Warnings for this chapter: lots and lots of negative self-talk and self-hatred, reflections on murder and mass slaughter, reflection on and depictions of loss of self, discussions of emotions similar to dissociation, angst
Neither of them let go for a long time. Inuyasha couldn't find the will to move. He didn't want to. Moving would mean confronting what had happened – what he'd done. And he couldn't. How could he ever come to terms with it? He'd never been the type to run from his problems, to hide away rather than facing it head-on, but now… His pack was still beside him. His partner's arms were safely around him. They'd said they were family, that they'd stay, but how could that be? When they moved past their shock, when they were confronted with the stark reality of what he'd done…
They had every right to leave. They should leave. He was a danger to humans. He was everything they'd ever feared him to be. And that's why he couldn't move. Because he couldn't be the one to shatter the false calm that had settled over his pack. He couldn't be the one to break the spell.
But he couldn't let it be any of them. He couldn't bear for any of the others to be the one to look him in the eye and tell him it was over. And he wouldn't put that on them, either. He knew that they would blame themselves – probably did already, the sentimental fools. No. If it was the last thing he would ever to for them, he would protect them this last time.
He pulled back gently. Miroku's arms slid from around his back. Violet eyes followed him carefully. He shivered, suddenly cold. He stood – he could still feel the eyes of the villagers at his back.
The words wouldn't come. Even though he knew it was the right thing, he couldn't let them go.
"We should find a place for the night," Miroku said quietly.
Sango nodded as she approached. "We can find a storehouse or something."
Inuyasha swallowed. He knew that it would be easier to spot a village from the air, but the thought of being near unfamiliar humans again made his skin crawl and stomach churn. If it were up to him, he would simply sleep out in the woods again, but – he glanced up at the sky – it was about to rain, and the late autumn nights were too cold already for his companions. He couldn't risk them getting sick because of him. He looked past the river, to the forest and shadow of the mountains beyond. "I know a place."
Miroku offered him a small smile from the ground. He maneuvered himself onto one knee and used his staff to push himself half-way up before Inuyasha's mind caught up and he rushed to help. Pain dripped from his scent. He had overused his injured leg to the point of undoing all the healing that had been done – he couldn't put any weight on it again. Then there was the wound to his shoulder from the poison, and his robes were still damp from washing the rest of the silk from them and- Inuyasha squeezed his eyes shut. It was all his fault. Miroku shouldn't have been there in the first place. He should have been able to fight off Gatenmaru! If he hadn't been so pathetic, so weak-
"Yash?"
Miroku's voice cut through his thoughts. He shook his head and took the monk's arm over his shoulder, helping him onto Kirara's back. The others followed suit, and he directed them towards the cliff face of one of the mountains. Kirara touched down in front of the cave, partially hidden amongst the rocks, and they all peered inside. It was small but not too shallow, with a flat ground where they could easily lie down to sleep.
"You knew this was here?" Miroku prompted gently.
"Lived here for a couple years awhile back," Inuyasha shrugged.
They looked silently at one another before Sango broke the tension by hopping off Kirara's back. "This will work nicely for the time being. Kirara and I should grab some firewood before the rain starts, but first we need to clean your wound."
Right. Inuyasha glance down at his stomach and winced. He didn't particularly want to look at it again. Even the faint smell of moth poison clinging to his robes made him sick. He shirked off his suikan and hadagi, and heard a gasp from the others. He looked down to see a deep, red scar slashed across the skin of his abdomen. No bleeding. No infection. No irritation from the poison.
"I don't get it," Inuyasha sighed, running his fingers gently over the newly-formed scar.
"Your youki heals your wounds," Miroku reminded him softly. "It's there to help you survive."
"Yeah," he grumbled, plopping himself down on the cave floor. "But if it's such a survival mechanism, why does it make me want to fight and kill?"
"I imagine it could help you escape as well," Miroku shrugged. "Most threats will follow you, though. Your instincts are likely based on what you've experienced in life."
"My instincts don't tell me to kill," Inuyasha whispered. "Not while I'm me." He looked up at Miroku with shining eyes. "And what about my instincts to protect humans? To protect you all?"
"We don't know," Sango said, joining him on the floor. "You haven't gone after humans who weren't threatening you."
Inuyasha's quiet voice hung in the air. "But I could."
xXx
They were far enough up the cliff that neither of the humans could easily climb up to the cave with an armful of firewood. Inuyasha volunteered, but Sango insisted that she and Kirara would go. She left the blankets with Miroku for him to spread out around the circle of stones that Inuyasha arranged for the fire pit. Miroku then began laying the contents of his robes out to dry – particularly the unused bandages that Sango had washed the moth poison from – and Inuyasha sat at the mouth of the cave, looking out at the dark forest and cloudy night sky.
He startled when Shippo sat down beside him. The kit had been so quiet that he'd almost forgotten he was there.
"That was pretty scary today," Shippo said, following his gaze outside.
Inuyasha's gut twisted. "Yeah."
"Kirara kept me and the human boy away from the village," he continued. "She wouldn't let us help, even though we both wanted to. I thought that moth demon was going to kill you and Miroku. And the bandits were everywhere."
Inuyasha blinked slowly. "That's what scared you? Us being in danger? Not…?"
"They would have killed all of us if you hadn't stopped them," the kit said with an odd, solemn certainty.
"They were humans."
"And I'm a demon," Shippo pointed out. "You kill demons all the time, but I'm not worried when I'm around you, because I know you only fight the demons that would hurt us. Miroku and Sango should feel the same way about you with humans!"
Inuyasha sighed, a half-smile twisting his lips despite himself. "I wish it was that simple, kiddo. I really do. But I couldn't control what I was doing. It's not the same as when I usually fight. I'm dangerous."
"It's based on your instincts, right?" Shippo shrugged. "Then you won't attack us. You're a dog demon and we're your pack. It wouldn't make sense for you to turn on your own pack."
Despite its flaws, the childish logic did make him feel a little better. A little.
xXx
It was pouring by the time Sango and Kirara returned. The wood was damp and refused to light to the point where Kirara had to transform over it several times to get the fire going. They all huddled close, blinking the smoke from their eyes. Shippo was the first to drift off, but the others found it difficult to follow suit. Everything hung in the air around them, heavy and unresolved, but there was nothing more they could say.
Miroku's hand found its way to the top of Inuyasha's head, massaging his scalp and slowly stroking his soft ears. Inuyasha resisted at first, but soon found that he didn't have the energy to put up a fight. His churning emotions had settled into a dull hollowness that left him exhausted and drained. He just wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. Every time he closed his eyes, he worried that he'd open them somewhere else, surrounded by bodies again. He gradually leaned heavily into Miroku and eased him to the ground to lay half on top of him. He couldn't sleep, but with Miroku's arms resting on his back and his ear pressed against the even heartbeat, he could let go.
Sango was the first to fall asleep. Her back was to the cave wall opposite him, Hiraikotsu next to her, Shippo and Kirara cuddling on her lap. For some reason, her falling asleep put him at ease. She trusted him enough to take her eyes off him. That had to mean something.
Miroku stayed awake for half the night. He was silent throughout, but occasionally he'd play with Inuyasha's hair or run his hands up and down his back. Inuyasha suspected that he knew he was awake as well. Having him so close was a balm on Inuyasha's tattered nerves, but he should also be resting. Though the insect venom was long gone from his system, he still hadn't fully recovered. Inuyasha could feel the slight frailty in his arms, hear the faint wheeze in his breath.
They should never have left that village, even with their useless healer and hostile glares. Inuyasha should have stood his ground. He should have fought to protect his wounded partner and pack! The one time he'd run from something, and look where it got him! Miroku was right – fighting was what he did best, and his youki instincts knew it. He couldn't afford to back down. Not when he had so much to lose.
Eventually, Miroku drifted off as well. Inuyasha blinked slowly into the fire, letting his mind wander but careful of where it might go. Every so often, he saw Kirara open her eyes to blink back at him before settling down again. Shippo murmured and turned over in his sleep, a tiny hand whacking her in the face. She groomed the kit's hair for a while before she finally fell asleep. Sango woke a few times after that, eyes darting around the cave and the faintest reach for Hiraikotsu before forcing herself to hold back. Inuyasha didn't want to imagine what twisted images his actions had brought back to her mind. He closed his eyes whenever she looked at him – he didn't want guilt to be added to her pain.
Dawn came and brought no answers with it. Inuyasha shifted to his hands and knees as gently as he could, but Miroku still woke with his movements. He blinked up at him softly, openly. Inuyasha reached out and brushed the hair from his eyes, let his fingers trail down Miroku's cheek. It was the sort of moment between them that would normally prompt him to lean down for a kiss, just a simple chaste press of their lips – or whatever version of chaste existed with Miroku around. But he couldn't. Not now. Not yet.
Miroku didn't stop him when he stood, watched him as he walked to the cave entrance. The rain had slowed to a light patter, leaving a thick fog in the cold morning air. The first traces of sunrise were visible through the clouds. Inuyasha sat at the edge of the cliff and simply breathed for a while.
xXx
No one felt particularly eager to leave the cave as the day went on. The rain returned in bursts of showers, they were all exhausted from the day before, and besides, where would they go? There were no Jewel shards around, they couldn't stay in a human village so soon, and they needed shelter for the night. Particularly this night. The new moon always brought with it a certain sense of dread, but Inuyasha didn't even want to think about what emotions his mortal transformation would bring. The last cycle, he'd been thinking about similar things – the safety of his pack, Miroku injured, and the fear of his own demon side. He'd barely been able to handle the barrage of human feelings then, and that was before he'd become a monster.
At least his youki couldn't take over when he was mortal – at least, he didn't think so. It was one night that he didn't have to worry about losing himself. He could focus his energy on protecting his pack in his useless, squishy, overly-emotional human form. Fucking fantastic.
Sango took Kirara and Shippo out fishing when the rain slowed down. Inuyasha pretended not to see the silent conversation she and Miroku had through their eyebrows and significant looks before she left. Subtly had escaped most of them, it appeared. He sat at the edge of the cliff and wasn't surprised at all when Miroku sat next to him, lowering himself down stiffly. He didn't say anything, which meant that Sango's intense glances had been instructions for some time alone, rather than a pointed speech. Just as well.
"I want you to tell me about Buddhism," Inuyasha murmured. "All that meditation garbage and controlling your emotions. You know how to control what you're feeling – if I learn, I might be able to keep from transforming."
The surprise faded from Miroku's expression into a look of gentle understanding, and he nodded. "Meditation techniques can certainly help. Do you want to try it together?"
Inuyasha shook his head, picking restlessly at a loose thread in his robes. "I want you to tell me everything – the rules, the techniques, the point – I wanna do this right."
Miroku was looking at him a little more quizzically, a little guarded. "I grew up as a monk. You can't expect to learn everything in one day. What is it you really want to know?"
Inuyasha shrugged and didn't meet his eyes.
Miroku frowned slightly but looked out over the forest. "Well, there are many things to consider on the path to enlightenment. You have to be aware of all aspects of yourself, from your actions to how you view the world. You must know the influences on your mind, the things you will experience in life. You must understand yourself before any other." He glanced at Inuyasha somberly. "There are the precepts of what to refrain from in an ethical life. Is that what you're wondering about?"
A grimace was his only answer. He sighed.
"Yes, killing is forbidden. All life is sacred, and we should not take what is not ours to take. But you know what else is forbidden?" His eyes were piercing. "Stealing. Lying. Drinking. Some say, even sex. Do you believe that I cannot be Buddhist because of this?"
Inuyasha frowned, confused. "Of course not! That's not what I-"
"I'm not saying that killing those men was right," Miroku cut him off smoothly. "But you can't place blame on yourself for something you did not intend to do. And I would appreciate it if you don't try to use my faith to aid in your guilt. I am here to help you, not chastise you, as your friend and partner. Buddhism is about finding balance in life. Let's focus on that."
Inuyasha growled. "You can't just ignore what I did!"
"I'm not," Miroku said calmly. "And I'm not asking you to forget it or move past it, either – that's not my place. You asked about my faith, so I'm going to tell you the most important part."
His eyes narrowed skeptically. "And what's that?"
"There are four aspects of life that everyone should have the chance to receive – everyone should be happy, healthy, free from danger, and be able to love with ease. To achieve enlightenment, you must show kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. The first stage of loving is to love oneself. Do you see what I'm getting at here?"
"You're saying I should be happy that I killed those men?" Inuyasha asked bitterly.
"I'm saying that all this hatred and blame you have towards yourself is poison. It does nothing but harm you and those who care about you. Nothing can change what happened. Our only course is to learn from the past, but you cannot let it control you."
Inuyasha looked down at his hands. "I can't move on when I don't even remember what I did."
Miroku closed his eyes. "You don't have to move on just yet. Just don't let it destroy you."
Inuyasha drew in a shuddering breath. "I can't stop it."
Miroku leaned closer and wrapped his arms around him. "I know. You're doing the best you can. Just let it happen."
Neither of them moved for a long time. Inuyasha hid his face in Miroku's chest and tried to stop the shudders running through him. He focused on Miroku's deep, even breaths, and tried his hardest to match them. Eventually, he heard the others returning. He pulled back just enough that he wasn't entirely shielded by Miroku, but kept their sides from their shoulders down their legs pressed together.
When Kirara touched down gently beside them, Miroku gave Inuyasha an appraising look. "Sango?" he asked gently. "Would you be able to prepare the food? I think we need to stretch our legs before the rain returns."
"Can you even walk yet?" Inuyasha asked suspiciously, helping him up.
"Well enough," Miroku smiled. "Though perhaps you could give me a hand down the cliff?"
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and maneuvered the monk onto his back. It was the first time they'd been in this position in months. Rather than hold on to Inuyasha's shoulders as he'd done before, Miroku draped his arms over his chest and shamelessly buried his face in the side of the hanyou's neck. Inuyasha carefully gripped his legs and hopped down the cliff to the forest below. At Miroku's request for a "nice spot," he sniffed his way to a wide clearing by a small stream. He'd been there many times before, some sixty years ago. It hadn't changed too much.
They sat by the stream on the damp grass. Inuyasha copied Miroku's cross-legged meditation pose, wondering what was going to happen next. The monk shifted slightly so that they were facing each other.
"I want you to follow my breathing," he said calmly.
Inuyasha did. Just like before, he let the slow, steady rhythm wash over him. Breathe in, and the scent of rain and earth and Miroku washed over him. Hold, and he was floating on nothingness, bound only by the faint murmur of the river and Miroku's heartbeat. Breathe out, and some of the tension fell from his shoulders. He started to feel calm, relaxed.
"Now," Miroku said, drawing him back to the present. "I want you to tell me how you feel."
All the tension came flooding back. "Why?"
"Because you won't be able to meditate when your mind is in turmoil. If you try to focus too much, I'm worried that you'll go to a bad place. I want to keep you here for now, but I need you to be honest about what you're feeling."
Inuyasha's lip curled distastefully and his ears flicked back. "What good is that gonna do?"
"It will help you," Miroku answered evenly. "Which will help everything else. There will always be suffering, but there will also be a path to stop it. We're going to find that path together."
It went against every instinct he had. Why should he dump all the hurt inside him onto someone else? It wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't fix anything, just made Miroku feel bad as well. But then, the distinctly Miroku-sounding voice in his head reminded him, hadn't they agreed to be open with each other? Wouldn't he want to know if Miroku was going through something similar? Hadn't he begged his partner to share with him in the past?
Fuck.
"Fine," he grumbled, not looking at the monk. "I feel guilty for killing those men." Miroku inclined his head to keep going. "I also feel guilty for you being there, especially when you're still recovering. I feel guilty for making Sango watch another massacre. I feel guilty for scaring Shippo and turning someone he looked up to into a monster. I'm angry at myself for not being able to keep my youki under control. I'm furious that I'm so weak, even after so much training."
His breathing was growing rapid, his claws digging into the damp earth.
"And I'm fucking terrified of myself. All my life, everyone was always telling me that I was a mistake – that hanyou shouldn't exist. I fought so hard to prove them wrong, but what if they were right? I can't control myself! I don't even know myself anymore! I'm losing everything I ever had – things I never expected to have in the first place, and things I never thought I could lose. And I know that eventually I'm going to lose you, too – no, I'm serious! One way or another, this is going to destroy my pack, and I almost want to chase you off now rather than watch you all become disgusted with me. Or what if I kill you? I can't-"
"Inuyasha," Miroku said firmly. "Come back."
He looked away, blinking furiously. Fucking stupid. He should never have opened his mouth. So stupid.
"None of that," Miroku chided gently, taking Inuyasha's hand in both of his. "I asked you to tell me, and I'm glad I did. You have every right to feel everything that you're feeling."
Inuyasha shook his head, eyes stinging, swallowing hard. "But I don't know what to do. I can't stop it from happening again, but I can't let myself hurt anyone else. And I can't watch you all hate me-"
"Stop," Miroku murmured. "Stop and take a breath." He waited for Inuyasha to comply before continuing. "You remember what I told you back when you were worried about Kouga? I told you that if I was unhappy with you, I'd tell you. I promised. Now, I can't say that watching your transformation didn't frighten me, but I don't hate you, and I'm not afraid of you, or disgusted by you, or any of the other awful things you fear. If I start to feel that way, I will tell you. If I feel that I need to leave the pack, I will tell you. And I can promise that the others will do the same. That's one part that you don't need to worry about."
"That's almost worse," Inuyasha whispered, voice choked. "You need to stay away from me. I'll transform again and kill you."
"You won't," Miroku said, and his voice had gained a steely edge. "We won't let you. What happened with the bandits was as much our fault as it was yours – we should have moved earlier to intervene. And I'm not saying we should be blamed – and neither should you. Just as you were not in control of your actions, we were put in an unfamiliar and difficult situation. Sango, Kirara, and I will be prepared next time. If you can't trust yourself, then trust in us. We won't let you harm anyone, including yourself."
And Inuyasha broke. He fought against the few errant tears that escaped him, bit down hard enough on his lip that he tasted blood. "I can't put that on you. I can't have you putting yourselves between me and whatever I'm trying to kill. I'll rip right through you."
"You won't," Miroku said. "We'll all work together to make sure that won't happen. And you and I can work together to try and prevent you from transforming at all. I can look into making sutras that will disperse your youki. We will work this out together."
Miroku pulled Inuyasha into his arms as he shook apart. The harder he fought against the sobs clawing at his throat, the more violently they ripped free. The world felt like it was crashing around him and it wouldn't stop. Miroku held him tightly, an unwavering presence and the only thing keeping Inuyasha grounded anymore.
Little by little, the swirl of fear and panic and pain quieted. Miroku's hands shifted from his back to his ears, petting softly, encouraging a few more tears to fall. Inuyasha's breath hitched once more and he shuddered. He eventually pulled back and Miroku let him. He offered a broken smile which Miroku returned.
"Alright," the monk said, breaking the heavy silence. "What do you need? Do you want to stay here for a while, or go back to the others?"
Inuyasha looked away, a little uneasily. "I guess we should head back soon. I just…I need a little time to think. On my own?"
Miroku nodded instantly, and a little anxious coil in Inuyasha's chest eased in relief. The monk squeezed his hand one last time and stood, waving him off as he moved to help. Inuyasha closed his eyes and listened to his quiet footfalls travel across the clearing, making it back into the forest before they paused. There was a small shuffle, and Inuyasha turned to see him making his way back towards him, something cupped in his hands. Inuyasha craned his neck to see what it was, but then Miroku knelt down and placed the large red flower on his knee. It was a wild camellia, knocked from its bush by the heavy rains. The only flower still blooming so late in autumn. Inuyasha opened his mouth, but no words came. It didn't matter. Miroku pressed a kiss to his temple and walked away once more.
Inuyasha closed his eyes as a few more tears slipped down his cheeks.
xXx
Sango readjusted the fish over the fire for the tenth time. She was determined to keep herself focused on the here and now, but that was difficult with Shippo asleep, Kirara grooming herself, and the rest of her companions off who-knows-where. She knew that Miroku would be handling things, which meant that she would have to handle him when he inevitably ran himself into the ground. It was the night of the new moon, which meant that no one would be getting much sleep. Inuyasha would insist that he was fine to travel the next day, unless persuaded otherwise for the sake of someone else. Miroku wouldn't be a willing participant in her plot unless he knew it was to allow Inuyasha to rest. Shippo wouldn't object to staying put for another day, at least, and she knew that she could count on Kirara.
For now, she would make sure that they all ate something. She poked at the fish a little moodily and watched them roast. Kirara lifted up her head with a trill and, after a moment to listen, got up and padded outside. Good. Miroku was back – but not Inuyasha? The hanyou would've brought them both up together. She hoped that wasn't a bad sign. She ground her teeth and waited testily for Kirara to bring Miroku up the cliff. She turned to the monk as soon as he emerged into the cave. "How's he doing?"
Miroku sighed and knelt down beside her. "Well, he cried over a flower, so I'd say middling."
Sango frowned. "That doesn't sound too bad…"
He turned to her flatly. "Have you ever cried over a flower, Sango?"
"No," she replied instantly. "All my crying is reserved strictly for squirrels and small birds."
"Fair enough," Miroku said with a tired grin, before the humour faded from his eyes. "He's better, I think. It'll take some time."
"He's alone now?"
"Not too far away," he shrugged. "He said he needed to think. He's still processing everything – he still can't remember what happened."
Sango swallowed and asked cautiously "You think he'll do anything stupid?"
"I don't think so," Miroku sighed. "He was thinking about leaving – or forcing us to go. I think I've convinced him that it's better if we all stay together, at least for now."
"Well, that's something at least."
xXx
The sun set on the other side of the mountain, so Inuyasha couldn't see it happen, but he felt it. He felt the world turn dark and dull, felt his youki settle down as his emotions ran rampant through his mind. And yeah, just like he thought, it was the worst. He bit the inside of his cheek and curled his hands into fists, the blunt nails digging into his palms, to keep from breaking down again. He wouldn't allow himself to be to be that weak again. He was just a disgrace.
Miroku and Sango had taken up positions near the cave entrance and were chatting quietly, their weapons on their laps. Inuyasha clutched Tessaiga, even though he knew it wouldn't transform for him that night. He just needed to feel it close. He'd been continually checking that it was there ever since… Well. It was just another thing to worry about. He'd gotten better at handling the sword, at least, but it was still heavy more often than not. Even in its lighter moments, it was more than double weight it used to be. He was slower with it than before, all his training wasted if he couldn't even use it when he fought.
And he needed to be able to use it. He could never let it go again. He couldn't risk it. He knew that if he was going to risk staying with his pack, to work things out together as Miroku had said, he needed to be stronger than ever before. He had to master the Tessaiga so there was no way he would be put in the position to transform again.
As the night wore on, Miroku came to sit beside him, Kirara taking his post next to Sango at the mouth of the cave. He gently pressed Inuyasha's head down to rest on his shoulder, smiling when he met no resistance. Inuyasha tried to focus on his breathing, to not let the emotions run over him, but it didn't work. He was restless, the usual anxiety from the new moon compounding his other fears. There was an itch under his skin, the need to move.
It didn't take long before he started pacing. He considered asking Sango to spar again, but throwing weapons around didn't seem like the best idea for anyone's nerves. He wished he could just go outside, run through the forest and burn off some of his energy, but he couldn't risk anyone seeing him. Besides, he was exhausted. He should have listened to Sang when she tried to get him to sleep that afternoon.
He ended up sitting at the edge of the cliff, letting the autumn breeze flow over him as he watched what looked like an owl circling overhead. Miroku sat with him for a while, then let him be. Inuyasha knew that he was trying to give him what he wanted, either company or space. In truth, Inuyasha himself didn't know what he wanted – both to be left alone and to be held safely in Miroku's arms. He wanted things to be right again, to be as they had been, but every time Miroku's eyes fell to his lips, he felt sick. It was better to watch the few birds as they passed, to imagine what it would be like to fly and to forget about the rest of the night.
Eventually, he heard footsteps again, and looked over his shoulder to see Sango approaching.
"You looked like you needed company," she said, sitting down beside him. She caught his glance back inside the cave and smiled. "I convinced him to rest for a while."
Inuyasha frowned suspiciously. "And he listened to you?"
"Of course not. I threatened him a bit. And promised that you'd try to get some rest as well."
"That's cheating."
"Yup."
He huffed a quiet laugh and looked back out into the night. Everything was calm and quiet. He wondered how the villagers were faring. The rain would have put out the fires, but did they have enough houses left undestroyed to give them shelter? Did they have any food, or had the bandits taken it all? Would they be able to survive the upcoming winter?
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. It didn't make a difference. He could never go back there again.
"Inuyasha?" Sango asked softly, drawing his attention. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry."
"What for?" he asked suspiciously.
Her jaw clenched. "After the last new moon. You asked me to make sure that you wouldn't hurt anyone."
He huffed. "That's not something you need to apologize for. It's not your fault that I was out of control."
"No, it's not," she sighed. "But still. Miroku and I have been talking. If it happens again, we're going to be ready."
"Miroku said the same thing," Inuyasha grimaced. "Just don't let him be stupid, Sango. Watch out for him when I can't."
She smiled softly. "I always do."
xXx
Inuyasha leant back against the cave wall, gently massaging Miroku's scalp, the monk's head in his lap. He eased his fingers from his hair just long enough to watch his nails grow back into claws. Miroku's eyes blinked open and he gave him a small smile before slipping shut once more. Sango stood from her post at the edge of the cliff and walked with Kirara deeper into the cave, sending him a nod as she passed. He took a moment to let the sounds and scents of his pack wash over them, reassuring him that nothing had drastically changed through the night.
He lifted Miroku's head from his lap and carefully laid him back down on the blanket. Miroku hummed slightly and rolled closer to the fire. Inuyasha tossed a few more branches into the flames and walked out to the cliff. He watched the sun as it rose, watched the birds weaving in and out of the clouds. He waited until Miroku's heartbeat slowed once more, until Sango's breathing deepened and she curled tighter around Shippo and Kirara. Then he stood. He looked over them all, just to be sure, and flexed his fingers. He scratched a few quick characters into the wall, his claws digging into the stone. He stepped back to admire his work, and glanced over his pack one last time.
Kirara was watching him with narrowed eyes. He frowned, shook his head. She blinked at him and lowered her head back to rest on her paws, tucking her tail neatly over her nose. He nodded in thanks. And he left.
xXx
The smoke stung his eyes. The molten ground burned his feet as he walked. He ignored it. The acrid smell of the lava had drawn him here. He knew the old demon changed his forge every so often, but he was prepared to go through them all one by one. He looked down at his claws – the phantom traces of blood still remained. His hand curled into a fist. Never again.
It seemed he was in luck – steam rose from the inside of the giant demon's scull resting in the middle of the volcano floor. He ducked under the protruding teeth from the skull's upper jaw, wrinkled his nose as the wave of heat which greeted him.
"Hey, you there, Totosai?"
The old demon glanced over his shoulder, his hammer in one hand, a red-hot sword in the other.
"We need to talk," Inuyasha said, coming to a stop behind him.
"Ah, yes," Totosai said, oddly solemn. "I expected you would come."
He gestured for Inuyasha to take a seat. Inuyasha did, jaw clenched, a pit in his stomach. He watched the old demon cool down the sword in a pit of water gouged into the earth, and set it aside for the time being. When Totosai held out his hand for Tessaiga, he hesitated for a moment before pulling the sword and sheath from where he'd tied it at his waist. Totosai examined the sword for a moment, then his eyes snapped up to Inuyasha.
"If you haven't managed to break it again, why are you here?"
"I need you to make Tessaiga lighter," he muttered. "I need to be able to use it like I could before you fixed it with my fang."
"What?" Totosai exclaimed indignantly. "You're still having trouble wielding it? I'm so disappointed in you. How can you let the weight hinder you still?"
Inuyasha swallowed the growl in his throat as his vision flashed red. He forced himself to take a breath. "Shaddup, you old codger. I know I'm not good enough for your precious sword, but tough. You gotta make it lighter for me, because I can't. There must be something you can do!"
Totosai scoffed. "Why don't you figure it out yourself?"
"I'm in a hurry!" he shouted. Swallowed. Looked down at his hands. "I don't want to transform again."
"Ah," Totosai said quietly, almost sympathetically.
"There was a demon. I couldn't master the Tessaiga, so I was trapped. I totally lost control of myself. I- I killed humans." His voice broke. "I don't wanna go through that again."
There was the fainted click, and then a pinch at his neck. He clamped his hand down and sighed as he pulled the flea away. "Myoga…"
"Master Inuyasha, nice to taste you again," he grinned.
"So this is where you've been hiding out?" Inuyasha grumbled. "Thanks a lot for lying to me about the sword, by the way."
The flea's eyes darted nervously to Tessaiga. "What do you mean?"
"Don't act innocent!" Inuyasha snapped. "You're the one who told Miroku and Sango about Tessaiga keeping me in check."
Myoga clicked his tongue and shook his head. "I should have known better than to trust them to secrecy."
Inuyasha couldn't suppress his snarl. "You had no right to keep that from me – not that it matters anymore. Knowing the truth won't help me keep hold of my sword." He picked Tessaiga up from the ground. "I gotta master it, or else…" He shook his head. "It's the only way."
Totosai hummed and leaned back, crossing his arms. "You've put quite some thought into this, haven't you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that leaves but one choice," he sighed, looking up at the roof of the forge before lowering his gaze to Inuyasha. "You must kill Ryukotsusei."
"What?" Myoga gasped, jumping to his feet. "You can't be serious!"
Totosai surveyed him levelly. "Myoga, it's the only way."
xXx
When Sango opened her eyes, she immediately knew something was off. Her gaze darted through each of her companions, and they were not as she had left them. Kirara sat at the mouth of the cave, looking out into the forest beyond, and Inuyasha was gone.
"Miroku!" she called, scrambling to her feet.
He was awake in an instant, and she saw the flash of fear on his face. "Where is he?"
Kirara looked back at them both calmly. Sango's stomach dropped. She and Miroku followed her gaze to a few shallow marks on the wall.
"Totosai?" Miroku read aloud, and frowned.
"You think he's really gone after him?" Sango asked nervously.
"No doubt he wants to make Tessaiga lighter," he said, running a hand down his face. "We spoke about ways of keeping him from transforming. He would have gone to Totosai for help."
Sango watched him carefully. "What do you think we should do?"
His lips thinned as he pressed them together. "He's gone to Totosai before on his own. If he wanted us there, he wouldn't have snuck out. I think he needs some time alone to think."
Sango didn't bother pointing out how unconvinced he sounded. "But you can find him again if we need to, right? With the beads?"
"If I have to. It usually means that something's wrong when I summon him. I won't unless there's reason to suspect that is the case."
But she could see the unease in every line of his body as he sat back down by the fire. Her instincts were telling her to go, not to let a friend go through unknown danger alone. She tried to tell herself that Miroku was right – Inuyasha knew how to take care of himself, and Totosai hardly posed a threat. She tried to ignore the last time one of her friends had gone off on his own, at the break of dawn, without telling anyone, and what a disaster that had been.
By the evening, they took turns pacing the length of the cave.
Throughout the night, Miroku kept on reaching for the nenju beads with his mind, just to reassure himself that he still could.
By the next morning, they decided that they had waited long enough.
xXx
A demon his father had battled some two hundred years ago. How was fighting some crusty old daiyoukai that his father sealed away going to make Tessaiga lighter? Totosai said that it was his own fang weighing down the sword because he wasn't as powerful as his father. How would killing one demon fix that?
Inuyasha stalked through the forest in frustration. "You sure you know the way, Myoga?" he grumbled.
"Of course I do!" the flea snapped from his position on the nenju beads. "I am the keeper of your father's memory. I know the site of all his greatest battles."
"And you really think that destroying some demon will make me surpass him in strength?"
Myoga scoffed. "Now listen, Master Inuyasha. To 'destroy' the demon, all you have to do is stab the demon's heart. He still lies dormant from where your father left him, his powers sealed away by your father's claw. There is no need to be rash."
"I don't even have to fight him?" Inuyasha asked incredulously. "Then why did you get in such a huff back at Totosai's? Come to think of it, why didn't you tell me about this earlier? What else have you been keeping from me?"
"Even being near Ryukotsusei is a terrible risk," Myoga warned. "It took every last speck of his strength for Lord Tōga just to put this demon under a seal. He wasn't even able to deliver the finishing blow!"
"So now I'm the one stuck with slaying him like a coward?" Inuyasha growled distastefully. He didn't like the idea of fighting a defenseless opponent at the best of times, but now the thought made him sick to his stomach.
"It doesn't matter what Totosai said," Myoga told him sternly. "You are not your father. Slaying Ryukotsusei may make Tessaiga stronger, but you have no hope of defeating him in equal combat."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence." He looked down at the flea thoughtfully. "You think this will really stop the transformation?"
"Not directly," Myoga admitted. "But making the sword more powerful will allow you to escape from situations which would normally trigger your youki."
Well, it wasn't as though he had a choice.
The dense forest gradually thinned as he moved further up the mountain, following Myoga's directions. He leapt across a rapid river and began to climb the steep, rocky mountain face. The cliffs broke off at odd angles, leaving stone spires jutting up into the sky. He had to scale sheer walls of rock more than once – no wonder Totosai had said it was a full day's journey!
He'd left the others the morning before last. It was almost evening. He wondered if they were looking for him. He hoped that his note would buy him enough time to get this over with. He couldn't believe they'd hold back for too long.
"How much further, Myoga?" he growled, huffing for breath.
"Not much," the flea said placatingly. "We'll be able to see it soon."
"I should squash you," he muttered under his breath, and kept climbing.
He pulled himself up one handful of rock after another, and eventually hauled himself over the top of the cliff to the plateau beyond. He rolled onto his back for a moment to catch his breath.
"Master Inuyasha!" Myoga said urgently from his shoulder. "Over there!"
He looked over to the right, to where the plateau dropped off into a short valley. On the other side of the valley, pinned to a cliff, rested a giant dragon. His body stretched twice as long as a tree, the lower half buried deep into the mountain. A mask-like face was embedded on his brow, eyes closed. A huge claw pierced deep into his chest.
"Look where your father's claw sealed him," Myoga said. "His heart contains his powers, which is why the seal has immobilized him. That is where you must strike him."
Inuyasha frowned. He still didn't like this plan, but what else could he do? If killing a sleeping demon meant that he would be able to rely on Tessaiga, to keep his pack safe…
A white-clad figure dropped down from the clifftop above Ryukotsusei, landing lightly on the claw. When he stood, the hollow eyes of the baboon mask stared down at Inuyasha.
"Naraku!" he growled.
The demon's laughter echoed off the walls of the canyon.
"What're you doing here?" Inuyasha spat, venom in his voice.
Naraku cackled and crouched down on the claw, pressing his hands onto the old bone. A dark purple miasma dripped from his fingers, quickly eating through the claw. Naraku looked back at Inuyasha as he lifted into the air, disappearing as quickly as the claw did.
"The claw sealed his power!" Myoga shrieked, tugging earnestly at Inuyasha's necklace. "Run! Quickly, before we're both killed!"
As the last remnants of the seal dripped away, the puncture wound at Ryukotsusei's chest glowed red. A loud heartbeat stuttered back to life. The dragon's giant head shifted from side to side, and both his eyes and the eyes of the mask opened, glowing a deep scarlet. He blinked down at Inuyasha and flexed his claws, his hands as tall as the hanyou.
"Ryukotsusei," Naraku's voice boomed around the valley, and Inuyasha saw him standing back on the cliff above the dragon. "Over there is the son of the demon who hurled you into dormancy. Do with him as you please."
The cliff began to rumble and chunks of rock broke free as Ryukotsusei shifted free.
xXx
"You think this is it?" Miroku asked as they flew towards the volcano.
"This is the only active volcano in the direction he was heading," Sango shrugged. "If he isn't here, Kirara will track him wherever he went next."
"Look down there!" Shippo interrupted urgently, pulling on the collar of Miroku's robes. They all leaned over Kirara's side to see what had drawn his attention. A figure dressed in faded green and black robes rode an ox below them.
"What's he doing out of his forge?" Sango asked as Kirara instantly veered for the old demon.
"Who knows what he does when he's not making swords?" Miroku sighed. "Totosai!"
"Huh?" the demon said, turning to meet them as Kirara touched down behind Mo-Mo. "What are you youngsters doing here?"
"We're looking for Inuyasha, and we thought he may have come to see you," Miroku answered, sliding off Kirara's back.
"Inuyasha, hmm?" Totosai hummed, scratching his head thoughtfully. He closed his eyes and crossed his arms. "Inuyasha…"
None of the others were convinced.
"What are you hiding from us, old man?" Sango asked sternly. "We're not in the mood for games."
"No need for anything dramatic!" Totosai said, shrinking back against Mo-Mo. "He's gone to the Valley of Ryukotsusei."
"Where's that and why would he go there?" Miroku prompted with steel-edged calm.
"To make Tessaiga easier to handle," the old demon shrugged. "He couldn't seem to figure it out on his own, so I sent him to fight one of his father's old enemies for some good old-fashioned training. If he actually manages to win, Tessaiga will certainly be lighter. He might even be able to access a new technique!"
Miroku eyed him suspiciously. "If there was such a simple way to master Tessaiga, why didn't you tell him earlier? The last time you saw him, for example?"
"That'd have been too easy," Totosai shook his head. "He won't learn if I hand him all the answers, now will he?"
"Nothing about this has been easy," Sango growled.
"He's agonized over what has happened, and he came to you for help," Miroku continued.
"That's why I told him what he needed to do," Totosai told them. "If he felt nothing after killing humans, he'd have no right to wield Tessaiga – but he still needs to put in the work on his own. Ryukotsusei is a dangerous opponent for even the most powerful of demons. If Inuyasha kills him while he is dormant, Tessaiga may grow lighter. If he decides to stand and fight a true battle, it would allow him to completely master the sword."
"Did you tell him that he would get stronger by fighting Ryukotsusei when he's not dormant?" Miroku asked, sharing a worried look with Sango.
"I don't believe I mentioned it, why?"
"We need to go after him either way," Sango said, already heading back to Kirara.
"You younglings – always so hasty," Totosai shook his head mournfully. "How is he supposed to learn to fight his own battles if you go running in to save him all the time? It's better to let him be."
Sango blinked. "Well screw that."
"Your advice has been noted," Miroku grumbled at the old demon as he climbed onto Kirara's back behind her.
"Wait, where are you going?" Totosai called up to them as Kirara lifted off the ground. "You don't even know where the valley is!"
Miroku and Sango exchanged a glance – he was right. Well, there was only one thing to do about that.
xXx
"Run, Master Inuyasha!" Myoga begged from his shoulder. "Run!"
"What?" Inuyasha scoffed, crouching down as a wave of dust flew from the crumbling mountain. "No way! I gotta fight him, and this way is much better than slaying a defenseless demon like some pathetic coward!" He pulled Tessaiga from its sheath and raised his voice. "You hear that, Ryukotsusei? I'm gonna take you out!"
"Inuyasha," the dragon rumbled thoughtfully, his voice coming from the mask at his brow. "You think that you can destroy me?" He chuckled. "How very entertaining. I shall have some fun with you."
"Fun?" Inuyasha echoed.
Then Ryukotsusei lunged. He struck like a snake, jaws snapping at where Inuyasha stood. Inuyasha leapt to the side, barely dodging the attack. The ground shattered from the impact, the plateau he'd been standing on breaking apart entirely. Inuyasha twisted in the air, landing the only place he could – on Ryukotsusei's outstretched neck. He ran down the dragon's body, pulling on his youki to keep him upright as he aimed for the heart. Ryukotsusei's head snaked around and struck at him. Inuyasha leapt off him, onto the face of the closest cliff. He ran to keep his footing on the sheer surface, and he could sense Ryukotsusei watching him.
"You shall indeed prove amusing," the dragon grinned, and his jaw dropped, revealing two jagged rows of teeth. A white light began to emerge from the back of his throat, and Inuyasha could feel the immense pull of the dragon's youki through the air. A ball of sizzling energy formed in his gaping mouth before shooting at the cliff. Inuyasha jumped into the air, a feral grin spreading across his face as the rocks burst apart below him.
But Ryukotsusei was laughing. Inuyasha looked over his shoulder, following the path of the energy blast through the cliff, through the air, and just in time to see it catch Naraku. The baboon-clad figure dissolved instantly. Inuyasha growled for good measure, but he knew better than to think it was the real Naraku. That monster's scent was nowhere in the valley.
"Only a demon puppet," Ryukotsusei said mournfully. "Hardly a worthy opponent."
Inuyasha landed on the valley floor, somewhat less optimistic that he had been moments earlier. The dragon hadn't even been aiming for him, and he'd almost killed him.
"Little man," Ryukotsusei's voice echoed from above him. "I hope you'll provide more amusement than he could."
Inuyasha snarled, his vision flashing red at the mocking name. "More than happy to oblige you!"
Ryukotsusei opened his mouth and roared, loud enough to shake the cliffs and leave Inuyasha's ears ringing. He tightened his grip on Tessaiga as the dragon lowered his head to look back down at him.
"Come at me, little man!" he demanded. "Don't deny me my entertainment!"
Inuyasha growled and charged. He leapt for the still-open wound left by his father's claw – if he could just hit that spot, he could win! The Tessaiga would be lighter! He would be safe!
He struck at Ryukotsusei's chest, hitting the spot dead-on. His sword bounced off the dragon's hide like a twig. Energy burst from the old wound, throwing him back and knocking him to the ground. He gasped at the impact and slid to a stop along the rocky ground. Tessaiga's blade rang from the impact.
Ryukotsusei laughed. "It is useless, no matter how hard you try. My body is harder than steel!"
His jaws dropped open again and another orb of energy began forming in his throat. His head reared back and shot forward, sending the blast of energy hurling forward like an arrow. Inuyasha launched to his feet and pushed into the air, but the blast struck just below him, the impact sending him flying. He flipped through the air and landed on a narrow shelf of rock on another of the cliffs, breathing ragged.
"Master Inuyasha, we don't stand a chance!" Myoga's voice shouted pleadingly from somewhere tangled in his hair.
"Save it," Inuyasha growled, somewhat surprised that the flea was still even there.
"I told you, your father could barely face Ryukotsusei long enough to seal his power!" Myoga cried. "The wounds inflicted upon Lord Tōga during the battle were ultimately what killed him!"
"What?" he gasped, ice flooding his veins. He'd never…
"He perished, did he?" Ryukotsusei asked, his head snaking forward in front of Inuyasha. "Little man, don't tell me you've come to avenge him with that ridiculous little sword."
Inuyasha scoffed, lifting Tessaiga. "Sorry to break it to ya, but I don't even remember my old man's face! As if I'd even care about avenging him!"
"How dare you!" Myoga demanded, jumping onto his nose. "You've been saved countless times by the very sword your father gifted you!"
"Stop interfering!" Inuyasha growled warningly.
"Traitorous son!" Myoga gasped, and hurled himself away and bounced down the cliff. "I'll have nothing to do with you!"
Inuyasha watched him in shock, actually feeling bad for a moment before he realized what was happening. "Don't pretend like you're not just running away!" he shouted after the flea, but it was no use.
But Myoga had distracted him enough that he didn't notice Ryukotsusei's tail whipping towards him until it was too late. It crashed into the cliff, slamming Inuyasha into unforgiving rock. He fell as the cliff crumbled, sending a shower of rocks crashing to the ground around him. He coughed and pushed himself back up, ribs aching. He lifted Tessaiga over his head, arms shaking from the strain at the still-heavy sword. No choice. It didn't matter that he was a weak hanyou – that there was no way he could face an enemy that had killed someone as powerful as his father. It didn't matter. He had to destroy Ryukotsusei, sealed away or no.
Even if it killed him, too.
xXx
"Do you feel that?" Miroku asked nervously. A demonic aura, stronger than any he'd ever felt before, pulsed from the mountains before them. It hit him lick a kick in the gut, and he could feel Kirara tense below him.
"That fool!" Totosai wailed from Mo-Mo beside them. "He's awakened Ryukotsusei!"
"He's fighting Inuyasha?" Sango demanded. "Totosai, how much trouble is he in?"
"Like father, like son," the old demon tutted, shaking his head. "What a bad day this is."
"Hurry, Kirara," Sango urged. "He's going to need our help."
"You won't be able to do anything against a demon like that!" Totosai scoffed. "Though I see why you would want to. If Ryukotsusei rises once more, the area will be razed to a field of ashes."
"So how can we possibly hope to defeat him?" Sango asked. "How could Inuyasha stop him?"
"Only Ryukotsusei's own power would be strong enough to defeat him. Inuyasha must use the Backlash Wave."
"What's that?" Miroku asked sharply.
"A powerful technique of the Tessaiga."
"Even stronger than the Wind Scar?" Sango prompted.
"That depends entirely on how powerful the opponent is," Totosai shrugged. "If their power is greater than the Wind Scar, then the Backlash Wave will be more powerful as well. It simply throws the other's power back at them."
"How do you know all this?" Miroku asked. "Did you test all this with the Tessaiga when you made it? Or do you instill these techniques in all your swords?"
"No time for stupid questions," the old demon huffed. "It doesn't matter how powerful the Backlash Wave is if Inuyasha can't use it."
"He's barely been able to use the Wind Scar since the Tessaiga was repaired," Miroku said.
Totosai looked up at the sky and sighed. "Then I suppose it's impossible."
xXx
Ryukotsusei shot blast after blast of sizzling white energy at Inuyasha, who could barely outrun the attacks. They were approaching faster and faster, to the point where he could feel their heat at his back. One caught the ground right below his feet and he fell with a cry as the rock crumbled. He fell hard, shaking from exertion. He groaned as he tried to push himself back up, but his arms weren't cooperating.
"Pitiful," Ryukotsusei rumbled. "This is more tedious than I expected. I thought that killing the son of Lord Tōga would bring me some satisfaction, but it means nothing to destroy a weakling like you."
Inuyasha heaved Tessaiga over his shoulder and ran with a shout. Ryukotsusei's hand shot out and caught him easily. The claws wrapped around his torso, crushing his ribs. Inuyasha pierced Tessaiga into one of his fingers, the blade glowing amber, but just as before, it couldn't pierce through his hide. Ryukotsusei slammed him into the cliff, and Inuyasha's vision whited out. He could feel his ribs fracture. He couldn't breathe. Ryukotsusei pushed harder and the rock began to crack from the strain. Inuyasha knew that his spine wouldn't be too far behind.
The dragon pulled back carelessly, letting Inuyasha fall to the ground. The rush of air brought him back to his senses and he coughed. He tried to lift Tessaiga but his hand clenched around nothing. His eyes snapped open and he grasped wildly for the sword – it was just within reach, falling right beside him. So close! Tessaiga! He couldn't lose the sword again! He couldn't!
Tessaiga struck the ground and Inuyasha followed a heartbeat later. A small sound of pain was ripped from his throat, but he still reached for the sword. He heard the crackle of energy as Ryukotsusei produced another blast. He could do nothing as it flew towards him and struck him into nothingness.
xXx
A deep rumbling came from the mountains as they approached. Light illuminated the cliffs in waves.
"Over there!" Sango shouted, and Kirara dove for the valley.
The silhouette of an enormous dragon stood out against the darkening sky. Broken rock littered the ground around him. Miroku could just make out a dash of red amongst the grey. Inuyasha wasn't moving.
Ryukotsusei didn't so much as glance at them as Kirara and Mo-Mo hovered in the air above him. He was looking down at Inuyasha scornfully.
"How pathetic," he said in a low, rumbling voice. "Dead already."
Miroku's heart clenched. No!
But then a pulse of youki shot through the valley, cutting through even Ryukotsusei's immense aura. The dragon reared back, eyes widening.
"Inuyasha!" Miroku shouted, careless of the attention he might draw. Because Inuyasha was injured. He was barely conscious. His youki was taking over.
And he wasn't holding Tessaiga.
Another wave of youki shot from the hanyou, and his eyes snapped open. They were blood red.
Inuyasha didn't know where he was. He didn't know what had happened. All he knew was rage and pain and the sound of Miroku screaming his name.
Miroku, bursting into the room wielding a metaphysical bat: You'd better be loving yourself, or I'm gonna have to hit you with the loving stick!
Inuyasha: What the fu-
Miroku: Are we sometimes enablers? Yes. Are we huge hypocrites? Of course! Do we know what we're doing? Not at all! Are we good at this? That's hilarious – have you met us? But I can tell you…uh… I forgot where I was going with this.
Sango, kicking down the door holding a giant sword: Did someone order the anti-blame poker?
Also, guess whose new pain meds activated her heart condition? *This idiot!* Gotta love having multiple conditions. Keeps things exciting
