"Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease
And you'll be at peace with yourself
You won't really need no one else
Except for the man up above
Because He'll give you love"
Mary J. Blige – "My Life"
Sabine thought she would vomit when her mother told her that Marina and Deuce were in the lobby with Erik wanting to see her. If her parents weren't there, she would've made up an excuse for the nurse to pass a message that she was asleep or having tests done and couldn't be seen.
What could she tell them? Being hungover and using poor judgment while surfing cost her physical damage that would take time and money to heal and she had lost a dear friend who did the same thing? She was ashamed. Embarrassed. Disappointed in herself. Dread welled up in her stomach as she waited for them to come into her private room.
"Tell them I can't see them!" she snapped in a panic as she turned her face away from the closed door.
Belinda patted her hand.
"Honey they'll be here any—"
"I don't want them to see me like this. Mommy…please…."
Her eyes blurred with tears and her heart thudded in her chest as a panic attack set a cruel course throughout her body. Her breath turned into shallow pants as her left arm became numb suddenly.
Cedro went to the door to intercept but it was too late. Sabine could see Marina's sweet face peeking at her from under Cedro's arm.
"Sugar…"
Marina's voice forced Sabine's eyes to squeeze shut.
"Not like this, Mommy…"
Small hands cradled hers.
"Don't cry, Sugar. It'll be okay."
Deuce's voice forced her eyes open. Marina held her left hand tight as Deuce looked down at her with a timid smile on his face. She knew her facial injuries were hard for them to take in, but they were doing their best to pretend like it didn't bother them too much. All the stitches holding her face together made her look like a Mary Shelly creation. Parts of her shaved head were probably hideous to see too.
Sabine blinked to make her vision better and she caught Erik slipping into the room and standing at the foot of the bed. His lips were ticked up into a soft grin but she could see the pain floating behind his eyes.
"Let's give them some time alone," Belinda suggested.
She tugged on Cedro's arm and Erik followed them outside. Sabine inhaled deeply and turned her eyes back to the children.
"We saw the wipeout," Deuce said.
"How?"
"Some guy posted it online," Marina said.
"Drone shots," Deuce added.
"It was a big wave, Sugar," Marina whispered.
"You looked kinda cool until you fell," Deuce added.
"Sorry about Pete."
Marina's voice grew softer and Sabine gave her a smile to lift her mood.
"He left this world doing what he loved. I'll miss him…"
Sabine's lips quivered and she looked away before any more tears tried to spill out.
"I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye."
"I'm sorry for making you leave."
Sabine shook her head.
"I didn't want you to feel bad about me being there. They told me why you stopped talking to me."
"I'm sorry—"
"Don't be, Marina. You did what you thought wouldn't hurt anyone. We're still buddies, okay?"
"Okay."
"When can you leave and come home with us?" Deuce asked.
"You're not enjoying the peace and quiet?" Sabine teased.
"Dad is miserable. It's not the same without your loud personality."
"Smartass."
She punched at his arm and he smirked. Deuce was getting a few more chin hairs and he had put on some weight in his growth spurt. He would be as tall as Erik in a couple of years. She could hear the slight change in his voice. Two years. That was how long they had been in her life. Even Marina had grown a couple of inches. She had been a tiny little wisp of a nine-year-old when she first stood in front of Sabine at the surf camp. It was hard to believe she had ever known the world without them in it.
"I'm miserable too. I miss all of you. I don't how soon I can leave. They don't want me flying with a broken leg and that's going to take weeks to heal. I'll be stuck here for a minute."
Sabine touched Marina's cheek.
"I'm so happy to hear your voice baby shark."
Marina's eyes went to her surfing doll tucked near Sabine's arm. She picked it up.
"Did she bring you good luck?"
"Yes. My mother told me you read to me."
Marina nodded and her bright eyes made Sabine feel less stressed.
"Hey so tell, what's been going on at home? What have I missed?"
Deuce glanced at Marina and Marina stared down at the doll again.
"What?" Sabine asked.
"Dad's talking about going to Portugal," Deuce said.
Sabine tried to sit up, but she couldn't do it very well.
"For what?"
"He's thinking about moving onto the big wave circuit next year. Everybody thinks he'll win the regular championship this year. I think he might do it. That's why he's going to Portugal with Uncle Colin."
"When?"
"He didn't say."
Belinda stuck her head in the door.
"Erik?" Belinda said.
"Gotta talk to your Dad now," Sabine said.
Marina kissed her hand and walked toward Belinda. Deuce lingered and tapped his hands on the bed rail.
"If he comes off moody or sounds mean…don't take it personally. He was really scared you wouldn't make it out of the coma. I was too."
"Thanks for the heads up."
Sabine watched a young man walk out of her room and pass up his father. Deuce glanced back at her and gave her an okay sign as Erik stepped in and shut the door behind himself.
She couldn't keep her eyes off of him.
He looked stressed but he also looked…amazing.
As Erik walked over to her bed Sabine saw him with the heart eyes of her teen self. The superstar. The Wave Killer. Killmonger. The moment he stood next to her and his eyes took in her face he was just Erik. He sat down in the chair her mother once occupied as she held her breath waiting for him to chastise her. Reaching for her hand he held it and just stared into her eyes. She couldn't even cry.
"Don't ever leave me," he whispered.
His eyes were glossy with unshed tears and she shook her head.
"I won't," she answered in a shallow breath.
That's all that was spoken between them
They sat holding hands until she dozed off into an anxious slumber.
###
Sabine returned to the States and set up convalescence in her parent's home.
Erik wasn't happy about that.
It was the first argument they had the moment she was able to fly back to the States after six weeks. It grew even tenser when she was given an x-ray and it was determined that she had a malalignment. Her right leg had healed incorrectly causing her hip and lower back pain. She also had a length discrepancy, losing nearly two centimeters of height in that leg. Erik blamed Sabine for rushing her healing by pushing her physical therapy sooner than she should've had once the cast came off.
Her orthopedic surgeon in La Jolla had to re-break the bone with a plate and screws.
The trauma to her face healed with highly visible scars, and she had to wait until her leg healed properly before she could have any cosmetic surgery. Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed before she could even feel comfortable thinking about walking again, let alone look at her face without crying.
Depression set in when she wasn't invited to join the Pro circuit. At first, she thought the scandal with her viral tit video and the overly shared wipeout clips would ruin her sponsorship with Maverick.
It didn't. At least not yet.
Stressed that she was going to get fired after the second surgery, Sabine sat in her parent's house with Deuce playing Monopoly with her as Marina helped her mother cook lasagna for dinner on a cold February morning. Deuce was whooping her ass buying up every property he could as she sat propped on her bed in her old bedroom. She ran her fingers through the long braid extensions her mother put into her hair. She wasn't surfing so she didn't have to worry about weight on her neck or pushing hair out of her eyes for work.
The doorbell rang and she thought it was her brother and father returning home early from the restaurant. Her mother walked into her room with concerned eyes.
"Sugar, it's Mr. Fouche."
Sabine's stomach dropped to the floor as Deuce stared at her.
"He wants to talk to you," Belinda whispered.
Deuce stood up and tried to leave before Jean Fouche walked in larger than life and smelling like immense power.
"Deuce Stevens, right?" Jean said.
"Yeah," Deuce said.
Jean put out his hand for Deuce to shake. He shook hands then quickly slipped out of the room. Marina ran up and stood in the doorway.
"Are you going to fire her?"
Marina was tight-lipped and her hands were in fists by her sides.
Jean chuckled with his soft French voice.
"I wouldn't fly thousands of miles to fire her. I could've called her and done that, young lady. You are Marina, oui?"
"Oui, je te regarderai."
Jean chuckled again.
"I liked those Nike ads you did with your father. You are a very good athlete too."
"Oui."
Sabine laughed hard and Jean glanced over at her.
Belinda pulled Marina away from the door and Sabine couldn't hide the smile breaking across her face. Baby shark was ready to throw hands on a billionaire.
"May I?" Jean asked pointing to an old wooden desk chair.
"Go ahead."
The man pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down. Unbuttoning the jacket of his slate-gray Dior suit, Jean grew comfortable in his seat. He took a moment to look around the bedroom and she felt her face grow warm when he saw all of her old Killmonger posters still hanging in the same spots she placed them as a teenager.
"The rumors are true then? You and Killmonger?"
Sabine looked down at her fingers as she twisted them on her lap. The new cast she wore on her right leg stood out in sharp contrast to the dark blue blanket she sat on.
"His children are here with you and they are very protective."
"We've been staying private…for reasons."
"You should shout it to the world. Two of the best surfers together? La magie!"
"You still think I'm the best?"
"I think you are going to be an icon in the sport."
"I didn't even make it…I fucked up my chance—"
"Regarde mon visage. Do I look worried? Chances? They are hungry for your return—"
"Look…I've seen the new girl you've picked up to replace me—"
"Replace you?"
"I've seen the new ads. I've read the chats online. Margot. Safe white Hawaiian blonde—"
"I run a brand. I hire people to represent that brand. There will be others. Always…but you…you are the Queen."
"Queen of what? Fucking up?"
"You did that. But athletes get injured all the time."
"I was broken apart, Jean. I had to be broken again."
Sabine was tired. Scared.
"I don't know how soon I'll be able to try for qualifying rounds again. I know I messed up the Maverick winter campaign—"
Jean pulled out a large slender cell phone from his inside jacket pocket.
"Look," he said holding the cell out to her.
"We were able to use outtakes from video clips and put together your campaign."
He pressed play on his cell and a flashy commercial with a throbbing stank beat erupted onscreen. Sabine heard clips of her own voice from interviews she had done the past year narrate a quick-edited two-minute piece that started with a slo-mo image of her surfing with her grills through the tube she glided through in France.
"That's Paulo's work, the guy who photographed me—"
"We took clips from his outtakes for this…and that viral video too…"
Sabine felt flush as she watched herself dance with her nipples out with a saucy attitude that jumped to her yelling at a fellow competitor who cut her off during a heat that was caught on camera along with her flashing a West Coast hand sign as she won that event in Tahiti. Her eyes were shocked to see the drone shot of her riding the freak wave that caused her to fall from grace. It was hard to watch knowing what happened that day. One minute she was gliding across the lip and then the next, falling headfirst into…
She shut her eyes for a second and heard herself speak words she said months ago.
"Every surfer worries about being hurt. But I can't let the fear get to me or else I wouldn't do it. That's my world out there. That's my world…"
The commercial faded to black for three seconds and she heard her mother's voice on the phone.
"C'mon, baby. You can do it. You got this. One more step…"
A short clip of her in physical therapy trying to walk on her leg that would have to be broken again soon after.
Sabine's finger dropped to her thigh and she touched the top of her cast as she continued watching. Quick images of other Pro surfers went past and stopped on a slo-mo of Killmonger holding up his newest World Championship trophy. Despite all the trauma his family endured, despite all the time and arguments and tears they had together when she came home…her man won the entire tour.
"My time will come, and when it does…the world better be ready!"
The entire commercial ended with an old video clip of her on her first surfboard at the age of five rolling in on a small wave and throwing her hands up in the air like she was a champion.
"This is the most popular commercial out right now. It already has two million views on YouTube and we just uploaded it this morning when the tv spots dropped hours ago."
Sabine covered her eyes for a moment letting the fear she had wash through her.
"I'm not firing you. I'm encouraging you to get better. You only missed the cut by one standing. A few lousy points. For someone who jumped in late and missed out on the last few qualifiers, that's fucking incredible."
"So my tits out didn't cause a ruckus?"
"Americans are fucking children. The moment I saw that video I thought of Killmonger. Europeans loved it. The rest of the world embraced it because it showed you having fun and being true to yourself. With Paulo's film and photos of you with that thing on your teeth too?"
Jean kissed his fingers.
"We gave America and Asia edited versions of course for TV. Look what we have planned next."
Jean swiped his phone and showed her a mock-up of a new print ad campaign. Paulo's photo of her with the grills alongside Killmonger's old photo with his grills.
"When you are well and competing again, I would like for you and Killmonger to go public with your relationship. People like royalty. A King and his future Queen."
"I don't know, Jean. People will think—"
"Think what?"
"That I was given favors and priority by being with Killmonger."
"Fuck them. Killmonger is the World Champion once more. One day the two of you will win side by side. Mark my words, Sugar. You will do commercials together and the world will see that you…hell, I'll say it out loud…you may one day surpass him."
"I gotta stop you there chief," she said.
"He's the best in the world right now. I know."
"I haven't proven myself. Not where it counts."
Marina poked her head into the room. Her eyes darted toward Jean.
"I'm not fired," Sabine said.
"Good, because I got Daddy over here just in case."
Marina reached behind her and pulled Erik next to her side. Sabine couldn't hide the surprise in her eyes. They were still having a little tension between them.
"Erik Killmonger Stevens," Jean said.
Jean stood up and held out his hand. Erik shook it and his eyes leveled with hers once more.
"I saw the new commercial," Erik said.
"What do you think? Sugar looks and sounds superb. Oui?"
"It's good."
"It's actually better than the original campaign we had planned. It has a heart. Soul. Guts. Conviction. It sets up a narrative that forces people to root for her automatically—"
"That drone shot was a bit exploitive," Erik said.
Sabine's eyes dropped from his face.
"I own that footage. I had it stripped from the internet by paying a nice fee to the owner of that drone. The clips we used don't show the actual impact—"
"It's still exploitive—"
"It's all good, Erik. I like it."
His eyes were slightly heated. But he backed down from Jean.
"We're behind Sugar one thousand percent."
"Great."
"I'm aware of your relationship," Jean said with boldness in his voice.
Erik stared at her again.
"I know your concerns come from a more personal place."
Erik gave Jean his full attention.
"Congratulations on your championship win. Impressive as always."
"Thanks."
Erik stayed so cool with the man. She tilted her head at him and his eyes softened.
"Mr. Fouche, can you stay for dinner. We have plenty of lasagna and garlic bread," Belinda offered, interrupting the uptight energy in the room.
"I would love to."
"Here let me show you where you can wash up—"
"I can do that!" Marina said taking the man's hand and leading him out of Sabine's room with Belinda behind them.
Deuce scurried back in.
"What happened?" he said out of breath while looking over his shoulder toward the bathroom.
"I'm good," she said.
Deuce balled up his fists and pulled his arms down as he squealed "Yes!"
"Could you leave us for a minute?" Erik asked.
Deuce left them alone.
"Marina called me. Told me to get over here and beat up Jean if he fired you."
Sabine giggled and it brought a relaxed smile to Erik's face. She still felt tension from him.
"I was worried for a long time. Can't deny that. Every time Stacey checked in with them it was always some excuse that the head honchos were busy. I only wanted to know about the winter ad and…they did their own thing. I like it, Erik. I don't think it was exploitive. I've seen the footage enough times…are you really upset with it?"
Erik sat in the desk chair and held her hand.
"You are vulnerable and healing right now. They should've told you what was going on sooner. I don't like that they ran it without your input on that footage at least."
"They were giving me time—"
"Sugar, they made you feel like you had to rush your healing."
"I did push myself—"
"For the wrong reasons. Look what happened. More unnecessary surgery—"
"Lower your voice."
He stood and closed the bedroom door. Returning to his seat she could tell he was trying to remain cool. Not living together was taking a toll on him. Everything irritated him and no matter how many times she told him that she wanted him to focus on winning and letting her parents look after her, he felt…
She wasn't really sure what he felt when he held so much in to make her feel comfortable. It was easier to recuperate in a quiet home instead of her feeling useless around the children and their hectic lives. It depressed her not being able to surf with them in the morning, or go to any school events, or even watch Marina compete in the junior events. She felt less disappointed to be in her old home and have the children and Erik come visit without slowing down their lives looking after her. It made sense in her head.
Sabine missed sleeping with Erik and all the peaceful quiet moments in the house they once shared when they got the kids off to school or activities. She missed the family bond of being all together but she needed the space. Sometimes Erik still looked at her as if he wanted to strangle her for messing up so badly. He never said anything like that to her, but deep down, she felt like it was an unsaid thing inside of him.
Her cast was coming off in two weeks and she would come home to him then. That was her plan. Once she was able to walk again she would have more facial surgery and begin to get back into the water.
She was nervous about that.
Going back in.
Would her leg return to normal? Normal enough to allow her to surf like she once did? She worried about injuring herself again and all the psychological issues she read about and talked to other surfers about online in private chats. There were rumors of her quitting and there were active haters wanting her gone. There were trolls on her social media feeds. Mean ones. Racist ones. Sexist ones.
Sabine kept busy writing her surf blog, but she grew bored lying around all day. Being mentally active was easy. The physical needs were the kicker.
She was able to sneak kisses with Erik, but it was hard to enjoy when she fretted about her face. Sabine had never been vain about her looks, but the moment her face was marred by potential permanent scarring, she became overly self-conscious. Even watching the new commercial made her hone in on how the marks on her face looked. Luckily the shots were taken from the unmarked side. Erik kept telling her she was the same girl he was in love with, but looking at her face in a mirror was difficult on a lot of bad days. The stitches were gone, but the horror of her accident was imprinted there. Forever.
"I want you home with us. I don't want to wait for the cast to come off. I need you, Sugar."
She winced. The angst and pain were raw in his voice.
"I need to talk to you about Portugal…don't look away," he said.
Nazare.
She took a deep breath. Nazare, Portugal called to him. She understood that call. Of all the places in the world to surf, Nazare made Sabine's skin crawl. Especially since her accident.
Before she was hurt, the sky was the limit and her dreams of big wave surfing like him was a beacon on the horizon like so many things she wanted to try. After nearly dying and having Pete snatched from her life, Sabine had become hesitant with the thought of Erik tackling that. She was grateful he put it off while she was first home, but his desire to ride the big one grew once he became World Champion again.
That's how it was.
Once the taste of the zenith is sated, what more could there be? When one has dined on Mount Olympus, drank in the halls of Valhalla, seen the heavens from the top of Kilimanjaro, or looked down on mortals from Mount Everest…what more could a World Champion want once they've been World Champion many times?
Only the most experienced big wave surfers went to Nazare to ride. And there was only a small elite group within that experience. Some said only the wild ones went there to go against Titans. She had even enlisted Colin's help to talk Erik out of it. She thought they had succeeded.
She didn't want to talk about that place. She needed to distract him.
"I'll come home."
Erik's face lit up and her heart swelled.
"I'm ready to come home."
He leaned over and hugged her gently, but firmly.
"Tonight," he whispered in her ear, "come home with us tonight. We can talk. I have plans…I want to try new things. You'll get better and we can train together. You'll make it this year—"
"You'll win again too," she huffed into his neck, her warm breath kissing his skin.
He wore her favorite cologne. The scruff from his beard made her feel secure. She inhaled his scent and then kissed him softly on his neck.
"I want you at Nazere with me when I go."
Sabine closed her eyes.
She nearly lost her life.
She didn't want him to lose his.
