Chapter 37

Bella's POV:

Trevor walked Dr. Richards back to his place, leaving me alone in our hotel room covered in sand and dried blood. I rolled my neck and groaned at the stiffness. I need a massage. I grabbed Trevor's extra disposable phone and turned on the shower, dialing a familiar number.

"Hello?"

"What's the report, Chief Jacob?" I smiled, using my favorite nickname for him.

Jake chuckled on the other line. "The FBI found your journals, Bells. They've been searching all over your room for clues. This is getting serious. Did you write about us? About who the Cullens really are?"

"No, I'm not an idiot." I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "What else?"

"You need to come back. Soon, they will question people on the rev about you because everyone knows that you like spending your time with us. You know I don't care about rumors, but if people talk about how we are a cult or taking drugs –"

"They won't believe that. They'll be busy looking for me, the white girl." I interrupted. "Besides, they know there are drug dealers on the rev, and they don't sell their products to you or Sam because of the council."

Jake sighed and I could hear the muffle noise of the television in the background. "Bella, why can't you come home now? What would be the worst thing that would happen if the agents found out the truth?"

"Special Division can make those agents' deaths look like an accident just like they did with my friends. Come on, Jacob, be smart – use that head of yours. They are dangerous and violent."

"Like you, then?" His remark caught me by surprise that I stayed silent. But I was also proud. He's growing a backbone.

"Yes, like me – don't say a word. Just look over my dad and I'll try to be home as soon as possible. I have to go."

"Bella, don't!"

But I hung up on him.

The shower started to get warm and I wanted to get as much shower time as I possibly can without Trevor demanding his turn. The water washed away the dirt, sand, and blood off me and I watched as it swirled to the drain. My fingers swept through the tangles in my hair and my stomach clutched with anxiety at the thought of the agents reading my private thoughts in those journals. They may not be reading about Special Division or vampires or werewolves, but they're still my thoughts – my private thoughts.

The bathroom door flung open and I yelped, my back colliding against the wall and spluttering water out. I opened the sliding door, poking my head out to see Trevor standing over the toilet peeing. "Are you serious right now, Trev? I'm in the shower."

"Sorry, Izzy." Trevor didn't turn his head and he didn't stop peeing. "But I needed to go unless you wanted me to pee outside."

"You're a guy. You can pee anywhere – like outside." I mumbled and closed the shower door.

My elbows covered my breasts and I stayed underneath the water, closing my eyes. I didn't even see anything, so I have no reason to be embarrassed. The toilet flushed and Trevor washed his hands, but he was taking his time.

"You're not funny. Get out so I can finish, and you can take the shower."

He chuckled and opened the bathroom door. His head tilted but his eyes didn't glance at me. "As you wish, lass."

I ignored the pounding in my chest as the door closed behind Trevor. My fingers went to my chest; but remembered I had taken off my necklace to take a shower. Good thing I left it on the bathroom counter and not in the bedroom. I shook my head. I don't want to think about him right now. I just want to enjoy my shower.


Jasper's POV:

"They're leaving," I said and watched as several agents were leaving their rooms, looking and feeling exhausted. Special Agent Martin led his agents to their cars and left the parking lot.

"Finally," Rosalie huffed next to me and excited the car. "Which room are we looking into first?"

"Special Agent Martin's." The parking lot was already empty with patrons seeking dinner at restaurants or going to bars. Rose and I made sure to wear dark clothing to blend in even if we use our speed. His door was locked who needs a credit card to open it when you have controlled super strength?

It was a two-bedroom room except one bed was filled with boxes and open files. His desk was the same. Rosalie closed the curtains and took the desk, searching rapidly through the boxes. I went to the bed and found stacks of journals. There were seven.

"How much did Bella write in five years?"

"After everything she's been through, I'm surprised there's not more." I commented and found that in some pages, there were painted words or collages. I knew Bella was a creative woman, but I didn't realize she had an artistic talent as well. I grabbed the first journal that caught my interested and started on the first page:

January 3rd, 2000

Mom – Renee says that a journal is a girl's best friend. It can keep all of my deepest and darkest secrets for a long time and no one will know. I think she's wrong. Someone can easily find my journal, probably her, and read my secrets. No, I won't write down my secrets in this journal, it will be too dangerous. No, I'm going to write…how life is going to be for me. How life…is different than what I've expected to be.

Renee is still the same person I remembered, loving, full of happiness, and has a child aura around her. But I can see how my abduction took its toll on her. She doesn't know that I can sense her presence when she checks in on me late at night as if I will disappear at night. But I won't vanish into thin air. I came back –I escaped to come home. Why would I want to leave? Charlie isn't an emotional man but that's okay. I guess I inherited something else from him other than looks. But no matter how many times they ask me, I won't tell them the truth. No one besides us and them will know the truth –it's safer that way.

Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. My second side will partly be shown in this journal. Hopefully, no one else but me will read this…

I frowned at the last paragraph of the first entry of the journal. Even as a thirteen-year-old, Bella was paranoid about trust. I knew there were two sides of her but the fact that she couldn't even trust herself to write her secrets down was despairing at least. And yet, I'm one of the few that's reading her journal.

I flipped through more pages, reading quickly at her new life in Forks then the sudden weather change in Phoenix and how guilty she feels about leaving Charlie alone. She wrote about her first fight in school with an upper-class man in high school and how much trouble she got in by her mom and the principal. But she didn't regret it. She didn't regret protecting the person that was being bullied verbally and physically. She didn't regret any of the pain she inflicted on the upper-class man.

June 1st, 2000:

If a girl has a wall up, it's because it was built brick by brick, lie after lie, sadness after sadness. It's like a repeating motion for me.

June 12th, 2000:

Stephen King once said, "Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes, they win."

July 4th, 2000:

Fireworks. They are beautiful and colorful. But the sound…I will never escape those familiar sounds.

The sound of fireworks…? Gunshots –bullets. Edward once told about a friend she witnessed murdered in front of her the night she escaped.

August 2nd, 2000:

Renee put me through therapy again. This time, it was a male therapist and I hated it. The only thing I enjoyed out of the session was seeing him look uncomfortable at my silence and stares. I could see the fear in his eyes as he wrote down little notes in his yellow lined paper notebook. He's scared of me. People always are.

It was obvious that each journal was packed in order by the years and I didn't feel comfortable reading Bella's thoughts when she was younger. I grabbed the last journal in the pile.

"What have you found so far, Rosalie?"

"Notes about other children's abductions – some could be similar to Bella's, but compared to the notes, they are trying to figure out the similarities. The reasons change from child trafficking to drug trafficking."

"Grooming children to be part of the business as mules or potential drug dealers."

Rosalie raised an eyebrow, "Can you see Bella doing that?"

I snorted. "She has a good poker face."

I flipped through the pages until one caught my eye.

March 16th, 2004:

Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. Maggie's gone because of me. She's in a coffin, deep in the ground, because of me. If only I had stopped Bradley sooner…the way her parents looked at me…I'm nothing more than a monster. I feel angry…frustrated…revengeful. Why did someone else die because of me? Why couldn't I have been stronger enough to save a little girl?

Bradley told me that I will become the person they wanted me to be and he's right. I am turning to be what they want me to be. But I will make them regret it. They will regret it when I'm the one holding their lives in my hands.

This…this doesn't even sound like Bella. It sounds like someone who wants to bring more pain into their life.

March 17th, 2004:

A conflicted heart feeds on doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, and your motives. When you stared ahead and the darkness is all you can see, only reason and determination can you pull back from the abyss.

I know what I need to do.

Do what? Bella, what are you talking about? I have never been more frustrated at the human till now.

March 22nd, 2004:

X wants me to live a normal life –be a normal teenager doing normal things like going to the movies with friends, homework, dating. But how can I do that when I can't reveal who I am? However, I went to the Cullen's' house because I figured out something about them. But what I'd never expected was to reveal my feelings to Edward.

I like him.

I like him a lot.

When I told him what I feel for him is different than anything I have ever felt before – I was telling the truth. What I felt for T was different – he was my first love. I was thirteen-year-old, and T was my best friend, my supporter, and my protector. But with Edward, he's just different and old fashioned. I didn't expect for him to return my feelings and I certainly didn't expect to kiss him when he experienced his feelings.

I am a bold person, but I have never pulled that move before. I wish I could've seen the look on his face when I ran off.

April 5th, 2004:

The trickiest wounds are in the heart. Those are difficult to heal. A wound of the heart is different than a flesh wound. Unlike a flesh wound, there aren't ointments or medications to heal it and there are times when they will never heal. The only thing that can heal a wound of the heart…is love. I'm in love with Edward. After what happened in Phoenix, it made me open my eyes.

It made me realize that what I've been doing for months was no longer for the right reasons. But now, Charlie isn't the only reason for me to stay alive. Edward is. Jacob, Angela, Billy – the Cullen's. They have reminded me that life is more than just surviving. I should also live.

And I will do that. Once I end my fight with N and SD, I will fight to come back. That's a promise.

N? SD? Who are these people, Bella? What did they do to you?

September 14th, 2004:

I remembered.

I remembered how they shot Phil in the head without a moment's thought. I remembered Peter and Bradley. I remembered Renee telling me that I have a choice. I remember her dead body. I remembered waking up in the hospital, wishing I was in the morgue with them.

But for once, it was nice to stay home with Charlie and listen to him reminisce the young days about my mom. He has it harder than me because she was the woman he had loved, his first love that later left him with his child in tow. But after all this time, I realized that he forgave Renee a long time ago and merely wanted her to be happy even if it wasn't going to be with him.

But of all the calls and texts we've received today from people in Forks, I was disappointed not hearing from Edward or his siblings. Of all the days, he decides not to call me or drop by; it had to be the first anniversary of my mom and Phil's death.

I need him. I need my friends. And it scares me that they aren't here today.

"Jasper, what's wrong?" asked Rosalie, sitting next to me on the floor.

"We shouldn't have left like that. You remember how angry Alice was for not being there for Bella. Of all the days –"

"Don't blame yourself, Jazz. If Bella was more careful –"

"She was careful, Rose! It's not her fault that she's human and I couldn't control my blood lust."

"But we don't even know who she is."

I sighed sadly, "I need to keep reading."

September 20th, 2004:

How could he do this? Why did he do this to me?

His words echoed in my head like a movie and I wanted to rip them out so badly. I'm no good for him…who could ever be good for him? Someone like him…I feel so stupid. How could I have been so gullible?

How could I have let this go on for so long? How could he? I should've known he never loved me; I was just an experiment to him. Will I always be an experiment to people? Can't they see me as a person? But no, he didn't see me as that.

If there was one lesson, I learnt from them, you have to love something before you can hate it.

September 25th, 2004:

Angela wants to talk to me. She wants to give me advice. Why would I want advice from her? Why would I want to let her in? It will become catastrophic.

That's what happens. You let people in, and they destroy you.

October 5th, 2004:

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but inside every breath I take, it hurts.

October 20th, 2004:

Love and hate are two sides of the same.

November 17th, 2004:

Maya Angelou once said, "Bitterness is like a cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns all clean."

November 27th, 2004:

I don't feel happy. I don't feel in control. I just feel empty. Empty and vaguely sad.

December 5th, 2004:

Lauren taunted me again. I wanted to shut her mouth and do everyone a favor. I thought the cliché of high school would be over when it comes to popular girls like her, but she still gets on my nerves. If she makes another comment like today, I will use my real strength on her and watch her beg for mercy.

But what surprised me the most today was Angela. Sweet, kind Angela. She still believes we are friends. But that word means nothing to me. My real friends are in hiding and dying by the second. I was friends with the Cullens and look where that got me.

December 7th, 2004:

I told Jacob the truth, not because I wanted to but because I had to. He figured me out all because of my one stupid mistake. But he told me that I shouldn't give my enemies the satisfaction of watching me suffer.

But he's wrong.

In the end, I will be watching them suffer and I will enjoy it.

December 20th, 2004:

It's the fifth anniversary of the night we've escaped. I still remember everyone smiling as if the plan will work and we won't have any trouble –it will be a piece of cake. But we were wrong, and we lost our friends because of that assumption. I miss them. I miss everyone so much including R, T, and X especially T. Even though, he is six years older than me, I've always felt that he can understand me better than anyone. I guess that's why I fell for him.

But I will see him again.

One day, somehow, I will see him again.

William Blake once wrote, "If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite." Perception is a clouded thing, but my perception is blinded by one thing: revenge.

December 29st, 2004:

Eckhart Tolle once wrote, "When there's anger, there's always pain underneath it."

December 31st, 2004:

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." –Maya Angelou.

It will be a New Year and I still have so much to do. But it's comforting that Jacob and his friends know the truth, but it doesn't feel fair to Charlie. He's my father. But he's also a police officer and that puts him in more danger than ever. It's funny how I have more than two journals and yet, cannot bring myself to write the full truth. It's like I can't even trust myself at all. The truth is…I'm terrified of myself and what I've become. If I write what I truly feel and see, then Bradley was right all long. I'm no better than them –no, I'm worse. And that scares me more than death.

"Jasper, someone's coming," Rose whispered.

Immediately, we put the journals and the files back where we found them and hid in the closet as the door opened. Agent Martin stepped inside his room with another agent behind him. They both had soda cans in their hands, but it looked like the younger agent with him had a file on him.

"So, the murderer died of a heart attack? How is that possible?" Agent Martin asked, taking off his jacket and tie.

"The guy did a lot of drugs and drinking over the years. His doctor even recommended to do less of that, but he didn't listen. But there might be foul play involved. A woman was in his office the night he died. She escaped from the window and none of his bodyguards could find her. Her name was Nikki but judging from what I saw in surveillance, she knows how to hide and same training about Chief Swan's daughter."

Agent Martin scoffed and sat down on the bed. "So, you're saying that the possibility that Nikki is somehow related to Isabella and those other missing kids? But why kill the man that murdered her parents?"

"Revenge. Perhaps this Nikki had Isabella's best interests at heart. Besides, I don't think she and the Chief know that Peter's dead."

"So what? She's a murdering guardian angel?"

The agent shrugged and took a sip of his drink. "Got any luck with the kid's journals?"

"No," Agent Martin groaned and took out of the journals from the box. "I thought I would be reading typical teenage melodrama about crushes and boy bands. But Isabella Swan is not like that. Sure, she wrote about that Cullen boy, debating to be more normal or not and her feelings for him. But she still keeps her secrets to herself. There is not one clue about the whereabouts or whoever kidnapped her."

"It's late. Let's get enough rest for tomorrow. I still want to find anymore connections between Maggie and Isabella. There has to be more than their birthplace and many trips to the hospital. When we find that, we can connect that to the other missing kids."


Bella's POV:

I gasped, "Tell me you didn't?"

Trevor laughed, nodding his head and took a sip of his scotch. His green eyes were filled of mirth and glee. After my shower, I found Trevor sitting outside, pouring scotch to his glass of ice. Neither of us were tired despite the day we had, so I decided that it was time to know more about Trevor's life, or at least, what he has done in his missions.

"I can't believe you went into a drag queen's dressing room."

"Hey, it belonged to all of them. I made up a lie that I was hiding from my abusive boyfriend and didn't want him to recognize me. They helped me get dressed up and that took a while. I think they were enjoying themselves too much."

I couldn't stop laughing. It was hard to breathe and at the same time, I thought I was going to pee in my pants. "Please tell me there were photos."

Trevor glared at me. "Nope nice try. I had to sneak back to my hotel room, and I got propositioned three times on the way there – which was very rude. It took a while to get rid of the makeup off my face." He ran his fingers through his hair and smiled. "I made sure to give the clothes back to them and breakfast as a thank you."

"Please tell me you put that in your mission report."

"Fuck no! I don't want to give Dahlia ideas. And don't you dare tell her either, Iz."

I mimicked locking my mouth and tossing the key. Trevor rolled his eyes.

The stars were sparkling up in the dark sky. The waves were almost slurpy, slapping against the shore in a small sluggish tone. But I could hear the distant sounds of television playing and music coming from several rooms down below us. Trevor sat up straighter at the sound of children laughing from one of the rooms.

"Have you ever thought about it?" I asked. "Having children?"

"Yes and no," He replied after a few moments of silence. "You know that having kids is dangerous in this line of work. And after what the Doc told us…I don't know what will happen if a child has the same genetic marker as we do."

"And if they didn't?"

Trevor shook his head and took a big gulp of his scotch. "It's a dream, Izzy. I would be an idiot to think being a father and living a safe life will come true."

"You're not an idiot, Trev. Hey!" I placed my hand on top of his knee. His green eyes looked at me. "You wanting a family is not an idiotic dream. Look at Dahlia. I'm positive she wanted kids at some point of her life, I mean she's the closest woman in our lives that we call a mom. The way she looked at us growing up…she must have wanted a child too."

"But I don't dream of raising my child in Special Division. Do you?"

"Fuck no," I pulled my hand away at the thought. Trevor chuckled. "I don't even know If I want kids. I'm eighteen years old and haven't even thought of college."

"You didn't apply?"

"No, I did. But for community college."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"Of course, there isn't." I snapped and rubbed my eyes. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. But I can't rely on Xander to make me disappear from government's eyes, not that it would be completely successful. And my dad…I want to be close to him. Plus, I never even had a real job. How can I handle a normal job? What would I do? Babysit? Work at a library? How to kick a grownman's ass 101?"

Trevor laughed and handed me his glass as if I needed it more than he does. He got up to make himself another. I sniffed the strong drink and took a sip. "Oh come, Iz. That is a neat drink. You can't take a sip like it's apple juice."

I refrained from sticking my tongue at him, but I took the gulp. The liquid burned my throat, my eyes watered, and I couldn't stop myself from coughing.

"Maybe I should take that away from you." He laughed.

"No, my drink." I coughed out after taking another gulp. How can people drink this with a straight face? How could Trevor? "What were we talking about? Oh right. Kids. I think I should worry more about surviving this life than thinking about having kids. I'm not even a great girlfriend, how can I be a good mother?"

Even if I do want kids.

Trevor's gaze pierced down at me as he took a gulp of his drink. My cheeks burned and I drank more scotch. "You're going to be a great mom someday, iz. I know you will make some bloke happy."

I scoffed.

When Edward and I talked about the future, I told him white lies as always. I was still hiding, planning my revenge, and Edward…was immortal. Being around him felt like my future wasn't going to arrive – that I would need to think about life outside of this bubble we were in. I wouldn't need to think about what would happen after the destruction of Special Division. If I was still alive after it happens. We never even spoke about our future after high school. Edward couldn't age but I could. And we didn't talk about kids, marriage, or what would happen after high school. Not that any of that matters now. My fingers went to the hidden ring that's between my breasts.

I'm not good enough for him – the fucker.

"Pace yourself, woman." Trevor took my glass and set it on the table in between our chairs before sitting down. "I shouldn't have given you my drink."

But he did and I am enjoying the tipsy feeling going through my veins. My body slid down on the chair and my eyes stared at the dark sky and sparkling stars. "What are you going to do after all of this is over?"

"I have no fucking clue. Do you think there's room for me in your house?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "My dad would probably shoot you first. Besides, living in Forks is not exciting. Small town life is boring."

"I'm sure you brought up the excitement since you moved there." I snorted and Trevor chuckled. "Who knows? I'll live in the city and visit you after your class in that community college. You can show me what you're learning."

"And what will you do in the city?" I turned my head, nearly laying down on the chair.

"Catch up on sleep."

"No, seriously."

"I haven't thought about that. Didn't dare to. Didn't want to give my hopes up." He turned his head, mimicking my position. "I didn't want to live up to an expectation I had, only to disappoint myself for not being able to live it."

"You deserve to live the life you want, Trevor. You can be anything you want to be, do anything. You can even go to college – you can go with me."

Trevor's smile grew the more I talked about a possible future with us going to college, what classes we would take, and the possibility of taking out loans to pay for classes if we transfer to university. The more I spoke, the more I saw his gaze turn soft and wishful. I'm going to make sure he gets to live that life. He deserves it more than anyone I know. His expectations will become a reality. I'll make sure of that.


A/N: Yes, I'm alive. Again, I'm sorry for the major lateness of this chapter and story in general.

"That's what happens. You let people in, and they destroy you." It is my quote and I have seen it going all around the Internet for years. I would appreciate if I could get credit for that.

Thank you for reading! Stay safe everyone

- DisneyRBD