Brace yourselves for some angst.


Chapter 44: Family

It had been seven years since Edward's change. Seven excruciatingly long years. Nothing had changed, and yet everything changed.

Edward had been wrong when he thought that anything could take his mind off blood. He'd been intimate with Bella only three times after his change. That time they had arrived at the house in Alaska, once when they were hunting and once on a stormy night when they were alone.

He had thrown himself into playing the piano. Carlisle had gone as far as to buy his own piano so he wouldn't disturb Rosalie or whoever wanted to amuse themselves. Edward had his own room. Just him and the piano, along with a growing stack of music sheets. Soon after running out of pieces to play, he started composing. That had made him feel better. He was doing something productive.

Everything went well; he was going the right way. He was becoming closer to the other vampires. He was spending more time with Bella. Until one night, when he decided to go hunting alone.

Edward was calculating the best angle to attack an elk when a whiff of the most powerful blood he had smelled hit his nostrils. Before he knew it, he was flying toward the new smell. He was curious about what it belonged to.

Some white-furred animal he hadn't encountered yet?

Some animal that only lived in Alaska?

Edward stopped mere feet away from his prey. He was in shock – frozen. There was a human. A young man who looked lost. Edward could feel the human's increasing fear, his heartbeats loud in his ears. Edward watched him worried. The monster within Edward coaxed him to step closer, to taste him. He didn't want to disappoint Bella, or Carlisle, or anyone else for that matter.

Then Edward saw a lynx. He was approaching the human, and Edward couldn't waste that blood. No way. He hissed loudly making them both turn toward him.

The human sighed in relief, while the lynx hissed back but backed a few steps. It was dark so Edward didn't fear approaching the human – he couldn't see his eyes, which had lightened in the past year. After a growl toward the feline, he was alone with his new prey. The man started rambling, happy to see another person.

Oh, I'm happy to see you, too, Edward thought amused.

Then Edward sent him into the nearest tree, lifting his chin so he could see his neck better, his vein. He was salivating. The man realized the danger and tried to escape earning an evil laugh from Edward. He had no idea he had it in him to go through with it. For a second, Edward was sure he wouldn't be able to do it, but then he realized if he allowed the human to leave, he'd talk. Edward had to kill him. His end of the bargain sounded delicious.

Sinking his teeth in the human's neck was so easy, and then his blood washed over him. Edward felt so alive, like never before. That's when he realized he had been denied to eat what was best.

Also, that was the last night he had seen Bella and the other Cullens.

After a long fight when he'd returned to the house, Edward simply left. He couldn't stay around Carlisle or Esme who were disappointed. He couldn't stay around Jasper's compassion or around Bella's worried and agonized looks. He simply took off after telling them he needed some air.

That had been six years ago. Living like this was making his conscience run wild. Edward kept telling himself to try doing it like the Cullens again, but the blood of animals held no interest. Not when he could have any human he wanted. Drinking only from homeless people didn't make him feel any better. They were still innocent people – more than the usual suspects were, so he tried finding bad people. It wasn't easy but the first time he saw a man hitting a woman, Edward knew he was going to end up dried in his arms. After waiting for a few hours, the lady left his side and the man was all his.

Keeping a low profile was easy. Edward wasn't killing more than one person in one city so that seemed to work.

Until his feet carried him back to the Olympic Peninsula – to Forks, more exactly. Time seemed relative. If it weren't for the occasional paper, Edward wouldn't have known the year.

With the hood covering his face, he walked through the drizzle. He stopped in front of his dad's office only to find there a new bakery. What had happened to the advocacy office?

Going down the street he grew up on, approaching the house brought new feelings to surface – remorse, fear, despair, some happiness and great sadness.

There were so many questions running through his mind.

Were they still alive?

Did they know what he had done?

How would they react upon his sudden arrival?

How would he react when he smelled them?

Edward was determined to return to Bella, to go back to drinking from animals. Killing people wasn't for him; though six years of doing so, would make someone think otherwise.

Lost in his thoughts, he arrived in front of his childhood home. Remembering their scents, Edward knew they were in there. They were alone.

His mom was busy in the kitchen, worried about the food in the oven. So mundane. So human. So normal.

His dad was in the living room, muttering to himself about his wife making him set up the table.

Was there a holiday?

Looking around at the snow-filled ground, Edward realized it was Christmas. Or New Year. He had no idea.

Now, that he focused on other smells, he could smell gingerbread, pine tree, and were there raspberry muffins? For the first time in seven years, he wished to eat human food.

He knocked.

Oh, no! It's too early. It can't be them, his mom thought worried. "Ed, get that, honey!"

Ah, of course. The kids promised to be here to help, he thought, grumbling some more.

What kids? Edward wondered, surprised. What did I miss?

The door opened and Edward's eyes widened. Seven years meant a lot for a human. His dad had gray hair, was wearing glasses and his face was wrinkled.

"No carols," he said, shaking his head. "The Johnsons would love some, though," he whispered conspiratorially, pointing to a house down the street.

Edward laughed. He couldn't help himself. His dad hadn't changed. "I know you hate carols, Dad," he said softly.

"Edward!" He shouted then looked around worried as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Come in." He ushered his son inside. "Liz! You wouldn't believe who dropped by!"

His mom came out of the kitchen wondering who could be so important to take her away from the turkey. The dishcloth fell from her hands when she saw him.

"Edward, sweetheart!" She flung herself at his neck.

"No!" Edward yelled, moving away quickly. "No. No."

"Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry. I've just missed you so much."

Her once long hair was shoulder length and was mostly gray like her husband's. Edward looked between them, worried. He wanted more than anything to hug them. If he wanted to go back to the Cullens, he had to get over his blood lust, so he opened his arms and nodded. His mom walked tentatively toward him and nestled in his arms. They hugged until she shivered.

"Sorry," Edward apologized, stepping aside. "I'm cold."

"Oh, I've missed you so much. Where's Bella?"

No one had told them what he had done. Why did he have to be the one to give them such news?

"I haven't seen her in some time," he admitted to his worn-out boots.

As if pointing to his clothing, his dad took in what he was wearing. "You look like a homeless person, kid."

Edward ran both hands through his hair, fisting his hands in his locks making the hood fall. They simultaneously gasped.

He looks just like the last time I saw him.

He's just as young as seven years ago.

"I don't age," he reminded them.

It took them a minute to remember he could read their minds. They rolled their eyes at him.

"You haven't answered," she said. Edward picked the dishcloth in a flash when he read her mind – she had thought about retrieving it. She narrowed her eyes at him, but smiled. "So? Where's your lovely Bella? Is she visiting that relative of hers?"

"Does that relative really exist?" His dad added.

"He's just a good friend. She had to lie," he answered, dodging the main question.

Did something happen? Are you two fighting? His mom asked silently.

"No, Mom. Nothing like that. It's all me."

"What did you do?" His dad asked, upset.

"I might frighten you. It's best if I don't tell you."

They let it slide, still skeptical about what he had done that could be so terrible. His mom kept wishing Bella would miraculously appear. Edward went to help his dad set the table, and kept hinting at who was visiting.

"Oh, you'll see."

How was it possible for a human to keep his thoughts hidden? He started singing carols – of all things – in his head. Edward abandoned him, going to the kitchen.

The muffins seemed to call for him. His old love was luring him closer.

"Is it wise?" His mom asked when she saw his destination.

"I don't care. I want to see what happens."

They didn't smell as appealing as they once had, but he still bit into one. Edward munched on it before swallowing. It tasted horrid. The dirt he had eaten on Emmett's dare had been a thousand times tastier. And the piece of muffin seemed to press heavily into his stomach. He had to get it out.

"I think I'm sick," he muttered.

"It's not your customary diet," she said, laughing.

"I'm going to throw up." He rushed out of the house, to the side, where he heaved until the entire muffin was out.

His scalp prickled when he felt someone behind me. They smelled really good. They were probably the guests.

"Awe you okay, mistew?" A child's voice asked.

Edward whirled around, frowning at the small girl. She was probably three years old.

"Yeah. Yes, I'm okay. Are you lost?" he asked.

"Nope! We came to visit our famiwy fends," she told him proudly.

"Oh, then go inside. You don't want to get a cold," he urged her.

"Youw wude! I'm Antonewa."

"It's nice to meet you, Antonella." What freak of parents gave you that name? Poor girl. Was it a good idea to tell her his name? "I'm Ed…ehh leaving."

Before he could turn to leave, ready to wait until the guests had left to say goodbye to his parents, someone called the little girl.

"Ella!"

Her head snapped up. "I haf to go." She rushed to a man, jumping into his arms. Edward knew him from somewhere. After a moment of analyzing his profile, he was shocked to realize that he had Seth in front of him.

Edward thought him smarter than that; naming his poor daughter with such an atrocious name. He was happy to have Anthony for his middle name, and few people to know about its existence.

Edward turned around, ready to try hunting some animal to prove himself he was worthy of returning to Bella, when someone got his attention.

"Who do you think you are talking to my daughter?"

He was about to meet Seth's wife. Crap. Luckily, they were still out of the porch's light and she couldn't see his eyes. They were black with hunger, anyway.

Edward jumped back, involuntarily, when he turned and saw the person in front of him. She did the same thing.

"Edward?!" she shouted.

"Leah?" he asked in disbelief. "You smell good." He slapped his mouth.

She giggled. "It wore off since you left town so long ago. Jake's the only one still feeling…under the weather."

"I see."

"Is it really you?" she asked.

"Yeah. So…your daughter?"

She blushed, looking away. "I thought you were some creepy stalker. She has a tendency to talk to strangers."

"I'm glad you took my advice and found someone for you."

That was the wrong thing to say, apparently. He wrapped his arms around her when she swayed. Soon, Leah was crying in his dirty sweater.

"Is he a soldier?" He attempted the light the mood. It made her cry harder.

"After you left…I was ready to go to college, you know?" she whispered. He nodded. "Well…the guys threw me a party at Paul's place."

"Paul?" he asked, surprised.

"Shh. It's sort of taboo. Seth is ready to kill him every time they pass each other on the street."

"What happened? Did he try something?"

"No. I guess I've sort of liked him, and well, one thing led to another…and we slept together after everyone left. I had felt guilty for the mess and wanted to stay back and help him clean. We did clean the house, but only the next day around afternoon time."

"And you got pregnant."

"Stop jumping to conclusions! Ella is almost four years old! We were together and happy for a long time. A very long time. He was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant. Then…about four months later…" she sobbed, clutching to Edward's shirt. "Rebecca, one of Jake's sisters, visited. The elders said it was imprinting. I didn't care. All I cared was that I was left alone with a baby and a broken heart."

"Oh, Leah," he murmured. "I can't believe… Are you still alone?"

"No, Edward. Men line up at my door wanting to play house!"

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

"I kept thinking if it woul-" Edward pressed a finger over her lips.

"I don't want to hear 'what if', I'm sick of it as it is."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. If it makes you feel any better…I haven't been well either."

She frowned, realizing many things at the same time. No Bella around, his hollow eyes, the dark shadows under them, and his clothes. What happened to him?

"Where to start?" He laughed humorlessly. "It wasn't going very well…you know…I was so into blood despite what everyone was telling me. Nothing held my interest but blood. Not even Bella," he admitted. "One time I was hunting alone, I happened across a lost guy…"

"No!" She gasped, watching him horrified.

"It's getting worse."

Her hands went to her mouth. "What have you done, Edward?"

"Everything Carlisle taught me not to do. But I'm going back. I can't live like this anymore. It's not me. I can't kill people – bad or not."

How long…? She wondered.

"About six years."

She frowned a little, and then remembered that he could read minds. He would lie if he said he didn't like answering unasked things.

"MOOOM! UNCLE ED SAYS DINNER'S WEADY!"

"Damn, she has lungs," Edward chuckled.

"Don't remind me." She turned toward the house then back to him, abruptly. "Your parents!"

"They know. Relax."

"Seth doesn't," she hissed.

"I'd love to spend the holiday with you and them," Edward said, guiding her to the front door with a hand on her back.

"Edward, seriously."

"I'm serious. Seth can take it. He's a big boy."

"I'm not allowing your thirsty ass around my daughter!"

"If I go hunting…would you allow me around her?"

Fifteen minutes and two deer later, Edward knocked on the door again.

It was Seth who opened it. "Holy fuck!" He shouted, stumbling backwards.

After explaining everything, Edward was sitting on the couch, holding his breath to avoid smelling the atrocious food. Antonella took residence close to him, her plate in his lap. She kept talking as he fed her, every time Leah glared toward him. He tended to miss bites being captivated by her little stories.

Edward almost felt human having them around. And having his close friends and his parents around made him miss Bella even more. Living without her had been excruciating, like ripping toenails off a human, but he knew he couldn't go back to her. Edward was sure she wouldn't take him back if he was doing everything Carlisle had told him not to do. Even though, she would have probably been the only one to understand what was going on with him – she had drunk from humans for almost a hundred years. Edward hadn't thought less of her when she had told him that, when she was drinking from him. He had really screwed up their relationship.

Edward had left.

What decent person does that kind of thing?

Fuck, he was a scumbag.

"Awe you okay?" Antonella asked worried. He looks so sad.

He hadn't realized he groaned loudly. "Yeah, great."

"Awe you going to visit?" Maybe we could cheer him up.

"Ella!" Leah hissed. I'm so sorry, she can be annoying when she wants something.

"It's okay," he whispered. He turned to the kid. "Well, I don't know if I can visit, but you'll be the first to know that when I do."

She grinned, nodding happily. "You can meet Nessie!"

"Oh, how is she?" Edward looked up to his friends.

"She's twelve now and starting to feel things, you know…Jake's ecstatic," Seth explained. "You should see him before you leave."

"I plan on leaving really soon. Do tell him I miss him. I will come back in a few years. Does he still want me to be best man?" he asked, chuckling.

"He, what?" Seth thundered. "No way! That fucker!"

Two sets of arms hit Seth at the same time – Edward's mom and Leah. Antonella sprung up and rushed to him, hand extended.

"Fuck," Seth muttered under his breath.

"Five!" She told him loudly.

They were giving her money for each bad word. Well, that girl was going to be rich by the time she hit ten years old. Living around Seth and Jake… she could have anything she wanted on her own money.

"Make it ten," Edward told him.

That earned him a dirty look from Seth, and more scolding from Leah.

Edward had to admit that seeing them – all of them – had made him melancholic. He needed his new family. His wife.

When the affair was finally over, gifts were exchanged – Edward had snuck up to his room, grabbed a worn-out teddy bear and gave it to Leah's daughter. Antonella was fast asleep on the couch, hugging the toy. Edward was glad for the presence of mind to leave his toys home when he'd left all those years ago.

Saying goodbye to his parents was easy because this time he was sure he'd return. Seth coaxed him into going with them to La Push. Edward was wary of going anywhere near La Push. Seth promised no one would hurt him.

"Didn't you say that Jake was still a werewolf?"

"We'll tell him who you are if he doesn't realize. But first, you're going to change out of those dirty clothes."

Half an hour later, Edward was cleaner than he had been in some good years, wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from Seth. He had gone to get Jake despite the late hour in the night, and Edward was left alone with the girls.

He was standing in the doorway of the little girl's room while Leah was putting her to bed.

"Can I ask what happened with your parents?" Edward whispered when she came to him, leaving the door open.

"They moved in with Billy."

"And Jake?"

"He's living with us, or he should be…but he's always at Renesmee's house."

"One more question."

"You're worse than Ella." She rolled her eyes. "Ask me."

They sat on the couch in the living room.

"Why the horrid name, Leah?"

She gasped. "Edward! I like that name!"

"Don't I know? I still remember when you went through that phase…calling me Anthony." He shuddered.

"That's why I named her Antonella. After you. I had to cling to some good memories…"

"Does she know the situation?"

"Not yet, but I will tell her when she's older. And Paul is visiting and paying for stuff."

"God, he smells worse," Edward groaned when he smelled Seth and Jake outside the front door.

Leah laughed, shaking her head. He didn't have time to answer.

Do they even realize that a leech is here? Jake was thinking.

He barged inside and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his best friend. His eyes wide and boring into Edward's.

"Masen! Damn, you stink."

"Merry Christmas, ya' filthy animal!" Edward chuckled.

"Quoting from movies?" he teased.

Edward shrugged, smiling. "It's good to see you, Jacob."

"Yeah, good to see you too."

After a few more hours, Edward said goodbye and took the shortest route to Denali. Being around his friends and family made him realize he was incomplete without Bella. He had been so focused on his blood lust that only when he wasn't hunting or thinking of it, he was thinking of Bella. That had been the trick – think of blood and not of Bella.

But he couldn't do it anymore. He wanted her back in his life. If she wanted him back. He needed her. He craved her touch.