I walked to the infirmary where Theodore Nott was sitting up from his bed and sipping on lukewarm soup. He heard the clacking of my shoes against the marble floors because he turned to face me.
He looked somewhat embarrassed.
"Theodore" I greeted him with a nod.
"I know why you're here" he grumbled setting his spoon down. "I'm going to tell you this once" he pointed at me, "and you better listen. I do not need your help and I am doing just fine on my own."
I nodded in understanding. Does that mean I would listen? Hell no.
"I understand what you're saying and just know that I don't give a shit what you say and I will be helping you whether you like it or not."
He groaned. "I don't need help. This was just a one time thing."
I heard more clacking of heels on the marble floors to see Blaise Zabini walk in with Draco Malfoy.
I waved to Blaise who waved at me back, but Malfoy looked at me like I was some sort of diseased animal. It hurt.
"Blaise come here" Theo said. "Tell your idiotic friend that I don't need help."
"No" I paused him. "Tell your dumbass drug addicted-"
"Hey I am not addicted."
"Tell him that he needs fucking help."
"Mate" Blaise put a hand on Theo's shoulder. "You need help and lots of it."
"It wasn't anything serious. I'm fine, seriously guys" he reassured us.
"Well that's a fucking lie" I muttered. "You almost died Theodore."
"Please don't call me Theodore" he said. "And why do you care we aren't friends?"
"Because I was there when you collapsed and had a fucking seizure. I was there when you almost died and I don't want that happening. Not again" I said.
Images of Fred flashed into my mind. All of our memories. The times we pranked Ron and the Slytherins. When we put Spider Spawn Soap in the Slytherin showers and we heard their screams when the spiders were released.
I couldn't have someone die again on my watch. I had a guilty conscience. I wasn't with Fred when he died because the rubble had collapsed on him. I had to watch his family sob over his dead body.
I felt my heart physically stop. I couldn't breathe and I didn't want to live. My heart felt like it stopped working. I didn't think I could ever feel love in the slightest ever again and then when I felt the fluttering in my heart for Malfoy I was stunned.
"What do you mean 'not again'?" asked Theo.
"I just don't want to see you have a seizure again. I don't think anyone wants to see that" I said partly true, but not mentioning the part about Fred.
"Yeah mate" Malfoy said agreeing with me.
I turned to him and he avoided my eyes.
"How are you feeling?" Blaise asked clearing the tension.
"Fine" he said. "I just need some weed. Could you go to my room and get some?"
"Theo are you fucking kidding me" I quirked an eyebrow at him. "You almost died because of your extensive drug intake and now you want more. That just proves your addicted."
"I already told you guys that it was a one time thing-"
"Madam Pomfrey said that this can and will happen again if you continue with your drug use" I pushed. "Do you want to die?!"
Theo stayed silent. Why did he stay silent? Why did he not answer the question?
Theo wanted to die. He would have rather the seizure kill him. He wanted to be gone from the world and be engulfed into the flames of hell to be greeted by the dark lord.
He wanted it all to be over. Everyone around him seemed so happy after the war. Everyone seemed like they forgave and forgot, but not Theo. He couldn't forget. He couldn't forget the horrors of the war.
He hated it. He hated himself.
Why?
Because of the stupid mark on his left forearm.
Why?
Because he thought that he deserved to rot inside Azkaban like his bastard father.
Why?
Because he couldn't stand to see his mother withering at his very sight and not being able to do anything about it.
So you ask why?
His life was shit so he wanted an exit.
"Look mate, we'll visit you later" said Blaise. "Get some rest."
And with that Malfoy and Blaise both began to walk away from Theo's bed.
"Wait Malfoy" I called out, but he continued to ignore me no matter how much Blaise tried to convince him to talk to me. It was beginning to annoy the shit out of me that he wouldn't just listen to what I had to say.
"Fine" I sighed. "Fuck you!"
I walked back over to Theo who was watching us intently, trying to figure out and piece together the puzzle.
I picked up a chair, moving it closer to his bed and sitting to face him. "Theo why don't you want to get better?"
"What-"
"Why do you want to die?"
"I don-"
"Your lying."
"No I'm not Wood. If you would just let me speak" he said. "Answer the question for me." I nodded, "what happened?"
"Be more specific" I said.
"With Malfoy."
"Oh" I said in barely a whisper. "Only if you answer my question afterwards."
He nodded his agreement.
"I don't really know. He accused me of playing with his feelings and now won't talk to me" I shrugged with a sigh escaping my lips.
"Were you playing with his feelings?"
"Not intentionally" I said sadly. "I just didn't want to feel like I fancied him because of..."
"Fred Weasley" he finished for me.
I turned to him. He knew?
"You guys were dating, right?"
"Yeah" I solemnly nodded. "Now please talk to me. You need to open up to me in order for me to help you."
"I don't want your help" he dismissed. "But I will tell you because I keep my promises."
"I don't think I deserve to live. I had hoped the drugs would take me out. I hate who I am and what I am" he explained with a tone that I couldn't quite decipher.
"Theo- Can I call you that?" I asked and he nodded his response. "What made you decide to start using drugs?"
"I think it was when the war was over. I was getting nightmares every single night and drugs seemed like the best way to stop the pain in my head. And it also helped when my dad got sent to Azkaban. It's not that I didn't expect it. It's just I hated the fact that some part of me actually missed him- I mean let's be real here. He was a shit person and an even worse father."
"Theo he was your father" I put my hand on his. "Your allowed to miss him. I hate myself sometimes too. I hate that I miss my father as well. I miss the idea of having a father around, but I don't let it destroy me. My father was a bad person, but that doesn't stop me from missing the person he was in my childhood sometimes."
"What happened with yours?" he asked wondering what could possibly be wrong because in his eyes and everyone elses the girl could be labeled flawless, but that was far from true.
"If I am honest with you then you have to be honest with me" I said. "Agree?"
He hesitated for a moment, thinking it over. He knew she was a trustworthy person, but he had never opened up to anyone like this. Not even his best friends. But to his surprise his body nodded. At first he hadn't even registered he had said yes, but he didn't feel himself regretting it.
"Well my father was a muggle and he married my mom and had me and my brother. He didn't know my mother was a witch until Oliver had gotten his Hogwarts letter. My mother was ecstatic, but my father was the complete opposite. When he found out we had magical capabilities he left us, called us some crude names" I explained.
"Oh, I'm sorry" Theo said truthfully.
"Oh it's fine. It was a long time ago" I shook my head. "It doesn't really matter. My mother is happy now and we all are. So what about you?"
"Well I think you could imagine that I didn't have the most loving childhood" he started. It made sense. The stereotypical pureblood family. "My father had promised my mother that I wouldn't have to become a death eater" he whispered the last words as if they were tabooed. "But then that promise was obviously not kept so I did and then the war happened, ya know my dads in Azkaban for the rest of his life and my mom is sick and dying."
"Alls well that ends well" he laughed bitterly.
"Theo let me help you" I said softly boring my eyes into his.
"Why should I?" he asked. "There really is no reason to live at all. Theres nothing for me here in this shit world. On this shit planet" he cried, his voice faltering slightly.
"If your not going to do this for yourself do it for your parents. Your mother already cannot cope with the fact that your father is locked away until the day he dies, what would she do if you died as well? What do you think would happen to her?" I asked softly trying to convince him.
"My mothers already dying. She can barely stand and never looks at me because I remind her to much of father. Every time she looks at my face she bursts into tears. I think she would rather that I die" Theo spoke coldly.
"Then do it for your friends that love you, Theo. Blaise, Draco, and maybe even Pansy."
"I doubt that Pansy would miss me" he scoffed. "Draco barely uttered a word and Blaise, well he'll get over it."
"Theo, stop trying to deflect reasons to live because you deserve to live, as does everyone. Well maybe except Voldemort" she joked trying to diffuse the growing tension and irritability of Theo, though she saw as he flinched at the use of the name.
"Theo I know that you think that your life is not worth saving, but it is. As is everyones no matter their faults. You've changed and its clear to me as it is to everyone" I said in a whisper. "And I am helping you whether you like it or not."
He chuckled slightly holding his stomach. "I can see why Draco likes you so much."
"It doesn't really seem like that these days" I sighed sadly.
"He'll come around. He's a stubborn fellow if I ever knew one and it takes time for him to man up and apologize" Theo explained.
"He's apologized to me once before" I said.
"Wow" Theo said astonished. "He's in deep."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, he doesn't apologize. Draco Malfoy has never apologized to anyone unless out of fear. Your something special Wood" he pointed finger guns at me.
"So Theo when your feeling better I will be helping you, okay?"
"I cave" he said holding his hands up in the air to surrender.
"Yay" I squealed happily. I gave him a kiss on the cheek as a goodbye to leave.
Draco Malfoy was watching from the window of the hospital. He watched as she placed her hand on Theo's looking at him sympathetically. He watched as they chatted intently with understanding and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
How she opened up to him and they talked about personal things. He watched as they connected in a different way then they ever had. He wanted her to be happy and if she was happy with Theo than he would not get in the way of that.
