Kiki: Danke für deinen lieben Kommentar! Ich freue mich wenn neue Leute sich melden und ich dadurch bemerke, dass die Geschichte tatsächlich noch von jemanden gelesen wird.
Gina: Sorry I didn't thank you before for your lovely review. I like Stella and Kelly too. I think they make a great couple. I can't promise there's gonna be a lot of them, but I like writing little scenes with them. Even when they're mostly talking about Matthew.
belletane: thanks for still reading. Can't believe it's been this long.
I found time to wrap up the next chapter. I hope you'll like it.
Chapter XLIII
The members of Station 51 were all gathered in the waiting room of the E.D. from Chicago Med. News of the unconscious Captain spread quickly, leaving many of them in a state of shock.
Boden had called the Head Quarter, and given the fact that two of their officers were currently down, they decided that taking the whole house out of service was qualified. Except for ambulance 61, but Dispatch had been notified to list them as a last resource. Boden had made that clear. And so far, Brett and Kidd hadn't had any calls.
Stella took the time and went to see Kelly again, who had already been settled into a room in the IMCU. The doctors wanted him monitored for the next 24 hours just in case his head injury would cause any complications.
As for Casey, the situation was still unclear. The last thing Boden and his team had learned was that their Captain was in the emergency room. The doctors were assessing him and would be in touch if there was anything new to report. So, the situation remained tense for the time being.
Herrmann sat down next to his boss and held out one of the plastic coffee mugs, which the other accepted with a nod of appreciation. Christopher couldn't help but smile. In the Battalion Chief's big hands, the object looked almost like a toy from his daughter Anabelle's doll's kitchen.
"Difficult day today," Boden sighed after taking a sip.
"Yup," was all Herrmann replied. He knew his old friend had something eating at him. But he waited for him to start talking.
Firefighters aren't exactly known for speaking openly about their problems and concerns. But Herrmann knew Boden for a long time now, and he could tell that his Chief was different in that way. Maybe that's what made him a good leader after all. Herrmann didn't have to wait long, as he felt Wallace shift slightly beside him, and in his usual rough voice, he huffed, "I should have called an ambulance right away. I knew he wasn't okay."
"Don't do this, Chief," Herrmann said, "We all knew it."
"Yea, but I'm the Chief," was Boden's final point.
"So what?" Herrmann shrugged, "That doesn't make you without faults."
"Thank you, Herrmann," Boden snorted, "very encouraging as always."
"Just saying, Chief," Herrmann replied, "Nobody's perfect. Not even the best of the best."
Boden, clearly preoccupied with his guilt, leaned forward with a deep sigh and looked thoughtfully into his coffee cup.
"Come on, don't make yourself worse as you are. Questioning yourself, at this point, isn't going to change anything. And besides that, you did just the right thing." Herrmann tried to cheer up his colleague and show him a way of not being quite so hard on himself.
"Did I?" Boden raised his eyebrow, "How so?"
"Look, Chief. Casey's stubborn as hell. That's not a well-kept secret."
"No, it isn't." Boden sighed.
"You know as well, as I do, he wouldn't have accepted medical attention on scene."
"My thoughts exactly," Boden admitted.
"As I see it, you, calling an ambulance wouldn't have made much of a difference," Herrmann clapped his old friend reassuringly on the back.
Boden looked at him and nodded, "Thanks, Christopher. I guess I needed that."
"Don't sweat it, Chief," Herrmann smiled at him as he continued, "and at the end of the day, he ended up in the right place anyway. And he's getting the help he needs. What more do you want?"
Both men looked relieved regarding that matter, but worried frowns never left their faces.
"Yea, I guess you're right. What more can we ask for?"
"And for the record, I think the way how you handled things was the less dramatic one. And it probably saved your relationship with him in the long run. Cause, as I know Casey, forcing him to drive here wouldn't have sat right with him. So, I guess that decision of yours was actually a pretty much clever one."
Boden turned his face and smirked at Herrmann, "You know, Lieutenant. You're not as dumb as you look."
"Geez, Chief, don't make me blush."
It was a while before someone came in with an update. Maggie, the head nurse of the E.D., informed them that the Captain was still being treated by the E.D. Doctors but taken good care of. A reassuring smile on her face.
Not long after, Kidd came rushing in with good news as well, "Kelly's talking and wants all of you to know that he appreciates you being here. He's got a hell of a headache. He still sees double, but Doc says it could have been worse, and we shouldn't be too worried. So, all in all, everything's looking good."
"Thank God," Tony spoke what everyone else was thinking. "So, can we see him?"
Stella shook her head, "Doc says it's best if he rests right now. He's mostly out of it, anyway. They gave him some kick-ass painkillers to help with the headache."
"Must be pretty serious pain then. Kelly's not much of a pill-guy," Sylvie wonders.
Boden just raised an eyebrow, and Herrmann shook his head knowingly at the paramedic's comment. Sylvie hadn't been around for Darden's death and the whole aftermath that almost ruined their firehouse-family. Most people in that room actually didn't know everything about that time and what obstacles Kelly had to overcome. They knew he hurt his shoulder and had to face experimental surgery to save his career on Squad.
Stella took her place near her Chief, and with a hint of hesitation, she asked, "How's the Captain doing? Any news?"
"Still in the E.D." Herrmann informed her.
"How much longer does that take?" The dark-haired firefighter huffed in annoyance, "I mean, he's probably in there, for what? An hour already?!"
Sylvie put a hand on her shoulder and just said, "tests take time. I'm sure they just want to be thorough. It's actually a good sign."
Stella looked at her and sighed, "hope you're right, girl."
The blonde paramedic smiled reassuringly, "I am."
She did her best to calm everyone down and appear as her positive persona they all knew and loved, but deep down, she was as worried as everyone else on the team, if not even more so, because of her better understanding and knowledge.
"Kidd? How's Kelly really doing?" Boden finally dared to ask.
Stella had expected him to do so and looked him straight in the eyes to come across as honest as possible, "Chief, I wasn't downplaying before. He's good. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. The next couple of hours gonna be hell for him. But that's just because he's being attached to EKG cables and not able to move around. You know him."
Boden smiled, "Severide on bedrest. God help the nurses!"
"I told them to knock him out if he gets too much," she smirked. "I guess he's unconscious by now."
Boden smiled back at that, "You're really good for him." She nodded and felt a kind of proudness she wasn't aware she was capable of.
Her Chief's expression turned somber once again, "does he know?"
She looked at him. "About Casey, I mean," Boden clarified.
Stella just shook her head. "No. I couldn't tell him."
"Good," Boden said.
"I mean, I know he should know," Stella tried to explain, "but I want him to rest. And he didn't seem to remember much about the accident and the last couple of hours. So, I thought, why bother him with something he has no idea of?"
She was clearly having a bad time with accepting her own approach.
Boden nodded, and Herrmann reached out to pat her knee, "You did good, kid. No need to worry the Lieutenant. Let him have a break."
Sylvie had the same feeling about it, "Concussions don't go well with high blood pressure and elevated heart rate. So, you're doing the right thing, Stella."
"I just hope he's going to be as understanding as you guys," Kidd said, "cause when Kelly finds out, I probably should wear my full protection gear throughout that conversation."
Boden smiled at her, "Don't worry, I'll handle that. He'll approve in the end."
"He'll be glad that Casey is fine," Herrmann added into the musing.
"Yeah," Boden sighed. "Let's hope that's the case."
"Of course, Chief," Sylvie's encouraging voice sounded like hope. "Casey's gonna be fine. He's a fighter. He'll pull through this."
Pictures of his Captain hanging on the rope, just hours before, and not wanting to let go, afraid he would drag his boss down, came into Boden's mind. Matt had seemed so tired, and he wasn't this eager competitive fighter Boden had known for years.
"I know," he automatically responded. "Thanks, Brett."
Herrmann frowned and finally asked, "Hey, Brett. You know that kind of stuff. What's happening with the Captain right now?"
She looked somehow thoughtful but eventually answered the question," My guess is, they're treating him for smoke poisoning. He had major trouble breathing and was cyanotic at the end. Maybe he inhaled more smoke than you guys."
"He was down in that basement a lot longer than any of us," Herrmann mused, "the smoke wasn't as aggressive there as in the rest of the building. But nasty non the less."
Boden nodded, and with a slight hint of distaste, he added, "he probably took off his mask when he found Jake. Tried to get as much oxygen into that boy as possible."
"That totally could be the reason for his condition," Sylvie agreed.
"But I have to say," Herrmann told them. "I mean, I've seen men with smoke inhalation. But Casey, today. That was a new one for me."
"I know what you mean, Herrmann. I feel the same way. It was intense. Wasn't it?" Stella chimed in. "The way he was acting? It kind of was weird. Almost erratic."
"That could be caused by too low oxygen stats and whatever intoxicated fumes he inhaled. If the Chief's right and Matt really did take off his mask, he probably was exposed to a lot of toxic fumes," Brett informed them.
"Yeah, sure," Herrmann nodded, "but, man, I have to say: Seeing Casey confused like that and a rambling mess. Wasn't prepared to see anything like this today."
Boden's face showed understanding. He had been shocked as his Captain obviously had lost track of reality. And as he was thinking about it, Herrmann was already addressing it, "I'll tell you, hearing Casey calling out Darden, for not being here, … I mean, the kid's dead for almost seven years now." The old firefighter couldn't find the right words to explain his own confusion and angst. Finally, he settled for, "it was just sad, to watch, I guess."
Boden and the others had all the same somber look on their faces. Everyone felt insanely terrible for their Captain, who had been under so much stress.
Sylvie felt the need to explain once more, "the confusion is mostly caused by oxygen deprivation, and my best guess would be some sort of chemical-poisoning on top of that. Many toxins are commonly known for causing delusion."
Herrmann nodded, "Let's just hope Casey doesn't remember any of it. He'd be terribly embarrassed about it, that's for sure."
Boden had to agree with his friend, "he's not gonna like this."
Herrmann was thinking about it once more and told the others, "maybe best, we don't talk about it. If Casey doesn't bring it up, I think we should ignore the whole thing. Give him the space to cope and figure everything out on his own. He's not gonna like the attention."
"I can copy that," Stella mumbled. "And I think Kelly shouldn't know this either. He doesn't talk at all about this Andy-guy. He talks about Shay from time to time. But Andy seems like a red flag. I don't know the story behind it, but it clearly affected them both."
Boden had listened closely to what his team's opinion on that whole matter seemed to be. And even if he had a great understanding of their approach and could see himself wanting to agree for obvious reason, he no longer couldn't. So, he interrupted them, and with determination in his voice, he said, "No! Enough is enough!"
As soon as he said that, he felt every eye on him. Herrmann frowned at him, "Uhm, Chief? What's that?"
Boden sat up straight in his chair, "Look, guys! I know what you're trying to do here. I know you want to help. Both of them. But as I see it: It's about time to find a better way than to ignore and spare everyone's feelings."
Stella looked baffled at her boss, while Sylvie already tried to understand, "What's on your mind, Chief?"
"I don't think ignoring the fact that Casey still hasn't dealt with Darden's death properly is going to help him at all. He clearly has some kind of residual anger simmering inside him. I don't know why and if it got anything to do with how Andy died." He had to pause for a moment. "But I know guilt. And I know what it's like to lose someone you're initially responsible for. And Casey was Darden's Lieutenant. And I think he never forgave himself about what happened to him on that call."
Everyone felt some kind of pain as they listened to their Chief. But he wasn't finished, "Look, all I know is he never really talked about it. At least, not with me. Did he ever say something to you?"
He looked at Herrmann, who simply eyed the floor and shook his head slightly. "No, Chief. Never came up," he sighed, and ended with a nearly inaudible, "but it's Casey, so …."
It sounded almost like an excuse.
Boden ignored the truck-lieutenants' last comment and offered his own experience.
"That's what I thought. I guess Casey didn't talk to anyone on his team. And, I surely know he didn't reach out to Squad. And that's partly my fault. I never encouraged any of you to do so. Maybe my own grief was too great, or whatever, but I should have asked more questions."
"Chief! This was a particularly tough one," Herrmann tried to analyze what was happening to them back then. "Those three guys had been like best buddies from the get-go. They just clicked." A smile washed over his face as he went through his memories. "They were like a unit in this unit. The three musketeers from 51. Always together. Teasing and grilling each other, shift after shift. They went to the academy together. Of course, it had been hard on them. I don't know what exactly happened after Andy's death. All I know was that Severide and Casey were on the outs."
"What do you mean, Herrmann?" Sylvie asked. She honestly knew nothing about this at all. The time she had arrived was the time after Shay's death, and the house had to heal from that tragedy. Andy Darden wasn't forgotten, but his story was no longer at the forefront.
"It was bad. I've never seen two people that were that close before act so hostile towards each other. They couldn't even be in the same room at some point. I think Casey tried a bit more, but Kelly? He just wasn't ready to deal. He and Andy were friends since childhood. He was like a brother to him. I guess he only could live through that pain by blaming someone. Guess Casey was as good as any other reason. Sad as it sounds, but those two were at each other's throats constantly after that, and it took them a long time to become friends again. Honestly, I think they never went back to what they had before that."
"Oh my God, that's so sad," Sylvie sighed. "I had no idea. I can't imagine. I know they don't see eye to eye sometimes, but they always respect each other no matter what. I can't picture them blaming each other for something so horrible."
"Yeah, well, grief lets us make the stupidest mistakes, I guess," Herrmann defended his two colleagues.
"Exactly why I think we should be more open about what's going on," Boden mused. "Put in the extra work to help people express their feelings and support one another more."
"Hey, Chief, I'm all for it," Herrmann agreed, "but Casey's big on not letting anyone know what he's actually feeling. And as I understand, there was always this unspoken rule not to bother him about his personal stuff."
Sylvie and Stella looked knowingly at each other, and the latter admitted, "I definitely got that vibe when I started at 51."
"I remember Gabby was big on contributing to it as well. She kept like a protective shield around him," Sylvie added thoughtfully.
Herrmann groaned, "Oh boy, looks like we've messed up, big time."
"No, we didn't!" Boden suddenly felt terrible. His intention hadn't been to dump guilt on his staff. "All I think we did, was respecting our friend's privacy. That's not bad or wrong. But we could've done better getting him through it. And we should do better this time. Now, that we know, his way of handling things isn't really the best choice." He looked into his follower's questioning faces. "For my part, I'm done tiptoeing around Casey. After he pulls through this and can talk coherently again, I'll not let him get away with his usual stoic 'I'm fine' - deminer. I wanna know what's going on, and I want him to face his inner demons."
Stella and Brett looked at each other, and the blonde paramedic smiled, "Chief, I think that's a great idea. You guys tend to put up walls around you. You all pretend you're made of steel and immune to getting not only physically but also emotionally hurt."
Stella nodded knowingly. She felt this about Severide from the beginning of their relationship. "You tell it, girl! Exactly Severide." She shook her head. "The man would cut off his hand before talking about his feelings. And the bad part, he doesn't even see it. He thinks he's doing well with emotions. Idiot!"
Boden and Herrmann shifted looks between each other and the floor. They knew that they were on the torture stake as well.
Sylvie admitted, "I even called Casey out on it. After the bus accident, but I guess I should have been more aggressive about it. To get him to talk about what's bothering him lately. I mean, we all can see something is going on with him."
Boden wanted to help her, "I bet you did well. And every little conversation should remind him that he's not alone. And I'm sure you did accomplish that."
Sylvie nodded and continued, "I thought Dawson being away was the main problem, but maybe this runs deeper than that? I don't know. You guys know the Captain better than I do."
"To be honest, I kinda doubt that," Herrmann smirked, with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Whatever's going on. I guess, for now, it's important that he gets better physically. He looked like death back there." And with that, everyone was reminded why they were waiting here in the hospital.
"I'm gonna get some coffee. Anyone in on that," Stella asked?
"Right behind you, partner," said Brett. And the two went to get a break from all this tension and drama built up in this waiting room.
"You actually think Casey's gonna be okay with your new open feelings policy? Cause, I highly doubt that," Herrmann mused.
"Don't know, Herrmann. But I guess it's all I've got left." Boden sighed, "I tried to fix it with CFD policy. Trying to protect him by taking away his command. More or less. Did it work," he asked more himself than his friend? "Don't think so. He still ended up in the hospital."
Herrmann frowned at Boden, "you really think that Casey's judgment was clouded by his emotions over the loss from Dawson? Don't you think he would've gone after that boy either way?"
"I think he wouldn't even have been down there. Because, before all this insanity from past months, he was able to accept orders."
"Don't get me wrong, Chief," Herrmann smirked, "but we're talking about Casey after all. He always has been somewhat a hothead."
"I disagree, Christopher. Yes, he always has a strong opinion of seeing things, but he's clearheaded and focused on the field. He's different now."
"What's the plan, Wallace?"
"I don't have one, except that I want Matt to see what we see. He should get to the bottom of his problems because I fear it's the only thing that's gonna get him back his truck and safety. It's time that he gets his head straight."
Herrmann smirked and whispered, "sounds a lot like mandatory therapy, Chief."
"Does it?" Boden mused. "Well, not entirely sure if that's what it will be. But, if that is what it takes, maybe it should be an option."
