CHAPTER 37
{Alyssa}
Fortunately, last night I was in bed well before Mom got home, so I didn't have to dodge questions from her about how I spent my evening!
This morning I awoke before the alarm, which was fine since I needed some time to think. The first idea to emerge from my groggy mind was, now that I understand Emma's problem and she does, too, we can finally discuss it - openly and without her being afraid - which is a huge relief.
And since the two of us are meeting in the auto shop today, we can start the conversation then.
My next thought was oh, God...last night was so much fun! Even though I'd definitely wanted more (for both of us), it still had been wonderful, and I spent the next twenty minutes replaying all of the evening's "highlights" in my mind. I would have happily continued to do this for at least the next four hours, but time wouldn't permit it...so I got out of bed reluctantly and stumbled down the hall to the bathroom.
The instant my morning study hall ended, I rushed toward the auto shop with my heart pounding...because I couldn't wait to kiss Emma again!
Two minutes later, I locked the shop door behind me...
...and then walked across to where Emma was standing, in the middle of the room...
...but as I approached her I saw that, instead of smiling...
...she looked extremely upset.
Oh, God, does she...regret last night?
Oh, please, God, not that!
Please, no!
After so many tortuous months, we've finally figured out Emma's problem...and I don't want all of that progress to be destroyed!
And so, I hid my apprehension and smiled at her warmly...
...but she immediately looked down at the floor.
Oh, no.
"Come here," I said...
...and as I hugged her, she put her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder.
"It's going to be okay," I said...
...but she shook her head.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the tarp was already down on the floor over by the left wall...
...so I took Emma's hand and led her over to it. Sitting down, I reached up and pulled her down onto my lap and took her in my arms again.
Since I didn't know any details, I wasn't sure what to say...
...but she herself broke the silence. "Alyssa, I'm s-so sorry!"
I leaned back and looked at her. "What? About last night? You didn't do anything to be sorry for."
She shook her head. "No, I m-mean for all the times you begged me to talk to you about...'th-th-that', but I wouldn't!"
"Emma, that's all right, because-"
"No, it's n-not! I knew it was hurting you, and h-how upset you were that I wouldn't t-tell you what was wrong even though you asked me over and over!"
"Emma, it's okay. I-"
"Did you ever cry about it?" she asked...
...and I turned my head away.
"More than once?" she asked...
...and still not looking at her, I nodded...
...and Emma started to sob.
I turned back to her. "Shh...everything is going to be-"
"Alyssa, I'm so s-sorry! I knew I should have talked to you, but I was s-so scared-"
"Emma," I interrupted, "will you talk to me about it now?"
She hesitated, but then nodded...
...and with a smile, I said, "Well, then, everything will be okay."
She looked unconvinced, so I continued, "Just like you told me a few days ago, it's going to take some time for us to discuss and fix...everything; so there's no hurry about any of this. Today we only have to talk about things for a little while."
Not looking at me, she said, "But there's so much that I...don't even know where to start."
"Well, then, can I decide?" I asked.
After a moment's hesitation, she nodded...
...so, I thought it over...
...and wanting to ease into the conversation gradually, I said, "Why don't I start by asking you something that you've asked me on several occasions?"
She looked up at me, curious, and asked, "What's that?"
I smiled at her and asked, "How did it feel?"
She looked down at her hands, then looked back up at me and said, "You were right..it felt really wet. And when I parked at the grocery store-"
Suddenly I realized that she didn't hear the question the way I meant it (which was to ask how she felt while on the bed), but that was okay...
...because I still found this whole scenario incredibly exciting and was eager to hear the rest of the story!
Emma was silent for a moment, then continued, "and when I entered the store, I was mortified that I was going to have to walk all the way across it, twice, but-"
She looked down at her lap again.
"But what, honey?" I asked gently.
"B-but I don't know how to explain this, but part of me also...also..."
Hoping fervently that I wasn't wrong, I said, "...but a little part of you thought it was also...exciting?"
With a gasp, she threw her arms around my neck and nodded.
As I listened to her uneven breathing near my ear, I said softly, "Emma, I love everything about this story...please tell me the rest."
"F-f-four different people n-noticed!"
I tilted my head over to one side and as I began kissing her neck, she tilted her head back and pulled me closer to her.
Between kisses, I said, "Emma, they knew you had just been a very, very bad girl."
"Alyssa, when they saw, I was so embarrassed, but it also made me feel-"
"You also kind of...liked it?"
"A...little," she admitted
I leaned back, and when I saw the upset expression on her face, I said, "It's okay to have, uh, intimate feelings that are confusing, and that you don't understand...just like I did last night. I've been thinking that about all morning, about how I felt, and now, I think that...well, it's okay. All of this is okay. It's not hurting anybody else, and it's not hurting you, so there's nothing to feel bad about...so, it's fine that you...kind of liked that they saw. Did you know any of these people?"
She shook her head.
"See?" I told her. "Then everything is fine."
"Do you...want me to tell you the rest of it?" she asked...
...and trying not to let her see how crazy I was to hear it, I said, "Yes, Emma...I do."
Her face turned incredibly red...
...and she looked down at her lap and then back up at me and said, "When I got home, Grandmom was already in bed, which was fine with me. I shoved the brisket into the fridge, and then ran upstairs into the bathroom and turned on the light and locked the door.
"And then, I noticed myself in the mirror...and instead of it just being in the middle, I was wet partway down the inside of my thighs, too. And then-"
I waited in silence, letting her take her time...
...and finally, she continued, "And then, I pulled my pants down to pee...and right after I'd finished, I looked down at the crotch of my underpants and when I saw wh-what was there, I was so shocked that I just stared at it, for a really long time. Then, I reached down and...touched it, and it felt so weird and slippery...and, Alyssa, what is that stuff? And where does it come from? And, oh, God...there was so much of it!"
"There was?" I asked. "Emma, I'm so glad!"
"Wh-what? Why?"
I smiled. "Because you always make the same thing happen to me...and now I'm relieved to know that it's normal."
She didn't answer, so I continued, "I'm not sure exactly what it is or where it comes from, but I guess it's something that happens to girls when they get...excited."
She nodded, and then continued, "After that, I took off my clothes and got into the shower...and there was a whole lot more of it, between my legs and also up in between my...well, anyway, when I got up this morning, my underpants were stuck to me because there was even more...only this time, it was...sticky!"
"What about right now?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "No, it's finally stopped...happening, but-"
"But what?" I asked.
She shook her head again.
"Please, Emma. You can tell me anythi-"
"Alyssa, is it supposed to...to h-hurt this much?"
"Are you sore down there?" I asked her.
She nodded. "The whole area between my legs, it...it aches! So hard! Like...like it desperately wants to be touched again!"
"I know, honey."
She bit her lower lip, then asked, "It h-hurt when I went to bed, and when I got up...and it still hurts right now! H-how do you...make it stop?"
"Emma, you can't. You have to wait for it to go away on its own."
"H-how long is that going to take?" she asked.
"Sometimes it only takes a few hours...but other times, it can more than a day."
Oh, no. She looked like she was about to cry.
"Shh...it's okay. I promise, even though it's really painful, it's only a temporary problem. It's going to go away, completely, all by itself. It always does for me."
"Do you...ache hard right now, too?" she asked.
I nodded.
She said, "I thought sex is supposed to be fun...so why doesn't anyone ever mention how much it hurts afterward?"
"Emma, I still think it was fun."
"So do I," she admitted.
I hugged her. "It'll be okay. I promise it'll go away, completely, probably by the end of the day."
She leaned away from me. "Alyssa-" she began...
...and seeing the look in her eyes, I knew exactly what we were going to be discussing next.
What I've been waiting for months to hear.
Taking a shaky breath, she said, "All the times we were...making out, and I didn't really...participate, I know it looked like I hated it, but...it wasn't that at all. When I saw and felt the things that were happening to your body, I wanted to feel them, too...so badly! But I couldn't, and I was scared that something was really, really wrong with me! I mean, I loved kissing you, but then, every time you wanted to go further, no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to...get excited."
"Now I know why," I told her, "and I think you do, too."
She nodded.
I smiled and said, "Well, why don't you tell me, and once you've said it, you're going to feel so relieved. And then, we'll talk about it, and then we can put it behind us...for good."
She nodded again...
...and then, with her arms around my neck, and her voice shaking, she said, "I didn't understand it, at all, but the reason why my body couldn't get excited...was because my mind wouldn't let it. I didn't want to be intimate with you in such grungy, horrible surroundings like here or the band closet...you deserve so much better than that! So, instead of being able to get excited, my mind just...shut everything down completely and all I felt was numb!
"I tried so hard to figure out what was wrong...but I couldn't! One night, in bed, I put my hand between my legs and thought about you and tried to feel something, but I still couldn't...because I was visualizing you inside the band closet.
"And every time we tried, I became more and more upset that I couldn't feel anything...and even more afraid to talk to you, especially because it always comes so easily to you."
I smiled. "Emma, that's because, when we're together, I don't even notice our surroundings...I just see you."
I leaned forward and kissed her. "Thank you for telling me about this, and now that we understand it, you don't have to worry about any of that...ever again. I don't want to upset you, so I'm not going to push you to...do more anymore. From now on, while we're in here, we won't try to do anything except kiss...okay? Even though it's going to be really, really hard for me, we'll wait until we find the "right" place before we try to be PG again."
She nodded.
Then I opened my mouth to speak...
...but closed it again
"What?" Emma asked.
I shook my head.
"Come on," she said. "Aren't we supposed to be open and honest about everything from now on?"
"Well, yes...it's just that I want to ask you something, but it's probably going to sound really dumb."
Emma smiled. "Tell me anyway. I promise not to think that my favorite honor student is dumb."
Feeling somewhat reassured, I asked, "What exactly is PG? I mean, I kind of have an idea but-?"
Emma's eyebrows shot up. "I've been meaning to ask you the same thing!"
"You have Sin Sentry, too?"
She nodded. "Yes, on my phone and on every device in the house! And the only movies I ever got to watch were the kind that are shown in church basements. Like you, I kind of have an idea but-"
She was silent for a moment, then said, "Why don't we put our heads together and see if we can figure it out?"
"Okay," I agreed. "I really want to know, mainly because...Emma, did we do anything bad last night?"
"No, of course not."
"I'm not so sure," I told her. "The things my body was feeling were making me..."
I didn't know how to finish the sentence...
...but Emma said, "I understand, and no, Alyssa, I don't think we...well, first, let's compare notes here about what PG is."
"What are all the ratings?" I asked. "I mean, not with boys, but for two girls?"
She reflected on this for a moment then said, "Uh, I'm going to say that G-rated means only hugging and kissing."
"I agree."
"Well, that was easy," she said with a smile. "Now, what do you think PG is?"
After thinking it over carefully, I said, "I think it means you can run your hands over a girl's chest as long as there's a bra present."
Emma said, "Yes, and if the bra is missing, you're only allowed to look at the boobs - and maybe even kiss them - but not actually touch them with your hands."
"That makes sense," I replied. "Uh...I also think with PG you can put your hand between the girl's legs, as long as it's outside her panties...but once your hand is there, you're not allowed to move it around or...crap! We both did that! I moved my finger against you...and then, later, I jerked up against your hand and...neither of those, uh, activities is PG!"
"It's okay," Emma said, "I mean, yes, that wasn't PG, but we only did those two things for a few seconds...so, it's all right."
Then, she asked, "What do you think R-rated is?"
I paused to consider, then said, "Uh...I think it means you can touch someone's bare boobs...and you can move your hand around between her legs, outside the panties."
Emma nodded. "Yes, that sounds logical...now, what about X-rated?"
I hadn't really considered this before, but after reflecting on it, I said, "X-rated means your bare hand against her bare va-va-va-vagina, inside the panties...no, wait! The panties are off, and your finger can be up near the front...right in between her...you know! Oh, and there's a film crew present."
Emma's eyebrows shot up. "There is?"
"Yes...how else do you think we get X-rated movies?"
Emma frowned, "So, if you do all that, there has to be a camera person for it to actually count?"
I thought it over carefully. "I'm not sure...well, I guess maybe the camera crew is optional."
I hesitated, then asked, "While we're on this subject, how do you know when you've actually...lost your virginity? I mean, I'm guessing it's the same as X-rated: bare fingers directly against your...in between your...right up at the front."
"I think so," she said.
"Emma, can I ask you something else?"
"What?"
"Will you...tell me one of your fantasies?"
Her face fell. "Alyssa, I..."
"Please? Tell me the one you like best."
She stared at me, wide-eyed. "I can't ever tell you that!"
"Please, Emma? Even though it was really hard for me, last night I told you mine."
"I know...but I can't tell you this."
"Why not?"
She looked away from me and said, "Because this one is too...different."
"Please, tell me anyway," I urged.
"I...can't!"
She was beginning to get upset again, which I did NOT want, so I said, "Okay, just tell me one of the other ones. Is there...a different one?"
She nodded.
"Does it include me?"
"Y-yes."
"You don't have to be scared to tell me. Whatever it is, I promise not to get mad at you, okay?"
She shook her head.
"Please? Is it something you really want?"
She nodded.
"Well, if you tell me, then maybe we..."
I guess hearing my tentative offer changed her mind...
...because she pulled me closer to her, and said in a very low voice, "Alyssa, some day, I want to be inside you...
...way up inside you."
The instant she said it, I started to shake violently. I've never had...anything inside me! I mean, I've always been very curious about tampons, but I never actually bought any because Mom would kill me! And in a way, it's a relief that she forbids me to use them because I've seen pictures of them and, somehow, I know that they'd really, really hurt!
My silence scared Emma, and she said, "Oh, God! I knew I shouldn't have told you! Alyssa, just forget that I even-"
"Emma, is this something you really, really want?"
She nodded...
...and I leaned back and looked into her eyes...
...and saw her looking at me so hopefully...
...but the thought terrified me so much that the only answer I could give her was, "I...don't know."
When I saw how much hearing that upset her, I added, "I'm not definitely saying no; I just...need some time to get used to the idea, and then, maybe I'll consider-"
"Alyssa, I'm sorry! I know I shouldn't have even-"
I pulled her close and said, "It's okay and maybe someday we could...do that. Not anytime soon, but I promise that I will think about-Emma, don't cry! I'm not mad at you."
"It's n-not th-that..."
"What is it?"
She shook her head.
I leaned back and looked at her. "Up 'til now, I know how scary it's been for you to be open with me...but remember, last night you said you like us being intimate and close...and right now, we're talking about all kinds of intimate things and nothing bad has happened...has it?"
"N-no."
"Come on, Emma, please tell me."
She started to cry. "I'm s-so sorry f-for all the times I didn't tell-"
"Shh, you already apologized for that, just a few minutes ago...remember?"
She nodded. "Y-yes...but you don't understand how very, very m-much I regret-"
"No, Emma, I'm the one who needs to apologize to you...over and over. I hurt you, three times in a row...in only a couple of days! And I'd give anything to be able to go back and do things over, the right way...but I can't! But from now on, Emma, I swear I'm through with doing stupid shit! Never again! Before, every single time, I knew what the right thing to do was...but I didn't! I always took the coward's way out...and I know I hurt you...badly! But I promise that, from now on, I'm going to do the right thing...no matter how hard it is...but that still doesn't excuse the things I did before! Emma, I'm so very sorry about it! I wish that there was some way to make it up to you...if there is, please tell me!"
Emma was silent for a long time, but then she looked up at me and asked, "Do you know what penance is?"
"I think so," I told her. "Don't Catholics do that? Like...when an apology isn't enough, instead of just words they actually do something to show how sorry they are?"
Emma nodded. "Yes, and it has to involve personal sacrifice. Alyssa, I'm so sorry for how I acted that...I want to do penance for you!"
"I want to do it for you, too!" I exclaimed. "Tell me what penance you want from me."
Emma shook her head. "No, we should each come up with our own."
"I don't know if I can," I told her. "It's kind of hard to punish myself."
"Well, it may seem like that," she said, "but only you can know exactly what's a huge sacrifice for you...also, instead of me demanding something from you, you'll be giving it voluntarily, which helps proves you're sorry."
"I...guess you're right," I admitted. "Let's each try to figure out what we're going to do."
We sat in silence for awhile, trying to come up with one...
...but finally, I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Emma, but I can't think of anything."
"Neither can I," she admitted, then said, "Well, why don't we each think it over for a week or two...I mean, the penance doesn't have to happen right away...does it?"
I shook my head. "No, I guess it can wait for a little while...but I promise I'm going to do it!"
"I promise, too!" she said. "Okay, when you come up with one, tell me - and when I do, I'll tell you - and then we'll each plan how we're going to actually do it."
"Okay," I agreed. "Emma, can we stand up for a few minutes? My butt is aching from this concrete floor."
We did, and when I noticed how upset she still looked, I said, "I'm so glad you told me everything, and it was so nice talking to you about all of it that we're not ending things like this, with you looking so sad...instead, I'm sending you out that door with a smile on your face! Now, come here!"
I took her in my arms and started kissing all over her face until she actually smiled.
"There," I told her, "that's much better."
Suddenly, I had an entirely new idea...
...and even though it scared the hell out of me, I decided to follow through on it anyway. "Emma, there's something I want to do for you. I mean, this isn't my real, actual penance, but still...I'm so, so happy that you were so open and honest with me today that I want to...do this for you."
"What...is it?" she asked...
...but instead of answering, I took her hand and marched her straight into...
...THE RAT OFFICE!
And then, to further demonstrate my remorse, I locked the door...trapping us (and God knows how many rats) inside!
Emma stared at me in wide-eyed disbelief. "I never thought you'd set foot in here...I assumed you'd be too terrified!"
"Well, I am," I told her, "but you said that penance has to involve personal sacrifice! And, like I said, this isn't my actual penance, but it's a gesture to show how sincere I am...and that I'm actually going to follow through on the real one...and soon!"
Emma smiled. "I know you're scared because of the way your eyes keep darting around the room. But, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that earlier this week, when you were busy with the sub sale, I was bored so I went over every square inch of this office...including beating the crap out of that sofa with the lug wrench...and I can assure you that, not only are there ZERO rats in here, there's no holes in the walls or baseboards where they can get in either."
"Oh, thank God!" I exclaimed...
...but then said, "But that kind of sucks, because now this "pre-penance is meaningless."
"No, it's not!" Emma said. "You were scared, but you came in here anyway...and I find the gesture so very touching that I want to do something for you. You deserve some kind of...reward."
"Like what?" I asked.
Seconds later, her arms were around me, and we were kissing, and I thought that was the reward.
I was wrong.
With her lips still moving on mine, she let go of me and moved her hands around to my front...
...and seconds later, I felt her unzipping my pants.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked.
"Something you love."
Seconds later, I found out exactly what she was referring to...
...as she slid her hands down inside the back of my jeans and I felt the warmth of her palms against my silk-covered backside.
As she began to move them, I whispered, "Oh, yes...oh, God...oh, please."
Leaning back, she looked into my eyes and said, "I'm not the only one who's going to be walking out of here with a smile on my face."
"B-but...I was already smiling!"
"Shhh."
Since there wasn't a lot of room back there, she was having kind of a difficult time moving her hands...
...and seconds later, her hands were easing my jeans down to my knees.
Then she reached behind me again...
...and as I felt her caressing me, I wrapped my arms around her waist...breathing, "Oh, Emma."
I pulled her as close to me as I could...
...and tilted my hips forward...
...and suddenly realized that the front of them was resting directly against the front of hers.
And I loved the way it felt...
...and between that and the way her hands moving, non-stop, on my butt...
...it all felt so amazing that I began moving against her...but by only barely tilting my hips, because I was hoping she wouldn't notice.
She did anyway. "Alyssa, somebody's being a verrry bad girl."
"I'm sorry." I stopped moving my hips...
...but tightened my arms around her waist, pulling her even closer, and said, "But do you know how exciting it is for me knowing that...except for your jeans and our panties, that right now, our...they're almost touching each other?"
"Alyssa, didn't we agree we can't go past G-rated in places like this?"
"You filthy hypocrite! What are you doing to my butt right now?!"
Her eyebrows shot up. "Oh, should I stop?"
"Don't you dare!"
With a smile, she said, "So, you admit you like this?"
"Oh, God...yes!"
She hesitated, then let go of me, took half a step backward, and taking hold of my right hand, moved it onto her belt buckle.
Then she leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "Go ahead."
"Wh-what?
"Alyssa, pull down my pants."
"But...why?"
"I have my reasons; now, just do it."
She didn't have to ask me again. Within seconds, her jeans were unzipped. As I was pushing them down past her butt, I sneaked a look at her briefs...
...and as she pulled me close again, I murmured, "Navy blue today."
"What?"
"N-nothing!" I said quickly.
With a smile, she moved her hands onto my hips and slowly pulled them forward toward her own...
...until I was up against her...
...and as I felt the warmth of her lower abdomen gently pressed against my own, she whispered, "Isn't this even better? Now, aside from only our underpants, they're...almost touching."
I couldn't answer...I could only tilt my head back as I felt her lips on my neck...
...and then, I felt her front moving very slightly against me, just like I'd done to her, not in a crude way, but gently, barely, caressing that part of me with that part of herself...
...and it was the most amazing feeling.
Suddenly, something occurred to me and I took a step back...
...and then moved my right hand down between us.
"Alyssa, what are you doing?"
"Spread your legs apart."
"But, Al-"
"I have my reasons; now, just do it."
She did.
"Alyssa, what are you doing?"
"Not what you think."
Reaching down between her legs...
...I then extended my index finger upward, and touched it against her gently...
...and smiled widely. "Uh oh, do you know what I feel?" I asked...
...and her face turned red.
"Oh, Emma, look who's able to get excited in the auto shop now!"
Then, I added, "...and who's also being a very bad girl again."
She buried her face against my shoulder.
Moving my hand away, I said, "Don't worry, they're not actually wet...just very slightly damp...and I only wanted to check, so don't ask me to put my hand back there...because we're not going to make things worse! I'm not letting you walk around school in wet panties!"
She flinched...
...and then, realizing that she always refers to them as underpants, I asked, "You hate the "p" word...don't you?"
She nodded. "I don't know why...but that word has always weirded me out."
At that moment, it would have been so easy to tease her by saying the word panties...
...over and over again, but I decided against it...
...because she's been such a good girl today, opening up to me the way she did, that teasing her would be wrong.
Wanting to feel her against me again, I moved my hips forward...
...and she tilted her own hips forward, and then reached behind my backside again, holding us together...
...and as I felt the gentle pressure of her against me, I kissed her neck and said, "We accomplished so much today. Thank you for talking to me, and for...this! I love how it feels when we hold our "special spots" against each other like this...it's so nice."
But I knew that we were running out of time...
...so taking a step back and reaching down, I reluctantly pulled her pants back up and zipped them for her...
...and then, after caressing my butt one last time, she did the same for me.
I looked at her and asked, "My favorite part of the day is that you and I were able to talk to each other so intimately. Do you know what my second-favorite part is?"
She shook her head...
...so, I said, "It's that now you can get excited here in the auto shop; because, since your body is now letting you feel things wherever you are, it means that the issue has sorted itself out and you don't have to worry about it anymore. But, like I promised earlier, I don't want us to do...more in a crummy place like this. I mean, if you ever want to pull my pants down in here, I certainly won't object, but I'm not going to expect more from you...okay? When it finally does happen, I want us to be in a nice place."
"So do I, Alyssa." She looked down at the floor, then back up at me and said, "But sometimes, it might be nice to...do what we just did, again."
"Oh, God, Emma...please, let's do it sometimes!"
"We will. I know how hard waiting is for you...and until we can figure out somewhere we can...do everything, I still want to find ways to...make you feel nice."
"Well, you did! Do you like it, too?"
She blushed. "Y-yes...and we will be doing that again."
I leaned back and smiled at her. "I can't wait...and I also can't wait for you to come over this evening! I wish it could be right after school!"
"So do I. Actually, I have an errand to run this afternoon, but like we agreed, I'll come over at 5:30."
She looked at her watch. "And now, we have to get going."
When we left the auto shop, as I'd promised Emma, she walked out with a smile on her face...
...but mine was even wider!
