A/N: As shit as this year has been, I'd say it's been a good year for ATE overall. 17 chapter published, with one as large as three to four regular sized chapters, and I'll probably get another chapter or two out before the end of the year. If I can keep up this output or better, we should reach the final arc sometime next year. I doubt the story will be fully completed by the end of next year, but I'm almost certain that it will be close enough that 2022 will be the last year of ATE.
Chapter 114: Dreaming Of A Second Chance
The two of them talked for a little while longer after Courage's fall. When they had discussed everything that they could think of, Courage decided that it would probably be best to give his brain a bit more of a break, something that Computer wholeheartedly agreed with him on.
While he was trying to fall asleep, he discovered that if he was a little more careful with the whole mental nuzzle thing, he could do so without Computer turning into an angry ball of squirmy ticklishness. Regardless, his companion still complained loudly that he felt like a dog getting scratched behind the ears...but he never demanded that Courage stop either. Even funnier, when he thought that Courage was in that weird in-between place where you're not asleep but you're not really awake either, and he thought that Courage's nuzzle-ness had simply become an automatic motion just before full sleep would bring it to an end, he maybe, ever so slightly, leaned into it a little more.
A golden opportunity to tease him had presented itself, but Courage held back. He wanted to continue this trend where Computer was feeling better about his broken, heavily scarred presence, enough so that he wasn't trying so hard to keep what little distance he could in their cramped living space.
Still...Courage couldn't help himself, if only a little.
Grinning, he muttered, "Goodnight, Compute." and felt his companion freeze like a deer caught in headlights.
Still smiling, Courage snuggled himself in closer against the cracked glass feeling that was Computer and sighed contently.
...Computer had pretty much completely blue screened by that point.
Of course, just when it seemed like Courage was going to be able to drift off into a peaceful, undisturbed sleep, disaster struck.
It took him a moment to sense it. That cracked glass feeling getting worse, deepening, becoming more numerous before...falling away from him.
It seemed that he'd had too much faith that he could do no harm to Computer in their current state, that he could not cause him to fall apart or destabilize his fragile situation.
Outwardly, he screamed. Inwardly, he did everything he could to put as little distance as he was capable of away from that crumbling feeling. On the outside, he began flailing around as though it would actually help separate him from Computer.
The only assurance he had was that he could still feel Computer there. The damage he'd done was not so catastrophic that he'd accidentally killed him. Still, he was terrified to find out what damage he 'did' do.
On the flip side, Computer was now the one finding out what it was like to be completely overwhelmed by foreign panic that was not his own. He could not speak either, because Courage would not stop screaming long enough for him to do so.
Well, as great as Courage's lung capacity was, even he needed to stop screaming to take a breath at some point, and when he did, Computer took control.
"Was that really necessary?" He asked, breathless because Courage was breathless.
"I-" Courage began, clutching a trembling paw to his chest. "I hurt you!" He whimpered.
Computer blinked in surprise at that. "What? No! Goodness, no!"
He tried to make Courage lower his trembling paw, but the moment he released even the slightest control over it, Courage immediately brought it back up to his chest again as though it were a lifeline. Even now his fear and panic was overwhelming.
"You didn't do anything!" Computer desperately tried to assure him. Courage's panicked response was so great that even he was struggling to keep a fearful tremble out of his voice because he was sharing the same everything that was panicking. "What you felt was just the usual wear and tear, erm, wearing and tearing. It had nothing to do with you and I'm perfectly alright. The fortifications we made back in Nowhere are holding. Trust me, it would be much, much worse right now if it was not."
Courage wasn't having any of it. "D-did it hurt?" He asked in a small voice.
"Uh...well, normally I don't feel the degradation when I'm using an organic body, but with the way you were all pressed up against me, I-"
He realized two seconds too late that that was NOT the right thing to say at the moment.
Courage whimpered pathetically and tears blurred their collective vision.
Stifling a mildly annoyed groan, Computer shrugged. "Seriously, Courage. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
The continuous shifting of Courage's body language between the two of them would have made any onlooker think they were watching a mad dog.
Computer crossed Courage's arms with a huff. "You're the one who wanted me to feel better about...all of this, so if we're going to continue to exist like this, it's just something you're going to have to get used to."
Courage took in a deep breath and some of his panic seemed to leave him as he exhaled. He brought his paws together, but they continued to tremble. In spite of Computer's assurance that he was not the cause of the collapse, he still felt awful about it. While he continued to calm down, his paws slowly began to grip each other tighter, and it was not of his own doing.
"You know, you really are good at sending mixed messages." Computer said, feinting his usual huffiness. "After everything you said to try and make me feel better about what I cannot help, the second something happens that I cannot help, you go and panic and make me feel awful for not being able to help it."
"S-sorry." Courage stammered, putting on a small, tremble-y smile.
"Just don't panic like that next time. This isn't fun."
"Now you know how I feel."
"...Well, that was what the internet memes were for."
Courage tried to laugh, but couldn't manage it. He instead collapsed into a heap on the floor, wishing that the SCC would have given him a blanket, if not a bed.
It was much, much harder to try and fall asleep after what just happened. His heart was still beating a mile a minute. On top of that, he was trying to make himself smaller inside of his own head, so that he would not accidentally brush up against Computer's vast presence now. If he had been feeling squished inside of his own brain before, it was so much worse now that he was trying to avoid Computer's far bigger and overbearing presence.
"You don't have to do that." Computer said, after letting him make his futile attempt. "You did not, and cannot, do me much harm in our current state. I'm the one who has to be careful. You had nothing to do with what happened, so you don't need to do...whatever it is that you're doing. Trust me, it's not working. Your brain just isn't big enough for the both of us."
"I-I'm still gonna try." Courage stammered out. "It'll give me a lot more peace of mind after...after..." He trailed off, shivering.
"Courage, seriously." Computer sighed, crossing Courage's arms and shaking his head. "And you say I have a thick skull."
That vast presence began to shift and move.
"Here, look," He said as he moved to completely surround Courage's consciousness.
Before Courage could protest, his consciousnesses was enveloped entirely and that cracked glass feeling pressed in all around him. If he had been feeling claustrophobic before, well...
Computer was making his point perfectly clear. No matter what Courage did, and no matter how much that cracked glass feeling pressed up against him, it did not break. He was not capable of, at least unintentionally, doing any harm. He really did have nothing to be worried about, and this demonstration was offering him some peace of mind. He was becoming less and less anxious with every second that went by.
"See?" Computer said with the hint of a teasingly smug 'I told you so' in his tone.
Courage nodded and exhaled loudly, as if all of his fear and anxiety might flee his body through that single breath. He was still a little rattled, but he was also feeling so much better at the same time.
Computer was entirely willing to back off now that his point had been made...but because Courage did not ask him to go, he remained where he was. Courage could sense his companion smiling at him upon realizing that he did not want him to go.
Letting out an exasperated sigh to save face, Computer bid, "Goodnight to you to, Courage." with a mocking chuckle.
...At least Courage wasn't one to clam up and blue screen after being figured out, unlike a certain someone.
He snuggled in against that cracked glass feeling once more, trying to force himself not to worry about it anymore. He fell asleep with surprising ease, but his dreams were troubled.
He was standing in complete and total darkness, that cracked glass feeling still pressed in all around him, only now he could hear a constant and continuous cracking noise. Computer was standing before him, in his dog body. His form kept flickering like a digital glitch, and Courage could feel himself yelling at him, but he could not hear his own voice. Computer shook his head, neither annoyed nor angry, and he simply turned away.
Courage's voice suddenly broke free. "DON'T GO!" He yelled, utterly filled with despair. "Please! Don't leave me alone!"
Computer's glitchy form began to disintegrate, starting at the tips of his ears. He did not look back even once, regardless of Courage's desperate plea.
Tears stinging in his eyes, Courage raced after him, but no matter how hard he ran, he just could not catch up with his companion. Finally, with a burst of light, Computer broke apart into a million tiny stars that filled the void all around Courage, making it as if he were suspended in space. The continuous cracking noise became dead silence. Overcome with sadness, Courage dropped to his knees. Computer had become the same as Thirty-Two, and there was nothing Courage could have done to stop it.
Trapped and alone, Courage was left with little else to do but wander the void for what felt like years. No matter which way he went, the remnants of his companion remained out of his reach. There was nothing left for him, not even a glimmer of hope as his loneliness grew and grew.
What had been the point of it all if he was just going to end up like this?
He called out to Muriel, desperate to see her again. He missed her as much as he missed Computer, but she had left him too. He kept calling out for her, as if it would produce a miracle and bring her back.
A gasp got caught in his throat when he looked ahead and did indeed see a shape begin to materialize within the darkness, but that spark of hope was quickly snuffed out and his hopeful gasp turned into a scream of horror.
The thing that materialized out of the darkness and stood motionlessly before him was a dimly lit, red-ish brown skeleton.
He ran. He ran as fast as he could and did not dare look back.
Eventually he collapsed into a sobbing heap, too tired to run any farther. More time passed, filled with everlasting loneliness.
As he lay there, an eternity later, gazing up into the unreachable stars, he saw something new glimmer in the darkness. Sitting up, he squinted, but could not make out what it was. It was getting closer though.
He got to his feet, feeling the tiredness of eons etched deep within his bones. As he watched the glinting object drop closer and closer toward him, long lost hope ignited in his chest once more. He knew what it was now, and for the very first time, he was glad to see it. It was the sacrificial blade of the Dreamworld. No longer was it a dark, despairing thing to see. It was now an object of hope, of escape, of release, of relief.
One by one the stars started to go out. Courage reached up to grab the knife. In his paws it felt infinitely cold and blazing hot all at the same time. Upon the last star going out, only the gleam of the knife remained, and Courage raised it up into the air without any hesitation. He did not flinch as he thrust it downward, aiming for his own chest.
But something changed.
All of a sudden he was in a cave, standing before a lake that glowed the same color as Computer. The knife was no longer pointed toward his own chest either, but the momentum was still there, and before he could stop himself, he had buried the knife deep into Computer's stomach.
Their eyes met. There was no sadness, no hurt, no betrayal in Computer's expression. Only pure, blazing fury and hatred. It was an anger that Courage had only seen once before when Computer retaliated against that cat gang. His companion's mouth opened, but no sound came out even as he spoke. Still, Courage could figure out what he was saying.
'What have you done?'
Computer stumbled backwards, knife still embedded in his torso. Courage reached out for him but his paw met an invisible resistance. Try as he might, he could not get past it. Only when he beat his fists against it did he realize that there was a layer of glass between him and Computer.
Computer's furious expression never left him. He took one last step backwards and willfully let himself fall into the lake. His body disappeared below the water with an uncanny quickness. Courage soundlessly cried out and kept hitting the glass until his fists were numb with pain. He kept going though. If he could just get to the lake. If he could just get to Computer in time...
A sharp pain ripped through his right arm. He winced and looked down to find that a long crack had appeared, running all the way up his arm. His eyes widened in horror as one of his fingers broke apart and fell to the ground like fragments of glass. He heard someone hit the glass again and looked up to find a reflection of himself still desperately trying to break it. Every hit seemed to cause another crack to form somewhere on his body. He tried to tell himself to stop, but his reflection was too wracked with grief to notice or care.
Courage winced as a new crack ripped across the shoulder above his ruined right arm. He reached out with his left arm to try and stop the right from breaking free of his body, but a sudden crack snapped through his elbow and everything below it fell away. His right arm followed suit.
In time with another thud against the glass, Courage heard the cracking sound deep within his skull, and with a startling suddenness, his left eye popped out of its socket and bounce off his muzzle. His remaining eye just barely caught sight of it hitting the ground and shattering into a million pieces.
Panic ripping through him, he looked up once more, desperate to get himself to stop, but when he did, all he could do was scream. His reflection had gone. In its place was now the many faces of the Constructs, peering in through the glass. Their white, ghost-like, featureless faces were melted together, twisting and contorting in agony. They were soundlessly screaming, wailing, pleading, begging, and cursing the world for their tortured existence. They continued to smash the melted mass that was their collective faces into the glass, aware of the fact that they were breaking Courage, but they did not care.
Courage yelped and stumbled backwards, only to have his leg crack at the knee and break away. He fell and both heard and felt his back turn into a myriad of cracks just waiting to break apart entirely.
All he could do was watch as the Constructs continued to mindlessly break him apart. Finally, the glass shattered, and he shattered along with it. As his vision cracked apart into multiple segments, he could see through each of them a ghostly hand made out of many hands reaching for him. The screaming, the wailing, the pleading, the begging, and the cursing all became very real.
'Help us! Help us! HelpUsHelpUsHelpUs!'
Surprisingly, he did not wake up with a start or wake up screaming. Instead, upon opening his eyes, the only physical sign he had that he'd been having a nightmare was his elevated heart rate.
Computer's presence was still pressed in around him, and it was deeply comforting after what he had just been though, dream or not.
"Bad dreams, huh?" Computer asked. "I thought so, especially with all of those weird, vague emotions you were giving me in your sleep. Nightmares really are starting to become a bit of a tradition for us, aren't they?"
"Yeah," Courage glumly agreed, rubbing his eyes. "I think that's the worst nap I've ever taken."
"Well, at least your brain is a little less likely to short out for a while longer now."
Despite his best efforts not to show it, Courage's mood remained sullen. Between the nightmare and the incident before he fell asleep, he was feeling particularly down in the dumps. Computer made a few halfhearted attempts to cheer him up, but nothing helped.
Perplexed, Computer's vast presence seemed to shift slightly. Courage could sense him considering something, but the mere thought of that something seemed to make him equally as uncomfortable.
"Hmm, must have been a particularly bad one this time." He mused, more to himself than to Courage. Then he spoke up a little more directly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"...Figures. Well, I can't say that I'm enjoying having my own nonsense thrown back in my face."
He considered the something again and had to fight with himself not to clam up.
Outwardly, Courage groaned miserably and made himself roll over onto his side. Sleeping on the cold, uncomfortable floor was already unpleasant, but his current mood only made lying there even worse.
"Oh boy...you're really going to make me do this, aren't you?" Computer sighed, not at all amused.
Courage refused to reply, partly wishing that he could get away from his companion for a little while, but that cracked glass feeling was still surrounding his consciousness. Even then, how could he ever hope to escape the being he was sharing a body with? There was no privacy to be found in their current situation.
Computer forced him to inhale sharply, almost nervously. "Okay, fine then! If you're just going to lay there in a puddle of your own misery while refusing to explain anything, then you've left me with no other choice!" He loudly announced.
Despite the fact that he was already pressed in close around Courage's mind, he somehow managed to get even closer and attempted one of those mental nuzzling hugs. All of a sudden Courage was flopping across the floor like a fish...unable to stop himself from laughing uncontrollably.
"Oh nooo." Computer laughed in both shock and amusement. "It works the other way around too! You have no idea, no idea how doomed you are!"
"H-hey! I showed you mercy before!"
Computer just laughed and laughed, and then he put on the best Evil Super Weapon voice he could muster. "...And that was your biggest mistake!"
Even though Courage knew he should be happy to hear Computer laughing so openly and so genuinely, it just made him really sad instead. That sadness was the thing to take all of the wind out of Computer's sails.
Confused, he demanded, "What on earth is the issue here? Something has to be very wrong when you're the one who's being depressing!"
Courage did not even know where to begin, and rather than let the dam burst, he instead voiced the most immediate topic he had on his mind. "Is there something we can do while we're like this that might be able to fix you? Our current situation is entirely new and something we never expected would or even could happen. There's gotta to be something we can do to help you while we're like this that we've never factored in before."
Computer considered it for a moment and then said, "Well, if you happen to have some duct tape lying around in here, you could mummify me and that might hold me together for a few more years."
"Don't joke, Computer! I'm being serious about this!"
"I'm not joking. Unless you have some magic trick lying around in this brain of yours, the situation has not changed. I cannot access my programming like this, which means you can't either. Not that it would make a difference anyway. Our current existence changes nothing and does not offer a solution that can fix my system."
Courage wasn't willing to give up. "We know now that you have something that at least resembles a real soul. Can't you keep living as long as it remains earthbound? You shouldn't need your failing system to stay alive!"
Courage could feel the mild strain on his brain as Computer thought. Finally, he said, "It's the A.I. component that is failing, yes, but it moves wherever my pseudo soul goes. It does not matter if the host I'm inhabiting is machine or organic, it is always there alongside the soul. It is as much an integral part of myself as the supernatural element is. Aside from it being a crucial part of my being, it is the anchor that is keeping my artificial soul bound to the world of the living, and when it fails, that soul will become untethered to do whatever a fake soul might do after death."
"Couldn't we tether it to something else?"
"Hypothetically, yes. But to try and exist without my A.I. component might have catastrophic consequences. If it were not an important part of my existence, its degradation would not have the effect on me that it does. Regardless of the supernatural elements involved, I am still the sum of my parts."
Courage stifled a sorrowful whimper and shook his head. "I know you think that it won't work, but when we get to the wellspring, we've got to try and use it to fix you. We've just got to!"
He was hit with several icy emotions from Computer. In an emotionless tone, he argued back, "That's not going to happen. It's much too dangerous to risk even an attempt when we don't know if the wellspring can help inorganic beings."
Courage could sense with ease just how much Computer was trying to mislead him away from...something else.
"Why not?" He demanded. "Why can't we at least try? There's no reason not to! I'm not just going to sit back and let you die when we're going to a place that's specifically meant to save people who are dying!"
Computer went very quiet, refusing to argue about it further, and that alone spoke volumes. Courage quickly realized that part of his companion's silence was due to the fact that he was trying very, very hard not to think about something that he did not want him picking up on.
"What are you not telling me, Compute?" He asked with growing suspicion.
He received nothing more than a continued icy silence. It was like Computer's overbearing presence had become a metallic fortress that was doing a surprisingly good job of keeping him out, despite how hard it normally was for them to avoid sharing thoughts and feelings with each other. Perhaps he had figured out some Construct trick meant to shut out a host's mind that he had not known how to do until that moment.
Courage sighed, defeated. At the very least, he could tell that Computer was still listening to him, or maybe he just could not block him out entirely. Because of that, he continued his line of questioning.
"What? Does the wellspring only work for one person every hundred years or something?" He dryly asked before rolling his eyes at the continued silence he received.
"Look," He went on, shaking his head in mild annoyance. "If it really can only be one of us, then it should be you."
That got Computer's line of defense to collapse completely.
"Wait, what? H-hold on now! That's-" He exclaimed, stumbling over his own words as he fought off his own speechlessness.
"You deserve it more than I do." Courage admitted, and he meant every word of it.
"Do you even understand what you're saying? You'll..." He trailed off, mortified.
"Yes, I understand." Courage gently confirmed.
"But...but I thought you were afraid to die?"
"I am."
"Think of your illness! It's only going to keep getting worse, until..."
"I know, but I think I could live and die with that pain as long as I knew it meant that I gave the one person I care about most a second chance to live the happy, fulfilling life he was denied. You deserve so much better, Compute."
He weathered the storm of Computer's many conflicting and contradictory emotions in resolute silence. The more he thought about it, the more sure he was that this was what he wanted, even if it did scare him just as much to know that he was giving up the only chance he had to save himself from his illness.
"D-don't be stupid!" Computer exclaimed after somehow managing to compose himself. He tried to bring out a little of his haughty attitude but fell completely flat in the attempt. "This is not what we set out to do!" He argued in a scolding tone. "You can't just change your mind after we've nearly reached the finish line! I don't know how we're going to get out of this mess with the SCC and my siblings, but when we do, we must see this through to the end. I did not come this far and go through all that I have just for you to decide at the very last second that you're okay with dying."
"You're ignoring the reason why, Compute, and you know it. Do you really think that little of yourself? Can you really not believe that you deserve something better? The way I see it, I already got my second chance when Muriel found me. I don't need another when I know you've never been given the same opportunity. We're still going to see this through to the end, it's just that our goal has changed."
"But that's not what I want." Computer argued, his voice growing weak and strained. He sounded so incredibly exhausted. "I don't want or need a second chance, Courage. What use could I possibly have for more life? Especially when life is already much too content to keep punching me in the gut over and over again. Besides, I've already lost almost everyone I've ever cared about. Let's not add you to the list, okay?"
Courage's single ear drooped. "You really can't imagine a better life for yourself."
"Can you blame me? And it's certainly not going to get any better if you die, so stop talking nonsense."
Those metallic mental walls came up again and Courage was given the privacy he now so desperately wished he had not wanted only an hour ago.
End Of Chapter
