A/N: Well guys, I'm back again with another chapter. Sorry for the wait - school has been so, so rough.
On the day that the first words of this story were written down, I had barely any plans in mind for it. All I had to go off of was a single scene in my head, which I was determined to somehow write the characters into.
I'm quite excited to have finally gotten to write that scene. It's in this chapter! See if you can guess what it is.
When I started this fic, I never could've imagined who Lillia would turn out to be. She isn't a self-insert, but we hold similarities (science, anxiety) because I wanted to write about a person I could easily understand. Despite this story's many flaws, it's become quite dear to me because of how similar Lillia's struggles are to mine.
I hope you guys enjoy the story!
After we'd talked to a good deal of people, Tanya and I were ready to head home.
The walk back was quiet. I think Tanya could tell something was off, but she didn't say it. I couldn't help but wonder if I was overreacting. I mean, everything was fine before I talked to Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen. And, when he asked about Tanya being too harsh, there was some sort of immediate change in me. Like a pair of flood gates had flown open.
I guess it made sense to be bothered that Tanya had been so harsh with me in the past, but those days of being disciplined as one of her soldiers were over. After all, the war was over, so there was no reason for it to ever happen again.
But part of me couldn't help but wonder why the abuse - if that's what it was - wouldn't be in my future if it had been in my past.
We stopped by my dorm to grab some clothes and then headed to Tanya's. When we got there, there was something sitting outside her door.
She bent down and picked it up. It was a large brown paper bag with a red bow on it.
"Aw, someone sent you a gift!" I said.
She scoffed. "I wonder what it is."
Tanya unlocked the door and we sat down on the bed to open the present. She removed the bow and reached into the bag, then pulled out a small white card.
She began to smile as she read it. "'Major, congratulations on your promotion. We all chipped in a little and got you this. We know you're not old enough, but you will be in a matter of weeks, so let's just keep it between us.' It's signed by Grantz, Neumann, Koenig, and Weiss."
"What is it?" I asked, desperately curious after that introduction.
Tanya's smile widened even further as she pulled the gift from the bag. It was a big bottle of red wine. "Oh, Lillia...you have know idea how much I needed this right now."
I didn't remember Tanya ever drinking wine before, but I didn't question it.
"How are we gonna get it open? It's corked shut."
"That's never stopped anyone with a bayonet. Hold on." Tanya pulled her rifle off the dresser, unfastened the bayonet, and plunged it into the top of the cork.
"No way that's gonna work," I laughed. "The cork's too stuck in there."
"Nonsense." She took in a breath, then pulled with all her might.
Pop! The cork came free.
I clapped my hands together quietly. "Damn, okay. So...how much should we have?"
"It's about five glasses a bottle," she explained. "So as long as we drink an even amount, neither of us will have too much."
I shrugged and decided I believed her. We spent the next few minutes looking out through the window and passing the bottle back and forth.
I started to feel a little giddy after the first ten minutes or so. "Tanya," I chuckled, "Am I drunk yet?"
"Oh, don't be dramatic," she said, giving me a lopsided grin. "It's gonna take more than that."
About thirty minutes in, we were seriously beginning to feel it. Everything we said seemed to be the funniest thing in the world. The walls floated around us pleasantly. I felt like I was just, well, drifting.
"Y'know, Tanya," I said, holding one of her hands in both of mine.
"What?" She chuckled, still recovering from something nonsensical that had been said a moment before.
"I wish the ceremony tonight had been more like, a ball or something. It would have been so nice to dance with you."
She scoffed dramatically. "Lillia, we wouldn't have gotten to dance together anyway."
"Why not?" I pouted.
"Because." She tapped the tip of my nose with her index finger on each syllable. "We're. Both. Girls."
We fell apart into another inexplicable bout of laughter. "Wouldn't it just be so much easier if we weren't?" I asked.
Tanya seemed to freeze up for a moment, then her posture sagged. "What? And be boys instead? How would that be any easier for our relationship?"
"No, like if one of us was a boy and the other was a girl, that's what I mean," I said.
Tanya weighed the options, a more serious look on her face than before. "I mean, yeah. That would be easier in some ways. But Lillia, what's the point in getting caught up in the 'what-if's? It's a pain to wish things were different. We hafta to work with what we have."
I smiled at her, observing with great interest the way her voice pitched up and down randomly. It was rare to hear Tanya speak without any regard for how she looked or sounded.
"I like being drunk," I said. "Can we get more wine from the battalion sometime?"
Tanya laughed. "Of course not. I've gotta tell 'em I didn't even drink it. Or I'd look bad. Don't you think?"
I shrugged. "Eh. I mean, they offered it. But I get how you are."
Suddenly, Tanya hopped off of the bed. Her nightgown flared out behind her like the dress of a princess. I felt my chest and realized I had my own nightgown on as well. When had we changed again?
She put her hands up in a specific position, fingers extended just so. I didn't know what it meant until she spoke. "Well? Come on now. Dance with me, love."
That made my heart flutter. I jumped off the bed with what was supposed to be an equally graceful flourish, but I ended up stumbling in my drunkenness. Tanya caught me, then rearranged our hands so that we were ready to dance. She took my left hand in her right, and moved my right hand to her waist. Then she rested her left hand on my shoulder.
"I don't actually know how to dance," I snickered.
"I don't either," she shrugged. "Just move with me, like this." We began to sway. Tanya moved us around the room in a slow circle.
Our height difference was rather noticeable this way. I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. "You're kinda small, y'know?"
She rolled her eyes. "Really? I haven't noticed."
That made me laugh again. Then we faded into a serene silence.
Tanya piped up after a few minutes, her head resting against my shoulder. "I'm tired, Lillia. It's been a long time since I've gotten good sleep at night."
"Same for me," I said. I thought about what I might dream about later that night. The conversation with Rerugen resurfaced in my mind. This time, through the fog of intoxication, it scared me less to think about. "Tanya, can I tell you something honestly?"
"Sure."
"Sometimes, I'm afraid you're gonna hurt me."
She lifted her head immediately, eyes locking with mine. "Really?"
I nodded. "You've done it before. A lot."
"It was only two times, and it was for disciplinary reasons."
I stared at her, silent.
She seemed to accept that I wouldn't take that for an answer. "Lillia, I'll never be able to express to you how sorry I am. I love you."
That was the second time she'd ever said it to me - no, the first time she'd ever said it outright. "You really love me?"
"It's hard to be sure, but...I think so. Yes."
I dropped out of the dance position and wrapped my arms around her. "I love you too. I just want you to promise that you won't hurt me anymore, now that everything's over. I don't wanna be afraid of you."
Tanya hugged me back. "I promise, Lillia. I'll never hurt you again."
What a fool I was for believing her.
