time to heal up but you've got a while to go," Carlos assured her. He pressed the call button and then settled back in his seat.
"Bu...Buck? He okay?" she asked.
"That's your blond friend, right? He's fine. He's in the room next door because your team insisted that you two would want to be close. He's got a broken leg but they said with some PT, he'll be fine."
"And the others?"
"All fine and discharged already. The bomb was at the front of the truck. Other than four broken ribs and a fractured ulna, you'll be okay."
"Oh that's why it hurts like a bitch to breathe," she exhaled. "I'm really tired."
"You've been asleep for three days, cuz. A few more hours won't hurt. Can you stay awake until the nurse comes?"
She nodded pathetically and leaned her cheek against the pillow, her brown eyes watching him. "Been a while."
"It's been too long. What's this about you getting shot? Mari, they let me see your medical records and your captain told me a bit about what's gone on. When abuela came here to take care of you, we had no clue what had happened with Valentina and Daniel. We never knew, Mari, or we would have come and gotten you in a heartbeat. Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"I was scared," she admitted. Tears were filling her eyes and she bit her lip to try and hold back the lump of emotions building in her throat. "I didn't...I couldn't ask that of you."
"We would have done it without hesitation. You're family, Mariana."
"You don't understand," she cried. Hysteria clouded her voice and mind where she didn't even hear Anna come in to administer more pain meds. "Death follows me. I killed papi and mami and abuela and Luis and Jess. I killed Shannon. I wish it was me. Shannon would be alive. I hurt them."
Carlos shook his head and grabbed onto her hand. "No, Mari. It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. You can't think like that."
"I killed her. I wasn't good enough. It's my fault," she slurred out as the meds flooded into her system. "I'm sorry. I wasn...wasn't good enuf."
Her head lolled back as her body went limp, her eyes falling shut with sleep. Carlos squeezed her hand and glanced up at Anna and then at the figure standing in the doorway.
"I didn't know," the figure said.
"She's good at hiding that kind of stuff," Carlos sighed.
/
The second time she woke up, the pain was just a little less than excruciating. Mariana inhaled deeply and then let out a splitting cough, her ribs protesting against her breath. Someone helped her sit up as another person calmly instructed her to take shallow breaths. Finally able to breathe enough to where she wasn't hurting her ribs, Mariana blearily blinked open her eyes and leaned back against Bobby's arm.
"We gotta stop meeting like this," she rasped out. Athena rolled her eyes but affectionately pushed a loose strand of Mari's hair behind her ear.
"How you feeling, baby?"
"Not a million bucks. Maybe like a quarter of a million," she replied. "How's Buck? Is he okay? Is he discharged yet?"
"Buck is fine and he's been asking about you too. If you're feeling up to it, we can take you to his room," Bobby offered.
"Yeah. That'd be fucking awesome. I'm sorry about the truck."
"Why the hell are you apologizing? You didn't plant the bomb in it," Bobby admonished. She shrugged and winced at the movement.
"Maybe if I did a better check on inspections or something…"
"Hey, none of that. It wasn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself."
Athena returned with Travis and a wheelchair. With some heavy cursing and Athena practically picking up Mariana and placing her in the chair, they eventually were able to wheel her over to Buck's room. The blond was sitting up, his leg propped up in a sling and a tired grin on his face.
"You look like shit," he commented at the sight of his best friend.
"Wheel me back," Mari ordered, her eyes narrowed at Buck. Bobby and Athena chuckled before parking the wheelchair right next to Buck's bed. He reached out with his hand and she instinctively gripped it, a look of concern flashing across her features.
"How are you?" she asked him quietly.
"Good as I can be. How are you? You've been out longer than I was."
"My lungs feel like an elephant is sitting on them but I'll live. Not the first time I've had a little booboo."
"I hate it when you crack jokes about your various life threatening injuries."
"You love me."
"Where did my favorite sister go? Maddie said she was just getting coffee. I could have sworn she said she would be right back."
"I hate you."
His grin disappeared and he squeezed her hand. "You've gotta stop scaring me like that. I thought I lost you."
"I thought I lost you," she retorted.
"Mari, we need you. You're the soul of our team. We can't lose you."
"You're a sap, Evan Buckley," she deflected. "What kind of meds do they have you on?"
"Mariana Ramirez, I mean it. Twice you've been in a hospital bed since I've known you. Twice now I've felt like I was losing an important person in my life."
"If I'm the soul, then you're the heart, Buck. We're in this together. Forever."
/
The third time she woke up was in the dead of night. Her mind filled with nightmares and memories until she couldn't handle it and she awoke out of a deep sleep with a panicked gasp. Which then erupted into a heavy round of painful coughs.
"Hey, hey. Breathe with me. I gotcha," a familiar voice said as a hand ran soothing circles on her back. She leaned back against the firm chest and let out a shaky breath, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.
"You're okay. You're going to be okay. I gotcha," the voice whispered. Lips pressed against her forehead and she shut her eyes at the touch, letting tears escape the corners of her eyes. Calloused thumbs brushed away the hot tears and a lingering kiss settled against her skin.
"Eddie," she spoke, voice broken and stained with grief. He brought her hand to his lips and peppered a dozen kisses against her skin before setting it back down in her lap.
"I'm here," he assured her. "I'm not leaving."
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."
"No, my heart. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for making you feel as if something that no one could have controlled was your fault. You are not to take the blame because there is no blame to give."
"I wasn't good enough."
"You're always so good, Mariposa. You are so smart and so skilled. Please you need to believe that," he begged.
She nodded against the column of his throat, settling her face in the crook of his neck. He stroked his hand up and down her back, humming something under his breath.
"Is Christopher okay?" she asked finally.
"He's the strongest kid I know. He'll get through this. He's worried about you, though."
"Bring him by. Please. I...I need to see him."
"Of course. Anything for you."
Mariana clung to him, the weeks of grief and exhaustion pouring out of her through hot yet silent sobs. Her shoulders shook with pain and emotion and he held on throughout it all. When her cries subsided and she began to pull away, Eddie cupped her face with his hands and brought her in for a gentle kiss.
"I don't know if I can say it," she whispered once they broke apart.
"Then don't. I know. I can wait for you."
"Will you?"
"You screamed. You screamed because you were in so much pain and I felt like I was going to lose it right there. And then I've sat here every night waiting for you to wake up so I can see those brown eyes again and it made me realize. Yes, I will wait every waking hour if it means getting to see you smile. To know you're not in pain. I never understood what it meant when people said to move heaven and hell for a person but now I know. Whatever you ask of me, I'll do it. Because you could ruin me, Mariana Ramirez, and I wouldn't care as long as you were happy."
She kissed him once then twice and then another time, trying to convey the overflowing emotion in her heart as she embraced him. Eddie helped her lay back against the pillows and he held her as she succumbed to sleep once more, his eyes trailing down her features as if committing her to memory.
Because he was quickly learning that life was short and he wanted to remember every detail.
